Matthew McConaughey's Manorexia Made Me Eat a BBQ Bacon Cheeseburger!

Have you seen the recent photos of Matty-poo? I won't publish them here, because it's like a fashion week runway show. The minute I saw his gaunt physique, I cried a little, then ran for that juicy burger with fries. An hour later I ate three chocolate truffles along with my supplement (vitamins). His hideous skinniness is for a movie role. These extremes can only mean he's going for the gold, i.e. Oscar. Deprettying really impresses the academy, especially when your beauty is proportionate to the amount of ugliness you endure. I'm talking to you, Charlize, Tom Hanks, Gwyneth, Daniel Day and Heath in Heaven. I pray McConaughey will stop this The Machinist regime and get back to being shirtless on the beach. He's not my type (see TG who is hotness to the max) but I live to help others appreciate beauty in this world.

I have so much anxiety. I'm worried about the election. TG and I forget to watch Vegas each week, which means Michael Chiklis doesn't know how much we love him. Our ulcers rip open with each episode of Cupcake Wars and Florian's vicious criticism of artificial flavors. Yeah, how does red velvet get that way naturally, Flore? Do we have to bleed for you?

I'm such a mess, I started watching The Next Best Thing -- bad movie comfort food. I learn so much each time I watch it:

I think Madonna saw Rupert Everett as so awesome with Julia in My Best Friend's Wedding that she had to steal him AND the real-life boyfriend Benjamin Bratt. Girls are so competitive!

Michael Vartan is like stone. Sort of like in every movie but sometimes that works, like when Dish watched Never Been Kissed 500 million times. No wait, that was someone else.

With his posh accent, Rupert hauls dirt in LA somewhere. I'm not quite sure what Rupert does, but I don't buy it. He's not a manual labor guy (Nothing wrong with it, I like it). Tax attorney, pundit, academic, museum curator, maybe.

I never knew this but it's so logical and happens all the time: the 100% gay best friend gets drunk and can't help but sleep with his female friend. Then again, if it's Madonna, I might close my eyes and hope for the best...

Girls never ever keep track of their periods, especially Madonna. She eats like a pig suddenly and then consults her calendar, going back months. Sorry, I call BS.

Yoga is the only way to get a banging bod.

I love how Madonna tries to play a more passive female. Her character is quite likeable, someone I'd totally hang with. I almost kinda believe it, too, if it weren't for THE ACCENT.

But you have to love someone who does whatever the hell she wants. I need a cookie.

Lady Gag Yakks This Way

WTF is wrong with these performers? Yesterday, Lady GaGa puked several times on stage during a concert. This is not cool. If you're sick, get off the f*cking stage. It's okay if you suddenly sh*t your pants on stage because we likely won't see it and be scarred by the image. Plus, an emergency fecal evacuation can occur without warning especially if you eat kale, which is Drano disguised as a cute plant. It would be refreshing to see, say, Bono sh*t on stage, don't you think? I guess I'm just puke-intolerant. I will never pay money to see Lady Gag or Justin Barfer. I don't buy the flu and mixing spaghetti/milk excuse BS either. These days, though, everything's okay, right? Not holding the door open for people, puking on stage, loud cell talking in quiet area, it's all good.

What cooled my quiet WASP rage was catching up on 666 Park Avenue. Dish loves to curl up with a good story about the devil. Who better to play Lucipoo but the creepy cueball from Lost. I forget his name. Dishfriendsincediapers gave me advance warning that on last night's episode her friendsincecollege actor Michael Lewis--and fellow redhead--would get murdered on the show. Dish has met Michael twice, so of course, he's my dear celebrity friend. He was fantastic as the greasy exterminator. But why would Cueball kill him since we know redheads already have no soul? Wouldn't he be a perfect minion for Satan? Plus, ML is one of the few on the show who really acted and commanded the screen without all the bells and whistles. Puzzling indeed.

The Dev is totally working overtime by splitting up Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman who have been a couple fixture for decades and decades. Who's next, Tom and Rita? No, I shouldn't have said that. Please no. I couldn't take that.

