Angelina Jolie Leaves Me Speechless

Okay, now I'm on Team Jolie (and Team Aniston). Today, it's all Jolie. You go, girl!

Baba Is Retiring

It's hard to believe that Barbara Walters is retiring. Maybe she and Oprah can sit by the pool and get sloshed on mojitos and do a new show together, Boprah. I want to hear drunken lady talk about who they've slept with, certainly not interesting people they've interviewed or charitable causes they've supported.

Speaking of ladies, one of my girl crushes, Jane Lynch, is on Broadway as Miss Hannigan in Annie. I had no intention of seeing this one, but now, I must. I just hope the tickets don't cut into my Jersey Boys budget.

A fond farewell to Dr. Joyce Brothers, who I always mixed up with Dinah Shore. They've got that same blond wave.


Smash (spoiler): I'm sort of waiting for the unthinkable to happen, like maybe Debra Messing makes out with the last person she should be with, the Simon Cowell guy. Don't think the chemistry's working with Jessie Martin (though I adore him). He and Ivy are so over even though she's preggers.

TG and I are going to France...

Happy Mother's Day!!!

A special Mother's Day greeting to my mother, who is my sunshine. Other than that unconditional love thing, here are some valuable lessons I've learned from my mom:

Mayonnaise is important.

Putting butter on bacon is delicious but make sure no one sees you doing it!

It's possible to give up an addiction without telling everyone about it.*

Work hard, even if you have pneumonia. Okay, maybe not if you have pneumonia.

Laugh at funny men. (Jack Nicholson, Jim Carrey, everyone in The 40-Year-Old Virgin)

Get manicures/pedicures often and tell your manicurist how the reason why your nails look bad is because you work so much in the garden.

When in doubt, soak all food in butter.

If too much Chardonnay makes you vomit, blame it on the grapes and switch to Pinot Grigio.

Wearing black is always a Martha Stewart good thing.

Mayonnaise, yogurt, and mustard make a scrumptious topping for any casserole (oh, wait, that's just me)

Get the hell off your couch and go for a walk.

When your child seems a little anorexic, order something for yourself and then shovel most of it onto her plate.

Try to see the good in people, or appear to, and let your children learn from their own mistakes.

If you have the chance for someone to play you in a movie, choose Meryl Streep--I mean, Demi Moore.

Support women, unless they're jerks.

Ignore jerks as they are usually inconsequential.


Throw parties. Lots of them.

People can surprise you. Don't abandon your faith in them.

You can be quiet about some things, but fight to the death for worthy causes.

5 minutes of calisthenics is just fine.

Visit people.

Fried oysters are the best thing on the menu.

And most importantly, always look on the bright side of your life.

Thanks, Mamala!!!

*Mom quit butts through acupuncture and didn't whine about how hard it was. I quit butts cold turkey and whined about it for a year. Another lesson: Don't be such a whiner.

Even Stars Bonk Their Heads

Did you read the headlines? Kanye bumped his head on a sign, you know, the way real people do. Then he threw a hissy at the paps, probably for distracting him. I am going to do the same thing the next time I fall up a flight of stairs. It's not me so much as other people making me klutzy, sort of like when I try to psych TG out while he's trying to do yoga (he can't do it).

Other than this, the only other news aside from global conflict, climate change, and the economy is that Lindsay's Adderall is being taken away at Betty Ford. I'm not sure if it's true. Aren't you supposed to go cold turkey on everything? Poor girl. She should probably be there for a year. It's not as if the world is missing great work by her being on the inside.

Still watching Army Wives--thinking that Kim Delaney has to be the most beautiful woman in the world. I remember when she played Jenny on All My Children and how wounded I felt when she died. It was as if someone I loved had been taken from me.

Sam is watching Arrested Development and now wants Will Arnett to play him in the movie version of my book.

I Can't Stop Watching "Army Wives"!

It's my cousin's fault for suggesting this excellent series that takes place on an army post, where wives get together, bond, drink wine and name their lady parts. My weekend is chock-full.

This morning I began with Taken 2. You know something? 60-something action heroes rule! Even though he's wearing skunk fur on his head, Liam Neeson is bad ass.

I end with the trailer for August: Osage County. My verdict: Julia tries really hard to be a normal person but sorry, FAILURE. She is as perfect and gorgeous as ever (and Meryl does some fab scenery chewing!).

