It's DishMama's Birthday!!!

Happy Birthday to my much-adored Mamala! She shares her birthday with Olympic-gold-medal-winning and doobie-smoking Michael Phelps, though I'm sure they're not actually sharing the birthday together. That would be a little weird (yet somehow AWESOME!).

What is Dish doing other than celebrating HERSELF--because what better way to cherish DM than to appreciate what came from DM (i.e. DISH)? Just kidding. Can you tell I'm giddy over the impending delivery of Valentine's Day, which stars another mother of three: Julia Roberts!!!

This day is full of !!! Cricket-resembling-OMP Larry King is retiring FINALLY and handsome-yet-sketchy-newlywed OMP Piers Morgan might be taking his place. Must watch. Unless it conflicts with something better.

Speaking of better: Happy Birthday, Mommy!

Marlon Brando Loved Tahiti, Too

Word on the street is that Liev Schreiber and Naomi are on the rocks and he's taken off for Tahiti on a "diving trip." How could this happen? She's a gorgeous actress who Chooses Interesting Roles* and he's a triple threat with writing, directing, and acting. He's also a CIR and it's a match made in heaven. Several years ago, during his Kate & Leopold phase, Dish had a little crush on Liev but was glad Naomi, a respected artist with long luscious blond hair, snagged him. I've moved on since then, especially after hearing what a cranky diva he was during A View from the Bridge. Dish hears conflicting reports: diva and hilarious. Maybe he's both and what's wrong with being intense about one's work? My sympathies remain with Naomi, who is alone with the kids. Or maybe alone with the nanny and the kids. Dish knows nothing about these people.

*Fellow CIRs include Johnny Depp, Keanu Reeves, Edward Norton, Salma Hayek, and Jennifer Connelly. CIRs will sometimes sell out for the big money. Wouldn't you?

Divorces, Babies, and Lawsuits, Oh My!

So much has happened! The world spins over such IMPORTANT OCCURRENCES. First the good news:

Sandra Bullock is single again. We can go back to normal life again where she made romantic comedies rather than dramas (really bad ones during her Jesse James period). I'm glad she got her Oscar but I hope she'll focus now on making us laugh.

Today Dr. Oz showed us all how to remove ear wax. Get rid of the Q-tips and have someone drop baby oil into your ear. This will loosen up the wax. Guess what TG's new job is?

Not so much bad as silly:

Diandra Douglas is suing Michael Douglas for profits on Wall Street 2. It sounds ridiculous and greedy but good work if you can get it. Sue your ex-husband while your boy is in jail for drug dealing. Someone has to keep her in plastic surgery.

The US soccer star with the receding hairline Landon Donovan was making us all schmoopie with his romantic reunion with his estranged wife during the World Cup. But some UK babe now claims she's carrying his baby. He only made that goal from a penalty kick and not from actual shots on goal. I may be killed for saying this but Ghana deserved to win. Dish's Law: Athletes are dogs.

Drama:

Last night during the BET Awards, pop singing sensation and girlfriend-beater Chris Brown did a six-minute tribute to late pop singing sensation and boy-loving Michael Jackson. Talented Brown became MJ and, while touching to see his breakdown during "Man in the Mirror," Dish is stunned to realize that the world will forgive him for beating Rihanna black and blue. Public acts of contrition do wonders.

Jennifer Capriati "accidentally" ODed on prescription medication. There's a wave of that going around with celebs, often leading to death. Hope she hangs in there and gets back into tennis!

Pride

Happy Gay Pride to all. Or rather Gay Gay Pride to all. And in the spirit of gayness, I'd like to bring up Mel Gibson. He and his current babymama are going through a horrendous breakup. Both sides make outrageous claims of abuse. It's really heartbreaking when awful people breed. So, please, wear a condom--especially if you're insane. We're all stocked up here.

World Cup and Has Beens

My brain just shorted out over the trailer The Expendables, starring all my favorite action heroes (didn't see Seagal but that's okay since he's been with his sex slaves). TG and I are seeing it without fail!

Speaking of expendable, as everyone watched the World Cup, I'm making a mental list of sad people who peaked in their teens/early 20s, are famous now only for their sordid personal lives and lack relevancy. Dish sympathizes. My peak was eighth grade and I've accepted that my best work came about at age thirteen. List so far:

1. Britney
2. Jeremy London
3. Paris
4. Lindsay
5. Gary Coleman (RIP)
6. The cast of Twilight in about 5 years
7. The cast of Glee in about 5 years
8. Justin Bieber in 5 years
9. Wilson Phillips
10. Lee Ann Rimes
11. Jessica Alba
12. The Olsen twins

I'm tired for them. This is why education is so important. After fame, Blossom did something useful with her life. But onto happier thoughts: Gay Pride!

