Lindsay Doesn't Know the Secret

Poor so-overhyped-as-to-be-boring Lindsay Lohan. Dish thought she was going the way of Jodie Foster, what with her oh so cute Hayley Mills redo of The Parent Trap. Gosh, I could barely speak English at eleven much less do a British accent. And then, Lindsay went the obvious Loser route, choosing suckoid movies and crazy friends and now where is she? So not Jodie.

What does Lindsay need? She needs someone to tell her The Secret. That's right. The brilliant never-heard-of-before key to success unlocked just recently by Rhonda Byrne. No one knew before that thinking positive would drive a person toward success. Clues have existed all this time but it took a television writer and producer to figure it all out. Screw getting a Ph.D. If you just think about stuff in a good way, you'll be super-fabu.

So, Lindz, take that little nugget of advice and listen to the secret. If you follow the three steps, you can still stuff yourself in a bikini but also regale the masses with your portrayal of Eleanor Roosevelt. We're following The Secret too, therefore, rooting for you (no matter what we really think).