More Stars Smoke Doobies!!!

Poor Jennifer Lawrence--She's feisty, trips up stairs, wins an Oscar, dyes her hair black, wears no makeup for even a second, and smokes what looks like a join in Hawaii. What's next? She is the new star to follow constantly. So help me, if I wind up in a bathroom stall next to hers, I will spill!

The press is catching every frame of Kim's expanding body mass during pregnancy. I've never liked her more! The Kardashians do make a strong case for being a healthy weight. No lollipops there. Though I think we're all pretty sick of them. Not even the sex picture of her and Kanye raises my non-existent eyebrow.

Other than this, nothing going on. I'm wearing dots again. Trying out pink eyeshadow. Liking it. Snowball earrings. My pants are too short.

Breakups and Babies!

I liked the pairing of Rachel McAdams and Michael Sheen (who had a baby with Kate Beckinsale) so their recent breakup makes me wonder where we're headed as a society. They could have made The Notebook II. Now he might have to go back to playing Tony Blair forever. She'll take over where Jennifer Garner has left off. I don't like it.

Today Perez Hilton announced that he is a dad. I bet he'll be great at it--said with absolutely no WASP sarcasm. He's smart, has resources and seems to have a moral compass. Again, no sarcasm. I really mean it.

The best part about today--other than clean laundry, covert purchase of another Jersey Boys ticket and secret eating of mini-Rittersport and hiding evidence before TG could see it--is that Duran Duran's John Taylor now has dual citizenship, i.e. he and I are both Americans. I will now speak with a British accent!

TG is eating tripe soup. Major ewwww. Do all boys eat like that?

Deep Musings Over Anne Hathaway Bashing

She was so much easier to deal with as a Disney princess, or when Meryl Streep dressed her down in The Devil Wears Prada, when Jake cheated on her in Brokeback Mountain, as the poor bridal BFF to fabulous Kate Hudson in Bride Wars. But now, with her recent acty performances, her marvelous shrinking body and that Winona-little-boy haircut, and, dear god, articulate and rehearsed award acceptance speeches. Well, screw her!!! Now the rags are saying that she practiced her acceptance speech so we would like her more. Failure, Anne Hathaway! You're supposed to act completely shocked, say Oh My God a few times, blubber, try to catch your breath and forget to thank a bazillion people, including your new husband. My advice: another crotch flash, blow some spit bubbles and say 1/2 the words you need. Get a weave because the short hair makes it worse. Go far away from Hugh Jackson, too, because you're making the rest of us completely jealous. We all want to jump on a trampoline and sing show tunes with Hugh all day long--and she didn't have to try!!!

But seriously, Dish saw Anne on panel and instantly became imaginary best friends with her. She's pretty cool.

The best news today--mostly for TG--is that Andy Dick is going to be on Dancing with the Stars. This is a huge risk for the franchise. Big mistake. Huge.

In sadness, Michelle Williams and Jason Segel broke up. 

Oscar Hangover

So, I enjoyed Seth MacFarlane though I have the feeling everyone else hated him. I can't bear to read the reviews. Dish fell asleep artificially toward the end, but managed to form some opinions:

Ugliest dress: Halle Berry, Jennifer Aniston--and boring!
Most ridiculous hair: Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Garner, Kristen Stewart. They didn't even try.
Best breasts: Brandi Glanville
Healthiest looking: Jessica Chastain--because she looks so much like me; Jane F*cking Fonda
Most boring speech: Chris Wa.... from the Tarentino movie. Mostly because I felt the others were robbed. He already got one!
Most awkward presenter banter: Paul Rudd/Melissa McCarthy
Biggest upset: Chris Wa...., Anne Hathaway's nipples
Plastic surgery award: Jennifer Garner's lips
Drunkest: Ben Affleck, though I think he was stoned. Or just sweaty due to hideous facial hair.
Most embarrassing speech: Kind of the long opening--which could have been shaved down to 10 minutes.
Best speech: Daniel Day Lewis
The hottest mess: The bloated atonal muppet that is Russell Crowe, Amy Adams--her hair was f*cked, but loved her dress and that she admitted her nervousness. Of course, J-Lawr tripping on the stairs wasn't a new ballet step, but if anyone can deal with it, she can. As always, William Shatner is a hot mess.
Who was robbed: I'm told Tommy Lee Jones.
Just plain sad: George Clooney's ugly, ugly beard (the one on his face)
Most touching moment: Ben Affleck winning for Argo
Sublime: Charlize dancing with Channing Tatum

