TG says he saw Ed Asner today at the hot dog cart on 86th Street. The vendor recognized him and Ed said, "Yeah, I'm Ed Asner but I've gotten spiritual. Can you make me one with everything?"
"What's new, fellow Oscar winner for Best Actress?"
5:15 pm, 12th and 7th Ave: Dish would know JA's adorable smooshy nose anywhere. DishFriends have had the sighting before and prepared me for Stick Figure Woman. She walked by and I whipped around to see the boney ass. This one had some junk in her trunk. It might not have been Joan Allen at all.
...is Lindsay Lohan back in the news again? Dish is perpetuating this but I don't understand. She's the most boring person on the planet. What is she doing now that's different from a year ago, i.e. drinking and getting fired from movies? It's been downhill since The Parent Trap.
Sandra adopted adorable Louis Bardo Bullock. What a cute photo. I'm happy for her, but think the timing is weird. We've felt bad for Sandra--not really sorry for her because she's tough, must have known what she married, and has mega-bucks. Having the baby wraps up the previous two months' horror in a nice bow. She won't be lonely now that she has Louis. I doubt it. This Jesse James catastrophe will take a while to get over during which she'll probably be a great mother--especially since she had kept this enormous secret for four months. I sort of think this cover of People should have waited maybe another month. But, whatever, good for her!
Dish is weeping at the keyboard. Tonight my favorite show Glee aired a new episode, but did I have time to watch? I was responsible and did work. Using her favorite term (other than "The hubris of modernity"), DM would call this "autopunition." It pays bills. 
Today, our dear Rog is 50 and the most well preserved of Duran Duran--officially. My feeling about Roger--because you're hanging on each word--he bored me at first with his shyness and gender specific hair but then I was 14. He had a good move now and then, i.e. His sober-eyed drum twirl in the video for "Girls on Film" indicated a highly evolved creature that resided on a cloud above the screeching girls. He left the band, and, truth be told, I didn't cry. After a few years, I missed him (tho "Notorious" drumming was excellent) and was elated when he returned. It made me realize how integral he was to the band, providing a peaceful balance (this based on perception and not reality. They might all fight like snakes).
Another unnamed actress (I'm wondering if it's Julianna Margulies) reported in today's Post that Steven Seagal used to harrass actresses during the filming of Out for Justice way back in the early 1990s. This is the movie where Seagal wore a French beret and spoke with a hilarious accent. The Seagal camp claims that this actress is bitter for not having a better career, which is kinda pot calling kettle black. Maybe SS could do Jenny Craig, which has breathed new life into Valerie Bertinelli. His camp also wonders why it took this actress twenty years to come forward. Ha! This was the time of Anita Hill, William Kennedy Smith, where you get skewered if you come forward against a powerful man. Asswipes.
I forgot to report Langdon met porn icon Ron Jeremy. My insides rebel when I hear of imperfect stars having sex and this one bangs often. But Langdon assured me that Ron has a special je-ne-sais-quoi that transcends the less-than-leading-man looks. Plus, there's his huge wang. Cleopatra was allegedly hideous with a massive honker. I remember being shocked that Justin Timberlake and Gene Simmons could be sex icons when one looks like a baby lemur and the other has brillo pad hair. Then I watched Family Jewels and was mesmerized. I get it now. Also if looks and personality don't exist, there's always money to float someone's boat (Hugh Hefner, Donald Trump, Paris Hilton, John Mayer, Snooki). Dish has tested this and the results are: you earn every penny if you're with someone who lacks je-ne-sais-quoi.
Happy Birthday to Barbra Streisand and Shirley MacLaine. I have Funny Girl and Sweet Charity ready to watch. Good thing TG not here to witness this Persephone marathon. I ate too much ice cream. Scotch is next.
