The Lessons I Learned from Avatar

*The military and the corporate world are uniformly bad.
*You shouldn't judge tribal blue people with cornrows who wear feather headresses and loincloths. They are unique and purely from the director's imagination.
*James Cameron is so brilliant to smush 9/11, the Iraq war, the plight of Native Americans, slavery, Afghanistan (floating mountains we can't navigate--oooh!), the Israeli/Palestinian conflict into one symbolic broohaha. Everyone can relate!
*If you rape a bird, it will take you where you want to go
*No training = immediate employment, especially if you have connections
*If you throw yourself on the biggest red bird, people will accept you--which is much like having a nice car in California.
*On Pandora, everyone is long, lean, and blue (and plays basketball, but you should expect this of tall blue people). Stop obesity now!
*When jellyfish land on your arms, you are Jesus.
*(Peekaboo) "I see you" = "You complete me"
*Ewah = Yahweh
*Sam Worthington = pretty good as a leading boy/man and mostly rose above the bad dialogue he was given
*Sigourney Weaver, Priceless

Even though Dish found this a mind-numbing snoozefest and insulting to the intelligence, James Cameron writes fabulous female characters and presents some sparkly neon images one might appreciate more if one were wasted (which one wasn't last night).

For Shame, People Magazine

In your Greg Louganis story on p. 102, there is a typo: "In the meantime Louganis is happiest whippng up Greek dish at home..." Fix this and know that Louganis is always fixing SEXY Greek dishes at home.

Here's the Problem

We're going backwards and it's not a pretty sight. Claire Danes always runs the risk of uglifying herself, and she is a pretty, pretty girl (homewrecker). In Temple Grandin, she plays the renowned animal expert who has made lemonade of her autism. I can anticipate my future hate-emails but this reminds me of the moment in Tropic Thunder when Robert Downey Jr. told Ben Stiller that Simple Jack failed because he went "full retard." Does Claire do the same? It *is* all about the awards and how "out there" you pretend to be. Because acting is "attracting," I have a hard time believing Claire will win awards for this. The hair is a little Amelia-esque; Claire needs to watch she doesn't go Swank on her looks. I, for one, am sick of Hollywood's awe of niche roles like this, how they blow the characters' experiences into simple sentimental doody that doesn't begin to capture the real story. It's not enough to be an average Dish (except I have double-jointed thumbs). Of course, I haven't seen it and I mean no offense whatsoever to Dr. Grandin. I base this on how much the movie poster made me yak into the toilet.

Smurfy!

The reasons why I don't want to see Avatar:

Bad James Cameron dialogue.
Those blue people scare me, like talking animals and conjoined twins.
I don't want to learn a new blue-people language.
I've seen enough James Cameron movies.
Special effects slow the pacing.
It's a million hours long and my ass can't take it.
He's King of the World again; I want him to fail ONCE.

Why I will go:

Because everyone's seeing it and I'm in eighth grade.
If I'm at a celebrity cocktail party, I have to say I thought Avatar was "great."
Sigourney Weaver is a good reason to plop down 12$.
James Cameron's wife (the one he boinked while with Linda Hamilton), Suzy Amis, is a redhead and is pretty, natural-looking.
TG wants to see it and I've made him watch a lot of crap.
I want to know what those Smurfs do with their tails.

Oops!

Dish forgot (maybe should go to Grammy's): J.D. Salinger died and I'd like to thank him for making 9th Grade English a special treat. I reread The Catcher in the Rye two more times. Did you know that Mel Gibson's character in Conspiracy Theory feels compelled to buy copies of this book? J.D.S. was 91, which ain't bad.

Blessings on his coming and going.

Putting On Airs

TG and I thought Obama's State of the Union speech started out slow and trite, but gained momentum. Because TG makes cynical comments, it caught me off guard to hear him say, "Good for you," at our President. (I still vote for Hillary in my heart)

As successful as this speech was to us, I'm afraid the most noteworthy news of the day is that Jessica Simpson allegedly farted in a business meeting. I hate meetings, too. For my own sanity, I try to imagine celebs shooting cannon fire but it can be difficult. I'm sure Meryl Streep has never farted. If she did, it would go unnoticed. I have the feeling Matthew McConaughey lets loose a spate of dynamite as he's playing his bongos, asphyxiating all of Austin, Texas.