The Bachelor just sent sad-sack home, though she handled it well. No ugly limo crying. Now he has to choose between Airhead and Sex-kitten.

FYI--TG is being a gigantic, flaming pustule producing asshole. Yup.

Dish's Oscar Picks!

I tend to pick all the wrong films, but here goes!

Supporting Actor: Tommy Lee Jones (though I loved Robert De Niro in Silver Lining Playbook more)Supporting Actress: Anne Hathaway
Animated Feature: Frankenweenie
Cinematography: Life of Pi (I don't know)
Costume Design: Anna Karenina (Les Mis was all raggy)
Directing: Lincoln, though could be Silver Linings Playbook as dark horse
Documentary Feature: The Invisible War. I want this one to win.
Documentary Short: Mondays at Racine
Film Editing: Argo
Foreign Language: Amour
Makeup and Hairstyling: Hitchcock
Music (Original Score): Argo (not the foggiest)
Production Design: The Hobbit
Animated Short: The Paperman
Short Live Action: Curfew
Sound Editing: Life of Pi
Sound Mixing: Les Miserables
Visual Effects: Life of Pi
Writing (Adapted Screenplay): Argo
Writing (Original): Moonrise Kingdom

Best Actor: Daniel Day Lewis
Best Actress: Jessica Chastain (I always vote for the Gingie, plus this is the pretty award--Naomi could take it, too). Oh I forgot, Jennifer Lawrence is getting tons of buzz now so she could win, but I'll stick with Jessica. Though if Jennifer won, I wonder if it would piss off Kristen Stewart. Dish is so mean!!!
Best Picture: Argo

But here are the most important awards:

Ugliest dress:
Most ridiculous hair:
Best breasts:
Healthiest looking:
Most boring speech:
Most awkward presenter banter:
Biggest upset:
Plastic surgery award:
Drunkest:
Most embarrassing speech:
Best speech:
The hottest mess:
Who was robbed:
Just plain sad:
Most touching moment:

The Apocalypse Is Near

Another sort of shocking Hollywood split: Diane Lane and Josh Brolin. My Dish-vibe tells me--based purely on excessive sniffing of tea tree oil and vapor analysis--their marriage might have been tumultuous. She seems like a delicate flower. He's a bad boy, mind-numbingly good actor. Of course, he's going to blow that to hell, though I hope he doesn't. Diane Lane will continue being sweet and amazing.

This weekend is devoted to Oscar. Sure, I'll spend time looking in the mirror and wondering how to transform into Jessica Chastain. If I tape up the sides of my face and hide the flaps under my hair, no one will see the difference. And then I just throw on a gown and act awkward and modest--there. I am she.

Hilariousness from Michelle Obama and Jimmy Fallon.

I'm in Heaven Because...

...I'm seeing Barry Manilow in concert tonight. That is all.

(TG accidentally bought the entire season of American Horror Story when I already have it. Tee hee)

TG's Super Secret Celebrity Crushes

He's going to kill me for outing him but he's making me watch American Horror Story. Given my penchant for celebrity obsession, of course, I needed to take inventory of TG's star habits. He is the ultimate gentleman, opens doors for me, cooks me dinner, gets nervous over *my* challenging moments, tells me often I'm pretty. I know he adores me, but does the great TG have celebrity crushes? Yes, though he would never admit to such frivolity. Here they are--from my observations:

Sarah Silverman: She makes him belly laugh like no one else except for maybe his brother. I get it.

