Moving Day I

I'm light on gossip, heavy in the hips thanks to desperate cupcake and salted caramel square from Starbucks. I did it for Judge Judy who fell ill during her filming. The woman does ten cases a day, which amounts to five episodes. Now there's a work ethic.

Saw action photos of the new Wonder Woman. I liked the stills but on the run she looks like a string bean in a gym outfit circa 1993.

Bad reviews for Katie Holmes on her portrayal of Jackie O, that she was caricaturish and had a weird accent. Wasn't Jackie O a bit larger than life and accenty? I just remember Pieces of April and The Gift and know there's a good actress somewhere.

Right now...Dish is packing all night long. Caught up on The Good Wife and Alan Cummings is my new favorite actor. Brilliance! Like chemistry between Julianna and Chris Noth. No real spark with Will though haven't seen the second season.

Oops, K-Fed Did It Again

He got a girl pregs, unleashed the swimmers once again out of wedlock, though given the stipend he gets from Brits, I imagine he'll stay single forever. It's #5 for K-Fed. After watching the celebrity weight loss show, he didn't seem like a bad guy, just too young and making crappy choices. Elizabeth Banks is a new mother via gestational carrier (the sanest option in the world, especially for those of us--Dish--who can't bear a second of discomfort, but will I have this option? Nooooooooo), a blessing since she'd been trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant. Congrats to EB and her family! Less fertile seems to be Mad Men's future. I'm over Don, the sassy Scientologist and the redheaded float.

Judge Judy was in the hospital, feeling woozy from "intestinal discomfort" but is allegedly fine. This happens to me when I eat spinach.

The Fates always conspire to keep Dish from direct contact with Duran Duran. Wanted to participate in live Twitter Q&A, had brilliant, learned question for DD but Twitter is "over capacity." Will have to live on the fumes of 24 years ago when John Taylor told a high school acquaintance (I won't explain circumstances--only that she told him I was a big DD freak) that he liked my name. It could have been a big lie.

Gale Sleeps with the Witches!

News about Gale Harold's new casting broke my silence. The new king of the CW, he joins the cast of The Secret Circle, about one of Dish's favorite topics: Salem witches. He plays the leader of a coven (I just fainted). Also in the cast, Natasha Henstridge. Do we dare hope for a sweaty coupling on pentacle shaped sheets with the scent of Cleopatra oil wafting through the air? They are both too good-looking not to make out. At least once.

Not sure when the show starts but DVR just in time!

A Dark Day

No Dish today. Am cleaning and packing up the apartment--all my stuff from 14 years of NYC. Has to be done in record time and with busy schedules. Feel pretty overwhelmed and alone in this effort.

Nurse Jackie was pretty lame last night.

please...

...let me fall asleep. 5am is no way to live. dish hates insomnia. typed covertly using husband's fab ipadding.

Did You Watch "Mildred Pierce?"

Dish JUST got rid of HBO (to justify getting DVR) so missed Mildred Pierce last night. I will rent it, even though first reviews from friends (except for JJ) have been poor, saying that it's boring. Joan Crawford is tough to top or even equal.

Fellow Duranies, Simon Le Bon threw out his back right before his performance tonight--so had to re-SHedule. Wonder what tipped off the spasm. Today's lesson: Stilettos can be murder on the lumbar region.

I'm over them as a couple but Scarlett allegedly brought Sean Penn to Reese's wedding. Can you imagine all those celebrities using the same bathroom? The artifacts one could collect--dizzying. Though Dish has her boundaries.

Suckerpunch did poorly at the box office and not sure why this makes me happy. Probably because it looks and feels too derivative of Sin City/300/The Spirit/The Watchmen?

Dishbrother continues to torture me with Charlie Sheen packages. Oh, that didn't sound good. Can you believe? A whole few days without him in the headlines. HAS BEEN.

Moving day coming soon. We are rechannelling to larger quarters. To combat this intense stress, will watch the premiere of the always excellent Nurse Jackie. The Godiva is gone. What's left in the medicine cabinet?

It's killing me...

...that Duran Duran is in NYC right now. And so is Dish. I'm too adult to do any kind of spying but still.

Back to Virginia Woolf and her headaches.

Scent of a Woman = Creed's Imperiale Millesime

Reese Witherspoon got married. There is no drama attached so not sure it's newsworthy. Robert Downey Jr. and Renee Zellweger attended--though not together. Baby bump watch within a few months. Reese does make cute mini-me babies.

