Her Dress Was So Gorge I Am Going to Watch "The Good Wife"

SAG Awards:

I'll get egged for this but why does Betty White win an "actor" for that BAD show over Sofia and/or Jane Lynch? I love Betty (though the Betty trend of the last two years is getting old to Dish) but the writing on that show is atrocious to the point where not even Betty could make it as hysterical as Sofia or Jane. Lightbulb: Maybe the awards are about sentimentality rather than the "craft?" Betty deserves many SAGs (before they existed) for The Golden Girls and The Mary Tyler Moore Show--pure brilliance.

Either Tim Conway can't read a teleprompter or America doesn't understand him anymore. Morgan Freeman had to pave the way to Ernest Borgnine.

Loveliest: Juliana Margulies, Sofia Vergara, Nicole Kidman (though wanted to brush her hair), Helena Bonham Carter (for once, not weird--maybe a new, more interesting trend?)

Most Hideous: Christian Bale. I had to avert my eyes.

Other celeb news:

Denise Richards was right all along. She's keeping mum about all the Charlie stuff. I've loved her since her tasteful performance in Wild Thing.

An interesting tidbit on Page Six about Chelsea's husband leaving his job to hit the slopes for a few months. Smells like a mini-mid-life-crisis before middle age but I'll go with it. TG doesn't know this but I'm following Duran Duran on tour. For 1 year, I'm foregoing my responsibilities.

Speaking of The Clintons, just watched The Special Relationship. I wonder how much of it is real--such earnest Tony Blair--and how much malarkey. A mix of both? Hope Davis does an excellent Hillary. And you can never go wrong with Dennis Quaid.

Star Sighting--Frank Whaley!!!

1:50pm, 23rd and 7th Avenue: On our way to see Black Swan, we walked by Frank Whaley, looking happy as a clam and holding hands with two lively yapping kids (I assume, his). Such a bucolic scene before our descent into ballerina hell.

My purpose for seeing Black Swan was to love Natalie Portman because Julia does. I had to get over my inexplicable envy hatred of NP (everyone thinks she's so AMAZING and BEAUTIFUL and I don't get it). Mission accomplished! I love Natalie now and her black swan scene made me shake with pleasure and fear. Black Swan is a magnificent panic attack. Darren Aronofsky makes dark effed up movies but they are a cut above the rest. Poor TG is traumatized.

SAG Awards tonight.

Djokovich in 5 Sets

I may wake up at 3:30 am for the love of tennis. It will be about Day #3 of Charlie Sheen in rehab. For some, life is rehab and I'm thankful at least that another porn star is grabbing her 15 minutes of fame in today's Post.

As Two and a Half Men goes on hiatus, Egypt may be falling apart (just discovered TG hacked into my dishnotes and added the following: "a shame because Mubarak invented that clever cube."). It'll be okay because today is Oprah's birthday. And some justice served as Jesse James's crazy ex was arrested for harassment. There will be no peace for that family.

Dish will avoid all global turmoil with more reading of Confessions of a Prairie Bitch by Alison Arngrim (aka Nellie Oleson on Little House on the Prairie.)

Star Sighting--Fergie Not of The Black Eyed Peas

1:15 pm--24th between 5th and 6th Avenue. Our beloved JJ was coming back from Home Depot (buying a toolbelt and some screws) when he passed Sarah Ferguson walking by his salon as JJ was coming back from Home Depot. He texts Dish, "She had Irish setter red hair and her freckled skin was the same shade! She walks like a cross between an old woman and a monkey!"

JJ tells it like it is. I wish I could write what he posted about mothers and their strollers during rush hour. I was laughing like an old woman/monkey for hours.

Dream come true: Julia on Ellen's Birthday show and she admits to having the same television taste as Dish. Here's the evidence:http://ellen.warnerbros.com/videos/?autoplay=true&mediaKey=51ae42e2-a540-4edc-a4b1-eb052f7703b6

Vices Always Catch Up To You...

...unless you're a few members of my family who lived hard and died of nothing related to their indulgences. There are those undeserving who are struck down for no good reason. Then there's Charlie Sheen, who is doing that downward death spiral we all hate to watch. He was rushed to the hospital today, complaining of severe stomach pains after an alleged bender of booze, coke and escorts (this sounds too cliche to be real). He has five children, a string of fun movies and a hit TV show. Why does he want to die?

Dish watched Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps. I love glitzy movies about money, especially if they involve Michael Douglas. His best line: "Money is a bitch that never sleeps." Oh Oliver Stone, how could you? Somehow, Douglas delivers the cool and the icky greasy hair with flair. I even enjoyed little sapling Shia Lebeouf.

