Brandi Glanville's Telling All

I've got to hand it to this woman--she's made a name for herself as a scorned wife. She's pisssssed. I'll admit, I enjoy her immensely on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills even though the vaginal rejuvenation (to get a man's essence out of your hoo-ha) is a giant overshare. Did we know anything about her before LeAnn Rimes stole her mans? Not really, and I keep track of celebrities and their spouses and their cousins. When Cibrian took over for Gale Harold on Vanished (what a mess that was), he and Brandi were happily married Iwas dating another loser. But now it's over, he's married the woman he cheated with (where is Gale Harold these days) and Brandi's stock keeps going up. Being enraged can make you really really rich.I keep saying to myself I will not buy her book, I will not feed the gossip machine (I totally will, love her).

Dan Marino had a love child with CBS employee. Dishlesson #1: Never date an athlete.

Quickie

Melissa Gilbert and Timothy Busfield--ENGAGED! Fifty-something...

Watching The West Wing again. Still good.

Brandi Glanville had vaginal rejuvenation after Eddie Cibrian left her. This story will never end.

So, Leann Wasn't Crying Yesterday...

But I was. Today has been smooth sailing except:


Screw you, Downton Abbey. I'm fine with the drama of Sunday's episode, but how could you put everyone in such hell? Poor Elizabeth McGovern and her sweet tears. DA should be all nicey nice. Then again, there was some dead wood on the show. If only they'd release Bates from jail. He could boost everyone's spirits (quiet, Dishbrother! I know you hate Bates, spit on little old ladies and kick puppies!). Also, I'm mostly eager for Edith to get laid.

The Bachelor: Sean is telling too many girls, "I'm crazy about you." I'm not sure who I want to win. Possibly the adopted girl. She's super nice, deserving, heart of gold--but can she be sexy? That's the thing I want to tell girls: having issues, acting mopey may get you attention, but it's not sexy. I wish I'd known this. Luckily, Sean sent home one of the barking-crazy girls.

Today's rumor: That Alec Baldwin impregnated his hot yoga teaching wife. Makes sense. Why wouldn't he? She could do yoga during her pregnancy. I don't like yoga. Is that bad?

Why Lindsay should just go to jail or rehab for a year. She called in sick for court tomorrow today--sudden respiratory infection--but was spotted shopping and smoking today. I can't even believe she's out on the streets. I am tired when I imagine living her life and its vicious circles.

The Stars Go Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

LeAnn Rimes was caught crying today. Well, if you'd seen me trying to smash a large suitcase in a gym locker after slamming my Achilles in a door, you would have seen crying. Post slam, I went the entire subway ride to the gym thinking: My blood is soaking through my socks. There could be an artery near my Achilles. I'll bleed out in seconds. Someone will steal my iPad. I think the guy who regularly takes a dump on the E is in this car. I'll go through to the next car though that middle part is dangerous.
It's hard being Dish. So I watched The Shahs of Sunset for deep counsel and what do I get: 2 crazy quack therapists who allow cameras into the office and discuss things that make no sense:

1. Making mom and daughter do lists is juvenile. Telling Mom and daughter what to do is not therapeutic or sophisticated therapy. I just let my mom tell me what to do and she's usually right.
2. "Shuttling" is bullsh*t. For instance: Serene Dish is going to have a conversation with Insecure Dish and see who dominates the conversation I'm aging like my father. These games are lazy.
3. I want Reza to be my life coach.

I didn't even break skin with my accident. Dish needs therapy way more than Cray-cray GG. But then, here's what makes me sane again.

The S.A.G. Awards--Better Because It's Your Peers (Still #3)

Are we up for the SAG awards tonight? TNT, starting at 8pm--which is royally painful since Sunday is Real Housewives of Atlanta, Shahs of Sunset, Downton Abbey, Guy vs. Rachael Celebrity Cookoff, The Good Wife. All bets are off, basically. TG enjoys the awards so I'm going to sneak in some ironing and watch a lot of phony baloney speeches. "I grew up in Asshat, Ohio, helped in my daddy's hardware store. After school, I moved to LA, slept with someone famous and wound up on TV. Last year, I got busted for DWI twice. I'm Blah Blah Blah and I'm an actor." No, but really, it's soooo serious. The good part is that there may be a lot of drunkenness since it looks as if beverages and meals are served. Dish will take a shot if ANYONE says, "This means more because it's coming from you, my peers." We have three little vodka bottles in the freezer. Um, they may not be there anymore...

