I Worry About Harvey Levin Most of All

And we think Ryan Seacrest is the hardest working man in show business. I'm sorry, it's Harvey Levin. Ryan just reads from cue cards, right? Harvey is a lawyer and he's also on a million shows. I watched him on The People's Court today and his eyes were at half mast. Reminded me of Kate Moss.

Headliners from 15 years ago are BACK! Monica Lewinsky and Kato Kaelin suspiciously wound up in the news around the same time. Coincidence? I think not! Hasbeens are appearing like those holes in a pot where water comes out and you have to plug them up by giving them a reality show or a book deal. Dish is a Monica fan just because if you blow the President then have no life for over a decade and everything goes to hell while he's revered and admired once again, well, that sucks. I want her to make tons of dough. I'll buy her book. Oh, and Kato said OJ did it or maybe he didn't. Whatever, he's in the news again, and this gives me gas.

Paris Hilton said something about gay men being disgusting and having AIDS. It was an outrageous thing to say but sounds like a bad joke and she was recorded.

So more about me:
Food: chicken, egg, Gatorade, 2 minuscule chocolate squares, two bites of grilled cheese before TG comandeered it.  
Run: 3 miles, sweating everywhere. Arm weights.  
Mood: Okay. Watching Bride Wars because I can't get enough of Kate Hudson.  
Aches and Pains: Back pain, gas from reading about Kato on TMZ
Today's Fave Celebrity: Uncle Willy from Restaurant Stakeout. TG and I are obsessed!!!

Cable Is Easier to Get in Outer Space!!!

So Star Trek god Sir Patrick Stewart tried to get his Time Warner Cable hooked up but got no service, lackadaisical response and outage-ness (like his belly button?). PS got so pissed he took to Twitter, then got instant response because he's a star. Dishmama got the runaround from TWC for MONTHS so she switched to Fios. And so did we.

Lindsay Lohan was arrested for leaving scene of accident. Her victim seems to be a scheister so she might be right this time about being set up.

Our favorite trampire Kristen Stewart might be back together with Robert Pattinson, just in time for the latest Twilight movie premiere. I stopped at the Dakota Fanning one. I have no emotional investment in this story.

Shakira's hips don't lie. She's preggo! Thank goodness. We've been waiting forever for her to get knocked up.

Blog readership seems to be down so I'll just talk about me, if no one's reading: I'm middle-aged, barren, my manicure just chipped and I have arthritis!!! (I can live with this)

I Think Uranus Delivered Its Load This Week

So yeah, the Mitt Romney thing has stuck. Everyone is talking about it. Now we just stand back and see if he's truly sunk or if Obama will do something worse. Is Mitt like Teflon? Will his nasty words change the minds of voters? Dish tends to think people know their candidate and the vote doesn't change. Though...I wasn't going to vote in 2008. I'm not sure what changed my mind, maybe that I overcame my irritation over the starry-eyed Obama devotees who left Hillary in the dust. I still am bitter about that, but the election isn't about me. I definitely voted in an election that mattered, even though my vote didn't really matter. It didn't make me feel amazing. I was just being a citizen. This year, it's much clearer to me.

I'm not sure I like seeing Jennifer Aniston pregnant. It's a disturbance in the force! But I enjoy her humor. Am I being un-PC to prefer her un-pregnant?

Alexis, by far the most fun one to hate, is leaving The Real Housewives of Orange County. Rumor has it that she got kicked off, but I don't see how the network could do that. She's too fun to watch. Was it the weird husband? I'll never buy that she wants to live life away from cameras.

I love Kate Middleton's reaction to the titty photos: smile and dance. Really, who gives a flying scone slathered in clotted cream? There's not much you can do except stay covered forever. That means you, Prince Philips. Please avoid all future wang shots.

The rags can't help playing up the American Idol feuding between Mariah and Nicki. So pathetic. Why does it have to be the divas? Why can't they talk about tension between Randy and Keith. I don't believe a word. We see through your paltry ways, AI machine.

Tori Spelling had emergency surgery after complications with her recent C section. My uterus is yowling in pain. Get well soon, Tori!

