Monday, December 31, 2012

Please Get Better So I Can Vote for You in 4 Years!

I have trouble with faith--though I did have Hope as my lab partner in 7th grade science. I never went to church except with my grandparents. Maybe I dabbled in Christianity (briefly), Buddhism, morethandabbledin Wicca, and, yes, read the Scientology textbook. I would love to pray, but to whom? When I consulted my mentor (aka the fabulous woman who married me and TG) about this recently, she said I should consider praying to the "Great Mystery." I like this, though I've changed this to General Motors General Manager. So, GM, please, please heal Hillary Clinton of her deep vein thrombosis so that she can be President in 4 years!!! That's my New Year's Wish.

I just scandalized Dishmama in calling John Bolton a f*ckhole for what he said about Clinton faking her illness. He must have been on his period to say such a stupid thing.

Today's News: So I Guess KK and Kanye Might Have Done It.

Dish might be too cynical. I thought the Kardashian machine concocted this relationship with Kanye not that I think he's you know not attracted to her in that way in an effort to boost their respective profiles. But it seems that his atonal seed found the environs of her child-bearing hips which could have been done through IVF and now she is carrying one of the most sought-after bebes ever. It's insane. Just when I think I can't be shocked. But still, Dish doesn't feel this will last more than a couple years. Underneath her sisterly love and well wishes, Khloe must be pisssssssed. The Kardashians keep finding more reasons to stay relevantish. Cannot wait to see this televised.

Happy New Year to you all!

Sunday, December 30, 2012

NYE and Shahs of Sunset

I'm trying to go as low as I can before the year ends. Not only was I desperate enough to record The Real Housewives of Miami Reunion show (they are so vile) but I also found a special documentary on Hitler. if needed more juiciness, I'm now officially hooked on Shahs of Sunset. Just seeing Reza, the Big Gay Al of Persia, sniffing a boy's armpits in a club, well, it made me weep with revulsion understanding. Poor TG is hiding in the kitchen with the See's chocolate. But I get a credit because we watched The Watch (his choice), which is one of the worst movies I've seen ever, like if Gigli and Magic Mike had sex, this would be the product--TG giggled all the way through.

New Year's Eve is posing a problem for me. It's my favorite holiday but I don't want to go out. I have to work. Am I lame because I just want to watch Anderson and Kathy? TG is more social so we will probably go to the nearest bar. No subway or bus or taxi for me with all the crazies out on the street.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Star Sighting--Rebel Wilson!!!

At today's matinee of Glengarry Glen Ross, Dishspy Emma Brown--an accomplished circus acrobat, college student, and celebrity-in-training--went to today's performance and snagged this photo of herself with Goddess Rebel of Bridesmaids and Pitch Perfect. I need to stand and do the slow-clap for 3 reasons: 1. That Emma would enjoy a David Mamet play because he tests my adult-ADD. 2. I love Emma's red-orange sweater. 3. That she would be so bold as to get this awesome picture. It's like these two are born to be besties. Thanks, Emma!

Now this is a cool celebrity. No wonder all my colleagues are raving about her.

Friday, December 28, 2012

I'm Seeing Fleetwood Mac in April at MSG!!!

Jealous? If they play this song, I will swoooooooon. Along with their other regulars.

Cannot wait!

A Television Dilemma for the New Year

I already know the answer, but, Dishreaders, I have a problem I'll put out to you, The Universe. Should I watch The Bachelor again premiering on January 7th? I shouldn't but I will for these reasons:

1. Bachelor Sean Lowe looks as if he could be my cousin (on the paternal side), which has an ew factor. BUT I HAVE TO ROOT FOR FAMILY.
2. If I remember correctly, Sean's into Jesus, so I imagine some of the girls will be faking religion, which is a MUST-SEE. Will there be any covert boinking?
3. The cast is more diverse, which makes it politically correct even though the show is basically prostitution, misogynistic and a forum for public humiliation, i.e. read Foucault's Discipline and Punish.
4. I'm going to count how many times someone a. bursts into tears. b. says, "I'm in love with this man." c. says, "This is amazing." and d. says, "It couldn't have gone better."

Some sad news for two of my faves: Britney Spears might be fired from X Factor for allegedly being too boring. Don't you wonder what happened to her? She seems okay now after a rough time in her 20s but Dish still feels she had psychotic break from post-partum, this based on no knowledge of her life or medical background. Katie Holmes's run in Dead Accounts is ending early, at the beginning of January. Despite this, I have so much hope for her future.

The most manly stars--and Rudy Giuliani--always wind up in drag.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Celebrity Crush

TG keeps saying I have celebrity crushes. It's true. Jane Lynch, Daniel Craig, Duran Duran, Julia--to name just a few. My big one these days is Sean Penn who is fabulous in Fair Game with Naomi Watts (another crush). But truth be told, I only love Sean because he is so TG-esque in his looks and manner, especially in this movie (and Fast Times at Ridgemont High).

And now I'm going to watch Fair Game again and pretend that I'm a covert op CIA agent like Naomi. We are so similar.

My Holidays Are All About TV and Cat Puzzles

It's been implied that I'm a monster during the holidays. Hmmm. Well, then. I'll delve more deeply into my escapist entertainment. Here goes:

Episodes: I'm obsessed. Who knew Matt LeBlanc could be so funny? Love the two Brits. You must watch, if only to see how a Hollywood show gets made.

Lincoln: Okay, Daniel Day, you win. You are awesome. You only overact in one scene. I love you again. But I love Tommy Lee Jones even more!!! Dish doesn't think this'll win because it's too literate, i.e. thinky. Steven did not go for the waterworks so much until the end (cue same sh*tty music), which makes me like him again. I predict Lez Miz will win Best Picture because it's sentimental and easy to follow. Sally Field threw a marvelous hissy, so Nora Walker I squealed.

Jack Reacher: Sucks hard. Really hard. I usually enjoy Tom but he is completely miscast as the hulking law enforcer. The freaky villain made me laugh with his wonky eye and creepy villain voice. Luckily, Robert Duvall came in with a blower to get rid of some of the stink. My butt would've written a better script, too. Skip!

Beloved Old Men Leave Us

Forgive me but it's a known fact that when three old men die in such rapid succession, the world is about to end.

It's hard to imagine that Jack Klugman is no longer on the physical plane (i.e. he kicked it). I loved him in The Odd Couple, thinking I was so much like Oscar, when in fact, I am so Felix. Rest in peace, dear Quincy MD!

Charles Durning also died, which seems unconscionable. Remember him from Tootsie? In addition to an illustrious career, he almost got to make out with Dustin Hoffmann.

Just read too that General Norman Schwartzkopf, the big military icon of my early 20s, passed away.

All a big blah.

One Marriage Begins and Another One Ends

Kate Winslet married Ned Rocknroll (give me a break) and Leo gave her away! Isn't that sick? No really, very sweet. This is Kate's third marriage. That happens to people sometimes. My friend *Betsy* loved getting engaged because of the ring. She wound up marrying one guy but it bombed hard. She rebounded two seconds after by marrying someone else, who might have been gay. That ended pretty quickly. Now, many years later, she's single. Oh wait. Different situation entirely. Never mind! So Kate married for the first time immediately after Titanic--I like to think because she secretly loved Leo even though he pissed in the water tank during filming. Then she married a nice, steady on-the-rise director. That fizzled and now she's married someone with a fun name and who's related to Richard Branson. Fun is fun. My best wishes for the happy couple.