Sorry to be cranky. I have so much ironing to do. Plus, the gossip sites are boring me to tears.
TMZ: love them, but it's swimming mostly in White Trash minutia and athletes beating up their spouses and getting caught driving drunk.
Perez Hilton: Used to be my Go To, but not liking his web-casts. Love his writing, not the commentating. Just my opinion.
HuffPo: Too much integrity.
Dlisted: The best site ever, but doesn't post as frequently. Every post, though, is written with care and snark. Michael K. is a literary genius.

Oh crap, TG has fallen asleep on the couch, which means no television for at least two hours!!!

I Swear I Didn't Get This For Myself...

I don't usually go for straight chocolate. There has to be something gooey or crunchy inside. Like say, a Snickers, Milky Way or Twix--except Three Musketeers makes me gag (unless frozen). TG brought me home this Godiva, perhaps to fatten up my finger so I can slip my engagement ring back on. Sure, no problem. Wolfed it down in three bites. Pancakes tomorrow, too.

Caught this adorable Jimmy Kimmel episode where Matt Damon takes over the show and brings on some frightening people. Some of those faces aren't real. Sad Hollywood downward spiral.

Sarah Palin and Fox have parted company. She's not been in the news as much lately. I fear she'll return to campaign but also think it's too late for her. There has been too much stupid under the bridge.

More murmurings about Angelina being pregnant with seventh child. Knitting a baby blanket for them.

Mainlining Twix

My engagement ring is too lose on my finger so I'm storing it away until I get some bacon fat under my belt. F*kk my Anne Hathaway diet or any diet. TG was, like, what the hell, why did you lose weight? I did--but just in my forearms and my fingers. The rest of me is the same. Okay, so maybe I'm a little after-school special with my too-baggy pants and spine coming out of my back. I've been buried in work in a way I haven't experienced since 1997. But, no more. I want to look pudgy on TV again so I rushed to the deli and got a gigantic sandwich, a candy bar, some soda and I'm guzzling like there's no tomorrow. The ring comes back pronto!

When you don't eat, your blood sugar takes a dive. Then you do weird things, like look up music obsessions from the past. For me, that was Vanity. I loved Ms. Denise Matthews and her songs got me through some rough times. This one especially--which is cool since it's very close to TG's name. Oh, and this one is legendary. Now, this talented singer has found Jesus! Hey, whatever gets you through...

I thought I'd want to learn about celebrities' crushes but this is incredibly boring. Some of them go on and on...like they love the attention. Kind of wondering what Julia Roberts thinks of Jessica Chastain, a younger replica who is getting all those serious acty roles Julia didn't get till later (sort of). Is Julia pisssst? That would only make me work harder. And then I'd go up to Jessica and snap her bra. Ooops, need more candy--and protein!

So no big surprise, Liberty Ross is divorcing her two-timing director husband, Rupert Sanders--you know, the one who threatened the all-mighty love of Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. I don't care.

Hillary Opens Up a Can of Whoop-Ass!

It takes a hot broad to put these old white guys in their place, but that's what she did when she testified in front of the senate on the Benghazi affair. I love my Hillary. When I think about flying, about panic, about accidentally eating raw chicken and what if I die, I remember she's out there. My understanding of politics comes straight from CNN and thin air, but here's my thought about the Benghazi mess: Pourquoi the hysteria about why we didn't know all the information (unless your relative died--then I get it). Wouldn't you rather conduct a thorough investigation instead of spew bursts of what could be misinformation to a mostly ignorant population (I still love you, America)? Investigations take time.

See? I should be in the White House as Consumer of Frosted White House Sugar Cookies.

In this vein, I've realized I might take a punch for Lisa Vanderpump though I bruise like a peach. Not only does she look better now than she did thirty years ago, but she makes everything seem effortless because she's British. I love her, love her dog, love her clothes, love her husband. And of course, now I'm addicted to Vanderpump Rules, which is The Hills but with young people doing even LESS. The drama, oh the drama! Everyone is overreacting. Kristen is dating gayish Tom who uses all her product but he slept with a girl who used to live with him who Kristen accidentally met at a modeling shoot. Sheena (sp?) slept with a famous actor while he was married so all the other waitresses hate her (how could she? he's like MARRIED). Then while on the gay pride parade float, Sheena-homewrecker put suntan lotion of Jax's back while he was in a fight with Stassi (a blond tyrant, who's like 23 and doesn't want to like date a loser--please, that's when you happily START dating losers). Jax is a sad aging-manwhore-bartender but you could see him guesting on NCIs: Los Angeles as "The Guy Who ODs." Mayhem ensues where evil Frank moves in on Stassi and says Jax knocked up some hooker in Vegas. Out for revenge, Stassi drinks Jax's Cristal and leaves empty bottles for him to find--along with her rage-studded sick, I'm sure. Pump just wants her staff to work--leave the personal life at home. Such important life lessons. Can't wait till the next episode!