Bachelor's Jake and Vienna Break Up...

...because she's a whore! Allegedly cheating with a former soap star, which is a downgrade. What did he expect when he booked himself on Dancing with the Stars right after the show? Just when Dish had nothing to write about, this gem happened. Do reality show couples ever stay together? I don't blame Vienna a bit since she probably learned within five seconds that he's a narcissistic crybaby. At the same time, he picked the bad girl, which is never good. What do I care. I only watched the lame finale.

So, as you can see, during a newsless hour, I fantasized about the ideal movie poster and here it is. Do you think Gale and Julia would go for it?

Gaga meets Jaws

Lady Gaga has jumped the shark with her baseball antics. First the double finger and lame-girl-makeout-session at the Mets game. Then bra and panties at the Yankees. My butt could invent better attention-getting schemes. It's so over.

Orlando Bloom is finally engaged to Miranda Kerr. I was so so so worried this VS model would be single forever! He's such an enlightened boddhisatva.

Last night at Radio City Music Hall, New Kids on the Block was joined on stage by the Back Street Boys. Can you imagine? I'm squealing and I wasn't even there. It's almost like if Spandau Ballet joined Duran Duran on stage.

Today, in reference to Amanda Bynes quitting acting, Dishmama said, "That's what that Joaquin Pelican did." Yes, Mom, Joaquin PHOENIX quit acting to become a rapper.

Dish will retire from writing to become an actress.

Happy 50th Birthday to John Taylor of Duran Duran!

March 14, 1983

Dear Diary,

I feel so immature because I’m just so infatuated with John Taylor. He’s the bass guitarist for Duran Duran. He looks about 17 and he’s sooo cute. I think his looks are so perfect. I love his looks so much. He’s just so perfect. This is bigger than my big crush on Donny Osmond. D___ saw them on Saturday Night Live and she thinks Simon Le Bon is cute! I hope everyone likes him instead of John. I feel so bad I’ve gone head over heels now because I’ll be hurt. That’s not really fair.

Love, Me

Happy 50th Birthday to John Taylor!!! He’s like soooo old now (but still perfect).

Remember when he sang the song for 9 1/2 Weeks? Hee hee. Good song, but JT sounds like he's a little drunkipoo. http://youtube.com/watch?v=kjU3N5nvcD8 Also, John is excellent as the aging rock star in the little-known movie Sugartown.

Jolie Is Making The Rest of Us Look Bad!

Ange does this by breathing but lately she's been touring the world and feeding orphans. Her charitable works inspired Dish to volunteer. Barring orientation snafus (Dish hit head on treadmill so anything's possible) I will hang out with old people. Won't give them any of my snacks.

I was fantasizing about the music for my wedding (all Duran Duran, of course). Since I'll soon have a lawyer in my family, wonder if we could threaten litigation to get Duran Duran to sing at my wedding. At least, though, TG and I could recreate this prom dance between Brian and Justin on Queer As Folk. http://youtube.com/watch?v=3yjOJmWK1ZY What do you think?

Kids These Days

If Adam Lambert, Colin Firth and Jack White had sex, they'd create Benjamin Walker who shines in Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson. The show has gotten great buzz due to its star and engaging content. Upon viewing, Dish can distill the essence of BW's appeal to teenage girls. Remember, I was there circa 1983 with the succulent wave of androgynous boy bands. BW wears tons of eyeliner and this is #1 rule for achieving sexy.

Dish went to the play for personal reasons (i.e. Darling Mamie Gummer got engaged to BW and you know Dish loves all things related to Meryl Streep). I had to see if BW was good enough to be in the Streep family. And he is. He's deserving of critical acclaim and heartthrob status (he sports camel toe jeans and Rob Thomas hair), but at his core, he's a zitty sensitive theater geek. Nice to see, too, that many in the cast have done graduate work related to theater. Education is important, people! So many actors have empty brains and do what they think is acting. My favorite character was Van Buren (Lucas Near-Verbrugghe), who seemed to channel David Bowie.

Sadly, Dish was in the front row, dodging BW's copious waterfalls of sweat. Also, not that this affected my enjoyment, I saw lots of panties and someone's testicles during the Indian ballet. That's the problem with the stage at the Public Theater.

Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson is young, irreverent (which is so in these days), and is the only way kids (and Dish) will learn history.

Jewel-lia!

So, Huffington Post wonders if Julia's new Lancome ad is airbrushed. Does the gay politician have secret sex in airport bathrooms? Despite the fakeness, it's Julia, who must be worshipped at all times. If I could get airbrushed, I would. It would hide the sun damage and bring out the unblotchy alabaster skin I'm supposed to have.

Dish's Daily Review: TVLand's Hot in Cleveland is abysmal. The talented has-been cast has terrible, unwatchable material to work with. Don't even view for hipster Betty White. Such a nice concept since no one wants to end up in Cleveland (Dish used to live there), but lousy and unfunny writing.

Indiana Jones and Ally McBeal Marry!

It's an odd couple but time has tested their love. Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart married in New Mexico. I hope they're happy and spend more time in my neighborhood.

Speaking of OMPs and marriage, what do you think about the allegations that Al Gore cheated on Tipper with Larry David's ex? The ex is gorgeous and into green things, so poor zipper control is understandable, but UNFORGIVEABLE. We expect these things from everyone but Al. This cheating is allegedly false but Dish maintains there was a catalyst to this separation. Just because you admire someone, doesn't mean you have to whip it out. We can all learn from Remains of the Day (if, like with Al's speech, you manage to stay awake).

Life on the D List

Kathy Griffin's Life on the D-List premiered tonight. I enjoy Kathy, though the show isn't as novel as the first two years. Tom is getting fat. Where are her other assistants? Liza Minelli is worth the entire show. Overall, the shtick is getting old. Will continue to watch out of loyalty.

So much talk about Tori Spelling's weight loss these days. She looks frightening, which saddens Dish. Do not believe it's the tummy flu or breast feeding or being busy. I have rooted for Donna since Day #1, mostly because of her performance in Trick. She has some charm, which is a rarity in offspring of mega-gazillionaires. The Lara Flynn Boyle Diet (eat three bites then give up) is the standard, unfortunately. Oh wait, the Dish Diet is similar (drink 60 oz cups of Diet Pepsi and that's it). Never mind!