WTF, Halloween.

Day #3: No power. i get why people go insane in solitary confinement. I so get hardened criminals!!! Then, with no real food and those squirrels in head, I can't bear to go out. TG has been heroic by juicing up our electronics. I went hunting for wild game sandwiches and can now see that animal protein clears my head a little. sorry, Bessie.

Love to you all. Have not checked TMZ in days.

No power

no stars today--frowny face!!!

I Can't Really Post

Our power went out. The wind is terrible, stuff is falling from building nextdoor, lots of flooding. i don't care about the stars right now. Just staying safe. And now we must eat the contents of our fridge.

The stars can wait. Pray for us.

Happy Birthday, Pretty Woman!!!

Aw, Julia--you make 45 look goooooooood!!!!

Liev Schreiber Is So Happy (and sniffly) at the Rubin

It's hard to get me out because I'm an agoraphobe on a Sunday but I perked up at the idea of Liev Schreiber, who never struck me as particularly jolly, giving a talk on happiness with CUNY prof Dr. Jesse Prinz only one block away at the Rubin Museum. I anticipated four scenarios:

1. Discussion of happiness in his work, a Liev love-fest
2. Philosophical or buddhist concept of happiness, which would be okay but a little over Dish's head.
3. The self-help model of happiness in 5 sexy steps, as in yayayayyay!!!
4. Narcissistic freeforall.

I planned carefully for five minutes what to wear. I didn't want to look like a hot groupie and, as we know, my gorgeousness would take away too much focus. So I went in jeans t-shirt and no makeup.

Someone began by asking who in the audience was happy and I raised my hand along with a few, not many. I had no problem raising my hand. Over the years, I've lost the expectation of happiness and stopped pursuing it to excess. Morbid topics tend to find me and I'm prone to mild depression. I enjoy tragic stories more than happy ones. I've had some bad years. I've cheated death. Yet, with all this, when happiness presents itself, it's gravy to a life I'm fairly glad to have. TG makes me laugh every day and I feel as if I belong with someone and that his life is as important as mine. So yeah, I'm happy and that's okay. I can still get a charge out of Snapped and Anna Karenina.

The talk was mostly Dr. Prinz elucidating matters pertaining to happiness and I could see him being the engaged hipster professor, his students and colleagues enjoying him. Liev seemed less plugged in, but more prone to discuss his own battle to deal with non-happy states, which is cool. Wasn't that what we were there for? They didn't touch too much upon Liev's impressive work. Perhaps the big thing I learned was that his joy comes from when he's in front of an audience. And he meditates and tugs at his beard constantly.

No mention of Naomi. I looked around to see if she was there. That would be a sighting indeed. He is one lucky bastard...and a fabulous actor.

Happy Birthday, Simon Le Bon!

How could I spend even one minute out of the last 24 hours thinking of anything other than Simon Le Bon's 54th birthday?

Happy Birthday, Charlie Shakespeare von Itch! One of my favorite divas on earth.

Sandy Is Getting Her Own Reality Show!

The biggest celeb right now is Sandy, that PMSing brain child of Mother Nature. Gotta love her for striking during the work week, which could impede my commute, goshdurnnit Yipee skippee!!!.  I'm just thankful this storm is blanketing the election nonsense. TG and I have slacked as far as preparing for the destruction and mayhem. I figure I'll go buy a box of Snickers, some baby wipes (? Brad Pitt says they're awesome), and D batteries, even though I don't have anything that takes them.

So, the rape talk continues and my new favorite person, Melissa Harris-Perry, just did this open letter to stale-GOP-gaffers. Thank you, Melissa, for articulating so beautifully what I've always thought to be true: that survivors of rape are the gift.

I've tried to ignore the signs that Rihanna and Chris Brown are together, that they might attend the VMAs together. I just watch this video and think she dodged a bullet back then. But now, she's in his crosshairs again. That can't be good. I give up on Rihanna and will focus on the genius of Eminem. Today, I had a panic attack for no reason while waiting for the elevator. I felt silly for it. Why then? So, then I queued up my favorite things and here's one of them. Here's another.

And lastly, I have to thank Dishbrothersidekick for telling me that there's a new Good Witch movie tonight, The Good Witch's Charm. I can't get enough of that witchy Catherine Bell. Sadly, TG is watching a documentary on bin Laden. SEXY!

Sandy, Can't You See...?

