Cougar Sucess?

Naveen Andrews and Barbara Hershey have split after twelve years together. Cougar relationships are difficult to maintain (Sarandon/Robbins; Fiennes/Annis; Dalton/Redgrave; Madonna/Richie; Cher/Everyone). A successful cougar relationship: Maxwell Caulfield and Juliet Mills, who've been married for thirty years. There is a seventeen-year age difference. Their secret: She won't let him see her in curlers. Most cougars don't give a rat's behind.

TG has his own star reports. Today he informed me that Oprah was abused by an English bulldog during her upbringing in Alaska. Not surprised. Oprah has done everything. Yesterday, he claimed to have seen Meryl Streep at Le Pain Quotidien but when Dish tried to confirm it was a woman with a huge disjointed honker--not Streep.

Madonna is the new Jesus...

..and this week edged out Angelina in Celebrities Committing Selfless Acts. Madonna's no martyr, but this world is all about me, me, me so you don't need to die anymore. Today, Jesus's sacrifice would be televised on the Internets or mistaken for a suicide mission. To make a collossal difference, you have to appear in a Please Vote (for Obama) ad on TV, be seen accepting calls on a telethon stage, hammering nails into a house in New Orleans, or crying as you witness Japanese fishermen killing dolphins (coinciding with your show's premiere). Celebrities shine a light on the issues while promoting their sensitive hearts (and albums). Really, I don't mind it and why not compel your fame toward the greatest good? Madonna used her Me-ness to help two gay men get released from prison in Malawi. Their crime: being gay. Go, Madonna! She has done good for a very long time so I don't mind any me-ness. We in Chelsea are screaming her praises (of course, we do this anyway).

RIP and Congratulations

So, two stars dead within 48 hours. Where's the third? Dennis Hopper always seemed like a crazy SOB. I enjoyed his scenery chomping in Speed but his iconic weirdness kept me from fully embracing him. Might have to rewatch some of his old flicks. A young man took me on a first date to see Blue Velvet. Needless to say, I ran for the door the minute the credits rolled.

With the sad comes the happy news that Celine Dion is pregnant with twins. I hope all goes well! One is never enough. Twins run in my family but if I had to carry more than one, I'd camp out in front of the TV for nine months and drink energy shakes. Everyone else would have to do my work since I wouldn't want to upset the bebes. If anyone argued, I'd say "Eff off, I'm high risk."

Prayer for Todd Bridges

Now that the cast of Diff'rent Strokes has been razed by tragedy, I'm pulling for Todd Bridges. He seems like one of the few who's come out the other end. I hope he continues to find peace and stays sober.

Dish is on the road today, visiting more family. I'll leave you all with my new movie poster for Prince of Persia, the flick starring cutie-patootie Jake Gyllenhaal.

Oh, and I didn't see this coming: Heidi Montag is leaving Spencer Pratt. Whoopdiedoo and who cares?

Poor Gary Coleman!

Talk about a tragic life: He was an absolute mess but it's very sad that he's now gone. Diff'rent Strokes really put a curse on the cast. Recently saw GC on The Insider where he unleashed bipolar hell and wondered what kind of life he must have. Sad, sad man. Blessings on his coming and going.

I won't say it. Okay, maybe one last time: Whatchoo talkin' about, Willis?

Wait, wait, what is Avenue Q going to do now that Gary Coleman is gone?

Star Sighting--Jonathan Cake

1:35pm: Sitting out in the open reading a paper at Champignon on 22nd and 7th. I think she lives near us. It's the millionth sighting of this celebrity.

Here's What I Have to Put Up With

TG: Meg Ryan. Wasn't she in Working Girl? Oh wait, she was in that Tom Hanks movie When Harry Met Sally.

My Hag Fantasies Thoroughly Satisfied

Daniel Craig was allegedly caught kissing a man. I thought I was happy: in love, pretty, smart, employed, loved by most of my family/friends. But this news brings me to even greater heights of delirium. Let's all have a moment of silence, pray that this god really is gay.

I'm a little verklempt.

Toxic Gingies

1. How about that Fergie accepting a bribe to introduce someone to her ex? Prince Andrew isn't even cute anymore. I rejoiced when she was introduced--another redhead in the castle--but she's really lost it since the divorce. How much money does she need? She might need a reality show in jail.

