Someone Needs to Stop Public Speaking

Um...awkward!!! These people should be vetted before allowed to endorse publicly. Tommy Lee Jones did a nice job raving about Al Gore, managing to make this candidate seem exciting. Clint was just plain embarrassing -- and I sort of enjoy him. Get another Republican actor--there are plenty! The most cognizant speaker of the night was Marco Rubio. Dish doesn't share many of his beliefs but at least he sounded sane. Mitt's speech was okay. I hope at least the DNC is funner.

American Idol is going to hell. All the original judges are gone and most of us are watching The Voice instead. Nicki Minaj and Mariah don't do it for me. There's a rumor Keith Urban might sign on, which might get me to watch. Mr. Nicole Kidman gets my vote!

Russell Brand and Ginger Spice dating? Why? She was always my favorite. I even forgive her naming her daughter Bluebell Madonna. It's kinda pretty... My next child will be Nicotine Cher!

Dish and TG are suffering from bad chicken salad with potentially tainted mayo. Just the thought makes me ill. I ate it Wednesday and still feel gross. TG ate it yesterday and today. We aren't very happy. This too shall pass.

Un Petit Petit News

LeAnn Rimes checked into some kind of treatment center over possible anxiety issues. Oh, LeAnn, can I come too??? I have anxiety. My stomach hurts and I can't sleep. Plus, I can't sing. Let us all pray that LeAnn comes out of this singing and laying off the bikinis.

Giuliana and Bill Rancic have a baby boy: Edward Duke. Finally, a not-strange celebrity name. This baby might turn out okay.

There's this painful rumor going around that Jennie Garth and Luke Perry are dating. My whole body started shaking with pleasure when I read this. Do you remember when they had this TORRID affair on 90210 and he cheated on Brenda while she was in England? Then Brenda came home all skinny and mean. I even remember the cheating song: Damn, I wish I was your lover. Please, please let this be true. BRANDON AND KELLY FOREVER!!!!

Republican Convention Recap: Day Two

Okay, Everyone. If you were watching Who the Bleep Did I Marry or The U.S. Open or the Weather Channel, here's what happened at the RNC, short for Really Nice Crew!

Rand Paul: zzzz, Vote Mitt even though my daddy isn't that into him...look at my freaky eyes, zzzzz, roads, America, Vote Mitt Romney!

John McCain: I know Mitt, zzzz, Obama bad because he doesn't kill enough foreigners, military yay, zzzz, America, my under-chin waddle distracts even me, foreigners are scary, leadership, Iranian Netta died in the street and Obama practically killed her himself, I am old, Vote Mitt!

Condaleeza Rice: 9/11, 9/11, unpleasant, my control top gives me this pinched tone, 9/11, security, Obama reversed W.'s great work, downward spiral like planes in WTC, shrill, Arab Spring, on the brink, watch the f*ck out! Vote Mitt.

Paul Ryan: Trying to be calm, dying to break out into aerobics, Obama is the Satan in your cereal, zzzz, zzzz, lies, lies, lies, calm, folksy, nicey, my dad died, I hear your pain, lies, domestic problems. Vote Mitt.

The fire of Chris Christie didn't come on this night. The boredom factor is way too high in general. And the lies!!!

Dish likes to see both sides but you know there's trouble when even Fox News and David Brooks diss the GOP candidate.

I'm so sick. Along with the sappy retrospectives on the Bushes and Ron Paul, they done a nice 3-minute short with a few rape victims, legs in stirrups, with caring doctors telling them they have no choice and isn't that great?

In Case You Missed the Republican Convention...

...Here's what happened:

Rick Santorum: Me me me me me me me me me, vote Mitt Romney.
Ann Romney: I love Mitt.
Chris Christie: Me me me me me me me me me, vote Mitt Romney.

And yet, it was such a sexy grouping of Caucasians!

Even hotter were the updates on Hurricane Isaac by ever-luscious Anderson Cooper and some hunkalicious meteorologist. Anderson's hair was totally f*cked from the rain, which made the reporting authentic. Dish kept hoping the rain would blur the camera, shielding viewers from a soft brush of lips. Oh, whoops? Dish has been missing her Queer As Folk. CNN is all I have...

With one week left, DD canceled the rest of its tour. Kinda cringe-worthy, isn't it? One lap left of the marathon and Nick was felled by a virus. Reminds me of when I slept through my very first college class: Calculus II--a moment I'll never get back. I disappointed everyone, especially the barely-conscious octogenarian prof who gave me a C- (I should have failed). I needed my sleep. Sometimes, you just have to stop the world.

Because Donald Trump Is So Gorgeous!!!