Pigs are flying across New York City as Countess LuAnn started shooting on Law & Order: SVU. Can the Countess act as well as she sings? I have to watch. Never fear, I am holding back on some of my TV urges. Did not watch the finale of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills though thought about it for the entire hour.

Now, I'll read my People Magazine with Nicole Kidman on the cover New Yorker. My tombstone: "Here Lies Dish. She watched a LOT of TV, but not as much as all you whores think."

Oh, Nadal! Dish Needs a Cupcake--STAT!

Good thing I didn't wake up at 3:30am to watch the Australian Open because my heart would have broken in half. Due to injury, my imaginary son Rafael Nadal lost to his long-time friend/rival Ferrer.

Speaking of fabulous Spaniards, Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem have reproduced, bringing forth a boy into the circle of life. I can only congratulate them and think of the things JJ said (loudly in his salon) he wanted to do to Javier.

Of other interest, a homophobic Twitter-rant from Kings of Leon Nathan Followill against Ryan Murphy. There are some dumb people in the world--too bad they are in the public eye.

Forgive the solemn tone of this post. I'm in mourning for Rafa's defeat. Will spring come?

I'm Oprah's Secret Sister, Too! Please!!!

Blessed is the woman who is Oprah's long-lost kin! To juice up her finale, Oprah should have a secret baby, too. She's a genius, but it's hard for me to believe she'll really stick with just running her own network. Unless she's really conquering the world. More power to her. Jason Sudeikis and ScarJo might be dating. It's sad when starlets date down. TG just explained what urinal cakes are. Forty-two years of ignorance. This morning's Oscar nominations have challenged me. I've seen none of the movies. Can Dish make her choices based on no viewings? It's possible, though I do want to see The Social Network, The Cat's Pajamas, The Black Swan, and The King's Speech. Too many Best Film nominations. Toy Story 3? WTF.

I'm So Ashamed

My heart twists with agony that I have been secretly watching The Bachelor. I vowed I'd never do it from Season 1 (finales are a different story). Brad Womack sounds like a younger version of Dr. Phil, the women appear needy (tears don't work), but I want him to wind up with Emily. She is full of sweetness, a little sass and, best of all, she's nice to all the girls. Some of desperation grabs me--like the chick who gave herself a black eye.

In other news, Judd Apatow has come out against Ricky Gervais's Golden Globes (keep talking--he'll get a standing ovation as he represents freedom of speech). If I were Judd, I would react to fresh, biting material, too, especially if all I did was crank out the same movie over and over again starring lovable pothead slackers who redeem themselves into more lovable and slightly-more productive slackers.

My favorite Monday facts are that Matthew Perry and Allison Janney will return to TV in Mr. Sunshine and Criminal Minds's spinoff starring Forest Whitaker also premieres in February. Get ready, TG! Marcel Proust, who?

Go Green!

Dish rarely watches football but today is an exception. And TG is making risotto. Reminds me of a Seinfeld. Go Jets!

Since celeb tend to remain scandal-free on church-Sunday, I watched An Education to see how Carey Mulligan became a star. It's a good enough flick, not life-altering but a breezy and aesthetically gorgeous movie showing the experience of many young girls (becoming a dumb ho before emotionally ready). Carey is adorable and supported by a stellar cast (starchy Emma Thompson, Olivia Williams, Alfred Molina and Peter Sarsgaard). So, take heed, girls: Married men may be charming but they are married. An education is more important sex. Well, this disqualifies so many in the entertainment industry, who never went to college.

Speaking of dissing show biz (the biz I love so much I have to diss it), no one can stop talking about Ricky. And it's been a week. Which means it's my one-week anniversary!

Saturday Panic

I was folding laundry, happily doing chores when I was struck down by panic. Not to worry, I always have a delayed reaction to big events so I went into Beverly Housewives mode to calm the jitters. Watched two episodes (whereupon I thoroughly joined Team Camille), then played this excellent game (clocking Sandra Bullock's foes with her awards) until I reached 94% accuracy: http://www.tmz.com/2011/01/22/sandy-revenge-2-game/. I highly recommend.

One more day of vacation until I return to normal life. There is much to look forward to: a new social security card, a potential new apartment and Ricky Martin will play Che in Evita. But who will play her? I can't even imagine. Lady Gaga? Please don't say Christina Aguilera, though she does have the pipes.

MSNBC Drama

Many of my friends worship Keith Olbermann and have lovingly attached him to the string of fun liberal pundits sparkling across the airwaves (I sort of loathe them all even though I'm a Democrat). KO speaks his mind with a combination of repressed violence and erudition. I enjoyed him from time to time but turned off completely during the 2008 election--when many anchors, pundits, interviewers became blatantly sexist and created this shining halo of brilliance around a relative unknown. Long story short, KO has left MSNBC abruptly. I bet he sniffed loudly, swallowed his rage and neatly left the desk.

