Special New Year's Eve

Tonight is a Blue Moon, meaning the 13th full moon of the year, meaning twice in one month. Or if you're standing outside in the cold and you feel like showing your ass to someone you hate, you'll have a Blue Moon. Either way, it's time to celebrate.

Poor beacon of ignorance, addiction and outrageous assertions Rush Limbaugh is in hospital suffering from chest pains. If he were smart, he'd get his Blue Moon on a treadmill. Let's all say a prayer for his recovery (as long as it involves a labotomy). NOT!

In better events, Rosie O'Donnell has a shiny new girlfriend. Dish likes this because the new GF is a redhead. Though one never knows if it's natural. I am glad Rosie's happy and hope she'll show off her accessory at galas. I'm a little tired seeing them waterskiing.

Marriage, Scandal, Rehab, Reinvention, Reality Show

Olivia Newton John's daughter "collapsed" at an event, which barely hits my radar except that Olivia is amazing (am reminded of Kathy Griffin asking her if she got a yeast infection from those tight Grease pants). Btw, Dish had hot pink Olivia pants in eighth grade, stolen from Dishmother's closet. With my fat ass, they looked horrific so I made them into shorts and went as a prostitute (with bulging freckled thighs) for Halloween.

Worst part of the holidays, the Sheens and the Woods are "lying low," which is the antithesis of courageous. Hugh Grant had the good sense to go on Leno and we forgave his covert BJs. America loves a bad boy, which is why Charlie Sheen's 2 and 1/2 Men is killing in the ratings right now. I don't blame America because Charlie is an excellent actor. Wonder what Denise Richards thinks of all this. New reality show: The Ex-Mrs. Sheens. There are so many, including Paula Abdul who used to be Mrs. Emilio Estevez.

FYI--Three times I caught TG reading Dish last night and had to launch myself on him and his computer.

Code Red!

Drawback to cohabitation: TG sometimes uses my computer and has discovered DISH! Though it's uncertain if he reads. He doesn't display symptoms of knowledge so all signs point to NO. Future non-JJ-cheeky comments could be TG--you've been warned.

The most important thing: I'm thoroughly obsessed with Glee. It only took three months. Excessively singy shows grate on the nerves but this one grew on me over three hours (episodes 9-13). Next season can't come soon enough.

TG and I are in the middle of a The Office marathon. Dish is under the weather and so, for once, in two weeks, am doing nothing. I rejoice that Tyra Banks's talk show is going off the air. That and the Sheen divorce fulfill my Schadenfreude needs.

Will They Divorce???

2009 has been all about divorce and death. Two marriages are on the line: Tiger and Elin, now Charlie and Brooke. Rumor has it, the wife wants out but Charlie's camp maintains they are working things out. What do you think? Do you care?

Me either. Still reeling from Sarandon/Robbins breakup, though.

I'm So There

Dish *HATES* flying with children. On planes, they think the world revolves around them. 35K up in the air is the only time I feel Gameboys, duct tape, corks and pacifiers are most useful. Ivana Trump was escorted off her plane for cursing out children and calling them "little f*ckers." While this shows a flagrant lack of manners and that she is, in fact, no lady, I can sympathize.

Dish is watching My Life in Ruins, a waste of electricity. Nia has done three super-crappy movies in a row. She needs to mix it up and do an ensemble drama. With Julia, I suggest the opposite--romantic comedies, less witty serious stuff because Dish doesn't care! Julia + Nancy Myers = Instant Hit.

Hannah

TG and I were slugs today--talked about going to see It's Complicated or A Single Man and wound up seeing Hannah and Her Sisters (reached consensus on how ugly Michael Caine is--but did not admit I find him sexy). I didn't get caught up on gossip and figure I'm still honeymooning. Did read that perhaps Charlie Sheen's wife might have a drinking problem and caused his jailing. They belong together! I want more mugshots. Thank god small children are involved.

A Christmas Miracle

Charlie Sheen proved to me that Santa Claus still exists. After partaking in Heidi Fleiss's escort services, a tumultuous marriage and various addictions, Charlie settled down once and for all, had two more kids with his new wife--the waves had stopped rocking the boat. But, thank god, he was just arrested today for domestic violence. I'd thought Charlie the Bad Boy had died. He's back and naughtier than ever! Poor Charlie. The holidays stress Dish out too and who could blame me for smacking someone I love? Really, Charlie should be celebrated for holding out this long. Merry mugshot, sh*tbag.

