The Stars Are Quiet

Now that the Kardashian baby is born, we can all go home and resume our lives. After a busy day yesterday, Dish drank 1/2 a beer and then had a hangover all day today. Isn't that sad? Seriously, I was downing aspirin, squinting at all light above dim, and telling TG to stop screaming. What does Sam Adams put in its magical brew? Oh, alcohol.

Happy Father's Day--not my favorite day but a special hats off to my rockin' uncles and amazing dad cousins. My father this year is George Jetson.

Now for dirt, RHoOC spitfire Tamra married Eddie (I thought he was gay). Vicki and Heather were bridesmaids, but what about Gretchen? I thought they were besties. The truth will reveal itself this season. Gretch and Tamra didn't click so much in Mexico.

Kim Khad a Kbaby Kgirl!

Kim allegedly delivered 5 weeks early, but Dish is wise to the stars' pregnancy tactics. I think she had her baby only a week early because the stars always say a month later so as to avoid the paps storming the hospital on the real due date. Kudos to the Kappy Kouple! Wouldn't it be cool if they named her Lucy? Using Dish's formula, Duchess Kate will deliver any second now.

Now, I have an overdue sighting from May 29th from Dishbrothersidekick. He writes:

"Dean Winters, who played Ryan O'Reily in OZ. I saw him today, walking his bike through the crowd at the Union Sq Farmer's Market, around 5:30pm. He looks a bit more rugged since his days in OZ and has a few lines around the eyes, but still looks very handsome and flashed a beautiful sexy smile." He's the guy we now know from the Geico commercials (which TG enjoys over and over).

Who's seen the new Superman? I'm hearing that it blows.

Rumor that Amanda Bynes is faking her craziness. I knew it!!! So now, let's stop giving her attention.

Angelina Jolie Leaves Me Speechless

Okay, now I'm on Team Jolie (and Team Aniston). Today, it's all Jolie. You go, girl!

Baba Is Retiring

It's hard to believe that Barbara Walters is retiring. Maybe she and Oprah can sit by the pool and get sloshed on mojitos and do a new show together, Boprah. I want to hear drunken lady talk about who they've slept with, certainly not interesting people they've interviewed or charitable causes they've supported.

Speaking of ladies, one of my girl crushes, Jane Lynch, is on Broadway as Miss Hannigan in Annie. I had no intention of seeing this one, but now, I must. I just hope the tickets don't cut into my Jersey Boys budget.

A fond farewell to Dr. Joyce Brothers, who I always mixed up with Dinah Shore. They've got that same blond wave.


Smash (spoiler): I'm sort of waiting for the unthinkable to happen, like maybe Debra Messing makes out with the last person she should be with, the Simon Cowell guy. Don't think the chemistry's working with Jessie Martin (though I adore him). He and Ivy are so over even though she's preggers.

TG and I are going to France...

Happy Mother's Day!!!

A special Mother's Day greeting to my mother, who is my sunshine. Other than that unconditional love thing, here are some valuable lessons I've learned from my mom:

Mayonnaise is important.

Putting butter on bacon is delicious but make sure no one sees you doing it!

It's possible to give up an addiction without telling everyone about it.*

Work hard, even if you have pneumonia. Okay, maybe not if you have pneumonia.

Laugh at funny men. (Jack Nicholson, Jim Carrey, everyone in The 40-Year-Old Virgin)

Get manicures/pedicures often and tell your manicurist how the reason why your nails look bad is because you work so much in the garden.

When in doubt, soak all food in butter.

If too much Chardonnay makes you vomit, blame it on the grapes and switch to Pinot Grigio.

Wearing black is always a Martha Stewart good thing.

Mayonnaise, yogurt, and mustard make a scrumptious topping for any casserole (oh, wait, that's just me)

Get the hell off your couch and go for a walk.

When your child seems a little anorexic, order something for yourself and then shovel most of it onto her plate.

Try to see the good in people, or appear to, and let your children learn from their own mistakes.

If you have the chance for someone to play you in a movie, choose Meryl Streep--I mean, Demi Moore.

Support women, unless they're jerks.

Ignore jerks as they are usually inconsequential.


Throw parties. Lots of them.

People can surprise you. Don't abandon your faith in them.

You can be quiet about some things, but fight to the death for worthy causes.

5 minutes of calisthenics is just fine.

Visit people.

Fried oysters are the best thing on the menu.

And most importantly, always look on the bright side of your life.

Thanks, Mamala!!!

*Mom quit butts through acupuncture and didn't whine about how hard it was. I quit butts cold turkey and whined about it for a year. Another lesson: Don't be such a whiner.

Even Stars Bonk Their Heads

Did you read the headlines? Kanye bumped his head on a sign, you know, the way real people do. Then he threw a hissy at the paps, probably for distracting him. I am going to do the same thing the next time I fall up a flight of stairs. It's not me so much as other people making me klutzy, sort of like when I try to psych TG out while he's trying to do yoga (he can't do it).

Other than this, the only other news aside from global conflict, climate change, and the economy is that Lindsay's Adderall is being taken away at Betty Ford. I'm not sure if it's true. Aren't you supposed to go cold turkey on everything? Poor girl. She should probably be there for a year. It's not as if the world is missing great work by her being on the inside.

Still watching Army Wives--thinking that Kim Delaney has to be the most beautiful woman in the world. I remember when she played Jenny on All My Children and how wounded I felt when she died. It was as if someone I loved had been taken from me.

Sam is watching Arrested Development and now wants Will Arnett to play him in the movie version of my book.

I Can't Stop Watching "Army Wives"!

It's my cousin's fault for suggesting this excellent series that takes place on an army post, where wives get together, bond, drink wine and name their lady parts. My weekend is chock-full.

This morning I began with Taken 2. You know something? 60-something action heroes rule! Even though he's wearing skunk fur on his head, Liam Neeson is bad ass.

I end with the trailer for August: Osage County. My verdict: Julia tries really hard to be a normal person but sorry, FAILURE. She is as perfect and gorgeous as ever (and Meryl does some fab scenery chewing!).

Looking for reviews of The Great Gatsby. Have the feeling it's bleh. Tobey and Leo, really? I like them in certain projects, like Cider House Rules and The Departed respectively. I don't see how they could outshine Sam Waterston and Robert Redford. I just don't, not even with Baz's pomp and circumstance. Did like his Romeo & Juliet, though.

I Dropped an Ativan Down My Bra During Jersey Boys

Trapped between Typhoid Ted and two nice people close to death, I knew I'd get jittery by "Opus 17." It takes lot of effort to dodge coughing fits and seek alternate routes should Grim Reaper start singing "Oh what a night..." Dish flees in a crisis. I put off medicating until right before "Too Good to Be True" when the fidgets got too Sybil, even for me. I deftly reached into my purse, brought out my First Aid Kit, and oh-so gingerly pulled out the little white speck. The minute I put it up to my mouth it dropped into the abyss. I started laughing, thinking, Thanks, Universe. Message received. So I closed my eyes and just listened, felt so much better naturally because of that fabulous song.

More drama from the Met Gala. Gwyneth Paltrow didn't like it and now we hate her even more. Imagine, a costume party that's not FUN. Can I go in her place next year? And also, now that Randy Jackson is leaving Idol at the end of the year, I'm volunteering to replace him, with all my years of experience. Oh no, wait. I can't sit with Nicki Minaj. Mariah, yes.


Allegedly, Real Housewives of NYC have threatened to walk if they don't get gigantic paychecks. I say, Andy Cohen, drop this particular cast immediately. This past season was a big fat snore. (I'll be a housewife for free--plus 100K
...)