Wednesday, March 31, 2010

My Neck Is Getting Wrinkly From Age But Whatever

Dish went to her secret cave to view Law-Abiding Citizen starring Oscar winner Jaime Fox and beer-soaked Gerard Butler. I heart revenge stories and this is a doozy. When Gerard loses his wife and daughter (hee hee, we know in real life he's a childless gigolo!) and the murderers get off (not in the good way), he gets piiisssseeeeeddddd! You know, Gerard is a talented actor. He's fallen prey to Jude Law syndrome, i.e. doing a sh*tload of sub-standard movies in one year. Dish thoroughly enjoyed the flick but it's no Citizen Kane (although, not my very favorite). Rent LAC if you like seeing justice served illegally. Then rent The Brave One, which is far better. (GB does show abs in one scene.) biggest news of all is that: Gale Harold wrote to me. It's like a dream come true and I'm pretending it wasn't a mass email. Gale didn't sign the email "Love, Gale" but just a simple "Thank You," which could be construed as "love" if you really think about it. Most of all, he wanted to make sure that I voted for Fay Ann Lee for the White House Project's Emerging Artist Award. You should vote for her too, though Dish feels she's already emerged.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Dish Is Puzzle Junkie

Dish is weighing in on the people weighing in on the Sandra/Jesse marriage. Dr. Drew calls Jesse a "sex addict" and Sandra a "love addict"--(sexist?). I'm wondering how many hours he's spent with them or if his conclusion about Sandra was made from watching: While You Were Sleeping or Hope Floats, where she is in her pajamas, whining about the past. The girl stays fairly private about her life. Usually, Dr. Drew seems rational to me. It must be pretty offensive to the stars to have "addict" slapped on them. If Jesse James is a sex addict, every slut-bag in college is one, too. You know Dr. Phil has a cheating segment all set up. No one knows these people, really. It's sad that The Sandra mystique is more intoxicating now that she's in an undisclosed location. I hope she stays there until America stops caring about her love life, which will be in five minutes. Maybe in a year, we'll remember that she won an Oscar!

Pamela Potpourri

Dish was on the treadmill and accidentally watched The Price of Beauty, where Jessica Simpson and her peeps go to India. In one episode, Jessica helps this girl with a cleft palate get surgery. Tres heartwarming. I expected so much less from Jessica. Can see why the show is tanking--it contains substantial information about other cultures! American audiences like America.

Dancing with the Stars: Love Shannen and Pamela. Pam is the only one having a real blast on the show. Everyone else has issues. I hope she wins but think it'll be the Pussycat Doll. TG is for Buzz Aldrin all the way.

This is 24's last season. No more repetition of "With all due respect..." and Jack's saying "Nucular." But how will I survive without Jack Bauer?

Realized today that Dr. Oz = Dr. TG b/c they have same birthday (6/11) and are doctors. They may not resemble one another in the slightest, but both are full of information. Today, Dr. Oz taught me to put crushed banana on my hair to maintain its health.

Last hit: Fay Ann Lee is nominated for The White House Project's Emerging Artist Award. Go vote for her for her wonderful work with (Gale Harold) Falling For Grace. It takes no time at all.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Ricky Martin Is Gay, Dish Is a Cupcakeosexual!

It's not a big surprise or a burning issue that Ricky Martin is now out to the world. The real problem is that TG refuses to believe it, even though RM said as much on his website.

So Happy Passover! Dish ruined her celebration by eating a levened bagel, spaghetti, and a cupcake (I exercised). I'll make up for it by hitting the gefilte fish hard.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Did He Cry?

TGbrother is tormenting me, claiming that "Simon Le Bone cried like a baby" after being rescued by the chopper when he totaled his yacht in 1985. Yes, he was crying because the yacht was uninsured! He is a man with his priorities in the right place. He wasn't crying over his potential loss of life, fear of castration by Jaws. If I pissed 4 million dollars into the ocean, I'd cry me a river.

Dish was in London at the time, having just taken a stroll down Carnaby Street to buy Duran Duran memorabilia. I remember the news coverage like it was yesterday. To think, a world without Simon...

