Who's Suffering from Post Traumatic Tabloid Disorder?

I need therapy. There are rumors of another Kardashian reproducing. I'm sure they're false, but the suspense is dizzying. Is she fat or pregnant? Baby bump or no? Why is she wearing big clothes? Will her baby end all her sentences in question-marks? Will she drive a Bentley or a sh*tty Jaguar? Let the merry go-round stop.

I've got better things to do, like book tickets to my next Duran Duran concert. Will this finally be the one where I meet them? If so, I'll wear large sunglasses to hide my tears of joy. Must also hide details of expensive trip from TG. He doesn't read this blog anymore so I can write whatever I want! No holds barred.

Last night's Smash: I'm not sure what happened. Love Uma but I see Jaws snaking through the water with Marilyn ready to jump.

I heard of a lawsuit against The Bachelor/The Bachelorette for discriminating against African-Americans. They *must* discriminate since there haven't been anything but white Bachelor/ettes. They sneak in another race--and someone from NYC--now and then as rivals for affection but inevitably that one person takes a hike early on. I'm all for diversity in my crappy reality shows!!! Counting the days until Emily Maynard gets her chance. What if Brad shows up during the season?

Everyone is abuzz over the Brangelina marriage. Plans being made for France, in a chateau, small town church. I don't buy ANY of it. With a big rock on her finger, she's just another skeletal UES socialite, not the woman going on crusades for the poor/hungry. Is Vera Wang going to make the dress? Is she giddy with excitement over food tasting, party favors and invites? I'm thinking nyet!

Speaking of wedding and skeletal people...Dishbrother and I have vowed to be super-skinny for a wedding related event we're attending in three weeks. We want people to think we're sick with match-stick legs and sunken cheeks. Lucky for me, cutting my portions in half has helped me lose about 5 pounds. Artificially-induced stress does wonders as well. I'm blowing it all to hell with a corn muffin tonight. This is why I'll never be on television (Anderson, you also spoiled my dream by leaving me on the cutting room floor).

Gerard Butler Is Enjoying Himself. Stop Him!

First he's singing in bars, now he's whooping it up at Coachella. Gotta keep close watch on him because stars cannot have fun, especially once they leave rehab. Especially if they are adults. For stars, adulthood usually begins around 32 but ends suddenly at 40. In the fifth decade, stars become sad (but potentially interesting at long last). The salary plummets and desperate antics make for excellent headlines. Oh Gerard. Do a great movie, fast...Get rid of the skanky hair. Dish has seen you in the hood during better days. You can do better!

Bones: The Culture guy from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy starred and stunk up the place. J.J. would have been much better as the evil hairguru. Kidding, getting hair done this weekend. I'm thinking highlights.

So...Simon Cowell is not marrying is fiancee? I need a tranquilizer.

Most important question: How will I resist watching Smash? So bad, so good, so bad.

Kevin Costner Would Never Have Done This!!!

Secret Service agents were sent home because they were busy partying with prostitutes -- BEFORE they did the job of protecting Obama in Colombia. It's such Gen-X, Y thinking: Reward yourself ahead of completing the task. Unprofessional! Dish would like to open up a Charm School, where one learns to be polite, courteous and professional. I need a few refreshers, but at least I have the basics.
Sad to say, the only other news is that Kelsey Grammer got his wife's name tattoo-ed on his hip. First of all, ew. Second of all, TMI. But being psychic, I know exactly what happened. Here's the conversation:

Kayte: (sitting on couch, crying over how uncomfortable it is to carry twins) You have no idea how I feel.

Kelsey: (pacing, raking hand through grizzly hair) And I never will. I'm not a woman, Kayte.

Kayte: You're going to leave me. I'm getting so fat. Camille never got fat.

Kelsey: What do you want me to do?

Kayte: You're no fun anymore.

Kelsey: I play with my Wii, we tweet. How else can I make you happy?

Kayte: Let's go out, do something crazy. SHOTS!

Kelsey: The doctor said to take it easy.

Kayte: I want it in writing. You'll never leave me!!! You don't know what I'm going through!!!

Kelsey: Oh dear God. What's close to the pain of childbirth?

