Happy Samhain!

A whirlwhind of a day. Dish had her first hangover in years (from 3/4 of a glass of scotch, which is beyond sad), got into first fight with TG, alienated everyone around... and on the best day of the year: Halloween, when the veil between life and death is thin. Which dead person should I channel tonight? Who could help me on this journey? Who would you want to see?

Movies watched today: the ever-sh*tty Submerged starring our hero Steven, who shows off his mastery of Ebonics. He is a man who can blend into any ethnicity: Cowboy, Apallachia, Jamaica, Cajun, and Brooklyn. The cliched lesbian overtones, Armageddon rip-off and bad looping alone will entertain die-hard fans. Also watched Training Day. It's okay.

Oooh, I hear noise. The Halloween parade is just outside. Perhaps some fresh air would do the trick.

Crap is the New Black

Don't you think all this press about how bad Matthew Broderick is in The Starry Messenger is a way to sell tickets? There's an article in the Post about all the play's problems, how the writer/director is difficult, won't cut the play, it's a catastrophic downward spiral. Now I want to see it. But I won't because Matthew Broderick, to me, is just okay. I did enjoy Addicted to Love, couldn't give two craps about Ferris Bueller (I've gone out with him far too often).

In more refreshing news: TG wants to help me refurnish my apartment and take me on a trip overseas. How nice is this? I'm a little shocked by the generosity. I tend to get stuck with the bill (and to be fair, I offer to pay for things, which is a mistake).

Cycles and Banishings

I'm back to being bored of celebs: Palin vs. Levi, Jon & Kate, Octopoop (who def. looks as if she's had work on her face since dropping her load), the Balloon Family, Lindsay Lohan and her famewhore father. How much should we care about these people? Doesn't anyone work anymore? I wrote this a few months ago and it's true again. I'm so repetitive, mediocrity has me in its grasp. Help! Will thumb through some Rumi and try to find something less quoted. Shoot me if I start reading Rilke.

The fall shows have started (go Eastwick, Mad Men, Dexter and Modern Family) but not much beyond mental retardation glosses the screens. I hear Mariah Carey has a new movie out but it's serious. I want Glitter 2.

All I can think about is getting through mountains of work and 47 days left until my trip to JFK.

It Should Be Declared a National Holiday!

Happy Birthday, Julia Louise Dreyfuss Brockovich Roberts Moder-Home! Our darling Georgia Peach is 42--which is close to Dish's age but Dish never gets to lounge in a bikini with Javier Bardem. That b*tch! She's been with all the hottest costars, has three gorgeous children and a stunner of a husband. But I can't hate her because she's a knitter and everytime she's on screen, I'm bedazzled and besotted.

Julia is the sun. She's just a girl, standing in front of the world, asking us to love her. And we do!

(I need meds)

Star Sighting: Mario Cantone

4:10, 8th Avenue, b/w 17 & 18th: Who was swishing his tight glutes but the Page of Adorableness himself, my imaginary wedding planner, Mario Cantone. Mario and Dish made eye contact. I felt a frisson of ecstacy before Mario looked away. I know he felt it too.

Happy Birthday, Simon John Spank Me Charles Patchouli Le Bon!!!

Haiku for Simon

You are fifty-one
Hotter than lizard mixtures
Or striped hungry wolves

You're as easy as
pink tiger spandex, long legs
a nuclear war

Come up and see us
Make us smile, do what you want
Running Wild Boy (Ga!)

I could spot those jowls
in a snowstorm, dear snowflake
Ever “blond” madness

Happy birthday, Simes
Keep on eating your Wheaties
And rocking your fans!

You're Welcome

Having lived in Paris and not just for a semester abroad, Dish is onto to wicked ways of French men. They are gorgeous but big cheaters and who needs that? Just when I thought I'd never ever fall for another one, Gilles Marini appears on Brothers & Sisters and now I'm in full hot flash. He is just the shot of frog-adrenaline the show needed and he can act. Who cares about Kitty's Lymphoma? If your series is dying, bring on the hunks.

While I like Gilles's chemistry with the Rachel Griffiths, (you know what's coming) I want Gilles and Sally to make it in the pool, have steamy mega-cougar-Boniva-amphibian sex while everyone is asleep. I can see the food fight between Sally and Rachel already. If you're even the slightest bit boy-crazy, B&S is the show to watch again. Merci mille fois, Gilles.

