Friday, September 29, 2006

Keanu's Korner...a Haiku

Hey there, crazy girl
Got a doobie in my car,
Jello down my pants

Anna's Month from Hell

Our favorite train wreck has gone through a lot from her daughter's birth, her son's death and now a commitment ceremony with her lawyer. Death makes people act quickly and given ANS's circumstances, I'm sure I would have downed several bottles of sleeping pills over the course of thirty days.

When I was in my late teens, early twenties, Anna Nicole Smith was modeling for Guess. Wearing thick Marilyn Monroe eyeliner, she was a fleshier and seedier replacement for Claudia Schiffer. I liked the change since Claudia had saturated the universe and I was tired of those perfect elvin features. Then came the soap opera of Anna Nicole's marriage to the old coot, the court battles, her reality stint and that scary appearance on the award show where she kept pointing to her breasts. She seems to be on that special downward spiral so many others have chosen -- Whitney, Lindsay, Tara Reid. All before the age of 40.

I wish for her a long trip to the middle of nowhere. Who cares who the father of her daughter is. Or that her "partner" might be controlling her. Her life has been a roller coaster for decades, add to that the likelihood of drug abuse (She had to have been on something during the award show!), a new baby and the death of probably the only sane person in her life. Very, very sad.

Makes a person appreciate her own slow pace, a cat who draws blood nightly and lack of time to get a decent manicure.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Star Sighting

On Sunday (9/24), I was waiting for my mother on the corner of 18th and 8th Avenue and saw Jesus of Montreal star Lothaire Bluteau riding his bicycle (without a helmet). I wanted to tell him how much I disliked that movie--maybe because it made me think too much--but thought he was a compelling actor. He's about fifty but looks to be about twelve. I liked his appearance on Law & Order: SVU last year.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Last Night's Star Sighting

A luminous and smiling Veanne Cox in a Hell's Kitchen pub. She's the one who says to Julia Roberts in Erin Brockovich, "I think we got off on the wrong foot here." To which Julia replies, "That's all you've got, lady." Also, she's the author who betrays Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail by doing a reading at Tom Hanks's competing bookstore.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

More Kidnapping, Please

Fox should be ashamed of itself, NBC too. There are now three shows about kidnapping, Vanished and Standoff on Fox, then Kidnapped on NBC. I'm hoping next season, multiple shows about TV-behind-the-scenes appear. Oh wait, that's already happened. I also want more reality shows with models, dancing celebrities and people making fart-noises with their armpits.

Vanished sustains itself with Da Vinci Code-esque cliffhangers every five minutes, not to mention the cast is so gorgeous, it's like looking at the sun. Standoff, not so gorgeous though it brags a Moonlighting chemistry between Ron Livingston and Rosemarie DeWitt, who couldn't be more average. Kidnapped, with the meatier talent of Dana Delaney, Timothy Hutton and Jeremy Sisto, premieres tonight at 10pm on NBC. ABC and CBS will follow suit, I'm sure. Then again, they already have Desperate Housewives and Katie Couric.

With so many kidnappings in the headlines, I can understand producers and writers decided this would be an excellent topic to grip American audiences--and it's so real. And yet, to a television-addicted viewer, the shows seem gimmicky and hollow. The misfortune of Vanished is: You can't polish shit. The pretty cast--and talent of Ming-Na, Essai Morales and Gale Harold--can't overcome a predictable script. Standoff has the problem of too little star power for what we've already seen enough to start a separate L&O franchise.

If this entertaining kidnapping happened on Mars, I might be more inclined to watch. Why do we need so much reality anyway? Kidnapping is just not fun.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Prime Time Haiku

A show called "Vanished"
Help me, my wife was stolen
Behold our hotness

Studio 60

I could hear the quips, fast dialogue even before I turned on my television. I knew there'd be a fleet of witty actors, at least one strong female character, who might even run everything. Lots of walking, repetition, speechifying. The biggest draw was Matthew Perry whose comedic timing often makes soft drinks come out of my nose. In fact, the cast of Studio 60 is impressive, beginning with Judd Hirsch whose Network-esque I'm-sick-and-tired-and-I'm-not-going-to-take-it-anymore speech made for an effective inciting incident. Gee, is Aaron Sorkin trying to tell us something about television? We should care, dammit, the way we do about our country. And being creative makes genius writers take drugs--Vicadin and cocaine. Not just one drug, two. I understand there have to be allusions to Chris Farley and John Belushi. Perhaps, someone can shoot a dog next.

