It's Important to Look Pretty When You Cry

I have a friend who looks terrible when he/she cries. I don't say anything and just wait it out. When I cry, I make sure that my face doesn't move too much. I also swallow my sorrow as much as possible so that I only have those romantic tears rolling down my face, like Meryl Streep. Good thing no one saw me this morning wracked with agonized sobs all the way through Hope Springs starring Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. Watch it not only for the geezer sex but also for the repressed lady fashions and stellar weeping.

It's sad enough when a normal person doesn't cry pretty but when a star looks bad crying, it's like 12/21/12 end of the world. I'm talking to you, Laura Dern, Diane Keaton, Kim Kardashian...and LeAnn Rimes. This last one gives an interview--airing Sunday on E!--where she sobs about having an affair on her first husband with her current husband. LeAnn is very pretty, but when she cries in this interview, her eyes twitch unevenly, those giant nostrils contract, but no real tears spew forth. This makes me suspicious that it could be fake. As a singer, she can easily make the voice wobble. If LeAnn is going to play out her life in public, she needs to learn how to cry. Watch Julia, Meryl and Demi Moore as much as possible. Only boys fake cry. I'm talking to you, Ed Harris in Stepmom.

I've never fake cried--okay once, but it turned into real cry because it was so pathetic. At least I'm sort of gorgeous when I cry.*

*Not a word, Dishfamily.

Unnecessary Death

It's hard to predict what will send someone over the edge, but the Australian DJs who pulled the "royal prank" certainly picked the wrong woman. The fact is that this prank was stupid yet successful and the DJs got a lot of attention. Restraining that urge to break rules would put most entertainers out of business and I'm sure the DJs had no idea what their actions would cause. They simply called the hospital, impersonating royalty in order to get info on Kate and her condition, then aired their victory. It must not have dawned on them that their prank could get staff fired, ruin a livelihood, destroy a family forever, compromise a person's health/security or simply be someone's "last straw." A nurse who was one of the hoax victims committed suicide (allegedly but probably) a day later. This is just so tragic--that Jacintha Saldanha, the "excellent nurse" who probably did more good for the world than the DJs, would let this joke affect her. It is so easy to be audacious without thinking of the consequences (hear that, Imus?). It happens every day--like the kid who killed himself after his roommate secretly filmed him and blasted him on twitter. Some people just want to do their jobs and live under the radar. This death makes me so sad. The lesson in this might stick for about a month, but then the lure of being outrageous/famous for two seconds will be too great. No doubt, the two pranksters will become more famous and get book deals to detail their hardships.

Star Spotting--Christine Quinn!!!

1:14pm at Plein Sud in Tribeca. Dish was scarfing down bread loaded with butter when someone said, "Oh, there's Christine Quinn." I whipped around to see the woman herself, wearing an awesome suit, headed toward a corner table. All I really know about her is that she's a politician and a lesbian...and a celebrity! Ergo I love her. She looked nice. I hope her meal was better than mine...

I don't think I've gone a day without hearing about how method Daniel Day Lewis is. Grrrr. One of these days, I have to see Lincoln even though my intestines gurgle at the thought. On a more cheerful note, Emily Maynard has been cast on Dancing with the Stars, which confirms her fame-whoring ways.Who the hell wants to be an anonymous single mom in Charlotte when you can be on TV? Right there with ya, Ems!

Kate Middleton was discharged from hospital. Pictures show her smiling next to her dashing balding husband. No yakking, but it's only a matter of time before it's caught on camera. Dish is obsessed.

Here's Why You Should Never Peak Too Early

Olivia Newton John and John Travolta kill the dream of Gen-Xers everywhere with this pile of sh*t. I mean, do they think we're morons? It's not even cute. It's just stupid and insulting. What's with the soul patch and severe horrible chia pet pate on your head, JT? How did Olivia lower herself for this drek that I could have filmed on my iPad? This is so upsetting to me. Christmas sucks now.

Some good things: Dish is going to see Jersey Boys again! I've worked for the same place for 15 years and I'm getting extra dinero which will fund my Row 2 on December 19th. Who Loves You! And my fave Beverly Hills Housewife Brandi Glanville dissed LeAnn Rimes for letting her son accidentally eat her laxatives. Ugh...This smells so ugly. Dish has always been on Team Brandi. I'd totally be her BFF.


If you haven't heard enough about Emily Maynard, get ready for her stint on Dancing with the Stars. I'm done with her, though. Picked the wrong guy, rumors she was a big diva.

Okay! Off to Lily White's Party.

I'm Ready for My Botox

Dish had her first procedure yesterday, the most serious since wisdom teeth extraction 1993. Yes, my derm froze off a patch of sun-damaged skin on my cheek. I showed off the hideous scab to random neighbor in elevator and he said, "I don't know what to say." Say that it's awesome! Derm was so nice and I hinted that I might get Botox, but he didn't take up the thread of conversation. You'd think he wanted me out the door fast. Hey, buddy, it's not everyone who gets to see me in my underpants! Maybe in 1996 and 2005...

Everyone's talking about Kate's pregnancy. Because I want to give the royal couple their privacy, I won't say another word--except that I now know so much about that Hideous Gravarium condition aka Yakking- Constantly-Due-to-Bun-in-the-Oven-itis. They're even speculating about twins--Gaggus Majoris!

Rob Kardashian barely got his sh*t together to start a sock line, but he did find the time to call his ex a whore on twitter. Wasn't he supposed to go to law school?


And now I shall retire to focus on my enviable state--the need to gain 6 pounds. The sound of my bones scraping together, not cool. Thank the lords, it's raining corn muffins and vanilla lattes!!!

Princess Kate Is Yakking Her Brains Out!

Poor Katie-kins! When Dish thinks of hell, this is what it looks like: being so sick from yakking that one needs hospitalization. The next circle of hell is seeing all the comments from sympathizers with remedies for Kate Middleton's morning sickness. If her yakking hadn't been so severe, she might have waited to spew the news of the growing royal. According to commenters, the child could be a girl or a boy--based on the fact that she has morning sickness. Get well soon, KM!

And big congratulations to the royal couple!

I completely forgot...

...to think of celebrities today. Okay, so maybe I'm watching Patti LuPone in LBJ: The Early Years and working on a cat puzzle ($5.99 at Duane Reade). Who knew LBJ was such a historic figure...and a dick! I had such a crush on him growing up...

Welcome to The Asylum!

I would totally let Jessica Lange cane me--which she does so splendidly as the evil nun in a mental institution circa 1964 on FX's American Horror Story. I'm so into the reusing of last season's characters as it's kinda reincarnationey. My one beef with Ryan Murphy is that he tends to push agendas till your head smarts. He chose a great setting for this--1964--when so many tired structures were slowly being dismantled. Though, I wonder where feminism is in this season--aside from the lesbians. He covers homosexuality, religious fascism, unorthodox "cures" in psychiatry, sexuality, racism, women mostly in their sexual roles as either whores, nuns or lesbians. His divine casting, though, makes up for this. There is a lot of love for great actresses on this show.

Two weddings happened today and they will both be on television! Ashley Hebert married JP and Mario Lopez married his baby-mama. Then in even better news, Hugh Hefner is marrying Crystal Harris, the babe who jilted him at the altar five days before last year. I felt so bad for Hef. Lucky for him, she probably ran out of money while trying to be independent and came crawling back. Or maybe it's love.