Sunday, September 29, 2013

Breaking Bad or Homeland? That Is the Question.

When Dish has a TV conundrum such as this, there is no choosing. Watch nothing! I haven't watched last week's BB. TG can't stand Homeland (even though he hasn't seen it, even though he loves Mandy Patinkin more than life itself), so we do work. But I cannot wait to watch both! Has Homeland jumped the terrorist shark? Will Walter White go to the white light?

In other news, SNL still stinks. And Jimmy Kimmel and Kanye are in a feud. At first, the tide seemed to go in JK's favor, but there's backlash to this tide. Like, why does Kanye get picked on all the time for being nuts? I won't say it because he's rude and nuts. I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling that this is beyond frivolous, as in why even bother aside from the comedy of it all...

I will learn from this since I'm sure I'll face negativity over my "art" in the next few months. I kind of don't want to hear it unless tactfully presented by, say, Katie Couric. Please, my fragile ego is only filtering in the BS right now. In secret, I am training like Jackie Chan, punching boards, sliding across roofs, hoarding yarn and puzzles while summoning some charm. If Kanye could dole out a little charm, I'd root for him in heartbeat.

Ps--reason for absence, following the rumor mill that Julia might be a b*tch in real life. There's not enough Xanax to cope with this possibility, as she is perfect.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Grey's Anatomy: Where Personal Drama Is Way More Important Than Medicine!

Dish loves Grey's Anatomy! The doctors can't operate because they're having sex in the on call room or angsting over failed romance. I love every second of it, especially the repetitive dialogue, how McDreamy's hair changes in one day (it's a little shorter, by some miracle). Two doctors go down because they're too stupid to realize water and live wires fry the crap out of you. Thank heavens for bad oh-so good TV!

The Big Bang Theory's Kaley Cuoco is engaged! After boinking Superman Henry Cavill, of course she's going to rebound hard. But this one might be the one she was meant to marry. You can't really depend on superheroes--they either fly away or decide not to come back for the sequel (though I think Ben Affleck will be a great Batman!).

Sons of Anarchy needs a shot in its tattooed arm. My suggestion: shorten it to 42 tight minutes, less reaction shots to every single damn thing, more Peggy Segal and Jimmy Smits indulging in geezer sex. That was mean--I am also a geezer, officially.

I keep thinking how much I love Sandra Bullock, but I can't bear to see her new movie Gravity. Do I want to hear Sandy whining, wailing, bawling while she's floating in space? I don't get it. Maybe if she and George Clooney get it on in their space craft, I might go.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Pretty Woman and Law & Order Break Up!

Richard Gere and Carey Lowell are over, another sign of the apocalypse. I am speechless about this travesty so I must refer to genius blogger Michael K of Dlisted. His narrative is far more enlightened.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

The Emmys on Sunday Night...

...were lame. Right, JJ? I mean, a little embarrassing in how soporific. Stupid jokes. I love my NPH, but maybe someone else needed to do it after his Tony extravaganza. Worse is that I remember nothing about the night, except for Jane Lynch!!! That's not entirely true--the tributes were very moving. I also remember Sarah Silverman's solid gold performance. I can't even go into the Elton John song. Award shows are very difficult. Maybe they've always been bad...

Dexter finale: completely predictable. Still scary and the "right" ending for the show. TG jumped at one moment, came up off his exercise mat. I feel so proud that I reintroduced him to obsessive TV watching. His Ph.D is melting into a haze of Breaking Bad, The Voice, Cupcake Wars and Snapped.

For those who were terrified by Tierra on last season of The Bachelor: Her engagement is off.

Sunday, September 22, 2013


Though completely screwed by nasty deadlines, I'm trying to watch the Emmys. Totally felt for Merritt Wever (love her) of Nurse Jackie, who seemed too nervous to give an Emmy speech. Dish had that happen though memorized the speech so thoroughly it rolled from my mouth when up on stage.

Things I learned this weekend: Passionflower tea sucks! Thanks, Dr. Oz. This is what I get for watching his show and taking all his holistic tips SERIOUSLY. I tried the freaking dark cherry juice, the chia seeds, the yogurt every day.No more self-improvement for me. I'm 45 and there's no cure unless you put me on an island and take all my choices away. Citrus tea will never stop tasting like pee.

I blame the tea but my mind has had an endless loop of Billy Ray Cyrus on Piers Morgan saying that his daughter Miley created something "really special" at that infamous award show, like she built a house for the homeless or swam across the English channel. It was so sick, I couldn't stop thinking about it. How special is it to redo what Madonna essentially did--and others before her (I forget everything before Madonna)?

Shocking: Gretchen and Alexis allegedly fired from RHoOC. Alexis, I can understand because she seemed so normal and likable this season. As for Gretchen, I think everyone turned on her, especially with the singing, bickering, and the tired romance with Slade.