(50 days until TG arrives so will load up on Gilles before then)

Fumes

Dish walked in the door after a weekend of traveling so not much to say. They showed I Hate Valentine's Day AGAIN going East--and on a different airline! I told everyone in my row not to watch because it's the worst movie ever made next to Gigli. On my layover in Houston, I bargained with a young salesboy to sell me The Sweetest Thing for 5$, reasoning it was worth 5$ but not 12$. The boy agreed and that's what I watched instead. The Sweetest Thing is a vulgar chick flick, but I adore that Christina Applegate.

I Hate Valentine's Day

On my flight west, I had the misfortune of watching I Hate Valentine's Day, which is the lame attempt to bring Nia Vardalous and John Corbett together again. It's a stinkfest. The heroine only goes out on five dates in order to keep the romance alive/happy/happy/happy. Dish says: That is so unrealistic. Since when does any girl have a rule book like that? We tend to throw out the rulebooks the second the hand unsnaps the bra. Plus, with John Corbett as my romantic interest, my paw marks would be imbedded in his skin. In any case, misunderstanding ensues but they find their way back to true love. I wanted to give everyone in the movie a big smack.

In better news, Dish made the delicious mistake of watching QVC--a first--and discovering the excellent hosting of Leann Williams. She is a delight.

Dish's Consent

While it breaks my heart in many pieces, I approve of the Jessica Simpson/Gerard Butler flirtation. She’s been through the wringer this year with fat jokes, a big break-up, cursing the Dallas Cowboys, and having her dog get chewed up by a coyote. She might need a little Gerard-love. Or maybe he’s the last thing she needs. I can almost see him giving her the clap and spreading it across Hollywood. Which brings me back to bathing him in Purrell before a makeout session, along with five condoms for any encounter. We need to combat the beer sweat and the VD. Gerald himself is irresistible.

(Would totally still make out with him if TG weren’t around. Can say this because Gerard isn’t anywhere near Dish right now so don’t have dilemma of picking celeb vs True Love. Dare I say it would be a close call?)

Taste

My idea of ultimate sexiness has a wide spectrum. On one side is Gale Harold as Brian Kinney. On the other side is Donald Sutherland walking around my apartment in a Speedo, sipping orange juice. So, don't judge Dish over the following:

Rosie O'Donnell is sexy. She just is. Everyone puts down her looks and her weight but I think she exudes a toughness and confidence that makes her appealing. Some of Rosie's wailing and the beer & bandanna look are not for me. She's aired a lot of dirty laundry, was persecuted at The View, and has not had the same success as when she had her own talk show. But she's painstakingly honest, knock-down funny and I'll always support her (not financially). Rosie has been around a long time and I hope she can reinvent herself again. Rumor has it, she and her gorgeous wife have split. I wish both of them the best of luck in resolving this and moving on with their lives--together or apart.

It's Going to Be All Right

At least my freakouts are predictable. TG is experiencing my travel-phobia since I'm going to New Mexico this weekend (for work). Wouldn't it be tragic if my plane crashed while Dish is on the precipice of True Love? Perfect idea for a movie, though surviving to see TG in 56 days would be a better premise for Lifetime or the Oxygen Network (or Reality Show, hello ding ding). What will you be doing on December 17th at 11:05 pm? Dish will be at JFK, waiting for TG's plane. It's been 26 years. I lit candles at St. Patrick's Cathedral last night (Dish is not even close to Catholic) but adorable Dishcousin informed me that the Dish/TG relationship will be "lovely," according to a renowned psychic. I'm okay now. Neurotic but you'd never notice (except for the pile of cookies and M&Ms in front of me).

But who cares? What's more important? The outrage that is now The Insider, celebrity news show. It's become a panel bitch-fest, a turned-up version of what The View was ten years ago when people talked at the same time and just said mean things. Change the channel. I'll opt for my predictable Steven Seagal in The Glimmerman. May he travel with me and carry my planes.

Dignity, Please?

Kelly Fedora Persimmons--that New York Housewife--illegibly went pantiless to an event and her short skirt blew up and she said whoopsiedaisies. Come on. You're 40. Put some panties on. No one needs to see Old Lady Vadge. Or so I'm told when I go pantiless and park myself over a subway grate.