Knight and Day...

...is supposedly fantastic, from many DishFriends. Time to work against the bad-Tom tide. Or not.

Al Gore's Happy Ending?

Gross. Dish knew something more substantial led to the Gore split, though how late it is to come forward about a traumatic massage. If he's so into massages, and dirty ones, why don't more women break the silence? I understand the desire to stay out of the limelight, but it would be nice to bring down the hypocrites of the world. This bombshell confirms my longheld belief that People Are Crazy. I'm going to crawl into my little cave.

I've read lots of crap all over about Tom Cruise and whether or not he's over. Tom will never be over unless he gets fat (like John Travolta) and makes a string of sh*tty movies (like John Travolta). Sure, he's gotten freakier with age but never underestimate the comeback, as with his appearance in Tropic Thunder. Tom is good with comedy (not drama), which you kinda see in the trailer for Knight and Day. For some reason, this movie has been projected as DOA, though this seems like a conspiracy and not based on actual suckage. Tom is weird but he has value in Hollywood. For his career, he needs to be funny, play on the outrageous side, then, maybe when he's in his late fifties, he could try another drama (like Collateral) and be fantastic. Dish looks on the sunny side.

Lazy Dish

Not even a dish but a plate, one of the old ones. It's been a long day. Not much to say beyond utter shock over Jake and Vienna's breakup. I spent hours pondering their futures and came to the conclusion that they'll both realize their full potentials and find lasting happiness. (:))

Just finished Sherlock Holmes and finally enjoyed a Guy Ritchie film. You can tell he likes action and the fights scenes in this one were great fun. Robert Downey Jr. does a tad too much over-hamming but makes a pretty set with Jude Law. Highly entertaining.

Bachelor's Jake and Vienna Break Up...

...because she's a whore! Allegedly cheating with a former soap star, which is a downgrade. What did he expect when he booked himself on Dancing with the Stars right after the show? Just when Dish had nothing to write about, this gem happened. Do reality show couples ever stay together? I don't blame Vienna a bit since she probably learned within five seconds that he's a narcissistic crybaby. At the same time, he picked the bad girl, which is never good. What do I care. I only watched the lame finale.

So, as you can see, during a newsless hour, I fantasized about the ideal movie poster and here it is. Do you think Gale and Julia would go for it?

Gaga meets Jaws

Lady Gaga has jumped the shark with her baseball antics. First the double finger and lame-girl-makeout-session at the Mets game. Then bra and panties at the Yankees. My butt could invent better attention-getting schemes. It's so over.

Orlando Bloom is finally engaged to Miranda Kerr. I was so so so worried this VS model would be single forever! He's such an enlightened boddhisatva.

Last night at Radio City Music Hall, New Kids on the Block was joined on stage by the Back Street Boys. Can you imagine? I'm squealing and I wasn't even there. It's almost like if Spandau Ballet joined Duran Duran on stage.

Today, in reference to Amanda Bynes quitting acting, Dishmama said, "That's what that Joaquin Pelican did." Yes, Mom, Joaquin PHOENIX quit acting to become a rapper.

Dish will retire from writing to become an actress.

Happy 50th Birthday to John Taylor of Duran Duran!

March 14, 1983

Dear Diary,

I feel so immature because I’m just so infatuated with John Taylor. He’s the bass guitarist for Duran Duran. He looks about 17 and he’s sooo cute. I think his looks are so perfect. I love his looks so much. He’s just so perfect. This is bigger than my big crush on Donny Osmond. D___ saw them on Saturday Night Live and she thinks Simon Le Bon is cute! I hope everyone likes him instead of John. I feel so bad I’ve gone head over heels now because I’ll be hurt. That’s not really fair.

Love, Me

Happy 50th Birthday to John Taylor!!! He’s like soooo old now (but still perfect).

Remember when he sang the song for 9 1/2 Weeks? Hee hee. Good song, but JT sounds like he's a little drunkipoo. http://youtube.com/watch?v=kjU3N5nvcD8 Also, John is excellent as the aging rock star in the little-known movie Sugartown.

Jolie Is Making The Rest of Us Look Bad!

Ange does this by breathing but lately she's been touring the world and feeding orphans. Her charitable works inspired Dish to volunteer. Barring orientation snafus (Dish hit head on treadmill so anything's possible) I will hang out with old people. Won't give them any of my snacks.