Who is this stormy wench blistering her rage toward our precious coast JK, Dish loves frightening weather!? Is she just PMSing or really angry at how we treat our planet? You know with such a bad storm, she has to be at the worst part of her cycle. Maybe it's her scary Halloween present? I like to think Sandy is a delicious cookie. Any way you slice it, let's just rush to Duane Reade in a panic to get those D batteries and bottles of water. Let's watch the weather channel endlessly--you already are. Just in case of rising tides, I've been training to swim up to 94th street where I will temporarily live with Dishbrother and Dishbrothersidekick. They won't mind. If that's not drastic enough, I will run to a mountain, just like The Hobbit and Tweennerd did in Deep Impact.

It's all about Sandy and the Presidential race now -- a storm to represent the tumult in our land. We only have 2 months until the Mayans kill us off. I'm soaking up the life, especially that full circle feeling with politics offering the opportunity for old white men to talk about rape as if they know so much. Fresh from my own experience with this nightmare, Anita Hill and William Kennedy Smith were on trial. One had many white men treating her like dumb little girl for coming forward--which happens far too often, especially in cases of date rape and marital rape. The other case was part of the big family machine, therefore the rape never happened. Now, twenty-two years later, rape has become such a hot topic, which I find weird, especially since it's only mentioned in relation to abortion. It's one of those crimes that doesn't get the razzle dazzle treatment of a gunshot wound, though the emotional scars from rape last forever. I'm not outraged or sad that these dumb guys are saying such offensive things. It's just so obvious how sick they are. We can't burn them at the stake. The best thing is to ostracize them and not elect them. My other Dishfeeling is that when a politician talks about rape with such assurance (as in the body shuts down a pregnancy from legitimate rape), he has experience with violence -- who knows how -- and has somehow made it okay in his mind. That's a truly sad person.

With all the rape, economy, stuff, who's thinking about Jessica Simpson's father's divorce and the gay rumors? Well, probably no one.

The most important part about today is that it's Hillary Clinton's birthday. I hope she had a great day, that someone brought her a cake and gave her hugs. It's a loaded three days as three of my favorite celebs have birthdays through Sunday. Hand me a lampshade.

Genius Is Gooder than Greed

I always thought the Wachowski siblings were special geniuses because of The Matrix franchise and now I feel this doubly from watching this intriguing speech by Lana Wachowski. She makes me want to read a book and be smarter! Plus, this hair is something I have to have for myself. Will this get to me to see Cloud Atlas? I haven't trusted a Tom Hanks in a while...

Why Colbert is brilliant.


Today was a remarkable day for Duran Duran's John Taylor. Not only has he made the NYT list but he has also screwed with the cops and was caught by TMZ!!! We are so proud of you, Nigel John!!!

Sorry for the shortie. Dish is totally absorbed by Sons of Anarchy. It's a sickness called Katey Sagal!!!

October Surprise Party!!!

These surprises can only be good for the Democrats. It makes me tired to write them all out so I'll just link to them! The first shows Mitt in an unflattering light when it comes to his support of women, especially sick women on the verge of divorce. The second is  Donald Trump's October surprise. I sort of feel that this is his initiation into the KKK via ransom note. Mr. Trump, we don't negotiate with terrorists. Oh, and in case you're interested: I flunked economics at Oberlin College! How's that for a transcript?


I love it when the stars sue the tabs though I'm a bit tabby. This time Tom Cruise is suing Life & Style for 50 million for printing that he abandoned his daughter. Team Tom!!! Suri is so cute and fashionable. Plus, don't you think the world would turn anti-Tom if he cut ties with the bambina? He's never going to do that. I'll admit, the photos of Tom spoiling Suri rotten make me happy. Why can't he be my daddy? Oh yeah...biologically not possible and psychologically twisted.

Today, I'm shedding tears for Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez who allegedly was discarded by Eva Langoria. How did he lose her? With a mug like his, I don't see how he'll ever find love again. Plus, he's a wallflower with no money or prospects for greatness. What chance did he ever have to sip the nectar of Cupid's sweet amore? Will this affect his throwing arm? There go the waterworks again.

In more celebrity splits, Jessica Simpson's mom and dad are divorcing and there are gay rumors floating about the father. All I remember is Papa Joe discussing Jessica's virginity and how she gave her husband--then, Nick Lachey--her precious gift and I thought, ew.

Bobby Brown bust for DUI again. It's his prerogative.

And I Love YOU, Honeypants!

Didn't O kick butt last night? He needed to and the bayonet comment slayed--though of course, now the bayonet association is pissed. Romney just kept repeating what O said and stuttering. I would be a basket case in a debate so I give plenty of kudos to anyone who survives the process. Still, as much as I quibble about our choosing O over Hillary, I feel more secure with Obama as Prez. Though Romney doesn't scare me as much as Bush/Cheney did. Of course, Bob Schieffer is heralded as the best moderator ever, though my fave was Martha Raddatz.