Another hussy scorned ex, Ali Wise, suppositorily hacked into her former lover's girlfriends' phones and did all sorts of spying. Dish used to do minor spying when *69 was all the rage. I did a few drive-bys and coffee-shop-show-ups but realized staying tied to the ex never brings good news. Plus, now that I've accumulated so many exes, I can't remember to spy on them (or some of their names). I say Ms. Wise needs to lie under the covers with a box of shortbread cookies after burning all remnants of the toxic ex. She's only 30 and has another five years before the "crazy" becomes truly shameful. Call a meeting with the girlfriends and consider Dish one of them. I can at least instruct Ali to stalk Gerard Butler, who just admitted that he's into threesomes. There is much funner fish in the sea!

Ring Details

Adam Lambert has a sexy new spread in Details. In one photo, he's about to French a girl, with tongue featured prominently. Silly, young boy. I don't envy that girl one little bit. Not even a lot.

In star news, Bettheny Frankel is supposedly preggers and engaged--they go well together, especially if you're famous. Why share the monotony of courtship? The media just flashed her engagement ring and I'm not crazy about her 8 carat diamond (bitch!). Since TG mentioned getting me a 2 carat diamond, Dish checked out rings for the first time in Dishstory. You know, just for kicks. In the interest of getting to know my tastes better and not that TG even reads this blog (THANK GOD), but Dish enjoys rose gold and Princess or Emerald-cut diamonds. The rest are uggo.

Off to the gym because it's what we do.

Nature Freaks

Dish viewed Into The Wild, that nature flick starring the delectable Emile Hirsch (loved by every gay boy I know--peen viewing at 1:29 mark). While Dish is not into pooping in the woods, the nature was luscious and I could almost see myself hiking. Almost. Lovely direction by Mr. Sean Penn with a pleasantly languid pace and wild man Eddie Vedder singing throughout. It reminded me of Agnes Varda's Sans Toit, Ni Lois starring the fabulous Sandrine Bonnaire. Moral of the story: When you reject indoor plumbing and McDonald's, you die.

But you do get a movie made about you.

Amelia

It’s now a rule that Hilary Swank has to look like a boy in every movie. The only film where she’s girly is P.S. I Love You, though Gerard Butler brings out the woman in everyone. Amelia is coming out just in time for Oscar season and I can’t bear to see it. I don’t want to sit for two hours wishing I could fix her hair or apply a little more eyeliner and lipstick. Let her rack up those Oscars. We all know I’m way hotter and this is sad. She has such gorgeous features, is talented and loveable. So, why not obey the main credo of the Jack MacFarlane School of Acting: Acting is attracting. Work it, Hilary.

World Gone Mad

Dish is aquiver, suffering mild psychosomatic flulike symptoms after a flu shot. As per tradition, I went running immediately after the unforgivable nurse pricked us. All is well. While inside, I am Bill Murray and laugh at nothing, on the outside, I'm smart enough to laugh at all of The Groom's jokes. Mostly they are funny though I have a healthy supply of duct tape in case he becomes irritating. He says my indulgence has convinced him I'm "the next Mrs. B_____."

Speaking of marriage, and Dishmama will be p*ssed, but I took a sneak peek at The Proposal starring Sandra Bullock (definitely has had work done, in my view) and Ryan Reynolds (definitely belongs at the Ramrod bar around the corner). Not so funny given these talented comedic actors' skills and far too unbelievable. There is one shot of fantastic merging nudity but it lasts about a second. It was a little like The Love Boat and they fell in love within the confines of a three-day cruise. Very efficient, though. Love the similarities to Devil Wears Prada. Women in power are so bitchy and just need to get laid.

My Surrogate Is Writing This...

The idea for Surrogates is fantastic! Would love to send out a perfect robot of myself (who is already perfect), only with fuller hair, less ass-fat and better teeth (Dish opened a beer bottle with front tooth). Dish expected to see the usual bald Bruce then laughed out loud when he appeared with a hairpiece. Since when does Bruce have hair??? It's a little Stepford Wives meets Bladerunner with Bruce exerting himself well beyond what's expected of an OMP. Enjoyed it up to the last ten minutes, which were ridic and phoned in. I recommend if you're looking for utter escape. Oh, and James Cromwell plays a bad guy--AGAIN!

What If...

1. Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck accidentally kissed?
2. We paid a little extra for health care?
3. Dish smoked one eensie weenie filterless cigarette?
4. Lady Gaga ruled the world?
5. Obama repealed the Don't Ask, Don't Tell rule and let gays marry?
6. Cougartown went off the air?
7. Dish didn't go to the gym today?
8. Gerard Butler showed a little more frontal nudity in his movies?

Would any of this be so bad????