I was fantasizing about the music for my wedding (all Duran Duran, of course). Since I'll soon have a lawyer in my family, wonder if we could threaten litigation to get Duran Duran to sing at my wedding. At least, though, TG and I could recreate this prom dance between Brian and Justin on Queer As Folk. http://youtube.com/watch?v=3yjOJmWK1ZY What do you think?

Kids These Days

If Adam Lambert, Colin Firth and Jack White had sex, they'd create Benjamin Walker who shines in Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson. The show has gotten great buzz due to its star and engaging content. Upon viewing, Dish can distill the essence of BW's appeal to teenage girls. Remember, I was there circa 1983 with the succulent wave of androgynous boy bands. BW wears tons of eyeliner and this is #1 rule for achieving sexy.

Dish went to the play for personal reasons (i.e. Darling Mamie Gummer got engaged to BW and you know Dish loves all things related to Meryl Streep). I had to see if BW was good enough to be in the Streep family. And he is. He's deserving of critical acclaim and heartthrob status (he sports camel toe jeans and Rob Thomas hair), but at his core, he's a zitty sensitive theater geek. Nice to see, too, that many in the cast have done graduate work related to theater. Education is important, people! So many actors have empty brains and do what they think is acting. My favorite character was Van Buren (Lucas Near-Verbrugghe), who seemed to channel David Bowie.

Sadly, Dish was in the front row, dodging BW's copious waterfalls of sweat. Also, not that this affected my enjoyment, I saw lots of panties and someone's testicles during the Indian ballet. That's the problem with the stage at the Public Theater.

Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson is young, irreverent (which is so in these days), and is the only way kids (and Dish) will learn history.

Jewel-lia!

So, Huffington Post wonders if Julia's new Lancome ad is airbrushed. Does the gay politician have secret sex in airport bathrooms? Despite the fakeness, it's Julia, who must be worshipped at all times. If I could get airbrushed, I would. It would hide the sun damage and bring out the unblotchy alabaster skin I'm supposed to have.

Dish's Daily Review: TVLand's Hot in Cleveland is abysmal. The talented has-been cast has terrible, unwatchable material to work with. Don't even view for hipster Betty White. Such a nice concept since no one wants to end up in Cleveland (Dish used to live there), but lousy and unfunny writing.

Indiana Jones and Ally McBeal Marry!

It's an odd couple but time has tested their love. Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart married in New Mexico. I hope they're happy and spend more time in my neighborhood.

Speaking of OMPs and marriage, what do you think about the allegations that Al Gore cheated on Tipper with Larry David's ex? The ex is gorgeous and into green things, so poor zipper control is understandable, but UNFORGIVEABLE. We expect these things from everyone but Al. This cheating is allegedly false but Dish maintains there was a catalyst to this separation. Just because you admire someone, doesn't mean you have to whip it out. We can all learn from Remains of the Day (if, like with Al's speech, you manage to stay awake).

Life on the D List

Kathy Griffin's Life on the D-List premiered tonight. I enjoy Kathy, though the show isn't as novel as the first two years. Tom is getting fat. Where are her other assistants? Liza Minelli is worth the entire show. Overall, the shtick is getting old. Will continue to watch out of loyalty.

So much talk about Tori Spelling's weight loss these days. She looks frightening, which saddens Dish. Do not believe it's the tummy flu or breast feeding or being busy. I have rooted for Donna since Day #1, mostly because of her performance in Trick. She has some charm, which is a rarity in offspring of mega-gazillionaires. The Lara Flynn Boyle Diet (eat three bites then give up) is the standard, unfortunately. Oh wait, the Dish Diet is similar (drink 60 oz cups of Diet Pepsi and that's it). Never mind!

Catty Comments from the Tonys: First Two Hours

No one kept time with the orchestra. Everyone was so in love with their voices they drew out each note.

Loved, loved the Sean Hayes/Chenoweth Frenching.

Interesting how Scarlett hugged Liev before her husband. I give it another year.

I wish I understood my violent aversion to Green Day. They are just loud and sing three notes. And the red pants.

Antonio Banderas has still got it.

Adored that Kate Finneran won a Tony! She was brilliant in Promises, Promises--and, indeed, stole the show.

Most of the speeches were too long and theatrical.

I'm very sorry the ratings were bad, but who's surprised? How many get to NY to see these plays?