Unlike The West Wing, the stakes of this show aren't high enough. I don't care about these wealthy, smart people striving to make a television show work--the way I did about the wealthy, smart people running a country. We've seen the ebbs and flows of comedic talent on Saturday Night Live, but are we on the edge of our seats to see if Tina Fey has a job tomorrow? Oh wait, she's doing a show about this same topic.

Of course, I will keep watching Studio 60, if only to see Matthew Perry slip into Chandler Bing-isms ("Rock, hard"). Then there's the morbid curiosity of whether Steven Weber will sleep with the Amanda Peet character; maybe the Christian ex-girlfriend [not sure I buy this] will convert to Voodooism and stab dolls. Also, I'm waiting for the characters to be funny since they're part of a sketch comedy show. My greatest hope of all is for Sorkin to remove the earnestness of these characters and boost the sleaze factor. I would be completely on board then.
ps. Very happy the cast of Thirty-Something is working this fall, except I don't see Ken Olin but he's so good as the evil-doer on Lifetime (television for women) movies.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Last Night's Celebrity Sighting

As I was entering, David Foley was exiting The Half-King in Chelsea. I whispered frantically to my friend that this was David Foley of News Radio and Celebrity Poker. Friend ran in search of the celebrity, but Foley had vanished into thin air. If I had had more time, I would have asked David if he found Alicia Silverstone's character in Blast from the Past as unlikeable as I did [though loved her in Clueless]. And did he resent playing the stereotypical gay best friend?

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

In the words of Boy George, "It's a miracle."

Whitney Houston files for divorce from Bobby Brown.... When asked how she feels, Houston answered, "I get so emotional, but I will always love him. Right now, I wanna dance with somebody because I've finally realized that learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all. "

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Good Serious Testosterone Movies

We don't need mindless robot vs. man movies, Mel Gibson playing a crazy cop or Bruce Willis's brave speeches about the end of the world. A new age of good serious testosterone movies is upon us. Michael Mann's movie version of Miami Vice came out to decent reviews. How could you miss Colin Farrell's ponytail or another brilliant performance by Jamie Foxx? I would go see it except I'm still traumatized by Colin Farrell's sex video. The only lesson I learned was that celebrity sex is nothing special and once I'm done with my therapy, I'll go check out Miami Vice. Celebrity scandal has forced me to destroy much of my action movie collection--Lethal Weapons, most of Steven Seagal flicks (kept Fire Down Below, as it is too funny), Russell Crowe post-telephone throwing incident.

Previews for The Departed, out October 6th look exciting. The Daily Damon, no doubt, will provide more information, but I haven't been this excited about a testosterone movie since Heat. The Departed seems serious, where cool actors yell intelligent things at each other, guns go off, haunting music swells, the makers aren't pushing a right-wing political agenda and, most important, there has to be some homoerotic sparring between Matt Damon and Leonardo DiCaprio. Add Jack Nicholson, who will most likely play the role of mentor and/or greasy thief, and I'm ready to pay the outrageous price of a movie ticket. And then, I'll go see Hillary Duff's new movie.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Julia Jingle

Julia, come back
Don't be mommy anymore
Romance comedy!

I'm just a girl, stand-
ing in front of a boy, ask-
ing him to love her!

