How Could I Forget Sean Young?

No one should! At an Oscar party, Sean got herself arrested for smacking a guard. She keeps us all entertained and never leaves a dull moment in her wake. One could see her drunkenness and downward spiral as sad, but Sean Young is Sean Young. She will show up in a catsuit to aggressively try to get cast as The Catwoman (she would have been great!). If she doesn't like something, she says so. And who are you to stand in her way? How brilliant was she in Wall Street, Bladerunner and that James Wood movie? Sure, she hasn't done much since and no one really wants to work with her. If Sean feels like smacking a guard, she won't dial it down to please the masses.

But...I wish that she could find one kernel of sanity because I miss her on screen so very much.

We Love You, Davy Jones!!!

Dish-Crush-From-Childhood Davy Jones reportedly died of a heart attack this morning. Say it ain't so! And why did that whore Marsha get to have all the fun? Rest in Peace, you adorable daydream believer who made a better world for us...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fRNFus7Pbp4.

Mildred Pierce in Floral and Snooki in Maternity!

Dish finally got around to watching the updated Mildred Pierce and will risk J.J.'s wrath: It's boring as sh*t! Don't get me wrong, I adore how Kate Winslet stoops to convey a down-beat broad trying to make a buck. I do the same. The floral dresses, well, they just hit too close to home circa 1994 for me. Add my grandmother's hairdo and no makeup and Kate Winslet still cannot hide her gorgeousness. For me, Mildred demands a "handsome" actress. By this I mean someone who could pass as a man if given the right lighting. Glenn Close, Uma Thurman, Anjelica Huston, a couple of the Housewives, you know, someone a little she-he. Please don't send me hate mail. I have three more eps to go.

My husband doesn't know this yet. It will hurt him, as would news that one's little girl was deflowered by the grimy captain of the wrestling team. Snooki is knocked up! It's such a normal and expected thing to happen but still. Are you okay, honey? Baby's grown up now. Hiccup!

Jennifer Garner Has Popped!

Doesn't Jennifer make pregnancy seem so effortless? She always looks happy and enthusiastic. I saw her on Broadway in Cyrano and she was an utter delight, as sparkling on stage as on screen. The show itself was mediocre but I love her overall and wish I could summon her on occasion. Congratulations, JG, for having a boy!

Another mother but far more controversial, that Angelina has made waves for flashing her leg. Are we in the dark ages? She's being criticized for the pose but I feel brain damaged because I don't get the big deal. We saw her naked in Gia so what else could possibly shock us? I loved the flash of leg. That's what slits in dresses are for!!!

The Bachelor spoiler: Finally arrived the most offensive episode for us Dish Prudes: The F*ck Room Fantasy Suite episode where they can spend the rest of the evening boinking like rabbits who just got out of prison getting to know each other better. Do the last three contestants get tested for STDs before TFS? I knew the plumper girl (by plumper I mean the normal sized and beautiful) would get sent home. Then in a fake-surprise encounter, Kacie B. flew all the way to Switzerland only to get the door shut in her face again by Ben. Her frown lines have grown Muppet deep and I wonder if Ben sucked the happiness out of her. Poor Kacie B. She deserves so much better.

Desperate Housewives alum Nicollette Sheridan went to court against Marc Cherry who allegedly smacked her on the set then killed her off the show. They basically hired Vanessa Williams to take her place. You need a "slutty one" in every show and it's a great gig. But I'm sure Nico can do better than DH, which has gone downhill since she left.

Natalie Portman seems to have married her balletman. I'm doing deep knee bends and pirouettes in their honor. No furniture was harmed.

"I Didn't Do It on Purpose. Tee Hee."

Maybe J.Lo's nipple likes to travel. Anyway, that's what I remembered from last night's Oscars. In my haze, somewhere in the middle, my eyes alit on these globes, this sparkling dress, and the globes again. Off to the side, peeking over as if to say, "I'm here too!!" was her nipple. And now everyone's talking about it. She did it with Diddy, she did it today. Dangerous booby dress by J.Lo! Love her and good night.

Just kidding. Of course, Billy Crystal was a delight. I figured out why he's the only one who can host the Oscars. He appeals to every demographic unlike his predecessors. He is classic, often classy and rolls with the punches. Billy never really offends but tweaks you just enough and pulls away. We need nostalgia badly and he brought it back. The opening was anticlimactic for Dish only because the hosts after him did the same thing. But I'll take Billy. He should do the Oscars forever.