Everyone needs to accept: Duran Duran is excellence personified.

The Hangover: Woody and Warren

Dish is a lightweight. Yestereve, a beer was consumed along with 1/2 a bag of Cheetos. This toxic mix induced a deep slumber. [insert wavy dream lines here]

I'm at an awards banquet surrounded by stars (especially OMPs). Warren Beatty is on one side, Woody Allen on the other--two great icons of my childhood. A bowl of fruit, mostly grapes, sits in front of me. My plan is to chat up Warren because of Reds and Bullworth, but WB has no interest in me--just like he had no interest in Madonna after experiencing her fame-whore ways in Truth or Dare. I turn to Woody, who is fiddling with his Crackberry. Here is our conversation:

D: OMG, I just got a new phone and it's like heroin.
W: [endless gesturing] I know. It's...I'm...I just can't put it down.
D: OMG, forget it, I'm like playing solitaire and emailing my mother at both her email addresses at the same time. [a lie since Dish only emails DM at one address and has never been able to multi-task on a phone]
W laughs his face off because my comment is THAT funny.

A server comes by to bring us plates of more fruit, this time apples in the shape of stars. As I wake up, I think my colon has never been healthier.

Even though Woody slept with his daughter (though he did marry her), he was far friendlier at the banquet.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

District Dish

I was just thinking: it's one thing to find out your husband is a big cheater but more annoying is the endless press Sandra is getting--and not for her work. Can you imagine? Sandra is a class act for not saying a word. She should focus on stuffing her face, watching sappy romantic comedies (many of which she's in), and sleeping. Oh, and hiring a divorce lawyer. Sandra said her work got better after meeting her soon-to-be-ex, but she's wrong. It's the whole body of work that counts. She was fab before meeting him, during and after. What about Speed, Crash (a movie I hated but I liked her in it) and her delicious performances in really-bad-but-you-have-to-watch-when-they're-on-TV romantic comedies like The Lake House and Two Weeks Notice? Okay, I'll stop now because TG is getting scared of my emotional attachment to this situation. I want her to get through this.

We started to watch District 9 but found it so allegorical as to be unwatchable.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Some Women Look Better After 40 (or even 50)

After a day of Damages: Season 2, I've made conclusions:

TG is probably better off reading his New York Times while I fry my brain.

Glenn Close looks amazing and is the only one who can wear pinstripe suits. She makes 45+ seem like the beginning of one's starlet years.

I don't know if I like Timothy anything!

Because Damages features such a strong woman at its helm, I'm inspired to pull my sh*t together every damn day (I give it five minutes). Yes, heels. Yes, suit and contact lenses. Yes, straighten gorgeous hair. Well, Dish desperately needs a haircut and freshening first. JJ?

Darryl Hammond plays a freaky assassin and he should stick to SNL. Boy cannot do drama. I keep waiting for a punchline but props to him (no props to me for saying props) for stretching.

Wish Rose Byrne were a more interesting actress. Nice beauty, no personality.

Tate Donovan reminds me of Sandra Bullock since they were once an item and did Love Potion #9 together. Sigh. It's all about Sandra. My only consolation is that she is more successful than any of her leading men. SANDRA FOREVER!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Put the Stars Back in the Cupboard

Beloved TG is freaked out by my mourning the Bullock/James scandal, as if it were happening to me. He says, "This is just the tip of the iceberg." That's true, but here's proving I have stuff in the brain:

Obama, health care, Glenn Beck and pope prostitution ring, Tiger second press conference, Wall Street not affected by health care bill, Baudelaire had syphillis and slept with whores, Palin Discovery channel show about Alaska, puppies help people deal with depression but they poop everywhere, Christina Aguilera went to see Puppetry of the Penis, Valtrex, Rushdie's The Satanic Verses put me to sleep but loved Midnight's Children, which I read in Post-Colonial Theory class. Cialis, Celebrex, Republicans are becoming so violent toward the government, Osama Bin Laden allegedly released a new tape--maybe he'll win a Grammy this time, old lady perfume is comforting to me since both my grandmothers bathed in it, loving The Happiness Project though Gretchen Rubin might be too Type A (Dish is doing the Try Not to Pick Nose Even If It's Packed Project), and Ben Affleck is helping the East Congo.