2. Dish watched Lindsay Lohan in court and the girl's upper lip filled the entire screen. Collagen at 23.

3. Maybe South Park was right about Gingies. They have no soul (I might be the exception but verdict is still out).

A small red-haired boy walk by us on the train. TG turned to me and whispered, "Gingie."

Lost is a Triumph

Dish enjoyed the Lost finale. My conclusion: they were dead from the beginning. TG and I tend to blubber during emotional scenes but our host and hostess rallied our spirits, provided barbecue and a cheerful yet informative analysis of previous seasons. The most exhilarating moments occurred whenever Locke (Said) appeared and the reunion of Charlie and Claire. Wonder how many Emmys Lost will get... It was one of the better finales I'd seen.

We just got home. During our train ride, we continued our viewing of Pride and Prejudice. TG hearts Mr. Collins best. More to come once I've caught up on the world's gossip.

Dish is Lost!

I escaped New York this weekend: no TV, no sirens outside my window, no tabloids for two days. The place where I'm staying is owned by a Lost fanatic and she sort of hinted that we might like to view the finale tonight or she could watch it hulu.com tomorrow. I seized on the yearning in her eyes and insisted that we all needed to watch that finale together. Does Dish EVER dispute a request for television? I'm only through Season 1 but it might spur my progress if I saw the end first. It's also been 42 hours since my last television. My only concern--and please don't spoil it for me--is if Naveen Andrews dies. He had me at The English Patient and I heart when good actors go to the small screen. Could care less about Sawyer and Kate.

We're having special popcorn and several bottles of wine for the occasion. (As usual, Dish will imbibe a tablespoon of wine and claim to be trashed)

Escape!

Dish and TG are headed to Boston for a quick vacay weekend and escape from Lindsay Lohan mania. Since I loathe traveling, I need every boost of goodness. For the train ride, I chose the looooonnnnggggg BBC version of Pride and Prejudice starring Jennifer Ehle and Colin Firth. I'll watch and remember how the two stars had a wild romance during the filming. Then I'll cry that their relationship didn't survive, but how this version of P&P helped Helen Fielding create the masterpiece that is Bridget Jones. TG won't partake in this epic viewing since he tried to read P&P and found it "so boooorrrringgg."

I will try to go one weekend without reading the tabloids.

Dish Space Cowboy

This week's been a pisser. We're done. Time to light some tiki torches, pour us some margaritas because we need a sweet release. Okay, the smoke is getting to me and I'm afraid of tequila so let's choose Space Cowboys as our venue for Keeping Our Merde Together. Some Cool-Whip and bluberries help. In fact, my rock stars of the day are Cool-Whip, bluberries and frozen yogurt, with two tablespoons of wheat germ. Healthy heaven.

Did see a celeb today at 1:25, at Spring and 6th but can't figure out who he is. I could tell the world that he was talking to himself--therefore crazy.

TG just said, "I just want someone to nail me on a crucifix." I'm living with The Lord Jesus himself. He eats sneakily like a teenaged girl on a binge. So cute.

Justice is Served!

It's gratifying when celebrities get their comeuppance. Lindsay Lohan made bail but has to show for court on Monday. DishBrother brought to our attention that Lindsay's pic here shows a dress that should have been long but that someone took scissors to and made short. Dish overlooked this entirely but now sees the shocking tear. Now let's hope she goes to jail gracefully...or better yet just disappears.

Cyclist Floyd Landis says that Lance Armstrong was doping all along. You know what? I believe it. What's more, so many of the cyclists dope. I won't reveal my sources but they are within that community. Dish is not a fan of Lance though do celebrate his beating cancer and hope he's a good father.

I found Rock of Love revolting but it's sad that Bret Michaels is in the hospital yet again, this time for his heart. He just can't catch a break in love or health.

Shane's Lovechild?

Dish went to Youtube to see what the fuss was about and I feel really bad for Justin Bieber. If he were in public school, he'd get beaten up immediately. It reminds me of the obsession with Leif Garrett and Shawn Cassidy a hundred years ago.

The Title Is in Good Hands!