Sofia Vergara: She's so stacked. I don't blame him. I'm a little in love with her too.

Pepper from American Horror Story: Whoever plays her is mucho talented, plus there's the proximity to La Lange.

Connie Britton from American Horror Story: This one hurts. She's amazing.

Reza from Shahs of Sunset: I also can't look away when he's talking. He's a god.

Tuesday's Slime

I'm officially boycotting TMZ I give it two days because they massively grossed me out by asking Billy Bob Thornton if he is okay with having sex during that special girl time (he said he is). Okay, boy interviewer, you try experiencing the joys of being a woman for two months and you'll go screaming back to mommy. There is so much vileness we girls put up with and never even mention, well, except maybe in a dark place in a bar and only females populate the earth and we just talk about our periods and nothing else. Pretty below-the-belt TMI, TMZ.

RHoBH: Adrienne Maloof slimes her self-tanner on the white furniture at Lisa's and at Kyle's White Party. Now that's something I want to try--make my butt impression on my mother's white furniture in her apartment. Luckily, she has a lot of guests who can't see. Taylor couldn't go to the White Party because she got wasted, slept with someone, got a  plane and forgot her kid. Starting to see Kim as the sane one. Her new nose does look fabulous.

The Bachelor: (spoiler) Just because Dez's brother wants to do her, why did Sean send her home? And do we believe he's a virgin? This headline sooo did not make me buy the latest US magazine and hide it under my People.

Best quote from Vanderpump Rules: "You need to take that victim tampon out of your ass."

Full circle.

Downton Abbey's Shocking Finale

Spoiler--don't read this unless you saw last night's carnage on DA. Season 3 is over, boo to the hoo. FB burns bright with outrage over the demise of Melatonin Matthew. Hate me if you must, but I'll say it here: I'm not sad that his character died. That's what happens when you're happy and driving wildly on a one-lane road. The open-eye dead face wasn't fun, but still, I didn't cry. He was whiny and boring, he wouldn't give his oodles of money to save his wife's family house out of PRINCIPLE. What a d*ck. Mary is always depressed, too. She needs someone sparky--and judging from rumors alone, she'll get him in Season 4! I only wish they'd bring back Shirl. Dish doesn't like real-life drama so much, but on TV, please be outrageous.

I'm still mourning the death of Mindy McCready, though I only knew her intimately from Celebrity Rehab--another talented soul battling mental illness and addiction. She seemed so tormented, as if nothing would have helped. If I am ever that ill, I might have TG drop me in the middle of nowhere, work on a farm, live simply. This might drive me insane since Tropical B*tch Sandy nearly sent me off a cliff. Dish needs her Angry Birds! TG's welcome to commit me, no questions asked (as long as it's all televised).

Once again, Alec Baldwin can't seem to control himself. He might have uttered a racial slur, he might not have. Who knows? TG remarked that Alec needs to stay controversial since he's out of a job. He's very astute about the stars, that TG.

Dish official Oscar ruling: I pick Argo for best picture, despite artistic license in some areas. It's a no frills, modest tale with very good performances.

Another preggo: Fergie of BEP
Khloe Kardashian fired from The X Factor

RIP, Mindy McCready

Died in apparent suicide. Sad downward spiral over years ends. Poor lady. Poor kids.

Giving Up on TMZ

I used to thrive on TMZ's gossip but they report the same story: "singer", athlete, "actor" arrested, in a fight, DUI or owing back taxes. Reality show has-beens also arrested, dying freakishly or talking smack. So-and-so looks like crap in the airport and answers a question.

Am I maturing or are the stars this self-destructive?

After the real literature of Dlisted, I salivate over Radaronline's juicy headlines. They write about more important things, like who's taking a stroll (Julia), the latest bikini shots, mixed with housewives' slurring their words and forgetting about their children. Now that's reporting.