If you've been keeping up with your US magazine, Bettheny and Jason are done. I'm crying angry tears that there will be no more Bethenny Ever After and her kicking Jason's ass. I watched the talk show but didn't latch on. She belongs on television, screaming at people.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Happy Belated Birthday, Dishbrother!!!

WTF, Dish? Where have you been? I have no idea. Maybe I was in a chocolate coma. Maybe I got too engrossed in My So-Called Life. Maybe I needed a vacay.

The worst travesty is that I didn't post a special Happy Birthday to Dishbrother, who turned a milestone birthday yesterday. Since he probably wouldn't want me to post his picture, I will post a pic of the celebrity he resembles most.

It's not the day of Jesus, people. It's the day of Dishbrother who, fifty years ago, made a pact with Satan. That he keep his handsome rugged gorgeousness for all time. In return, well, nothing because Dishbrother is smarter than Satan.

Not only is Dishbrother amazing, but he's amazingly talented. I use his skin care products exclusively (except for Olay and Roc Deep Wrinkle Night Cream) and they are awesome. Also love his sleep balm, which helps bring about Lily White's Party (the lie my parents told me = sleep). His sh*t is awesome!

Enough pimping. Let's keep celebrating Dishbrother for another millennium or two...

Friday, December 21, 2012

The Mayans Just Stopped Writing in Stone Is All

The world didn't end. In fact, several things happened:

Ashton filed for divorce from Demi.

An Olympian revealed her life as a hooker to make money. Hey, whatever floats your flotilla. Can you imagine her johns saying, "I effed an Olympian."

Thoroughly brain dead from this year, Dish has started a new 500-piece puzzle featuring cartoon animals in the jungle. I've eaten three pieces of chocolate, some actual food.

Cannot wait for a big event next year: Kim Kardashian's movie debut in Tyler Perry's Temptation. She is AMAZING -- Kim, I mean.

And now, I will go into a coma for about a week.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Poor LeAnn Rimes!

Remember the days when all LeAnn did was sing? Now she's flashing the bikini, getting into twitter wars, and is becoming the butt of so much yick. The latest craziness occurred on X Factor when LeAnn appeared with this young girl and kinda of acted strange. Some say she was drunk. Dish just doesn't think she practiced singing with the girl and felt super-awkward. The girl was great. I don't know. Maybe I worry too much? I want LeAnn to come out of this in one piece and just sing.

Then on the other side of normal is Claire Danes who gave birth to Cyrus Michael Angelo Einstein Fancy Dancy Pants. I only care that Homeland continues.

Dish had a marvelous time at Jersey Boys. Told the ushers it was my fifth time but they weren't impressed. Male usher told me I should wear something red (ole!) so that the cast could see me better, making me a real whore groupie. The ushers told me the lady next to me had seen it 191 times. Superfan showed me pictures of her with the cast, told me how nice "John" and "Jarrod" and "Matt" were. Ya know "John" answers all his fan mail? The music thrills me, as always. Can't wait to see it again next week!

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Broadway Bound!

Dish accomplished some good things in the last 24 hours. Got to catch up with Dishmama and Dishstepfather--and eat a secret Snickers on the train home. So much happened while I was gone. TG went to Chelsea Piers to exercise. Barky newsman Sam Donaldson was arrested for DUI. Can't a guy have a few drinks and operate dangerous machinery in peace? 

Gossip Girl has finally been revealed. I gave up on GG last season but even I wanted to know. It was pretty logical, this person's being the one. I will miss Blair and Chuck. In times of stress, I will say, "I'm Chuck Bass."

Did you see that Carmen Electra and Simon Cowell are dating? Yeah, not in a million years do I believe this but hey, nice work if you can get it. One relationship that seems to be in trouble: Bethenny and Jason. All the rags have them divorcing immediately. Sadly, Dish saw this coming. When you begin your relationship on a reality show, it can't survive past that contract.

A propos of nothing, whenever I hear a tap-tap-tap anywhere, I think it's Dishcat about the hurl. #PTSD

Jersey Boys for me tonight!

Monday, December 17, 2012

Starbuns in the Oven?

It looks as if Channing Tatum does have sex with his wife since she might be carrying his almighty seed. I'm sorry, ladies. Dish is rooting for Jenna since she had the good taste to appear on American Horror Story. Not so much Channing because of Magic Mike which wasted precious minutes of my life.

A controversial topic of the last ten years has resurfaced. Is Jennifer Aniston finally pregnant? She's wearing baggier clothes and refusing alcohol. Sorry to say, Dish isn't buying it. I am also enjoying baggier attire since comfort is more appealing. Track suit, anyone? And because I sleep poorly and booze keeps me awake, I refuse the sauce. Plus, thanks to some fertility clinics, Dish knows the odds of her being preggo right about now. If she is, may the force be with her. She and Justin will have gorgeous children with fantastic comedic timing.

Dish is off on a short road trip that will wind up in the second row of Jersey Boys on Wednesday night!

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Jon Tenney Graduates to Centrum Silver!

Dish took notice of this Closer dish in 1990 with Equal Justice. He was my imaginary boyfriend for a couple years, until Keanu Reeves rocked my world with Speed. What does this have to do with the price of pancakes? Today, Jon is much further into his fifties. Happy Birthday, Jon!

Mundane stuff that I'm following: John Kerry is probably going to be Secretary of State. I can totally see this. Current secretary Hillary Clinton got the stomach flu and then fainted and got a concussion. This is her parting gift after working like a dog? Give her a break, Health Fairies!

In trainwrecks, DJ Deadmau5 proposed to Kat Von D on twitter. I love my Ms. Von D, but fear that she always skates too close to the edge when it comes to the XYs. She said yes. I just ordered more of her fabulous lipsticks from Sephora!

An interesting tidbit written by Anonymous (who's written SO much over the last centuries) called Elimination Night about a number one reality show (um, ShmAmerican Shmidol?) and all the shenanigans behind the scenes. A character, like Shmennifer ShmLopez, is a total shmunt and Shmeven ShTyler is a bulge-tweeting letch. Another character resembling Shryan Shmeacrest is allegedly a highly functioning psychopath. I have it on pre-order, filled with joy that some people in the public eye are much more effed up than I am!

Finally, in celeb news, here is Mandy Patinkin losing his sh*t but in a most delightful way.
In summation, peace and love to the families who lost their children. I can't even imagine...

Saturday, December 15, 2012

The Anarchist

There's a reason this play is closing early. It kinda stinks. Patti and Debra are great actresses. They're comfortable on stage and I would have loved to have seen them together in a different play. It's the Mamet language--so full of itself and not how anyone would speak and with lots of needless repetition--they both couldn't overcome it. At times, they were reciting as fast as they could, as if to get this damn thing over with. They glossed over the conversation and I kept having to think and rethink what they just said in order to understand. I have a  learning disorder now. Wonder what their chemistry was like off stage. At the same time, I would see them in shit any day of the week. And I did.

The best part: Patti signed my Playbill and was absolutely lovely with her fans. Just a sweetheart! She and I made eye contact. That will keep me going for a while.

Friday, December 14, 2012

School Shooting

Blah. This is too awful. I can't think of anything to say. Peace!