Dish is off to see Surrogates, starring the human eraser Bruce Willis. More and more, I get the urge take his head to my manuscripts and rub off my pencil mistakes. Hoping the flick is not a piece of congealed piss one might find in Dishkitty's litterbox.

Warts and All

As TG and I get to know each other again after 26 years, the truth needs to come out. Dish was known in high school as being absolutely batsh*t for Duran Duran--wrote a 50-page term paper, lived, breathed and pretended to be them (fedora on Dish was not a good look). So...nothing's changed. Trying to restrain myself from sending TG my list of favorite Duran Duran songs so I'll give you that pleasure:

Favorite DD song of all time: Girls on Film
To Get in the Mood: Tempted or Late Bar
When I'm pissed: I Don't Want Your Love
DD song that makes me cry: She's Too Much
When mourning a loss: Michael
Latest Song I've Been Obsessed with for the Last Year: The Valley (and I don't understand it. This one puts me on another plane--THE HAPPY PLANE)
Best Dancing: The Reflex (memorized Simon's moves and can bust into them at any moment)
Song That Makes Me Laugh Because It's Kinda Bad: White Lines (I would take a bullet for Simon but this one stunk to high heaven)
Their Best Cover: Come Up and See Me
Ahead of Its Time: Too Much Information

I could go on, but maybe I'll save it for TG. He keeps bringing up how much he loves Britney Spears's Womanizer, which means we may be evenly matched. POP FOREVER!

Like Rachel Zoe, I Die

Dish woke up with a crick in the neck and can't move it to the right. The only thing that would get me to turn quickly is if Julia Roberts walked by me or if someone dropped a briefcase in the courtroom like on that episode of The Brady Bunch. Luckily, after three hours of Skype-ing with The Groom, I am basking in the healing powers of love.

While I would never get it myself (wink wink), Botox really seems like no big deal. The gorgeous Vanessa Williams was touting the joys of Botox on Rachael Ray today. What better endorsement? Vanessa is always feverishly beautiful and doesn't look as if she's had anything done (maybe a little). If I were in front of a camera, I'd get the same treatment. Easy for me to say.

Heavy Douchebaggery

Dish is v. sneaky. Stricken with testosterone poisoning, the Dishbrain isn't functioning properly (66 days until reunion with The Groom after 26 years--will it even happen?). It's 12:47 am (ET) and I just remembered to DISH! After ten months of faithful posting, I made one slip. So I readjusted my blog-time to Pacific Time, therefore, it's before midnight. Let's pretend I'm in Los Angeles. Dish is not in her Chelsea apartment, watching Snapped.

Today, my thoughts are with Erica Wang who was ditched on her wedding day by high profile chef Todd English. How rude, then leaving her with a 12K bill. Whenever I feel I've had it rough in romance, I'll remember this. Not even this close has Dish experienced such love despair.

You know English's excuse will probably be "I'm only human." That seems to be the big thing these days. So much face-offing on TV shows, telling jokes about bad behavior, "setting the record straight," helping the world understand one tiny jackass's true intentions in defiling a staff, leaving eight children and leaving a bride high and dry after promising her the moon. For all the dodos, I will quote Woody Harrelson from his new movie Zombieland, "Nut up or shut up."

It's good advice for us all.

Have Faith!

You must go to this website http://www.atheistchristmas.org/ to hear Simon Le Bon read his essay on being an atheist. It’s intense, he quotes Socrates and you hear his British accent. Dish is seething with lust and admiration for his thinking skills. The poor little schmoopie doesn’t believe in reincarnation so please let him come back as my personal slave in the next life. I would make him sing in a Speedo and do my dusting. Speaking of which...

What's in a Name?

So Jennifer Lopez, aka J.Lo, is pulling a P.Diddy-Puff-Daddy-Diddy name change and has adopted the new moniker "Lola." Dish, too. You may now refer to Dish as P. Titty. It's hip and they are exquisite.

On this lovely Saturday, I watched The Changeling. I tend to agree with J.J.'s take on Clint Eastwood here. He presents a black/white Spielbergesque flick where you must feel only one thing (cue music, get angry here, feel sense of injustice here). Clint is far more gritty and less sentimental, but it's paint-by-numbers film-making. Gran Torino has more layers. Angelina looks like a cartoon character with the red lipstick and she should have been told to put on weight. In any case, the story is spectacular. Dish just wasn't wowed by how it was told.