Special healing prayers for Robin Roberts as she goes for her bone marrow transplant on Thursday. You can keep up with her on this blog. Go Robin!!!

Is That Romney Gaffe as Bad as It Sounds?

Dish is a little tired of biased reporting but the news on Huffpo is that Romney dissed 47% of Americans, said if he were Hispanic he'd win, among other strange weirdness. CNN and Fox News haven't latched onto this mouth-diarrhea. I have high hopes for Jon Stewart and Colbert.

Otherwise I'm so intensely bored by the lack of star excitement (Kourtney Kardashian pulled her daughter out of her own vajajay) that I went to straight to reading Patti LuPone's autobiography. It's a little zzzzz at first but I got hooked right in at around 50 pages. Now I can't wait to finish. She is incredible in every way! All other life is on hold. I've heard she's a total bitch but you know what? She works like a dog and lights up a stage/screen. Totally in love with her, Dishbrother met her during her Evita run and was crushed by her aloofness. Now I get where it comes from. I'm inspired to work harder in my own life. Thanks, Patti! Did you know she had a long relaysh with Kevin Kline? I'm only halfway through and I have so much dirt already!!!

Much ado about Amanda Bynes who keeps driving even though she shouldn't. She's talking to inanimate objects (nothing wrong with that) toking and driving and drinking and making a menace of herself. This is what happens when you're out of the spotlight.

I tried to watch Dr. Phil's interview with Dina Lohan but TG walked in. I immediately hid the screen. So far, though, I have to side with Dina. Not a great mother, for sure. Sh*t-faced for the interview, I don't think so. It's obvious that she's been physically abused--and really badly. She tended to cower like a wounded animal. No doubt, she deals with some kind of anxiety disorder (I would, too) and festering terror. To go on Dr. Phil willingly, she must have wanted the spotlight but when it was on her, she withered under the scrutiny. I didn't see drunkenness so much as high anxiety. Maybe she took a couple Xanax before, but that didn't seem to help.

My secret hero Shaun White, the Flying Tomato, was arrested for public intoxication and doing harm to himself. He got wasted, trashed a hotel room, fell and busted his head open. I bet it was over a girl. We gingies always have an especially hard time with love. People think we're aliens.

How Long Do You Give Mariah Before She Has a Hissy?

American Idol has a new star-studded judging roster. Will it save the show? After listening to J.Lo butcher the English language in her recent interview on Katie, I'm ready for a literate panel. And yet, with Christina's expanding body mass, Adam's whorishness, Simon's awesomeness, Britney's unpredictable brain chemistry and our song-contest fatigue, The Voice and X Factor will rule ratings. Come January, we might be more into Mad Men and less the damn competitions. Despite this, Dish enjoys Keith Urban because he was nice enough to marry Nicole. Mariah might spoil that pleasure with her butterfly bullshit ways. TG and I only watch the beginning auditions where everyone is bad. Hoping, praying there will be passive aggressive zingers between Mariah and Nicki.

Last night, Jay Pharoah premiered his Obama on SNL. Not bad, Jay! In fact, SNL sucked less than usual, thanks to Seth MacFarlane and this new cast. The show lost its heavy hitters, but I'm not so sure they weren't just dead wood. Let's hope the real stars shine (though it still needs stronger writing and less political correctness). Dish has a total professional crush on Seth. I'm not sure how he does it. He's completely brilliant. Possibly a psychopath.

Rising Above the Shaky Camera in End of Watch

Ever since Blair Witch and Traffic, Dish has hated the oh-so artistic shaky camera and whiplash editing styles of today's filmmakers. I understand you have to show Stress, Desperation and a Sense of Urgency, but can't you do that without turning my stomach?

It was with great trepidation that Dish went to last night's Director's Guild showing of Jake Gyllencute's End of Watch. I did it for Jake and Michael Pena, both of whose work I've enjoyed over many years. After about 20 minutes, I got used to the shaky camera even though it still pissed me off. This flick is a delight and one of the few cop/buddy movies that seemed realistic, without the usual law enforcement baloney. Gyllenhaal and Pena are credible as cops who deal with enormous stress and boredom on a daily basis. I highly recommend. Really hope this gets some Oscar attention since it's well deserved for both actors.