Yesterday's post was a little diet obsessive. Well, fair readers, I was punished for my food absorption and my bad temper. After my snapping about who would get dinner, TG procured a rotisserie chicken, which poisoned us. Since 3am, we have been misery itself. It's the real part of any relationship.

J. Lo had a nip slip during a concert. I did too. Just now. I would tweet it but I'm not a loser. Seriously, you gotta paste those puppies in. No excuse, even if you're dancing. Swimsuit malfunction in the pool, okay. Especially if it falls off as your father-in-law comes over to say Hi. It's not a crime, but it is embarrassing.

Dr. Northrup and the Universe Keeping Me from Cake?

Dr. Christiane Northrup, one of my faves, recommends giving up gluten, sugar and alcohol for hormonal balance so Dish decided to crash diet--without telling anyone. I went one day avoiding the above (except for Altoids) and felt great. Then, when TG took me to a party full of stylish old people, I decided to make an exception and gorge. Because old people love their comforts and booze, the spread was incredible. Old peopleDish is starting to ramble love to talk, and I can't help but get into the stories. As the hours ticked by, I realized my hands were empty. The party was ending. Did I have a chance to eat? Not even a little. No chocolate cake, Godiva, prosciutto roll-ups, creme brulee or chocolate mousse. It's just so f*cked that these 80-year-olds kept me from the food table, like they wanted all the leftovers for themselves.

It's well known that I will mow down colleagues and friends to get to the cake in the communal kitchen. Today, there were cookies and it was as if I'd never heard of Dr. Northrup. Screw no gluten/sugar. Julia Child would scoff at this so I ran down the hall and got one of the last cookies...and then it fell out of my hands and broke into a thousand pieces. Message received.

There's all this talk of October surprises. First Gloria Allred (I'll admit, I love her), then Donald Trump have alluded to a campaign shaker. The Donald Trump one is intriguing. He is a sad, sad person. Does he realize what a loser he is, in the grand scheme of things? Like a cartoon character--no character beyond the slime. It's easy to ignore him. I stop watching his show. So now when he pops up again, I feel like I have a zit.

I love it when poetry backfires for the stars, which is usually all the time, especially in movies. It's like asking Tom Cruise to do Shakespeare. The Brad Pitt Chanel ad is brilliant in its ridiculousness. It has nothing to do with perfume and, somehow, now I want to buy Chanel #5 again. I used to wear it when I was in high school (about 10 years too soon).

Debate time!!!

Super Sunday! Let Us Rejoice!

Not only is this the night of Homeland and Dexter, but also...okay, I can't think of anything else. Note to self: Italy is the new Celebrity Wedding. I caught a picture of Justin Timberlake wearing his wedding ring. Reminded me of my cousins (female) who both sighed at the joyous sight of TG wearing a ring. That made me look and now I sigh when I see it. Okay, I'm a huge girlbut not physically. Are you calling me fat?, who pretends not to dream about being a 1950s housewife. I love doing choresbut don't exactly do them.

Kris Jenner had a nip slip while posing as Wonder Woman. What's wrong with her?  She's 50-something, a sexy woman without having to show us her new ta-tas. 

Sad news: RIP, George McGovern. Dish's first conscious memories were of staring down at Vote for McGovern buttons. Isn't that totally manipulative of my parents? If they hadn't waved these in my face, I could have become a big flaming Reagan Republican--to go along with making meals and vacuuming the floor (or is it the carpet?).

TG and I went out to dinner at a fancy place that celebs go to. I think someone defecated on my meal, it was that bad. Luckily, Dish isn't so picky about her dishes so no hard feelings. Well, TG paid and he's still angsting over paying so much for sh*t.

TV is just no good anymore

I'm canceling Scandal from my DVR schedule. I hate the characters. All Kerry Washington does is yell orders into a phone. The script is too Sorkin-esque. It has to die. This sh*t is why people watch reality TV. Homeland and Cupcake Wars all the way.

Was so blue and stressed yesterday I bought my 4th ticket to see Jersey Boys. Dish has to check out the new cast. Jarrod Spector is such an awesome Frankie. As I blasted the soundtrack, it became evident that I experienced The Four Seasons in another life or they've become my new Duran Duran while the band is on hiatus. What's the truth? I need Shirley MacLaine and John Edward, STAT!!! 

TG yelled at me for hovering while he got ready for work. I'm passive aggressively soaking my rings in salt water. And then I'm ironing a messy double-crease on his pants!!!