Dish's Bucket List

I'm lucky in that I've mostly done what I've wanted. But there are a few things that I'd still love to accomplish--the first item being the only one I'd sacrifice limbs for:

1. Tell Duran Duran in person how profoundly they made my life better but I wouldn't go into detail because it bores even me. (I'd need a tranquilizer)
2. Dance all night in a boom-boom club with Brian Kinney.
3. Sure, I'd have an affair with any of the above but since that's not appropriate, I'll just go out for a hot fudge sundae. I keep dreaming of ice cream/hot fudge/whipped cream/nuts but never actually go out and have one. Must do.
4. Spend the day knitting with Julia Roberts and sharing patterns.
5. Shadow Hillary Clinton up to the point where she gets sick of me.
6. Get through Swann's Way (am only on p. 34) because reading Proust will set me apart (as a masochist).
7. Be in the news, but not for a catastrophe (already been done--twice).
8. Hang out with real live elephants.
9. Tap dance like Gene Kelly, as long as the teacher isn't a jerk.
10. Go out drinking with Jane Lynch.

My loved ones already know I love them so I won't include that. I love you, loved ones. There, now that it's on Dish, it's official.

Leave It to America...

...to sh*t on something beautiful. I could mean just the American media but what's the reaction when Obama wins the Nobel Peace Prize? WTF did he win for because he didn't do anything. Are you kidding me? Can't we look at the big picture of the last nine years when W. got into pissing contests all over the globe? Maybe this prize is a symbolic first step that the world appreciates Obama's efforts to rectify some of the damage the U.S. has done. I barely voted for Obama (Hillary 4ever) but even I see he's been bending over backwards and forwards to communicate with everyone. He can't catch a break--try to overhaul health care, he's going to kill old people. Talk with Iran, he's getting us into another war. Go on TV to talk to America, why isn't he working in his office. Take Michelle out for their anniversary, he should be fixing the world. He multi-tasks, ugh, he's being too radical and doing too much. What the hell do people want?

On a lighter note, I just watched 17 Again and am now in love with Zac Affront (Efron). He's a triple threat, most likely gay. Love is blind.

Back To Work!

Dish has a four-day weekend sort of but is determined to work, work, work. Clean out closets (to make room), sweep and dust, not obsess or sit staring dreamily at the walls. Get back to the gym and sit butt in chair to work. Cannot let the brain deteriorate!

But first...I got sidetracked by Drew Barrymore and first Dishgirlcrush ever, Jessica Lange, in Grey Gardens. I'm used to Drew-fare, her youth-of-today affectations and fun spirit. Then she goes and shocks me by ACTING. I've never not loved Drew but now I respect her even more. While only half an hour through, I'm awed by her performance. Aside: Not that this is news, but I'm one step away from having a million cats, skull-cap and empty pizza boxes strewn over my apartment. Those crazy b*tches are hitting below the belt.

Mystery Unlocked of Why Dish Couldn't Date ExBF17

I'm trying to watch French movies again so settled cozily into Bleu -- or as my students used to call it Blaahhh -- with my Godiva Truffles. I was enjoying the heroine's sensuous reexperience of life after death but Juliette Binoche seemed too familiar. Like I'd made out with her. That adorable bulb nose, soft eyes and puppy smile. Ugh... Oh no. No wonder why it didn't work with Mini-Tom. He didn't look like Tom Cruise at all. It had been Juliette Binoche all along for those two strange months. Here I'd gone out with the greats: Donny Osmond, Liev Schreiber, Lex Luthor, Leonardo DiCaprio, John Taylor, and Juliette. I'm feeling so Katy Perry.

Then again, knowledge is power. As I prepare for my next phase of ultimate awareness and maximum happiness, it's best to understand why things didn't work, why things should work, and why I'm *ready* for them to work.

All Is Forgiven

Crime pays.

1. Mel Gibson: Congratulations on having the DUI expunged from your record. Sugar Tits never happened. Now you can devote more energy to equality and supporting the sciences in finding a cure for cancer. With a clear conscience, you can make another movie where men beat each other senseless, eat tapir balls and have an orgasmic time.

2. David Letterman: It really helps soothe the public into forgiveness when you talk over and over about your philandering. We laugh and think how funny and honest you are. Really, thank you for your bravery.

3. Roman Polanski: Oh, the whole drugging and having sex with a thirteen-year-old girl thing. Let's forget about it. Even *she* says forget about it. You have important movies to make, your genius takes precedence, and you're old. I did stupid things, too, thirty years ago.

(Dish is pissed! But happy otherwise...)

