Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Monday, May 13, 2013

Baba Is Retiring

It's hard to believe that Barbara Walters is retiring. Maybe she and Oprah can sit by the pool and get sloshed on mojitos and do a new show together, Boprah. I want to hear drunken lady talk about who they've slept with, certainly not interesting people they've interviewed or charitable causes they've supported.

Speaking of ladies, one of my girl crushes, Jane Lynch, is on Broadway as Miss Hannigan in Annie. I had no intention of seeing this one, but now, I must. I just hope the tickets don't cut into my Jersey Boys budget.

A fond farewell to Dr. Joyce Brothers, who I always mixed up with Dinah Shore. They've got that same blond wave.

Smash (spoiler): I'm sort of waiting for the unthinkable to happen, like maybe Debra Messing makes out with the last person she should be with, the Simon Cowell guy. Don't think the chemistry's working with Jessie Martin (though I adore him). He and Ivy are so over even though she's preggers.

TG and I are going to France...

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Happy Mother's Day!!!

A special Mother's Day greeting to my mother, who is my sunshine. Other than that unconditional love thing, here are some valuable lessons I've learned from my mom:

Mayonnaise is important.

Putting butter on bacon is delicious but make sure no one sees you doing it!

It's possible to give up an addiction without telling everyone about it.*

Work hard, even if you have pneumonia. Okay, maybe not if you have pneumonia.

Laugh at funny men. (Jack Nicholson, Jim Carrey, everyone in The 40-Year-Old Virgin)

Get manicures/pedicures often and tell your manicurist how the reason why your nails look bad is because you work so much in the garden.

When in doubt, soak all food in butter.

If too much Chardonnay makes you vomit, blame it on the grapes and switch to Pinot Grigio.

Wearing black is always a Martha Stewart good thing.

Mayonnaise, yogurt, and mustard make a scrumptious topping for any casserole (oh, wait, that's just me)

Get the hell off your couch and go for a walk.

When your child seems a little anorexic, order something for yourself and then shovel most of it onto her plate.

Try to see the good in people, or appear to, and let your children learn from their own mistakes.

If you have the chance for someone to play you in a movie, choose Meryl Streep--I mean, Demi Moore.

Support women, unless they're jerks.

Ignore jerks as they are usually inconsequential.

Throw parties. Lots of them.

People can surprise you. Don't abandon your faith in them.

You can be quiet about some things, but fight to the death for worthy causes.

5 minutes of calisthenics is just fine.

Visit people.

Fried oysters are the best thing on the menu.

And most importantly, always look on the bright side of your life.

Thanks, Mamala!!!

*Mom quit butts through acupuncture and didn't whine about how hard it was. I quit butts cold turkey and whined about it for a year. Another lesson: Don't be such a whiner.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Even Stars Bonk Their Heads

Did you read the headlines? Kanye bumped his head on a sign, you know, the way real people do. Then he threw a hissy at the paps, probably for distracting him. I am going to do the same thing the next time I fall up a flight of stairs. It's not me so much as other people making me klutzy, sort of like when I try to psych TG out while he's trying to do yoga (he can't do it).

Other than this, the only other news aside from global conflict, climate change, and the economy is that Lindsay's Adderall is being taken away at Betty Ford. I'm not sure if it's true. Aren't you supposed to go cold turkey on everything? Poor girl. She should probably be there for a year. It's not as if the world is missing great work by her being on the inside.

Still watching Army Wives--thinking that Kim Delaney has to be the most beautiful woman in the world. I remember when she played Jenny on All My Children and how wounded I felt when she died. It was as if someone I loved had been taken from me.

Sam is watching Arrested Development and now wants Will Arnett to play him in the movie version of my book.

Friday, May 10, 2013

I Can't Stop Watching "Army Wives"!

It's my cousin's fault for suggesting this excellent series that takes place on an army post, where wives get together, bond, drink wine and name their lady parts. My weekend is chock-full.

This morning I began with Taken 2. You know something? 60-something action heroes rule! Even though he's wearing skunk fur on his head, Liam Neeson is bad ass.

I end with the trailer for August: Osage County. My verdict: Julia tries really hard to be a normal person but sorry, FAILURE. She is as perfect and gorgeous as ever (and Meryl does some fab scenery chewing!).

Looking for reviews of The Great Gatsby. Have the feeling it's bleh. Tobey and Leo, really? I like them in certain projects, like Cider House Rules and The Departed respectively. I don't see how they could outshine Sam Waterston and Robert Redford. I just don't, not even with Baz's pomp and circumstance. Did like his Romeo & Juliet, though.