Dish watched American Idol briefly and basked in the glow of J.Lo. The show is boring without Simon, but I do love Jennifer and Steven. They are great, just need Simon. The beginning of the season is the only part I watch because the singers are more awful.

Lastly, in addition to The Kardashians, who only became famous because of Kim's fat ass, I'm so very tired of reading about how Jennifer Aniston inexplicably can't keep a man. Neither can any single person. Why pick on her? Things were fine before he went to film Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Did we forget the long relationship with Vince Vaughn? Maybe she doesn't want a long-term relationship. Some people don't. She has all the money in the world, could date anyone, is pretty. Maybe she just wants to have a fling or two and hang out on the beach with her dogs.

Posing In Your Underwear for Armani Does Not Faze Me, Rafael Nadal!

(You're welcome, Gays). For years, Rafael has tried to tempt me with his scrappy tennis comebacks and sweaty dark tresses but Dish only has maternal feelings for Raffi. It fills me with joy that Giorgio Armani recognizes the modeling potential of my imaginary son. This venture will make him richer, which would benefit me had I actually given birth to such beauty. But no, I just have a blog.

I'm sure you know that Jesse James and Kat Von D are engaged. For obvious reasons, I have a hard time rejoicing, especially since Kat Von D has had so much success (I like her lipstick). I guess Jesse James can't bear singledom. Why wouldn't he want a super-successful woman to humiliate by his side?

Jessica Simpson's relationship might be on the rocks, Taylor and Jake had dinner last night and I'm about to read the latest US Weekly.

Happy Birthday, Dolly Parton!

The world is a nicer place because of Dolly. "Better Get to Livin'" was the first fast song played at my wedding reception. Dolly for President! Her breasts could be Chiefs of Staff.

So, Rush Limbaugh just said some awful things about Nicole Kidman's having a child via surrogate, implying that Kidman didn't want to be pregnant. If that were true, why the f*ck should he care? As DM might say, Rush is doing "genital policing." More importantly, Rush hasn't read Andrew Morton's biography on Tom Cruise, where he details all the difficulties Nicole had getting pregnant. He is fat.

Some good news: Naveen Andrews and Barbara Hershey are back together. Some people can't stay apart--and shouldn't. Sure, they can have babies while on a break, but trials and tribulations just make a couple stronger.

A nice essay on Ricky Gervais: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/pablo-andreu/gervais-proves-americans-_b_810048.html. I think he'll be back because everyone is talking about him. Go, Ricky!

Three days of being married and I love it. Downside: I have to be careful when going out since I don't want to be mobbed by my fans who read The NYTimes and saw our video. I finally understand the stress stars endure.

Oh...and some bad-good news: The A-List is coming back for a second season. I guess America likes tired gay stereotypes. I will totally not be watching.

Dish's Honeymoon While Husband Works--Day #2

I did important things today: discovered Regis Philbin is retiring. I mostly watch just for Kelly so am not broken. What kills me more is the flack Ricky Gervais has received for the Golden Globes. Maybe I shouldn't be upset. The flack keeps his legend alive. Maybe it'll get him asked back. More enjoyable than this is the alleged catfight between Christina Aguilera and Julianne Hough. They look exactly alike, so why the fighting? It's Ryan Seacrest's fault--she's always starting trouble.

Congratulations to Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban who had a baby girl (Faith) via surrogate. I'm knitting my child with TG, using Size 13 needles and purple mohair.

The Golden Globes

I'm not talking about my wedding dress cleavage because there wasn't any. That joke is really old, isn't it? I half expected to someone to mention tatas during The Golden Globes, but not a Sofia Vergara comment to be had (hers were spectacular in that red dress--not that I noticed and on my wedding night).

What can I say? I'm really, really happy to be married to TG. But did my wedding stop me from watching The Golden Globes? No. It didn't stop TG and me from watching poor widdle Tom Brady cwying because he got his butt kicked by the Jets. It's not that I don't like Tom. I don't like what he stands for: athletic excellence coupled with marriage to a supermodel.

Back to The Globes: Ricky Gervais is getting some PC-police backlash. I think he's fantastic. He's vicious and makes Bruce Willis and Tom Hanks' sphincters pucker. I love that he causes controversy. He did it last year and he got asked back. One man alone has revitalized the award show, made stars more aware of their "false humility" or self-absorption. A cool celebrity knows how to laugh at him/herself. Ricky knows when to take it easy (like on Sandra Bullock) and he knows who deserves to be skewered. Let's face it: The rest of the award shows are BORING.

Though I did think Robert DeNiro's immigration joke backfired. So did Ricky's Scientology joke (the Tom Cruise gay rumors are so dated, though too rampant to make anyone think of Travolta recent alleged scandal--I think deeply about the psychology of these things).