And now, back to the grind.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Jen's Uterus--An Update

Allegedly Jennifer Aniston is not pregnant but this could be covering up for her pregnancy. Dishmama would call this policing genitalia. It's true, we spend our time watching her belly for signs of fetus. At this point, we'll be relieved if she births even a paramecium from her shriveled internal repro-parts (I'm 12 mo. ahead of you, Jen). God forbid she go her whole life without breeding a perfect, shiny blond with gigantic blue eyes and perfect comedic timing. Seriously--these rumors have plagued her for over 10 years. Why aren't we bothering James Franco? Why isn't he reproducing? Bradley Cooper and George Clooney need to pop out some kids, too (preferably together and we can see pics).

Dishbrothersidekick informed me that a celestial event will occur: the return of Catherine Bell as The Good Witch. DBSK writes:

Mark your calendar for Sat, Oct 26!!! Hallmark is having a Good Witch marathon starting at 11am covering all 5 movies and premiering the 6th installment, The Good Witch's Destiny (at 11pm)!!!!!
And I just read they started shooting number 7 already, The Good Witch's Wonder! (which will air next year). 

Here are the links:

Can you feel our enthusiasm? I can't get enough of that Catherine.

Speaking of too good to be true, Dish went to Jersey Boys for the twelfth time. Wedged between enormous and loud people, I felt very uncomfortable. And just when I started to think God doesn't exist, I heard the voice of Dominic Scaglione, Jr. and I know the divine exists in his vocal cords. He is a fabulous Frankie and I never get nervous about his missing a note (that doesn't always happen). His voice is always strong. Okay, Dish just loves all the Frankies and everything related to JB.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Where Am I Going Tonight?

Can you guess?  Here's a hint: Who Loves You.

New Aniston pregnancy rumors...

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Shocking Photos, Bold Lies

I love Carrie but this poster will give me nightmares, especially those glowing eyes. It's just so intestinally wrong, like a horror flick, The Scream of (Death) Music. Must watch, though, don't you think?

Zac Efron allegedly spent time in rehab for a coke habit. I don't get the big deal with coke. I mean, it made me sneeze. But to pretend I was practically addicted when I tried it, I exaggerated its effects to my friends: I did it once and I instantly wanted more. My name is Dish and I'm a pretend-aholic. Stay off the crap, Zac--you were in one of my favorite dance scenes ever!

Brandi and Lisa VanderP not getting along? How did these two bosom buddies split? Luckily, RHoBH coincidentally begins soon.

Lastly, this is what happens when everyone is more famous than you are. The momager bikini shot. But why didn't Kris go further south?
That would have been brave. I will if you will!

Monday, September 16, 2013

OMG Miley and Liam Are Over!

This shocked me to the core--because I always bank money on engagements made in one's teens. Now Miley can finally unleash her skanky self and potentially upstage another sectarian massacre! As with Felicity, everything went downhill when she cut her hair.

My apologies for yesterday's comments about Justin Theroux. I keep forgetting that he's the genius behind Tropic Thunder and many other movies. His skinny pants really bother me, and I want to see Jen in a poofy white dress already.

Today Dish met two celebrities. I'll admit here that there was a split second when I contemplated saving their water bottles as a psycho souvenir, but then I came back to myself. Also, I didn't have room in my bag.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

I'm So Over Jennifer Being Engaged

...along with her betrothed's skinny pants. I made a rule decades ago that I'd never date someone tinier than me--because I'd done it and it was like caring for a little doll. I broke my own rule several times because there are some hot short/skinnies out there. But every time, it was akin to petting a newborn kitty--or maybe I just felt too bumbling and mannish. This is so mean of me! And horrible but true. Justin is very clever, so I'm saving face sure they'll be happy forever.

Here's what TG and I are pissing ourselves over. And, speaking of Jen, this!

Breaking Bad tonight. I'm getting sick of the franchise, which I shouldn't admit because I'd be wrong.

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Dishbrothersidekick Just Blew My Mind

Forgive my absence. My problem this week was living too much in the celebrity present. Tonight, Dishbrothersidekick pulled me from the edge of Lamar-Khloe-Dina-Lohan-DUI-Lindsay-side-boob-reveal hell. Stars are so completely boring these days with:

1. blissful union
2. reality show
3. boredom
3. despair/drunkenness
4. rehab
5. exit from rehab
6. desperate bid for more fame
7. back to rehab
8. reality show ten years later

This depresses me. I'm saved now. Let's live in the past, where celebrities were just as wasted but way more exciting! So, DBSK and I were having a side conversation at dinner about Kylie Minogue and he mentioned how she and Michael Hutchence of INXS were doing it--he says married but I verified three times that they were just consistently banging (in an airplane?). I would have never put those two together--and had NO IDEA that they traded fluids--so I spent two hours on Google, going back in time and reliving salaciousness of the 90s--which always brings me back to Duran Duran (Simon wrote a song for Michael after he died, Michael that is), who are past, present and future in all arenas (if you're a Duranie you get this amazing joke).