Should I get the new Jennifer Aniston fragrance? Only drawback: says there's Jasmine in it. In a romantic fervor, wanting to smell like a Southern brothel, I got some Jasmine oil to slather on myself; sadly, it stank like a Penn Station toilet. But in novels, the hero gets whiff of heroine's hair and it's ALWAYS Jasmine wafting into his nostrils. Must investigate at Sephora. I like citrus better.

Who am I kidding? I wear men's cologne.

Geraldine Ferraro Dies

Picture it: 1984, a ripe year of ogling the men's Olympic gymnastic team (Mitch Gaylord, pant, pant), teaching myself how to type, Year #2 of Duran Duran obsession where I turned my attention to Nick Rhodes, lost 9 pounds in one summer from running 6 miles a day and had unknowingly met my future husband. One night, Dishfather came into my room and said, "Turn on your TV. This is an important moment." So I watched Geraldine Ferraro give her first speech as the Vice Presidential nominee. I got chills the second she started speaking. It's too bad her political career had some scandal attach to it later on. Now she's gone. Blessings on her coming and going.

Today's Lesson: Never insult a large woman during her upturn. George Lopez is learning this as he compared Kirstie Alley to a pig for her fabulous performance on Dancing With the Stars. Kirstie has been bashed over the years, but America loves a comeback story. Her doing this show signals that you can succeed at any size. I hope she wins because God knows, Fat Actress was one of the worst shows on TV and she deserves better material. I want her to win.

More about weight: LeAnn Rimes has become a skeletor with her face turning frighteningly concave. The tabs say it's pre-wedding "stress" and worries about Eddie Cibrian possibly cheating in the future (solid foundation) but to me it looks more serious. When you're stressed, you lose/gain a few pounds. When you're severely traumatized, okay, maybe thirty pounds in one month. Her weight loss seems unhealthy and indicative of a new TV opportunity (Am I right?). Sadly, despite all common sense and general good health, Dish compared her weight to LeAnn's and Katy Perry's and finally feels less fat (it only took 42 years). I weigh myself every day, see fatness when I gaze in the mirror for hours on end, though I'm generally happy with my appearance--even when I know I look like hell. If you have rolls, you can work with them. I look at Oprah, who always is more beautiful when she's rounder. Super skinny girls often seem ill to me. How do they have energy to walk a block? Bottom line: You screwed up, George Lopez. Don't mess with fat girls, ever. You're dealing with a very large and powerful demographic.

Dish Is Sympathetic to Kate Middleton!

According to the tabs, poor Kate Middleton is having insomnia and panic attacks over her impending nuptials to Prince William. I know *JUST* how she feels. It's okay, Kate (Ambien + Ativan = total relaxation). On the actual day you'll feel great. Plus, everyone else will be more nervous. The Prince will probably lose his sh*t. Oh, and something *will* go wrong--whether it's the messing up of names or a relative behaving like an ass. You can't escape it. Focus on your husband and your happiness.

Casting I Would Not Make: Julianne Moore as Sarah Palin and Ed Harris as John McCain for HBO's Game Change. I think it will suck. Stupid Move: It just goes to show that Charlie Sheen knows nothing about publishing. He dropped his book agent, Peter McGuigan, who got him a mere million for a book proposal. By the time book comes out, no one will care about Charlie Sheen. Good luck getting more! What Makes Me Giddy: Matt Damon has been cast as Michael Douglas's love interest in the biopic Liberace. Cannot wait to see them make out!

My friend M**** will be ecstatic to hear that Alexander Skarsgard and Kate Bosworth might be on the rocks. Dish is not into blonds, so never got the appeal.

Watching The Four Seasons starring Alan Alda, Len Cariou, Carole Burnett, Bess Armstrong, and Rita Moreno: Lots of man-teets and chicken legs.

Triumph

Fresh off her breakup with Justin Timberlake, Jessica Biel might be rebounding with Gerard Butler, the one who sweats beer. He might not really sweat beer, but when I look at pictures of him, I smell stale hops. Stinky and gorgeous, Gerard is there for starlets when they been dumped. He probably touches their faces with his hands (blocking visage from camera, keeping focus on himself--you're the worst offender, Richard Gere!) and makes sweet, beer sweaty love to them at the Chateau MarMOUNT. If you ask me, lookswise, Gerard is far less offensive than wormy Timberlake. Who am I kidding, I almost fainted when I saw fresh-faced Gerard swaggering around my neighborhood. JT is quite talented, as is Gerard when he tries. Biel did a nice job in The Illusionist though the rest of her repertoire is crap. Britney, Jessica and Cameron all spent 3 years with Justin and all three starlets look a bit tired. Wonder if Britney ever effed Gerard. Yes, I think about these things.

