Mark Burnett and Roma Downey's The Bible Has Made Me Lose Respect for Christianity

You would have thought I'd go atheist when Simon Le Bon came out as a non-believer. His argument made perfect sense to me, but I couldn't quite take the plunge. While I still believe in mystical occurrences (because too much crazy stuff has happened to me), I am not down with the Christian god according to Mark and Roma's new hit miniseries on the Hitler History channel. Disclaimer: My ignorance in the area of religious doctrine is infinite. I only know from a few Easter services and The Ten Commandments. Forgive my blaspheming. I do love the idea of faith.

But still, thank the Holy Whatever for The Bible because I learned so much and decided that this god isn't for me. Lessons from this amazing show:

1. People from yon before are from Great Britain. Surely, 'twas.
2. God committed multiple acts of ethnic cleansing. When he's pissed, he wipes out whole nations and makes people build an ark (hello, vomit train!).
3. The Devil is Obama. I'm sorry, but you can't plead ignorance on this one. The actor doesn't resemble Obama, but Mark and Roma MADE HIM LOOK LIKE OBAMA. There is no accident here.
4. Eve was hot and so was Jesus. Please, important historical figures can't be hideous.
5. For all period pieces before, say, 700 AD, please act as if you're in your church's Christmas pageant.
6. Poor Sarah's womb is all withered and stale so she tells Abraham that he can boink the servant girl. Thanks to God's IVF, Sarah does get preggo. Love triangles are legit.
7. God is bored and needs more adoration so he tells Abraham to kill his son. NICE! But just at the last minute, God says, "Just kidding!" Kill this lamb instead, that's what I really meant.
8. There's something about the Sodomy Village that pisses off God, so he orders an African American, an Asian man schooled in martial arts, and someone else to fight off the bad people. Little glimpse of Obama as this is happening. Like maybe he's involved. Thank heavens, Abraham the Almost Child Killer is spared.
9. Young Moses wore makeup, but he soon grows up to be Gale Harold's seedy uncle! He fights with his childhood enemy Pharaoh, who is still overusing charcoal around the eyes.
10. Pharaoh gives his son a Gameboy, which ensures his silence for the rest of the show. And then he dies.

That's as far as I got. Maybe I need to read the Bible, which might be a purer translation of God's word.

Today Is So Yesterday

Just how low can the Today show go? Watch this.They're doing this sad piece about vacuuming, and Matt is taunting Savannah Guthrie for her lack of vaccuuming experience. No doubt, he's referring to other kinds of shortcomings with a hose. I would have flipped him the bird too! Rumor has it, Anderson Cooper has been approached to take over Matt's spot. Wouldn't that be amazing? I would watch again.


Justin Bieber keeps landing in hot water. For bad driving, letting someone else drive his car badly, vomiting on stage, and now spitting at someone. What a gigantic p*ssy (I'm sorry, Mom). Seriously, when is spitting a show of strength? I did it once with serious consequences (it got rubbed back in my face). If you want to show off your cojones, why not just pop the person in the face*? You know Biebs wanted to avoid the extra work. Allegedly.

Very upsetting: Mamie Gummer and Benjamin Walker are splitting. Who gets custody of Meryl Streep?

*I don't condone violence. Dish prefers a withering glance or flipping the bird.
 

Changing Faces

Caught up on my RHoBH and my goodness, who knew evil Faye would launch such a lame attack. Who butts into conversations just because? So desperate, girlfriend. If you're so successful and don't care, be more Yolanda. I'm not sure how this franchise will stay fresh.

Just in time for Orange County, we see that Vicki Gunvalson has a new face. Massive change means even bigger insecurities. It's not her face that bothered me but more her abhorrent personality. And a penchant for dating shlubs and never having any fun.


Just in time for the premiere of Mad Men, all media outlets are obsessed with Jon Hamm's penis. Please, haven't we seen one before? I'm surprised no one said anything sooner. Don't you know old men's junk gets bigger with age? Jon's old. Maybe older than it says in IMDB. I can't believe that f*cker is younger than I am.

Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell welcome a baby girl: Lincoln. WTF????

Another Housewife Divorce?