Speaking of gas, the Grammy's are this weekend. I adore music but these melodic functions put the dumbest people in the universe into one room.

Les Francais News!

Finallement, Elizabeth Edwards dump le John parce qu'il a mis son peen dans un autre femme qui wear le headband dans son frizzy blond cheveux. La blonde a donnay le birth a son love-child, qui veut dire que le political career de John est dans le merde-maison pour toujours. Peut-etre, il ferra un peu de good pour un change since he joindre John Travolta en Haiti.

Dish vient de regarder le film (500) Days of Summer. C'est about le heartbreak de Joseph Gordon Levitt qui etait dumped par le prostituee-commitment-peur Zooey DesChanel (qui resemble Katy Perry et Dish les mix up tout le temps!). Beaucoup de relationship-intensity et adorables exchanges. Rente immediatement!

Fais attention: State of the Union est ce soir. Apple a announcay le new iPad. Dish can't wait pour le iTampon.

Dish Gets Political

Chachi/Has-been Scott Baio recently bashed Michelle Obama by wondering how the President could wake up next to her every morning. Chachi is a genius because he's unknowingly generated a massive metaphor for the Obama Presidency. Why would anyone want to wake up with the state of our country every morning? Poor Scott has to wake up with himself every morning, his day in the spotlight not even a speck in our rearview mirrors. I pronounce him an OMP before his time. Fonzie 4 ever!

Rumors are circulating that John Edwards has a sex tape, this just as his right-hand man's tell-all book drops into the hands we'll need to Purrell right after reading. So much talk of hands, liquids, forbidden sex. At least John Travolta is giving a helping hand by flying his non-green gas-guzzling plane to aid those in Haiti. Good for him. It keeps him from his strange action movies where his hair looks painted on. I care about this.

(ps--Michelle is quite attractive)

Angelina's Posse Dries Up

I'm not sure what to believe anymore. Brangelina has given so many tabloid flunkies jobs and elevated Perez Hilton into a superstar. Rumors abound they are separating, with lawyers orchestrating a clean breakup. As a long-time member of Team Aniston, I've waited for this day. Ange is too out there to stick with a pothead pretty boy who is only brilliant in 1 out of 5 movies (the same goes for her). Brad is too Robert Redford, too Tension Tamer compared to Angelina's Wild Turkey droplets cascading down on her breasts. At least with Jen, you could fantasize about their blond hairs meshing and the long, healthy stoner walks they must have taken on the beach, smiling dogs following because they love Brad and Jen. It seems irresponsible for Brangelina to come together in such a fury, amass children, stir up Hollywood, New Orleans, only to split up like everyone else.

I guess another split doesn't matter. It's all about the craft.

Sunday Sports!

Dish is grabbing her wifebeater, case of beer and Cheetos, and high-tailing it over to Dishmama's EMPTY apartment to watch sports from 4pm-bedtime. It will be torture and pleasure as I'm not sure how long I can stand to be away from TG but he needs to finish an opus and Dish is a constant distraction. Dishmama has a bigger TV, too.

Go Jets, Go Nadal!

And the Actor Goes to...

...I'm not sure because I'm not watching it and can't find live streaming on my computer. TG and I watched a little--enough to gauge Joan Allen must have gotten cheek implants, Kate Hudson looked amazing and so did Jane Lynch. I love it when out and proud lesbians wear a dress now and then. I'm more a pantsuit wearer, too, but it's important to diversify and circulate air to one's parts. Speaking of air, Christoph Waltz kept his acceptance speech mercifully short. While the SAG Awards are less glam, the stars at least were fed and privileged enough to make those ralphy speeches, "I had a newspaper route and listened to Broadway Musicals while jumping with one foot. I'm Mitzy Bunderson, and I'm an actor."

In the realm of Predictable Circumstances, Andy Dick was arrested for two counts of felonious groping of genitalia. Jail is the best thing for him.