My Eyes Can't Bear to Look at Words

But I will say this:

Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel got hitched in It'lyI give it two years.
TG is cryinglosing his marbles over Madagascar 3. I'm not so enthralled but I love the lemur and the bear.
This made me smile and I signed. The stars are talking just to me. We are like a cozy family.

And now I must crawl back into the cave.  A windfall would be nice right about now. Despite obstacles, I know I'm a lucky girl in general.

Looking Toward the Light

Can't even post a picture, time is of the essence. It's one of those periods where I'm so busy, I'M NOT EVEN CHECKING TMZ as much as usual. I have no idea what TG is up to or what he's saying, which makes me feel bad. Sorry, honey. It's nose-grind time for another few weeks. I did take time out to talk to an impressive woman in her 20s recently. Do you remeber what it was like to listen to someone older go on and on and on, then you think, maybe this person's insane and unraveling. Yah, the older person was me today. Bonkers. I felt bad for the girl who eye-twitched over my nonsensical chatter.

Gossips: Britney's former manager alleges she lost her marbles over meth and that's why she shaved her head. Does it matter anymore?

John Taylor over-caked but enjoyable in an interview. I cannot wait to read his book! Gotta climb out of the dark hole, be a better wife, and finish Gone Girl first.

Oh yeah...

...and you put your school papers in binders, not women, ShittMitt.

But I get that gaffes are made. Still, a telling gaffe.

Star Sighting--Kyle MacLachlan!!!

9:56am, 87th and Amsterdam: Dishbrother spotted this Twin Peaks/Desperate Housewife god smiling and carrying a script. DB said Kyle looked AMAZING. Dish believes it after a sighting at Le Singe Vert where he did seem to glow with heavenly light. His Adonis-ness was hidden by Marc Cherry who sat on it, put it in a wheelchair and grayed its hair.

It's official that Jef(f) and Emily from The Bachelorette are not lost in love. Jef is spending his post-breakup time with Arie Luyenigiveup. This would hint at the possibility that Emily ain't no cakewalk as a fiancee. Though if I were that pretty and young, I might be trying to get on every show I could. I should do that now.

The Debate: Obama kicked ass. Media is reluctant to say decisively who won. Candy Crowley skewered for biased moderating. Please. No one went after Tim Russert for his anti-Hillary, pro-Obama moderating.

Beyonce announced as halftime show for the Superbowl. Zzzzzz. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler will host the Golden Globes. Sorry, but Ricky Gervais is the best. I love both women. Would rather Ricky! He knows how to keep it un-PC.

Lance Armstrong is on a downward spiral. Nothing is worse than the cancer he survived. Perspective is everything.

Nike hasn't dropped me as a sponsor. I'm in a special hell--one that would keep me from John Taylor's book signing, which I wish I could have attended--but nothing I can't handle. Worse is a gun at your back, threat of death, decades of nightmares and despair. Bad TV and Jersey Boys soundtrack keep a girl going.

I may not have made it to John Taylor's signing today...

...but this nugget arrived just in time to prevent my nervous breakdown. Maybe I'll meet Duran Duran in the next life. My love is eternal.

All I need is now.

A Haunting and Burgers...

Dish had a very difficult day. I can't afford to dwell on the following:

Hulk Hogan's sex tape and do I risk bleeding from the eyes by watching it or not.

Can I trick TG into watching The Real Housewives of New York City Reunion 2?

J. Lo had a nip slip. So did I just now.

Neal Schon and Michaele Salahi are engaged. Love is forever.

Worried that Mitt Romney will win, though TG says nothing will change. The only scary part is the supreme court aspect.

TG Star Sighting--Ty Burrell!!!

12:45pm, 19th street in Chelsea area. We got week passes to Equinox. Dish is terrified to go outside her NYSC domain, though loves the idea of a delicious on-site smoothie after long run. I've heard Equinox is awesome but don't want to spend an extra 100$ more on exercise. So, TG gleefully took the pass and went over to the one on 10th Avenue. On his route, I get a phone call from TG, obviously shaken but in a good way.

"I think I saw the guy from Modern Family. The one with the two daughters and dorky son," he says.

"Ty Burrell!"

"He looked young. He nodded at me."

Dish furiously searches IMDB for age specifics. He's around my age. "How young did he look? Around 45?"

"Yeah. Maybe. It probably was him. You have to be rich to live in one of these townhouses."

"So, he smiled at you?"

"No, he just nodded. Maybe it wasn't him. I think it was, though. He probably didn't want to encourage me by smiling."

"We'll look at a picture when you get home so you can confirm the sighting."

Isn't that an exciting conversation? But maybe it wasn't even Ty Burrell. This is such a Ty Burrell thing to say, isn't it? Tee hee.