I just read the news that Porsha and Kordell from Real Housewives of Atlanta are divorcing. Praise be! I felt bad for her since she sort of married her father (this happens). She's finally free!

But as one spirited babe is released from prison, another heads to the dark side. Jesse James--the one who cheated multiple times during his relationships with Sandra Bullock and Kat Von D--married an heiress. Unless her brains were sucked out of her ear, how could the new Mrs. James possibly rationalize this union?

I pushed away my worries with Phil Spector, the new Mamet film via HBO. Al Pacino in a wig is still Al Pacino. He begins as Phil, but turns into Al. I had the most trouble with the Mametty dialogue which never seems real. Kind of boring until one scene toward the end when Al chilled me. Helen Mirren is, of course, excellent no matter what.

Run to MOMA if you want to see Tilda Swinton sleeping in a box. Or...you can just come over to Chelsea and watch me from 11-7:30. Oh, the snoring, thrashing and stealing of covers!

Dancing with the Stars: TG and I are hooked! Go Jacoby and Andy Dick! Find out tonight who gets voted off first... My guesses: D.H. Hughley (who seems like a giant pain in the ass), Dorothy Hammill (though this would be like kicking a puppy), or Lisa Vanderpump (love her but zzzz as a dancer). Jacoby for the win.

This Isn't Acting, Y'All.

I've been a bad blogger, mostly because I can't walk and chew gum at the same time. Right now, I'm walking (writing a book) so must minimize my hours obsessing about the stars. Who am I kidding? It's true, I can't spend as much time worshiping my radaronline and TMZ and Dlisted. I'm cutting to marathon viewing instead--commenting less. Since I just finished Brandi Glanville's Drinking and Tweeting, I'm now watching where it all began, with LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian's starring in Northern Lights. So far, I'll admit, LeAnn is super sexy. The camera loves this girl. Eddie is Eddie. His dimples are really good actors as well.

Had dinner with Dishcousin, which was highly enjoyable--and valuable because I am now going to watch Army Wives from start to finish. That's all for now.

Except finally watched Zero Dark Thirty. Meh. (and I can't stop looking at Kim Kardashian in her latest pregnancy fashion disaster...)

Finally, Jay Leno Might Be Leaving!

Dish ate a bad meal at a nearby restaurant, so it could be the severe abdominal pains from subpar meat talking, but I'm a little sad for Jay Leno. Okay, maybe not that sad since the Conan O'Brien ousting from The Tonight Show was sheer awfulness. Jimmy Fallon might be taking over in 2014 and moving the show to NYC, which would be amazing. NYC is the new LA (no it isn't).

My pain also comes from not only the hype over The Bible miniseries produced by Survivor's Mark Burnett and F*cked Touched by an Angel's Roma Downey, but also the announcement--replete with corny photos--that Tiger Woods got himself a new blond, dating Lindsey Vonn. Lindsay Lohan's got a new mug shot.

Full disclosure: TG and I have a nice apartment, but it's a pit. We are slobs. My cat is a slob. We blame it on the cat, but we are total pigs. I threatened to hire a cleaning person. Because TG is thrifty, he suggested I make a "chore" chart and whoever completes the most number of tasks gets a reward:

TG's reward: An extra date with my stepfather (fierce man-love)
My reward: I get to do a dramatic superior dance

I started my first task today, with TG dreamily reading his Proust, and realized: TG is not competitive in this arena. What does he care if he has to watch a superior dance? He's going to let me do all the chores and say, "How great, you win. You can do the chores every week."


Anyone have a great cleaning god/dess?

Happy St. Guinness Day!

This is the happiest news ever since it combines three things about which I have endless passion: Kathy Bates, Jessica Lange, and witches! Ryan Murphy is a genius with this excellent American Horror Story revelation for next season!

More of why Ryan Murphy is my favorite person except Glee kind of sucks now. He's filming The Normal Heart (Dish has seen numerous times, not a fave) in NYC, which means JULIA ROBERTS WILL BE ON THE PREMISES. TG refuses to go location scouting with me for Julia's whereabouts--and let's face it, I will probably remain on my fat ass working. But...if any readers have a hint of a clue of where she might be, please dish. I might need a pick-me-up from all this work. And bear in mind, I will keep a distance from The Queen because I'm a giant chicken-sh*t.