Smile brightens our day
Big teeth, everyone likes you
Except for Clive Barnes

But he's not so rich
And you at least tried Broadway
No serious roles

Sick of Notting Hill
Love is dying without you
Reruns killing me

2007 Academy Awards

Ellen Degeneres will host the Oscars in 2007, but will she be successful? Her Emmy hosting a couple years ago was underwhelming. And the shark-jumping stunt--the bird on her shoulder as she showed us behind the scenes at the award show. Now she's facing an even tougher crowd, one that believes Billy Crystal is the only possible host for the event. Perhaps, Ellen's cheerful, accepting, less controversial, less political persona will go over better, not that there was anything wrong with Jon Stewart. I still cringe at the silences after his perfectly decent jokes.

The problem with the Oscars is the audience and the voters. Everything has its place, Best Movie must suck yet be socially responsible (short film winners--holocaust or children related) and all Best Actress winners have to be gorgeous and young (Reese, Halle, Charlize, Gwyneth, Julia). No uggos, gay cowboys, crack-smoking teachers, no jokes about mediocre actors, but sexual innuendo--man to woman--is okay (Thank you, George Clooney, for referring to Julia's breasts in your acceptance speech, but that might have been at the Golden Globes--am waiting for a starlet to comment on some action hero's small man berries).

Ellen is one of my heroes, and I have no problem supporting her for Oscar Night. Her talk show is entertaining, her attitude always positive. She doesn't need to swear to be funny and I pray her enthusiasm will enliven a deadly dull but beautiful audience. Those of us watching television--well, at least, I--will be cheering her on. At the same time, my fantasy host is Steven Colbert....

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Keanu's Corner: A Haiku

Stumped by the question
Just words, not my essence, yo
Bran muffin working

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Fall 2006: Shiny and New

Behold, this fall season offers shiny and new events. Britney's birthing; Rosie back on television, Suri unveiled--with a toupee; Jessica Simpson's stunning new relationship and immediate breakup (I've seen John Mayer in person and I'm sure I could kick his ass), Ellen's new DJ, and a giggle-less Katie Couric on CBS. Is this an omen for a bright season?

Granted, I'm unhappy The Closer had its season finale already, not to mention the flurry of shows about people vanishing makes me bleed from the eyes. And yet, this morning, afternoon and evening of television watching made me happy. Though an interrupter, Rosie was a fun hostess on The View. I had a few years of non-love for her when she just seemed like an angry victim, who had the misfortune of raising a family and coming out in the public eye. That would annoy me, too. But her humor and sass and the lack of four women speaking at once made me less inclined to hurl peanut butter at my TV set.

Then there's baby Suri. Very cute and looks like her parents. I won't even make a snide comment about the factory choosing just the right shade of alabaster, jet black and cobalt blue. Interesting--and maybe not surprising--how the pics surface so soon after Paramount drops Cruise. And Cruise apologizes to Brooke Shields.

Ellen's new DJ--totally forgot his name and am too lazy to look it up, but he played the pot-head son in Meet the Parents. He knew exactly when Ellen wanted to dance and pushed the button--played the right song for me, too, since I got off my couch and spun around a few times. I like him so far but miss the old DJ because he laughed at everything Ellen said and who doesn't love that?

As for Katie Couric, I support the idea of her being on the CBS evening news [and that she wore white after Labor Day since I also did this], but she can't be funny. No more American Idol audition in front of Simon Cowell, mocking her hair, fun trips on an F-14 or her giggle.

Other new things: Kevin Federline's rap album, Matthew Perry's new show, Marsha Cross is preggers, big elections and I bought a new sensible white bra. We're officially ready.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Cruise and Shields No Longer at War

So, like, Tom went over to Brooke's house and they like totally reconnected. He was like: I'm so sorry? I shouldn't have said those things, but drugs are, like, still so not cool. And she was like: It's okay, Tom, it's like a free country? And it's, like, your choice what drugs you take? But for your information, I'm only taking my one-a-day and the occasional Advil for wicked crampage. And he was like: That is so rocking, so can we call our publicists to announce this so women won't think I'm a total suck-butt? And she was like: you so do not suck, Tom, in fact, you are so real--and aging freakishly well. This was sooooo important for us to do, Tom. Totally, Brooke.

And then they totally got into watching Spongebob and giving each other mani's and pedi's.