Kayte: Get a tattoo!!!

Kelsey: I hate needles. Oh poo.

Kayte: Do it!!! I'm wife #4, how am I special?

Kelsey: Oh all right. I'll get a 60$ tattoo. Your name in my pelvic region.

Kayte: Oh that is so awesome!!! You love me!!!

(because you certainly can't get a tattoo removed). Sorry. That was mean. It sort of just seems weird. Mostly the 60$ part. The photo is everywhere.

Hilary Clinton seen partying in Colombia, way past her bedtime. Get a lampshade, Hils. I'll always vote for ya!

Star Sighting--Andy Cohen!!!

Last night, 7:19 pm, 14th b/w 7th and 8th: Dish was navigating a haze of allergies when that familiar tingling flooded all senses--star. There he was wearing a sandy linen-ish suit and consulting technology, Bravo god Andy Cohen. He looks exactly in life as he does on TV. I whispered my spotting to TG and he shouted, "Oh, he's the guy who interviews the housewives at the end!!! I like him!!!" I could almost see him contemplating a fourth-wall interruption but luckily we reached the subway and had tickets to see Dishniece in a play.

Mixed news: We learned our stint on Anderson will never see the light of day but I did manage to laugh uproariously over and over at his new giggling outburst. This time it's the phrase "hitting him with her pussywillow" that makes him explode at the 1:38 mark.

Two stars ailing: Ryan O'Neal revealed he has prostate cancer and Robin Gibb is in a coma. Forgive not giving them separate sentences but these illnesses hurt me to the core and I'd rather deny, deny, deny. Best wishes for a speedy recovery, R&R!

I console myself with an Ally McBeal marathon. Am on the John Ritter episode, which makes me truly misty. Jack Tripper 4ever!

Are Brad and Angelina Engaged?

Yes, they are, according to several news sources. Happy Friday the 13th! I was waiting for my metaphorical happy pill and Ange wearing a massive diamond ring provided the euphoria. I'm not sure I believe that after 7 years, they're going to tie the knot, but hey, it's fun to look at bling. It keeps Brange in the news, especially when there are no movies to be had. My recommendation: Milk the engagement and build up to an epic William and Kate-sized wedding with the 6 kids as ring-bearers. Shedding tears already...

Also in the news is Scarlett Johansson (sick of looking up spelling but I know she would do the same for me) dishing in Vogue about her divorce from Ryan and her new beau, that tall ad guy, whom I had to Google to see if they were intellectually compatible. My findings took me to creepy places, reminding me of Fatal Encounters and Criminal Minds. I've watched far too much true crime TV. My dark dating days keep flashing in my mind, dead eyes staring back at me as we go through the paces of a first awful date. Happy happy happy!!!

The Jenners are weighing in on Kim's relationship with Kanye. Mom is delighted (because it's two talentless powerhouses merging into one flaming cauldron of auto-tuned blah blah blah), Bruce Jenner, folding arms, doesn't approve, which is as forceful as it gets for him. Aw, I'm being mean. Especially since I watched their reality show last night, fascinated as Kim hit her sister Khloe, trying hard to keep those boobs from flopping out of her shirt. Khloe deserved it for being jealous that Kim bought a Bentley. It was hateful. I won't go into her bangs.

Hilary Rosen, WTF?

Make the Celebrities Stop Fighting! Someone's Going to Get Hurt!

It's an epidemic! Stars are fighting with writers. Let's get a big pool of creamed corn and watch these violent flesh-balls go at it. I'll bring the Bratwurst and Pepsi.

In ring 1: Sleaze writer Joe Eszterhas and Mel Gibson are dueling over anti-semitic remarks the actor/director allegedly made. Mel claims Joe's script for Maccabees blew moose testes. These two skeeve me out to the max. My advice: Get out a ruler. What else is there to do now that Maccabees is a no-go? And we were all so excited about this one.

