Lost in Scandal...

It's a time of hibernation for me. Not only do I genuinely hate the holidays but I am gathering energy. I'm learning my lines, staring into space, finding contentment in simple things. Like...

I'm obsessed with Scandal. The acting is some of the worst I've ever seen, but I can't stop watching. TG talks to me. I don't quite hear because Olivia Pope is in deep sh*t and she's f*cking the President of the United States every chance he gets. Who knew the a-hole from Ghost could have such a hunky middle-aged resurrection? Then there's Olivia Pope's wardrobe. I hate that she can be upright with that tiny body but then I look at her face and thank the heavens that there is such beauty in the world. Though I don't like Olivia as a character. She doesn't have any fun. It's all I can think about right now. Olivia. Cyrus. That snotrag Mellie (like Nellie from Little House) who's also Hotch's love interest on Criminal Minds. The grumpy-faced sociopath cracks me up. And Josh Malina, who is in anything political or written by Aaron Sorkin, finally, finally gets to bang a hot chick instead of play the nerd (in addition to playing the nerd).

In real celebrity life, I'm trying to come to terms with the rumor of Julia Roberts being pregnant again. She's betrayed me so many times. Now this. Can't she just be fat? For the love of those of us above 40, please let it just be a thickening middle (for me it's a fat ass). I'm eating a See's caramel just for you, Jules.

Rest in Peace, Paul Walker, While Dish Sobs

It's been a rough few days. Not rough enough for me to go to the Paul Walker crash site. I've been too busy and we know it takes a village to get me on a plane. But I'm in mourning over PW's senseless demise. For a very stupid reason. I'll confess it here. Blonds don't do it for me, except for three...now two.

1. Jason Lewis (without the long hair, he's pushing it)
2. Daniel Craig

The rest--hideous. Brad Pitt--yick. Alex Skarsbar--gag. Now only two. Blond women, gorgeous. Not to be superficial or anything.

Seriously, though, PW's death saddens me. That poor daughter of his will miss him terribly. What makes it worse is the minute to minute updates. Blah...

Do You Ever Have Days...

...when you intend to do so much but instead lie on the couch? Dish did this most of today. I confess--yes, I fell under the spell of Gilmore Girls, a carrot cake muffin and then a sneaky, sneaky pecan bar that I thought to give to TG but ate it myself. Meanwhile TG cooks me a great dinner, volunteers to drive family to the airport (which helps me 100%) and is really the best person ever. I am a melting-faced lazy slob. I'm okay with this.

The AMAs are on right now. I watched a little until I heard a couple of inarticulate speeches and witnessed the gymnastics of Harry Styles's hair. And now I can't get these words out of my head: "I held Michael Jackson's penis every night," which is now raging on the internets, said by the ex-doctor Conrad Murray. I'm sure he's not the only one. And I thought I had problems....

Adam Levine Is People's Sexiest Man Alive

I feel conflicted about this. The skanky part of me that I bury, the one that likes tattoos, thongs and bad boys, is deeply pleased that Adam was chosen. The other me is irritated by this choice. Another white boy, and one who's allegedly mean. But whatever. So much better than Pitt, Clooney and Depp, as in he's under 40. In my heart, I do feel Adam deserves this important award.

Today in violence: 

Where's your Nazi rice? Charles Manson is getting married to his twenty-five-year-old bride-to-be. I wonder if they met on Facebook. Hey, if he can find love, anyone can. Shuddering over thought of conjugal visits. We know I always go there...

Alec Baldwin's downward spiral: You know the circle will start again. Back on Twitter, more commercials, another baby, fight with paps, hitting, I'm a victim, etc... Kim Basinger didn't dodge the bullet, but she got out soon enough.

Alex Rodriguez stormed out of a hearing about his using no-no juice to play like a rock star.

Even Lower Blows in Housewifeland

When Brandi Glanville talks about the foul scent of another housewife's nether parts, I decide to get off this train. This is far too nasty, even for a girl-squabble-lovin' Dish. The fake backdoor booty begging between Scott Disick and Kourney compelled me to erase them from Keeping Up with the Kardashians. And now, BG has taken me to a new place. I've rooted for Brandi all along but this season and outside of the housewives, it's difficult. Is it the booze? "I just tell it like it is" is not an excuse to be an a**hole, even if you're talking about an a**hole.

Which brings me to Alec Baldwin. I adore him on SNL and in movies, but the constant appearance in the tabloids (and his talk show) has killed that respect. There is no "poor me" here. The alleged stalker he allegedly pissed off took up so much space in the rags the week. Victimless crimes.

Except for my poor eyes, which are bleeding. Sadly, this won't stop me.

New Members of the Get a Life Club

Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller and some judge are feudin' and gaggin' over custody of the twins, who must be so severely damaged by their crazy rents that TG and I are ready to open our loving arms to these boys, bring them into our dusty cubicle of an apartment and raise them to read books, be snootie-mcsnoots about mediocrity and eat Poptarts (we love those). Welcome to the club.