(but I do love him as an actor)

It's Complicated

I can't wait to see the above movie. The idea of Meryl Streep as the hot tootsie gives me goosebumps. Add to that, she gets to sleep with men her age, if not younger. It's true that relationships are complicated. As I write this, TG is shaking the walls with his snoring. One of the first things he asked me, "Do you snore? Because I really can't stand that." He makes up for the epic cacophony by accompanying me to the deli for brown sugar and preparing a feast for me yet again.

Merry Almost Christmas, Dish Readers.

The Sixth Sign of the Apocalypse

Nuke Lalooche and Dammit Janet are no more. It's funny, I saw them on separate occasions within a few weeks of each other. Maybe I did get a single vibe from them since they illegibly broke up over the summer. It's the end of an era, and she is the original cougar of the 1985-2009 age. I'm interested to see whom they date next but I'll lose respect for Robbins if he goes out with a young tootsie. He's had the best. I'm not sure what to think about anything anymore. They were my touchstone, my lighthouse, my tiramisu during my female times. I'm holding onto the walls for support.

Happy Holidays

Dish enjoys her entertainment news but lately the stomach is turning over nauseating male hosts. And they keep changing. Mario Lopez can stay on Extra since he's done serious time in the biz (and we like seeing him shirtless). Really, I don't hate men but I prefer Mary Hart, Lara Spencer and Nancy O'Dell as my star-news-delivery system. After 13 years, Nancy is leaving and it's rumored she can't stand Billy Bush (hee hee) anymore. The Insider's Chris Jacobs's style is too slick and affected, as if he's hanging on his every word. I won't deny he's cute as a button and maybe someone will coach him. I feel the same regurgitation urges with Billy Bush (hee hee) and am surprised he's survived this long. I won't start on Ryan Seacrest. Bottom line: I find myself turning to CNN, which is sad.

Update: TG is out with TGbrother and I'm covertly eating junk food. TG is into healthy eating and exercise. What's up with that?

Cheri = Ambien

While TG went uptown to schmooze, Dish watched Cheri, that flick starring Michelle Pfeiffer, Rupert Friend (who's banging Keira Knightley), and the incomparable Kathy Bates. Talk about a snoozefest, I nearly fell asleep in my latte. I always like the idea of Michelle Pfeiffer but didn't buy her as a French whore. Kathy Bates is another story as she can do anything. Why does Kathy take on stinky movies like this? The love between Rupert and Michelle was so dreary and sad-cougarish, I thank my lucky stars I wasn't a prostitute in early 20th century France. Unless you enjoy falling asleep to unromantic movies with bad acting, skip this one.

In celeb news: that talented Carrie Underwood--who seems to have always had love troubles--got engaged to a hockey player. I give it two years. To sing country, you must know heartache. And to marry a sportsfigure, you must be brain damaged.

Stop the Madness!

I guess it was too good to be true that celebs would stop dying, but Brittany Murphy? We loved her as the fat, gawky girl in Clueless and then as the beaten-down girlfriend in Sin City. She'd been fired recently from a movie under fishy circumstances (with an even fishier husband) and now her mother finds her dead in the shower in full cardiac arrest at age 32? I wonder if drugs were involved....

Blessings on her coming and going.

TG is making Dish dinner.

A Break

TG is doing is crunches on the new exercise mat we bought so I have a little time to tell you about my Duran Duran dream from last night. I was invited to a party because Duran Duran wanted to say they appreciated the cartoon drawings I did of them twenty years ago. Of course, the party was crowded. One of the guests, a Duran assistant, said they'd laughed until they cried at my drawings and the band had always wanted to thank me. How nice. As I walked around, I saw Roger Taylor but he was surrounded.

How's that for wish fulfillment dream? I did a 50-page term paper on them but no drawings. Who am I kidding? Of course, I drew pictures of them.

Dish is in BLISSLAND!

Home Stretch!