Thursday, May 09, 2013

I Dropped an Ativan Down My Bra During Jersey Boys

Trapped between Typhoid Ted and two nice people close to death, I knew I'd get jittery by "Opus 17." It takes lot of effort to dodge coughing fits and seek alternate routes should Grim Reaper start singing "Oh what a night..." Dish flees in a crisis. I put off medicating until right before "Too Good to Be True" when the fidgets got too Sybil, even for me. I deftly reached into my purse, brought out my First Aid Kit, and oh-so gingerly pulled out the little white speck. The minute I put it up to my mouth it dropped into the abyss. I started laughing, thinking, Thanks, Universe. Message received. So I closed my eyes and just listened, felt so much better naturally because of that fabulous song.

More drama from the Met Gala. Gwyneth Paltrow didn't like it and now we hate her even more. Imagine, a costume party that's not FUN. Can I go in her place next year? And also, now that Randy Jackson is leaving Idol at the end of the year, I'm volunteering to replace him, with all my years of experience. Oh no, wait. I can't sit with Nicki Minaj. Mariah, yes.

Allegedly, Real Housewives of NYC have threatened to walk if they don't get gigantic paychecks. I say, Andy Cohen, drop this particular cast immediately. This past season was a big fat snore. (I'll be a housewife for free--plus 100K

Wednesday, May 08, 2013

And Justice for Most

Trying not to read too much about the whole Cleveland kidnapping thing but it always makes me happy when victims emerge safe and sound. And the verdict came down for Jodi Arias, guilty of first degree murder. Stabbing her ex-lover 29 times? Isn't 15 enough? I'm waiting for this episode of Snapped.

In sad news, a legend has passed on: Jeanne Cooper of The Young and the Restless.

TG and I have started our campaign to promote my book. TG is way more skilled at this. I mean, look at him. Isn't that the face of someone you'd like to cold-call you?

Tuesday, May 07, 2013

Mark Sanford Back in Congress

I shouldn't be surprised, though I am this time--and every time. When politicians act like dogs, they get re-elected. This means Anthony Weiner (I would have voted for him before that Twitter thing) is sure to come back into the...um...fold. Everything sounds so dirty! Chris Christie just had lap band surgery, which I've heard involves a stripper sitting on him and stretching her breasts around his stomach. I'm sure he's going to run for Prez in 2016. Getting thin is a precursor to a big run. I'm all for health, as long as it doesn't involve tweeting your nethers!

Upon full examination of the Met Gala fashions, I'm shocked that I loved Kim Kardashian's wallpaper dress. So refreshing to see her in something other than solids. She looked glamorous and stylish. Also, enjoyed Anne Hathaway's blond hair. But what the hell was Ginnifer Goodwin thinking? That scared me.

Smash update and spoiler: I can't quit this show. With each episode, I hate it more and more, even if they bring in Liza and Bernadette Peters. I would give myself a severe bob just for the chance to have Anjelica throw a drink in my face. Karen finally does something interesting and almost sleeps with that Simon Cowell director. But does she allow actual penetration? NO! She's in love with that drugged-out idiot who's got a bad case of me-me-mes. I keep wishing he'd jump off something high, but he continues to act like he has serious lady cramps. Sadly, his BFF--who is one of the few characters I'd love to hang out with in real life (other than Debra Messing because she's fabulous no matter how ugly her clothes are on the show)--gets tossed in front of a car. I want to cancel everything, scream at the television, and I know it's only a matter of time before someone says, "The show must go on." Oh God, please erase this from my brain! (can't wait until next ep)

The Real Housewives of Orange County: Introduction of Lydia's mom who sprinkles fairy dust on strangers and smokes a whole lot of pot. Best thing that ever happened to the show.

It seems Criminal Minds is going through some hardships since two pivotal female characters might be leaving (allegedly) due to crappy contracts. Very screwed up. I don't know what I'd do without my weekly Garcia fashions. My last two pairs of glasses, I purchased with her as inspiration.

Monday, May 06, 2013

Using Muscles I've Never Used Before

As you can tell from the fact that I disseminate this blog through my deceased cat, I'm not much of a self-promoter. Now with a book coming out, I have to wrack my brain and make a list of people who could help me. Luckily, TG is a master at this so I threw a big tantrum and now he feels compelled to take over as my unofficial publicist.