That was evil. The truth is I'm now two degrees from Gale. My friend Langdon, the infectious (in a non-STD way) host of "Langdon Nation" (http://www.HotTalkLa.com) met Hal Sparks, which is almost like my meeting Gale. Langdon reports that Hal has the sexiest voice and was charming. But what about Gale???? Not to worry, Langdon mentioned to Hal that he (Langdon) had a friend (Dish) who liked Hal's (really, just Gale's) work (charisma, not necessarily work itself). Which is close. Yay, dream come true!
Watching 2012 and scared out of my wits. When the sh*t goes down, I'm ready for my cyanide pill. Escaping Armageddon is too much work. Flying to outer space would put me in a straightjacket. While the movie's story is cliche beyond words, the special effects are fantastic. It's nice we live in a world that allows Oliver Platt to take over as President. Finally.
Because it's fun. Kate Hudson got a boob job, though she didn't get porn jugs. My friend L, who hosts a popular radio show in LA, says plastic surgery is an investment everyone in Hollywood is expected to make. I enjoy the novelty of a flat-chested actress (Debra Messing, you're carrying the torch). I never even noticed Kate's boobs, just her sunny smile and infectious perkiness (just like her wonderful mama). Show biz boobs are everywhere, spilling over garments and flopping en route. As Julia says regarding breasstttss in Notting Hill, "What's the big deal?" Then again, if it makes her feel better, more power to her.
I'm obsessed with last night's episode of Glee, "The Power of Madonna." Hearing that music again gave me chills. It could be an actual fever but maybe it's Madonna's power coursing through my veins. Most important for me is the power of Jane Lynch. That woman "haunts my dreams."*
Who better to sex up and chew scenery on L&O: SVU than Sharon Stone? Love the hair, love the fake glasses, love everything. Will she cross her legs suggestively during questioning?
The first photos of Sandra have surfaced and, OMG, she's not wearing her wedding ring. I was also spotted without my signature hematite ring on my middle finger--prime for bird-flipping at paps--and I had a better excuse than a cheating husband. It broke in the effing shower.
Something tawdry lingers in the air, like when TGcat has had too much cheese. Maybe it's the Iceland volcano, whose ash released less poison this week than the number of airplanes that usually fly over. Hurry for the volcano!
Is Oxygen taking advantage of our renewed obsession with Sandra or is the network supporting her? Right now, her movies are playing back to back. I turned on for a second but one look at her face and I wanted to weep. I know she'll come through stronger than ever, but it's too soon for Dish.
It's enough that the Iceland ash disrupted normal travelers' schedules but the stars have been inconvenienced and this will not be tolerated. Poor John Cleese hired a cab to drive him from Norway to Belgium. The sad part of this is that Dish had to look at a world map because we thought Norway and Europe were separated by an ocean.
In an effort to abolish the mental image of Larry King having sex with his sister-in-law, Dish went back 100 years to watch New Moon, which is Romeo and Juliet with a little homoeroticism thrown in. Vampires trump werewolves and I felt bad for multi-talented Taylor Lautner. It boggles the mind that Bella, the most apathetic and depressed teenager, would warrant such fierce rivalry and desire. I say, give her some Zoloft and padlock her door. Of course, Robert Pattinson wins her affections. I couldn't take him seriously as a romantic hero because 1. I'm not 16 and 2. Someone stepped on his face. 3. he's wearing sparkling crimson lipstick. Then I remembered all the makeup Duran Duran wore, especially coral-gloss-wearing Nick Rhodes. Nothing has changed. I am officially old.
You can now become a fan of Dish Upon a Star. The page is fairly empty and ready for all your scathing or joy-filled comments on the stars. This site will gain momentum over the next few months as I read Blogging for Dummies REALLY FAST and brainstorm with Dishbrothersidekick, who is my true brain.
Dish went to get cut/dyed and now looks fabulous. JJ and I discussed all the important things of life:
Girls, don't swarm them all at once:
Ah, Jon Voight. Not only does he alienate his children, go on TV to cry about Angelina, support Giuliani for President, now he's calling Obama a rapist. I'd ignore JV, but...but...okay, let's ignore him. Girlfriend hasn't done anything in ages. Why not cry rape? Jackass!
