Single and Ready to Take You into Outer Space!!!

Get out your laciest lingerie, ladies, because astronaut Buzz Aldrin is officially divorced! Maybe not so fast. This announcement comes just in time for songstress Taylor Swift. Poor girl might have broken up with One Direction's Harry Styles, something about a fight, she stormed off, that New Year's kiss all for nothing. Dishreaders, I don't think any of this is an accident. Hef and Crystal Harris are paving the way for the May-December romance in 2013. Gray is the new black. Taylor now needs some sweet lovin' from this space pilgrim. Otherwise, I'm sorry, Taylor, but you've reached your star-hunk quota.

Dish missed Downton Abbey last night and precious time with TG before his trip is cutting into my viewing of The Bachelor. What's a girl to do? I'm too ashamed to turn on the TV right now because he'll see what I watch. He doesn't buy that I like to observe female bonding in an unnatural situation.

Okay, he's brushing his teeth now, is about to go read his hoity-toity smart people books. I'm going to watch Sean Lowe (aka my cousin--not by blood, but he totally could be) try to choose Mrs. Right from 26 babes.

Thomas Gibson Arrest? So Unfair!!!

Forget racial profiling, what about celebrity profiling? Every day it seems the police are bringing in another trashed gorgeous person, who might have had a nip or two of the bubbly. Don't we have standards? Aren't there real criminals roaming the streets? It's like, if you're Lindsay or now Thomas Gibson, you can't have a drink or seven without having the fuzz come at you like black crows on a carcass.

Why I'm a great wife: Tonight is the premiere of Downton Abbey--with SHIRLEY MACLAINE for whom I'd take a bullet. I've waited months and months and months. Because TG has suffered through many hours of DishTV, we're watching his choice: Rachael vs. Guy Celebrity Cookoff. He's rooting for Gilbert Gottfried. Dish is rooting for Tori Spelling's husband.

One of my favorite moments on TV. If you don't like it, don't worry--I have a million favorites.

Justin Bieber, Smoking Doobies? NO WAY!!!

For the love of MaryJane, what is this I'm hearing about our favorite heartthrob even being in the vicinity of marijuana, much less smoking it? I'm bathing in pools of denial. All the tabs are aghast, flaunting pics of Boober holding a joint--like he's the President getting serviced by an intern. Sure, it's illegal in most states, but come on--he's a celebrity and a teenager with access to every possible sin. Dish is not implying she committed the same act at his age often, though props must be given that he doesn't have a needle in his arm on a daily basis. It's stressful being a teen role model. You don't even know.

Speaking of substance, Josh Brolin was arrested for public intoxication. Do you think Barbra bailed him out of the slammer? Oh wait, he's married to Diane Lane. Maybe they went together. Josh scares me, though is one of my favorite actors ever and should win an Oscar like yesterday.

I forgot: Downton Abbey comes back tomorrow, with our Shirl! She's only in a couple episodes (which makes me suspicious). I'll take it! Let's hope the season is all about Maggie, Lizzie McGovern, Bates and Anna and not the boring William and Mary--zzzzz.

Everyone is saying Lance Armstrong is going to confess to doping. It's the PC thing to do. But one can't forget, we're dealing with an a-hole here (I am very glad he survived cancer, would never wish him ill, but I still hold a grudge on behalf of my friend). A-holes tend to stay self-righteous, unless it's to fake remorse, which could result in another book deal and movie rights. Damn, he's totally going to confess....

Dish Tried to Spy But We Didn't Get There on Time!

Sadly, Dish and TG would make terrible paparazzi! He came home from his workout at Chelsea Piers, passing by the sh*tty High Line (I don't get what the big deal is--it's an elevated sidewalk) and saw a "movie" being filmed. Cool. Happens every day. We eat our mac and cheese and salad. I suggest to him that we spy, maybe do some real investigative journalism. There is hemming and hawing. Maybe we'll watch Sweet Genius and Cupcake Wars and then go. Two hours elapse. Filming takes forever right? We bundle up and walk four avenues over. They were striking the set. I scream at TG to go find out what's happening because he's the one ballsy enough to do it. If he sees Justin Bieber on the street, TG will casually go and ask how he likes his Ferrari. The answer is: They were filming Person of Interest.

