Julia Doesn't Go Full-British, Thank Zeus!

Nervous breakdown averted. At the bar last night, Dishbrother broke the news that Julia sports a British accent in Mirror, Mirror. After Mary Reilly, the idea gave me the shakes. I needed a Chivas, pronto! Then I saw this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kpLVO396eHs. It's not British--or at least it starts out British then goes back to clipped American. Phew...She'll be perfect as always. Crisis no longer. We don't like the accents, Jules. And what did I say about Armie Hammer becoming a star? Here's proof. His voice is much like that of Brendan Fraser (where is he?).

Bee Gee Robin Gibb is suffering from liver cancer. He and Barry are the last Gibbs left. Hold on, fella! We like our music icons healthy and amongst us.

Desperate Housewives tonight. Here's what will happen: the girls agonize about the murder. Jonathan Cake torments Bree. Wasted because she's back to guzzling her Pinot like most Housewives, real or otherwise, Bree rallies the girls to continue charade. Vanessa Williams is slutty and sassy. Gabby has to break Carlos out of rehab because of some lame crisis. Tom starts to miss Felicity. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I'll be watching Dexter instead (but will catch up via Hulu).

J. Edgar...

...could have been 45 minutes shorter. It's ponderous, acty and pacing-challenged. The content intrigued me but I wanted it to be over after the first half-hour. For me, Naomi Watts and Armie Hammer stole the film right out from under DiCaprio. I want Leo to succeed, I really do. He works very hard in this movie and it shows. He's like an angry little baby bulldog fighting for America. I'm not sure what I would have done differently. It just sounded like two hours of nagging and speechifying. There were many compelling moments. Watts just inhabited her part, as did Hammer who made me believe that he came of age in the 1930s and not the 2000s.

I could never watch it again, I'm a little over Eastwood's gloomy hues--adore him much more as an actor--though I will predict that Hammer will be a huge star and Leo will find the perfect part someday. Naomi had me at the film about cholera.

Do You Think Natalie Wood Slipped and Fell?

Her death has plagued me for thirty years though I hate to think that Robert Wagner had anything to do with it. I mean, he was 1/2 responsible for this masterpiece: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HBzcrAcOBHI. Dish thinks this was a drunken brawl gone bad and swept under the carpet. The sheriff said there were several sources with new information. Maybe TG and I should take our iPads to the boat and do some ghost-tracking ourselves. At the very least, I'll rewatch West Side Story, Splendour in the Grass and Rebel Without a Cause and honor the goddess that was Natalie. I'll cast Christina Ricci or Mila Kunis in the movie of her life.

The rumor is that Demi and Ashton had an open marriage and she was into women also. Also threesomes. And orgies while bathing in Philly cheese steaks. Please. Tell me she stuck Buzz Lightyear up his rectum and then I'll be impressed.

Here's the whitest/sickest thing I've ever seen. Scientology needs to get with the times. Their new rap song is beyond dated and Wonder Bread lame. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=_K_QLUWM3X4. Diversity should be celebrated in all cults.

Paging Dr. Nick Rhodes

Oh. Not that kind of doctor, eh? Whatever! The University of Bedfordshire has upgraded Duran Duran keyboardist Nick Rhodes's title with an honorary doctorate. He is easily due for a degree as his deft use of the English language and fabulous spin have done the band proud for 30+ years. Even more admirable is his devotion/contribution to the art world. Dish is holding up her copy of Interference and yelling to Occupy Wall Street Protesters who are so close,"All hail Dr. Rhodes!"

Some incriminating texts have surfaced where Maria Yeater asks a friend to erase texts referring to her baby's real father (who is not Justin Bieber). JACKASS! If you're going to be a gold-digging liar, at least be smart about it. Dr. Rhodes would no doubt suggest a trip to the Whitney as repentance.

Thank goodness for attention-getters and social media addicts because when you're feeling blue, you feel compelled to share with the world. Medics can be at your house within seconds of your suicidal postings. Kim K's former PR person who went on record calling her marriage a sham got the gag order from Kim's lawyers and then had a mournful, self-flagellating hissy. He's getting medical attention, Thank Jesus. Dr. Rhodes would find such public suffering wasteful of a person's shining potential.

JJ just texted Dish: What do we need? A cure for turrets. When do we need it? C*nt! Dr. Rhodes would never use this vocabulary. He would gel with J.J. like cats in a bag.

Almost forgot: Demi is divorcing Ashton. I'm sure it's irreconcilable differences and they'll remain best friends.

Really, People Magazine?

Bradley Cooper is People's Sexiest Man Alive. They get it wrong every year (except for Mark Harmon and JFK jr) but at least it's someone who's reached his prime within a couple years of this issue--and not 10 years prior. I see his eyes and think Serial Killer Who Must Kill Cat Downstairs. Well, he speaks better French than I do and that makes me mad.

I'm starting a new franchise: Hottest Person Who's Six Feet Under. This year, my vote is for Copernicus because he said Earth revolved around the sun, which is HOT.