I've been worried about Tone Loc and his seizures for years. He keeps collapsing on stage, which breaks my heart. How can this genius ever be sick?

More The View drama--it seems Hasselbeck really might be gone. Baba is pissed the news got out before she could expel it in a tiny burp covered by her hand. Christie Brinkley is allegedly lobbying hard to get on the show. That might be fun if she lets loose--no fakery. For The View, you need one stable (as in will show up day after day) wackadoodle and at least three who are interesting but won't cause too much drama. Brooke Shields is the new Meredith!!!

Even Silent, I'm Still Always Thinking of the Stars

So much has happened this week. Every time a new event occurred, I kept wanting to blog, but I didn't. Now, I'm overflowing:

I read Brandi Glanville's Drinking and Tweeting in one sitting. Then I did Pilates. Then I ate a bag of chips. This was a stirring, can't-put-down read. It's juicy--and short! She forgot to note that Eddie Cibrian also killed off Vanished once Gale Harold left. Throughout the reading, I felt sorry for Cibrian and LeAnn Rimes, just because it's such a lame tale with a big cloud over it unless LeAnn gets pregnant or revives career bigtime. At least Brandi has majorly risen from the ashes. Again, I want her to be my life coach.  

In couple news: Rhea Perlman and Danny DeLimoncello are reconciling. Eh, might as well...It's tough out there in the dating world.

Julianne Hough and Ryan Seacrest have split because she doesn't have a penis. In a brilliant move, Julianne somehow had 100K of jewelry he gave her magically stolen. You go, girl!

So it seems the fans of Veronica Mars have flocked to kickstarter.com to fund a movie. Dish never watched this show but now I'm thinking...why not a Kickstarter campaign to bring back Swingtown or Queer As Folk (I know it'll never happen)? What other shows do you miss?

Perhaps the most embarrassing thing I watched this week--though I love these two and feel they've kind of paved a path for fun, no-holds barred lady morning viewing.

Liam and Miley Have Broken Up? I'm Leaning In.

Please no. The ground is shaking. I'm so close to losing my marbles. Don't tell me Lima and Miley's wedding is off! You know Dish loves her married-too-young wedding trainwrecks. Talk about achy breaky heart.

Dish is not only working hard, but also perusing Lean In by Facebook COO (I think) Sheryl Sandberg. Loving it. Wondering if it's new and different, like the beginning of a Fourth Wave of feminism. Or is it the same old shit? I can't stop reading and it's given me good insight into my own trajectory. That's pretty damn useful.

The Bachelor Finale--Spoiler

First of all, Dish read a spoiler to The Bachelor, which ruined everything. Never again! Oh wait, I said that last season. This time around, I felt there was only one bad apple in the whole caboose (that makes no sense, Dish)--the evil and clueless Tiera. All the other girls seemed nice. A few weren't exactly intelligent, but who cares? I'm fine with Sean's choice of Catherine, though I have the feeling she might bail later on when she realizes he's kind of nice and predictable. But that's just me, being negative. My real excitement over the finale comes with the announcement of the new Bachelorette: Katie Holmes Desiree Hartsock! She was the one I'd wanted Sean to pick toward the end.

And now, I can go back to life as usual.

Oh, and in stupid fun news: Gerard Butler finally admitted that he slept with Brandi Glanville. He just didn't remember her name. That just makes him so much more attractive, doesn't it?

Such as.

It's Official: Brooke Is My New Imaginary BFF

Not since Rosie O' and Star Jones has their been full-on drama from The View. Here it is: Joy Behar is leaving and Elisabeth Hasselbeck might also be gone. I kinda found EH annoying but liked that she represented the Red states. She hung in there for a long time even when the tide turned against her. It's a colossal bore when everyone believes in the same things. Oh hell, ideological balance begone--Brooke Shields might be joining and she's one of those stars I'd take a bullet for (maybe even twice). I'll DVR the show again! Love, love, love her.

Other than this, topsy turvy for Dish. My mother was honored in a 2-day conference--which was awesome. I've always been proud of Dishmama but seeing so many people in love with her made me very misty. In a fit of jealousy, Dishcat has chosen this moment to be on his last legs, which is heartbreaking. I've had this kitty for 18.5 years. He's seen so much.