Several sites report that Steven Seagal kept sex slaves during the filming of Lawman and now he's being sued. There are too many jokes I could make, so I'll refrain. This Glimmer Man is Under Seige because he has too much Fire Down Below and feels that he's Above the Law. Let's hope the ensuing prison time doesn't render him Marked for Death. That would give him a pain in the Exit Wounds!
Upsie dupsies, Liz Taylor is NOT engaged again. You'd think she would have stopped after five. Of course, some of us haven't even had one. Violet-eyed b*tch! (Just kidding--I really am afraid of Virginia Woolf).
Soon we'll have proof that sweet National Velvet star Elizabeth Taylor has had sex nine times since she'll take on her ninth husband. Though as we know from The Tudors, Jonathan Rhys Meyers didn't have sex with wife Joss Stone and their marriage was annulled. Love transcends age but I wonder how much a 49 y.o. man has in common with a 79 y.o. starlet (mama). I know: He thinks she's FABULOUS! Isn't Liz in a wheelchair, at death's door, in constant neck pain? This scenario seems awfully familiar, like when Liza Minelli married David Guest. If I were in so much pain, I'm not sure I'd want to engage in bedroom acrobatics. But what better fun than to marry a gay man, someone who adored you? If I had gobs of money and fame, I'd love to support his hopes/dreams and give him the rush of happiness that comes from being married to an icon. I would marry Cher in a heartbeat, and not just for her money.
Dixie Carter, most famously of Designing Women, died yesterday at age 70. What's happening? Maybe Dish is at the age where everyone is dying. DC was far too young. I hope she and the President of Poland are doing a polka and discussing the hideous drapes up in heaven.
Today is a day of deep mourning for the President of Poland. Let it also be a day of celebration as Steven Seagal turns 58. Happy birthday to my favorite bloated action star/spiritual guru! I'll rejoice with this Steven mantra from Fire Down Below:
President of Poland Lech Kaczynski died this morning in a plane crash in Western Russia. TG did some research, finding out they flew in a crappy plane in the fog. How stupid and preventable is that? Hello, JFK, jr. anyone? In theory, public servants should receive just as bad air service as the little people, but c'mon now. Many noteworthy people in Poland died in this crash. It seems suspicious to me--at the very least, a needless tragedy. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to play Russian roulette with traffic on 7th Avenue.
Let's keep count: Jesse James, Tiger Woods, Tiki Barber. Now Actress Garcelle Beauvais-Nilon (I'm not sure who she is either but she's gorgeous) claims her husband cheated and just announced it on the Internets. Good for her! These wives are making it so hard, though. Tons of women cheat but where is the equal coverage? The trailer for Sex and the City 2 implies Carrie will cheat on Big with Aidan. I smell writers who can't find anything else to do for this franchise. It's a little like SNL after Tina Fey left. I can't wait to see the flick, will count the number of times the girls squeal and set off to a foreign country. More cheating: one of the Gossip Girls allegedly stepped out on Ed Westwick and he dumped her. No marriage and children involved but it's still serious.
Instead of the Housewives of NYC, Dish will experience more cultural cattiness tonight. Going to see The Magic Flute (The Magic Fruit) at the Met. I'll pass where Nic Cage and Cher met at the fountain in Moonstruck. The challenge will be: sitting still for 186 minutes. Luckily, it's in the dark and I can create sordid intrigues in my head. Dish once got a tour of the Met's bowels, learned that one tenor used the area to fornicate with lowly damsels when he wasn't on stage. Tonight, like Julia and Cher, I'll be touched by the music and an errant tear will makes its way down my soft cheek.
Only the majesty of Sean Hayes could drive Dish to a musical. He was amazing on stage, convincing me that he was no longer Jack McFarland. I even believed he was straight and in love with Kristin Chenoweth. Sadly, the music in this "musical" is deadly dull. I expected more from Burt Bacharach. The dancing and performances were solid but no one could overcome the material. Chenoweth had far too many depressing ballads, to the point where an overdose of sleeping pills seemed a logical solution to her quandary. Katie Finneran as "Marge" stole the show and had great chemistry with Hayes. I would have rather the show be all about them. It's a shame: The Apartment is adorable. 