The Real Housewives of D.C. has been canceled. Good! They were either boring or trash.

If Duran Duran had lived during the time of Caesar, they would have been crowned with laurels and carried through the streets. Their Unstaged concert directed by David Lynch was brilliant--pure joy to watch, artistic, modern, and shiver-giving to those of us who love talent. Even Simon's rare flat notes "looked" great. The band and Lynch did something very special.

Where Will You Be Tonight?

Other than mourning the loss of Liz? Of course, you'll be watching Duran Duran's live online event directed by David Lynch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6n_XJI0h5c. Consider this your special invite.

Oddly enough, TG mysteriously vanished the second Duran Duran appeared on The Tonight Show. Maybe to put on earphones to drown out Dish's wild shrieking? Simon, take off those sunglasses. There is no sun on the set. John Taylor is morphing into Thomas Dolby with his orange specs, not that that's a bad thing. Not enough Nick in the frame altogether. Oh hell, they were awesome--made watching loathsome Jay worth it. New album truly is the best since Rio, though I quite liked Red Carpet Massacre.

Elizabeth Taylor Has Passed Away

A lotta life packed into one woman. We will miss those "violet" eyes and a beauty no one else could quite replicate (without surgery). The great Elizabeth Taylor has left us. Now she can join her two great loves, Richard Burton and Mike Todd, in a fabulous husband sandwich. My favorite Liz movie: Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? Scary brilliance! Okay, I loved her commercial for the "White Diamonds" fragrance: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjVfu8-Wp6s.

What an actress, icon and philanthropist.

All I can say is: "GLADIATOR!"

Is Kirstie Alley a Delight Again?

Kristie ruled Dancing With the Stars and showed that success is all about attitude. She has it in spades. What a goddess. I'm ready for her to dazzle the world again! Scientology contingent in the front row.

By contrast, Victoria Jackson's still speaking out against homosexuality, putting the Bible as evidence of its immorality. I'm putting Bridget Jones's Diary forward as the new Bible and Bridget is the new Jesus--it's newer than the Bible and all inclusive. Let's smoke, drink, make love and go bananas together! Phew. Load off shoulders. Wonder if VJ feels the same revulsion watching hetero-couples kiss. They've dominated movies/TV for far too long. Speaking of which, wouldn't you love to bring Queer As Folk back? Please, Showtime. Let Babylon reign again.

Today in violence: Rihanna beater/musician Chris Brown allegedly threw a terrifying tizzy on GMA, destroying property. Nice. Michael Lohan was arrested last night for even more brutal behavior, throwing his ex-fiancee across the room. Charm School not mandatory for these bozos.

The New Wonder Woman

Sadly, Adrianne Palicki has that honor, not Dish. There's been flack about her outfit being more sexy than Lynda Carter's. Sorry, but Lynda's outfit revealed naked thighs as well as her huge gazongas, in an age where large breastessess were not plentiful. At most, the new and improved shows off the top of AP's melons, a pre-requisite for any WW. If she can twirl, she's got my vote.

In other drag queen news, Priscilla Queen of the Desert has gotten rave reviews on Broadway so far. Might have to see it. Did not see La Cage--which means I lost one of my gay cards.

Sammy Hagar claims to have been abducted by aliens in the 70s. Everyone is making fun of him. Dish lived in NM where alien abduction claims were taken seriously. The aliens certainly helped his career. Should I read this autobiography or Star Jones's new "novel" about catty women in the workplace? Love revenge novels!

Won't see TG for 24 hours. Catching up on Bones. King of the lab!

Where Did Our Love Go?

Dish can't really speak to global politics, though close Dish sources feel Kadafi will repeat his previous antics and destroy what we're fighting for: oil. I can discuss Ancient Rome from 44 BC to 14 AD but after that, everything is fuzzy. This administration has been even more violent. At least France is helping.

Speaking of another kind of violence, former SNL star Victoria Jackson has denounced the Glee kiss, making other outrageous comments: http://www.advocate.com/News/Daily_News/2011/03/18/Former_SNL_Star_Found_Glee_Kiss_Sickening/ Everyone has a right to her opinion, but think about how many hetero make-out sessions we have been subjected to? Why can't men kiss on TV? Why can't teenage boys kiss? Remember Little Darlings? That involved making out and sex between teens thirty years ago. Can you tell I'll do anything to bring up the goddess herself Kristy McNichol, even if the reference doesn't quite work? It's possible to love Jesus and embrace love. For Dish, the Glee kiss was cockle-warming. Even more heart-thumping than all the Finn/Rachel face-sucking. But I'll take it all!