I'm ending the weekend with a marathon of ironing TG's shirts.

Dish News

Non-fiction: Memoir

Harlequin editor Patience Bloom's ROMANCE IS MY DAY JOB, the real-life story about how she, a professional expert when it came to love, had given up on it in her own life until a surprising and romantic turn of events gave her the real-life love story she thought could only happen on the page, to Jill Schwartzman at Dutton, in a pre-empt, by Jeff Kleinman at Folio Literary Management (world).    From Publisher's Marketplace.

Too Much Happening to Stay Silent

This week was a real pisser. First The Bachelor. ABC is teasing us with The Women Tell All episode. This season did little for me. I wanted Sean to be with Dez, but he threw her back in the ocean. Was he really so douchy with AshLee that he lied about his feelings? Did he say he loved her more than the other girls? Tiera, I appreciate her role on the show.

Karen Kim Kardashian had a miscarriage scare. I was worried with all her jet-setting while carrying a baby. You can't keep up the same frenetic pace. It's hard to walk out of limos to go to planes. Dish would totally stay in one place if I were carrying a wee one. Well, that's sort of what I do now. I'm not preggo.

Joy Behar is leaving The View after 16 years. I love her stick-to-it work ethic! There is so much stop and go again in this world.

Perhaps the worst news this week is that Valerie Harper has terminal cancer, perhaps three months to live. Oh, Rhoda. It's just unfathomable. Out of respect for her, I'm going to turn off Vanderpump Rules right now and observe a moment of silence over Valerie's awesomeness.

Scheduling Announcement...

It's sunk in that I have a book to write--the story of me and TG. It has to get done within three months. I know I can do it. Don't you want to read the whole story? I definitely do.

The sad thing is that I must be disciplined. I can't spend so much time watching TV or movies or chasing celebrity factoids (though I am seeing Jersey Boys tomorrow night!). Forgive my less frequent posting (like 4 times a week instead of 7). I'm sorry, Dishmama, though you know Susan Lucci or Susan Sarandon could totally play you in the movie. Chew on that for three months!

Barbara Stanwyck is a Goddess

I saw Double Indemnity and didn't get what the fuss was about. Stanwyck, Shwanwyck. You don't necessarily love everyone, right? Then I watched The Thorn Birds this weekend and now I get how she's amazing. Just watch this. Isn't she awesome/creepy? Maybe I just hated her hair in Double Indemnity. It's really hideous. Must go back through her repertoire. This will take months...

I'm catching up with my stories:

Smash: Is Debra Messing pregnant? I'm mystified by her maternity tops, though her wardrobe on the show has been rather fug. I might officially give up. The "talented" young artist Karen discovers is lame. His music is like what I just heard my cat hack up behind the couch. I will do anything for J-Hud and A-Hust, but the direction is just not one I like (I've been saying this since Day #1). Not only that but Jersey Boys's Matt Bogart was only on for three seconds, which is a waste of talent. If my DVR accidentally still records the show, okay, I'll watch obsessively every Tuesday.

Real Housewives of BH: Adrienne and Camille not on the reunion show. Hmmm. Okay. Just bring on Brandi. Wondering if there will be any catfighting at all. Put Faye on the couch.

Vanderpump Rules: ____ like _____ like ______like

Justin Needs Better Handlers

I'm going to feel sorry for Bieber in a few years. His star will have faded, he'll have a rough time with this. If he's smart, he'll do something else, test his brain, not have tumult follow him wherever he goes.

Oh, why do I bother. I don't care. I've gone through this so many times with Shaun Cassidy, Leif Garrett, David Cassidy, C. Thomas Howell--big stars who had to reinvent themselves after being huge child stars. It depresses me.

I'm rooting for the ones who find fame in their 50s.

Rest in Peace, Red!

Kim may have maternity wear issues, Hathaway has a flood of haters, Jen may still not be pregnant, but the world lost a valuable TV mom, One Day at a Time's Bonnie Franklin. Really really freaking sad.

So I leave you with this, one of my favorite TV theme songs ever.