Other pronouncements:

I'm tired of Tilda Swinton's looking like a man/egg/alien
Bruce Willis has totally had a facelift.
Adored the dresses of Angelina Jolie (finally sheds the black!), January Jones, Anne Hathaway and Vanessa Williams.
Nicole Kidman looked beautiful and like herself.
Sandra Bullock's bangs--a big no
Yay, Chris Colfer and Annette Bening.

Presenting...

Mrs. Dish TG

I'm Getting Married in Six Hours

And walking down the aisle to Duran Duran's "Rio"!!!

Countdown to Matrimony: Wedding Movie #30

My Best Friend's Wedding: Of course! I love this one even though I know it by heart: the ludicrousity of Julia being a food critic, how Rupert Everett brought about a firestorm of gay best friend roles, Susan Sullivan's elegance, and this time I got misty over the wedding rather than the last dance scene. My Rupert Everett savior is TG. Tonight we are recreating the Rehearsal Dinner role at The Oyster Bar.

"Love the bag, love the shoes, love everything, love to."

And now, time to get married!

Rehearsal Dinner

It's my last night as a single girl. What will I do? Mourn that I got to see so little of TG today. Also, once I reclaim the bridal suite after the dinner, I will drown in endless episodes of The L Word. I'm Julia-ed out, if that's possible.

I can't think of the stars right now. Tomorrow at the Golden Globes, I'll be back on track!

Countdown to Matrimony: Wedding Movie #29

Pride & Prejudice: I had to watch the condensed Keira Knightley version, the one DM condemns and won't deign watch. This story is all about marriage, getting the children off to their own lives and seeing beyond first impressions. In this version of P&P, I'm particularly touched by Donald Sutherland who plays the role with less aloofness than his predecessors. The last scene, where his eyes fill over Lizzie's Darcy gushing, makes me cry every time. A father who loves his daughter and cares what happens to her--a noble concept. Another noble concept: that your life could turn out better than you thought possible. :)

October Is National Conception Month

Selma Blair, Alicia Silverstone, and Kate Hudson are pregnant, due sometime in the summer. 2/3 are "knocked up" since Silverstone is the only married one. With the rash of recently announced pregnancies, I'm wondering, what is it about October that is so sexy? Is it Halloween? Columbus Day weekend?

This will be short as I am in countdown mode and must go back to my oxygen tent. Happy TGIF!!!

Countdown to Matrimony: Wedding Movie #28

All the wedding episodes of Will & Grace: I've been to the marriage of evil ex Danny, Rosario & Jack, Grace & Leo, and, my favorite, Karen and Finster. The nice part of this last one is that romantic comedy heroine of The Wedding Planner Jennifer Lopez just happens to appear. Watch her greatness. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8kMnJUUIFdQ
And if you can stand more diva hotness, a classic clip between Jack and goddess Cher: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UnLf7ghM-6E&feature=related.

Almost ready.

Dazed Dish

I'll be honest: I'm spaced out. I've woken up a few times in a panic, OMG, I'm getting married. It's coming soon! I've never done this. What if I pass out? My goal for Sunday: Will strive to contract Acquired Situational Narcissism, the celebrity affliction where a person becomes used to being looked at. Both TG and I had a tough time being filmed for The New York Times. We are so used to looking at others (and ourselves, secretly).

So what about the stars? It breaks my heart that Rupert Friend and Keira Knightley have split, allegedly over how public their relationship is or the "distance caused by different work schedules." I don't believe this as an excuse really.

Poor Martha Stewart got headbutted by her dog and needed stitches. Get better soon, Martha. I just received some of your sheets from my registry. So soft!!!

Countdown to Matrimony: Wedding Movie #27

My Big Fat Greek Wedding: I tell ya, this one had me blubbering from the beginning. I'd seen it many times, dismissed it as okay, didn't shed a tear. Years later, having so recently gone through the process of being "in a middle-aged rut," resigning myself to and even enjoying living alone, then having this *person* come out of nowhere to sweep me off my feet and propose and get ready for a wedding, I was overcome during the movie. Lanie Kazan is so enjoyable. A bit like DM in her wisdom and hostess-with-the-mostest quality. The woman really is the neck. Just lovely. *Sniff*

Boys Who Wear Dresses?

Peter Fonda found a dead body, according to TMZ. This doesn't surprise me in the least.

We *are* going to be online in the vows section of The New York Times...that is, if we're interesting enough on film (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gudEttJlw3s&feature=related). Possibly, too, the Sunday paper. I'll let you guess which ones Dish and TG are.

