Suspicious Dish

My milestone birthday fast approaches. I'm not embracing 40 gracefully but a few members of my entourage are behaving suspiciously. Let's just say: I'm onto you! Only a celebrity would get me off my couch. And who but a schemer would volunteer to do my hair for an event to which I planned on wearing jeans and a t-shirt?

So here's what I think could happen during my birthday celebration next Saturday:

*Julia Roberts will call me to tell me how great it is to be 40 (tho it sucks). But why would I need to get my hair done to get a phone call?

*I will be flown out to LA to be Teri Hatcher's kissing double on Desperate Housewives--though I would probably need a horse-sized Xanax even to shake hands with Gale Harold.

*Through my brother's friend, I will get backstage after "Chicago," which I've never seen. That would be nice.

*Duran Duran's tour schedule says they'll be in Italy for my birthday, but really, they're coming to serenade DISH!

*I will be on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy--since I saw the culture guy at a party once and so we have a mutual friend--because Dish desperately needs a severe makeover (which I could do myself but I'm too lazy and why bother?).

*Jon Tenney will show up, which will make me immediately lose my appetite for cake. Because he gets to make out with the amazing Kyra Sedgwick, his starpower has doubled, rendering me nauseous with excitement.

*I'll be made up to attend the premiere of Mamma Mia, where I'll meet the famous Meryl Streep, who is my favoritest.

*Or, I get to be an extra in a film. Though I know what extra work is like and I'd rather have root canal--unless there's a speaking part.

Stay tuned. I'm trying to break my brother but he's revealed nothing, which it very well might be. At least it gets my mind off my barren single wrinkled state.