Jake and Michael (I can first name them) came out afterwards for a Q&A session. I was stunned at how articulate they both were, as if they each had college degrees and read actual books. In fact, they were mega-nerds. Such wits, the boys were so obviously into their "craft." Some superficiliaties: Jake is not a super-stud in person, not so tall either. He has a nasty beard and seems very mountain-man-ish or still recovering from 90s grunge. Dishbrother and I ditched our Jake-napping plans immediately. After the Q&A sesh, we walked out, slowing down so that we could catch up with Jake-i-poo. Wearing the usual star-baseball-cap, he walked unnoticed with some friends, then whipped out a cigarette. We shadowed him for about a block, then realized we were too old/not losers to keep following him.

In other news, as the Middle East freaks out over that silly film (which I'm surprised anyone takes seriously because it's so stupid), Europe keeps sucking on the teet of exploitation with topless pics of Kate Middleton. Mitt Romney is trying to be hip by saying he likes Snooki. Please, don't insult us. She is so three years ago.

In This Time of Crisis...

...a French magazine has nothing better to do than publish photos of Kate Middleton topless, thereby spoiling our visions of her in sleek solid dresses and skyscraper heels. Now all we see are her tatas. Celebrity breasts are invading the world!

I'm going to escape Mammary Cove with a Director's Guild viewing of End of Watch, starring Jake Gyllenhaal, who will appear in person for a Q&A session. It goes without saying that Dish and Dishbrother's gorgeosity will make it hard for Jakeipoo to concentrate. But we're married, therefore, off limits. And yet, I wouldn't mind a peck on the cheek because those are the lips that kissed Heath Ledger, one of my favorite actors ever. Jake is no slouch either. Maybe if Maggie shows, we could go out on a double sibling date.

On this double sibling date, I'd ask all kinds of questions. Like how Maggie felt taking over for Katie Holmes in the Batman movies. Did Jake like dating Reese or was she a total bitch? No, she was probably awesome. Why wouldn't she be? What was with the homoerotic workout fests with Jake, McConaughey and Lance? And is Peter Skarsgard (or whatever), Maggie's husband, still running in barefoot sneakers or did he give them up as Dish did? I think I'd have more in common with Maggie though it's not as if this is Duran Duran.

I'm sure I'll still need a Snickers to relax.

Why Is Everyone Being an A-Hole Today?

Is it just me? Rushers rushed down the stairs as if I weren't there. I seemed to say the wrong thing and with my scratchy voice, it never sounds good. Cellphoneaholics blocked my path to and from my destination. The treadmill didn't want me. And mostly, I've encountered snappish humans who've made me snappish. Screw you all!

Now that that's out of the way.

Maybe I'm upset because I am resisting Glee. I don't want to get hooked into another season yet the guilt might make me cave. Then again, if I turn on the TV, it might interrupt someone's more important work. All I do is flit and flutter about.

Alison Pill must be drunk, desperate and off meds since she accidentally tweeted her tatas to the world. There are no accidents and she caught us yawning. I liked her in Milk and In Treatment but I've lost all respect for anything she's done. Who's next, Susan Sarandon? Actually, that would be okay. She has great jugs!

I'll have to watch this mess on Dr. Phil. And you think I'm slurring and out of it. Cannot wait to see Dr. Phil therapize the one who bore a culture killer.

Sally Struthers busted DUI.

Some scoop from Katie's new show and the episode with J.Lo. Allegedly, J.Lo was gorgeous and friendly with fans. But Katie was on edge and didn't seem to jibe with J.Lo, like something was "off." Maybe J.Lo demanded too much, i.e. Vitamin Water, monogrammed M&Ms and peppermint flavored laxatives, in her dressing room. Dish is applying for free tickets IMMEDIATELY.

Since I heard Daniel Day Lewis was playing Lincoln, I was itching for a trailer. Sadly, the vomitatious Spielberg music and self-righteous over-acting might make me skip this in favor of The Master.