The Lincoln Lawyer is worth watching if you enjoy legal thrillers. This one has a few too many predictable twists, but is overall quite enjoyable with a fabulous cast of William H. Macy, Marisa Tomei, Francis Fischer, Michaela Conlin, Michael Pare (Eddie and the Cruisers!) and Josh Lucas. I take back any poo-pooing of Matthew McConaughey. Matthew is a really good actor if given the right role and this one was tailor-made for him. I didn't think about his armpits once.

Salieri Would Be So Proud of Charlie Sheen!

Picture it: I can't get enough of Kathy Griffin so turned on to watch 50 and Not Pregnant. Within a couple minutes, TG flipped it off. You either love her or she grates on you. I love her. She works her ass off and is a role model for tirelessness (I know what you think, JJ).

Let the hyperventilating continue: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A7Er5TsQrGg. DD gives good video. Duran Duran's rerelease of "All You Need Is Now" is days away.

Dish off to see The Lincoln Lawyer. Will not be able to stop thinking about Matthew McConaughey's armpits as he professes not to use deodorant. I hear that he's good in this and thank goodness! Have not LOVED him since A Time to Kill and Contact. Armpits.

Lost in Virginia Woolf's diary. Might subject TG to The Hours, if only to see the excellent chemistry between Nicole and whosiwhatsit who played Leonard. Bad prosthetic nose.

Charlie Sheen's show 75 minutes long? Okay, that's doable. Dish could easily teach her former high school French IV classes in that time. I'll send Sheen some lesson plans. Can't you tell he's trying to get away with the bare minimum? Mediocrity LIVES!

Renee Zellweger and Bradley Cooper Break Up!!!

I didn't see it as lasting but Dish is a strong believer in you-never-know. Wish Renee could meet someone amazing, who loves her squinty eyes, chameleon grace and birdlike runner's build. Still can't get out of head that Bradley Cooper tortures small animals in his off time from filming (too many episodes of Criminal Minds--I'm sure he's a wonderful person). Limitless looks like a piece of crap an interesting commentary on the influence of pharmaceuticals on human agency.

A sad day for aging women in Hollywood--Diane Lane has been cast as Superman's mother. That Secretariat role was a BAD move. She should have stuck with sexy Under the Tuscan Sun and Unfaithful type parts where she encounters freakish wind compelling her into a strange yet hot man's apartment for shelter...and boinking.

And, if my evening couldn't go more downhill, Bonnie Fuller writes this about Emily Maynard and Brad Womack's relationship on The Bachelor--that it's all fake: http://www.hollywoodlife.com/2011/03/18/the-bachelor-brad-womack-emily-maynard-fake-relationship-showmance/. So many secret TV hours wasted while TG was at work. Reality TV has screwed me for the last time (Until Real Housewives of New York City!!!).

I Wish I Lived in Austin Two Nights Ago!!!

And not just to spy on its residents (i.e. Sandra, Jesse/Kat, Lance, McConodeodorant). Finally, a critic who understands the majesty of Duran Duran. http://music-mix.ew.com/2011/03/17/duran-duran-sxsw/Please, Duran Duran, come to NYC. Dish doesn't want to go to Foxwoods. Can't since it's sold out. Plllleeeaaaaaazzzzzzzzzzzzz. I've spent soooo much $$$ on you. Let me spend more!!!

Big couple breakup: Ashley Greene and Joe Jonas. Will the lambs stop screaming? She may have moved on to someone else. Does she thinks hearts have 9 lives? Couple makeup: Billy Ray Cyrus withdraws divorce filing--prematurely? Phew, now Miley can have a normal upbringing.

Charlie Sheen keeps adding shows to his "tour." Remember when a frail Michael Jackson was going to do his tour This Is It? Dish can't help seeing scary parallels. My punishment for this negative thinking is that I ate Israeli couscous, which TG laughingly said contained gluten. Back on Julia diet. Looking forward to being skeletal!

In scary trash: Charlie's ex ho faked her suicide attempt. Very sad. She needs to take up knitting. So much more useful and fun. Dish could give lessons. This next season of Celebrity Rehab will be epic. I hate giving Michael Lohan any attention but he's a fantastic BS spewer and fame-whore--better than his daughter.