That's my huge scoop!

Are you noticing lots of love and hate for Les Miserables? Dish is kind of impressed that there isn't the Oh This Is Automatically Great whitewashing as with Titanic, aka one of the worst movies ever. But I don't feel violent over it. We're all in agreement (except for DishfriendwholovesMattDamon) that Anne Hathaway was mind-blowingly great. Automatic Oscar.

What Really Happened with Hillary

When Hillary took this picture with Meryl Streep, I got suspicious. Meryl is such a troublemaker. She gets into everyone's business with her flashy smile and I-don't-care-about-fame facade. You know she wants to topple governments. Meryl set out to seduce Hillary or at least fog her up so that she had no idea how to deal with Libya. MS could secretly be on Boehner's payroll though I haven't confirmed. In a gigantic lover's spat--I'm guessing a pool of strawberry jello was involved and lots of bikinis--Meryl knocked Hillary to the ground and gave her the concussion. The stomach virus was pure BS, like Bolton said. And the reason why Chelsea looks so distraught coming out of the hospital is not over her mother's health. No, it's that her mom devised this elaborate scheme to lie on her back and watch Real Housewives of Miami. Me too, Hills!

A picture is worth 150 words-ish.

Russia Just Got Fatter

La France demande les high taxes, alors Gerard Depar-god a deciday to live en Russie. Il a gettay la permission de Putain--I mean, Putin--et le Russian dictateur a dit, May OUI! Join our countrie et pissay dans as many bottles as you wish sur les airplanes! France without Depardieu = La Less Smelly Catastrophe. Ou va-t-il live in Russia? 6969 Douchebagge Lane, bien sur.

Day 2 of the New Year

Okay, 2013, so far you're not amazing me. Just kidding! Just kidding kidding--screw you, fiscal cliff and congress. I'm not really sure what's happening nor have I watched the news in weeks. Someone said something bad happened. When it comes to $$$, my brain goes foggy. Where's my J-Crew catalog? So Chris Christie is mad and he just made a speech dissing all those bad people who squeaked through a crappy deal (though again, I'm not sure what the deal is). TG is slightly in love with CC now, though we both feel he's a little Me Me Me and a bully we never want to cross.

Some violence to start the year: Sofia Vergara's finance got into a fight during a NYE party in Miami.It's hard to imagine that a physically combative person would be good enough for our Sofia. Chris Guerra, a paparazzo, died while chasing Justin Bieber's car. Of course, there's a moral to the story, but the poor guy lost his life. His family must be devastated.


The Parents Television Council is pissed at Kathy Griffin over simulating oral sex on Anderson. Me too, I'm enraged. When I watch Kathy and Anderson on NYE, I expect wholesome fun and absolutely no dick jokes.

Dishmama is somewhere south of the border. Like way south. Hoping she sends a carrier pigeon soon to let me know all is well. I'm so stressed with worry, I'm seeing Jersey Boys tomorrow night!

Happy Baby Taffy New Year!

This is only funny if you watched Kathy and Anderson bringing in the new year on CNN last night. As usual, she was bananas, which was the best way to end this f*cker of a year Dish is swearing a lot more. Her bombastic behavior melds nicely with my WASP brother Anderson's discomfort.

In gossip news, Hugh Hefner finally settled down with that runaway bride Crystal Harris. Sixty-year age difference. Hard to know what that's about.

We had a leisurely New Year's day. Went ice skating at Chelsea Piers. Dish is a good skater but was cautious to avoid falling, concussion, blood clot, hospitalization. Because I've been sleepless for a good week, my balance is off. It doesn't take much for me to bump into things. TG was fully welcome to injure himself and did some experimenting with backward skating. I didn't fall. At one point, he glided toward me slowly, grimacing and then suddenly fell on his ass--as often happens with ice. A good day overall.

A sweet movie: Salmon Fishing in the Yemen. Emily Blunt can do no wrong.

Almost forgot. Seeing Jersey Boys on Thursday. This will help me forget about Hillary's health.