Damonetics: The New Religion
7/10/06

First we should define it:

Damonetics--a religion, way of life, governed by the laws pertaining to Matt Damon.

Damonetics takes years from your chronological age, will cause you to spout cliches during interviews, might even impregnate you with an alien child if your passion runs high. The laws of Damonetics, as with hair care, are simple and finite.

As a servant of Damonetics, you will obey its commandments. We have eleven, possibly more.

1. Thou shalt not make a movie like The Legend of Bagger Vance again.
2. Thou shalt not worship false Damons.
3. Thou shalt not use the Damon's name in vain.
4. Thou shalt honor Matt Damon despite his love for the Red Sox.
5. Thou shalt not steal anyone's Matt Damon DVDs unless for purposes of a communal offering to the pastor of Damonetics (Warren).
6. Thou shalt never mention the "L" word unless it's a show on HBO.
7. Thou shall always think of Matt during those special alone times.
8. Thou shall Damonize well and often.
9. Thou shalt covet thy Damon's life.
10. Thou shalt pretend to understand the movie Dogma.
11. Thou shalt lie in the name of Damon, especially if the bed is in a shabby apartment in Southside Boston and your boyfriend is a janitor math genius.