Because I Care

Tonight is George Clooney's Haiti Telethon at 8pm on every station. I'm pretty sure he did the 9/11 telethon, too. I wanna watch but the shame I feel is too great: I'd be watching for the wrong reasons. Plus, I talked with someone DEEPLY immersed in Hollywood and she told me my chances of talking with a celeb during the telethon are 0%. During the 9/11 telethon, I salivated as I watched the stars talk to the little people on the phone. They seemed highly entertained, exchanging yarns and jokes. I'd get over my phone-hatred if Jack Nicholson were on the other line. Should I watch or will the pain of not speaking to an actual star be too difficult?

I should be more altruistic but I already donated to Haiti (and it's a tax-writeoff so I might donate more). Moreover, I'm open to adopting a Haitian orphan but TG says no.

Major Star Sighting by J.J. at Whole Foods

12:51 pm: The WF in Chelsea. Holy Raiders of the Lost Lesbians! Harrison Ford and Sandra Bernhart were spotted by J.J. during his lunch hour. No details aside from their sharing oxygen in this enclosed space on 24th and 7th. The walls are closing in on Dish just thinking of the possibilities for orgasmic conversational exchanges. Were they picking out sushi together? Buying communal Swiss Muesli? Indy, we should totally work together. I don't sing, Sandra, and I'm not that funny. It's okay, I have your back, Star of The Fugitive. Plus, Madonna's Former Friend, I hate snakes. Oh so do I, Harry baby--Big Time.

Ice Cubes = Secret Attraction

Dish did important celebrity research, Googling "Jennifer Aniston, Gerard Butler, canoodling, Golden Globes." Turns out the iciness between them masked secret make-out sessions in the kitchen and all over the Globes. "Antler" -- the perfect mesh of Aniston and Butler -- was in full force. My question: Did Aniston coat herself in a light sheen of Purrell before she allowed him to touch her? Gerry allegedly eyed Kate Hudson at the same event, citing a crush. For future debauchery, Jennifer should apply two coats of Purrell and five condoms.

The Globes had champagne and chocolate at the tables. Champagne creates far worse halitosis than beer, therefore using the transitive property, Gerry's sweat reaked worse than usual, only to vaporize from repeated baths where sage is burned, virgins are sacrificed and goats gutted. Aniston might have ignored the smell by inhaling massive quantities of chocolate (Ex-Lax?). Chocolate breath is even worse than champagne and beer breath.

(Of course, Dish loves Gerry and Jen! I wish he would knock her up.)

Divorce and Die

It's said Dennis Hopper is near death. He has been quite a figure in movies for so many decades. I'll give him his legend but I grew weary of his shtick after Blue Velvet, the date movie for budding sociopaths in the late-eighties. Yes, a love interest took me to this movie and it cooled my ardor. In fact, I nearly ran out of the theater. It's sad that Dennis's last big act is to file for divorce from the woman who stayed with him for eighteen years. Why do it now and not earlier? People are so weird! I like his paintings, though.

Star Sighting!

Hear ye, hear ye: the fair and bosomy maiden Dishling made her way to ye olde Vitamin Shoppe on 71st and Broadway at 5 and 20 in the eventime when alack and aluster, there stood ye overgrown Muppet Richard Kind with a little liebling wearing a sparkling headband. Richard hoggeth the countereth, forcing Dishling to tarry in homeopathically healing her clogged third eye. Thank Brigid, Green Tara and wise Minerva, for a spritly countermaiden took Dish's order in the stead. With a star sighted, Dish liberally applied the balm to her fiery brow.

Perky Globes

I enjoyed the Golden Globes more than usual because of Ricky Gervais. His naughtiness made the show. The best slam of the night was to Mel Gibson. Please let him host again. He breathed new life into the tired award show regimen.

My thoughts:

Cameron Diaz had something done to her face. I examined and appraised and think she had a nose job recently. Loved her red dress despite the offness on her face.

Better speeches this time. I was ready to drink every time Haiti was mentioned but I would have only gotten trashed on two swigs.

The Queen of the night--to Dish--was Mrs. Jeffrey Bridges, who wore a stunning, sparkly red dress and looked glamorous and real.