TG's driving--is like how one dances to Rock Lobster. Really fast, then really slow. Stop suddenly, burst of energy, stop again at the last minute. Dish drove partway home, but husband got all frowny faced. Gave him back the wheel and he glowed again. Though, should have never come home from Honeymoon. Immediately got sh*t upon, but Dish will have her revenge. The B*tch is Back!

For those newcomers...

......TG stands for The Groom. Back in August 2009, TG popped back into my life after 26 years. At first on this blog, I referred to him as Sketchy. Then he became TG in the fall of 2009 because I knew we'd wind up married--even with my advanced age, abysmal track record, and not being fan of the institution.

Don't ever give up.

Honeymoon Day #3

Dish had sad run-in with chocolate torte. Ate far too much gluten and had nightmares about my current arch-nemesis. Today I've started my Julia Roberts in America's Sweethearts diet, i.e no bread. At 4pm is tea and cookies in the Lake Lounge. Dish will just have tea. TG will reap the benefits of constant dining. I've never seen him so happy.

Sandra Bullock has given 1M to the Red Cross in relief to Japan. Hey, George Clooney, can't you scare up a telethon? It's time! No one raises money like celebrities--as long as the celebs can at least match some of Sandra's generosity. I love those telethons mostly for the good will but also for the acty-celebrity-seriousness.

Dishbrother is suggesting going to see Charlie Sheen's Radio City Music Hall show. He's sold out one show, now added another. Hard to know WHAT he could possibly say in two hours. The webcasts were boring crap. Now if the tickets were 20$, I'd consider it. Or if he gave 1/2 the proceeds to charity. Otherwise, another untalented loser if left unscripted. Japan is in crisis and Charlie is high on himself.

Honeymoon Day#2

Mohonk is bliss. Except for the construction work and the trails are closed (secret yipee since Dish hates walking uphill). We had a breakfast buffet, played pool and had cordials. During the pool, I tried to channel Tom Cruise in The Color of Money. I gloated, tried to ruin TG's concentration, took tricky shots, pranced, I lost both games. We went to the barn museum and looked at old carriage (made Dish think of Little House, coincidentally brought disk 4 of Season 1 with me just in case bored of nature). TG says he's going swimming but remains fixated on his new BFF, iPad. Dish isn't pretending she's going to do anything productive.

Celebrities: Drew Barrymore is directing How to Be Single, based on Liz Tuccillo's book. I'm sure it'll be cute and TG can't wait for it to come out. Reese Witherspoon might be getting married in a week. I'd rather see her in a great movie. And Jonathan Rhys Meyers might have roughed up a female airport worker last year and there are charges--or something. He does have that intense Do As I Say look about him. Loved him in Match Point. Where he kills someone.

Yes, I watched last night's Glee (and every one before it) to see Kathy Griffin. She was fabulous, but her role was too small. Still wondering if Brad and Emily are still together after The Bachelor.

Season Finale of "The Bachelor"

I spent a few years in graduate school studying Foucault, Belgian novelists and post-colonial theory (I can only use this excuse for so long). I promised to read 5 more pages of Proust, which made me less ashamed to watch the three-hour finale of The Bachelor where Brad Womack made his choice in bride. Spoiler Alert: It was Emily. Of course it was Emily. The brunette, while adorable, seemed too desperate to marry Brad and broke all the tenets we learned in He's Just Not That Into You, i.e. when you tell him you love him over and over, you're driving him away. Wearing one's heart on one's sleeve is just fine with Dish. Life is short. Most important, when Chantal cried, which was on every episode, she looked pretty. But Brad chose darling Emily, though I was crushed to realize they didn't have a fairy tale relationship after the proposal. They have real issues, which include her not moving to Austin and "poking the bear." Dish wanted to see an impulsive wedding between these two and I'm afraid it'll go the way of past Bachelor couples--down the toilet. Perhaps Brad got his true comeuppance with his choice, though I hope they both find happiness. This was more than I'd expected, especially since with his chiseled man-teets, wooden interaction with the ladies and constant working out, I thought he was...well...

Dish is off on a Miranda and Steve honeymoon at Mohonk. We've never gone away together and after 16 months together, it's about time. Before I go, one of Charlie's hos Kacey Jordan tried to commit suicide. With all the awfulness happening in Japan and this makes headlines. Only bright spot in global tragedy is how people come together to help each other. Let's hope this country can recover and get on the road to healing.

Spring Forward = All-Nighter for Dish!

