A Diamond in the Mind Is a Girl's Best Friend

If you even mildly like Duran Duran, you will enjoy their latest concert DVD, A Diamond in the Mind, which had a special Facebook premiere this afternoon (TG was so excited!!!). The boys always give good video. You can buy it here. Just remember, you haven't lived until you've seen Simon Le Bon sing "White Lines" in his glittery shirt. Nick Rhodes rocks a diamond brooch like no one else. The "live" Q&A after was a little snoresville since you could only hear them and they sounded suspiciously like my late grandparents.

Dish watched the last bit of Wimbledon where Roger Federer proved once again that beauty and robotic engineering win out over scrappy Scotland. Can't wait for US Open and shots of icy Anna Wintour and aroused Gavin Rossdale in the stands.

Justin Bieber filed a complaint about a nasty pap, which was why he was speeding down the highway. I don't care. He is dead to me since his reference to the "the Sixteenth Chapel" on Letterman.

Barney Frank married his long-time partner and Sienna Miller popped out a baby. Shazam!

Celebrities in the bathroom: I try not to imagine the stars on the can. For some, I can't help myself: John Goodman, Jenny McCarthy, Judd Hirsch, Fergie...but this weekend, another name was added to my list: George Clooney. Isn't that terrible? He and his lady love got food poisoning in Italy, which only means the middle-aged hunk was perched over a toilet, perhaps with projectiles coming from both ends. I'm seeing her sitting in the bidet while he's on the can and spewing into the bathtub. Let's hope someone was there to remove all evidence of the horror.

What Are You Doing in this God-Forsaken Heat?

It is so hot out. I'm home with a gassy cat, a stack of Julia movies I could never sit through, and a "cat" puzzle. Isn't this the saddest thing? To me, it's ecstasy except for the gassy cat.

As predicted, Kris Humphries's ex's pregnatiousness could upset his divorce battle, proving that he wasn't so heartbroken that he couldn't bang a chick. Though, I'm sorry, judge, he banged a chick who looked like Kim. And sometimes when you feel like crap, you have to bang someone. The real crime is that they might not have used a condom ... and that the chick herself felt so little self-esteem that she had carnal relations with an athlete, which leads to doom.

Who knew Arafat could be such a soap opera post-demise! TG was telling me all about his possibly being poisoned, the mysterious disappearance of 200M dollars, and a suspicious widow, among other rumors. I need to turn my gossip radar to the Middle East.

Dish is gearing up for campaign season. I can't wait for the debates and real CNN/MSNBC punditing.

Happy Birthday, GWB!

I don't mean the George Washing Bridge! Again, sad that I remember such birthdays. Maybe it's just that I want desperately to forget my own next week. 44 is OLD. It's not 40 or 35. It's not HOT. I'll try to make it hot. Enough about me.

Kris Humphries's ex-GF is pregnant allegedly with his child. Vileness. This is smelling more and more like Jersey Shore. I predict a quicker divorce for KK.

Let's talk about my shopping fantasies. Anthropologie.

Is EVERYONE pregnant?

Thank goodness for the Countess who's getting those fertility treatments (at 47). It makes some of us feel better about being fertilately challenged. But then again, I sort of feel that if the Countess really wanted a baby, she'd fast-track it and do surrogate since she has the $$$ and everyone's doin' it. Why would she carry the baby herself when some sweet 20-something can. Others who are drinking the same baby water include Claire Danes and Mrs. McConaughey for the third time. Sookie is having twin vampires.

I have to divulge a fantasy. Lately, with the whole bombshell Cruise/Holmes divorce, I dream that one night a black limo will pull up at Katie's door. A hooded figure will emerge with strands of red peeking out (not Dish, but I like how you think). The figure is rushed into the building and knocks on the door of a massive apartment. Katie opens to find Nicole Kidman ready for the Mother of Sleepovers.

The tabs are saying Tom is revving up his army. Is that a mixed metaphor?

Happy Fourth of July!

Remember Born on the Fourth of July? You know who starred in it? Okay, never mind. I am so over this storyno, you're not. Because of my lack of attention span, I must do bulletpoints:

1. Someone cried during Cupcake Wars last night. I won't say who. Tweren't I.

2. Jessica Simpson wants to be 110 lbs but is satisfied to reach her pre-baby weight of 130. I scoured IMDB and discovered that she's 5'3. Using the associative property, Dish is thinner than Jessica pre-baby weight.

3. I went on a Facebook fast and lasted three days. See above idiocy to show what happens when you don't FB.

4. Bachelorette spoiler: I can see why Emily sent home Chris, though he's way cuter than Jef and Sean (not Arie). He seems like a sweet guy, though a bit uptight. Jef and Sean aren't competition for Arie, in my book.

5. Yentl: Dish had a Streisgasm this morning. Why did I not see this masterpiece before? Moral of the story: No one gets Babs because she's so special.

6. What is Suze Orman DOING? Dishmama called me in a panic last night over Suze hawking short term life insurance and her pre-paid credit card. This is not the Suze we know and love. She's already rich. Why is she doing this? I tried to find out information from her website and it smells like a duck.

Happy 50th Birthday, Tom Cruise!!!

Isn't it sad that I remember his birthdays every year? Do I get anything from him? No! Speaking of Tommy-Tomkins, he's spending his 50th in Iceland and wearing an aluminum suit. Is there anything sadder? Let's hope he breaks out the vitamins and sparkling cider and cuts a rug in his underpants. No one's watching.

There were allegations that Scientology was tailing Katie in their big creepy Escalades. So, TMZ called Scientology and was like, are you following her? And Scientology was like, no we're so not. TMZ was like, were you going to ship Suri into Sea Org, and Scientology was like, she's too young for our gleaming ocean program where we might search for alien treasure. Thusly, Scientology cleared of all suspicions! Dish read the Scientology textbook and can assure everyone that Suri is indeed too young for Sea Org. But then I also read the Paul Haggis article and Andrew Morton bio, which cast doubt on Scientology's assertions. How could a religion lie??? Especially if it prettifies so many celebrities: Jenna Elfman, Kelly Preston, Kirstie Alley, John Travolta, Tom.

Just saw this: Rest in Peace, Andy Griffith [cue whistling]. A pleasure to behold.

Oh, Anderson Cooper, You Brighten My Monday

I admired his silence on this issue because it's no one else's business. But I also admire his coming out to show young people that being gay doesn't mean a life of misery. Look at how awesome Anderson is!

Now we know why he spent all his time talking to TG and didn't immediately make a pass at Dish. Or maybe it's just that TG is savvy about international news.

Now we can all go back to enjoying him for all the good work he does.

I just want to make it official:

I can't do anything right.