Favorite victories: Michael C. Hall (for Dexter and for being the only one I liked on Six Feet Under) and Sandra Bullock. I didn't see The Blind Side, but I vote based on her repertoire. Okay, maybe not that either. She tries and she's nice and has a production company and maybe I could work for her someday and she never made Speed 3.

Quentin Tarentino is still hideous. I'm never quite sure why he's nominated for anything.

I'm not even going to mention the movie about the demonic smurfs.

Are Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler still doing it? They seemed icy. TG picked up on their tension as well, especially after I pointed it out to him.

The best globes of the evening go to Mariah Carey and Joan from Mad Men whose mammaries, like June, were busting out all over.

I loved the cam's devotion to Julia. Her smile brightens my day but her hair needed a good brush and I'm wondering if she's getting a little uppity now that she has done Everything. Maybe she was drunk. Yeah, that's it. I kid because I was a little drunk on those two swigs.

It's The Best Thing Tht Could Have Happened

It's raining at the Golden Globes and now everyone looks like sh*t! Lots of wilting hair and spots on couture! Thank the Goddess there's booze inside. It reminds me of my college days when I mixed bad hair and alcohol. No one was pretty by the end of the night.

Dish's Golden Globe Picks

This is not what I want to win but what I think will win:

Movies:
Best Picture--Drama: Up in the Air
Best Actress--Drama: Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side
Best Actor--Drama: Colin Firth in A Single Man
Best Picture--Comedy or Musical: Julie & Julia
Best Actress--Comedy or Musical: Meryl Street in Julie & Julia
Best Actor--Comedy or Musical: Robert Downey Jr in Sherlock Holmes
Best Supporting Actress: Mo'nique in Precious
Best Supporting Actor: Christoph Waltz in Inglourious Basterds
Best Director: James Cameron for Avatar

TV:
Best Series--Drama: Dexter
Best Actress--Drama: January Jones in Mad Men
Best Actor--Drama: Michael C. Hall in Dexter
Best Series--Comedy or Musical: Glee
Best Actress--Comedy or Musical: Lea Michele in Glee
Best Actor--Comedy or Musical: Alec Baldwin in 30 Rock
Best Miniseries or Motion Picture: Grey Gardens

Dishstory

If The Tudors had existed when I was fourteen, I would have aced Western Civ. Instead, I got a C. Did you know that Henry VIII, after beheading Anne Boleyn (relative of Dish), married Jane Seymour, who played Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman? All world leaders fall in love with actresses so it's understandable and Jane is hard to resist. Jane has such powers of seduction she could lure even a Quee--I mean King such as Jonathan Rhys Meyers into her bed. Way back when, she was the hot temptress that brought Christopher Reeves to fields of ecstasy in Somewhere in Time. Of course, Jane Seymour was destined to be Queen of England.

Long Live, Jane! I'm only on the third episode of Season III so don't tell me what happens next. By the by, Jonathan's eyes are a little bloodshot this season. He needs to lay off the Captain Morgan.

(ps. TG is making mac and cheese from scratch. I'm not sure how I got so lucky.)

Don't Get Huffy With Me

Someone pissed in my FB Friends' Cheerios because I've noticed so many more passive-aggressive status updates that criticize something I (and many others) have done in the last week, i.e. paid attention to the Conan/Leno debacle, revealed the color of my bra to raise breast cancer awareness or participated in a silly creative Mad Libs type of status update with female Friends. Passive-aggressive updates are a great way to diss your friends without having to do it to their faces. I appreciate this because I am a WASP. Confrontation is so dirty.

I apologize if my delving into celebrities is the wrong way to spend my time. I gave to the Red Cross, studied Latin for nine years, got an MA, knit an enormous blanket for teen cancer, rescued injured puppies and single-handedly brought them back to life, tried to go vegan but the gas nearly killed me, I read The New Yorker and I acted correctly by voting for Obama. I wore a fuscia bra today so sue me.

Speaking of which, 2 more days till the Golden Globes!!!!