Tom Cruise allegedly alleges that his stunt work is like a tour of Afghanistan. Just uttering something close to this is blasphemy. I don't even say "military" since I might be misunderstood. You don't mess with the soldiers. They actually face death. Tom is just fine--sipping on his vitamin-enriched space juice. Welcome to the club, Tom. And me too because, hell, I love all his movies, even the shitty ones. Love ya, Tom, even though you kinda suck!

Doug and Courtney--fighting for their love, or separated. Can't tell but let's see how much we can cling desperately to fame by making out in public and say that we're separated. Here's what Dish thinks. She wants to bang someone else. I mean fifty more years with this guy? I can't take another hour! Get my fake boobs and schoolgirl laugh outta the House of Ben Gay.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Loving the 'tude. Loving the filler on Brandi's face. Love that she has such a hot boyfriend and their awkwardness on television. They just want to run into a bathroom and boink since talking is so strange for them. New brunette housewives, but waiting for the claws. Get a life because this show won't last that much longer.

Vanderpump Rules: Losers keep dating and breaking up with losers. Get a life, gorgeous waitstaff.

Parenthood: My love for Lauren Graham grows each day. I love how she's gained weight since her Gilmore Girl years. She's a normal woman, beautiful, luscious, fun and makes me feel the same way. Plus, only she can help make Ray Romano hotter than hell. They don't need to get lives because they sizzle our socks off.

Too Much Demise in One Week...

First Marcia Wallace, then Lou Reed follow the white light into legend, both icons--if you remember Newhart along with The Simpsons. Lou Reed I discovered in high school, though more powerfully when Duran Duran covered one of his songs.

Even sadder to me, one of my classmates collapsed at a gym and passed away last week--massive heart attack. I didn't know him well but during a party in 2008, I was there with a questionable boyfriend. Said classmate told me I looked amazing and touched my ass while reaching for his drink. It was the most affection I'd gotten in a while so I appreciated it. Five seconds later, he was seriously PDA-ing with his girlfriend. I've spent the last 24 hours reading tributes to him on his FB page. Very sobering, thus lack of attention to the stars.

My update is yesterday's news: Jamie Dornan is the new Christian Grey--another fine casting choice. And if you've seen him play a serial killer on The Fall, you are so excited. He may even be more appropriate than Charlie Hunnam, though not as raw and sexy. More like serial killer/dangerous sexy. He will be an eerie and intense Christian.

There was a seriously stupid public display of cheating between Katherine McPhee and her Smash director, who is married to goddess Mary McCormack, who must be totally pissed. If you don't want pictures taken, don't make out in public, you idiots!

So this went viral. I still sort of think Russell is a jackass. This didn't totally blow my mind but I'll buy into it a little.

Lauren Graham Is My New Julia

I didn't stand a chance. To become my new imaginary best friend, the woman unleashed a five-pronged attack:

1. Using ESP, Lauren planted a seed for me to start watching Gilmore Girls, 10 years after it was popular. Lorelei is infuriating, sweetly manic, gorgeous and hard to get out of the psyche once there.

2. Again, using her powerful telepathic powers, Lauren programmed me to consider her performance in Parenthood, a newer program where she plays a Lorelei-esque character (I forget the name, but somehow she and the most annoying person to me--Ray Romano--have this hot on-screen chemistry. Now RR appeals to this former-hater #laurenpower).

3. This prompted me to remember that her real-life boyfriend is Peter Krause, TG's same-sex crush (it's not sexual, just man-love) from Six Feet Under, who plays her brother on Parenthood.

4. Her book, Someday, Someday, Maybe, came out recently-ish and because Dish is intensely lazy, ordered it on audiotape to listen to at bedtime. Do I dare admit, there's nothing better than listening to Lauren as you go to Lily White's Party (my parents' lie to get me to sleep). Her story is pretty good, my subconscious reports.

5. In doing this math, I deem her a delight. Plus, she's older than I am and looks like Wonder Woman, which means I love her.

Hannibal Hearts Walter White!

Anthony Hopkins has such an actor crush on Bryan Cranston and wrote him a fan letter. Of course, Bryan probably pissed his pants and sharted because that's what I would do if Tony wrote to me. This email is so adorable and very gushy, sort of like what I wrote to Russell Crowe in 1998 after seeing The Insider.

Had a lovely dinner with awesomeDishfriend and we gossiped about Hugh Jackman, Parenthood, who Rachel Weisz dated before James Bond, who James Bond dated before Rachel, etc... The important stuff. Along with profiterole.

Run, Don't Walk to See "Betrayal" on Broadway

I lost my mind on my Dish-writing hiatus this past spring: I stopped caring about tabloid stories. Imagine my chagrin. Am I depressed? Who am I but a lover of star trash? As it turns out, by investing in a worthwhile cause, I extracted myself from worthless causes, i.e. the Lindsays, the Parises, the Britneys and the Kardashians as portrayed by the media. My time on TMZ greatly diminished, I felt/feel a little empty. How else to fill this space?