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Sandy Concert, Golden Globe Snubbing, I Love Boy Bands!

Golden Globs (I wrote that on purpose): Outrage #1, to snub Sons of Anarchy. Are you crazy, Hollywood Foreign Press? Outrage #2, American Horror Story also got the diss but at least my Jessica Lange got a nom. Outrage #3, that Ricky isn't hosting. I can let go everything else.

TG and I watched a little of last night's Sandy concert. Though weary of the Bon Jovi, Paul McCartney and Bruce telethon trifecta, I hope they raised gazillions. Then we watched Barbara Walters, whose eyes are growing ever closer together*. Hmmmm. She interviewed One Direction, and the group reminded me of early Duran Duran, though their songs sound like Katy Perry. Never mind, I love these little tykes, dear reader. I'm one of 297 million viewers of this video.

Screw you, Homeland, for killing off my favorite character aside from Claire Danes, who is the face of the goddess herself. A mark of a good show--you kill your angels. Didn't Hemingway say that?

Men in Black III (or is it IV) is terrible. Saving grace is that Josh Brolin does an excellent Tommy Lee Jones. Joshipoo is very underrated and one of the finest actors around. And who doesn't love Emma I almost wrote Heather Thompson? Another actress I could watch cutting her toenails and be enthralled.

*And she made a grammatical error.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Real Housewives of BH--A Lesson in Manners

This is how I know Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is fake, fake, fake. It makes no sense that at Mauricio's company party, Kim would choose that moment to reveal to Adrienne/Paul (the scariest couple ever) that Brandi Mistress of Truth dropped a bomb about A&P behind their backs. Two questions: Who does that and what *is* the scandal Brandi unveiled about the Maloof/Na--somethings? There might be strange mental wiring involved on Kim's part--she has her moments--but -- okay I would have done the same thing if the cameras were on me. Can I hire Brandi to be my life coach?

I should be reading my New Yorker but got distracted when I learned that Anne Hathaway flashed her delicate flower accidentally there are no accidents at an event. This kept me busy. All websites have covered her maidenly undercarriage. They certainly didn't do the same for Britney Spears, Lindsay or poor Denise Richards! Where's the justice?

Good deed: Don't tell TG but I tipped the deliboys10$ for making me a delicious turkey club sandwich. Celebrities often double-tip, so I figured I was in good company. It made me feel great.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Mario and Courtney

It pains me to get invested in another couple, but I couldn't resist watching Mario & Courtney's wedding fiesta in Mexico, on TLC. Or was it E? Poor Mario Lopez was lovelorn after his marriage to Ali Landry ended in annulment. He's now a budding Ryan Seacrest--with a new daughter and bride! I bonded emotionally with Courtney via television because of the angoisse she experienced over her father's being a block of ice. The added bonus was that I recognized someone I know -- someone whose influence gave me a little push toward TG. Synchronicity!

So, Psy of Gangham Style is being dissed for singing anti-American lyrics 8 years ago. Honestly. We were a-holes in 2004. I certainly was a giant pain. Of course, he might make mistakes before he hit on the perfect song that would capture the universe. Let's give him a break. Dish had a John Taylor mullet.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Marry Me in NYC

There's a new wedding show in town, Marry Me in NYC, and Dish KNOWS the host, Gino Filippone! Since I'm acquainted with 3 celebrities, this means I am a celebrity. Well, he's mostly friends with my brother, but I have pictures of when Gino and I were much younger. He had the Fabio hair--the way Fabio wished he had--and I had a tighter face. Gino has been destined for stardom since birth. I'm so happy he has his own show premiering on WE Saturday. By the way, this clip doesn't come close to capturing this zesty god.

Sunday, December 09, 2012

Kate Is Yakking Again!

Oh wait, I said I wouldn't cover them during their pregnancy. Can I blame it on my Lindt overdose? So anyway, Kate is vomiting again. I feel it's only fair Wills gets equal coverage of his bodily functions. Tell us where/when he lays a giant royal turd, please?

So, that Party Animal Who Played Liz seems to be attaching at the member to a member of The Wanted. Now Dish has to research and see what this band is about. Then watch something by New Direction, to whose member Taylor Swift (I think that's her name) is attached to one of the members. I'm so tired.

On a serious note: Say a prayer for Mexican-American singer Jenni Rivera whose plane crashed early this morning. No news on where she is but so far, authorities fear the worst.

Saturday, December 08, 2012

It's Important to Look Pretty When You Cry

I have a friend who looks terrible when he/she cries. I don't say anything and just wait it out. When I cry, I make sure that my face doesn't move too much. I also swallow my sorrow as much as possible so that I only have those romantic tears rolling down my face, like Meryl Streep. Good thing no one saw me this morning wracked with agonized sobs all the way through Hope Springs starring Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. Watch it not only for the geezer sex but also for the repressed lady fashions and stellar weeping.

It's sad enough when a normal person doesn't cry pretty but when a star looks bad crying, it's like 12/21/12 end of the world. I'm talking to you, Laura Dern, Diane Keaton, Kim Kardashian...and LeAnn Rimes. This last one gives an interview--airing Sunday on E!--where she sobs about having an affair on her first husband with her current husband. LeAnn is very pretty, but when she cries in this interview, her eyes twitch unevenly, those giant nostrils contract, but no real tears spew forth. This makes me suspicious that it could be fake. As a singer, she can easily make the voice wobble. If LeAnn is going to play out her life in public, she needs to learn how to cry. Watch Julia, Meryl and Demi Moore as much as possible. Only boys fake cry. I'm talking to you, Ed Harris in Stepmom.

I've never fake cried--okay once, but it turned into real cry because it was so pathetic. At least I'm sort of gorgeous when I cry.*

*Not a word, Dishfamily.

Friday, December 07, 2012

Unnecessary Death

It's hard to predict what will send someone over the edge, but the Australian DJs who pulled the "royal prank" certainly picked the wrong woman. The fact is that this prank was stupid yet successful and the DJs got a lot of attention. Restraining that urge to break rules would put most entertainers out of business and I'm sure the DJs had no idea what their actions would cause. They simply called the hospital, impersonating royalty in order to get info on Kate and her condition, then aired their victory. It must not have dawned on them that their prank could get staff fired, ruin a livelihood, destroy a family forever, compromise a person's health/security or simply be someone's "last straw." A nurse who was one of the hoax victims committed suicide (allegedly but probably) a day later. This is just so tragic--that Jacintha Saldanha, the "excellent nurse" who probably did more good for the world than the DJs, would let this joke affect her. It is so easy to be audacious without thinking of the consequences (hear that, Imus?). It happens every day--like the kid who killed himself after his roommate secretly filmed him and blasted him on twitter. Some people just want to do their jobs and live under the radar. This death makes me so sad. The lesson in this might stick for about a month, but then the lure of being outrageous/famous for two seconds will be too great. No doubt, the two pranksters will become more famous and get book deals to detail their hardships.

Thursday, December 06, 2012

Star Spotting--Christine Quinn!!!

1:14pm at Plein Sud in Tribeca. Dish was scarfing down bread loaded with butter when someone said, "Oh, there's Christine Quinn." I whipped around to see the woman herself, wearing an awesome suit, headed toward a corner table. All I really know about her is that she's a politician and a lesbian...and a celebrity! Ergo I love her. She looked nice. I hope her meal was better than mine...

