Really, People Magazine?

Bradley Cooper is People's Sexiest Man Alive. They get it wrong every year (except for Mark Harmon and JFK jr) but at least it's someone who's reached his prime within a couple years of this issue--and not 10 years prior. I see his eyes and think Serial Killer Who Must Kill Cat Downstairs. Well, he speaks better French than I do and that makes me mad.

I'm starting a new franchise: Hottest Person Who's Six Feet Under. This year, my vote is for Copernicus because he said Earth revolved around the sun, which is HOT.

Alleged With-Bieber-out-of-wedlock-procreator Maria Yeater dropped her paternity suit against the little tyke. Maybe she found a better babydaddy. Like Jesus?

I've relearned a lesson thanks to the most recent Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Women who starve themselves are more likely to have a crazy meltdown. Witness Taylor going off on the Vanderpump. A normal person with normal blood sugar would accept an apology and explanation and move on. This was truly the precipice of hell itself and, gosh, I hope she's doing better now. I like Taylor, weird party for her child and all.

This pains me: The Iron Lady trailer looks positively wretched. I love Meryl to pieces, but this is a stinker. Or at least the trailer captures the corniest moments with Meryl needing to scale back. Not the Iron Lady but Julia Child--UK! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yDiCFY2zsfc.

Another Reason I Should Have Been a Kardashian...

...if I'd gotten a 90K Range Rover at a young age, I might not have confused our family's Volvo with the female vulva. I learned both words around the same time and I can't hear one without the other--those dirty, dirty Swedes. Then again, the Saturn Spenis is suggestive.

You need to live on more than Melrose Place. Heather Locklear and Jack Wagner called off their engagement. I'm devastated except maybe Hez can set her cap for Kris Humphries, up her profile. Do Not Return to David Spade. Unless he's nice.

I saw my first lesbian KY commercial. PROGRESS!

The police/the mayor evicted the OWS protesters and hosed down Zucotti (?) Park. I just pray the protesters don't get near my daily environs. I believe in the cause but not really this particular physical protest itself.

I didn't think it was possible but The A List: Dallas contains more vile morons than New York. The cast is incredibly affected, playing diva-moviestars and it's a given that everyone is a lush. And the drama: OMG, he pushed me in a pool. OMG, he's drunk. OMG, how will I throw this party when I'm so drunk? I can't come to your party because I have business. Eyerolls. A loser-fest. I thought it might be interesting to give gay Christian Republicans a voice on TV but they are as awful as the liberal Dems. It's the poorest, most insulting representation of the gay community that I've ever seen--aside from the usual cliches. The Real L Word was more interesting with some complex people and relationships.

Hasselbeck vs. Maher on The View. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kBHy2HiWjc. Good for her for having the confidence to pick a fight with someone who's way smarter than she is. She needs a martini and a Xanax.

Sweet Forty-Three

I have so little to report. I woke up at 5am and couldn't get back to sleep. I'm trying not to watch TV. Cheated a little with Dexter, but that's like literary, right? Back to reading, and I tend to read three books at a time. Right now it's women's fiction's Rachel Gibson Not Another Bad Date (fun!), Tony Robbins's Unlimited Power (two typos within first twenty pages but I want to see what fuss is about) and Zola's L'Assommoir (dark as f*ck but love the downward spiral).

In Starland, Brad Pitt announced that he'll quit acting in three years. THANK GOD! No seriously. He should never make those Cher/Barbra/Barry-esque comments. Loved him in Moneyball! Needs to get Oscar before he quits. Kim K is hostessing New Year's Eve in Vegas. I'm so glad she's picked herself up after the divorce stuff. Her sister Kendall got a 90K Range Rover for her sweet 16. I got a turquoise necklace!!! What gives, Dishmama? Oh wait...I just had a wedding...

Star Sighting--Rebecca Romijn

1pm, 18th and 7th: Gym-bound Dish spotted a tall gorgeous blonde walking with a little girl. The woman wore sunglasses but the face was unmistakable, especially when she smiled at her little girl and said, "Okay, you can keep your eyes closed, but you have to hold my hand." So funny because I say that to TG all the time.

Wow, just read this cheating exposay by Kat Von D. http://on.fb.me/tTFBAP. Felt so sad last year when I read she'd started dating Jesse James but thought eventually she'd find her way. A talented and unique individual, she will always land on her feet. I don't recommend trashing an ex on the internets, though this must have felt REAL good. Go, KVD!

Justin Timberlake did attend that Marine Corps Ball with that soldier, after all! Wish Youtube had existed in the 80s. I would have asked Duran Duran to prom!!!