Today's big news is that Russell Crowe and his wife Danielle split after nine years. Do you remember where you were when news broke of his fling with Meg Ryan? Then he returned to his ex-girlfriend and married her. Then he threw a phone.

What am I saying? The biggest news today is THE FREAKING SPACE JUMP! Hurray for Felix Baumgartner, who shows us that doing something interesting is way cooler than sitting around and getting filmed eating burritos and starting bitchy fights with competitive friends/siblings.

Dish Is Losing Sleep from All the Drama!!!

Oh God, The Bachelor franchise is beyond bananas right now. Just when I think the waters are calm, evil Courtney and rejected Arie were caught canoodling in Phoenix together! Worlds are colliding. This coupling is far too physically appropriate to be believed. We know Arie was on the verge of skankitown (which is why we wanted him for Emily!) and Courtney is crazy/evil so they're perfect. I still don't like it! In other news, Jef and Emily are done, which means she's now open to Arie or whomever. Who will be Emily's next fiance???? The Bachelor whose eyes are so close together, the one who married his 2nd choice, well, they're knocked up. There, I'm done!

I read that Sean Penn went to a Madonna concert, which made me so happy. I wish they'd get back together. They are soul mates, then, now and forever.

Rest in peace, Gary Collins. How I remember him fondly from his Love Boat and Fantasy Island days. He was also married to Mary Ann Mobley. I learned from them what Irritable Bowel Syndrome was, which to me back then, sounded just like a lot of sh*tting. Now IBS is like PTSD. Everyone has it and MAM was brave to come forward.

Dish is fighting a stress headache and stomach knot. I'll crawl through this hell somehow by smelling the soothing aroma of lavender along with pharmaceuticals but I won't go all Whitney and screaming into my pillowlistening to Enya.

Not Going to JT's Book Signing?

Say it ain't so, Dish! I fear the idea of long lines and no autograph, the hours of waiting have influenced my decision to absent myself from John Taylor's In the Pleasure Groove book signing on Tuesday 10/16 at B&N. It's excruciatingly appropriate my name is Patience. Plus, I'm metaphorically getting screwed up the ass with twenty dry dildos* in a different life sector. I must stay alert, like Jason Bourne. If I had a VIP pass, I'd be at JT's signing in a nanosecond, but no, 30 years of adoration later, I'm still waiting in lines.

It's time for me to be a diva.

*Sorry, Mom and Aunties.

The Debate

Last night's debate was far more fun than the snoozefest between Mitt and O. For one, Biden's scary chompers made for a delicious Satanic grin. Paul Ryan's faux-hawk cracked me up, too. Hello, man hair of five years ago. I want to root for the dude my age, but PL seems a little off to me. Biden's been around the block five hundred times and I'd trust him and his eye lift and hair plugs way more than most.

Next Tuesday is another debate. It will be a trifecta of excitement: John Taylor book signing/therapy to cope with the JT signing, especially colossal feeling of failure if I don't get in/presidential debate. So much happening at once.

Celebrity news is nauseating so I'll pass. TG and I are scaring the sh*t out of ourselves with A Haunting. It's a new episode. Wonder when I'll sneak in the next episode of Couples Therapy, which is my deepest shame...

A Motherfella of a Friday

Today was a stinker. I walked along West Broadway, gasping for air. Where is the Ativan? Oh right, bottom of purse. Maybe should just have scotch, or both. I had a Sprite for my stress. There was lots of unexpected work, but also one lovely reunion with family and meeting a fun fellowgingieprofessional. 

The good part of the day: Madame X is back. Peace restored. I can go back to my mild FB stalking.

Will I Get John Taylor's Autograph...

...if I stubbornly arrive half an hour before his reading on 10/16 at Barnes & Nobles? I *love* Duran Duran. I love John Taylor. I want to read his book and for me it's a write-off. But I refuse to wait 10 hours for a sh*tty place in line because I'm 44!!! Dish needs her beauty sleep and has been uncomfortable enough in her life. Judging from all the chatter on DD fan boards, I'm pretty well screwed for even getting a place in line for his reading. If only I could have flaunted my work in publishing but I haven't got time for the pain. Help!
 
My health this week hasn't been optimum, possibly because I'm so nervous about tonight's debate. Or I've had two mac and cheese nights in a row and bagels and mashed potatoes. Did I mention the chocolate gorging? Maybe too much self-reward for running 6 miles on Monday...

MacKenzie Phillips was one scary bitch on last night's Criminal Minds. She was my favorite on One Day at a Time--though I love my Valerie Bertinelli (thin or fat), too. Ever since she aired all her dirty laundry, I wondered when Mac-Phil would get back to acting, like in those fun cameo roles. Now here she is! I hope she keeps at it. She's an awesome villain.