Back to the present, all I have to say is: That bitch. Hands off my Julia!

Oh yeah, and Mario Lopez and his lovely wife gave their new son a normal name, Dominic, and for this, I love them. Emily Blunt is preggo.

Monday, September 09, 2013

Syria Issue Creates Many Frowny Faces

So many frownies in one TV frame! I mean, look at these somber boys. Either someone farted or they're talking about potential war in the Middle East. The women weren't much cheerier.

More sadness, RFKjr diaries have been snatched and secrets revealed. He's pissed because those thoughts/feelings were not meant for public reading. Hello, we are your snoopy big sister, which means all bets are off, tool! We read everything and it's the truth because it's uncensored. Sanitized You is not as fun!

Miley Cyrus dumped from Vogue cover. Hurray!

Nadal wins men's single in US Open!

Friday, September 06, 2013

Dish in Stilettos

Tomorrow I'm going to a wedding. Very excited since I haven't been to one in a while and they are mostly fun. But there could be a catastrophe since I'm wearing stilettos for the very first time. I bought a couple pairs, figuring I need to dress like a real girly girl. Here goes. Operation Try Not to Face-Plant. Will keep you updated.

It's been a few years since we've seen Jack Nicholson and he allegedly is retiring because of memory loss. I wasn't really looking for him in a movie since Anger Management dulled my exultation after Something's Gotta Give. Take it easy, Jack. Or rather, cry that you weren't cast in 74 Shades of Grey (Everywhere).

The Kardashian drama continues as it seems Lamar Odom did not go to rehab and then had miso soup and green tea and maybe is doing some outpatient thing? If you're not in rehab, why not go for the green tea ice cream, which is so much more delicious? Or perhaps he's keeping it hot and brothy since withdrawal is a b*tch. These are the thoughts in my head today. I should be working... Poor Lamar. Poor Khloe. Poor me for not being able to figure out how to program the upcoming season of Grey's Anatomy....

Wednesday, September 04, 2013

Oooh, Before I Fall Asleep...

Gwen Stefani is preggo with #3 (and looks beautiful so we hate her), Scarlett Johannsen (I won't even try to spell name right, sorry, Scar!) got engaged and Simon Cowell is having a boy. (That could be taken several ways. So could that)

Sorry so short. Actually, I'm 5'5 (5'4 ish, *sniff*).

Tuesday, September 03, 2013

New Partnerships!

Katie Couric is engaged! To some banker and she looks THRILLED. I thought she'd stay with that young guy forever, which would have been fine since it's you-go-girl-tastic. But a ring is different. And a bankah!

Now, it turns out that Harry Connick Jr. and J. Lo are both going to be on American Idol. Visually they will stun the world, along with joyous Keith Urban. Backstage, I know some crazy sh*t will happen because Dish knows dirt about 2 out of these 3. I'll never tell.

There is more backlash on casting, which I find ludicrous. I mean, do these super-fans even do research on how casting directors cast? That there could be a whole host of elements involved? The dumbest thing would be to cast Robert Pattinson. He has his own franchise and we would only see Edward, who is so not the whipping kind. As a fan of Sons of Anarchy, I understand exactly why Charlie Hunnam was cast. Charlie can play both brutal and swoon-worthy. Cute interview.

Learning a little about Dakota Johnson's acting chops. I approve.

Monday, September 02, 2013

Fifty Shades of Awesome Casting!

Even though I only got through 100 pages of Fifty Shades of Grey, I desperately wanted for Robert Pattinson not to be cast--just because I don't think he's right for this part. The big headline today is not Syria (okay, it is) or the unmarked grave of countless abused boys at a Florida school. It's that Charlie Hunnam, the blond god from Sons of Anarchy was cast as Christian Grey--brilliant (just as with Ben Affleck as Batman--Dish approves!). Dakota Johnson, doubly-blessed by being the offspring of 2 celebrities (Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson) will play Anastasia. I remember when Dakota was born, which makes me feel older than dirt.

Over the weekend, Lamar Odom, in his continuing downward spiral, was busted for DUI. It's sad that this happens in the public eye--sad that I can't stop reading about it. We all hope he gets back on his feet, off the floor, out of the road, off the crack, and back on the court again.

TG and I viewed The Life of Pi, which caused me to sob convulsively. The whole movie made me uncomfortable the way Titanic did, i.e. I probably drowned in another life, but then when you make a CGI animal suffer, I'm a mess. Somehow, I got through it and now TG has points for enduring my weep-fest.

Hurray to Diana Nyad who swam from Cuba to Key West! I remember her first attempt. Now that's a substantial accomplishment.