The Devil is in the Donation

Dish donated to Haiti relief. Is it too soon for me to invent a new drinking game for the Golden Globes this Sunday? Every time a star publicly sends their prayers to everyone in Haiti, do a shot. Please excuse Dish's cynicism, but on award shows, overtures about tragedy often seem insincere to me and for publicity purposes (exception, the 9/11 Emmys and SNL). I almost want to skip them because of the potential plastic outpouring. It may get viewers to donate rather than ogle gowns. And George Clooney is organizing a Haiti telethon, after all. (but did he donate at least a million dollars to the effort?)

Who am I kidding: if there were a telethon, Dish would call endlessly, trying to reach Jack Nicholson...or someone linked to George (Julia). Can you tell I'm housing two Dishes--Humanitarian and Stargazer? We'll call the latter "Betsy."

Let's Forget This Day

Heidi Montag displayed her new plastic surgeries on the cover of People. This is the last resort for those with no talent or intelligence. Dish then watched Palin with Bill O'Reilly and discovered that, like David Gregory of Meet the Press, O'Reilly is an interrupting cow! Every time Palin was about to utter her last sentence, he pounced. I don't agree with 90% of what she says, but she should be allowed to speak. Michael C. Hall of Dexter brilliance has Hodgkin's Lymphoma, but outlook is good. Conan, my second favorite redhead after Kathy Griffin, is getting reamed by NBC. The poor senior staffers at Vogue might have to give up their private cars and take the SUBWAY to work. Devastation!

Oh, and thousands and thousands of people died in Haiti!

I might have to pray but I'm not sure where to direct it. (Julia)

Keep Those Idiots Coming!

Tila Tequila has always annoyed me because she's dumb and addicted to at least one substance (and not in the way that's fun for everyone to watch). The novelty of bisexuality on TV compelled me to watch one minute of her reality show before violence flooded my veins. Now that her "wifey" Casey Johnson died, she's bound to have a new reality show on coping with her grief (by finding her a new "wifey"), the way the Jacksons have risen from the ashes after Michael's death. I'm so depressed, I have to watch the trainwrecks on American Idol tonight.

Speaking of future trainwrecks: Squeaky aka Tobey Maguire dropped out of Spiderman 4. Maybe they could hire George Clooney. I can just see someone super-buff like Channing Tatum taking Squeaky's place. Who will replace Kirsten Dunst? Of course: MEGAN FOX!

Of Flesh and Blood, I'm Made

According to www.perezhilton.com, Human League is back in the studio. Dish may be lost in the 80s, but it was a great decade for music and Human League got it started with "Don't You Want Me." I was in eighth grade, sporting a hideous perm and wearing striped velour shirts. TJ was my love interest and I used to walk by his house at least twice a week (STALKER!). Go, Human League. Help me stay young!

Aside from Harry Reid's psychotic brain fart, Conan O'Brien is getting pummeled by NBC (discriminating against redheads). Mark McGwire finally confessed to his crutch. Little Jimmy just asked if that would be on the final exam. 2012 is almost here. The truth emerges, like those silken words from Anita Bryant's mouth.

Not to end on a bad note: Desperate Housewives was terrible and the evilization of Jon Tenney on B&S made everyone laugh (because he's so nice). My one prayer: Please don't let Sally Field go too long without getting laid.

Why Waste Time?

Couldn't get through Australia and watched the first five minutes of The International before realizing: As much as I love Naomi Watts, life's too short for bad movies. So now, TG and I are listening to The Carpenters. He's working, I'm thinking about the stars.

For instance, Derek Jeter is supposedly marrying that Minka Kelly of the amazing bikini vacation. One thing I like about DJ: He's one of the few sports figures who doesn't yell obscenities after playing badly. He is consistent, like a good bowel movement.

Today, Joe Lieberman and John McCain were reporting on their Dangerous Territory tour of Afghanistan, Pakistan and Iraq. I think they are secretly in Key West, kissing on the beach.

Down Under

Important Insider Gossip: Scarlett Johanssen is a pleasure to work with. Liev Schreiber is excellent but a bit of a diva. Will Dish go see A View from the Bridge on Broadway? Probably not because I'm not an Arthur Miller fan. Maybe if someone else pays.