I don't think I've gone a day without hearing about how method Daniel Day Lewis is. Grrrr. One of these days, I have to see Lincoln even though my intestines gurgle at the thought. On a more cheerful note, Emily Maynard has been cast on Dancing with the Stars, which confirms her fame-whoring ways.Who the hell wants to be an anonymous single mom in Charlotte when you can be on TV? Right there with ya, Ems!

Kate Middleton was discharged from hospital. Pictures show her smiling next to her dashing balding husband. No yakking, but it's only a matter of time before it's caught on camera. Dish is obsessed.

Wednesday, December 05, 2012

Here's Why You Should Never Peak Too Early

Olivia Newton John and John Travolta kill the dream of Gen-Xers everywhere with this pile of sh*t. I mean, do they think we're morons? It's not even cute. It's just stupid and insulting. What's with the soul patch and severe horrible chia pet pate on your head, JT? How did Olivia lower herself for this drek that I could have filmed on my iPad? This is so upsetting to me. Christmas sucks now.

Some good things: Dish is going to see Jersey Boys again! I've worked for the same place for 15 years and I'm getting extra dinero which will fund my Row 2 on December 19th. Who Loves You! And my fave Beverly Hills Housewife Brandi Glanville dissed LeAnn Rimes for letting her son accidentally eat her laxatives. Ugh...This smells so ugly. Dish has always been on Team Brandi. I'd totally be her BFF.

If you haven't heard enough about Emily Maynard, get ready for her stint on Dancing with the Stars. I'm done with her, though. Picked the wrong guy, rumors she was a big diva.

Okay! Off to Lily White's Party.

Tuesday, December 04, 2012

I'm Ready for My Botox

Dish had her first procedure yesterday, the most serious since wisdom teeth extraction 1993. Yes, my derm froze off a patch of sun-damaged skin on my cheek. I showed off the hideous scab to random neighbor in elevator and he said, "I don't know what to say." Say that it's awesome! Derm was so nice and I hinted that I might get Botox, but he didn't take up the thread of conversation. You'd think he wanted me out the door fast. Hey, buddy, it's not everyone who gets to see me in my underpants! Maybe in 1996 and 2005...

Everyone's talking about Kate's pregnancy. Because I want to give the royal couple their privacy, I won't say another word--except that I now know so much about that Hideous Gravarium condition aka Yakking- Constantly-Due-to-Bun-in-the-Oven-itis. They're even speculating about twins--Gaggus Majoris!

Rob Kardashian barely got his sh*t together to start a sock line, but he did find the time to call his ex a whore on twitter. Wasn't he supposed to go to law school?

And now I shall retire to focus on my enviable state--the need to gain 6 pounds. The sound of my bones scraping together, not cool. Thank the lords, it's raining corn muffins and vanilla lattes!!!

Monday, December 03, 2012

Princess Kate Is Yakking Her Brains Out!

Poor Katie-kins! When Dish thinks of hell, this is what it looks like: being so sick from yakking that one needs hospitalization. The next circle of hell is seeing all the comments from sympathizers with remedies for Kate Middleton's morning sickness. If her yakking hadn't been so severe, she might have waited to spew the news of the growing royal. According to commenters, the child could be a girl or a boy--based on the fact that she has morning sickness. Get well soon, KM!

And big congratulations to the royal couple!

Sunday, December 02, 2012

I completely forgot... think of celebrities today. Okay, so maybe I'm watching Patti LuPone in LBJ: The Early Years and working on a cat puzzle ($5.99 at Duane Reade). Who knew LBJ was such a historic figure...and a dick! I had such a crush on him growing up...

Saturday, December 01, 2012

Welcome to The Asylum!

I would totally let Jessica Lange cane me--which she does so splendidly as the evil nun in a mental institution circa 1964 on FX's American Horror Story. I'm so into the reusing of last season's characters as it's kinda reincarnationey. My one beef with Ryan Murphy is that he tends to push agendas till your head smarts. He chose a great setting for this--1964--when so many tired structures were slowly being dismantled. Though, I wonder where feminism is in this season--aside from the lesbians. He covers homosexuality, religious fascism, unorthodox "cures" in psychiatry, sexuality, racism, women mostly in their sexual roles as either whores, nuns or lesbians. His divine casting, though, makes up for this. There is a lot of love for great actresses on this show.

Two weddings happened today and they will both be on television! Ashley Hebert married JP and Mario Lopez married his baby-mama. Then in even better news, Hugh Hefner is marrying Crystal Harris, the babe who jilted him at the altar five days before last year. I felt so bad for Hef. Lucky for him, she probably ran out of money while trying to be independent and came crawling back. Or maybe it's love.

Friday, November 30, 2012

Hey, Anne--Wanna Go to Anthropologie Tomorrow?

Here are Dish's Reasons for Seeing Les Miserables:

The story: A man steals bread and goes to jail. His jailer gets a big boner for him and makes him carry a long flag pole. After his release, the bread-stealer decides to keep stealing but the priest is nice to him (not in that way). BS becomes mayor and befriends a prostitute with short hair who has a cute blond jonbenet daughter who doesn't brush her hair. BS watches the whore-mother die and carries jonbenet off into the night. Meanwhile, the Oz Jailer chases BS and whips out his sword. BS keeps showing Oz mercy (but not his wang). Jonbenet grows up beautiful and falls for a soldier, the one who spent the week with Marilyn Monroe. It's love at first sight and BS is not-miserable anymore since he can marry the girl off so he can join the whore in heaven. Oz Jailer is so upset in general that he jumps off a bridge. Somewhere there is fighting. Vive la France!

Anne Hathaway blows away Oscar competition for Best Supporting Actress with just one song. The weight loss and short hair were worth it! In the star-studded Q&A after the screening, I realized with a start that Anne and I are now imaginary best friends! Julia and I have drifted apart since Larry Crowne--plus, with how Anne sat, with the voices inside her head still speaking, I can tell she's got a touch of the crazy--like Dish!

Hugh Jackman is just as Hugh-ey as you could imagine, and cute as a bug's ear. Criticism: He gets hammy in parts and he's not PRETTY enough in this movie. The hair alone made me shudder with revulsion. If he'd only pulled a Wolverine, it might have been sexy. Remember: acting is attracting.

Russell Crowe acts with just an eye twitch. I've forgiven him now for the phone-throwing. His performance is astonishing and effortless--his singing, well, I would have trained a bit more for those notes. It seemed out of his comfort zone. And yet, next to Anne, he is my favorite in the movie.

Amanda Seyfried: Lovely. Looked hungry on stage.

Eddie Redmayne: Adorable and lovely voice. Nicely done Marius.

Samantha Banks: Winning. Fabulous debut. Though look at her skinny bitch waist. I hate her!

Helena Bonham Carter: As Dishbrother says, "Where was her costume?" Easy transition from Tim Burton to 19th Century Paris.

Sacha Baron Cohen: You should have seen TG's glow during his scenes. Sacha is a scene-stealer.