Sir Ginger Combover Red Dye #69 Snapper Donald Trump shot a steaming wad from his piehole, attacking Arianna Huffington for whatever reason. He thinks her husband was right to leave her because she's an uggo. Funny, he said this right around the time Dishcat took a steamer on the carpet and called it breakfast. The hole in the ozone widened just a little more, just as polls laughed at his idea to run for President in 2016. SGC's wives, surely, love him for his poetic soul and daunting charisma, the way his stormy eyes glisten when he sees a child hugging a stuffed bear. It's not the money. He is a beautiful man inside and out*.

Bachelor Pad Observation: The best part about this show is the burgeoning love between evil Kalon and sweet Lindzi. The next best thing is watching the Mensa candidates participate in a spelling bee. What dastardly beings these producers are! Lastly, Ed is a tool. I think we've all dated several versions of him. A faux hawk at his age = lame.

DD Update: They've canceled Ohio gig, which is so understandable. If you're sick, it's the last place you want to be.** Get better, Nick Rhodes. If you have that nasty sore throat/chest/streppy thing, it takes weeks to recover, but a Z-pack antibiotic will wipe out the worst of it. Take a flashlight to the throat for advanced entertainment.

Roger Moore's favorite bond is Daniel Craig. Dish's too! Though Roger is #2 for me.

*NOT!

**Please, PC police and residents of Ohio, allow Dish her hatred of Ohio. It's based on years of concrete experience, including birth which my parents couldn't help. At least I was born in the USA.

Ps. Arianna is hot. And way powerful.

I Think I Need To Give Up Meat and Frito's

Dish pulled a Britney and devoured a whole bag of Frito's at 11pm, justifying that I needed "fuel to continue working." Then I finished the marinated beef TG made for dinner. This morning, I feel like Merritt Parkway roadkill. No more junk food and meat. Dishmama will have to work that much harder to fatten me up (there's always cake).

Lindsay Lohan is in more trouble. Maybe she should just go directly to jail. If she's a jewel thief, she's a bad one as she keeps getting caught. Go to college and take some humanities courses, Lindz. There's a big world out there. In the meantime, I'm going to blame Lindsay for everything that goes wrong in my life.

I know many of you despaired over my existential misery at the last Duran Duran concert at Foxwoods. Never fear! I signed up to be a "GOLD" (Spandau Ballet song) member of their fan club, which means lots of merchandise and access to stuff! I'm not sure I have time for full-on psychosis but what the hay. Don't tell TG.

Last night, I tried to watch Bachelor Pad, but TG protested, saying it wasn't "virile" enough. So we watched Cupcake Wars instead. I insisted that Florian wears lipstick, but TG maintain the French pastry master's ruby red lips are perfectly natural.

I Hate to Break It To You...

...but there is nothing going on today*. We are so bored. TG is listening to a Rabbi and Muslim debate Jesus on Youtube. We're one step away from watching Small Town Security, except Dish erased them before TG could find them in our queue.

I was so bored, celebrity-wise, I searched for updates on Nick Rhodes's health. The word "exhaustion" always raises a red flag for me, but I can't believe Master Rhodes would ever, ever abuse his body with anything other than cigarettes, vino and vegetarianism. I found no news and can only pray he recovers swiftly with B-12 shots and a few days' rest. On the treadmill, I wondered what I'd do if one of the Durans got really ill. I don't know how I'd cope. You hear about illness all the time but when it hits someone close to you...

I need to eat dinner.

Congratulations to Rosie O'Donnell on her marriage. I managed to see a snippet of Kelsey Grammer and his new wife interviewed by Oprah. Just bizarre, but she seems nice. Jennie Garth has lost a lot of weight (boo), looks haggard amidst all the praise for her skinniness.

TG is cooking. Who needs to be deathly thin when someone is willing to cook for you?

*Except for Isaac's "surges" and the Republican Convention.

Snooki Is a Mom

I haven't broken the news to TG, that Snooki had a baby boy. His little girl is all grown up, a mama herself. The lambs are screaming in my head. I think she might be a good mother, after all.

Snooki named her boy Lorenzo. Reminds Dish fondly of the Oberlin, Ohio pizza joint by the same name. It added to my Freshman 15, making my ass into a large, flat caboose. Lorenzo's (and pitchers of Killian's Red) got me through college in the Ohio cornfields. Translating passages of Cicero also helped. I had to throw that in there, didn't I? Money well spent, Dishmama!

Florida is having a hurricane, postponing the Republican Convention. Randy Travis is melting down faster than you can say Wild Turkey. Duran Duran canceled another mega-gig due to illness. My hair is frizzier than ever. Mother Nature is PISSED off about something. I'm sticking 80% dark chocolate on my window sill so she leaves me the f*ck alone -- with all due respect.

Mentionitis: Duran Duran never cancels so keyboardist must be sick as a dog. Because I'm Dish, I can't help but think my panicked vibes from Friday caused this. I feel terrible about letting down the fans.