Four more hours. At 9:30, Dishbrother is taking time out of his opening doors for stars at Starbucks by taking me to JFK. Dishmama and I just had a mani/pedi. Thanks, Dishfamily and Dishfriends for your support! While beautifying, I'm watching The Lake House (thanks, Nici!). Here, a depressed and potentially Botoxed Sandra Bullock falls for a depressed blue-collar Keanu Reeves (he looks amazing in work boots). What keeps them apart? Time. They write long meaningful letters--no Skype in time warp--and get through the long two-year wait to merge souls. At the end, they run at each other and make out in a yellow field of dead grass. It's so close to what I'm going through I could die.

Well, anything starring Keanu and Sandy is fun for Dish.

Happy Belated Birthday To Jon Tenney!

With my romantic drama unfolding, I forgot to wish Jon Tenney a Happy Late Forties Birthday--it was yesterday. He's so close to 50, it's hard for me even to mention this fact, BUT I WILL! Jon Tenney is closer to 50 than Dishbrother. Dish wishes Jon a healthy and happy year of Almost Fifty with many years of career success, which benefits everyone. (secretly wish we get to see real bed scene between him and Sally Field)

En Route

According to Flighttracker, TG is flying from the land of Lederhosen to the home of Duran Duran. He is 1/2 hour in the air. Last night, we had our last Skype session--a little sad but exciting. "See you in the flesh," he said.

Dish is surprisingly calm, wearing a sportscoat, straightened hair, eating properly. No wheezing yet.

Comfort Television

TG and I are both flipping out and breathing into paper bags. I got three Netflix DVDs:

Star Trek, Cheri (Michelle Pfeiffer and Kathy Bates play French whores) and The Love Boat: Season 2.

Guess which one TG considers his comfort TV? We are two hearts beating as one (aside: conjoined twins freak me out). Yes, in 25 hours, I will be headed to JFK. Will we be over our hissy fits by then? Sorry, Dish readers, but the gossip seems so meaningless right now. I am the star of my own movie today and tomorrow.

48 Hours--Not the Movie

On Thursday, Dish will be sitting on a bench in JFK waiting for TG to get through customs with all his possessions. Apartment is ready. Nerves under control. Work done ahead of time. I'm properly beautified to face the greatest love story of our time.

I'm ready to continue in person what has been an old-fashioned courtship. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't sh*tting bricks. I'm so excited and happy. Wish Dish luck.

(If it's a disaster, Morgan Freeman in Nurse Betty would tell me to "Forget the guys. You've got yourself.")

Let's Hope He's Not As Big An Asswipe as Russell

Red Alert: James Cameron has a new superhyped movie with even bigger special effects. I haven't heard as much about Avatar. It could be huge. Times have changed and it might flop, making Cameron spew hot lava from the Kingdom of Superior Mortals. We've seen tons of special effects to the point where movies have lost heart. The popularity of Titanic came from the forbidden love story and the tragedy of the sinking ship. Can he top that?

Cameron is a successful risk-taker and he banks a lot on symbolic no-name Sam Worthington, who is the new Russell Crowe. Yeah, I liked Russell at first. He seemed nice until he went to the Golden Globes with Jodie Foster and they pretended to flirt (as if!). He became super-famous, defiant, sweaty and just plain dicky. I thought Russell should have won for The Insider because it's been downhill ever since with the SAME performance. Let's hope Avatar is just the beginning for Sam's rise to the A-List with no throwing telephones at underlings, or singing in a band. You can leave the singing to fabulous fellow Aussie Hugh Jackman.

When Did This Happen?

Illegibly: A-Rod and Kate Hudson broke up. I thought they were going to be 2gether 4ever! Just when she helped him win the World Series, the media asserts she wanted to "fast-track" their relationship and nail down this philandering catch. As if she doesn't have her own excellent career. Perfect timing: she and her abs are photographed. When I try to live a private life, I bare my midriff, too! Can't wait to see her in Nine as I do enjoy my Kate. Even more now that she'd Rodless.

Watch Now!

Beau Bridges in drag on The Closer!!! A+!

I'm Willing to Give The Tramp a Chance

It's a brilliant way to turn lemons into lemonade: Make Ashley Dupre into an advice columnist for the Post. Wouldn't you want relationship advice from someone who's been there and gotten paid for it? I read her first column and she's no dummy. Evident are the fierce street smarts acquired when you spend a lot of time on your back. I wish I had her knowledge even five years ago. She's known a world (beyond NJ) most of us would want to visit for a day. Well, maybe not but I support her making money in new ways.