Today I worked my way through Australia, starring the cast of every Australian actor of the last twenty years, minus Russell Crowe. I still have three hours of sandstorms and loinclothes to endure. Nicole Kidman has never looked better. In fact, her plastic surgery settled down. She was preggers during the making of the film, though you wouldn't know it. Her costar Hugh Jackman plays a manly muscled bar-brawler but to me, he is a big girl--not a cattle driver. Hugh's driving something else.

I made TG watch the first two episodes of Sex and the City today--to catch him up with pop culture--and he likened it to waterboarding. I think he protests too much.

Big Swinging Dicks

I'm so tempted to bring out my ruler. There's all this talk about Jay Leno moving to later and pushing Conan O'Brien to midnight or beyond. The Oracle of Dish foretold a huge disaster putting JL on five times a week, edging out better shows. Can't you imagine these NBC executives (I envision a mix of good-looking empty shells and nerds who've never been laid and are now so pissed) sitting in a plush conference room, dreaming up ideas that are hopelessly out of touch with viewers? Conan is like one of the 101 Dalmatians trudging through the cold, trying to find shelter. It saddens me since Conan is funnier than that joker! Not to mention, he and Dish took the same flight to Toronto on Air Canada, so we're bonded for life. If you ask Dish, the wisest course is to put Craig Ferguson and Conan as close as possible to each other and let tries-too-hard Jay work on his freaking cars.

To paraphrase Shirley MacLaine in Postcards from the Edge: It's so important for Conan to have his turn. Jay has had his!

Watchmen

If Javier Bardem and C. Thomas Howell had sex, they'd produce Jeffrey Dean Morgan with Jeffipoo taking after Javier's side. JJ's brain is short-circuiting from the sandwich potential here. Watchmen is a lavish hunkfest with Billy Crudup (brother in sperm with Jeffrey), JDM (B.I.S. with Crudup), and Patrick Wilson as washed-out superheroes, directed by Zack Snyder of 300 glory. Snyder obviously had enjoyed several communal soaks with Frank Miller since it echoes his work almost too closely. Overall, I fell asleep but enjoyed a couple poetic parts, especially with Billy Crudup as Dr. Manhattan (Blue Man Group). Rent only if you are into graphic novels.

In train wreck news: Vince Vaughn married a nobody which means it could work; Katy Perry and Russell Brand got enraged, as did Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood. I'm not sure either couple will make it to the altar.

Who's Looking Out for the Pills?

With the many recent deaths of young Hollywood from overdosing, Dish is scared that escapist meds will vanish. If meds vanish, rehab will vanish, which would eliminate a crucial step in the Has-Been comeback and several reality shows. If we don't have enough Dorazepam, Howispam, Ambien, Lorazepam, Paxil, Wellbutrin, we might see ragged performances by anxious people--the last thing we want. These deaths might be a Scientology conspiracy so I have to put my foot down. Please reassure me that drugs will flow in Hollywood and that actors will mix them.

I'm hanging on by a thread.

First Lesbian Dream of 2010!

I've been blessed by the best! I blame this dream on the flannel elephant sheets. Picture it: midnight as Dish mingles with a crowd of revelers. Madonna was in that group and she had her pre-Raphaelite hair circa 1996. Everyone got to kiss her goodbye. Then came Dish's turn. It was the kiss of the century, one I'd remember forever. I secretly hoped someone was taking pics so I'd wind up in the tabloids. Madonna broke away, seeming disturbed. I felt content that I'd jolted the superstar. Madonna loves Dish! As I skipped down the subway steps, I wondered how many hours of sleep I'd get before work. When I woke up, TG was wearing a long curly blond wig.

Dish has ordered her outrageously expensive copy of Falling for Gracie, directed by and starring Fay Ann Lee and Dish's *former* imaginary boyfriend Gale Harold. If you go to www.fallingforgracie.com and order before February 5th, you might get a personal message from the director. Dish is ECSTATIC!

Annette Bening's Bangs

6:30 pm: TG and I compare Diane Sawyer and Katie Couric on the evening news. ABC news has cheap local backdrop and Sawyer's delivery is too intense. Not to mention, she wore a pinstripe suit, my pet peeve. She moves her head too much and everything is a catastrophe. (still have a little crush)
9:34 pm: Day is complete watching Annette Bening's bangs vibrate during her "female upstart" speech in The American President.