Charlie Sheen didn't show up for work because of an ear infection. You know, those things suck. Poor Nick Rhodes was sidelined during a tour because of an ear problem. I can relate!

Camille Grammer implied to Howard Stern that Kelsey Grammer is a cross-dresser. It's hard to believe any scorned ex but I did see Frasier for a decade. Not a stretch that Kelsey would wear a bustier in private. And why shouldn't he? Former Governor Giuliani dressed in drag as much as he could and made sure the cameras caught it. Girls clothes are awesome, morning, noon and night.

Countdown to Matrimony: Wedding Movie #26

Monsoon Wedding: India knows how to rock a wedding. This is a lovely, feel-good movie about an arranged marriage--full of color, texture, family angst and overall joy. I've always thought arranged marriages were reasonable and why not celebrate a practical partnership? Not that I'd ever go out with someone my parents picked out. Okay, never mind. The girl in this movie gets matched with a hottie, and she's a hottie, which makes everything better. The humor will titillate you, unlike most romantic comedies. There is no subtlety, wit or complexity in the American romantic comedy of the last 20 years (I'm sure there are exceptions). At the same time, I felt so glad my wedding would only last six hours rather than three days, as in India. Perhaps even longer.

Lots of Star Fertilization!

Jewel, Owen Wilson's babymama and Marion Cotillard are PREGNANTS! It makes Dish happy that so much beauty will multiply. Though often, two beauties make an ugly child. You really need one beauty in a couple--which is how Dish was born stunning.

Speaking of stunning, Michael Douglas's tumor is gone. He did to that tumor what his character in Fatal Attraction tried to do to Glenn Close in the bathtube. Oh...maybe that's a cute one TG and I can watch before our wedding.

Because of my wedding, I excuse myself for all kinds of retail therapy (Zappo's) and desperate acts, such as movies On Demand, makeup and delicious takeout from Mary Ann's. I bought a Star Magazine, where I flipped through the section on stars without makeup. All the stars are lovely without makeup...except Tori.

Countdown to Matrimony: Wedding Movie #25

A Wedding (1978): I try to watch a Robert Altman movie every few years. You have to be in the mood for a meandering tale containing colorful characters--some heartwarming, some awful but all achingly flawed--and next to no plot. This flick details a high society wedding from beginning to end with death, infidelity, interracial romance, torrid romance, secrets, greed, vanity. The cast includes such delights as Lillian Gish, Desi Arnaz, Jr., Mia Farrow, Lauren Hutton, Carol Burnett, and Geraldine Chaplin. Just imagine Dish's wedding x 100. There is hope for mayhem at my nuptials (given how often the wine glasses are filled). Altman has wedding drama down.

Monday, Thou Art More Lovely...

Monday is my favorite day. You get to begin anew and re-immerse yourself in structure. Next Monday will be the first full day of my married life. On Monday, I'm organized. By Friday, I'm scattered and tired.

So here is my list:

Janet Jackson is going on tour. I envision so much gay energy surrounding this, I must attend. I love watching her dance and lip-sync!

Nikki Sixx and Denise Richards have broken up. 2011 is off to a good start. Also for Ryan Reynold and Sandra Bullock who will now receive even more relentless paparazzi attention (take that, Jesse James!). Despite Sandy's denial, they've been caught visiting each other in Wyoming.

In a chiseled and sexually confused Men's Health poll (http://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/sex-survey-and-tips-better-sex), women in their 40s are more likely to sleep with man on the first date than in their 20s. Um...okay. I was supposed to wait till my 40s?

The ongoing Spitzer/Parker drama continues with rumors that Parker will leave at any second. No woman can sit next to him. Spitzer is a scenery chewer and no one but himself will do.

Today's blind items in the Post are KILLING ME. http://www.nypost.com/p/pagesix/just_asking_n1ap18Gu9NJCb2uq4LgkxH The answers are on the tip of my tongue. If you have any insight, please share.

Sigh. http://nymag.com/news/intelligencer/encounter/70436/ More Duran Duran frustration with the knowledge that they were in the city and I didn't see them once. Except for when right before 2008 Central Park concert, Simon came out of the trailer right in front of me and I nearly had a fainting event (but had a panic attack--of happiness--instead).

Countdown to Matrimony: Wedding Movie #24

The Groomsmen: I have a vague recollection of seeing this and hating it. Saw it again and still think it's dreadful. She's The One is adorable but I've given up on Edward Burns as a screenwriter. So many of Burns's archetypes: the screwup, the loving father/husband, the straight man (Burns), the long-suffering spouse who puts up with the infantile husband...and someone named Pauly. I felt sad watching sweet Brittany Murphy (playing the long-suffering pregnant bride). Edward Burns is so much more effective as an actor where someone else can control his pacing. I'd say, give him an action movie. Skip the sensitive psyche-exploration-and-let's-visit-the-old-neighborhood roles.