Heidi, Why Do You Scare Me So?

Dish has a big reveal: Heidi Klum scares the bejebus out of us. Maybe it's the stony black stare, the rampant baby-making and fitting into underwear a month after childbirth, the runaway smash hit Project Runway, the placid chair-sitting, the talk of eating regular foods and her chilling "auf wiedersehn." Even her ex-dog (who lives next to me and pees on my doorstep) gives me the willies. Look closely into her eyes and try not to imagine her stabbing you in your sleep. If you peel back her skin, you'll find reptilian scales.

Interrupting Cow

David Gregory, will you stop interrupting your female guests? Today he kept talking over Dr. Christina Romer and the Governor of Michigan but wouldn't dare stop Alan Greenspan in his tracks. I've noticed this Interrupting Cow Syndrome from Day #1. I switch to CNN but inevitably return because I like the idea of Meet The Press and thrive on the guests themselves. Would rather John King, George Stephanopolous or someone less egotistical host. DG, I'm sorry if your mother was mean to you, your high school girlfriend was smarter, your French teacher wouldn't boink you, your wife is more productive and dazzling--LET THEM SPEAK!

(I hate that he's younger than Dish. But I LOOK younger)

Grant Show Appreciation Day

Grant Show (the best name in Hollywood) often plays Mr. Beefcake, and Dish celebrates his consistent work as a stud these last thirty years. He was the boyfriend on Ryan's Hope, the hunk who opened the fridge on Melrose Place, the hunk who knocked up Gail O'Grady in that Lifetime movie, and in Swingtown, he sexes up the 70s.

So, in the week when everything should fall into place as the lord, Jesus and Harry Hanukkah ordained, Dishcat has decided to blow a gasket. His claw is growing into the pad of his paw! Say that 10 times fast--along with the F word.

Cleaning Like a Freaking Madwoman

Command decision: No cleaning behind the fridge for TG's arrival, not until things get serious. I said I wouldn't get a menorah either until it became more obvious things would work out--but Dish might surprise him. 5 days until cohabitation.

In gossip: Tiger is taking time off from golf (I predict 2 minutes of retirement) and Jenny Sanford filed for divorce. It's refreshing to have a wife ditch a cheating husband. Though I love my Hillary, there have been far too many high-profile women enduring public humiliation and sticking by their feeble partners. I'm not in their shoes and it takes special strength to give someone a chance after that. I dunno, though, the 13 mistresses and unprotected sex are a deal-breaker for Dish.

Go, Jenny Sanford. It will only get better from here.

Swinging!

With all the cheating and fornicating in the media, Dish is rewatching Swingtown. The Daily News reports that Tiger's wife may stay with him for the children. Because children can't read and they certainly won't lose respect for their mother for putting up with such an a-hole. I smell Tiger's spin in motion.

The fifth sign of the apocalypse: Gary Busey is reproducing.

7 days until TG arrives for our happily ever after. I got a nervous attack two days ago and his began today. If he goes bananas, Dish has the celebrities to keep her warm this holiday season.

Make Mine a Double

It gladdens my heart when I hear about Julia. Last night, my imaginary best friend got SMASHED on vodka tonics before doing some charades benefit for LAByrinth--or whatever. When you get right down to it, Julia isn't afraid to make an adorable ass of herself. So now, I'm going to drink vodka tonics. I haven't been smashed in years (weeks).

The Ho List for Tiger Woods mounts. How does he have time to golf AND amass a pile of indiscrete mistresses? There are so many I might come forward and make stuff up.

Dish viewed 1/2 of Bruno last night. I get it but the movie made me tired. Sascha Baron Cohen is wildly intelligent and daring. Not sure why I couldn't latch onto this one.

They're Real and They're a Year Older

While I want to scratch their eyes out, I must pay my respects:

Teri Hatcher had another birthday today. She's ruined my life but I have to be happy for her since she allowed to eat cake and is another year older.