The Aguilera and Affleck just snuck in. Real Housewives of NYC tonight! Bethenny is marrying her (hideous) fiance this weekend. I hate them, but wish them joy. Really.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Let's Talk About Sex

Rumors of a lipstick lesbian relationship: The Biggest Loser's Jillian Michaels (she has an excellent workout DVD with lots of squats) & Vanessa Marcil (from General Hospital). I love this pairing. It breathes life into boring Hollywood hookups. This romance could be total fabrication but let's dream a little.

Another Jesse James Ho has come forward. I want a divorce! Sandra, do not go back to him. The Millionaire Matchmaker says, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." Remember: Cheating = (hygiene issues + STDs) x N (where N = # of Hos).

TG keeps asking, "When is the next Sex and the City movie?" His eagerness borders on obsessive. Rest assured, we'll all be satisfied come May 2010. Best of all, Aidan (the one Carrie SHOULD have chosen) will be in it! Mr. Big may be sexy but Aidan didn't dump her repeatedly for six seasons.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Divorce...and Dancing!

I'll admit, deep sadness fills my heart since the news broke about Jesse James cheating on our Sandra. I liked them as a couple. While I knew Sandra like the back of my hand, I grew to like Jesse as a wise and earnest worker on Celebrity Apprentice. The best part: they got married on my birthday, and now that day is forever tainted. I dream of a few years going by, Jesse's been celibate since such a devastating loss, they meet again at a party, talking ensues, coffee and work-out dates, then blissful reunion. But Mommy and Daddy will never get back together, I know. I just thought I'd share my pain.

Fun: Last night's Dancing with the Stars. I'm rooting for Pammy and Shannen.

Getting famouser by the second: Dish discovered a link that is one step away from Julia (maybe two steps). I'm friends with someone who's friends with the author of Eat Pray Love, the movie starring Julia. I can't breathe.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Someday I'm Going To Look In The Mirror...

...and realize I am a jackass.

I Think Keanu Might Have Had a Face Lift

Rent The Private Lives of Pippa Lee directed by Rebecca Miller. Keanu is "35." No amount of "diet and exercise" can make him shed 10 years so easily (wonder how loud I will laugh in theater if Julia is "34" in Eat Pray Love). It's a little spooky how waxy Keanu looks but I applaud his performance. He could have done much more sh*t in his career and he chooses a variety of roles. Long live Keanu even if his face is smooth and tight.

Dish made a little faux pas, which I'm now publicizing. In the movie, I thought Alan Arkin's first wife was played by a pulled and stuffed Isabelle Adjani. Turns out, it was Monica Bellucci, who is too gorgeous for this earth. It would have been sooo awkward to cast Isabelle since she doinked Daniel Day Lewis in his prime, bore their love child Gabriel Kane, then he went off and married the writer/director Rebecca. Talk about Bruce/Ashton/Demi. Crisis averted!

Bottom line: I love it when Robin Wright Penn works (and that she STETs the lines in her forehead). It's a nice reward for marriage with Sean Penn. I hope she pulls a Nicole Kidman and wins an Oscar now they're divorcing. Her household will be far more hygienic. Though I love Sean Penn, too.

Sunday, March 21, 2010


John Barrowman on Desperate Housewives! An excellent villain! I saw him on some show a few years back and thought he was bad. Then he became this star on Torchwood and this instant is breathing life into DH. I only wish the Drea Matteo storyline were more interesting.