To begin, I've started reading again--like, good books, studying sales numbers from week to week. I'm not sure why. Then I watch writers talk about their writing and they've become my new tabloid (they're not as pretty but they at least can form sentences). Talking to people more helps ease my star-gazing withdrawal. It's been a 45-year addiction so I still have to look if the Jenners split up or Charlie pulls out of Fifty Shades (proof that film already in trouble).

A couple months ago, I bought a ticket to see Betrayal purely because am obsessed with the Daniel Craig/Rachel Weisz marriage, like do they emit hot chemisty sparks between them on stage? I almost blew it off because, as I say above, I stopped caring about the stars. A friend urged me to reconsider, that I'd miss something great (i.e. the play itself and Daniel Craig on stage). Dishreaders, I am so glad I pulled myself together this past Friday. One should never miss this play or James Bond doing theater. What a pleasure--the cast, a Pinter play. My faith in some celebrities, literature, and pop culture has been renewed.

TG and I are going to see the hot Cherry Jones and Spock in The Glass Menagerie. Dish is a Tennessee Williams virgin and preparing to be thoroughly mind-f*cked.

It's True, I've Become Very Lazy

But then, Breaking Bad was pretty awesome (though Dish predicted ending for this too). Walter White was such an innovator and a destroyer.

So Amanda Bynes has been diagnosed with the Skitz and the Bipolar, which I find really sad. I mean, she's going to need care for the rest of her life. How did this happen? Was she ill from birth?


Angelina might be wearing a wedding ring. Do we care at all? As far as I'm concerned, no one's getting hitched, not Brangelina, not Anistroux.

Michelle Rodriguez has come out as bi--big deal. I'm hetero, but with a few drinks or Jane Lynch on TV, I'm above the waist gay as long as I don't have to touch anything. Oh god, I'm completely straight. So straight and square (though Jane Lynch is my crush).

Today's big news, that Mia Farrow's brilliant son Ronan was sired by Frank Sinatra. Wouldn't that be neat? I follow Ronan's tweets. He's sharp as a tack.

And now for more brilliance and an inspirational video about work ethic.I'm totally going to take Britney's directive.

After a family meeting between Dishbrother and myself, we've decided on this cast for the movie version of my true Hollywood story. Our dream list.

For TG:

For Me:

For my biological father:

For adorable husband of my brother 

For my brother

For my mother

For my stepfather

Breaking Bad or Homeland? That Is the Question.

When Dish has a TV conundrum such as this, there is no choosing. Watch nothing! I haven't watched last week's BB. TG can't stand Homeland (even though he hasn't seen it, even though he loves Mandy Patinkin more than life itself), so we do work. But I cannot wait to watch both! Has Homeland jumped the terrorist shark? Will Walter White go to the white light?

In other news, SNL still stinks. And Jimmy Kimmel and Kanye are in a feud. At first, the tide seemed to go in JK's favor, but there's backlash to this tide. Like, why does Kanye get picked on all the time for being nuts? I won't say it because he's rude and nuts. I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling that this is beyond frivolous, as in why even bother aside from the comedy of it all...

I will learn from this since I'm sure I'll face negativity over my "art" in the next few months. I kind of don't want to hear it unless tactfully presented by, say, Katie Couric. Please, my fragile ego is only filtering in the BS right now. In secret, I am training like Jackie Chan, punching boards, sliding across roofs, hoarding yarn and puzzles while summoning some charm. If Kanye could dole out a little charm, I'd root for him in heartbeat.

Ps--reason for absence, following the rumor mill that Julia might be a b*tch in real life. There's not enough Xanax to cope with this possibility, as she is perfect.

Grey's Anatomy: Where Personal Drama Is Way More Important Than Medicine!

Dish loves Grey's Anatomy! The doctors can't operate because they're having sex in the on call room or angsting over failed romance. I love every second of it, especially the repetitive dialogue, how McDreamy's hair changes in one day (it's a little shorter, by some miracle). Two doctors go down because they're too stupid to realize water and live wires fry the crap out of you. Thank heavens for bad oh-so good TV!

The Big Bang Theory's Kaley Cuoco is engaged! After boinking Superman Henry Cavill, of course she's going to rebound hard. But this one might be the one she was meant to marry. You can't really depend on superheroes--they either fly away or decide not to come back for the sequel (though I think Ben Affleck will be a great Batman!).

Sons of Anarchy needs a shot in its tattooed arm. My suggestion: shorten it to 42 tight minutes, less reaction shots to every single damn thing, more Peggy Segal and Jimmy Smits indulging in geezer sex. That was mean--I am also a geezer, officially.

I keep thinking how much I love Sandra Bullock, but I can't bear to see her new movie Gravity. Do I want to hear Sandy whining, wailing, bawling while she's floating in space? I don't get it. Maybe if she and George Clooney get it on in their space craft, I might go.

The Emmys on Sunday Night...