My apologies to Russell Crowe for this artistic license. After The Insider, Dish hand-wrote an impassioned letter to Russell, praising his work--and possibly telling him all about my new life in NYC. Fourteen years later, I found the autographed headshot and while I'm no longer a big fan of Russell, I applaud any actor who sends a fan an autographed headshot from Australia--especially when no SASE was provided.

Watched Sister Wives and was unimpressed. Everyone on the show seemed nice and balanced. No freak show. I sort of wanted to hang with them, do crafts, play with the kids, and be positive. I don't believe in polygamy for myself (TG possesses the awesomeness of at least four husbands), but as long as no one is hurt....

Dish hates daylight savings time. Every hour I was like "omgihavetoget
upsoonsomustsleepnowmustsleepcan'tsleepomgihavetogetupsoon%&$*%&!"

Ryan Philippe's ex might have pulled a Bridget Moynihan, claiming that Ryan is her babydaddy after he's moved on to someone else. I'm not sure who these people are, but feel Bridget is fabulous. Wish baby well. Usher has a sex tape--yeah, I don't care either. And what's this about Gilbert Godfried making jokes about the tsunami in Japan? Nice knowing you, GG. That's a career-killer.

Who's watching The Bachelor finale tonight? Yeah, me neither. Absolutely not waiting with bated breath. Don't judge!

Waiting for Julia to Tweet

It's like the most anticipated celebrity dump. Hollywood's intestines are clogged with thoughts under 140 characters--like what is Rob Thomas having for dinner tonight, Kat Von D is so proud of her man. Yes, Dish follows these celebs but waits for the most cosmic insight of all. Julia Roberts has joined Twitter but has yet to Tweet. Dish knows she'll say something like: Donate $$ to Red Cross for Japan because Julia is selfless that way. She and George Clooney are well matched.

Almost as big is the news that Jake Gyllenhaal fought with a photog for trying to take a picture of his ween in the bathroom. Going too far? If I were a celeb, I wouldn't use a public restroom. That's why glass jars in limos were invented.

You can see I'm dealing with weighty issues. Not the least of which is how big my ass has gotten from chips, burgers and chocolate covered almonds ingested this weekend.

@dishuponastar

Last night's Simon Le Bon dream. We didn't click! Mostly cuz he didn't believe I got into DD when I was 5 (more like 14). Prick!

Looking at DD's Milan pics. Disappointed they wear sunglasses inside. Hate that!

Ha! DD member I never swooned over--Simon (and Andy). Realized, esp. in this pic, HE LOOKS LIKE DISHBROTHER! Ergo Simon + Dish = RELATED!

Scoop: TG doesn't like Hugh Grant. Agree he's shticky but heart About a Boy and Bridget Jones. Hugh = chick flick actor.

Exercised and ate burger/chocolate covered almonds/2 servings of Tostitos. Damn you, TG, for being human garbage disposal AND thin.

Orgasmic--Julia Roberts joined Twitter! Hasn't Tweeted yet. She doesn't have anything better to do so WTF.

Even though probably insane, Alec nails it sometimes: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/alec-baldwin/alec-baldwin-charlie-sheen_b_834847.html.

Must sh*t or get off pot.

Kathy Griffin Is a Broadway Star!!!

Picture it: Tiffany comes out to pour Kath's water--booming applause. Video clips begin, crowd goes ape as always (Cheyenne Jackson sitting two rows behind us!!!). Kathy then comes strutting out, wearing spandex pants and a black "Kath-eter" t-shirt. We were eight rows in--really close. I could see wrinkles (not age wrinkles, but denoting different planes on her face--no need for a lift!) and genuine Kathy molecules. Dish had only a few panic attacks at the celebrity proximity. Because KG's never done Broadway before, she called her fairy godmother out to give her some tips. Dish and Dishbrother nearly wet themselves when Dishmama's HEROINE OF ALL TIME Suzy Ormond (looking amazing) came out and told her to be herself. And that's what Kathy did for the next two hours. Truly, a riot and works hard for a buck. Will say, since Kathy would love it, she's REALLY skinny, like lollipop skinny in real life.

So, holy crap about Japan. Don't you feel the world is coming to an end? Plus, Great White sharks are fading out, though I have heard this for decades. Another extinction is the Justin Timberlake/Jessica Biel relationship, though they never struck me as a hot item. Jessica needs to stop doing makeup commercials and get back into movies fast. Dumped by A-list and you never recover.

As I was saying, the great balm to the world's tragedies was Kathy Griffin. She didn't go into Charlie Sheen too much, which was kind as well as depriving us gossip-hogs dirt. Plenty of other dissing. Now I'm going to follow Kristin Chenoweth who allegedly Tweets on Ambien. Thanks, Kath!