Thank you, Donald Trump, for bringing us the first ever Miss USA who is handy with a stripper pole. I'm hanging and writhing on her every word, so was excited by what she said on the Wendy Williams Show, "We have to bring the economy up to life."

We're all a-stir about whether or not Lindsay Lohan will complete her alcohol education classes and show up for court in time. She's been vodka-guzzling in Cannes and now Precious can't get back home and has to miss her courty-wourty appearance.

You know, Dish used to teach high school and there were a ton of Lindsays. "Sorry, Miss Dish, I can't do this assignment because of all of the following..."

1. My unable-to-focus disorder was at an all-time high.
2. My parents took me to a spa, and they wouldn't let me do my work there.
3. I did the homework at the kitchen table this morning, but then the dog vomited on it and once I cleaned it up and recopied it, I was late to school because the car broke down so I called the cops and one of them almost raped me and I had to call my parents who were upset and took me to the doctors and he said I had trauma disorder so I need an extension?
4. I didn't understand your directions.
5. My other teachers don't give this much work.
6. I'm never going to use this in the future so why do I have to do this?

Because Dish says so. The problem isn't Lindsay so much as, like many of my former students, SHE HAS THE WORST PARENTS IN THE WORLD. They think their children are allowed second, third, twentieth chances and should still get the D minus-minus instead of an F. This is why America now thrives on mediocrity. Lindsay is a full-fledged adult so it's her responsibility to shape up. I hope the judge throws the book at her.

In happier but a little strange news, the Travoltas are pregnant (how did that happen?). Kind of nice and gives 40-something babes hope that reproduction is still possible.

Foul Beast aka The Seventh Stranger

Dish has had a sh*tty day. I'm very lucky overall but some days just suck. Age has given me perspective. I'll probably feel differently tomorrow. Tonight's episode of Glee might lift my spirits. But you know what would be my fantasy pick-me-up? Duran Duran reading me a bedtime story. Nothing kinky, just some Cheetos, M&Ms, Ambien and a nice story that will put me to sleep. Like maybe a physics textbook. Who are we kidding? Dish never sleeps!

Random

It's funny that on last week's Real Housewives of New York City the sunglass-wearing-indoors "music producer" compared Countess LuAnn's voice to that of Madonna and Fergie. I was too shocked to laugh. The Countess admitted she wasn't a singer but she liked to sing. I do, too, much to everyone's chagrin. I'm sure a good microphone would help. It helped Kanye stay on key!

Brothers & Sisters finale: Interesting how one accident could injure so many Walkers. Why couldn't this happen to the Kardashians or the Lohans? Not that I want injuries, it's just that some people should go before others.

Thank god Ashley Olsen is okay after her bad flight, which had to make an emergency landing in Virginia. I don't want another star to get into a plane accident.

Lindsay Lohan was caught falling again at Cannes and she flashed her panties. I'm just happy I haven't seen her hoo-ha on the Internets in a while.

Christina vs. Gaga: Why pit these two against each other? Dish prefers Gaga's wackiness (it's getting a smidge old). It's the era of Gaga and the latest pics of Christina seem too Gaga-esque. Her stylists are steering her in the wrong direction and she should go back to either retro or S&M. Both women have fabulous pipes.

Barbra on Sunday

Funny Girl is brilliant and Barbra is brilliant in it. I watched an hour and was reinspired. Just saying: I love her and always will -- even if she's singing a lot of ballads right now.

Nothing happens on Sunday. Well, Law & Order was cancelled, and so was Mercy (Nurse Jackie is way better). So-and-so drank too much and the other is out with her new man after her split.

Right now, even though Desperate Housewives has been dull all season, I have to see it through. Hope Lynnette has her baby. Of course, she'll have her baby. Network TV won't dare kill off a baby.

Anyway, yay Barbra!

Total Lethargy

Dish is drowning in work and, sadly, it's difficult to get anything done when exhausted. It may be spring fever. Does this stop me from thinking about the stars? Never. As I floated between work and REM, I made a mental list of my favorite lies from celebrities:

1. "I was such a geek in high school."
2. "It's just diet and exercise."
3. "I'm out here supporting this important cause."
4. "I've had no work done."
5. "With [insert spouse's name], it was easy to give up my wild lifestyle."
6. "As usual, the tabloids are fabricating lies about me."
7. "I was in the hospital for exhaustion."
8. "It was a bad reaction to antihihystemines."
9. "Believe it or not, I've only slept with four men in my life."
10. "I want to set the record straight."