Star Sighting: Kevin Bacon

BREAKING NEWS! This is the ultimate star sighting. This just in from DishBrotherSideKick:

"I went running with Kevin Bacon today! Well, actually we were both running around the reservoir in opposite directions. We crossed each other three times (I did 2 laps). The first two times I wasn't sure but the third time I watched him very closely and yes, it was him (or his twin). He was wearing black sun glasses and a cap, shorts and a t-shirt, all black. He seemed very fit, but kinda of skinny legs."

To flesh out this article, I asked how hot Kevin Bacon was on the Hot-o-meter:

"He was hot, but not super hot. It was mostly the air of sport jock that he had all around him that made him hot. Otherwise not so much. Like I said, very thin legs (although muscular, you can tell it's genetic his chicken legs). Was a little scruffy in the chin, perhaps he's growing a goattee. Very fit and nice pace."

Thanks, DBSK! Dish is going to start running outside, if only to see star chicken legs (pig nostrils)!

Tony, Tony, Tony!

I'm only watching them for Sean Hayes. Oh, who am I kidding? Yes, I watch them every year. I've only seen Promises, Promises, which for some odd reason got all these nominations. I'd give one to Kate Finneran and Sean Hayes, but that's about it. Will avert my eyes whenever Green Day is mentioned. Hate their music.

Kate Hudson dating a really ugly musician. I hope she and Cameron Diaz make up and realize that dating the same person (at different times) brings you closer together, could even blossom into a movie script. There's no sense fighting over an athlete. They park in many garages at once.

With TG gone, Dish regressed today. Ate tons of junk food and worked on a puzzle of Paris.

Is It True?

I saw a tabloid that speculates Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston see each other behind Angelina's back. It smells like BS but wouldn't that be interesting? I realize I should be reading Flaubert and fighting for causes but I need a break. Weekends never reap good smut so I'll wait until Monday.

TG leaves tomorrow for the Middle East. We decided to have a cozy night, watching the remake of Nuremberg starring Alec Baldwin. We were instantly bored. Instead, we watched The Insider. TG remarked that Russell Crowe is excellent at looking worried. I really don't think he's done anything good since The Insider. If you watch him carefully in every movie following that one, he's a bit of a hack. Even in The Insider, he does some tricks but I believe him. Great Al Pacino. I enjoy his yelling.

Happy Birthday, Dr. Oz (and TG)

I would have put TG first in the headline but he's mortified by the attention. Hee hee. Ha ha ha. That's funny. No really, he doesn't like anyone making a fuss. But we will anyway: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TG!

Today is a good day because last night's television sent us all over the edge. The reunion of the NYC Housewives resembled The View during hot button times--everyone flapping their gums at once. Bethenney Getting Married? contained more gum flapping and I finally had to turn it off. If you want to see women going bananas, find yourself an episode of Snapped. At least that show has murder.

So Much Drama

Allegedly, Larry King's wife attempted suicide by an overdose of pills and it's said he didn't visit her for days (though isn't there a 72-hour lockdown?). Again, people don't get Dish's remedy for all suicidal thoughts (I only had them once, it was just a stomach ache): stay under the covers until you feel better! I hope she recovers and gets the divorce she needs.

More death talk, there's fighting over Gary Coleman's body. When did you ever hear that sentence before? Everyone involved in his life sounds like no good.

So onto more positive thoughts: Two hours of Real Housewives of NYC tonight. Poor TG can't contain his excitement. He's so happy about this, he might put on the earphones to drown out the fabulousness.

Knight and Day comes out soon and I can't wait. Tom Cruise being funny is a good thing.

Who Should Be Used As Landfill?

1. I gave Lindsay Lohan enough of a chance since her excellent work in The Parent Trap and Mean Girls. But now that she's violated her parole, I'm done.

2. Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag whose separation has all the earmarks of a hoax. I hate these two and that's probably what they want.

Triumph: Last night's Glee. Loved the bitchy Olivia Newton John. When Finn told Rachel he loved her, Dish got chills. The music showed very clearly that the creator was born in the 60s as most of the music was not so hip or relevant.

New Talent: Jason Derulo who was on today's The View. If Prince, MJ and Lenny Kravitz had sex--and I'm not saying they did--they'd produce this wonder of Funk Pop.

Happy Birthday, Nick Rhodes!

Haiku for Duran Duran's Keyboardist

large nostrils flaring
does the met have a Warhol?
gray firs dot the hill

easy to hide them
dish visits JJ who laughs
with her and at her

what's age when you've got
flair, talent, (bucks) and pure steel
behind the beauty

not so effing old
xcept when taking pervy
photos of russian models

it's okay cause you're
in a band and never age
gray fir can be dyed

often and often
ruffles and coral lipstick
happy day of birth

Nick Rhodes Birthday Eve

The news is snoozeworthy:

Aguilera can't escape comparisons to Gaga. Sheen's going to jail for three minutes because, as always, he acted in a way that is natural to him. He will be incarcerated and then he'll go home and nothing will change. Sandra Bullock has made two award show appearances, regaling the crowd with her humor and girl-on-girl kiss. She's back!