It seems John Mayer got Katy Perry a ring. Not an engagement ring, but it's probably more like a I-might- propose-but-probably-not "promise" ring. Sometimes a ring is just a ring.

Poor anguished Morrissey has had to cancel tour dates due to a bleeding ulcer and esophageal condition. Dish has had an ulcer and it's no fun. Even though Morrissey is the last person with whom I'd like to be trapped in an elevator, I wish him health.

Hugh Grant had a second child. Maya Rudolph is preggo with her fourth child.

Master of My Romaine

I embarked on a healthier regime today by watching The Master and eating salmon and salad. Failure on all fronts, Will Robinson!!! If you're a girl, you've eaten salad every day since comparing yourself to Kristy McNichol circa 1979. Could not choke it down, not even to be Kristy. I went for a chicken Caesar wrap instead, then mocha chip ice cream (again). 

So, The Master. I do love my Phillip Seymour Jessica Sarah Parker Hoffman. Just when I think he's so acty, he will show once again how brilliant he is. And Joaquin Phoenix--no one does screwed-up drunk better than he does. Here's the story: A loser survives the war and drinks too much. This guy really should be landfill. Instead, he wanders onto a boat (because that happens) and winds up meeting The Master. TM is interesting, inquisitive, creative--someone who makes you feel good. For some reason, he adores Loser and devotes energy to curing him. His scary wife Amy Adams (terrifying) is more skeptical, yet gives TM a hand job in the sink. I went blind so I'm not sure what happens after this.

Over two hours go by. Loser is still a loser. I feel as if I've seen Joaquin do this role before. Would love to see him do something light. Sure, it's about Scientology, but Tom Cruise and his band of merry men were not at all threatened by this slowwwww movie. It packs no punch whatsoever. It's more a slice of life between polar opposites. The setting is interesting, the performances good, just deadly, deadly pacing. If it weren't for Hoffman, I'd say pass. Though rent only.

Deadly Valentine Star News

Forgive me, I couldn't bear to deal with the whole Oscar Pistorius alleged murder of Reeva Steenkamp story. The rags have splashed her photo everywhere. It's so Lifetime. I bought the Post, which filled me with self-loathing until I ate three See's chocolates after which I ran seven miles. An ugly tale.

Hey, great news, former Extra hostess Dayna Devon might join the RHoBH! This is a major score because the cast just isn't blond enough. It's rumored that Taylor Armstrong will not return. This hurts me since I enjoyed her scary, drunken outbursts since I have those moments too--just without the alcohol or outburst part. My vibe tells me Adrienne will go, too, since her presence this season--aside from the understated catfight with Brandi--has been limited. Oh wait, I take that back. They'll evict Kim, give her some coloring books and candy necklaces. Dish is right there with her, testing out the updated Ghost Radar app for iPad. (It works!)

In celebrity law: Kris Humphries's lawyer is gone so he needs a new one to keep up the farce that is marriage to a Kardashian. I long for the day when Kardashian goes the way of Paris Hilton. Even more mind numbing, that LeAnn Rimes is still in the news and not for singing! She's allegedly suing her dentist for messing up her teeth. Reminds me, I need to get my front tooth evened out pronto before anyone notices. In college I opened a beer bottle and chipped one. It's like a badge of honor to my stupidity. That was, like, 23 5 years ago.

Jersey Boys is Officially Obsessed with Dish

So I Tweeted about seeing Jersey Boys (from several accounts) on 2/13 and THIS miracle happened:

I almost fainted, for real. I mean, Jersey Boys answered my Tweet (TG has already rained on my parade, claiming their "marketing agent"--like he knows the official title--did the deed). And they used the hashtag of my favorite Four Seasons song, like we have ESP! This is not a marketing agent or personal assistant, this is the magic of the Four Seasons. If you think about it, they are practically begging me to go again. And I will. Tomorrow Next week month. 