...were lame. Right, JJ? I mean, a little embarrassing in how soporific. Stupid jokes. I love my NPH, but maybe someone else needed to do it after his Tony extravaganza. Worse is that I remember nothing about the night, except for Jane Lynch!!! That's not entirely true--the tributes were very moving. I also remember Sarah Silverman's solid gold performance. I can't even go into the Elton John song. Award shows are very difficult. Maybe they've always been bad...

Dexter finale: completely predictable. Still scary and the "right" ending for the show. TG jumped at one moment, came up off his exercise mat. I feel so proud that I reintroduced him to obsessive TV watching. His Ph.D is melting into a haze of Breaking Bad, The Voice, Cupcake Wars and Snapped.

For those who were terrified by Tierra on last season of The Bachelor: Her engagement is off.

Emmys!

Though completely screwed by nasty deadlines, I'm trying to watch the Emmys. Totally felt for Merritt Wever (love her) of Nurse Jackie, who seemed too nervous to give an Emmy speech. Dish had that happen though memorized the speech so thoroughly it rolled from my mouth when up on stage.


Things I learned this weekend: Passionflower tea sucks! Thanks, Dr. Oz. This is what I get for watching his show and taking all his holistic tips SERIOUSLY. I tried the freaking dark cherry juice, the chia seeds, the yogurt every day.No more self-improvement for me. I'm 45 and there's no cure unless you put me on an island and take all my choices away. Citrus tea will never stop tasting like pee.

I blame the tea but my mind has had an endless loop of Billy Ray Cyrus on Piers Morgan saying that his daughter Miley created something "really special" at that infamous award show, like she built a house for the homeless or swam across the English channel. It was so sick, I couldn't stop thinking about it. How special is it to redo what Madonna essentially did--and others before her (I forget everything before Madonna)?

Shocking: Gretchen and Alexis allegedly fired from RHoOC. Alexis, I can understand because she seemed so normal and likable this season. As for Gretchen, I think everyone turned on her, especially with the singing, bickering, and the tired romance with Slade.

And now, back to the grind.

Jen's Uterus--An Update

Allegedly Jennifer Aniston is not pregnant but this could be covering up for her pregnancy. Dishmama would call this policing genitalia. It's true, we spend our time watching her belly for signs of fetus. At this point, we'll be relieved if she births even a paramecium from her shriveled internal repro-parts (I'm 12 mo. ahead of you, Jen). God forbid she go her whole life without breeding a perfect, shiny blond with gigantic blue eyes and perfect comedic timing. Seriously--these rumors have plagued her for over 10 years. Why aren't we bothering James Franco? Why isn't he reproducing? Bradley Cooper and George Clooney need to pop out some kids, too (preferably together and we can see pics).

Dishbrothersidekick informed me that a celestial event will occur: the return of Catherine Bell as The Good Witch. DBSK writes:

Mark your calendar for Sat, Oct 26!!! Hallmark is having a Good Witch marathon starting at 11am covering all 5 movies and premiering the 6th installment, The Good Witch's Destiny (at 11pm)!!!!!

And I just read they started shooting number 7 already, The Good Witch's Wonder! (which will air next year). 

Here are the links:

http://lost-sheep-2.livejournal.com/237174.html

http://www.hallmarkchannelpress.com/Schedule/Calendar?SiteID=142&NodeID=144&thedate=10/26/2013

https://m.facebook.com/pages/The-Good-Witchs-Series/

http://www.broadwayworld.com/bwwtv/article/Catherine-Bell-Chris-Potter-Reunite-for-Seventh-Installment-of-Hallmarks-THE-GOOD-WITCH-20130917

Can you feel our enthusiasm? I can't get enough of that Catherine.

Speaking of too good to be true, Dish went to Jersey Boys for the twelfth time. Wedged between enormous and loud people, I felt very uncomfortable. And just when I started to think God doesn't exist, I heard the voice of Dominic Scaglione, Jr. and I know the divine exists in his vocal cords. He is a fabulous Frankie and I never get nervous about his missing a note (that doesn't always happen). His voice is always strong. Okay, Dish just loves all the Frankies and everything related to JB.

Shocking Photos, Bold Lies

I love Carrie but this poster will give me nightmares, especially those glowing eyes. It's just so intestinally wrong, like a horror flick, The Scream of (Death) Music. Must watch, though, don't you think?

Zac Efron allegedly spent time in rehab for a coke habit. I don't get the big deal with coke. I mean, it made me sneeze. But to pretend I was practically addicted when I tried it, I exaggerated its effects to my friends: I did it once and I instantly wanted more. My name is Dish and I'm a pretend-aholic. Stay off the crap, Zac--you were in one of my favorite dance scenes ever!

Brandi and Lisa VanderP not getting along? How did these two bosom buddies split? Luckily, RHoBH coincidentally begins soon.

Lastly, this is what happens when everyone is more famous than you are. The momager bikini shot. But why didn't Kris go further south?

That would have been brave. I will if you will!

OMG Miley and Liam Are Over!