The biggest star of all: sound and set design. I'd never seen Les Miz before because the soundtrack didn't float my sails. I cried like a baby most of the way through this version. It's a tad boring in spots. Some camera work could have been done on my iPad, but overall, a triumph. Hard to say if it's going to be this year's Titanic (long, sappy movie that touches everyone's hearts). I'm mostly blown away by the work involved in creating this movie and the fabulous performances.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

How I'm Going to Be Famous

I've made a command decision. The way for me to get on TMZ is if I run my face into Lindsay Lohan's fist. She is brilliant at getting arrested and picked on (see today's news). Why not ride on her coattails? This will also attract the attention of my alleged true father Michael Lohan. The idea of bruising my porcelain skin does make me crave a comforting Snickers, but it's worth the extra weight on my ass a black eye if my name can be in lights. Please, Lindsay, you frozen-faced nightmare of a drunk? I don't really mean this, but isn't it worth a good POW in the jaw?

More bad behavior: Whitney/Bobby progeny broke up with her sort-of brother, to whom she was engaged, and wrecked her car. Whatever happened to reading self-help when you're depressed? Est, anyone? I'm signing her up for Dianetic testing right this second. Or...she needs a good dose of Dolly Parton who charmed the dickens out of Colbert on Tuesday night. Now there's someone who works.

Cheating: There is no longevity in celebrity marriages--with the exception of Gwen Stefani, whose cuteness should enthrall a spouse for 50 years. She goes the extra mile by appearing in full makeup at all times. Even Julia Roberts has a crush on her which means I do, too. With Gwen's perfection, why would Gavin Rossdale grab the nanny's ass? It could be innocent.

Robbing the Cradle of Civilization: If you've been living under a rock, the Middle East isn't fighting right now, which means it's safe for Kim Kardashian to go there and brush up. Just as important, Demi is boinking a boy half her age.If she hadn't married Ashton, I'm sure we wouldn't care. She was good in Margin Call.

Dish is off to see Les Miserables. Will Russell redeem himself? Why is Anne Hathaway not being pretty?

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Baaaaa Baaaaa, $$$$, Baaaaa Baaaa

Much ado is being made over the 1/2 man of Two and Half Men, Angus T. Jones, who spoke his mind about the show being filthy and no one should watch. A double-edged sword here, which in the grand scheme of life amounts to gooey meadow muffins in a field. The little lamb should be able to speak his mind and not feel compelled to apologize for his "rant." I'm tired of these celebs apologizing. Note to Chuck Lorre: If Dish were hired for the show, she would keep any Buddha/Pagan/PrincessDi/New Jesus thoughts separate from work, as in don't whizz on the hand that signs your paycheck. Does no one understand this?

I know this disturbs us all but Jessica Simpson had sex again. US Magazine got the scoop that JS might be with child #2. Please make the lambs stop screaming. Until then...

Screw you, writers of Dexter! How could you kill off my favorite character since the Trinity killer? The rest of the season will suck. Characters are now a spray tan away from putting me to sleep. A high body count will not bring fabulous back. And don't insult me by making him--or her--another dumb mentor ghost! Hello, Jaws? You've been jumped.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Where Is My Merch, @DuranDuran?

Many months ago, I signed up to be a Gold Member of the Duran Duran fan club. This means I get lots of free sh*t for only 70$. I'm supposed to get a letter from the band, certificate of Duran Duran awesomeness, a Nick Rhodes tongue depressor, Simon's speedo circa 2008, the witchy spell to conjure Roger Taylor's intensity, special John Taylor nose hair plucked from his coke days and laminated, and Dom's new CD. I want this sh*t.

Do I dare pull out the big guns and start obsessing over Spandau Ballet instead?

Oh wait! Apologies. Forgot that Mercury has been in Retrograde!

Monday, November 26, 2012

Liz and Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Liz & Dick was a poo coup for Lifetime (cue upbeat Hamlishy music) because everyone seems to have seen it. I  learned so much about Liz! Did you know she and Dick made out ALL THE TIME at every opportunity? Also, Dick recites poetry like my cat pisses on all available surfaces. Cleopatra had some hideous bangs and, sorry, no one needs that much eyeliner. Dish received quite an education.

For reals: this flick is a stinker whose pacing is on beta blockers. Poor Lindsay tries to capture the icon but she doesn't seem to be acting. They should have cast Eva Green (the babe in Casino Royale) who can act. My second choice would be Christina Ricci, followed by Mia Kirshner. Elizabeth Taylor had a distinct personality and manner of speaking. Li-Lo doesn't come close. If she'd had an uninterrupted year of studying El-Tay, watching her movies over and over, she might have nailed it. I wanted her to do it. Dammit!

Ugh, I can't even comment on this next topic because it involves mentioning a vile person. I will just say that Jenny Johnson is my hero.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Thanksgiving Gravlax. Qu'est-ce que c'est?

Sundays continue to be too packed with great shows. Homeland, Dexter. Let me catch you up on both: The bad guy/protagonist can't stop banging the crazy blond ho.

TG and I made out like bandits from Dishmama's brunch fiesta today. We will go anywhere for free food. My husband hates the idea of me in the kitchen -- especially since my idea of deliciousness is Potato Bud flakes swimming in an ocean of Land O' Lakes and parmesan, the breakfast of champions with mild food and body image issues. Wash it down with some caffeine free Diet Coke. DM saves lives!

Rihanna shows me everyday the truth about love. It involves taking a picture of your squeeze while he's sleeping, which proves you're doing it and c'est tres serious. Tonight, I'm going to catch TG mid-snore,* maybe give him some fake tattoos and little Sharpie mustache, then post on Twitter.

* Teenagers have done this already and posted the pics on FB. Another reason why the young are awesome!

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Rest in Peace, You Womanizing Oil Baron! (Slap)

The imaginary villain of my childhood, J.R. Ewing, has gone to that palatial estate in the sky. On Dallas, Larry Hagman played the deliciously evil pain in the butt who stayed one step ahead of everyone. Just at the point when Sue Ellen or Bobby might advance, J.R. came from behind and stole everything! How I appreciate his evil now. To pay my respects, here are some choice scenes. The Housewives should take note on how to diss someone:

That awesome theme song
Where Pam slaps JR
Where JR slaps Sue Ellen
Where JR calls Sue Ellen a slut 
Where Bobby shows what a goody-goody wuss he is and J.R. makes sign of devil with his eyebrows

The Middle East may have called a truce, but Thanksgiving drama erupted between Halle Berry's fiance Olivier Martinez (the one who got clocked by Richard Gere in Unfaithful and who used to date Kylie Minogue) got into a fight with Berry's baby-daddy Gabriel Aubry and both men wound up in the hospital. I thought this only happened on television...

So, during my flights to and from Florida, I watched Ted and The Five-Year Engagement. Ted has only a few funny jokes and a predictable plot. It's kind of hilarious that a bear could have sex with a woman, though. Maybe Dish had low blood sugar. And, while I'm glad I didn't pay 13$ to see it, The Five-Year Engagement had cute moments and showed true love's complexity. It's hard not to love Emily Blunt and Jason Segel. In this movie, Jason, at least, isn't constantly showing his wang, which I appreciate. Dish prefers her Rom-Coms with clothes. For dramas, thrillers, Apatow or Ferrell comedies, let it all hang out!

I had a vivid dream where Julianne Moore was trying to enlist me in some cause. She was all enthusiastic the way she is in real life. Like you want to join her club. What does she want me to do?  A message from Julianne is always divine.