In ring 2: The love fest between Andrea Peyser and Alec Baldwin continues--as does Dish's fascination! Though, I find some faulty reporting in her dwelling on his I-swallowed-a-water-buffalo appearance adopted by many doughy middle-aged male stars*. Alec has slimmed down, no doubt encouraged by his seemingly-awesome fiancee**. Doesn't Alec remind you of a certain temperamental, weight-shifting Democrat with woman problems? Teddy Kennedy lives! Okay, I just blasphemed. Is it possible for me not to take sides in this issue? Can't I love them both?

In ring 3: Alec is pissed at NBC and said he's dumping the network after their news crews camped out at his place. I'd rather see his hissy than read passive-aggressive tweets, but as an avid stargazer, do feel stars should have some privacy. Curiosity is a sick beast.

Marc Anthony filed for divorce from J.Lo citing irreconcilable differences, which means 1. Let's just end this thing 2. Something really bad happened. 3. Celebrity marriage ADD. In the case of these two, I'd go for option #1.

Zimmerman was finally charged with second degree murder. Can I get an It's About Time?

*Russell Crowe, Steven Seagal--though Crowe may have slimmed down and Seagal did look svelte in Exit Wounds. These boys yo-yo diet like teenage girls!
**I can't articulate why but she seems like a cool cucumber to Dish.

Wasn't Matt Bomer amazing on Glee?

Best line: "I'm going to pour you a tall glass of 'this is how it is.'" I've never seen White Collar, but Bomer is freaking funny. His chemistry with Criss worked well, too. If the show could be just Jane, Darren and Matt, I'd be happy. Dish lost consciousness seeing Jane Lynch sing along to "Rio." Jane and Duran Duran combined: like farting/sneezing at the same time, i.e. too much happiness released in one moment. I couldn't take it.

As brilliant as he is, Alec Baldwin can't seem to escape his woman problems (I can't quit Altoids). The drama over his alleged stalker continues. Alec sarcasti-Tweeted about The Post's mean girl (whom I find wildly entertaining) Andrea Peyser's journalistic integrity. She answered with an even more vicious column. Dish's advice for Alec: Ditch Yoga and knock AP's boots already! JK. It's hard when Mommy and Daddy fight.

During my lunch break, had to see on Radaronline 10 female celebrities with cellulite, not to judge but to relate...heavily. We mortals can sometimes share a bond more meaningful than a 25M movie deal. It's called cottage cheese legs.

Gossip Girl: Dishcousin and I agreed that Rufus put his balls in a Dixie cup and handed them to Lily when they got married. Must look to Dan and Chuck for seething masculinity in contemporary elitist Manhattan. Blair and Lily continue to be my imaginary BFFs.

Smash (spoiler alert): Shining moment occurs as Anjelica Huston sucks face with the handsome bartender from All My Children. I was a little turned on and repulsed, as I would be watching DishGramma kissing George Clooney. I like the idea but the image would embed itself in my consciousness, felling me during random moments.

4 and 1/2 Hours Until...

Duran Duran Mash-Up on Glee tonight. Bomer and Criss do Le Bon. For the love of Simon, John, Nick, Roger and Dom, let it be awesome!

Can you feel the rage of Alec Baldwin's stalker? I'm fascinated by stalker language (I must see you, let's have a baby, I need your baby). This one's slightly intelligent, only because she got herself on the front page of The Post (Dish's dream), tarnishing Baldwin's engagement glow. The problem is that stalker's fifteen minutes should last about two since her repertoire is kinda skimpy. Stalker needs to spread her seed, seek out other stars and then gossip about it with friends, build her entourage and rep, minimizing her lame stalking. No man wants a woman who's chasing after him, calling him constantly. The Rules go double with a celebrity. Like I know...

Half Pint hurt herself on DWTS--and no Ma and Pa to tend to her wounds!

Amanda Bynes, stop drinking and get back to work. We want What a Girl Wants II. She is so darling. I hate to imagine her loaded on whiskey sours.

Bikini shot of Julia and I noticed...a tattoo in the bitch spot. You know what this means, don't you? Dish needs one.

Santorum dropping out of race. Hmmmmm. VP candidate?

And who is this new group One Direction? Do I need to know about them? Am still pondering the cultural relevance of Justin Bieber (the haircut is getting olddddd).

Ps. Today Steven Seagal turns really old.