Oh Oh Oh Oh!

That's my homage to Welcome Back Kotter's Ron Palillo aka Horshack who died at age 63 (heart attack, I'm reading). Will the stars just stay alive, please? The wheels on this treadmill are too fast for Dish. With gnashing shark teeth, the year 2012 has devoured so many of my idols. Rest in peace, dear Ron.

As I watched wicked Chris sleep with two women within the course of last night's Bachelor Pad, I realized ew and that my obsession with the show must be inherent misogyny and self-loathing. So why the giddiness? The women on the show (except for Lyndzi and Sarah) are pretty heinous. The men, more affable. There's an obvious disparity between the sexes. So why can't I boycott this candy?

Oh...and if you hadn't noticed: 10 more days until I see Duran Duran again! TG is escorting me to Connecticut, will walk me to the hall but refuses to attend (IMAGINE!).Knowing him, he will inadvertently run into Simon Le Bon and they'll become lifelong friends. THIS IS HOW FATE WORKS. Please, anyone and everyone, if you know them, tell them Dish has waited 30 years for a handshake and a chance to say thank you. Until then, I'll dance and lose my voice screaming. http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/showbiz/2012/08/07/cnn-music-duran-duran.cnn. In this area of life, I will always be 14.

Finally Jennifer Aniston Is No Longer Desperate!!!

Justin Theroux has saved Jen Aniston from a long, path of despair and shriveled ovaries. Brad Pitt dumped her for another woman and Jen's suffered ever since, pulling her flaxen hair into a silky sheen and beating her breasts until they became swollen mounds of bitterness. Gosh, ever since Brad left her, she's been plagued by her gazillions of dollars, making movies and dating high profile men. These last seven years have been UNLIVABLE...until now. Until Justin put a ring on her finger. But seriously, I'm happy for J.A....I mostly want her to choose better projects. Liked her in Derailed and Horrible Bosses.

At least execs are taking the Chad Johnson arrest seriously. He's been cut from the Miami Dolphins and his reality show axed. Now can we focus on more important items? Today I saw a picture of Kim Kardashian in a bikini. Good for her. I sort of like the not-skinny celeb "flaunting her curves*." I did this in Orlando 10 years ago, turning into the state's reddest lobster. Thank Jebus, no one documented my freckled derriere spilling out of my rainbow bikini. Kim's tush adores the camera way more. It's really hard not to look at it, but Dish knows female butts. KK's is so well sculpted that it can't be real. There has to be a combination of lypo and implants somewhere, even though she went to a doctor who verified that her butt was genuinely gigantic.**

I am not well.

Rest in peace, Helen Gurley Brown -- trailblazer extraordinaire who never denied the "girl" in the girl.

*The common term for "fat."
**That said, TG and I are obsessed with the Kardashians, a year after everyone else.

How to Lose a Wife in One Month

Isn't it romantic: I love a good head-butt when I ask my husband of one month about his condom purchase. The actual details are hazy to Dish who's still strepping, but if I were Evelyn Lozada I'd be sprinting out of my mansion. When your spouse draws blood, you get a divorce. The relationship won't get better. No 10-carat diamond is worth an almighty gash on the head. I'll never forget the day a friend came into my room with a face that looked like raw steak. The man she loved had beaten the sh*t out of her, all of a sudden one night. What do you do? Run.

Oy, now that Paul Ryan's the VP choice, my FB friends are going batsh*t posting why he's so bad. Of course, he's bad if you're a Democrat. You don't need to tell me. I won't vote for him but I will admit he's got a brain and that I'm VERY curious about his exercise regime. It's allegedly "punishing" and, as an exercise devotee, I want to know what makes a person rail thin -- aside from anorexia, which never worked for me. I love fit people's secrets.

The Elephant in the Room

Can we admit the obvious? Paul Ryan is handsome as sin and this is problematic for Democrats. Ryan may heart Ayn Rand and support radical reform that will cut many of us off at our knees, but Romney made the perfect choice. Romney by himself is so incredibly boring. Ryan is not boring. He may be a little too polarizing, though Dish feels he will begin an age of young hotties in the Republican party -- which the GOP desperately needs. A couple years ago, I saw him speak and thought, oh f*ck, he's going to be President someday. Mark my scary words, Dishreaders. I was a little surprised he was Mitt's choice, only because PR would gun for the presidency. The VP is erectile dysfunction itself. This campaign just got interesting...unfortunately. (Go Hillary!)