Friday, November 23, 2012

American Horror Story... scaring the crap out of me. Though it doesn't make whole lot of sense. TG and I have done tons of ghostly research. Just last night, I scanned our hotel room for presences. There were two. One of them kept playing Monty Python clips on Youtube. Oh wait, that was TG. Anyway, Connie Britton and Dylan McDermott are idiots for staying in that SO OBVIOUSLY HAUNTED house. Anytime you see Jessica Lange, some scary eye-twitchy psycho sh$t is about to happen. Plus, Connie, when you're 45++ and mysteriously pregnant with twins by a rapist in a rubber suit, don't you kinda want to protect your devil children and get the fudge out of the house? The reason why Con and Rob stay in the house is because they want to be on TV. So desperate.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Happy Thanksgiving

This ain't my holiday especially with severe abnominal issues after eating an ecoli Twix bar--not really. Or it could have been the tarragon chicken sandwich. Whatever, it was several hours of ugliness that I'm glad my husband didn't witness. I had a lovely Thanksgiving with my in-laws and parents. I hope my gut is all better by tomorrow.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Why I'll Never See Madonna in Concert

More than once have I read FB updates that said, "Madge is three hours late." Today, while watching The Talk for the first time, they trashed Madonna whose fans have complained about how late she is for her concerts. I don't care who she is. You're not that late unless you're spastically voiding your bowels. A favorite rocker of mine found out that his father died and went to perform two hours later---on time. Sure it's a drastic example and I would have canceled but it showed great respect for fans. Madonna may want to perform for her heartiest fans, those who truly love her enough to pay up the wazzoo and wait forever. Forget about the economy or how time is precious for us little guys. She's lame. I used to respect her for her moxie. I don't anymore. Dead to me.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Thanks, United/Continental!

I thank this airline for delivering me safely and suavely to Orlando. Sheer heaven except the time delay.  I didn't even need a tranquilizer but I sure need one now. I caught up on rag reading--Elizabeth Banks had another baby via surrogate. Hey, TG...could be an idea for us and it's what the celebrities do. Other than this it's all tequilas and margaritas and Mickey!

Monday, November 19, 2012

Tomorrow Voyager!

I waited too long to post and, I'll admit, I took a pill. You never know what I'm going to write. I need sleep badly before I fly. Who am I kidding? I need electro-shock therapy before I fly. Instead, I downloaded American Horror Story, which will be similar. My first girl crush was on Jessica Lange so I'll get all cozy on this plane packed with Disney-bound children and watch some scary sh*t.

It will drown out the fear over Selena Gomez and her alleged strep throat! Also, I'll be able to forget Rylan Clark's rendition of "Girls on Film"--all attitude, no talent.

Off to dream land. Will write from the land of the bright sun, drunken old people, and kids in fluorescent bathing suits. I hope I fry.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Magic Mike Is Terrible

I really wanted to see this movie--though fell ill on the day I intended to cough up 13$. And thank goodness,  because it sucks! How many times can glorious Matthew McConaughey say, "Allright, allright, allright" in his precious twang? How boring is Channing's love interest and their romance? And how dare the creators keep hiding the baloney from devoted female/gay fans. This flick was pure tease with a deceptive trailer. For those who haven't seen it, save your dough. This is a transformation/coming of age story with boring dialogue. The most heinous crime is that it under-uses the bonerific talents of the werewolf from True Blood, Matt Bomer, Alex Pettycoats, and Channing Tatum--and McConaughey. They should have focused more on the stripping and made a Cinderella story for a girl to date a stripper--who is secretly rich and gives it all up for her!

If you've ever wanted to know who Dishmama has always reminded me of, watch this babe. This siren and my mother are practically separated at birth. But my mom is even more fabulous.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Wanderlust Isn't So Bad

...especially if you enjoy Paul Rudd and Jennifer Aniston. The premise is incredibly one-note and the glow of Jenni-Paul almost makes up for it. Almost. The crazy hippie thing is funny for about two seconds until you realize this flick is a vehicle for the following:

Rudd's endearing boy-nextdoorness
Justin Theroux--who is super-hammy and clever, though his best work so far is Tropic Thunder
Bathroom and sex humor--which Apatow takes to new heights
Aniston's great hair, body and comedic timing. It's hard for me to look away when she's on a screen, she is that Julia-esque
Crazy secondary characters

It's worth a rent if you have nothing to do.

So much ado about Israel these days. I'm not sure what's happening but Kim Kardashian does. So much so that she tweeted her support of Israel, then Palestine, then never mind. Note to Kim: Resist all Ambien-tweeting.

And now, I feel I have to confess: Lincoln looks like a big pile of crap. Am I the only one who doesn't melt over Steven Spielberg and Daniel Day? In a previous post, I said I wanted to see it, but I was lying. In the previews, the only one who doesn't seem to overact is my imaginary aunt Sally Field. Maybe that's inspiration to go...

Friday, November 16, 2012

"Oh, But I'm Gonna"*

I said I wouldn't but I've officially launched Operation Lindsay Lift-Up, in that I'll mention her when she's working for the powers of good. In this GMA interview, yes, her face is frozen, but she's coherent. You can tell she wants to do something with her life. I can't wait to see Liz & Dick even though it seems blasphemous that she'd play Elizabeth Taylor. Keep going, LL!

Britney Spears was just cast in the new Marilyn Monroe movie.

*In which Julia movie is this line snorted delivered?

Dish's New Imaginary Best Friend!

I have a new BFF in the form of Ron Ben-Israel, god-host of Sweet Genius, the dessert cooking challenge show. TG and I are in love! Not only is he captivating as a personality, but his art is spectacular. I might have spent the last few hours watching Youtube videos of his cake creations. You do that for BFFs. I'm sure that if I posted videos of me knitting and reading trashy mags, he'd view them.

In my mind, I go to him when I have problems, like when I'm too reclusive. Ron urges me to meet him at a spot on the Upper East Side (my bad place). Braving the 6 is not easy for Dish, especially during rush hour, but Ron is aware of this. He wants me to conquer my aversion. The flood of young professionals almost makes me hyperventilate but then I see tiers of cakes, patisseries, and candies in the store window. My nerves recede. Behind the curtain is my new BFF with a free plate of frosted sugar cookies.

Maybe I'm getting away with myself. The Cranberry Bliss Bar at Starbucks was a crushing disappointment...

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Oh, Daddy, Where Art Thou?!

My biological father's last contact with me was a handshake 2.5 years ago. It's okay. Blocks of ice tend not to be forthcoming unless swizzled with gin and tonic -- a tasty summer treat. So, this is why my WASP-heart kvelled when Michael Lohan -- Daddy of My Dreams -- took a paternity test on TV to prove he's the father of a girl conceived and raised out of wedlock with no financial contribution from him. Once the test was revealed, he went over to give the girl an awkward hug and she said something like, "I only just met you today." At least he tried, Lucky New Lohan!!! She is fortunate that her life will be so much better. Michael is always there with the paparazzi, ready to get you into rehab, as long as he's interviewed extensively about how concerned he is, so concerned he'll throw up on camera! When he has medical procedures, he lets you see the electrodes on his magnificently hairy chest (which all daddies have). Maybe it's concerning that Daddy has a long rap sheet, looks good in orange and behind bars, that he tends to beat the sh*t out of women. His spouses may suffer, but the children don't! Ergo, using the transitive property: I love fame and the stars. I need a daddy (Bon Jovi is busy). Michael Lohan is also my father.