Happy Valentine's Day to My Valentine

I can't go without expressing a heart-and-chocolate-felt HVD to my sweet Valentine (from 2009 to forever), the ever-gorgeous TG. He already did the best thing ever by acquiring an elephant (see below). I've named him/her Frankie Valentine. As you can see, Frankie is wearing an orange yarmulke. Yes, we're a little bananas.

I am the luckiest girl ever!

Junky TV Brings Us Together

In high school, there was a team of women who were like my sisters--still are. I also had on my roster about 20 girls that I worshiped from afar, the ones who looked like they were having a blast, always well put-together, dating and happy. Almost 30 years later, I bond weekly with many of these girls via Facebook over the latest sh*tty TV. It's life-affirming to find kinship in a really sad, sad addiction. My world keeps expanding. I'm not alone.

 If you watched O last night, you know that the state of the union is strong. Why can't O use another adjective? What about robust or as free-flowing as the waters of Lake Titicaca? The best part was Rubio's counter-talk and his swigging the Poland Spring, maybe to wash down the Xanax? Yesterday, I think I irritated someone by crackling an Altoid wrapper during a meeting--a little like The Biscuit pouring water during a trial on Ally McBeal. Dish might subconsciously do it on purpose, which is evil. Well, it's mostly nerves. But Rubio should have contained himself for TV since TV = Life. I didn't witness the swig. By then, Dish had turned off telephonic devices to devote evening to TG and See's chocolate.

And tonight...it's off to Jersey Boys again!

The State of My Pizza

It's lukewarm but delicious, meshing nicely with three See's chocolates--because 3 is not as bad as 4. Will hide wrappings from TG who won't have a clue what just happened. Or where I am in The Bachelor (he's on the menage a quatre, making these ladies carsick with his driving). I honestly don't know who Sean should pick: Adopted Ashley--She's a little heavy, as in so much baggage. If he marries her, she'll have these solemn realizations while he just want to do somersaults on the trampoline. She'd make a good wife. Sassy Catherine--Very adorable girl, though heavy also with 2 awful life events. Tiera--disaster, run. Katie Holmes--cute, real, who knows. Makeout Girl Who Sleeps Naked: Not serious enough. The Blonde--sure. No one is really standing out as his wife. So important.

Right now, the whole Chris Dorner standoff-nightmare might be ending. Is it my imagination or are people snapping more than they used to? Or maybe we're getting more on tape.

I push down the harshness of real life with some fake Real Housewife of Beverly Hills, standing firmly with Team Brandi/Lisa. I'm trying to believe that nothing is staged but when I saw Faye crash the tea party, I realized producers probably pushed her on stage...well, I doubt she needed pushing. I'd be there in a hot second as the city's top gatherer of black cat hair. If you use a damp sponge, the hair comes right up.

Alec Baldwin has impregnated his wife.

I Know You're All Worried...

...about my incessant watching of The West Wing. Fear not. Tonight I caught up on Shahs of Sunset with TG until he fell asleep during Resa and Adam's "seaglass" hunting and snacking on prepared exotic foods on the beach. Then I went back to Josiah Bartlett's announcing he was running for a second term even though he has MS. Stockard Channing is pisssed.

Now I regret missing the Grammys since I didn't see Justin Timberlake's stylish return to performing. Chris Brown remaining seated when Frank Ocean won his award. Taylor Shift (oh god, I know that's not her name but I can't think of it) singing that sourpuss song, dissing her British ex. J.Lo flashing her leg like Jolie, though I prefer my J.Lo in a sparkly flesh-toned body-stocking. I don't get why the leg flash or The Highline in NYC is such a big frigging deal. More impressive is Katy Perry defying the CBS body-censoring memo with the unleashing of her glorious tatas in that awesome seafoam dress from American Apparel. I should have watched....

Out of fear that TG will see how much sh*t I watch rage against the networks for scheduling my two must-sees at the same time, I'm not watching The Bachelor or RHoBH, which is why I'm writing this during the 8-10pm hour.