What's Wrong With This Picture?

Megan Fox stars as the brilliant protegee along with two OMPs, Mickey Rourke and Bill Murray. Passion Play comes out straight to DVD in May and I *have* to see how bad it is. Who will be her daddy or will it be a Groundhog Day/Angelheart gray turkey gizzard sex sandwich? MUST SEE.

In today's uninteresting trainwreck, Ashlee Simpson has moved on to another man. And put on your lipstick, ladies. Tony Danza has filed for divorce. Aw, that's sad. Who's the Boss was awesome!

Dish goes to see Kathy Griffin tomorrow night on Broadway. JJ can close his eyes. It was rumored that she was dating the Old Spice Guy, Mustafa. If you've read her book, you know she's probably not with someone as A-list as Mustafa. She's probably banging Mustafa's driver in some alley during intermission. Love Kathy!

Monsters Good and Bad

I love Lady Gaga even more! Her deal to sell a box-set of her CD is off with Target. She had made the deal expressly so they would give more funding to LGBT community but perhaps it wasn't a match made in heaven. F*ck Target and any anti-gay org!

On That Person's addiction, refer to Dr. Drew, who sounds very rational and user-friendly when it comes to explaining the condition. http://www.cnn.com/video/data/2.0/video/bestoftv/2011/03/08/exp.ac.drew.on.sheen.cnn.html. Praise be to Jon Cryer who has stayed mum about the flood of Sheen-ick. Long live Duckie!

Insane White House crasher and former D.C. Housewife Michaela Salahi was booted from Celebrity Rehab because she's not addicted to anything. Thank your lucky stars, honey! Dish keeps John Taylor's wisdom in mind. That once you're famous you spend all your time trying to keep it or get it back.

Mike Starr, Alice in Chains bassist, died yesterday, cause unknown but if you were watching Celebrity Rehab (as Dish was accidentally while on treadmill), you noticed he was a sad mess. Blessings on his coming and going.

Mary Stuart Masterson is pregs with twins. Gives a slightly younger girl hope. :)

You Know She Loved Wearing a Dress

Daniel Craig stands behind women in this sobering piece. It's only two minutes out of your day, and, you know, she's kinda pretty. http://scoop.today.com/_news/2011/03/08/6217748-daniel-craig-in-drag-to-support-international-womens-day. Made me feel depressed about being female.

Another reason for depression, aside from head congestion: the fact that Duran Duran is lollygagging around the world (remember scene from Bull Durham? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pLMl0CLIDLg) but not stopping in New York where Dish can go massively ape. Do I have to go to Foxwoods to see them?

Pray for Dish. Decided to let go of Glee until it's awesome. Will wait for DVD. Time is better spent watching TG's amusing self and reading Virginia Woolf. (We'll see how long this lasts)

tgcat sibotag!!!

itz TGcat's tern 4 warlick "wining!" shirlee sheen wz FARD frum 2 & haf Min! lov it! rivenge 4 thinkin he haz TIGRE'S Blud! Az ifffff!

hores Guy Ritchie & Jacqui Ainsley r griwing a bebe n hr tummie. i eatte my hare & yakk it p on th flore!!!

C mi gf Gin-ifer Aniston bng cutte in http://mashable.com/2011/03/07/jennifer-aniston-sex-tape-viral/. mi mommy gves mee sh*tti watre frm th tap!!!!!

Desperate Housewives jimpt th sharque w/th kidney and hsswife sooicide.

Raining in New York

TG and I finally gave up the umbrella. You shred so many in New York. The winds are high with pedestrians flailing against Mother Nature. Kinda funny but not. We know what's in the news. Dish is trying to avoid "Warlocks", winning and tiger's blood, understanding that next week will bring another headline.

Just flipped through Rupert Everett's autobiography, going straight to the sections on Paula Yates and then Julia, of course. All I want is the smut, not literary narrative about childhood. Skipped the Madonna section. I feel like I know enough. Never enough about Julia.

Superheroes are getting a reboot: Wonder Woman via David E. Kelley; Superman via Zack Snyder (who seems to be making Sin City over and over again). Why can't someone create a NEW superhero. Wonder how anyone can reinvent Wonder Woman. The costume alone needs modernizing.

Right now, Teri Hatcher's kidney is failing on Desperate Housewives. She and boring Mike should go on a cruise and never come back.