Two other Daddy candidates are now upset with each other. So like, Bobby De Niro met Jay Z at a party and Bobby was, like, I so loooovvvve the lip gloss you're wearing. Thanks, Bobby, let's talk more, I'll show you all my Sephora choices. Bobby called Jay Z but he never answered. Bobby's, like, should I go Lancome or stick with a Nars glow stick? Jay Z was all I'm too busy telling the nannies to change Blue Ivy's nappies. B*tches ran into each other again at a party, and Bobby was pissed, like Mac Red Lipstick pissed, with steam coming out his Noczema. He let his fury show, which made Jay Z all uncomfortable. Beyonce tried to make nice, but Bobby knows Gen-Y manners. Obvs, Jay Z hasn't watched Goodfellas fifty-hundred times, like Dish. Never piss off Bobby who reminds me a lot of the Block of Ice.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

It's Her Life

If Bon Jovi were your dad, why would you ever do drugs? When I read this morning that BJ's daughter was allegedly arrested for an alleged heroin overdose, I was mystified. It's Bon Jovi! I would be on my best behavior if he were my dad since he is his own high-grade drug. If you're having a bad day, you can count on Bon Jovi to lift your mood. He is classic, smooth-sailing. Even though I'm not a big fan, I always smile when I see him perform. Plus, he's kept the same hairstyle over 20 years.

Then again, I hated the maroon jacket he wore in New Year's Eve. It almost made me use. And the hair. He tours a lot and is probably never home. Everyone wants a piece of Bon Jovi so when would he have time for his daughter?

I still wouldn't mind Bon Jovi as my daddy biologically impossible, Dish

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Please Make the Phone Ring!

A celebrity's "people" called me today! We're playing phone tag, but this could be the little boost Dish needs after this month of no-holds-barred hell. Thank goodness I have the daily healing of TG, but celebrity opportunity is truly awesome, too. And to think, 24 hours ago, I was in the throes of a mild panic attack, the kind where I thought I was dying, needed to go into another room to watch Sons of Anarchy and read Runner's World just to calm down. Dishreaders, if I do wind up on TV again, I will require immediate hair rejuvenation. This red straw hasn't seen business-scissors in, oh, 6 months...

In star news: Elmo's voice/handler allegedly had been accused of having a relationship with an underage boy but today the accuser says never mind. I smell $$$$$$. I should have been way more crafty as a 16 y.o. I could have been rich! Sure, I would have sold my soul but what does that mean anymore if you can buy out Anthropologie?

Praying for calm waters tonight. Listening to Enya, watch a little Jack Black and Shirl in Bernie, some post-election-musings on CNN, break into the Edgar Cayce's book on angels. Or the article on exercises to develop a stronger lower back. Perhaps the bio on Catherine de Medici instead? This Sybil brain needs a little of everything.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Crazy Blond

Due to subway claustrophobia, I walked home. As I reached Houston, I saw this pretty, young blond woman walking at a good clip up ahead of me. Her hair was pulled back. She wore black leggings and striped top, bag slung over her shoulder--nicely put together overall. Stopping at a restaurant table, she snapped a picture of diners. It was hard not to notice her high-pitched voice as she rambled about "changing energies, both sexual and material." Oh hell, I thought. Is everyone crazy? I pushed on past, hoping she'd get absorbed in her bananas and ignore me. Of course, she didn't. She matched my pace, seemed to get closer to the point where I decided to pause and let her go by. She never stopped her one-sided-conversation. In a frightening moment, with me stalled at the curb, she looked back. We locked eyes. There was no blurry, muddy expression on her face, which unnerved me even more. I know my meth and heroin face, the boozy stumble, the pot stare. Blondie surged ahead and kept talking, and so did I but from a distance. When she was half-a-block away, she stopped, turned toward the traffic and unleashed this terrifying rage, killer rage, like I-could-easily-no-problem-stab-you-in-your-sleep rage. Size doesn't matter.

General Petraeus might just be a big horndog, which I blame entirely on the pressure of politics, the limelight, the media and show biz--intersecting professions if not identical. Poor shmoopie. Not only is there one other woman, but possibly two. His wife is allegedly furious. Ya think??? This is such a lame story, I can't bear it.

Saw the trailer for Les Miserables and I'm filled with despair when I confess a desire to see it. Damn you, Anne Hathaway.

Exercise and sin journal: Ran 4 miles. Walked 3 miles. Ate 1/3 Snickers bar and practically nothing else--maybe mac and cheese.

Sons of Anarchy watchers: Did EVERYONE from The Shield migrate to this show? No complaints here. I like to see good actors employed. Plus, Dish never turns down the chance to see epic geezer sex between Katey Sagal and Jimmy Smits.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Dish Thoughts During Skyfall:

The Adele song sounds boring out of context but is perfect for this movie.

Daniel Craig keeps running fast to save the day--I need to step up my game and stop jogging like I'm 100.

Bond spends entire night boozing it up--Oh god, I feel so much better. I do the same only it's my brain that keeps me intoxicated, not scotch. 85% of the time, I feel crappy in the morning from my shenanigans.

Perfect casting for Ralph Fiennes and Javier Bardem. Javier has a knack for spewing weirdness in one movie, then dashing romance in another. How does he do that? Must investigate the chameleon within Dish.

After Bond's physical, the doc says he has addictions, alcohol and pills--I feel so much better about my own medicating.

Warning: Just as greeting cards mostly mock your age, there are tons of age jokes about Bond. His skin is indeed leathery. This helps me deal with my own wrinkleswho am I kidding, I want to get Botox.

During one of the many times Bond takes off his shirt, I think: If he can be that built at 44, I can do the same. I can barely open a jar of mayonnaise. Note to self: stop eating mayonnaise. Bond probably doesn't. Will strengthen the bod so that I can be ready for my spy job as head of the CIA.

Bond takes an elevator ride by jumping and holding on to the bottom of the car--F*ck, I could never do that but now I'll stop whining about being afraid of heights. Why do spies always dangle in mid-air???

He and M drive all night to desolate area in Scotland--Where did they piss?

The movie is: too long, still satisfying because of the trifecta of DC/Dame Judi/Bardem. Tenderhearts: there is some heartbreak but go see it anyway. And now I'm going to look for a Bond bloopers. I would like, for once, to see them giggling over the cheesiness of this franchise.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Banging the Biographer

I don't like where our country is headed. First that South Carolina politician cheats with an Argentinian "soulmate." Tiger Woods knocks boots with everyone (mainly strippers and PR reps). Now Patraeus has an affair with a biographer, a learned person? Things are going downhill fast. Who will run the CIA? Nominate Dish. I've been watching Homeland so I'm up to speed. I can make hard decisions, hang out with Claire Danes and Mandy Patinkin, and I'm not a cheater. No, not even if you put Duran Duran, Daniel Craig, Gale Harold in front of me. No dice and EWWWWW. See? Totally ready for steely CIA work.

Just realized tonight that Goodfellas is the straight boy's Notting Hill. It's like coming home for TG.

Kat von D and deadmau5 split, as did Justin Bieber, Selena Gomez. Now I don't have to be horrified when imagining Biebs and Selena having sex. You know you have, too. We're so sick.

Friday, November 09, 2012

When Did the News Become an Op Ed?