Worst news: The woman whose career I wanted, Uma Thurman, just split from her money-bags fiance. Maybe she'll make a great movie now. Dishbrother once told me I looked like her (shut your piehole, J.J.) at the very beginning of The Avengers. The only thing I wouldn't want is to be married to Ethan Hawke. I hate that he's considered literary. My butt is literary. I will produce some literature right after I'm done with this chili.

OMP Off the Market

Whip out the Kleenex, Mickey Rourke might be engraved to marry! He is a great actor so he should have a wedding ring and an Oscar three times over. I love him, his damn purse dogs and freaky face. Only Mickey could steal the spotlight from Enrique Iglesias in his own video. While this marriage looks like a train-wreck, I wish Mickey love however he finds it (in exotic brothel).

(Dish is selectively forgetting his being accused of battery in last marriage--we all make mistakes)

Dish Press Conference

Everyone has been wondering and I'm here to say: Dish is not Tiger Woods's mistress. I don't like child prodigies and golf is too boring. If you're going to start rumors about me, put me with a sportstar under 25. Maybe one who plays tennis and hails from Mallorca.

Then I could be a Desperate Housewife. Good segue. Spoiler alert: Not sure what happened last night. My favorite part was when the gay housewife got to be in the choir. For the love of Jebus, why did Felicity endanger one of her twins by rescuing Eva's unsightly child? I'm rewatching last night's B&S to see if I might care about Justin and Pointy-Pretty-Pregs getting married. All I know is Callista's going to chew serious scenery (Emmy nom?) since her cancer spread. I predict some fabulous vomiting scenes, dark circles under eyes, bucket list trips which could mean special Republican guest star, declarations of love, excellent wigs and scarves. Now I don't have to watch the rest of the season--except to see if Jon and Sally do it standing up. She just needs to stand on some telephone books.

Back to eating chili and counting the days. 10.

Congratulations, Sandra!

She beat out the vampires. Love the story of a 45-year-old actress besting those twinkies. Though Dish will go see the twinkies, too. Sandra is the feel-good sleeper hit story of the year! Everyone should go see The Blind Side.

(ps. Sandra, can I work for your production company? I will sharpen pencils)

What's Really Important

Dishbrother and I discussed tonight's Desperate Housewives. Tonight, a plane is flying into a house. It's not a big plane, which is disappointing--just one of those lame 2-seaters you throw at a cafeteria aide's ass (Dish threw spitballs). Someone is going to die. Dishbrother and I want Mike the Plumber to die. We hate that Susan and Catherine are fighting over this snoresville borderline OMP. Sadly, there's no one on the show we'd sleep with--especially now that Gale Harold is gone. I might do a sauna with Catherine but her character is a little too psycho--a direction I don't like. Catherine was the slicker, cuter, less botoxed-Bree. Now she's Fatal Attraction (bipolar?) and menopausal. Maybe she'll kill Susan, sweet justice for Teri Hatcher ruining my life twice (1. marrying Jon Tenney in the 90s 2. making-out with Gale Harold last season until he was saved by a near-fatal motorcycle crash).

A nice thing: TG's young nieces are into DH but they're too young to dissect the intricacies of the show.

Don't Die--Just Stay Under Covers for Three Months!

Dish was saddened by Alexa Ray Joel's alleged suicide attempt via pills. I would have sipped Drano over Daddy marrying someone my age, and Alexa was a rock through that craziness. She was supportive as her mother cast aside her philandering fourth husband and spent months in the tabloids. It's so wasteful to attempt suicide at 20-something. Emotions runs high, but you're so pretty then. It's better to off yourself when you're 80 and sucking peas through a straw. 60 years is a long time to be depressed but it's more dignified than overdosing--which everyone is doing these days. Another solution to depression: Get really fat but stay indoors where no one will see you. Cool Whip doesn't taste as good after the third bowl. Smoking can help, along with hours of TV Land. Within a few months, life will shift, you'll get meds or find a treadmill. This is far better than dying.

Dish prays Alexa sees how gorgeous and talented she is.

FORGIVEN!!!!

Dishfriendsincehighschool just said, "You do remind me of Julia. I didn't realize you liked her because I think you ARE her so I got confused."

OMG!

Dishfriendsincehighschool asked, "Do you like Julia Roberts?"

Um...does she even know Dish? Julia is my best friend.