Dish Can't Wait...

...to see Kim Catrall, SJP, Kristin Davis and Cynthia Nixon is action again. Countdown 13 days until it reaches theaters!

Star Sighting: Ally Sheedy

JJ just saw Ally Sheedy on 93rd and Amsterdam. I asked him how she seemed and he said, "Exactly what you'd think..." Oh, JJ. She's not Hollywood--enjoyed her in Sugartown.

Feathers in Our Caps

I don't know about you but I'm sick to death of Robin Hood. Sure, as a Disney bear, he was my first crush but now, with Russell Crowe throwing spears (instead of telephones) I just want to scream, ENOUGH! I got screwed over by Kevin Costner, Cary Elwes, and Errol Flynn. The trailers for this one did not entice Dish. Can we stop with the rock music played during period-piece battle sequences? I'll stick with the British and French reviews on this one. Then again, it is a wonderful way to teach us about history. Also, Cate Blanchett and Robin Hood are PC.

The Real Housewives of New York City

Dish is ready for this evening's festivities: Cupcakes, Countess LuAnn, Ramona Singer, Jill Zarin, Alex from Brooklyn, Kelly Bensimmon, Sonya Morgan, and Bethenny Frankel. These women are horrible to each other but I have to see them behave badly. It reminds me of that tried-and-true lesson: treat your neighbor like a donkey's a-hole and get away with it. You may be wondering why no real picture of these Skeletors. Pure paranoia--and someday the world will recognize my art for its genius. Plus, I figure this way of commemorating the stars that I adore is less invasive than following them like a papparazzo. The stars HATE being photographed. Whaddya think?

Common Cold Combat

Pardon the asinine alliteration. To rally my immune system, I recently tuned in to a double-header of testosterone: The Hurt Locker and 300. The former was well deserving of its Best Picture nod. The flick reminded me a bit of Traffic, which wowed the world with its shaky camera and casually brutal narrative. The Hurt Locker seemed more authentic with its spare dialogue and tight pacing. Excellent performances by its actors. A modest movie.

Another thing that helped Dish in her convalescence: Laura Bush has come out for gay marriage and abortion on Larry King (that sentence could be misconstrued). I never minded Laura as First Lady since she seemed like a shy book-worm who was well aware of her husband's flaws. She herself has some whoppers. Her appearance proves that you can disagree with your mate and still live with him/her. We don't have to think the same way unless we want to bring back Nazi Germany. The Book of TG says, "Nothing is black and white." I can love my Evangelical Christian friends and be a screaming pagan listener of Duran Duran.

This Might Be Too Long But I Have a Cold

I came home singing, so happy that Gordon White resigned as prime minister and now Damon Cameron--who is much better looking--will take over England. It's a happy day when an attractive person takes office. Then TG spoiled everything by saying DC was super conservative. Sigh.

Everyone's in an uproar about the Newsweek article on gays playing straight. Based on the tidbits I read, the piece sounded far too subjective (derrrr) for serious consideration. So let's forget about it. I thought--subjectively--Sean Hayes did straight pretty well in Promises, Promises. The ghost of Jack MacFarland faded from my brain and I let in hetero-Sean's-character take over. He played the Jack Lemmon type of guy who is courteous, unassuming and opens doors for women (okay, that's a little gay). Sure, I'll boycott Newsweek. You wouldn't get this kind of crap in People where real life happens.

On another note, after watching Sonia from The Real Housewives of New York City talk to that psychic, Dish dreams of reading Tarot cards to Upper East Side ladies. I'm not missing any teeth, I'll flatter till the cows come home, and I'd wear a suit. And I'm really good at reading cards.

Fun is...

...riding in a cab with the son of a billionaire and paying the fare. Dish enjoyed a lovely evening filled with oddly moving religious music, food, and most of all, mini-desserts (which means you can have three).