Big Bird is so pissed at Mitt Romney! Watch here.



Today's King of Style and Substance: Jack White

A Silly Putty Nose, Extra 50 Pounds -- Sign Me Up for Oscar!!!

Watch Anthony Hopkins as Hitchcock in this new movie. Might be really good or really bad. I can't tell. I don't see Hitchcock, except for the belly in profile. By contrast, Daniel Day totally looks like (b)Abe Lincoln. I saw Daniel Day on the street a few months ago, so I may go see that goopy, sappy movie. Oh heck, I'll see Tony as Alfie too!

Hitchcock gave good twist in Psycho (and you thought you were the only one, M. Night!!!). Who can forget the steam between Jimmy Stewart and Grace Kelly in Rear Window? That one chilled and thrilled me. Get my tickets ready, Fandango!

We all know my stance on Lance. 11 of his former team member have now confirmed the doping charges against him. It's a moot point. I support the cancer survivor in Lance and hope everyone can move on. Maybe I can forgive his telling Dishfriend she has fat legs. No, I can't forgive! Dishfriend is one of the most ripped babes I know.

Here's what the new Jersey Boys looks like! Cannot wait to get some tickets. They are so freaking expensive. I'm not sure I should spend 600$ this year on JB. In the words of Rizzo as she's about to have unprotected sex with Kenickie: Oh, what the hell!

I'm breaking my ban on losers for one confession. I listened to the sleazy recording between La-Lohan and her despicable father--though now he might be sanest of the bunch since he was smart enough to record the conversation and sell to TMZ. Horrifying. I am sorry that this once-talented girl has to be surrounded by such maniacs. Now that she's an adult, it's on her to extract herself.

You can do it, Lindsay. You'll feel so much better not to be around a lunatic (that goes double if it's a parent). I know I do...

Matthew McConaughey's Manorexia Made Me Eat a BBQ Bacon Cheeseburger!

Have you seen the recent photos of Matty-poo? I won't publish them here, because it's like a fashion week runway show. The minute I saw his gaunt physique, I cried a little, then ran for that juicy burger with fries. An hour later I ate three chocolate truffles along with my supplement (vitamins). His hideous skinniness is for a movie role. These extremes can only mean he's going for the gold, i.e. Oscar. Deprettying really impresses the academy, especially when your beauty is proportionate to the amount of ugliness you endure. I'm talking to you, Charlize, Tom Hanks, Gwyneth, Daniel Day and Heath in Heaven. I pray McConaughey will stop this The Machinist regime and get back to being shirtless on the beach. He's not my type (see TG who is hotness to the max) but I live to help others appreciate beauty in this world.

I have so much anxiety. I'm worried about the election. TG and I forget to watch Vegas each week, which means Michael Chiklis doesn't know how much we love him. Our ulcers rip open with each episode of Cupcake Wars and Florian's vicious criticism of artificial flavors. Yeah, how does red velvet get that way naturally, Flore? Do we have to bleed for you?

I'm such a mess, I started watching The Next Best Thing -- bad movie comfort food. I learn so much each time I watch it:

I think Madonna saw Rupert Everett as so awesome with Julia in My Best Friend's Wedding that she had to steal him AND the real-life boyfriend Benjamin Bratt. Girls are so competitive!

Michael Vartan is like stone. Sort of like in every movie but sometimes that works, like when Dish watched Never Been Kissed 500 million times. No wait, that was someone else.

With his posh accent, Rupert hauls dirt in LA somewhere. I'm not quite sure what Rupert does, but I don't buy it. He's not a manual labor guy (Nothing wrong with it, I like it). Tax attorney, pundit, academic, museum curator, maybe.

I never knew this but it's so logical and happens all the time: the 100% gay best friend gets drunk and can't help but sleep with his female friend. Then again, if it's Madonna, I might close my eyes and hope for the best...

Girls never ever keep track of their periods, especially Madonna. She eats like a pig suddenly and then consults her calendar, going back months. Sorry, I call BS.

Yoga is the only way to get a banging bod.

I love how Madonna tries to play a more passive female. Her character is quite likeable, someone I'd totally hang with. I almost kinda believe it, too, if it weren't for THE ACCENT.

But you have to love someone who does whatever the hell she wants. I need a cookie.