TG and I enjoyed The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo starring our friend Daniel Craig and the interesting Rooney Mara. Or Mara Rooney. It was a mite slow but my strep throat found it leisurely in the best possible way.

WTF, Fareed Zakaria, lifting a paragraph? If this ruins his career, then surely, television can stop enlisting Doris Kearns Goodwin as a beloved commentator on the presidents. Vomitte.

Stars and Streps!

I'd say my illness this past week -- strep and something bronchial -- was #4 worst of all time. Lucky for me, I have TG, who's been an excellent nurse. Here are my top clashes with disease:

1. Stomach flu of 2007. After my three days in the bathroom, ExBF16 thought it appropriate to eat a falafel in my presence. Another three days ensued.

2. Strep of 1993. I was maid of honor at my BFF's wedding and could barely stand. My face went down onto my cake plate. I look great in the pictures, though.

3. Flu of 1994. During the winter olympics, I was so weak I called to reunite with the moronic ExBF5, who was so obsessed with his lesbian landlord he wound up in jail soon after.

4. Strep of 2012. Though TG gifted me with this one, he's been princely about bringing me tea, soup, and coaching me through coughing fits.

5. Flu of 1977. "This fish tastes like cinammon," I said at a large family dinner. Dishmamamama immediately hightailed my ass to bed and brought me liquids at 15 minute intervals. I was too scared to say I felt like sh*t but she spotted my WASP-y repressed agony immediately.

6. Yuletide stomach flu of 1995: Merry freaking Christmas!

Happy Duran Duran Appreciation Day

Today is the official appreciation day for Duran Duran, though Dish feels this should be a daily event. I greet the dawn with Simon's quirky lyrics filling my head "with chopstick." By mid-morning, my sense of Nick Rhodes aesthetic kicks in. I notice architecture, the ripple in my coffee, well-rounded nostrils. At noon, I Tweet my every move to the masses, just like John Taylor. Tea-time is quiet, like Roger Taylor--well, except for my drumming on the coffee table while watching reruns of Sex and the City. By night I prepare again for my New Religion by rocking out like the unofficial but no less precious member of Duran Duran: the indubitable Dominic Brown. To all this, let's say Amen.

So...my mother has a wild crush on heartily enjoyed the star of Jersey Boys, John Lloyd Young, who dazzled us last night. She raved how impressed she was with his sparkling brown eyes vocal range and could we go see the show again? Tee hee. I bet she's obsessively watching Youtube videos of Jersey Boys right this second to enhance her knowledge of music history. Hurray! This means I might see the show again! Dish is beyond barking-batsh*t-obsessed with the music of Jersey Boys. John Lloyd Young was pure magic.

Rumors that smells like bullcrap: 1. Brangelina getting married this weekend in France? I dunno. This smells old to me. 2. That X-Files costars Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny are doing the XXX, which is the fervent wish of diehard fans (and greatest heartbreak of Disholdestfriend).

Patriarch Joe Simpson was busted for DUI. LOL! Frowny face.

Jersey Boys Again!!!

Dish is attending a play with Dishmama and her friends. Sadly, Dish is still streppy but not contagious. I have a voice, albeit a little Babs meets Lauren Bacall. There are concerns that I might cough too loud (valid) or seem too sick, thereby not presenting myself in the best light, so I'm voiding my mucus now and timing my coughs for appropriate intervals. TG is charmed by the whole thing. Marriage is a process of discovery. Just the idea that I'll be listening/seeing Jersey Boys gives me non-fever chills of excitement.

In the news, I guess Kanye feels that Kim is his "perfect bitch" and she's all over that. I'm sorry, people, even with this perfect endearment, my warm cockles aren't believing this romance is anything but a sham. I'd need to see raw sex tape footage.

Dish Has Strep

Jealous?

I've been too busy showing off my new squeaky voice to follow the stars. But I did find a few gems. Country legend Randy Travis was busted for DWI...naked. Living out of the limelight can be crushing. Maybe he could write a country song about the experience. Superskinnygorgeousblondactress Kate Bosworth, who made most people furious with her dating Alex Skarshunk, got engaged to director Michael Polish. Sometimes you just know. Right, Kate? Now get her bony ass out of my sight.

Joan Rivers proved herself a genius workhorse once again by staging a big hissy at Costco because the superstore didn't carry her book. This hissy boosted her book sales. Dishfriend read the book and said it was just too damn mean.

Just now, TG pointed to the screen during a televised celebrity party and said, "There's Icky Marmain!" For two seconds, Dish thought this was a real person. He tortures me.