Pass Me Some Kleenex

Dish loves her hissies and many were thrown on last night's Brothers & Sisters. TV cancer brings out excellent sh*tfits and I can't get enough of them. Calista got in some cancer crying, as did Sally Field at the end but Sally won the acting contest. Did anyone catch her calcium chew comment? She takes Boniva once a month.

Speaking of medicinal recommendations, Dish is following Dishmama's advice and taking Vitamin D. I'll try anything to get some shut-eye. Something tells me V-D is not as terrific as Ambien. Sigh. Everyone has a problem. At least I'm not lactose intolerant. That would mean giving up cheesecake and that's just not possible.

Other news: Poor Travoltas, poor Kate Gosselin though I don't believe for a second she doesn't have $$$ to pay her bills, still in love with Gaga and Duran Duran. Best of all: The Groom is booking his ticket home (to me). We're both certifiable but you only live once.

GaGa saves SNL...

...but only in the last five minutes. I was appalled at SNL's suckiness last night. I shouldn't be shocked, though I won't join the whiner-bandwagon that SNL hasn't been good since 1975. Get a life! Ryan Reynolds' hosting was exceedingly unremarkable and he's a funny gay, I mean, guy. Couldn't the writers have come up with gut-busting or butt-gusting fare? Sadly, Lorne Michaels hired/fired the wrong people. I enjoyed seeing Madonna with Lady Gaga but that skit was awkward and too unrehearsed. Then, like that last helping hand as you're about to fall off the cliff, Lady Gaga swept onto the stage and sang her balls off.

At this rate, I don't think I can continue to watch SNL and might have to take the same hiatus I took in the late eighties. Mediocrity makes for deadly television.

So, Dish got a webcam so as to communicate with The Groom. I know your next question and, no. I'm not that kind of girl (stop laughing, JJ). First face-to-face visit in twenty-six years. It's like a modern fairy tale (that could end with my crying bitter tears).

She's a Super Freak But We Like Her That Way

Movie Rule #1: If you move to the country with Dakota Fanning, you're f*cked. Watch Hide and Seek (2005) during the day and you won't be scared. In fact, SPOILER ALERT, the twist in this movie is predictable, especially if you're well-versed in M. Night Shamalan Plot Twist 101. I was a little embarrassed the producers let the writer get away with it. And shame on Bobby De Niro for getting involved, though he'll do anything for a buck. The best part was Dakota and her freaky blue-eyed stare. She is so the roughed up girl on SVU who's been touched inappropriately, the orphan who turns into a rabid wolf and claws your babies and eats them, the adorable girl who stabs you in the middle of the night. Dish has developed an admiration for her (to go with fear) because this girl hasn't cracked yet. No virginity talk, no heroin shooting, no doobie smoking, no tripping drunk in front of paparazzi and Dakota hasn't flashed her fanning anywhere. She just acts. Yay, Dakota!

In New Moon, it seems she's turned into a woman overnight and now has jugs. This scares me even more.

OMP Sex Scandal!

Why am I not scandalized or outraged by David Letterman's wayward weiner? Maybe because it's not an attractive image for me--his having sex with "staffers" or anyone else. Celebs seem to be making their sex-nouncements on TV and it's getting tedious. I care for about five minutes, then I forget. Maybe it would be more interesting if he had sex with a kangaroo.

Bigger news: Olympics in Rio, which means Duran Duran's "Rio" will get tons of airplay and more money for the boys and perhaps a DD tour again through the US? We won't mention that Rio isn't even about Rio. I was surprised by the choice since Rio is supposedly riddled with crime...unlike Chicago.

Dish's wedding update: The groom wants a female rabbi with a beard pasted on. I want a Wiccan priestess. We might settle for justice of the peace but the big party was approved. The groom said he'd love to have Duran Duran playing throughout. That's enough on which to base our marriage.

Best Actress!

Dishmama has the hots for Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino and I can see why. He says things like Hallef*ckingluia and D*cksh*t all the way through--sounding a little like Dishstepfather. We loves bad boys in Dishfamily. My favorite performance was by Holly who gave a riveting performance as "Daisy," Clint's golden lab. She smiled while Clint ranted, ambled with him, poised herself appropriately by his bathtub without peeking at his kibbles and bits, (I'm not that virtuous) and then whimpered when he walked away to face the music. Really, Daisy was brilliant!

Speaking of b*tches, hats off to Heidi Montag, who always seems brainless to me but was articulate and held her own as a guest co-host on The View. Gotta give praise when it's due.