This shocked me to the core--because I always bank money on engagements made in one's teens. Now Miley can finally unleash her skanky self and potentially upstage another sectarian massacre! As with Felicity, everything went downhill when she cut her hair.

My apologies for yesterday's comments about Justin Theroux. I keep forgetting that he's the genius behind Tropic Thunder and many other movies. His skinny pants really bother me, and I want to see Jen in a poofy white dress already.

Today Dish met two celebrities. I'll admit here that there was a split second when I contemplated saving their water bottles as a psycho souvenir, but then I came back to myself. Also, I didn't have room in my bag.

I'm So Over Jennifer Being Engaged

...along with her betrothed's skinny pants. I made a rule decades ago that I'd never date someone tinier than me--because I'd done it and it was like caring for a little doll. I broke my own rule several times because there are some hot short/skinnies out there. But every time, it was akin to petting a newborn kitty--or maybe I just felt too bumbling and mannish. This is so mean of me! And horrible but true. Justin is very clever, so I'm saving face sure they'll be happy forever.

Here's what TG and I are pissing ourselves over. And, speaking of Jen, this!

Breaking Bad tonight. I'm getting sick of the franchise, which I shouldn't admit because I'd be wrong.

Dishbrothersidekick Just Blew My Mind

Forgive my absence. My problem this week was living too much in the celebrity present. Tonight, Dishbrothersidekick pulled me from the edge of Lamar-Khloe-Dina-Lohan-DUI-Lindsay-side-boob-reveal hell. Stars are so completely boring these days with:

1. blissful union
2. reality show
3. boredom
3. despair/drunkenness
4. rehab
5. exit from rehab
6. desperate bid for more fame
7. back to rehab
8. reality show ten years later

This depresses me. I'm saved now. Let's live in the past, where celebrities were just as wasted but way more exciting! So, DBSK and I were having a side conversation at dinner about Kylie Minogue and he mentioned how she and Michael Hutchence of INXS were doing it--he says married but I verified three times that they were just consistently banging (in an airplane?). I would have never put those two together--and had NO IDEA that they traded fluids--so I spent two hours on Google, going back in time and reliving salaciousness of the 90s--which always brings me back to Duran Duran (Simon wrote a song for Michael after he died, Michael that is), who are past, present and future in all arenas (if you're a Duranie you get this amazing joke).

Back to the present, all I have to say is: That bitch. Hands off my Julia!

Oh yeah, and Mario Lopez and his lovely wife gave their new son a normal name, Dominic, and for this, I love them. Emily Blunt is preggo.

Syria Issue Creates Many Frowny Faces

So many frownies in one TV frame! I mean, look at these somber boys. Either someone farted or they're talking about potential war in the Middle East. The women weren't much cheerier.

More sadness, RFKjr diaries have been snatched and secrets revealed. He's pissed because those thoughts/feelings were not meant for public reading. Hello, we are your snoopy big sister, which means all bets are off, tool! We read everything and it's the truth because it's uncensored. Sanitized You is not as fun!

Miley Cyrus dumped from Vogue cover. Hurray!

Nadal wins men's single in US Open!

Dish in Stilettos

Tomorrow I'm going to a wedding. Very excited since I haven't been to one in a while and they are mostly fun. But there could be a catastrophe since I'm wearing stilettos for the very first time. I bought a couple pairs, figuring I need to dress like a real girly girl. Here goes. Operation Try Not to Face-Plant. Will keep you updated.

It's been a few years since we've seen Jack Nicholson and he allegedly is retiring because of memory loss. I wasn't really looking for him in a movie since Anger Management dulled my exultation after Something's Gotta Give. Take it easy, Jack. Or rather, cry that you weren't cast in 74 Shades of Grey (Everywhere).

The Kardashian drama continues as it seems Lamar Odom did not go to rehab and then had miso soup and green tea and maybe is doing some outpatient thing? If you're not in rehab, why not go for the green tea ice cream, which is so much more delicious? Or perhaps he's keeping it hot and brothy since withdrawal is a b*tch. These are the thoughts in my head today. I should be working... Poor Lamar. Poor Khloe. Poor me for not being able to figure out how to program the upcoming season of Grey's Anatomy....

Oooh, Before I Fall Asleep...

Gwen Stefani is preggo with #3 (and looks beautiful so we hate her), Scarlett Johannsen (I won't even try to spell name right, sorry, Scar!) got engaged and Simon Cowell is having a boy. (That could be taken several ways. So could that)


Sorry so short. Actually, I'm 5'5 (5'4 ish, *sniff*).

New Partnerships!

Katie Couric is engaged! To some banker and she looks THRILLED. I thought she'd stay with that young guy forever, which would have been fine since it's you-go-girl-tastic. But a ring is different. And a bankah!

Now, it turns out that Harry Connick Jr. and J. Lo are both going to be on American Idol. Visually they will stun the world, along with joyous Keith Urban. Backstage, I know some crazy sh*t will happen because Dish knows dirt about 2 out of these 3. I'll never tell.