(sounds of Dishfriendsincehighschool begging for forgiveness--hee hee--can milk this for years)

So Glad Am Not Assoc Producer

Rain and snow in NYC. Dishfriendsincehighschool and I went to the Crap Fair in Union Square. As we turned the corner on 18th and Broadway, sad film techies ordered us to sheath our umbrellas because Matt Damon was shooting a scene. They yelled as if the sky were falling, the IRS had struck, Tom Cruise's asking price fell, they drove over their iPhone (hahaha Dishbrother!). Dishfriend whipped out her camera and got all excited, but Dish knows the truth about shooting films. THEY TAKE FOREVER. NOTHING REALLY HAPPENS. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE DISCOVERED.

So we watched Tropic Thunder. Am pondering the happiness Sandra Bullock must feel. 45, two hit movies, potential Oscar nom. This is what happens when she's not in a movie with Keanu. Though Dish loves Keanu.

(TG's family said I was their fave of all TG's exes--though TG says this is no great feat. Sending real Thank You card, which will earn delicious brownie points. I just hope they thought I was skinny.)

Code Orange!

Today's News: Not only are the biggest babe-skanks making headlines, but Dish UNEXPECTEDLY is meeting TG's family tonight--without having seen TG yet! Shocker of all shockers! I'm graced with the ability to befriend strangers easily so not nervous. I'll just pop a Xanax and drink two bloody marys beforehand. JK!*

Imagine that shining moment when Tiger Woods met his wife's family. Good vibes passed between all, with the promise of shared love. Now that's shot to hell with a bunch of bikini clad money-grubbers threatening tell-alls and press conferences on secret liaisons. Here's a tip: Don't get involved with married sports figures! Nothing good comes from this, not even a house on a finger. It's so tawdry.

Wonder if I should wear ripped fishnets and Daisy Dukes to meet the family. JK!

*Just kidding

Changes Dish Likes

Great news: Our favorite bite-size candy George Stephanopoulos might join Good Morning America when Diane Sawyer moves to her evening slot. While I love my little lamb-kebab, I'm still angry at GMA for cancelling on Adam Lambert a 2nd and 3rd time! Luckily, Adam is being exceedingly gracious about having homophobes kick him in the groins. Years ago, I had to suffer through that fat guy on NYPD Blue showing his ass and I'm still not over it. So why ban a boy-on-boy kiss? Enough stewing: I hope George and Robin make a lively pair.

Serious: In exactly 14 days, right at this moment, Dish will trek to JFK to pick up TG. It's been four months of delicious torment with him in Switzerland and me in NYC. I had a memorable but seemingly unremarkable moment with someone who found me 26 years later. I haven't been swept away like this in about 15 years and I truly believed I was "over" relationships. My gratitude overwhelms me that such a special person came back into my life--for however long it lasts. I only say this last part because he's not so into celebrities. Tough bananas for him!

Meredith Baxter Lesbian!

There have been items about Meredith Baxter on a lesbian cruise and photos of her and her girlfriend. It was only a matter of time. Our favorite TV mom and star of salacious Lifetime movies just came out of the closet on The Today Show and Dish got a little choked up. She was articulate, vulnerable and courageous. The more people are truthful about themselves, the better off we all are. I wish I could be part of The Family but I'm not! This doesn't mean I can't scream from the rooftops that everyone should be able to get married and adopt. Even though it's no one's business and who cares, maybe other narrow-minded people who've always loved her will still love her and finally open their eyes. Maybe there will come a point where no one will feel the need to come out. It won't be a big deal. (like in Europe)

If LMN doesn't strategically air her excellent movies (especially the one where she plays the cheated-on wife who then shoots her husband) this weekend, I'll eat my own hair!

Dishbrother Star Sighting!

Starbucks, 93rd and Broadway, where DB spends the bulk of his time opening the door for stars. At 9:40 am DB held the door open for strapping actor Liev Schreiber, who rushed out with his joe. When asked about Schreiber's facial expression, DB responded that Liev looked as if he were thinking: Okay, gotta go. It's going to be an exciting day. There you have it. No eye contact was made. I wondered how DB felt about seeing Liev and he said, "He's no Chris Noth."

Dish wouldn't mind colliding with Liev and Chris at Starbucks.