Oh wait: This just in--LeAnn got BANGS!!! I'm seeing Jersey Boys for the 8th time on Wednesday (an accident!). And the pope resigned.

Game Change...Because I'm Not Watching The Grammys

Last day of hibernation. I'm all about the politics and finally got to watch Mistress Julianne as Sarah Palin in Game Change. I'll say first that I was never pro-Palin, but I'm always interested in the minds of those who think the way she does.

You notice right away that J-Moore's transformation is frightening. She is Palin without going bananas. You kind of forget anyone else is in the movie because she's so perfect. The script is mediocre, Ed Harris doesn't even try to be McCain, cliche is everywhere--though it's all highly enjoyable, especially since you learn more about an exciting period.

This movie makes Palin a bit more sympathetic, less of a caricature. Like Dish, she had a fourth grade knowledge of foreign policy. That's really sad (and she's not alone in politics). After an initial show of strength, she had a downward spiral and I would have too. It was a ridiculous amount of pressure on someone so completely unqualified for higher office, sort like putting Dish on Wall Street (though I'm eerily close).

You Give Me Cabin Fever!

For the last four days, I've been indoors. No slacking here, I swear. Not only did I finish a 1k piece puzzle but I also oinked my way through 6 pints of ice cream and watched 40 episodes of The West Wing, sobbing every 43 minutes. Damn you, Martin Sheen, and your eloquent speeches. Awesomeness comes in a little package sometimes. There was a long period of time when Martin was more famous than his son. The sugar makes me forget the cruel reality of today's appetite for misbehaving celebrities. Slurp, slurp, toffee chip crunch with M&Ms, raspberry swirl and cookies & cream. So delicious!

Christina Applegate quit Up All Night, the show no one was watching anyway. TG has already called his agent at CAA to demand a co-starring role with his best friend, Will Arnett. TG would play the loveable sidekick who is filled with man-love (and the first beer-bong-man-love-baby?). I feel very strongly that Christina should give up sit-coms and do romantic comedies. She killed in The Sweetest Thing. What about The Sweetest Thing 2 with Christina hooking up with Jason Bateman who was hilarious?

Tomorrow, my review of Game Change...

Celebrities Have Problems, I Fix Them in 30 Seconds

Brandi and LeAnn: Keep the feud going forever, please. $$$$

Kim Kardashian: Kris should have his freaking annulment. 72 days is not a real crack at marriage.The fact that there's still no deal means they both want to keep it going. KK gets everything she wants already.

Chris Brown and Rihanna: This will play itself out, sadly. I scroll past 95% of their news because it bores me.

The fact that body parts will be covered up for the Grammys: There will be rule breaking, by Pink and those  who need eccentricity to hide lack of talent. And just because they are artists and hate being told to hide their creamy mounds creativity.

I give up! My pocketbook can't keep up with the Housewife products: the books, the songs, the shoe lines, the jean stores, the hooker couture dresses, the exercise videos, the booze and the jewelry.

Film critic Rex Reed slams the movie Identity Thief and insults Melissa McCarthy for being "tractor-sized." I dunno, the review is pretty heinous. The overweight comic relief is a crappy movie/TV husband trope (Chris Farley, I miss you), but this review seemed to repeatedly hit hard on McCarthy's weight rather than her talent. Some people didn't "get" Bridesmaids or watch Gilmore Girls and Mike & Molly. Did Chris Farley get that kind of abuse? Well, Chris Christie definitely does so maybe it's not a girl thing. The bottom line is I like Jenny Melissa McCarthy as she is. Yes, she's overweight. There might be health problems. She's kind of hot, too, adorable, smart, really funny and appealing. She's probably happier than the other lollipops because, if anything, her handlers probably want her to eat more. Eating makes you happy. And who cares anyway? There's a blizzard outside. Duane Reade is closed and I can't rush to get my Entemann's fix, which suxxxxxx. Here's the future for McCarthy: Jenny Craig might call her, she'll slim down, look all drawn and then get hired to perform on Smash. Yes, I want J-Hud to gain 20 pounds! There, I said it.