Popping Them Out!

It must be a slow news day...or not as Posh Spice finds herself pregnant with Baby Beckham #4. I don't know about you but I'm fantasizing that she hired a surrogate--implanted egg/sperm--and will stuff pillows under her dress until birth. Posh gain weight? Impossible!

So one week (aka same day as Golden Globes) till I become Mrs. TG. The New York Times is coming to film our story. Maybe Lifetime will pick it up. Molly Ringwald will play Dish.

Countdown to Matrimony: Wedding Movie #23

Bride Wars: I first saw this with DishBrother and DishBrotherSideKick in 2009. It's a delight but makes no sense. Candace Bergen should have pushed the other bride into the competing slot since she came in second. Also, real friends wouldn't treat each other so shabbily. The actresses were fun together. Dish has long been an ardent fan of Kate Hudson though her bangs are atrocious. That smile--pure sunshine!

One thing I learned: The bridal nerves are universal. I'm just glad that for now I feel great and I'm so lucky!

Happy Birthday to David Bowie! And Elvis!

In a world where mediocrity is acceptable, know that genius still exists and, at a moment's notice, can fill you with ecstasy. Two words: David Bowie. He just has to move and speak and I'm happy. Here are some favorites:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1hDbpF4Mvkw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jv6mEv_rDdE

Great news: Dish might be in The New York Times! It took major events (and not my god-given talent) to make me famous, i.e. major apartment fire to get me on TV and now TG's becoming my husband to get me where I belong--in the spotlight. I'm open to movie offers.

The celebs are keeping quiet, though apparently Gwyneth Paltrow is going on a cleanse.

Countdown to Matrimony: Wedding Movie #22

The Wedding Planner: I've seen this so many times it's not a movie anymore--just shapes, voices, innuendo, penis knocked off statue, a mentally challenged Justin Chambers pre-Grey's Anatomy, Matthew McConaughey's thinning hair which is magically fuller for How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days, J.Lo's perfection, those little bitty bites she takes of her TV dinner, the slight girl-crush Dish develops each time on Brigitte Wilson-Sampras (whose husband also has thinning hair), the Judy Greer-best-girlfriend comic relief and Matthew's mad dash to stop the wedding. My favorite part of the movie is when Matthew says to a drunk-on-Heineken J.Lo that he knows all the curves of her face and that their night in the park (where NOTHING happened) was "the best night of [his] life." Wow, his life must have sucked! They just ate M&M and watched a sh*tty movie. Which I keep watching while eating M&Ms.

My Last Weekend as Miss Dish Pennybottom

By some weird stroke of fate, I am alone this weekend. Me-time is not as much fun as it used to be but I persevere with couch potato sloth and lethargic trips to the coffee shop downstairs. Little is accomplished as I go from one activity to the next. TBS is having a wedding movie weekend and this will sustain me until TG gets home.

So, Jane Krakowski is pregnant, giving me hope that I might get knocked up someday. Though I guess knocked up isn't the right term. My lifelong dream of going to the office, pregnant and single, i.e. an abomination, will never happen. I'll leave that to some other brave soul. I had my chance!

All My Children's Rebecca Budig is about to walk down the aisle for the third time. Who is she? The irrepressible Greenleaf on AMC, part bad girl, part misunderstood, part-ex-wife of The Bachelor circa a long time ago. A little minutia goes a long way, kids. This celebrity database is fierce (and no, TG, I did not take an Ambien).

Brad Pitt is in talks to play John Lennon, which to Dish, is a disaster. I can see it but I'd rather Billy Crudup or someone meatier play this one. Though why not keep going for the Oscar?

Just when things couldn't get worse for Katie Holmes's career (and I do hope she has one because she *did* do some decent work BTC), The Kennedys miniseries was axed by the History Channel. Phew. Now this "history" channel can focus on its manly flood of World War II shows.

Countdown to Matrimony: Wedding Movie #21

Love Actually: I watched this one over and over again when it first came out. I still cry at the scene where Liam and the little boy go to the airport. The Firth-machine always delights, fetching Hugh. At the time, Dish was very much the Laura Linney character (except without insane brother)--maybe still is a little--and wanting to be the Portuguese maid. Notice how every woman in this movie plays a subservient role? Yes, Dish wrote a letter to the director about this. Nice wedding at the beginning and Keira looks so jubilant...and skinny, I say, carrying three pounds of burrito on my gut.

Dish, Wedding Announcement, New York Times?

I can neither confirm nor deny. But...hmm...we shall see.

