Feeling a Little Bloated

Readers, I am full of a substance akin to hot air. For my February resolutions, I decided I need to release a few things so that I can glide like a ballerina again. I need to banish:

1. My hate for Peter Berg because he flicked a cigarette in Dishbrother's face in high school. Peter has done great work and I have to focus on that. (Dishbrother has aged way better)
2. My fear of Hilary Swank and Julia Stiles's wolf teeth. The nightmares won't stop but perhaps if I ask them what they want, maybe they'll go away. I do love them as actresses.
3. The fantasy that Shirley MacLaine will conjure me and we'll take long hikes through the rough terrain of New Mexico. Then, after a meal of yogurt and dried fruit (her diet on the Camino), maybe we can both talk to Heath Ledger, Marilyn, Elvis and ask WTF happened. I long for this, but Downton Abbey will take up her time.
4. My inability to remember how Anderson Cooper is awesome. It's coming back now. He's doing a great job of reporting the horror in Syria.
5. The urge to watch Fox News, just for fun. They just suck--and not in a good way.
6. The propensity to follow the wave of Stupid, like getting caught up in the Kardashians (which won't go away) or all those housewives. My brain is filled with manicures, frozen faces and expensive dresses that look cheap. A FB Friend just "liked" a literary journal. Why am I not doing the same? Tee hee.

I can't release my foraging for star-gossip:

Like that anchorman Greg Kelly was cleared of rape charges. If there is a god, I hope she/he helps his accuser, whatever happened.

The Bachelor's big crybaby Jake Pavelka has joined Chippendales in Las Vegas. Wasn't he a pilot? It's so sad when skilled professionals go into show business. Self-respect doesn't live here anymore. Poor Jake.

House is ending after eight years. The sobbing you hear is TG, though that could be because our Fios isn't working.

Gary Busey is broke. I have two words: Point Break 2.

So Glad I Don't Work in Television!

Dish must remain cryptic about television appearance for another week--maybe another 5 days--but TG and I did our taping today. We enjoyed our one minute of air-time, though the 5 hours of waiting without adequate snacks took its toll. Don't get me wrong, we would do it again and again. Just next time, we're bringing work and a suitcase full of breakfast and lunch. The host of the show was as cute as a bug's ear. Still, we didn't get to meet her or him. We were quarantined from all celebrities--which we understood as normal (Anderson spoiled us rotten). At this taping, I *did* recognize the brother of one of my FAVORITEST moviestars and this was enough to make me hyperventilate. Proximity to a star or shared celebrity DNA is enough for Dish! Everyone associated with Adorable Host was lovely and helpful. The makeup artist was a delight and she gave me Kris Jenner eyes, which has opened new avenues for future Sephora outings. My hair turned out like crap, and I blame my overuse of Aveda's anti-humectant pommade and the sad mistake of thinking I can live without JJ for one second (I won't make that mistake again). So I look like the Human League from 30 years ago. At least I had my moment in the sun and you'll see soon how wonderful my husband is.

Other news:

1. M.I.A. split with gazillionaire beau/babydaddy. Maybe that's what the finger was for--or just to the universe itself.

2. Real Housewives of BH Reunion 2: I hated Brandi at first but now I love her, especially since she admitted to slashing her cheating ex's tires. What a complicated person you don't want to mess with. She's like the Oracle of Delphi. A truth teller, especially on taboo topics. Power to strong women!

3. Downton Abbey: I may be killed for saying this but I'm not enjoying this season as much. All the war stuff is so depressing. Wanna make a bet William's wiener will start working again, which will disrupt all of Mary's plans? Let's get back to Bates.

4. Proposition 8 ruled unconstitutional today! Wahoo!

5. Demi Moore is in rehab and apparently not allowed to look at the scale. I won't if you won't, Demi!!! I need Spanx for my Spanx!

M.I.A. is Genius!!!

As we watched the halftime show, TG asked, "Who're the other singers?" I told him about Nicki Minaj and M.I.A, a little reminiscent of Madonna's VMA appearance with Britney and Christina. Everyone talked about Madonna Frenching Britney and no one cared that she'd also kissed Aguilera. This time the lesser goddess M.I.A stole Nicki's thunder and flashed her middle finger on TV. Now everyone is talking about her! Hurray for the young who have absolutely no manners--flip off everyone, text at all times and be rude to their elders and don't care! M.I.A.'s stock just went up and I couldn't be more in awe. Dish is going to moon everyone in Chelsea and shout a hair-raising "EFF YOU" in the middle of Eighth Avenue. I'll be an overnight sensation! Moms beware!

Verdict on the halftime show: I've heard lots o' Madonna dissing, saying she's lost it (you try flipping around in stilettos at 52). Sure she lip-synched and didn't seem all that comfortable, but I bet if you were in the Superbowl itself, it was awesome. I've never seen the Material Girl smile so much. Love the gay gladiators and the Cleo reference and you gotta love a choir. One of the better halftime shows and they generally are lame anyway.

Re: Giants win. A part of me is experiencing Schadenfreude over beautiful people losing but I agree with Gisele that her husband couldn't f*cking throw and catch the ball. TG and I were saying "butterfingers!" an awful lot last night at Patriot fumbles.