Looking for reviews of The Great Gatsby. Have the feeling it's bleh. Tobey and Leo, really? I like them in certain projects, like Cider House Rules and The Departed respectively. I don't see how they could outshine Sam Waterston and Robert Redford. I just don't, not even with Baz's pomp and circumstance. Did like his Romeo & Juliet, though.

I Dropped an Ativan Down My Bra During Jersey Boys

Trapped between Typhoid Ted and two nice people close to death, I knew I'd get jittery by "Opus 17." It takes lot of effort to dodge coughing fits and seek alternate routes should Grim Reaper start singing "Oh what a night..." Dish flees in a crisis. I put off medicating until right before "Too Good to Be True" when the fidgets got too Sybil, even for me. I deftly reached into my purse, brought out my First Aid Kit, and oh-so gingerly pulled out the little white speck. The minute I put it up to my mouth it dropped into the abyss. I started laughing, thinking, Thanks, Universe. Message received. So I closed my eyes and just listened, felt so much better naturally because of that fabulous song.

More drama from the Met Gala. Gwyneth Paltrow didn't like it and now we hate her even more. Imagine, a costume party that's not FUN. Can I go in her place next year? And also, now that Randy Jackson is leaving Idol at the end of the year, I'm volunteering to replace him, with all my years of experience. Oh no, wait. I can't sit with Nicki Minaj. Mariah, yes.


Allegedly, Real Housewives of NYC have threatened to walk if they don't get gigantic paychecks. I say, Andy Cohen, drop this particular cast immediately. This past season was a big fat snore. (I'll be a housewife for free--plus 100K
...)

And Justice for Most

Trying not to read too much about the whole Cleveland kidnapping thing but it always makes me happy when victims emerge safe and sound. And the verdict came down for Jodi Arias, guilty of first degree murder. Stabbing her ex-lover 29 times? Isn't 15 enough? I'm waiting for this episode of Snapped.

In sad news, a legend has passed on: Jeanne Cooper of The Young and the Restless.

TG and I have started our campaign to promote my book. TG is way more skilled at this. I mean, look at him. Isn't that the face of someone you'd like to cold-call you?

Mark Sanford Back in Congress

I shouldn't be surprised, though I am this time--and every time. When politicians act like dogs, they get re-elected. This means Anthony Weiner (I would have voted for him before that Twitter thing) is sure to come back into the...um...fold. Everything sounds so dirty! Chris Christie just had lap band surgery, which I've heard involves a stripper sitting on him and stretching her breasts around his stomach. I'm sure he's going to run for Prez in 2016. Getting thin is a precursor to a big run. I'm all for health, as long as it doesn't involve tweeting your nethers!

Upon full examination of the Met Gala fashions, I'm shocked that I loved Kim Kardashian's wallpaper dress. So refreshing to see her in something other than solids. She looked glamorous and stylish. Also, enjoyed Anne Hathaway's blond hair. But what the hell was Ginnifer Goodwin thinking? That scared me.

Smash update and spoiler: I can't quit this show. With each episode, I hate it more and more, even if they bring in Liza and Bernadette Peters. I would give myself a severe bob just for the chance to have Anjelica throw a drink in my face. Karen finally does something interesting and almost sleeps with that Simon Cowell director. But does she allow actual penetration? NO! She's in love with that drugged-out idiot who's got a bad case of me-me-mes. I keep wishing he'd jump off something high, but he continues to act like he has serious lady cramps. Sadly, his BFF--who is one of the few characters I'd love to hang out with in real life (other than Debra Messing because she's fabulous no matter how ugly her clothes are on the show)--gets tossed in front of a car. I want to cancel everything, scream at the television, and I know it's only a matter of time before someone says, "The show must go on." Oh God, please erase this from my brain! (can't wait until next ep)

The Real Housewives of Orange County: Introduction of Lydia's mom who sprinkles fairy dust on strangers and smokes a whole lot of pot. Best thing that ever happened to the show.

It seems Criminal Minds is going through some hardships since two pivotal female characters might be leaving (allegedly) due to crappy contracts. Very screwed up. I don't know what I'd do without my weekly Garcia fashions. My last two pairs of glasses, I purchased with her as inspiration.