More Stars Smoke Doobies!!!

Poor Jennifer Lawrence--She's feisty, trips up stairs, wins an Oscar, dyes her hair black, wears no makeup for even a second, and smokes what looks like a join in Hawaii. What's next? She is the new star to follow constantly. So help me, if I wind up in a bathroom stall next to hers, I will spill!

The press is catching every frame of Kim's expanding body mass during pregnancy. I've never liked her more! The Kardashians do make a strong case for being a healthy weight. No lollipops there. Though I think we're all pretty sick of them. Not even the sex picture of her and Kanye raises my non-existent eyebrow.

Other than this, nothing going on. I'm wearing dots again. Trying out pink eyeshadow. Liking it. Snowball earrings. My pants are too short.

Breakups and Babies!

I liked the pairing of Rachel McAdams and Michael Sheen (who had a baby with Kate Beckinsale) so their recent breakup makes me wonder where we're headed as a society. They could have made The Notebook II. Now he might have to go back to playing Tony Blair forever. She'll take over where Jennifer Garner has left off. I don't like it.

Today Perez Hilton announced that he is a dad. I bet he'll be great at it--said with absolutely no WASP sarcasm. He's smart, has resources and seems to have a moral compass. Again, no sarcasm. I really mean it.

The best part about today--other than clean laundry, covert purchase of another Jersey Boys ticket and secret eating of mini-Rittersport and hiding evidence before TG could see it--is that Duran Duran's John Taylor now has dual citizenship, i.e. he and I are both Americans. I will now speak with a British accent!

TG is eating tripe soup. Major ewwww. Do all boys eat like that?

Deep Musings Over Anne Hathaway Bashing

She was so much easier to deal with as a Disney princess, or when Meryl Streep dressed her down in The Devil Wears Prada, when Jake cheated on her in Brokeback Mountain, as the poor bridal BFF to fabulous Kate Hudson in Bride Wars. But now, with her recent acty performances, her marvelous shrinking body and that Winona-little-boy haircut, and, dear god, articulate and rehearsed award acceptance speeches. Well, screw her!!! Now the rags are saying that she practiced her acceptance speech so we would like her more. Failure, Anne Hathaway! You're supposed to act completely shocked, say Oh My God a few times, blubber, try to catch your breath and forget to thank a bazillion people, including your new husband. My advice: another crotch flash, blow some spit bubbles and say 1/2 the words you need. Get a weave because the short hair makes it worse. Go far away from Hugh Jackson, too, because you're making the rest of us completely jealous. We all want to jump on a trampoline and sing show tunes with Hugh all day long--and she didn't have to try!!!

But seriously, Dish saw Anne on panel and instantly became imaginary best friends with her. She's pretty cool.

The best news today--mostly for TG--is that Andy Dick is going to be on Dancing with the Stars. This is a huge risk for the franchise. Big mistake. Huge.

In sadness, Michelle Williams and Jason Segel broke up. 

Oscar Hangover

So, I enjoyed Seth MacFarlane though I have the feeling everyone else hated him. I can't bear to read the reviews. Dish fell asleep artificially toward the end, but managed to form some opinions:

Ugliest dress: Halle Berry, Jennifer Aniston--and boring!
Most ridiculous hair: Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Garner, Kristen Stewart. They didn't even try.
Best breasts: Brandi Glanville
Healthiest looking: Jessica Chastain--because she looks so much like me; Jane F*cking Fonda
Most boring speech: Chris Wa.... from the Tarentino movie. Mostly because I felt the others were robbed. He already got one!
Most awkward presenter banter: Paul Rudd/Melissa McCarthy
Biggest upset: Chris Wa...., Anne Hathaway's nipples
Plastic surgery award: Jennifer Garner's lips
Drunkest: Ben Affleck, though I think he was stoned. Or just sweaty due to hideous facial hair.
Most embarrassing speech: Kind of the long opening--which could have been shaved down to 10 minutes.
Best speech: Daniel Day Lewis
The hottest mess: The bloated atonal muppet that is Russell Crowe, Amy Adams--her hair was f*cked, but loved her dress and that she admitted her nervousness. Of course, J-Lawr tripping on the stairs wasn't a new ballet step, but if anyone can deal with it, she can. As always, William Shatner is a hot mess.
Who was robbed: I'm told Tommy Lee Jones.
Just plain sad: George Clooney's ugly, ugly beard (the one on his face)
Most touching moment: Ben Affleck winning for Argo
Sublime: Charlize dancing with Channing Tatum

The Bachelor just sent sad-sack home, though she handled it well. No ugly limo crying. Now he has to choose between Airhead and Sex-kitten.