Do you believe that Tom Cruise is an amazing kisser? This headline caught my eye but this is what Gwyneth Paltrow says after locking lips with some of the most famous lips in the business. I sort of believe it since he's delivered a few believable movie kisses whereas not all leading man do. Ugh...I should be writing about the environment, Zola, or learning about Riemann's zeta function.

Eva Longoria seems to have moved on romantically and we all can breathe a sigh of relief.

Countdown to Matrimony: Wedding Movie #20

The In-Laws: Isn't it too freaky that Ryan Reynolds plays the groom in this one? I wasn't expecting that! Confused this one with the Dennis Farina/Bette Midler movier where the parents f*ck up the wedding (hoping this doesn't happen--surely not from DM who is angelic). Oh well, mayhem creates excitement so let the craziness begin! As a rule, Dish loves Albert Brooks and Michael Douglas, mostly the latter in comedy. Douglas plays a deep cover CIA agent who ropes in Brooks on a mission. It's a bit of a one-note wonder with Douglas and Brooks grappling. Amusing but I didn't learn anything.

Happy Birthday to Marilyn Manson!

Not sure why but I enjoy this artist--ever since Bowling for Columbine. Imagine he's tough to be around. And the pasty makeup thing looks really icky as a person ages (see lead singer of The Cure). So much Goth, so much anemia.

And so much theft as Gary Collins gets raked over the coals for a little dine and dash. What's happening to people? Do they know how hard it is to work in the food industry (Dish lasted 3 weeks as a waitress, 1 day at Burger King). Pay your way in life!

On a funner note, The View's Sherri Shepard got engaged. She worked hard to get healthy and when a person does that, other changes happen. You start attracting healthier people to you.

What to say about Lindsay Lohan? How soon before trouble brews again? Maybe she needs to read some Proust.

Was It Just Sex?

Tragedy strikes Hollywood as Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal break up. Two months was enough? That poor girl has had quite a romantic history. What's next for Taylor?

I'm more worried about Selena Gomez who's getting death threats for allegedly kissing pop zygote Justin Bieber. Reminds of when I first saw Donny Osmond with his new wife. I cried for days, clutching my purple socks. And then I moved on to the late Elvis Presley.

Five minutes of last night's The Bachelor made me cringe. So Bad Brad went to a therapist and worked through his commitment-phobia (America, there are bigger problems in the world). Now he's ready to date on television again, i.e. find his wife, and has been unleashed to a pack of angry or aroused women. Did I watch more than five minutes? That's between me and Hulu.com.

Countdown to Matrimony: Wedding Movie #19

Driven to Kill: Steven Seagal is the Meryl Streep of action movies. He excels at the fake New York accent (Brooklyn), Appalachia, and, when pressed, Ebonics. In Driven to Kill, he rocks a Russian dialect, da. As a former Russian mobster turned crime novelist (with post-its "Tolstoy" and "Chekhov" on the side of his computer to remind us that he's Russian), Steven goes to his estranged daughter's wedding in NYC. Because he's Steven, all hell breaks loose, fight scenes ensue and he must save his child from death. The director has a sense of humor when he does closeups on Steven's large pores and beady revenge-filled eyes. The old guy doesn't move around as quickly and that jaunty ponytail has transformed into steel wool, but he still delivers so-bad-it's-good action. Bottom line: Steven goes apesh*t when you mess with his family and the wife always dies.

Countdown to Matrimony: Wedding Movie #18

The Mirror Has Two Faces: Two weddings, so much Barbra. I tend to watch this one a few times a year. Not only do I love Barbra, but I adore how inaccurate this movie is. First she wears a pink bridesmaid dress to Mimi Rogers's third wedding. Notice how her hair is very Little House on the Prairie as she stuffs her face full of Snowballs and gets indignant when Pierce Brosnan (who used to be into her) reeks of booze at his own wedding. The one thing Babs does well? She's a Columbia Prof of English! And knows everyone's name in the 200+ lecture hall. She says "f*ck" during her class, even points to her boobies and says, "Yes, I have breasts." Most tantalizing are her hands. Those long nails, elegant fingers--I can't get enough of her hand gestures! Then comes Jeff Bridges--gorgeous, intellectual, into prime numbers and boring in a cute way. Babs and Jeff strike up a friendship that turns into a platonic marriage (how could you DO that with Babs OR with Jeff??? Especially when she wears the cleaving busting nightie??), then conflict as Babs reveals her hormonal urges. Lauren Bacall is brilliant and Barbra is epic! Jeff probably got a big wad of cash, though I would pay to work with Mrs. James Brolin.

Why I'm Psychic

It's no accident that Dish watched these stars sucking face in The Proposal yesterday. This is why I should be reading Tarot cards for Upper East Side socialites. Tabloids report Ryan and Sandra are seeing each other in real life (or at least spent New Year's Eve in the same place). With both their marriages over, it's time for REAL love! Isn't it sad when someone unconnected to an event takes an idea and runs with it? Can't wait to tell TG.