So, in the mystery of Madame X's disappearance, well, it's now a cold case. I've let it go.

I Snorted the Ravages of Time and Still Came Out in the Top 1% of Gorgeous

I'm sad that Jennie Garth is publicizing her miraculous 30-pound weight loss on the cover of People. She looked great with a little divorce cushion. Now she's just another skinny minnie. What's wrong with these women? I flipped through the mag, hoping for literary aloe for my fragile psyche. No, wait that Lark Saved by the Bell chick has Bipolar (who doesn't) and her remarkable journey. Flip a little more, ah, eureka, p. 95 reveals an exquisite human in the form of John Taylor, my first Duran-love, and his new life/love/book, which Dish pre-ordered the second it was announced. Can't wait to read it. Can't wait for his NYC signing. I hope I actually get in. Did he get Botox?

Dish took a day hiatus to be domestic. I'm ironing TG's shirts and running errands, folding laundry and whipping up exotic dinners for my man. Ha! Well, I am ironing shirts, which I love to do. Last night we attended a wedding reception. I felt right at home with the table of cupcakes. TG found two potential long-lost relatives and one new lifelong friend. I love that I married a socially adept person. I'm the girl who hovers on the periphery and waits for someone to approach. TG catches people's eyes and starts up conversations, works the room as if he lives there. He's so poopular!


This weekend's obsessions:

Just started reading the It-book of the year (aside from that other one) Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn. Nicely done so far. And then I ventured into the documentary 51 Birch Street, by filmmaker Doug Block, about his parents' marriage. My goodness. I was expecting a sappy family montage but he delves into his parents' fifty-year marriage and its shocking secrets. I was moved to tears by the end. All families have their secrets. I'm the type who wants to know all of them--I don't care how bad.

Congratulations to Audra McDonald and Will Swenson on their marriage. I just IMDB-ed them and discovered both these f*ckers are younger than I am!!! Oh the inhumanity!!!

We Were on The Today Show...

...for a split second yesterday. Our appearance is so minimal that I haven't even watched. You know I can't get enough of seeing myself on TV. Well, I'm also a mite angry at Matt for his extreme douchiness so avoid The Today Show. The segment was on Facebook, which is responsible for my marriage (Skype and our high school helped). By the way, Robin Roberts is doing well after bone marrow transplant. Go GMA Team!

Lots of sensational news. By sensational, I mean over the top. Ben and Courtney from The Bachelor broke up! He's semi-hideous and she is crazy.* How long could it last? I'm only await the announcement that Jef and Emily are also splitsville. Let's not pretend that these reality shows create real couples. It is simply a way for one person to have sex/get drunk/make out with as many people as possible.

If things couldn't get more sick, the rumor mill alleges Chris Brown and Rihanna are "friends" again, which is code for banging. I don't see how this could end in a good way. Maybe when we stop caring about them, they'll go on Couples Therapy, which is a super-lame, trainwreck of a show, not at all devoted to therapy but peacocking for the cameras and starting fights. I COULD DO THAT! Hello, TG and I are masters of antics. I even have a purple wig.

Adele's song for the new James Bond Skyfall is out. I sort of like it. Very classic and Bondesque, like older Bond songs. Of course my fave is Duran Duran's View to a Kill, The Living Daylights by A-Ha, then Another Way to Die with Gods Jack White and Alicia Keys.

Speaking of Bond, my favorite JB of all time will be hosting SNL this weekend. I hope he's hilarious.

*just as they appear on the show, which I'm sure is not real life.

And Then They Accidentally Kissed...

I feel like I'm living on a different planet. I watched debate last night and I don't get why everyone says it was a failure for Obama. He was sedate, answered questions intelligently, and had a few zingers. Romney came off as an overzealous student who knows all the answers (though didn't use primary sources in his paper). Obama had the disadvantage of the favorite to win. He has the gift of gab and he doesn't usually gaffe, whereas Romney spews all kinds of crap. Mitt did show himself as aggressive, which I guess is Presidential. Plus, there was the altitude, which terd-nugget Gore said could account for BO's "sluggishness." I didn't see what was wrong! Now the tide is turning away from BO. Can he get it back?