Alleged With-Bieber-out-of-wedlock-procreator Maria Yeater dropped her paternity suit against the little tyke. Maybe she found a better babydaddy. Like Jesus?

I've relearned a lesson thanks to the most recent Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Women who starve themselves are more likely to have a crazy meltdown. Witness Taylor going off on the Vanderpump. A normal person with normal blood sugar would accept an apology and explanation and move on. This was truly the precipice of hell itself and, gosh, I hope she's doing better now. I like Taylor, weird party for her child and all.

This pains me: The Iron Lady trailer looks positively wretched. I love Meryl to pieces, but this is a stinker. Or at least the trailer captures the corniest moments with Meryl needing to scale back. Not the Iron Lady but Julia Child--UK! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yDiCFY2zsfc.

Another Reason I Should Have Been a Kardashian...

...if I'd gotten a 90K Range Rover at a young age, I might not have confused our family's Volvo with the female vulva. I learned both words around the same time and I can't hear one without the other--those dirty, dirty Swedes. Then again, the Saturn Spenis is suggestive.

You need to live on more than Melrose Place. Heather Locklear and Jack Wagner called off their engagement. I'm devastated except maybe Hez can set her cap for Kris Humphries, up her profile. Do Not Return to David Spade. Unless he's nice.

I saw my first lesbian KY commercial. PROGRESS!

The police/the mayor evicted the OWS protesters and hosed down Zucotti (?) Park. I just pray the protesters don't get near my daily environs. I believe in the cause but not really this particular physical protest itself.

I didn't think it was possible but The A List: Dallas contains more vile morons than New York. The cast is incredibly affected, playing diva-moviestars and it's a given that everyone is a lush. And the drama: OMG, he pushed me in a pool. OMG, he's drunk. OMG, how will I throw this party when I'm so drunk? I can't come to your party because I have business. Eyerolls. A loser-fest. I thought it might be interesting to give gay Christian Republicans a voice on TV but they are as awful as the liberal Dems. It's the poorest, most insulting representation of the gay community that I've ever seen--aside from the usual cliches. The Real L Word was more interesting with some complex people and relationships.

Hasselbeck vs. Maher on The View. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kBHy2HiWjc. Good for her for having the confidence to pick a fight with someone who's way smarter than she is. She needs a martini and a Xanax.

Sweet Forty-Three

I have so little to report. I woke up at 5am and couldn't get back to sleep. I'm trying not to watch TV. Cheated a little with Dexter, but that's like literary, right? Back to reading, and I tend to read three books at a time. Right now it's women's fiction's Rachel Gibson Not Another Bad Date (fun!), Tony Robbins's Unlimited Power (two typos within first twenty pages but I want to see what fuss is about) and Zola's L'Assommoir (dark as f*ck but love the downward spiral).

In Starland, Brad Pitt announced that he'll quit acting in three years. THANK GOD! No seriously. He should never make those Cher/Barbra/Barry-esque comments. Loved him in Moneyball! Needs to get Oscar before he quits. Kim K is hostessing New Year's Eve in Vegas. I'm so glad she's picked herself up after the divorce stuff. Her sister Kendall got a 90K Range Rover for her sweet 16. I got a turquoise necklace!!! What gives, Dishmama? Oh wait...I just had a wedding...

Star Sighting--Rebecca Romijn

1pm, 18th and 7th: Gym-bound Dish spotted a tall gorgeous blonde walking with a little girl. The woman wore sunglasses but the face was unmistakable, especially when she smiled at her little girl and said, "Okay, you can keep your eyes closed, but you have to hold my hand." So funny because I say that to TG all the time.

Wow, just read this cheating exposay by Kat Von D. http://on.fb.me/tTFBAP. Felt so sad last year when I read she'd started dating Jesse James but thought eventually she'd find her way. A talented and unique individual, she will always land on her feet. I don't recommend trashing an ex on the internets, though this must have felt REAL good. Go, KVD!

Justin Timberlake did attend that Marine Corps Ball with that soldier, after all! Wish Youtube had existed in the 80s. I would have asked Duran Duran to prom!!!

Between you and me, I was friends with Frank Miller a few years ago. We had a blast. The only way friendship could happen was that I met him before I knew who he was. So, no hyperventilating and overly-eager questions about his marvelous life. To me, he was just a chatty geezer with old-fashioned charm and values. We talked about movies, politics, celebrities. Now I read this polarizing tidbit about his views about Occupy Wall Street. I can't say it surprises me. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/13/frank-miller-occupy-wall-street_n_1090790.html?ref=entertainment. I don't totally agree with him, but I still consider him a friend and great conversationalist.

Can you hear my screeching laughter? Fox's Torquemada Bill O'Reilly wrote a book about Abe Lincoln and made several factual errors. What an idiot! http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/13/bill-oreilly-killing-lincoln-errors_n_1091168.html?ref=homepage. A bully, bad to women, not a scholar. Where's the trapdoor, America?