I Love Stephen Fry

Dish listened to Charlie Sheen's live broadcast for a few secs just now and it took me back. Remember those days in college where you sat in a room full of guys and slightly-competitive female friends, watched them get high and drunk and waited for the guys to notice you? Usually one XY would dominate and spend far too long talking about nothing (dude, 19 shots for each birthday! Trotsky is like so awesome), mostly himself, lots of giggling over bs, pretending to know what he talked about, energy being sucked out of the room, etc... Well, that's what this was. One Charlie "goddess" sat on the couch while three guys spouted and cheered each other's idiocy. Lots of manic movements and not a whole lot of intelligence coming from Charlie. A whole lotta nothing.

By contrast, there's Stephen Fry. Dish has become addicted to Bones (after catching up on all the Criminal Minds) and he plays Booth's shrink. He's one of the few actors who can make me smile just by appearing on screen. Epic Tweets. Must rewatch Wilde and entire oeuvre.

So let's support those performers who are intelligent and can produce.

David Arquette in Car Accident

Some people can't catch a break. Divorce, rehab and this afternoon David Arquette was injured in a car accident and is recovering at Cedars-Sinai (like I know where that is). Hope he's better soon.

Mike Huckabee did the unthinkable by pulling a Dan Quayle from when Murphy Brown was on the air. Quayle never recovered. You don't eff with Murphy Brown--or Natalie Portman. Look at the crazy married people procreating these days. Poor Natalie has had so much to deal with: Galliano's craziness and now Huckabee dissing her unwed pregnancy. Stop, Huck; stop, leathery fashion man with the dark soul. You're hurting the baby.

The Sheen mania has sickened me. Dish is curious to follow him on Twitter but will take a stand against psychotic-tomfoolery masquerading as cool.

Not Much to Report

Dish is doing a quick immersion in Little House on the Prairie, where dumbass Half Pint thinks she can keep a disease-ridden raccoon as a pet. But it's so cute!

The biggest thing I read in In Touch was that--brace yourself--Jenn and Brad had a near collision at LAX on 2/23. Catastrophe! Makes me wonder at all the near celebrity collisions at airports. I should make a map of who's done whom and get concrete facts of Who's The Biggest Ho in Hollywood. Who gets your vote? It would keep the airspace safe for America.

The raccoon just bit the dog, who is now f*cked. but Michael Landon--topless, of course--will suck the rabies out of the canine.

Celebrity Euthanasia!

Thank goodness the U.S. has the attention span of a gnat. One scandal-ridden person in the headlines, then another. I'm sick of reading the tabs right now because only one boring sad person dominates them. I won't say who but it makes me think that euthanasia should be practiced on humans more often.

On a more gray and withered note, Sean Penn and Scarlett Johanssen might have been in Mexico together. How could his shriveled, tar-tinged fingers come in contact with her peaches and cream melons? I do love him as an actor.

Finally, Dish has started the second season of Nurse Jackie. I figured out why Edie Falco looks older than her husband. Because she's an addict. As with he who shall not be named who is in the headlines now, substance abusers tend to look like sh*t (I can already hear JJ saying, "So what's your excuse, *%&$*?"). Of course, the husband would look better as he seems grounded. Love Edie's sass and celebrate Nurse Jackie's ability to juggle so much. She would be the perfect person to administer the fatal drip to certain marquis annoyances.

Star Sighting--Julianne Nicholson!!!

It's as if she's camping out on 16th and 7th Avenue at 6:52pm every Tuesday! This time Julianne wore a white scarf. Lovely as always.

I have to do bulletpoints:

Christina Aguilera and her upstanding bf arrested for public intoxication and allegedly driving under the influence. Yes, she's in full Britney-circa-2007 mode.

Sexy siren Jane Russell (the other woman in Gentleman Prefer Blondes) has passed on to Starlet-Heaven. Blessings on her comings and goings.

John Galliano fired from Dior for his outrageous anti-semitic remarks. Sugar-t*ts anyone? Celebrities are being so crazy nowadays (see next note).

Charlie Sheen's verbal diarrhea continues! What can I say? Bring on John Stamos and I'd actually watch the show. The crew is getting paid for episodes of lost season.

An epic The Bachelor last night, involving dates in "fantasy suites." Just another word for "boinking." Thought adorable Emily would keep legs crossed but she caved.

Half-pint Melissa Gilbert and Bruce Boxleitner split. By sheer coincidence my second disk of Season 1 of Little House on the Prairie arrives today. Booked tickets to see Allison Arngrim's show at Spin Cycle on June 17th (2 tickets, TG, which means you can go).