Dish's Stance on Health Care

Today was the big vote on Health Care, an issue that has lingered like a wet cat fart. As a campaign issue, Obama's better health care seemed so exciting. He did a great job of making Hillary, W. and everyone before him seem incompetent. Health care has been debated to the point where a paltry compromise has been reached. Most important, it's sad to me that not everyone can get a prescription for Ativan and Xanax; those in lower income brackets need these drugs the most. Even great healers, like House and Nurse Jackie, need drugs, and my nurse friend says medical professionals get crappy care. I'm with the liberals on this issue, casting my vote for the public option since experiencing it for a few years in France--the only country that diagnosed my (minor) heart problem, fixed my diet and cured all sorts of ailments without fanfare or great expense. Here, I pay far too much for a dermatologist to look at the freckles on my ass. And I am insured.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Soup Tolerance

I don't like soup or sea creatures, but last night's desperate hunger compelled me toward a mug of seafood chowder. It was so good, I might try it again someday. On my down time in Pensacola, I admired my slender physique while simultaneously viewing Celebrity Fit Club, where has-beens go to slim down and make a pathetic last stab at stardom. I was amazed by how sympathetic K-Fed was. After the Britney divorce, he blew up to K-Fat. On the show, he is sober and hard-working, even charming. Is this the same douche who left his pregnant girlfriend for Britney Spears? Maybe people mature, see their mediocrity and try to better themselves. Then there are others who just go downhill fast, like Nicole Eggert. She's not fat at 125 lbs but does have that dead look of someone who lives in a bottle. By contrast, Shar Jackson, who was dissed by K-Fed, is luminous and perky. Some of the stars don't make weight because they're undisciplined and spoiled. They haven't learned the art of anorexia during privotal times, i.e. weddings, wrestling matches. After my day-long fast, I'll never go hungry again.

Friday, March 19, 2010

En Route

Dish is a spastic traveler. As I waited to board my plane, I realized I'd packed my DVD player but no DVDs. Quickly, I ran to an airport entertainment center and grabbed Wimbledon. I might already own it, which scares me. Why would I buy it even once, much less twice? I finished the tennis flick on the first leg of my journey. Did I mention I left my cell phone in the airport? And God forbid I go through two seconds in the air without entertainment. In Atlanta, after buying 30$ worth of beverages and food I wouldn't consume, I darted to another entertainment center, where I snatched Law Abiding Citizen, starring Jamie Foxx and Gerard Butler at twice the normal price. I enjoy explosions and revenge stories and the cashier seemed sad that I was poised to purchase Did You Hear About the Morgans? You'll be relieved to know my seat-mate chatted endlessly about his turning 21 all the way to Pensacola. I asked his opinion about the Sandra Bullock/Jesse James issue and he didn't know who they were. Some people live under rocks.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

It's Not Easy Being Green

As I write this, TG is rolling on the floor in ecstasy over the fact that Dishmama wrote a longer email to him than to me. It's bond-building and some people need more TLC than others. And now he's happy that we get to babysit Dishstepfather in a week and won't stop giggling over the fun we'll have. But enough of that: What about Sandra Bullock? She moved out of the marital home and her ass-husband admitted to his flaws. I hate Jesse James for ruining her Oscar glow, truly shitty. She will prove once again that she's just fine all by herself. Maybe she and Keanu Reeves will have some cozy rebound time. It's my dream.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Celebrity gossip that makes us happy we're not so messed up!

What seems to be true:

OMP Kevin Costner has donated his wrinkly sperm to yet another cause: Baby #6. He's getting up into Steven Seagal/Mel Gibson territory with his brood. Overpopulation is not a problem.

Amy Poehler is pregs with Baby #2. Let's hope this sidelines her show Parks and Recreation, which makes me sleep.

What could be a pack of lies:

Sandra Bullock's once-interesting husband Jesse James might be implicated in an affair, which is why he's no longer interesting. This is evidence of the Oscar curse, at least for women. The husbands seem to cheat or get Erectile Dysfunction after the female spouse wins: Halle, Reese, Hillary, Julia, Kate (see next point), Gwyneth, now Sandra!

Sam Mendes might be the cause of the split with Kate Winslet as rumors circulate that he's been stepping out with Rebecca Hall. Now must IMDB her. It's okay because he's a fat slob since American Beauty and Kate's gorgeous.