It is small consolation for the tragic loss of Lena Horne who died at age 92. As TG says, if she'd taken better care of herself, she wouldn't have died so young. But seriously, what a joy it's been to watch and listen to her. I remember craving her voice one year and spending a season basking in tapes of her music. I have this feeling she was also on The Love Boat--oh wait, that was Show Boat. Blessings on her coming and going...

Speaking of tapes, wonder how Tom Cruise is reacting to news that a Scientology tsar shared Maverick's auditing tapes with his friends. If my therapists did that with my life, listeners would be...well...asleep. It's hard for me to imagine Tom without his Scientology but maybe there'll be an overthrow where Tom can be King. Stay strong, freaky little couch-jumper.

Happy Mother's Day!

Serial killer entertainment excites Dish, so yesterday's viewing of The Lovely Bones was a treat. Sadly, there wasn't enough "Are the lambs still singing, Clarisse?" and far too much, "I'm in a groovy place between Heaven and Earth, floating like a cloud of energy." Nevertheless, worth a rent, if only for the lovely performances by the dead chick and Marky Mark. Stanley Tucci was eerie (as he often is) as the wearer of blue contact lenses and killer of little girls. Once you're done watching Snapped or that documentary on Jeffrey Dahmer, check this one out.

On tonight's viewing menu, TG requested Conniving Housewives since he's become attached to the bland scripts and flimsy characterization. I must watch, too.

Loved Betty White last night on SNL; predictably, they gave her a ton of vagina jokes. I don't understand why Jay-Z is so popular.

Are You Ready for Betty White?

She'll probably bring amazing ratings to the long-stinkifying Saturday Night Live. It's been unwatchable this season, though the worst episode was when no-sense-of-humor Lance Armstrong hosted. I feel partially responsible for Betty's hosting (she's joined by a flock of females just in case she falls over) since I joined that Facebook group to get her on the show.

In other news, Bethenny Frankel and her husband had a baby girl today, Bryn Hoppy, 4 lbs and healthy. Many celebrity newborns weigh in at under 5 lbs and I couldn't be prouder. One must start the undereating early, especially if a girl.

Dish just finished the fabulously trashy The Diana Chronicles by Tina Brown. I remember so vividly where I was when Diana died. TG and I discussed celebrity deaths that affected us. He almost shed tears over Anna Nicole's demise but was revived by the fact that Larry Birkhead seemed to be a good dad to their love child. DishBrother was upset when JFK, jr. died since he'd seen him at a party and almost fainted from his gorgeousness. Which celebrity death messed you up?

The Real Housewives of New York City Should Be...

...used as landfill.* I only mean that a little. Last night's ordeal got very Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf with the Elizabeth Taylor role going to Jill Zarin. She cries, laughs, loves, then goes off on a raging tear. The villains change from episode to episode, though the core personalities remain true:

Bethenny: poor-me commitophobe who can level you with her nasty mouth. Is supposedly in labor right now. Just married strange person who's a little self-helpy.
The Countess: gorgeous, with a nice deep voice but shows her class by telling a young underprivileged girl she's too fat.
Ramona: Needs medication.
Alex: Nerdy girl who had integrity until she discovered her power.
Sonia: Fun and slutty, like Samantha on Sex and the City.
Jennifer: So far, the normal one.
Kelly: Flaky model who, this season, is, like, likeable.
Jill Zarin: Janus.

As much as I find these women mostly toxic, I can't wait for next Thursday. God help me.

*term often used by TG to denote the worthless.

Almost Friday

I'm not sure who I'd rather be in this picture. How nice it would be to experience the magic of Julia and Javier up close. At the very least, I want to know what Julia is knitting. Will be satisfied to see the chemical explosion when Eat Pray Love comes out in August.

I'm not excited about Ironman 2 as it looks mediocre. Bret Michaels is on the cover of People and I don't understand how this happened. In his hospital picture, he's wearing a bandanna and fake-sleeping. It reminds a little of when Meryl Streep dressed up Shirley MacLaine when she was in the hospital in Postcards from the Edge.

At this point, life can't get better. TG is out getting me ice cream, no questions asked.