There were no surprises in award winners--Yay, THE ARTIST!--so I must react to the fashions:

Viola Davis needed a wig/shaping or a different dress but she is so damn pretty it doesn't matter.

Meryl finally wore something glamorous.

Angelina looked great in that black dress instead of the funeral dresses she tends to prefer. She's been gorgeous this season.

Brad Pitt and Jessica Chastain needed better hair. Hair was a big problem more than dresses this season.

Rose Byrne: gorgeous girl, bad Anna Wintour bob that is so off-putting, the kind of hair only an arch-nemesis would have.

Sandra Bullock has had something facially done but I still love her (not that blousy branch dress). Even TG noticed she didn't look like Sandra. You gotta invest in the face, especially if you're a Hollywood actress. My feeling is that when you've had face work, just hide it with some poof. I did just this when I accidentally shaved a side of my head. I cut a strand and taped it to my bald spot, a middle-schooler's weave, if you will. This was not recent.

Adored Rooney Mara's look though she seemed snarky during interviews. Like she's so over it all.

Emma Stone looked willowy and buzzed young happy. Did she have to hide her neck? Maybe Dish's swan neck makes her think everyone has one as elegant. It is just not so.

I'm not a fan of white against blond unless LOTS of shimmer so back to the drawing board Gwyneth and Cameron. J.Lo stole their thunder with those tatas wanting to burst free and see America.

Cirque du Soleil: Take that, Debbie Allen!!!

Today I went trolling for afterparty scandal and only found a picture of Jessica Chastain and our favorite newly-rehabbed lady-killer Gerard Butler. Don't do it, Jessica. Then again, redheads never have more fun (it's a myth) so have at it and continue acting your heart out, you fierce Gingie!

Gerard Butler--Out of Rehab and Ready to Rock!

Since Dracula 2000, I've wanted this dude to succeed but the rom-coms just don't do it for me (sorta loved P.S. I Love You, though!). I knew Gerard had battled the booze so when I saw him on a talk show telling of the joys of Ambien, I thought, Uh Oh, it's only a matter of time. Pills and booze, kinda intertwined. Let him romance the ladies, instead. But hurrah! Our fearless lad has sought treatment and now, may he defeat those awful Athenians and dine in hell! And by that, I mean act his butt off in the hallowed halls of Hollywood!

The Roast of William Shatner...

...is really funny for the first ten minutes, especially thanks to the late Greg Giraldo and Artie Lang who made us pee a little. But then, as often with roasts, it became mean and unfunny, like with all the Farrah Fawcett jokes and how most of the people on stage were popular 30 years ago. The late Fawcett took the barbs well, but I felt bad for her and for some other incredibly unfunny people who tried too hard. Maybe I'm too nice. But how often can you laugh about William Shatner being fat and weird? Or about the fact that George Takei is Japanese and gay, which of course means he's a pedophile? I don't really like roasts but Giraldo was hilarious and delivered supremely un-PC jokes beautifully.

There were a few corpses and soon-to-be on the stage, which made it eerie. But TG and I were desperate for something fun to watch. We loved Lisa Lampanelli. She's funny, appreciates her colleagues, and is a good sport.

Tonight's Oskahs

Dish has been under the weather with the Celine Dion virus for several days now so I can't put in as much alcohol energy as I want into tonight's Oscars. But there are a few items that make me violent:

1. If The Help wins Best Picture, I will never ever watch the Oscars again. It was boring (but had some great performances by Viola Davis and Jessica Chastain). This would be the politically correct choice, which the Academy often goes with and it's Steel Magnolia-esque, but the pacing is WAY off. Read the book instead.

2. If The Descendants wins Best Picture, my cynicism will be unmanageable. Again, Dish had a pacing issue with this one. Performances were good, Clooney was good but Michael Clayton was his shining star, not this.

3. The Best Actor/Actress: I want Jean DuJardin to win. He did something so wonderful--and different--on screen, aside from the usual reacting to catastrophic event and picking up the pieces crap. For Best Actress, I'd be happy with any of these babes: Meryl, Michelle, Viola. They were fantastic.

4. The Tree of Life has to win something. It was the most visually stunning movie last year and would be amazing to watch while stoned.

This may be sinful but I'm going to DVR the event since I can't stay up late to watch to the end. Monday I'll take a vow of no-Internets so that I can see who wins. Do you think Billy Crystal will be amazing or anti-climactic?