FYI--TG is being a gigantic, flaming pustule producing asshole. Yup.

Dish's Oscar Picks!

I tend to pick all the wrong films, but here goes!

Supporting Actor: Tommy Lee Jones (though I loved Robert De Niro in Silver Lining Playbook more)Supporting Actress: Anne Hathaway
Animated Feature: Frankenweenie
Cinematography: Life of Pi (I don't know)
Costume Design: Anna Karenina (Les Mis was all raggy)
Directing: Lincoln, though could be Silver Linings Playbook as dark horse
Documentary Feature: The Invisible War. I want this one to win.
Documentary Short: Mondays at Racine
Film Editing: Argo
Foreign Language: Amour
Makeup and Hairstyling: Hitchcock
Music (Original Score): Argo (not the foggiest)
Production Design: The Hobbit
Animated Short: The Paperman
Short Live Action: Curfew
Sound Editing: Life of Pi
Sound Mixing: Les Miserables
Visual Effects: Life of Pi
Writing (Adapted Screenplay): Argo
Writing (Original): Moonrise Kingdom

Best Actor: Daniel Day Lewis
Best Actress: Jessica Chastain (I always vote for the Gingie, plus this is the pretty award--Naomi could take it, too). Oh I forgot, Jennifer Lawrence is getting tons of buzz now so she could win, but I'll stick with Jessica. Though if Jennifer won, I wonder if it would piss off Kristen Stewart. Dish is so mean!!!
Best Picture: Argo

But here are the most important awards:

Ugliest dress:
Most ridiculous hair:
Best breasts:
Healthiest looking:
Most boring speech:
Most awkward presenter banter:
Biggest upset:
Plastic surgery award:
Drunkest:
Most embarrassing speech:
Best speech:
The hottest mess:
Who was robbed:
Just plain sad:
Most touching moment:

The Apocalypse Is Near

Another sort of shocking Hollywood split: Diane Lane and Josh Brolin. My Dish-vibe tells me--based purely on excessive sniffing of tea tree oil and vapor analysis--their marriage might have been tumultuous. She seems like a delicate flower. He's a bad boy, mind-numbingly good actor. Of course, he's going to blow that to hell, though I hope he doesn't. Diane Lane will continue being sweet and amazing.

This weekend is devoted to Oscar. Sure, I'll spend time looking in the mirror and wondering how to transform into Jessica Chastain. If I tape up the sides of my face and hide the flaps under my hair, no one will see the difference. And then I just throw on a gown and act awkward and modest--there. I am she.

Hilariousness from Michelle Obama and Jimmy Fallon.

I'm in Heaven Because...

...I'm seeing Barry Manilow in concert tonight. That is all.

(TG accidentally bought the entire season of American Horror Story when I already have it. Tee hee)

TG's Super Secret Celebrity Crushes

He's going to kill me for outing him but he's making me watch American Horror Story. Given my penchant for celebrity obsession, of course, I needed to take inventory of TG's star habits. He is the ultimate gentleman, opens doors for me, cooks me dinner, gets nervous over *my* challenging moments, tells me often I'm pretty. I know he adores me, but does the great TG have celebrity crushes? Yes, though he would never admit to such frivolity. Here they are--from my observations:

Sarah Silverman: She makes him belly laugh like no one else except for maybe his brother. I get it.

Sofia Vergara: She's so stacked. I don't blame him. I'm a little in love with her too.

Pepper from American Horror Story: Whoever plays her is mucho talented, plus there's the proximity to La Lange.

Connie Britton from American Horror Story: This one hurts. She's amazing.

Reza from Shahs of Sunset: I also can't look away when he's talking. He's a god.