Happy Blue Moon!

Renowned scribe Elmore Leonard has died. I get him mixed up with Hunter S. Thompson (also dead) so when I heard the news, I felt terrible for Johnny Depp who had an affinity with the latter. Then I decided to become informed and searched Wikipedia for a list of Elmore Leonard's works and realized I was mourning the wrong dude and screw Johnny anyway. Doesn't he have enough? RIP to the one responsible for 3:10 to Yuma and Out of Sight, two Dishfaves.

Today I'm disappointed in Simon Cowell for publicly acknowledging his paternity. Why can't he continue dissing everything in sight? Really, Simon? You're going to love sh*tty onesies (Dish doesn't mind them--in fact, TG and I will babysit)?

More important news--Radaronline is alleging that Kim Kardashian had leg fat moved into her butt. Dish has the perfect recipe for a fat butt: the rice and potatoes I had for dinner. Still mourning the loss of Lee Thompson Young. I can't bear to watch Rizzoli & Isles right now.

It's a Good Thing I'm Home

Can I just say that the world went to hell with Dish and TG in France? Three senseless--and young--celebrity deaths (RIP, Lee Thompson Young, Gia Allemand and Lisa Robin Kelly), Criminal Minds's Thomas Gibson catfished (with totally embarrassing hot tub video--and yes, I had to look up what catfished meant) and an online feud between between Perez Hilton and Lady Gaga, Katie Couric and Kim Kardashian. Can we all simmer down, believe in ourselves and take stock of what's good in our lives again?

It's okay now. We're home.

Vacation verdict: It was so wonderful to experience Paris with TG. We dined, walked, spoke French, and our digestive tracts will never be the same. As we took in sumptuous sights, I also realized how much I love being a New Yorker (even though I hate it too, which is so New York).

Bonjour, Mes Amis!

Dish est living it up en France. Je ne sais pas comment j'ai survived le plane mais j'ai did. Nous eatons, walkons, et cloggue les arteries. Une nice vacation avec mon chou chou.

Off to Frogland...

...on a day that threatens constant thunderstorms and more terror alerts. Dish hates to travel, but alas, these two weeks without TG have made me positively forlorn. I am co-dependent and will endure seven hours of white knuckles to be reunited once again with the land of my childhood and the man of my dreams.

Celebrity updates: The Bachelorette chose probably the best person. The whole season ended on a high notes. All the guys seemed lame until the end. I'm so glad Brooks showed his true colors and he looked a little pasty After the Rose. I hope that Dez appreciate the good in the guy, rather than the flash. Though sometimes you get flash and good.

I did not comprehend the finale for Real Housewives of Orange County. Juvaderm this and Botox that.

And now, I'm off to eat some croissants--if I get through the trip in one piece!

No More Quick Fixes, Dr. Oz

Dish is a whore for quick insomnia fixes so when Dr. Oz suggested gelatin as a helper for ZZzzzs, there was a running redhead on the street, heading for my favorite deli where I found expired boxes of Jello and then one black cherry box still ripe. I ran home and made it, then let it sit because I'm not a fan of Jello, except when my gramma made it. If she were in the vicinity, I'd chow it down. Maybe if there were some Cool-Whip. Long story long, I threw out the entire thing.

Much like gelatin, Simon Cowell's spawn adhered itself to one woman's lucky womb. Can you imagine the good fortune of growing up with a cranky father who tells him he's awful and not idol potential? (Love Simon, though!)

Kat Von D is one of my favorites, though her taste in men keeps getting worse. Maybe caught on a date with Drew Barrymore's ex--the really weird one?

Star Sighting--Academy Award Nominee Joan Allen!!!

Dishbrother writes at 3:11 pm: Right now--Joan Allen @ Five Napkin Burger, Bway & 84th, sitting outside, hair lovely strawberry blonde. Easy breezy.

Dish immediately replies: Is she still a skinny bitch?

DB: Yep. But she looks good.

I hate HER! Joan is a triple threat--so talented you forget she's an actress, pretty and skinny!!! Plus, now she's at an age where she can have sexy geezer sex. Remember UpYourButt with Anger with Kevin Costner? That one blew, but you get the idea of what's possible for Miss Sexy Joan. Oh Joan, using your lovely locks as a scarf to hide your magnificence--out in the wide open air.

In other news, Dish had a heinous panic attack, couldn't get on subway without almost hurling so walked home. Hate having anxiety, though it might have been tainted turkey. Salad bar--never again.

"Great Role Models for Other Married Couples"

Just when you thought it was safe to scour the internets for wholesome news items, this awesomeness hits you like a sharknado and you Can't Turn Away. I confess, Doug is fantastic actor and I sort of like Courtney Stodden. She's a rude interruptor with gigantic fun bags, but in twenty years, she might rule the world and we won't know how it happened. I suspect her IQ is freakishly high. For now, though, she's a guppy with 0 impulse control.

In Scientology, I scanned a list of celebrity devotees and found...Jeffrey Tambor, acting genius of Arrested Development. REALLY? I'm fascinated.

Today's divorce news: Natasha Henstridge--my very first girl crush--is splitting with her man. Could my ultimate star-fantasy come true, that she and her co-star from The Secret Circle Gale Harold did more than kiss on-screen (I didn't see it but can only assume)? Please say yes. Otherwise, I'll have to watch her with Michael Vartan in little known screen masterpiece It Had to Be You.

Spike Lee released his must watch movies--all men, mostly predictable.

The Bachelorette: Forgive me, feminists, but Brooks is a gigantic pu**y. He's just not that into you, Des.

A Celeb-aholic's Despair

You may have noticed my absence, though if I read the analytics, maybe not so much. I'll tell you the truth about my silence. I've made a discovery so perverse, so unimaginable that I've sunken into a hole of Grey's Anatomy (Next post will explain why the writing is technically awful), of scripted television where the characters are nice, fun, interesting and not total idiots.

Dish has realized: Celebrities are a-holes to be avoided at all times.

I don't know how journalists, tabloids, groupies or paps devote their time to them. They're idiots. They waste themselves, market their personas to sell products, don't care about others. Most of them can't put two words together and are so desperate to be photographed, they'll pretend to hate it, get publicly drunk or parade around in a new bikini on "vacation." Then they go onto Twitter and spout nothing special.

I've raised them to a higher standard for so long. Now I just think they're silly. Could this be the summer blues? I can't bear to read TMZ because it's the same people and who-cares kinds of stories. Sure, I'll search for blind items and when I hear that Bethenney's a total nightmare to work with, I cackle still. But my eyes can't take any more of the Kimye, the housewives, who only do the following:

1. Meet, talk about their new product lines.
2. Get into fights.
3. Meet in public place for lunch to discuss the fight.
4. Fight again.
5. Arrange awkward gettogether where more fighting can happen.

Even Duchess Kate giving birth did nothing for me. The Bachelorette is about to choose a crybaby for her true love. Ray Donovan and The Killing have become lame. Everyone is a hustler. It's not fun anymore.

Because I've devoted 45 years to celebrities, I'm waiting for a moment of redemption. Maybe Snooki will go to law school. Or Weiner and Spitzer will give up their campaigns and frolic in a tub of oil with their socks on and it will be filmed. Or maybe, a star will be caught reading Crime and Punishment. These would bring me hope.