And now, I'm going to tune in and see my friend Langdon on Langdon Nation. The man who tried to be the bride at my wedding... He performs live on http://tradiov.com/la/ at 9pm ET.

Books, Rumors and Vomit!

I can't get enough of my celebrity books. Once I'm done with Happens Every Day by Stabler's wife in L&O: SVU, I'm moving on to Lucky Me by Sachi Parker about being the daughter of Shirley MacLaine. It doesn't sound like a Mommie Dearest thing, but fer sher, frank talk about strange parenting. I've read a gazillion Shirley books and her mothering never seemed all that amazing. Her astral projecting--awesome.

My next tome is Beyond Belief Jenna Miscavige Hill. I'm obsessed with the celebrity Scientology thing, which is why I had to read their bizarre textbook from cover to cover. It's so eerie, I sort of get it. My introduction to Scientology came in the early nineties from someone high up in the organization who was linked to Tom's initiation. Back then, my star-senses were crude, aimless. If I knew then what I know now, I would have plunged into it, met famous people and somehow wheeled and dealed my way onto a sit-com. Lost dreams.

Today's rumor: that Nicole and Keith are splitting. I've heard this one before.

Marilyn Manson joins the ranks of Bieber and Gaga by yakking on stage, saying later he had the flu. I admire the show must go on attitude, but take a lesson from Barry Manilow who doesn't want to gross out his fans and wind up on TMZ: Stay the hell home and catch up on your Housewives! Though I feel Manson's down time involves picking scabs and howling in a dark room filled with blood and snake skins.

The Grammys aka Dumbfest are on tomorrow. Showing body parts forbidden. What is the talent going to do?

Inspiration

Tomorrow I have to be tough and helpful and not selfish. I am wearing this t-shirt (thanks, Dishbrotherhusband!) to keep me Dolly-esque. Stop laughing, TG. I know. She's awesome and I love her.

Star Sighting--Annie Golden!!!

3:00pm: 15th and 7th. Dish was exiting Westside Market, with bags of TG's favorite foods, and almost ran right into my FAVORITE person from the movie version of Hair, the delightful Annie Golden. Even more awesome, she was talking to herself--as was I! If I hadn't been doing heavy lugging, I would have followed her the hiding-behind-the-bushes-when-TG-ran-after-Will-Arnett begs to differ.

I've caught up on The Bachelor and feel Sean is a serial killer. He fits the profile and keeps making the women do these physical tests--jumping in ice water, climb or descend a tall structure, get in a boat, drink goat milk (as IF) and walk around the mansion. He wants to see them suffer. I don't get why Tiera keeps getting a rose. Her injuries alone make her a bad investment. It's all rigged. Sean can't kick off Tiera because she's ratings gold and the other women are boringly normal (I'm pulling for either trailer park Katie Holmes or the adopted woman).

Smash: Jennifer Hudson is my only reason for watching stop lying, Dish. It's the truth: J-Hud is magic. Everything else seems so cliche. Loved Ivy's opening dress, how it meshed with her brassy blond. Which online stores must I raid to find this exact one??? Glad Messing got rid of milktoast husband--hope she gets with someone who will help her dress sexy again, I mean, for the first time. Sorry, that was unkind.

If You See Kevin Bacon on the Subway, Say Hello!

This tidbit comes courtesy of TG, who is obviously revealing his closet-love of the stars. I like to live in a world where Kevin is friendly, waving to us, and breaking into his Footloose dance. But I also remember a time when a now famous personality brought a group of friends through Central Park and they all waved at Kev & Kyra. K&K sneered and covered their faces. Well, I would have run in the opposite direction because of, well, a certain parade where women were assaulted in the park. You just never know and celebs need extra protection.