Lady Gag Yakks This Way

WTF is wrong with these performers? Yesterday, Lady GaGa puked several times on stage during a concert. This is not cool. If you're sick, get off the f*cking stage. It's okay if you suddenly sh*t your pants on stage because we likely won't see it and be scarred by the image. Plus, an emergency fecal evacuation can occur without warning especially if you eat kale, which is Drano disguised as a cute plant. It would be refreshing to see, say, Bono sh*t on stage, don't you think? I guess I'm just puke-intolerant. I will never pay money to see Lady Gag or Justin Barfer. I don't buy the flu and mixing spaghetti/milk excuse BS either. These days, though, everything's okay, right? Not holding the door open for people, puking on stage, loud cell talking in quiet area, it's all good.

What cooled my quiet WASP rage was catching up on 666 Park Avenue. Dish loves to curl up with a good story about the devil. Who better to play Lucipoo but the creepy cueball from Lost. I forget his name. Dishfriendsincediapers gave me advance warning that on last night's episode her friendsincecollege actor Michael Lewis--and fellow redhead--would get murdered on the show. Dish has met Michael twice, so of course, he's my dear celebrity friend. He was fantastic as the greasy exterminator. But why would Cueball kill him since we know redheads already have no soul? Wouldn't he be a perfect minion for Satan? Plus, ML is one of the few on the show who really acted and commanded the screen without all the bells and whistles. Puzzling indeed.

The Dev is totally working overtime by splitting up Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman who have been a couple fixture for decades and decades. Who's next, Tom and Rita? No, I shouldn't have said that. Please no. I couldn't take that.

So, in the mystery of Madame X's disappearance, well, it's now a cold case. I've let it go.

I Snorted the Ravages of Time and Still Came Out in the Top 1% of Gorgeous

I'm sad that Jennie Garth is publicizing her miraculous 30-pound weight loss on the cover of People. She looked great with a little divorce cushion. Now she's just another skinny minnie. What's wrong with these women? I flipped through the mag, hoping for literary aloe for my fragile psyche. No, wait that Lark Saved by the Bell chick has Bipolar (who doesn't) and her remarkable journey. Flip a little more, ah, eureka, p. 95 reveals an exquisite human in the form of John Taylor, my first Duran-love, and his new life/love/book, which Dish pre-ordered the second it was announced. Can't wait to read it. Can't wait for his NYC signing. I hope I actually get in. Did he get Botox?

Dish took a day hiatus to be domestic. I'm ironing TG's shirts and running errands, folding laundry and whipping up exotic dinners for my man. Ha! Well, I am ironing shirts, which I love to do. Last night we attended a wedding reception. I felt right at home with the table of cupcakes. TG found two potential long-lost relatives and one new lifelong friend. I love that I married a socially adept person. I'm the girl who hovers on the periphery and waits for someone to approach. TG catches people's eyes and starts up conversations, works the room as if he lives there. He's so poopular!


This weekend's obsessions:

Just started reading the It-book of the year (aside from that other one) Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn. Nicely done so far. And then I ventured into the documentary 51 Birch Street, by filmmaker Doug Block, about his parents' marriage. My goodness. I was expecting a sappy family montage but he delves into his parents' fifty-year marriage and its shocking secrets. I was moved to tears by the end. All families have their secrets. I'm the type who wants to know all of them--I don't care how bad.

Congratulations to Audra McDonald and Will Swenson on their marriage. I just IMDB-ed them and discovered both these f*ckers are younger than I am!!! Oh the inhumanity!!!

We Were on The Today Show...

...for a split second yesterday. Our appearance is so minimal that I haven't even watched. You know I can't get enough of seeing myself on TV. Well, I'm also a mite angry at Matt for his extreme douchiness so avoid The Today Show. The segment was on Facebook, which is responsible for my marriage (Skype and our high school helped). By the way, Robin Roberts is doing well after bone marrow transplant. Go GMA Team!

Lots of sensational news. By sensational, I mean over the top. Ben and Courtney from The Bachelor broke up! He's semi-hideous and she is crazy.* How long could it last? I'm only await the announcement that Jef and Emily are also splitsville. Let's not pretend that these reality shows create real couples. It is simply a way for one person to have sex/get drunk/make out with as many people as possible.

If things couldn't get more sick, the rumor mill alleges Chris Brown and Rihanna are "friends" again, which is code for banging. I don't see how this could end in a good way. Maybe when we stop caring about them, they'll go on Couples Therapy, which is a super-lame, trainwreck of a show, not at all devoted to therapy but peacocking for the cameras and starting fights. I COULD DO THAT! Hello, TG and I are masters of antics. I even have a purple wig.

Adele's song for the new James Bond Skyfall is out. I sort of like it. Very classic and Bondesque, like older Bond songs. Of course my fave is Duran Duran's View to a Kill, The Living Daylights by A-Ha, then Another Way to Die with Gods Jack White and Alicia Keys.