There is more backlash on casting, which I find ludicrous. I mean, do these super-fans even do research on how casting directors cast? That there could be a whole host of elements involved? The dumbest thing would be to cast Robert Pattinson. He has his own franchise and we would only see Edward, who is so not the whipping kind. As a fan of Sons of Anarchy, I understand exactly why Charlie Hunnam was cast. Charlie can play both brutal and swoon-worthy. Cute interview.

Learning a little about Dakota Johnson's acting chops. I approve.

Fifty Shades of Awesome Casting!

Even though I only got through 100 pages of Fifty Shades of Grey, I desperately wanted for Robert Pattinson not to be cast--just because I don't think he's right for this part. The big headline today is not Syria (okay, it is) or the unmarked grave of countless abused boys at a Florida school. It's that Charlie Hunnam, the blond god from Sons of Anarchy was cast as Christian Grey--brilliant (just as with Ben Affleck as Batman--Dish approves!). Dakota Johnson, doubly-blessed by being the offspring of 2 celebrities (Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson) will play Anastasia. I remember when Dakota was born, which makes me feel older than dirt.

Over the weekend, Lamar Odom, in his continuing downward spiral, was busted for DUI. It's sad that this happens in the public eye--sad that I can't stop reading about it. We all hope he gets back on his feet, off the floor, out of the road, off the crack, and back on the court again.

TG and I viewed The Life of Pi, which caused me to sob convulsively. The whole movie made me uncomfortable the way Titanic did, i.e. I probably drowned in another life, but then when you make a CGI animal suffer, I'm a mess. Somehow, I got through it and now TG has points for enduring my weep-fest.

Hurray to Diana Nyad who swam from Cuba to Key West! I remember her first attempt. Now that's a substantial accomplishment.

Jersey Boys--The Movie

I'm having a Teflon relationship with Clint Eastwood in that I've forgotten his senile rantings to that Obama chair a year ago and only remember that he's directing the movie version of Jersey Boys. Anyone smart enough to do this has the power to erase my memory. Plus, the old guy needs something to do with the just publicized news of his alleged separation from his wife. More of the cast list has been released, which includes our beloved John Lloyd Young* as Frankie. I love all the theater Frankies I've seen and, as a result, I've been living in fear that they would cast, oh, I don't know, Robert Pattinson in the role. I can't wait to see this! Plus, it will be cheaper than what I've paid for Broadway (over 1K).

Today in star-child-abuse-via-baby-naming: Fergie and Josh Duhamel are parents to a baby boy named Axl Jack Duhamel.
 *Dishmama's secret imaginary boyfriend until he missed a note in one song. She's gone back to Colin Firth. Just kidding. That's just my secret imaginary fantasy of my mother's imaginary star crushes. My inner world is far too active.

Blond Star Sightings--Melissa George and Emily Bergl, at Separate Times!!!

11:35 am: Dish waited for her turkey avocado tartine at Le Pain Quotidien and watched as a flock of counterpeople helped Melissa George get a "savory" baked good. Indeed, had I been awake, I would have done the same, for she is lovely and so amazing in In Treatment. Observed her overall form. Hate her for breathing the same molecules as Gabriel Byrne being younger and thinner (not really, maybe a little). As she left, she wore a white hat, which ever so slightly hid part of her gorgeous face.

5:25 pm: Fresh from a visit with J.J. who COLORED my locks divinely, I went toward Mercy Market on 20th and 7th in search of a mini-Rittersport candy bar I could inhale before TG-detection. Suddenly, I breezed by Emily Bergl, looking harried yet amazing, which made me forget about the chocolate completely. That's what celebs do. They help you lose weight!

Today the news broke about Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones splitting up. They had a good run. Reminds me of my early years in NYC, they were dating, I was going "ewwwww." But New York and their marriage sunk in.

Blessings on a dear family member, who left us today. So very sad.

What's Up, Men?

Girls Gone Wild mastermind Joe Francis has been sentenced to jail for boy-gone-wild-against-girl violence. What a sociopath mess! I'm sure some therapy and anger management and time behind bars will repair his fractured neurons.

Lamar is in hell. I keep hoping I will wake up and realize I've dreamed the demise of the Lamar and Khloe marriage. They are so cute, sexy and cuddly together. Why is he yet another cheating drug user? I wanted him to be Mr. Perfect! Can't we pretend nothing happened?

Alec Baldwin can't control himself as he and another photog tussle. The evidence keeps piling up. And photogs are so brilliant, even dressing for a work-out. Wear good sneakers if you try to snap Alec.


Katie Holmes is filming in Cleveland. Dish is on her knees, praying for her immediate return to NYC.

And now, news you've been waiting to hear: tomorrow I will reunite with J.J., our favorite hair guru, to get the mop of straw dyed--I mean, enhanced.

What Was That?

