Steven Seagal Still Follows Dish

FYI it's very hard to post from an iPad but mucho convenient. Sorry for the no pics. I'll make up for it on Saturday when we return. But seriously, way back in 2006 I must have posted about how Steven Seagal "appears" whenever I travel. He did not let me down. Spotted him in today's NYT and his hands/feet outside of Grauman's Chinese Theater. Today we did some touristy things and I got to give Morgan Freeman the finger at Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum. So satisfying.

What is unsatisfying: Cuba Gooding Jr is wanted for shoving a female bartender. It's the Oscar curse. This is why I do a sh&tty job so as not to win awards. Oh wait, I sort of did, so I expect life will go downhill immediately. Cuba, there's no excuse for violence, especially in New Orleans, the funnest town on Earth, except the heat drives you mad in July.

NBC Today ratings continue to decline, bahahahahahaha, chortles Ann Curry and Katie Couric.

16 Years without a Wedding Means...

...He's just not that into you but I do allow for special circumstances. For instance, if TG and I were just together forever without a ring, I would have been okay. I adore him, I trust him, he cracks me up. It shocks me that we got married. I know many couples that transcend this He's Just Not That Into You thing. BUTTTT... After two kids, a popular reality show where much face was sucked only to get engaged to "on off" girlfriend of over 16 years, I thought, WTF, Bret Michaels? Many of my middle-aged friends were secretly crushed. Pre-TG, I had wanted to submit myself onto Rock of Love so that I could be the freak who can't stomach kissing him or stripping while ironing his t-shirts. He would pick me, the icy librarian girl, and I'd get my own show because I am that delusional. The stringy fake hair and unwashed look does nothing for me, though. I would last ten minutes on a tour bus. Dishfriend partied with Bret several times way back when and says he's super nice. But not the marrying kind since word came that his long relaysh with Kristi Gibson is at an end. Please let this begin a new skank-fest show.

TG is not speaking to me because I'm watching Bachelor Pad and our room is small. Earplugs. One more person in here and we'd have a Sartre play.

Where Did I Go?

Can I help that my daytime schedule sucked the energy from my limbs? I thought about the stars but could not research, opine or obsess as usual. Dishreaders, that lapse ends today. While I remain in Los Angeles, somewhere in the Santa Monica area in a super-sh*tty hotel, I am free as a bird and ready to root out the dirt.

Today, I'm dealing with the shock wave that Dr. Paul Nassir and Adrienne Maloof are separating. My heart breaks. They fought constantly on RHoBH but seemed to have this shorthand. I fantasized that their chilliness masked a smoldering connection behind closed doors. Maybe they are so rich, so taut-skinned that they don't need to struggle, which can be the struggle. Sad.

Still not reeling over the Kristen Stewart cheating scandal. Still believe it was a staged breakup. If it wasn't, ain't youth grand? Time to bring on the new big couple from a 50 Shades of Grey movie.

The Jacksons continue to be an absolute mess.

In personal news, TG is sore from his first surfing lesson. He's having fun berating me over my poor hotel choice.

Hurray for Anaheim!!!

Dish got out before the storms though turbulence not fun! Woman next to me drank two sodas and didn't have to whizzz once. Landed in sunshine. ha dsplitting headache but did my duties and perked up. Did discuss with friend the latest Kristen Stewart scandal which I find a little fishy, as in staged. Robert Pattinson has moved out, which seems a perfect exit. I don't buy this one bit. And whocares? They are so freaking young!

The other news has to dowith the Jackson family. I'm so sick of them. All of them.

Mitt Romney said something stupid. Duran Duran is singing for the games on Friday!

Chad Everett, Gone But Never Forgotten

WTF, celebrities in their sixties and seventies? It's really hard for us when you leave this world. Rest in peace, Chad Everett who was fifty shades of "hunkalicious", worked tirelessly in classic TV and movies: most recently in the remake of Psycho and Mulholland Drive. Dish enjoyed him in Love Boat and Murder She Wrote. His CV is miles long.

I'm about to leave for Southern California for Daytime Dish Duties, but TG is storming the castle and forcing some sunning, surfing and relaxing. I will post but it might be a little rushed.

Gossip: The Jacksons are all screwed up again--money, custody, is the mother really competent, interventions, smacking on the face. It's like a long tired seventy-year run of Dynasty.

The pics of Christian Bale visiting shooting victims in CO made me teary. Can you imagine BATMAN HIMSELF visiting you? That would put anyone on the path to healing.

Tuesday Confessions

1. After seeing Jef(f), Emily's choice, on Jimmy Kimmel, I sort of see why she chose him. He's pretty chill and obviously adores me--I mean her, oops Freudian--and will do EVERYTHING she says. Sort of like TG. JK! Not.
2. Today's scandal: Kristin Stewart allegedly cheated on Edward with her married director of Snow White? Really? Dish always thought she was in a fake hetero-relaysh with Pattinson to hide her real seshuality.
3. I've invented a new disorder for super-fans such as myself: Acquired Situational Attachment to Acquired Situational Narcissists Disorder. Self-explanatory. I love stars!!!

Sally Ride Dies, George Jefferson Moves on Up

Sally Ride may have lost her fight with pancreatic cancer but she came, saw and conquered her spot in history as one brave broad. Dish can barely get on a plane much less envision a physical trip into space. SR is the first American woman to venture into Kirk territory, paving a path of excellence. In her honor, I'm going to do something brave and not complain one bit about flying to California. Starting now.

I can't even speak about George Jefferson's demise without tears. Sherman Helmsley went up to that dee-luxe apartment in the sky and I love everything he did for my childhood television experience. Dish can do his walk without even trying! I hope he and Weezie are pecking on the lips in heaven.

There is talk of refreshing the cast of RHoOC. Not that kind of refresh. My goodness, there is ample pulling, nipping and tucking to those faces. No, the rumor is that they might yank Vicki and Alexis, which I see as a colossal mistake. Don't give me new OC housewives. The revamped NYC cast is so not working even though I like them personally. Bring back Jill.

Mariah Carey has signed on for American Idol. I just don't get what the big deal is. I know it's Mariah, but the vibrato may kill this Dish. No watchies for me.

Let's all appreciate another shot of Julia Roberts looking normal, i.e. fabulous, in a bikini. California is about to get an eyeful of Dish in like manner. I am also 44.

The Bachelorette: Spoiler

Up to the last minute, 10:03pm, I waited for Emily to change her mind and choose Arie. His face may be sweaty, have less-than-clear skin (been there), he may not have the steadiest job, but he's way cuter and the chemistry! Emily didn't listen to my psychic pleadings. Despite this, my subconscious remains a placid lake of acceptance. I did, after all, invent a new drinking game: Every time Jef and Em say "like", take a shot. It makes the badness I don't really drink go away. I will erase all knowledge that I've wasted the last two months by watching tonight's Bachelor Pad. Many of the uggos from this season are on. Plus, three words: Blakely's Massive Chompers.