Not in Cleveland

Dish had horrible nightmares of living in Crack Den, Ohio (gag!) in the worst possible hotel with a baby I had to protect. I kept going to the wrong floor, confronting thugs with guns until I finally escaped and ran to an oil company where they took good care of me. I kept having to go back into the den.

I blame Deepak Chopra for this dream since right before achieving sweet slumber, I found TWO typos in his book Reinventing the Body, Resurrecting the Soul, on p. 172 and 173. I expected more from you, Deepak. My soul was about to be resurrected, but you sent me back to Cleveland.

Today's skinny involves more Katie and Tom. It turns out, she's left Tom to be closer to Dish instead of Scientology. I know exactly where she's living, which means more trips to dreaded Whole Foods where I can spy*. I will at least let her know I'm available for babysitting (as long as Suri knows how to clean).

Alec Baldwin went gingie** to get married to his alluring--seemingly zen--yoga instructor Hilaria Thomas. They are a cute couple, for reals. Even Woody attended the event! Despite his condemnation of the media, A-Bald sold the wedding pics to People. Deep down, I'm happy for them if love resurrects their souls and renders him less batsh*t. Not so deep down, I compile the evidence that he's probably a big mess (though also brilliant and a celebrity, so much latitude needed, please). Why not just ignore paps who try to bait him? I hope Yoga helps calm him down. Or age does it.

*I won't do this. I hate going to Whole Foods.
**Oh, how Christian Grey of you, Alec. Dyeing is the man's facelift.

Happy Birthday, Dishmama!

Today she is on a jet plane, arriving way past her bedtime. We are at a loss how to celebrate when the goddess herself is in the air. I dove headlong into a movie marathon:

Safe House: Ryan Reynolds is an excellent action hero and he proves he can act in this thrill-packed CIA chase-reel. Denzel does his usual slick masterful mentor thing, killing some soldiers along the way. Predictable, repetitive, but what else is there? If you like watching things go boom, rent immediately. I loved it.

Young Adult: Another wit-tastic flick from Diablo Cody's pen. The sad thing is that I identified too much with the Charlize character, except I would never go back to my hometown to throw a big hissy over my first love. Life is hell. Charlize is perfect.

The Dictator: Far less irritating than Bruno or Borat. I laughed all the way through and enjoyed TG's hysterics. It was a nice change from his bitching at me to walk on the shady side of the street on our way to Union Square.

Mirror Mirror: I'm bewildered by how bad this is. I can't even stomach Julia. I hope she's screaming at whoever chose this project, even if it's to a mirror. I'm 10 minutes in, feeling that Julia needs Dish's help STAT to revive her career. I want her in an urban movie, playing a cold, beautiful socialite and screwing the daylights out of someone hot and not Tom Hanks. We've only seen her have sex in Sleeping with the Enemy (it made me uncomfortable) but it's time to shake things up and go for a less predictably Julia project (which is usually unpredictable, so by that, I would choose something I would predict she wouldn't choose).

The same advice for Tom Cruise--a career overhaul to deal with this next phase of life. No spacesuit or law enforcement stories. He was awesome in Rock of Ages but the movie seems to be tanking. Maybe the world doesn't want to see him shirtless anymore. I think he's brilliant when he wears a suit in a movie (Jerry Maguire, Lion for Lambs, Collateral). If his social life is going to hell, maybe Oscar should be his next goal.

Katie IS Brilliant X 2

According to TMZ, Katie filed for divorce and SOLE custody in NYC, which allegedly blind-sided Tom and works to her advantage. It seems a sexless marriage Scientology was the issue. Now the question is whether Tom will put up a nasty fight. If he's smart, he won't.

I wish I knew the whole story. Seriously, I wouldn't tell a soul except TG though he can't keep a secret. Wouldn't it be cool if Tom told the truth about everything? Could we handle the truth?

Katie Holmes is Brilliant!

My late 20s sucked and I imagine they did for Katie as well (because I just know). Her engagement to Chris Klein ended and her career was in flux--though brazilliant in Pieces of April and The Gift. Why NOT marry Tom Cruise? She only had to stay with him for a set amount of time--allegedly. Now she has a gorgeous daughter and her whole fabulous 30s to look forward to. Tom would never let her starve on the street. If she keeps her mouth shut about what their marriage was really all about (don't say "true love"), he might even help her along the way.

I wonder if she'll stick with Scientology or go back to Catholicism, as did Nicole.

Divorce is terrible, but I'm just filled with hope over Katie's future. The only thing that offends me is the assumption that Tom will go to John Travolta, as if saying that a gay Scientologist should only date another gay Scientologist*.

*If you believe the rumors, which I don't necessarily do, do I?

Katie, You Don't Complete Me! Cruises Divorcing!

Stay tuned for details. I am in shock.

Maybe the Mayans are right about the world ending...

Obama Care Stays, Ann Curry Goes

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Wasn't that Leo Tolstoy? JK. Maybe. So, Dish was watching Fox News (just for Judge Alex) when they broke through with the URGENT and DIRE decision to keep Obama-care. There was a lot of sighing and head-shaking. I still feel Obama should have gone further with this policy but I'll take this victory! (Vote Hillary)

Earlier this morning came another history-making event: Ann Curry announcing that she's leaving Today. This is probably one of the most awkward TV moments that I've ever witnessed--especially Matt's suggestion that she might jump out of a plane soon: .

Matt Lauer is a douche*. I haven't watched this show since Katie Couric left, but I hope that this botched departure hurts Today's ratings. And I hope Ann Curry's popularity grows exponentially! (Thanks, TMZ!)

I predict continued low ratings. Meredith Viera was a hard act to follow.

*So are the "high priority" emails flooding my inbox. Nothing is that urgent. Really. It's making Dish cranky.

Mourning for Nora Continues

Unfortunately, Dish has read no testimonials about the brilliance of Nora but will tomorrow. It's just been a busy day. TG did laundry, bought stamps, took me out to dinner and a movie, so I'm lucky.

We went to see Gringos at the Gate, directed by one of TG's classmates, about soccer in Mexico vs. the U.S. Dish played and coached soccer, so this documentary was pure pleasure (go Italia tomorrow!).

My final thought: I am never contributing to a Presidential campaign ever again, unless Hillary. I'm getting emails asking for more every single day.

Movie and Writing Legend Nora Ephron Dies

What is happening? I remember watching Heartburn and thinking, What depressing sh*t is this? Then I grew to love the movie and appreciated how it delved into women's lives. Everyone has seen When Harry Met Sally... and wondered if it could happen in real life -- your best guy buddy is the love of your life*. Sleepless in Seattle made me realize that you should never marry a man with sinus issues, because Bill Pullman so obviously wasn't right for Meg Ryan. Nora wrote Silkwood (no hotter screen lesbian than Cher, oh wait, forgetting Katherine Moennig), visualized Julie & Julia and so many others (we'll forget Hanging Up because it consisted of Meg and Diane screaming). Nora Ephron is one of those women who changed us and showed women as witty and intelligent. I don't know what else to say. She should have had another twenty years of rocking our worlds.

In less interesting news, Charlie Sheen might have decimated another hotel room but no details have come to light. Really. It's shameful all that talent going down the toilet.

TG and I are so intrigued by Hollywood news that we've decided to storm California in late July. We are going on The Shield Re-enactment Tour. Seriously, though, we'll take meetings, hang out in The Hills, be on The Hills, get Botox and do initial consultations for filler. TG and I are already spray tanning -- or at least I am. TG always is bronzed naturally, which is so unfair.

RIP, Nora Ephron.

*He usually just wants you to be his shrink and has sex with your roommate instead.