I forgot to watch the VMAs last night, though I forget every year because the inarticulate speeches make me ill. Plus, you just can't top Madonna kissing Britney. I did watch some clips, especially since there is much ado about Miley Cyrus. I can see what the fuss is about--I mean, Can't Sing, Can't Even Try to Perform without Bumping Up Against a Foam Finger. I mean, ew. Why do female singers always have to tramp it up, especially the pre-pubescent ones? Why can't they just...you know...sing? At least N'Sync wore nice suits (to hide middle-aged bodies) and displayed some talent in movement.

In other news, Lamar and Khloe seem to be over. It's not just the cheating, but his alleged drug use. I was pulling for them. She and Kris are the only ones who don't talk in a detached monotone.

Ben is the New Batman

...which begs for Matt Damon to be the new Robin and Jennifer Garner to be the new Catwoman and Robin Williams to be the new Alfred. I may be in the minority but I approve this choice of Ben. He'll bring out the bat in the man. Christian Bale does nothing for Dish. My only worry: Doesn't playing Batman kind of mean your career is going downhill?

Time for some Kleenex on this news: Richie Sambora has left Bon Jovi. If Duran Duran can survive the loss of Andy Taylor, surely, Bon Jovi can find a new rocking guitarist. We Duranies are thrilled with Dom. Fans will adapt.

We finally know what baby North West looks like. Of course, being a baby, she is adorable. I immediately thought she looked like Kim. Speaking of celebrity babies, Alec Baldwin and his wife Hilaria are the proud parents of a baby girl named Carmen.

I'm giving birth to a new addiction to Carambar candies from France.

Love Fest for Antoinette Tuff

Who cares about the alleged rocky marriage of Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom (okay, I do) when there is Antoine Tuff in the world? TG and I just watched her on our beloved Anderson Cooper's AC360 and we teared up a little. Read about her bravery here. Like AC, I wish she could be on my speed-dial when I need support. She even makes me want to go to church--and I'm not religious. But I would go with her.

Wentworth Miller Comes Out and Disses Russia

When invited to an international film festival in St. Petersburg, godlike Prison Break actor Wentworth Miller declined because, as a gay man, he couldn't.He is my hero of the day. This makes me happy since maybe it's another step toward change.

"I didn't want to tell you but there were a lot of people coughing on our plane," TG said to me this morning, having caught the mother of all colds after we returned from France. But as if I am not hypervigilant on planes. I protect my six. I know who's sneezing, who's quivering in their seat and who's wailing every time there's a bump. I knew we were flying in a petri dish of illness. Now we're both sick divas.

A rumor that Charlie Hunnam might play Christian Grey in 50 Shades of Grey. He is a GREAT choice, though I wonder if by the time the movie comes out no one will care anymore. They need to make the flick now.

David Cassidy busted for DUI. Aw, Keith.

Happy Blue Moon!

Renowned scribe Elmore Leonard has died. I get him mixed up with Hunter S. Thompson (also dead) so when I heard the news, I felt terrible for Johnny Depp who had an affinity with the latter. Then I decided to become informed and searched Wikipedia for a list of Elmore Leonard's works and realized I was mourning the wrong dude and screw Johnny anyway. Doesn't he have enough? RIP to the one responsible for 3:10 to Yuma and Out of Sight, two Dishfaves.

Today I'm disappointed in Simon Cowell for publicly acknowledging his paternity. Why can't he continue dissing everything in sight? Really, Simon? You're going to love sh*tty onesies (Dish doesn't mind them--in fact, TG and I will babysit)?

More important news--Radaronline is alleging that Kim Kardashian had leg fat moved into her butt. Dish has the perfect recipe for a fat butt: the rice and potatoes I had for dinner. Still mourning the loss of Lee Thompson Young. I can't bear to watch Rizzoli & Isles right now.

It's a Good Thing I'm Home

Can I just say that the world went to hell with Dish and TG in France? Three senseless--and young--celebrity deaths (RIP, Lee Thompson Young, Gia Allemand and Lisa Robin Kelly), Criminal Minds's Thomas Gibson catfished (with totally embarrassing hot tub video--and yes, I had to look up what catfished meant) and an online feud between between Perez Hilton and Lady Gaga, Katie Couric and Kim Kardashian. Can we all simmer down, believe in ourselves and take stock of what's good in our lives again?

It's okay now. We're home.

Vacation verdict: It was so wonderful to experience Paris with TG. We dined, walked, spoke French, and our digestive tracts will never be the same. As we took in sumptuous sights, I also realized how much I love being a New Yorker (even though I hate it too, which is so New York).

Bonjour, Mes Amis!

Dish est living it up en France. Je ne sais pas comment j'ai survived le plane mais j'ai did. Nous eatons, walkons, et cloggue les arteries. Une nice vacation avec mon chou chou.

Off to Frogland...

...on a day that threatens constant thunderstorms and more terror alerts. Dish hates to travel, but alas, these two weeks without TG have made me positively forlorn. I am co-dependent and will endure seven hours of white knuckles to be reunited once again with the land of my childhood and the man of my dreams.