Ex-football star Tiki Barber pulled a Billy Crudup (+ nuptuals and children) and left his pregnant wife for, yawn, his 23 y.o. sweetheart. It's understandable. When Dish was 23, she really cared about things: like seeing if Keanu Reeves would come visit me in New Mexico, how to starch shirts, and aerobics. Tiki needed a change.
At last night's performance of Promises, Promises. We were separated by three seats. I wanted to reach over and pinch him. Instead, I found excuses to stare at John Michael Higgins. "Oh, TG, look at the chandelier." "TG, I wonder who else is here." "I have to stretch my long, elegant neck, especially to my right side." Dish tried to eavesdrop but, alas, no nuggets were acquired. He does have a booming laugh.
It's like an epidemic! I'm not sure how I'll handle this one. Jim and Jenny seemed so perfect together but after five years, they've bid adieu to their relaysh.
The news was like a fist to the stomach. Audrina Partridge and Ryan Cabrera split up. When the plane landed, they were totally cool but then they were like fighting and got separate hotel rooms. Whatever happened to sleeping on the couch and making up at dawn when you realize you couldn't sleep because you had a crick in your neck and missed the person sleeping in the bed? Audrina is the one with the vacant stare on The Hills. Oh, that's not enough? She's the brunette. I think Cabrera is a musician, but I knew him when he was dating Ashlee Simpson, Jessica Simpson's forgettable sister who is now married to a forgettable musician. The sad thing--like the elephant, Dish never forgets!
I'm starting to lose hope in celebrities but Sandra and Elin carry the torch for me. Elin isn't attending the Masters. While the media says her presence would be a distraction for precious wittle Tiger, Dish feels she blew it off because golf is super-boring to watch. 
I have to wonder: Where will the next scandal come from? These days, it's all about what cheating/abusive spouses are doing. Bruce Springsteen is allegedly involved in a couple's divorce, Tiger Woods returned to golf but his wife is not by his side (good for her!), Charlie Sheen will return to his show (needs $$$) and Jesse James left rehab after v. little time (I guess he's all better now). We need examples of great spouses, don't we?
To celebrate the coming of the Lord and the overflowing river of chocolate rabbits, Dish watched The Ten Commandments. Before the viewing, TG explained the story of Moses: He was born and shoved off in a basket. A woman like Angelina Jolie took him in a raised him. Many years later, Moses had a huge identity crisis and went to the mountain. He heard God, which was totally inspiring (like Tony Robbins), and went back to Pharaoh to tell him to heed God's Word. Pharaoh said, "Eff off!" All these plagues came and each time, Pharaoh told Moses to go eff himself. Somehow, Moses overcame and got a lifetime NRA membership. All Dish sees in this flick is bad acting, except for Yul Brynner, who is amazing. What a jewel. TG doesn't know this yet, but we're naming our first-born Yul Simon.
A wave of despair hit me when I heard the news that John Forsythe died. Immediately, I reached for the table to hold myself up. Now that's a real star. No one can top the mundane but honey-voiced Blake Carrington, the original silver fox who banged Joan Collins and Linda Evans on Dynasty. He wore long cardigans like no one else. Before that, he was the voice on the intercom on Charlie's Angels. Blessings on his coming and going.
Because he parked his car in too many garages, Jesse James is in rehab, which shocks me. I suspect he won't do the reality show route afterwards, but what is the rehab for? Maybe a bigger dating pool. Just think, you're in the same house with like-minded pervs and junkies. Rehab is Candyland (though some people really do work the program--but Dish is suspicious of the stars!). Plus, you get to talk ENDLESSLY about yourself, which I imagine celebs love (I know I do, about myself naturally).