I can't watch most news shows anymore--except Anderson and Wolf Blitzer and I don't know why. Maybe it's all the white hair reminds me of Santa Claus. But Rachel Maddow, Keith Olbermann (when he was on TV), Don Lemon, Jack Cafferty do long ultra-smirky monologues that compel me to turn in another direction. I agree with everything Rachel Maddow says, just the delivery makes me flip the channel. I watch Fox news and their rants are not so eloquent, therefore I can listen and quietly make fun of them. Nightly news is okay, I guess. Just give me the facts. No flourish, no ironic lilt, no outrage. The liberals are erudite, yet exceedingly self-righteous to me. I listen and want to stomp on flowers, use too much power, just to add balance to the world. I probably need a vacation.

Rachel Maddow was utterly charming on The Colbert Report last night. I thought, I could totally be friends with her. Her show is just not my thing. But I do admire her and appreciate that she has her own show and that everyone loves her. She is way smarter than I am. She loves what she does and it shows. I would like to emanate that somehow, too.

When I came home, there was a bouquet of red roses on my desk. Boy, did I emanate. There's nothing like a bouquet of flowers to put me in a great mood. That TG is some charmer. This bouquet means a lot because TG doesn't believe in giving flowers since they die, so why spend the money. A plastic toy Cupid launcher is far more valuable. Isn't he sweet?
48 hours until Skyfall.

Thursday, November 08, 2012

TG and I Are Obsessed with Candice Delong

Every time she's on TV, this former FBI profiler has a new hairdo and fabulous insight into the minds of killers. And check out those probing blue eyes. They pull you in and say, "I am not making you pancakes for breakfast, Jackson." I don't know where that came from This foxy g-lady is direct, no-nonsense and full of truth. She's blond. Brunette. Hair short. Hair long. Bangs. She is the scary woman who goes into the bathroom to cut her hair so that she'll go undetected...or noticed right away. What's more, she is poised for TV. She hostesses Deadly Women and a number of other killer babe shows that TG and I adore. 

Ever since...well, a month ago, I can't seem to stop staring at the walls. I figure after Sandy, NancyNoreaster, my unusual workload and this very long election, I'm allowed to be out of my mind for a while. I'm sticking to those simple pleasures: talking to Dishbrother and father-in-law on the phone, ironing TG's shirts, picking out clothes for the next day, making the bed. Maybe Skyfall will resurrect me this weekend. Sure, Daniel Craig is my fave Bond, but it's not a love thing (maybe a little--I've adored him since Layer Cake). If you know the true Dish Psyche, the one that melts over all Die Hard, Lethal Weapon, Seagal, Van Dammness, you understand it's the testosterone-action-exploding-car-awesome-reflexes I can't live without. Plus, Judi Dench could put me on a leash and I would bark and fetch for her till the cows come home.

Today's confession: I watched last night's Couples Therapy and cried my eyes out. Alex's "confrontation" with her sweet mother was so real! Damn you, Dr. Jen. We're all just trying to get through this crazy life... and on TV is always better.

Wednesday, November 07, 2012

What Happened?

So yeah, something happened yesterday but I forget what it is, I was so busy watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills aka a fantastic antidote for the election venom. Now I thoroughly understand why people flee real life to watch reality TV. It's *so* not what our lives are like.

God bless Lisa, Adrienne, Yolande, Scary Mess, Brandi, Kyle, and the Drunk One. I am so ready to pull up a seat and lose myself in RHoBH after months and months of election coverage. Oh and what coverage it was. Here's Dish's roundup:

Anderson Cooper: Cute as a bug's ear.
Diane Sawyer: Allegedly wasted during coverage. Everyone's talking about it. I just think she had bad Botox and couldn't move any part of her face except for her mouth. You be the judge. Dish often talks like this after three hours of sleep. No, just rewatched. She was completely sh*tfaced.
John King: So in love with his board, it made me crazy. I kept watching him because I felt sorry for how obsessed he got. Then today he stood on same stage as ex-wife Dana Bash and both stuttered. Awwwwkkkkwarrrd.
Fox News: You know straight away who they're rooting for and I accept that, which makes the watch entertaining as sh*t.
Jon Stewart: I'm sorry, but this was not a time for funny. Lost interest after three minutes of shtick.
Donald Trump: His post-election Twitter diarrhea was hilarious! I see his purpose in the world. For us to ridicule him.

My bottom line is that I forgive Ohio for existing in 1991. Now we can go back to celebrities. Modern Family's Ariel Winter got out of dodge after allegedly living with an abusive mother. If I were her, I'd make a beeline for Sofia Vergara, who is awesomeness itself.

I heard a rumor that People is choosing Channing Tatum as its Sexiest Man Alive. Finally, a choice that is relevant and not so five years ago. Though he doesn't hold a candle to TG.

Tuesday, November 06, 2012

White Knuckle Time!

Are you on pins and needles or what?

I Just Voted

I did, by the way, but it wasn't fun. The volunteers helping on my block (bless them, but still) were absolute morons and sent me every which way. I'm sure my paper ballot blew away into someone's waste can, but still...

So, you know how people are wearing stickers that say, "I just voted." Dish is having evil, evil fantasies of a sticker that says "I just farted." I didn't, but still...

Evil, evil. The stress of the election is hitting hard.

Monday, November 05, 2012

Vote-Eve (Candles + Anderson)360

Dish loves algebraic expression (see above). I feel so much excitement over the election. Cannot wait to pull an all-nighter tomorrow to watch for results. The Cosmic Goddess has listened to my heart's yearning (a little less running around, svp) and gifted me with a week of paid productive sloth. Make no mistake, I will still run my ass off, thanks to reading LΓΌc Carl's excellent The Drunk Diet--a rocker's manifesto to get healthy. I will work until my eyes bleed and I need to run to Duane Reade to get reading glasses to go on top of my thick coke-bottled specs for my near-sightedness. I am that much of a psychotic workaholic and running junkie. I will listen to The CG's lessons, make the most of Sandy's dust.

And I will be well rested enough to vote tomorrow. I was going to secretly not vote because had my schedule been a normal one, I wouldn't have been able to until after 7pm, which is my prime blowing-off period.

Okay, Obama, I'll sign up for 4 more years. But we know who I'm secretly voting for.

Sunday, November 04, 2012

Poor Leo. Why Do We Care about His Love Life?

Because he dates beautiful models, preferably from the Victoria Secret catalog, which Dish reads religiously. He just discarded another one. I love that I'm never surprised when I see him out with another luscious blond--or that you can always count on the 3 for 1 deals on striped thongs, the free coupon for underpants during your birthday month. Leonardo's taste in women is as regular as his choice in movies -- mostly Scorcese. Can you believe that McConaughey was the top contender for Jack in Titanic? That would have been awesome. I never liked Leo in that role because he looked about twelve. Now, he's maybe 30. Okay, I'll admit, I had a little pervy Leo crush for about a month around Titanic time (who didn't? Oh, Dishmama, that's who) but then felt very cradle-robby and gross. The best acting Leo did since Gilbert Grape was in The Departed and Revolutionary Road. Just my opinion.

So, Dish is contemplating seeing a past life expert. Isn't that so Shirley MacLaine? There has to be a reason why I love the music of The Four Seasons. And Ancient Rome, I love that empire circa 44BC-14AD. I took 9 years of Latin, which dovetailed nicely with my obsession with Egypt. For why? I want to find out because I was totally Cleopatra, beyotches.