Last night: Teri Hatcher wore a fat suit, an excellent look. I might give her credit for daring to appear ugly in front of millions. But wait! It's a good strategy: We see how fetching she might be in contrast. BITCH! I still hate her and her devious manipulations. Victory: TG watched Desperate Housewives even though he said he was going to do his own thing. He's malleable and will sink to my level on command.

Since all Julia matters concern me, I've started reading Eat Pray Love. I may be killed for writing this but one more story of a rich WASP finding enlightenment in the Far East provokes my gag reflex and yet I can't put it down. My guru is: Snickers. Damn me!

What's Your Syndrome?

Since her catastrophic downing of pills to deal with her broken heart, Alexis Ray Joel wants to help other girls who endure crippling depression from "Heartbreak-Related Syndrome." I have Fat-Ass Syndrome, which cripples me sometimes. I can't get out of bed, which only makes my ass bigger so it's a vicious circle--literally. I also have crippling Ice-Cream-Itis, which I can't talk about and is self-explanatory. Soon, I'd like to address high school students who suffer from similar issues. Go back to singing, Alexis.

The year is not off to a promising start. TG confused Gene Simmons with Richard Simmons. He said, "It's impressive Gene Simmons keeps exercising at his age." The only thing Gene Simmons exercises is his penis and a hairbrush. TG also mixes up Matthew Broderick and Michael J. Fox, which I won't even get into.

It's Constipated

TG spent 25$ on our tickets to It's Complicated. Not my $$$, thank goodness, because it's terrible. I enjoyed Something's Gotta Give and What Women Want (kinda) but this one Nancy Meyers wrote on the john. Again, when you pile 3+ stars into a film, you get 15 mg of Ambien + 5 mg of Lorazepam = the perfect bedtime story or my 7th grade diary. What did I hate about it:

Slow pacing
Predictable dialogue and plot and not even comforting-predictable
Sick of women cooking and gardening in chick flicks
Sick of groups of four women doing girl talk (which is always about men)
Meryl is a little too close to Diane's character in Something Gotta Give (white clothes pre-coitus, black clothes post-coitus; throw in adorable children and loving exes and you have no basis in reality.
Oh the cliches!

The best part of the movie was when Meryl and Steve Martin got stoned. Through the many twists and turns, I whispered to TG, "I'm so surprised that just happened." This isn't even a FUN bad movie. I would rent the remake of The Women before seeing this again (though Annette Bening looks amazing in this one). That said, I love Meryl with all my heart and she is sexy and gorgeous. Whaddya know, she used her Julie and Julia skills to run a bakery in this one.

Before you see it, ask yourself: With the crazy premise, do you really think Meryl is going to wind up with Alec?

Accidents

I don't like to disappoint people who think I'm a moron so during my carefully carved out Dishtime post-holiday extravanganza, I viewed The Accidental Husband. Uma Thurman + Romantic Comedy = Guaranteed Disaster (exception: The Truth About Cats and Dogs). When you throw in too many mega-hunkaliciouses such as Colin Firth and Jeffrey Dean Morgan, you're in more trouble. The sad thing: I enjoyed it from beginning to end. What's not to like? It's obvious and doesn't challenge my intellect:

1. Colin Firth is basically a girl from England who eats chocolate when stressed; Jeffrey Dean Morgan is a dumb, burly fireman from Astoria. Colin probably enjoys a hygienic missionary and Jeffrey likes giving it bareback in the pooper. I wonder who Uma will pick!
2. Uma is a love expert who has no idea what she's talking about--ORIGINAL!
3. Uma accidentally gets drunk and falls on her face--a Romance Comedy staple.
4. When she doesn't get the guy she REALLY wants, she goes back to Colin (a girl) and almost marries him, which is the film's stab at same sex union.

Other than Uma's pneumonia throughout the film (so obvious she was sucking down Nyquil or smoking her brains out), my favorite part is the attempt at ethnic diversity, an Indian family and all the colorful saris, let-your-hair-down and dot- in-forehead fixings to show Uma that she needs to relax. Thanks, Griffin Dunne.

Happy New Year!