The Cute Boy Report
by Warren Piece
7/6/06


Here we are with the very first Cute Boy Report! In this column I’ll be dishing all the cutest boys and what or who they’re doing, and whether or not they’re doing it for me. So where the heck is Emile Hirsch these days? If you need to ask who he is, you’re obviously not on my Christmas card list, ‘cuz one year not so long ago my cards featured this cutie totally nudie. And it brought me many hours of comfort and joy. Emile was half-naked in The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys and then gave us the full (rear) monty in The Girl Next Door. Frequently one to eschew big-budget costuming, he wore unflattering underwear in The Mudge Boy and saggy skaterwear in The Lords of Dogtown. So where is he now?

He’s been working on a special little project with Bruce Willis and Justin Timberlake. “Hold on,” you say, “Justin’s in a film?!!!” Well, not if some nasty lawyers have anything to say about it. Seems Alpha Dog, the Nick Cassavetes ode to surburban teenage crime sprees is being litigated ‘cuz some of it’s true or something like that. It’s based on a San Fernando Valley guy who allegedly kidnapped the son of a popular drug supplier and then got painted into a tight corner and had to have the boy iced. Of course, I hate to see boys iced (unless you’re dragging the ice up and down their smooth, sweaty, hot chest), but missing the chance to see Emile in a new film is enough to make me hate the lawyers who are holding up the whole project.

And speaking of holding up a project, who or what’s been holding up Kieran Culkin since Igby went down? It’s been four years and all we’ve heard out of the Culkin household is Michael Jackson this and Rachel Miner that. At least Macaulay was a Party Monster who eventually got Saved! since Kieran’s last call. Kieran, why do you keep us hanging? Meanwhile, Macaulay’s former Good Son co-star, Elijah (gave me) Wood is looking a little less cute since everything got illuminated for him. He seems to have cut off most of his hair! And frankly, without the head of hair, all we’re left with is some seriously freaky eyes. Listen boys, I know bald is in, but there’s plenty of time for that when you’re cashing your social security checks. As Brad Pitt once said to Tom Cruise in the lost scene from Interview With the Vampire, “the beauty of this is that your hair is always shiny, silky and shimmering in the midnight sun!”

Okay, okay, the real issue here is Emile Hirsch. I don’t really care about whether this Alpha Dog story is real or imagined. I just want to know what Emile will or won’t be wearing! That boy is seriously cute and I’ll gladly alpha his dog any time he wants!