In other news, Randy Travis arrested for public intoxication, caught with a bottle of wine outside a church. Poetry.

Delicious is the New Fabulous!

Since when are people "delicious?" I've been hearing this word used while gushing at others and it vexes me. Am now burying rage in the Superbowl, rooting for the Giants, scooping Cool Whip onto leftover Dulce De Leche ice cream.

Smash has been getting rave reviews so I had to watch. I'm a little song-tired but I tend to like Debra Messing and want her to succeed. Smash is Broadway focused, with dishy theater glitz and the usual pushy ahole divas running the show. Katherine McPhee is lovely and talented. I keep expecting an Ethel Merman to re-emerge. I miss the real gusto and character in a singing voice--like a Lady Gaga who really puts herself in a song, without needing to close her eyes to convey emotion. I wasn't blown away by Smash but it's okay. Then again...this is what I said about Prison Break, Glee, Queer As Folk and 24. Then I got hooked.

Who's glued to Downton Abbey tonight? And who thinks Bates is the new Darcy? DISH!

Star Sighting--Wallace Shawn!!!

1:50pm in Chelsea, hailing a cab. It's like he's stalking me, I see him everywhere. He wore a dishy green plaid jacket. Where was he going?

As usual, Saturday is a slow newsday. Suzanne Sommers got reconstructive treatment on her tatas. The gloriously evil character actor Ben Gazzara died at 81. Long may he reign! Brian Cashman's wife filed for dee-vorce right after some chickie extorted him for something. I dunno, baseball drama does nothing for me. Dish was fixated on Prison Break, TG did useful things, and then later we had Dishbrother and Dishbrotherhusband over for Pad Thai (homemade by TG) and brownie/ice cream/Cool Whip strawberry (homemade by Dish). Then everyone helped me pick out my clothes for my upcoming taping for television. By Tuesday, I'll cough up all info.

Happy Super Bowl Eve! Giants or Pats?

Mama, Gives Me My Pills!!! I Needs Another Oscar!!!

I fantasize daily about watching bad movies and eating popcorn with Meryl and Julia but I'm not sure I want to see them in a movie together. Today I read that they're set to star in the movie version of August: Osage County, which you know will be all acty, acty, acty--like maybe Erin Brockovich was a gimme and now she wants to do a real meaty role without hiking up her boobs. I can already hear her practicing, "Mama?" Clearly, she doesn't take Dish's advice to do another ROMANTIC COMEDY. Please! And co-star with someone as hot as she is. She and Meryl already have an Oscar. Please, do it for your loyal fans, Julia! No more serious angsty flicks where you don't get EXACTLY what you want in the end and by that I mean Getting The Guy. And don't Eat Pray Love your way through it because you had Too Much candy in that movie. Oh dear, this is turning into a stalker rant. I could watch you brush your hair, Julia. In fact, can't I? I'm having a diva moment because I'm going to be on TV soon. What am I going to wear?

If only Kim Kardashian were here to style me (segue). Speaking of, she's allegedly secretly dating Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez who seems to have dipped his nib everywhere if you believe all gossip. My burning--feverish and not in an STD way--question: Is Kim's addicted to athletes? This never works out in the end.

My dreams were almost realized (no, not the major Duran Duran one) when I read that Adam Lambert was the new front man for Queen. It may not be true, but I've been wanting this since his AI season. He is the closest they'll get to Freddie magic, though I know FM can never be replaced. Adam's got golden pipes, a real glam presence and being in a band might settle him down. It would get me to one of his shows, for sure.

Matt Bomer and Darren Criss to sing Duran Duran Mashup on Glee!

My mitral valve prolapse went apemonkeys with flutters, shivers and profuse sweating. Dish knew it was only a matter of time that Ryan Murphy--who is stuck in the 80s--would use Duran Duran since they are the 80s. And what better duo to cover these geniuses? Darren and Matt will do the boys proud. Cannot wait to squeal and hyperventilate.

I'm not sure if you saw the cover of today's Post but it made Dish LOL in the crosswalk. Gisele emailed her friends to pray for Tom be in good health for the Superbowl. Please ask God for him to win! Please, Lord! I don't like to imagine two beautiful people *not* getting what they want, so a Patriots loss might be ugly. Screw that, Giants all the way!

I learned today that Mitt Romney isn't worried about the very poor. Making him even more attractive, he was endorsed by Trump. That's New England sarcasm.

Sleep Groovily, God of Soul Train!

Mr. Soul Train himself Don Cornelius died of an apparent suicide. Who didn't love that show growing up? DC had serious health problems and this was his way out. Sad for him, sadder for his mob of fans. His legend will live on!

In other tragic Nick and Aaron Carter's sister Leslie died at the too-young age of 25. Cause unknown (but I'm reading Rx might be responsible). Lots of cause unknowns out there. Pill popping is an epidemic. Is it worse now than in the Marilyn Monroe/Judy Garland days?

Blake Lively claims she's had 4 boyfriends in her whole life. WHORE!

That's all I have. Back to Prison Break, my new bitch.