Celebrity updates: The Bachelorette chose probably the best person. The whole season ended on a high notes. All the guys seemed lame until the end. I'm so glad Brooks showed his true colors and he looked a little pasty After the Rose. I hope that Dez appreciate the good in the guy, rather than the flash. Though sometimes you get flash and good.

I did not comprehend the finale for Real Housewives of Orange County. Juvaderm this and Botox that.

And now, I'm off to eat some croissants--if I get through the trip in one piece!

No More Quick Fixes, Dr. Oz

Dish is a whore for quick insomnia fixes so when Dr. Oz suggested gelatin as a helper for ZZzzzs, there was a running redhead on the street, heading for my favorite deli where I found expired boxes of Jello and then one black cherry box still ripe. I ran home and made it, then let it sit because I'm not a fan of Jello, except when my gramma made it. If she were in the vicinity, I'd chow it down. Maybe if there were some Cool-Whip. Long story long, I threw out the entire thing.

Much like gelatin, Simon Cowell's spawn adhered itself to one woman's lucky womb. Can you imagine the good fortune of growing up with a cranky father who tells him he's awful and not idol potential? (Love Simon, though!)

Kat Von D is one of my favorites, though her taste in men keeps getting worse. Maybe caught on a date with Drew Barrymore's ex--the really weird one?

Star Sighting--Academy Award Nominee Joan Allen!!!

Dishbrother writes at 3:11 pm: Right now--Joan Allen @ Five Napkin Burger, Bway & 84th, sitting outside, hair lovely strawberry blonde. Easy breezy.

Dish immediately replies: Is she still a skinny bitch?

DB: Yep. But she looks good.

I hate HER! Joan is a triple threat--so talented you forget she's an actress, pretty and skinny!!! Plus, now she's at an age where she can have sexy geezer sex. Remember UpYourButt with Anger with Kevin Costner? That one blew, but you get the idea of what's possible for Miss Sexy Joan. Oh Joan, using your lovely locks as a scarf to hide your magnificence--out in the wide open air.

In other news, Dish had a heinous panic attack, couldn't get on subway without almost hurling so walked home. Hate having anxiety, though it might have been tainted turkey. Salad bar--never again.

"Great Role Models for Other Married Couples"

Just when you thought it was safe to scour the internets for wholesome news items, this awesomeness hits you like a sharknado and you Can't Turn Away. I confess, Doug is fantastic actor and I sort of like Courtney Stodden. She's a rude interruptor with gigantic fun bags, but in twenty years, she might rule the world and we won't know how it happened. I suspect her IQ is freakishly high. For now, though, she's a guppy with 0 impulse control.

In Scientology, I scanned a list of celebrity devotees and found...Jeffrey Tambor, acting genius of Arrested Development. REALLY? I'm fascinated.

Today's divorce news: Natasha Henstridge--my very first girl crush--is splitting with her man. Could my ultimate star-fantasy come true, that she and her co-star from The Secret Circle Gale Harold did more than kiss on-screen (I didn't see it but can only assume)? Please say yes. Otherwise, I'll have to watch her with Michael Vartan in little known screen masterpiece It Had to Be You.

Spike Lee released his must watch movies--all men, mostly predictable.

The Bachelorette: Forgive me, feminists, but Brooks is a gigantic pu**y. He's just not that into you, Des.

A Celeb-aholic's Despair

You may have noticed my absence, though if I read the analytics, maybe not so much. I'll tell you the truth about my silence. I've made a discovery so perverse, so unimaginable that I've sunken into a hole of Grey's Anatomy (Next post will explain why the writing is technically awful), of scripted television where the characters are nice, fun, interesting and not total idiots.

Dish has realized: Celebrities are a-holes to be avoided at all times.

I don't know how journalists, tabloids, groupies or paps devote their time to them. They're idiots. They waste themselves, market their personas to sell products, don't care about others. Most of them can't put two words together and are so desperate to be photographed, they'll pretend to hate it, get publicly drunk or parade around in a new bikini on "vacation." Then they go onto Twitter and spout nothing special.

I've raised them to a higher standard for so long. Now I just think they're silly. Could this be the summer blues? I can't bear to read TMZ because it's the same people and who-cares kinds of stories. Sure, I'll search for blind items and when I hear that Bethenney's a total nightmare to work with, I cackle still. But my eyes can't take any more of the Kimye, the housewives, who only do the following:

1. Meet, talk about their new product lines.
2. Get into fights.
3. Meet in public place for lunch to discuss the fight.
4. Fight again.
5. Arrange awkward gettogether where more fighting can happen.

Even Duchess Kate giving birth did nothing for me. The Bachelorette is about to choose a crybaby for her true love. Ray Donovan and The Killing have become lame. Everyone is a hustler. It's not fun anymore.

Because I've devoted 45 years to celebrities, I'm waiting for a moment of redemption. Maybe Snooki will go to law school. Or Weiner and Spitzer will give up their campaigns and frolic in a tub of oil with their socks on and it will be filmed. Or maybe, a star will be caught reading Crime and Punishment. These would bring me hope.