Desperate Housewives: Reaching too hard for excitement and going places Dish doesn't want to revisit (aka Kyle McLaughlin, the woman who chopped her fingers, Susan's husband). Why not bring Gale Harold back??? Sure, his character wasn't revolutionary but maybe he could whisk Teri Hatcher (without actually touching her) to Canada? Maybe Gale and Brian Austin Green could paint one of Bree's rooms...and they could accidentally kiss on top of the stepladder, fall to the floor and roll around in the paint.

Brothers & Sisters: I knew Sally would dump the uptight shrink who is picky about how the toilet paper roll goes into the dispenser. As for Kitty, well, we've all slummed and it's sad she's realizing this fact. Who could top Rob Lowe? I say, bring in Andrew McCarthy or John Stamos. The gay dads at the adoption fair, probably the most heartwarming part of the show and I loved how the little girl picks them. Wonder, though, if we can expect her to turn into a manipulative little wench like the excellent Juanita on Desperate Housewives.

Rest in peace, Pete Postlethwaite, an excellent actor, who passed away.

Countdown to Matrimony: Wedding Movie #17

The Proposal: FYI, my dress is sexier than this. It was easy to lure TG into The Proposal after I sat through two long episodes of The Munsters, his favorite show. After thirty minutes, TG decided that Sandra Bullock was more talented than Julia. I'm not sure how to react to this. Has he SEEN her oeuvre? Is he crazy? Might have to air Miss Congeniality 2 to show him the error of his ways. This is a tough issue because I love Sandra. More than Julia--I say, no. Regardless, Sandy and Ryan Reynolds meld the way mustard, balsamic vinegar, honey and olive oil mixed together vigorously can make a perfect vinaigrette.

Oh, and I'm now almost through three seasons of Say Yes to the Dress. Love Randy and Keasha but cannot believe how much brides spend on marshmallow dresses they'll only wear once.

Countdown to Matrimony: Wedding Movie #16

Conversations With Other Women: I meandered around Netflix and found this treasure. Well, it's very talky talky indy indy--might be better for the stage, but I want to like Helena Bonham-Carter again. I loved her pre-Tim Burton and Wings of the Dove was life-affirming in the way depressing love stories can be. This one takes place at a wedding where a couple is reunited. Aaron Eckhart seems miscast as her love interest but this is the beauty of them together. Very indy, melancholy, split screen and must have been fun for both actors. Nice chemistry.

Two Weeks Notice!

It's hard to believe in 14 days, I will be exactly like Valerie Bertinelli and Shania Twain: MARRIED. Both divas married on New Year's Day. And if things couldn't start off more romantically, the Post published a cozy pic of Meg Ryan and John Cougar Mellencamp walking arm in arm in NYC. Ever since reconnoitering with that nasty Russell Crowe, being blamed for the breakup of her marriage to Dennis Quaid (who was no saint), and getting bad plastic surgery, I've waited for Meg to find love again. I had hope when she was linked to newly single Tim Robbins but that died down after a couple days. Surely, no I can't say this, she can find someone hotter. Starting off year on a bad foot. Never mind, I hope she and John Cougar are very happy.

David Arquette checked into rehab. He did some of his finest work in Never Been Kissed.

Countdown to Matrimony: Wedding Movie #15

Wedding Slashers: Unwatchable movie about a heroine and her murdering family. Worse line ever: "You're going to get a spanking, little girl." and "You live until death." This could be a first-year film student project. The acting is atrocious (on the level of porn), the humor is beyond sophomoric and cliche. The heroine is totally unlikeable, a moody sad sack who bemoans her heritage. Oh woe is me that my family is killing everyone associated with me. Dish says, move to freaking Brazil, you melancholy mess! How thankful I am that the only horror in my family is...well...a love of what rhymes with shmalcohol.

Star Sighting--Anderson Cooper!!!

2:03 p.m. 23rd and 6th Avenue: On a desperate, last-minute trip to David's Bridal with DM, Dish spots Andy and a comely gentleman crossing the street. Coop wears a navy cap and dark glasses but Dish knows those thin lips and avian features anywhere. I hear his chirpy chirp voice in front of me all the way to 18th street. Oops, he stepped in the crosswalk and got splashed by a taxi! DM kept commenting, "He's so thin. Do you think he's anorexic?" "No, Mom, he's on television. And he's gay." Not that I know for sure because any man could walk with fingers almost brushing those of his man-friend. I psychically communicated with Anderson, "Nice work last night."

Happy thought for the day: Wesley Snipes teaching yoga in jail. Ommmmmmm. Cannot wait for him to kick butt in film again.