Between you and me, I was friends with Frank Miller a few years ago. We had a blast. The only way friendship could happen was that I met him before I knew who he was. So, no hyperventilating and overly-eager questions about his marvelous life. To me, he was just a chatty geezer with old-fashioned charm and values. We talked about movies, politics, celebrities. Now I read this polarizing tidbit about his views about Occupy Wall Street. I can't say it surprises me. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/13/frank-miller-occupy-wall-street_n_1090790.html?ref=entertainment. I don't totally agree with him, but I still consider him a friend and great conversationalist.

Can you hear my screeching laughter? Fox's Torquemada Bill O'Reilly wrote a book about Abe Lincoln and made several factual errors. What an idiot! http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/13/bill-oreilly-killing-lincoln-errors_n_1091168.html?ref=homepage. A bully, bad to women, not a scholar. Where's the trapdoor, America?

Dieting Tip from Victoria's Secret Model

I'm not sure this is true. Victoria's Secret model Adriana Lima explained her pre-show crash diet. For nine days before a show, she has an all-protein shake liquid diet. I've heard liquid diets make you ill. But then, how do babies do it? Mothers tell me diaper changing only gets nasty when solids are involved. So maybe Adriana Lima's doody is much more manageable. It all comes down to sh*t. I'm very sleep deprived.

Best news ever: Rookie catcher for the Washington Nationals Wilson Ramos was rescued in Venezuela. Thank Cher he's back! I imagine he'll need a lot of TLC before he gets back to training. Welcome back!

Kinda funny, Liam Neeson being funny while serious. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/11/ricky-gervais-and-liam-ne_n_1089087.html.

J.Lo allegedly dating a back-up dancer. Why, girl? Been there, married that (though second hubby did seem like a sweetheart). Maybe, like Madonna, men are intimidated by her. Today was J.Lo movie day on some channel but I couldn't bring myself to watch Monster-in-Law. The Wedding Planner is no longer watchable. Offended by McConaughey's strange hair. We watched Shallow Hal. It was terrible!

Did You Get Your 11-11-11 On?

It was okay, this day, wasn't it? I mean Kim Zolciak from Atlanta Housewives got hitched. Everyone and their mother had the same 11-11-11 status update. Demi Moore turned 49 and is better than ever (though too skinny!). Kris Humphries has lawyered up to face the truth and dodge a massive bullet. Charmed witch Holly Marie Combs filed for divorce herself.

Dish tried to watch Boss but it looked bad. I'm not sure Kelsey Grammer can really act. Only got through two minutes. Did catch up on my Glees and see what Hershey was so a-twitter about. Agree now that Darren Criss is a god. My favorite moment was seeing the Warblers singing "Uptown Girl": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lSDqzbN2-zo. Reminds me to get a ticket to "Jersey Boys." Here's another one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pB1cx16TEfk&feature=related.

Beyond exhausted. As we were watching Law & Order, TG informed me that he met Jerry Orbach and Benjamin Bratt--that Bratt was especially nice. The two stars were so enthralled with TG that they invited him back "to the trailer for coffee." Probably a huge lie but you gotta give TG props for trying.

The Host with The Most Is Back...

Ladies and Gentlemen, you can all breathe a sigh of relief. The paler than Dish host you want has materialized, just in time to retrieve the wreckage from the bottom of the barrel. Richard Simmons's Billy Crystal's mighty pecs quiver with manliness as he stares down at the pitiful, unfunny, waste of time the Oscars have been in recent years with much funnier yet less-magic-touch-possessing hosts. BC nestles the limp phallus that was the mighty Oscars in his loving, ripped arms. Will Oscar live again? (wish Ricky could have done 2 shows...)

Just caught up on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Did Kelsey Grammer *really* cross-dress? No biggie, I mean, I learned on Divorce Court that this *is* a hetero thing. No judgment here just gossipy. Many pot-shots taken on his masculinity this season. Don't blame the wives one bit. Imagining him in red satin teddy.

Dominating the news is the fired Penn State football coach and ongoing rape cover-up. Nothing beats the vileness of the abuse itself but outraged crowds supporting those who covered it up belong in landfill.

Dish being very castrating.

Oscar Hissies

The big news is that Brett Ratner resigned/was fired from producing the Oscars after many offensive comments. Was it the fag remark rather than his usual--often violent--misogyny that did him in? He always struck me as a Gigantic Tool, but the world is so politically correct. No one can say anything. Worst of all, Eddie is gone, too! He would have been an interesting host. Make no mistake, I find Ratner to be a vile creature but I still hate that this happened.

Herman Cain: More sexual harassment charges. He says he'd take a lie detector test. Oh really? Speaking of pizza, Mariah has lost her baby weight. Wonder when it'll come back on because she yoyos--which I'm all for because that's reality. I'm told Glee was positively gorgeous last night. Was sex and Darren Criss involved?

Dish is going to read Sartre's Les Mots, about some chick who becomes crazy when she hangs out with someone crazy. I will read in the original French because It's French Existentialist Wednesday!