In the meantime, I've renewed my subscription to Helen Mirren as The Woman I Want to Be, ASAP just from pictures of her backside as she's gallivanting around a gay festival. No one looks better with pink hair or purple pants--except maybe Pink herself.

Some sad news: I'm done with The West Wing. Have now watched it through twice. Talk about an Aaron Sorkin liberal fantasy--I bawled through the entire seventh season. Electing a Hispanic president who wants to reform education and get out of a useless war. Where are my Kleenex?

Happy news: Charlie Sheen's children are no longer with their biological parents. I've always been a fan of Denise Richards and now she deserves our support as she raises four kids. May she make another Lifetime movie soon. I Do, (But I Don't) II -- an inspiration that only gets better the more you watch it.

Farrah Abraham is the new Kim Kardashian. There, I said it.

(And if you can suggest anyone who might be able to create buzz on my book, please advise me)

Sunday, May 05, 2013

Not Much On Sunday

Dish can't move her neck so this will be short. Keira Knightley got hitched. I've decided that Paul Rudd should play TG in the movie version of my book. I'm catching up on my Smash. More thorough star scrutiny tomorrow.

Saturday, May 04, 2013

Star Sighting--Helen Hunt!!!

Behold this fabulous star sighting from Dishbrotherhusband!

"I thought you'd like to know. I saw Helen Hunt on the 1 train this afternoon. It was about 5:40/5:45pm. Not sure when she got in the train cause I was reading (prob after 42nd st, I'm thinking 59th st). I only noticed her when a small family (young mom, baby in stroller and grandma)  got in and as it was crowded they stayed by the door, not holding on to anything. The grandma tripped over Helen Hunt when the train moved. The grandma apologized and Helen, who was wearing sunglasses, half smiled and pointed to the grandma to use one of the handrails. I was about 5 feet away. Helen later got off at 72nd street. She was with a little redhead girl (daughter?). Helen looked good, very thin, wearing black. I tried not to gawk and went back to reading after the tripping accident. I did notice how narrow/slim her nose was."

Excellent peepers, DBH! But I wonder, why the sunglasses in the subway? They just draw attention, Dish feels. I do think some nose work was done, but hey, you never know.

We just watched This Is 40 and it's our whole life, basically (minus the children and mooching father). I'm thinking now Paul Rudd needs to play TG in the movie version.

Friday, May 03, 2013

Late Night Posting...

Because I forgot that I was posting daily again. Dish handed in The Book today to The Editor, on time, then promptly turned into a zombie. TG and I met to see a dog fashion show at FIT. The things people do these days to put their pets in human clothes. I was waiting for one of the pooches to take a giant sh$t but my prayers went unanswered.

TG and I watched Fox News because Erin Burnett's smugness (not to worry, I sort of feel the same about about Clooney, Sting and Bono) bugs us and we saw the poop about that drunk little so-and-so Reese and how she had the gall to flaunt her name and how her hubs threw her under the bus. To be a fly in the Witherspoon house... Who lets their husband drive so plowed in the first place? Blah.

And then TG and I watched The Hangover Part II. I still think Bradley Cooper tortures small animals. I have no evidence.

Thursday, May 02, 2013

Star Sighting--Adam Driver from Girls!!!

12:15pm, 19th and 7th: I crawled out of bed to get a salad. I was bummed in general because I was tired, I have to hand in a lot of work and my cat died. From across the street I saw the equally slovenly sweaty BF from Girls. Looking more cleaned-up, he walked by, didn't make eye contact, though I barely did either.

Then I got myself a candy bar.

Wednesday, May 01, 2013

Rest in Peace, DishCat

In September 1994, Antoine was born in a barn in New Mexico. He had giant paws that were far too big for his furball body. Because I was recovering from a broken heart, I brought him home with me. He nearly killed us both on the way when he scrambled out of my hands and down toward the brake pedal. I hadn't planned on getting a cat. Throughout his life, he was temperamental like me, hid behind couches (like me), wailed in the middle of the night, insisted on sleeping either on my chest, across my ankles or between my knees. For eighteen years, we lived together, ate my takeout, and, more recently, fell in love with TG. Last year, Antoine started to weaken and the last two months, he's been miserable. This morning, I decided to send him to that couch in heaven where I'm sure he's playing with his brother (also born in that barn) and his adoptive brother Jack. What a good kitty he was. Now I'm heartbroken again.