You know I'm a fool for love because I'd give up Downton Abbey I've already watched all of season 3--and my reaction, Dishbrother says, means I've a heart of stone to watch Rachael vs. Guy Celebrity Cookoff. It's down to Dean and Carnie Wilson. TG and I love Carnie, because she's a mess. Don't give her too many crayons at once otherwise she'll have a hissy. I adore Dean since Tori Spelling and I have been imaginary friends these last 20 years. Dean's the better chef, I think.

Oh God...I forgot...Smash Trash is BACK! And I forgot to watch this sh*tty sh*tty show that I'm totally obsessed with. Give me more weird Anjelica face/bob, bad Messing clothes because she's so artsy and NYC, soapy story-lines, McPhee dead-behind-the-eyes, wimpy hubby, pretentious Brit director who married Debra's cheating sister Amy Adams in The Wedding Date knows everything, unamazing music and well, I can't get enough.

My Team Won...

...until I found out there's a killer on the Ravens team. Do I choose killer spiders don't count or homophobe? It doesn't take a lot to turn Dish.

Superbowl: I'll admit Beyonce did well I saw Matthew Modine wear this exact costume once in Tribeca. Her gyrating and singing were above and beyond last year. And I gasped when Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams appeared (though they were on for maybe two minutes--Beyonce was like don't even). My brain rolodexed to the drama that broke up their group--though I don't remember it. I started Googling madly. And then on Facebook, the great Ray Bokhour's great wife said that Ray had been married to Michelle Williams for a few months. I gasped again. He played "Rio" during my wedding ceremony and he's a famous actor now in Chicago on Broadway. How did I *not* know he was once married to Michelle of Destiny's Child? I IMDBed them both but found no evidence of their marriage. Then I Googled them and realized they played husband and wife in Chicago. It's so easy to get me going on wild celebrity goose chases!

This is my Donna Reed It's a Wonderful Life moment--all is well in Dishland, but please, if you have a spare moment, send out especially good vibes for TG this week. He has to deal with the agony of a 1000-piece puzzle spread across our apartment.

Superblow 2013!

Ha! Dishbrother came up with that title. Tough times for Dish figuring out which team to support. A 49er made a gay slur, so it's all Ravens. Then again, I adore San Fran the city more than Balti, so 49ers. But then I saw the 49ers' ugly tan leggings and my choice became clear. Beyonce's on right now. I can't imagine she's singing live, but she's bringing it. How does she move in those heels? I'm going to wear her outfit to work and see how fast I'm told to leave immediately. Holy bananas, Destiny's Child. Okay gotta go.

Here's a touching Ellen/Portia moment. The best part is the last two minutes. So Dish has 10 minutes left of Downton Abbey season 3 and the really bad thing hasn't happened yet. My world hasn't been rocked yet. It's apparently so awful and I won't believe it.

Dishbrother just told me that...

...The rest of Downton Abbey season 3 is available on iTunes. I'll return in 24 hours.

RIP, Ed Koch!

I never lived in NYC during the reign of Mayor Koch, but I certainly visited often and he's an icon of this city. He had some ups and downs in politics. Still so sad to hear the news of his passing. Giuliani spent most of his time in drag on SNL, but Koch did better with his stint on Sex and the City. He made his mark.

Ignoring my advice to stick with writing and avoid the video commentary, Perez Hilton goes off Rihanna and her reunion with Chris Brown and overall bad-role-modeling. I totally agree with him. He's really, really smart. His book was awesome. Though I wish he were chubby again...

I have some sad news for a few Dishreaders who hate that Javier Bardem is married to a woman. Well, as it turns out, he may even have intercourse with his wife since Penelope Cruz is pregnant AGAIN with his child. Sorry, guys. It's real, it's happening, it's A-List with an accent.

Beyonce is no longer on my list since she copped to lip-synching at the inauguration, then sang live for some Superbowl thing. Is she REALLY the Superbowl halftime show? I dunno. Am not really wowed by their choices since after Prince. It's time for my girl crush Pink--who sings live.