Nine = De-Lovely 2

Dizzy from bad movies tried to watch. Couples Retreat: Unwatchable, even with Jean Reno wearing a Speedo. :(

Second stinker: Nine. I know--this means a death sentence from Gayville but I can't be silent! So many divas in one movie usually means trouble (exception: The Women and Steel Magnolias). This one had so many gloomy ballads and fall-asleep performances. Daniel Day's Italian accent and narcissism loosened the blockage in my intestines. I might have liked this show had I seen Antonio Banderas, whose charisma is 2-die-4. One bright spot: Kate Hudson is FANTASTIC!

Gossip: How strange that Tiger Woods's #1 mistress = David Boreanaz mistress. Mistress + $$$ = ho. I'm just saying. Wasn't Rachel Uchitel once the posterchild for lost fiancees of 9/11 victims? Kendra Wilkinson--famous for her spreads with Playboy and Hugh Hefner--might have a sex tape released, just in time for her to show off baby weight loss. Judge Judy is far more interesting, and if I can venture some perviness, far more alluring because of her true accomplishments. You never know, she might sport a banging bikini bod under those robes. Today, on The View, she scoffed at the latest celebrity craze to admit sex addiction. She attributes it to poor zipper impulse control. Can you imagine JFK going to rehab for sex addiction? He was too busy running the country. Soon, we'll dream up rehab for those who only like to park the car in one garage.

I need a disorder, y'all.

I May Not Want Him Anymore, But No One Else Can Have Him!

F U, Charlize Theron! Just because you won an Oscar for playing a serial killer, you make interesting movie choices and lived in South Africa, doesn't mean you are allowed to DATE Keanu Reeves!!! HE WILL ALWAYS BE DISH'S! The only time I'd allow my Kee-Kee to date is if it's Sandra Bullock. She also starred with him in two movies and I'm sure she's a better kisser!!! I'll pretend I didn't hear about the two of you canoodling in Hollywood last night!!! Damn you and your perfect looks and blond hairrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Weeping for Lynn Redgrave

I enjoyed Lynn Redgrave as much as her sister. She seemed like the type you'd want to have over for coffee. Vanessa, not so much, but with her I'd enjoy doing an in-depth analysis of Virginia Woolf's writings. Sadly, Lynn had been battling breast cancer these past seven years. Blessings on her coming and going. That family has had a crappy couple years.

Also crappy these past couple years is Desperate Housewives. As DishBrother notes, it was never good but now the show has become boring. Again, my butt has written better stories than last night's spectacle of ridiculousness. Three psychopaths all vying to unleash hell on one potential character we probably don't care about. I'd like a bloodbath, please.

In addition, last night's Brothers & Sisters was phoned in. As usual, Sally Field kept up the scenery with her puttering, cooking, and small talk. Justin's pointy-nosed-wife got all acty when he announced he was too dumb for medical school (get back on the Vicodin b/c it gives Sally something to do). You could tell Acty was all upset since she appeared without her usual glowing makeup. The wan look is a dead giveaway. Then, now that Luc is living with Sarah, he's lost his penis. Nora might be keeping it under her pillow until Treat Williams/Jon Tenney/Lindsay from Chariots of Fire/Danny Glover return to the show.

God help us all.

The Circle of Death!

I dreamt that a lion and a tiger pounced on me. The voice in my diseased brain said, "Lie still. Pretend you're dead." I did just this and watched as little TGcat leaped on both animals and saved me. Crazy but prophetic, Dish awoke to read about last night's bomb scare in Times Square in front of the theater featuring "The Lion King." I have a hard time believing it's for real since terrorists generally aren't so dumb as to use a bomb that doesn't work. Will await updates before freaking out.

So, since John Paul Stevens Jessica Parker is leaving the Supreme Court, Obama needs another judge. Dish's nominee is: Lindsay Lohan. She would add fun, the youth vote, and she needs a job. Sotomayor would smack her if she drank on the job. Clarence Thomas could put pubes in her rum and Coke. A good time had by all.

To make up for my restless night, I will watch Desperate Housewives, which is sure to put me to sleep.

May Day!

Poor Catherine Bach (aka the original Daisy Duke--and still super gorgeous). Her husband died yesterday of an apparent suicide. The only fishy aspect is his link to Michael Jackson. But why off yourself if you're married to Catherine Bach?

News is slow beyond the horrible oil spill in the gulf. And it has nothing to do with product from the Jersey Shore. Bahahahahaha. Again, very slow news day.