Most odd is my constant staring at the beautiful ring on my finger. Hoards of women have cooed over "Ringy" and I've cooed along with them. Since age 5, I've been on the periphery of weddings. Very interesting to be in the center of it all. Is it wrong that I am mostly thinking of the cake and the ring? Will start "testing" of wedding cake early in honor of Nick Rhodes's birthday. He had flamingos at his wedding to the gorgeous heiress with the long legs (Julianne?). Though the only animal at my wedding will be Dishstepfather.

Over Hill and Gale

Thank the Goddess for Google alerts. I need to know whenever Gale Harold is on television. Sadly, due to my busy schedule, I missed Gale's recent appearance on CSI:NY. Never fear, as everyone slumbered, Dish tiptoed to her computer, flipped on Hulu and viewed His Perfect-Haired Highness playing a wacky professor who harbors a biological weapon. An injured Gary Sinise watched Professor Gale being evil in an oh-so-subtle homage to Rear Window. Gale strapped on a gas mask and injected a bird with something bad--leaving shades open for all to see. I know academics have sh&t for brains but somehow Gale made it work. Most important, he looked amazing. His hair was a little short for Dish's taste (which involve Season Five of QAF). Still, I won't quibble.

I know I should address the integrity of Gale's work. There was a moment at the end of the episode when I believed he really was a crazy academic and the brilliance freaked me out.

The Blind Side

It's corny as hell, but TG and I cried all the way through The Blind Side. By the end, we wanted to go into the worst neighborhood and bring home a large black man to live with us (and raise to play pro football). It's no Casablanca but I'm glad it won an award. A lovely story.

More divorces. Cesar Milan is no longer the Wife Whisperer as he and his are divorcing after 16 years. I'm not broken up about it since I always thought he was gay.

Gorgeous Rue

Phoning It In

Mariah is preggers.
Celine is preggers.
NYC Housewife Sonja Morgan was busted for DWI (tee hee).
Sheryl Crow adopted another kitty, I mean, child.
Bethenny Frankel lost 30 lbs in one month (no big whoop, Dish does that under extreme stress)
Chace Crawford was arrested for Mary Jane possession.
Orlando Bloom hsa dsylexai, oho al al!

Okay, I'm going to go back to staring at the ring on my finger. This engagement haze will go away I'm sure but given it's such a monumental life change, I'll enjoy it.

The Third Celebrity Death...

Who knew I was so psychic? This death hits me hard in the chest. Rue McClanahan is the original Samantha Jones/Brian Kinney/Shane McCutcheon. Blessings on her coming and going. And yet...

...have to say...

...it's hard to grieve right now as Dish just got engaged. I'm a lucky girl. It's a miracle.

Where's the Telethon for the BP Spill, George?

In a different life, Dish worked for BP Oil. They were nice to me, and the offices were plush--the only good part about living in Cleveland. Aside from the usual condescension toward assistants, I basked in a world of friendly workers. I even went to the 40+th floor where God Almighty himself resided. As the oil gushes into the Gulf, I can only think: Screw the scientists and BP. We need the brilliance and testosterone of James Cameron. Only Hollywood can stop this crisis so let's leave it to the professionals.

It's official: I'm over Fergie the former Duchess of York. The I-was-drunk-and-only-trying-to-raise-money-for-a-friend seems like a steaming pile to me. If I had 40K, I wouldn't give it to a friend. I would keep it. That $$$ is mine, especially if I'm broke. Surely, the Royal Gingie could've steered herself in a better direction all along. She keeps getting caught doing silly things so I'm done.

R.I.P.: The Gore Marriage

The Al and Tipper separation is causing me some agita. What happened? Was she off her meds? Did he cheat? Or was their union much like An Inconvenient Truth--full of solid information but kinda nap-inducing? I'd like to think general boredom occurred and nothing scandalous. Either way, I'm grabbing a wall for support.

Children of famous people are at severe risk, though TG reminds me even normal people die tragically. Ted Koppel's son died yesterday after a twelve-hour drinking binge. His record of drinking never did bode well for a healthy future. I feel bad for the Nightline Gingie, who must be in mourning.

I need a Snickers bar, STAT.