Speaking of Bond, my favorite JB of all time will be hosting SNL this weekend. I hope he's hilarious.

*just as they appear on the show, which I'm sure is not real life.

And Then They Accidentally Kissed...

I feel like I'm living on a different planet. I watched debate last night and I don't get why everyone says it was a failure for Obama. He was sedate, answered questions intelligently, and had a few zingers. Romney came off as an overzealous student who knows all the answers (though didn't use primary sources in his paper). Obama had the disadvantage of the favorite to win. He has the gift of gab and he doesn't usually gaffe, whereas Romney spews all kinds of crap. Mitt did show himself as aggressive, which I guess is Presidential. Plus, there was the altitude, which terd-nugget Gore said could account for BO's "sluggishness." I didn't see what was wrong! Now the tide is turning away from BO. Can he get it back?

Another reason why I love Anderson Cooper. I don't know why, he's like family. He would fit so perfectly at my relatives' holiday dinner table. We could have turkey, talk about politics and the interesting people he's met. Someone would make him giggle (probably Dishbrother because he's really funny and so is TG--and AC met the latter), which would be so awesome. A girl can dream, right?

Hulk Hogan has a sex tape. I'm sorry if you threw up reading this. It's worth it if it can make Hulk famous again.

Because I can't vote for Hillary...

Along with these celebrity women, I will shamelessly endorse Obama especially since Gloria Steinem and Jane Lynch are for him and I'll do anything for those bitches. Are you ready for the debates? I'm so excited I couldn't sleep these last three days. Just call me CNN's whore. I might wander over to FOX so that I can be balanced.

Leave it to the media to pit two women against each other, though it seems to be real fighting. Nicki and Mariah are practically bar-brawling on American Idol. Do I hear the sound of shrinking testicles? As much as Mariah is a diva, Nicki is just being trashy and immature. She's new to the business. If I were her, I'd let Mariah be in the spotlight, otherwise, Nicki's going to make enemies and everyone will hate her. If you don't have love, you're left with talent and she doesn't seem to have much of that. Mariah, at least, has a great voice--though her vibrato is irritating. Oh well, Dish is only interested in catching glimpses of Nicole Kidman in the audience Keith Urban's serene countenance.

TG made a delicious Coq au Vin yesterday. What did I do to deserve this angel?

Tommy Lee is 50. He's an adorable metal dork. Remember his going-back-to-school reality show? Loved it!

Les Garcons Are Studying Pour Les Debates!!!

Bonsoir, les chers readers. Je suis Jacques, le ghost-cat de Dish-Patience. Oui, j'am French. J'adore les bras et les toilettes eau. J'appear now to reporter sur les candidates de presidents, L'Obame et Le Romnee, qui now font le cramming pour leurs GRAND EXAMEN de debates tomorrow soir. Je predicte un slam donkey pour Obame, qui excelle avec le emotional speech et le quick come-back. Romnee a le salt et pepper hairs, plus de pepper, mais pas much else. Je sense qu'il est probablement un nice personne, mais comme president, il est comme le oatmeal, qui change le consistement dependamment on le heat. Est-ce que Romnee va avoir le Snooki fake tan demain soir? Je vais exploder avec excitement, tho je suis dead, alors je ne peux pas die-er again.

Mais le best homme win!!!

Wowzers, How about that Homeland and Dexter!?

Dexter is so majorly f*cked now that Deb caught him killing Tom Hanks's son! That's the problem when you kill someone on an altar in a church. It's so cliche! The pieces are breaking apart. Can Dex handle it? Of course, he can. He loves the challenge and there's the hope that he won't have to film with his ex-wife anymore if she gets killed off! Dish's comments on thinness: The actor who plays Joey Quinn looks extremely ill, like manorexia or coke/meth/heroin' thin. He's been wasting away in the last three seasons. Either that or it's the stress of being on two hit shows. Jennifer Carpenter is a little less gaunt, though overindulging on the pancake. It's like Ally McBeal all over.

I subjected TG to Homeland. I knew he'd like it because he has a thing for Mandy Patinkin. You should hear the squealing and whooping when he catches the barest glimpse of Man-Pat. TG tried to pretend he was reading his iPad but, really, his soft green eyes were avidly watching Mr. Grizzle deliver his lines so mellifluously.

So yeah, Ahnold is a lying douche, Adele is singing James Bond (perfect), Drew had a girl named Olive, and Seth MacFarlane will host the Oscars. The Academy Awards are where good comedians go to die.

I've decided that I will no longer utter the names Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton on this blog. Until they do something interesting.

Madame X is still on the lam.