Another reason why I love Anderson Cooper. I don't know why, he's like family. He would fit so perfectly at my relatives' holiday dinner table. We could have turkey, talk about politics and the interesting people he's met. Someone would make him giggle (probably Dishbrother because he's really funny and so is TG--and AC met the latter), which would be so awesome. A girl can dream, right?

Hulk Hogan has a sex tape. I'm sorry if you threw up reading this. It's worth it if it can make Hulk famous again.

Because I can't vote for Hillary...

Along with these celebrity women, I will shamelessly endorse Obama especially since Gloria Steinem and Jane Lynch are for him and I'll do anything for those bitches. Are you ready for the debates? I'm so excited I couldn't sleep these last three days. Just call me CNN's whore. I might wander over to FOX so that I can be balanced.

Leave it to the media to pit two women against each other, though it seems to be real fighting. Nicki and Mariah are practically bar-brawling on American Idol. Do I hear the sound of shrinking testicles? As much as Mariah is a diva, Nicki is just being trashy and immature. She's new to the business. If I were her, I'd let Mariah be in the spotlight, otherwise, Nicki's going to make enemies and everyone will hate her. If you don't have love, you're left with talent and she doesn't seem to have much of that. Mariah, at least, has a great voice--though her vibrato is irritating. Oh well, Dish is only interested in catching glimpses of Nicole Kidman in the audience Keith Urban's serene countenance.

TG made a delicious Coq au Vin yesterday. What did I do to deserve this angel?

Tommy Lee is 50. He's an adorable metal dork. Remember his going-back-to-school reality show? Loved it!

Les Garcons Are Studying Pour Les Debates!!!

Bonsoir, les chers readers. Je suis Jacques, le ghost-cat de Dish-Patience. Oui, j'am French. J'adore les bras et les toilettes eau. J'appear now to reporter sur les candidates de presidents, L'Obame et Le Romnee, qui now font le cramming pour leurs GRAND EXAMEN de debates tomorrow soir. Je predicte un slam donkey pour Obame, qui excelle avec le emotional speech et le quick come-back. Romnee a le salt et pepper hairs, plus de pepper, mais pas much else. Je sense qu'il est probablement un nice personne, mais comme president, il est comme le oatmeal, qui change le consistement dependamment on le heat. Est-ce que Romnee va avoir le Snooki fake tan demain soir? Je vais exploder avec excitement, tho je suis dead, alors je ne peux pas die-er again.

Mais le best homme win!!!

Wowzers, How about that Homeland and Dexter!?

Dexter is so majorly f*cked now that Deb caught him killing Tom Hanks's son! That's the problem when you kill someone on an altar in a church. It's so cliche! The pieces are breaking apart. Can Dex handle it? Of course, he can. He loves the challenge and there's the hope that he won't have to film with his ex-wife anymore if she gets killed off! Dish's comments on thinness: The actor who plays Joey Quinn looks extremely ill, like manorexia or coke/meth/heroin' thin. He's been wasting away in the last three seasons. Either that or it's the stress of being on two hit shows. Jennifer Carpenter is a little less gaunt, though overindulging on the pancake. It's like Ally McBeal all over.

I subjected TG to Homeland. I knew he'd like it because he has a thing for Mandy Patinkin. You should hear the squealing and whooping when he catches the barest glimpse of Man-Pat. TG tried to pretend he was reading his iPad but, really, his soft green eyes were avidly watching Mr. Grizzle deliver his lines so mellifluously.

So yeah, Ahnold is a lying douche, Adele is singing James Bond (perfect), Drew had a girl named Olive, and Seth MacFarlane will host the Oscars. The Academy Awards are where good comedians go to die.

I've decided that I will no longer utter the names Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton on this blog. Until they do something interesting.

Madame X is still on the lam.