With It Again

...TG and I started watching The Hangover, which has TG in fits of giggles. He's at the dentist so I can cleanse from the boy humor vapors. I just hate it when Mike Tyson makes cameo appearances. After the sexual assault and ear-biting incident, he gives me the willies. Otherwise, I'll admit I find the flick amusing.

As for celeb news, Britney Spears and her BF broke up, but Dish isn't surprised. He was too old for her. Now am watching Falling for Grace again and still fuming that I have to miss the NYC screening with Q&A. It's like when I had to stay in school while Duran Duran toured in 1984. A couple years later, an arch nemesis met John Taylor at a party. I miss everything and I've never been upgraded to First Class! It's probably for the best.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Screenless Vacation

The Fates have conspired against me. My internet access is minimal and my screen time has been non-existent, save for some late-night Will & Graces. The closest thing I've had to celebrity news is TG Senior passing me The Wall Street Journal today. I understood nothing.

I hope the celebrity world is quiet until I return, though by that time, my detox may be complete.

Monday, March 15, 2010


Kate Winslet and Sam Mendes are divorcing. Shocking! I feel bad for them but they both make me snooze (except loved Kate in The Holiday and Extras). I hope they get through it in one piece. 7 years is a long time for Hollywood.

Golden Dish

Dish lay by the pool, with Miami sun beating down on ghostly skin. TG was off at the DMV, TG Senior went to work, and I pondered last night's Desperate Housewives. Thank goodness Dana Delaney didn't cave to hetero pressure. It did mean something to sleep with that ex-stripper, Julie Benz. Vacation can be so hard. Especially hard is the notion of Dish in a swimsuit. I bought something fashionable not structurally sound. As I did the breast stroke for one lap, I realized parts of me had escaped.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Miami Sound Machine

Dish is living the life of a sober rock star in Miami, with a gorgeous view of water and palm trees. On the plane yesterday, I flipped through US and People, learned so much about Kate Gosselin and Jake The Bachelor who are on Dancing with the Stars. I’m already against Kate for her new weave. I prefer the porcupine hairdo because it was different and now she’s like fertile Barbie. Why do these strange people invade our televisions? Why can’t real stars be the celebrities again? Thank goodness, I had Disc 2 of Nurse Jackie. Edie Falco is a real star and she could easily kill Kate in talent and class (but not in baby-making).

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Dish's Bon Voyage

As luck would have it, Dish just turned on the TV to see Steven Seagal in Belly of the Beast. This means my trip to Miami will go well. Sure, Steven has swallowed a water buffalo in his efforts to recover his precious cargo, but he's my travel good luck charm.

More Gale Harold heartbreak, on March 19th, Falling for Grace is showing in NYC with the actors appearing for Q&A. Dish will be away on business that weekend! So awful and unjust.

What makes up for this, TG is giving me his window seat on the plane. It's so unlike Drew Barrymore's fiance in The Wedding Singer. Hope there's a celeb on the plane.

Friday, March 12, 2010

A Slow Day in Celebrity

The world of America is abuzz that Jeremy Renner might be gay. Dish doesn't care where he sticks it but let's hope his career continues its upward trend. When the gay rumors start, you've made it. Why do you think I put The L Word on my Amazon Wish List? My girl crush on Jennifer Connelly has only been to boost my popularity levels.

Dish leaves for Miami tomorrow to visit and meet TG Senior. While we're there, I hope we run into Gloria Estefan, Nathan Lane and Robin Williams in The Bird Cage, Miami Vice and Madonna from the late 1980s. Speaking of Madonna, I saw her on The Marriage Ref. She was adorable, as was Ricky Gervais, but the show sucks! I think Madonna was a guest only because Jerry Seinfeld loaned her his Hamptons mansion where she could have secret love meetings with A's Rod. I hope NBC pulls this stinker off the air STAT.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

All She Had to Do Was Lactate To Get on the Front Page

Dish needs to take more drastic measures to become famous. New York chef Daniel Angerer used his wife's breast milk to make a special cheese and she landed on the front page of yesterday's Post. Supporters argued that we drink cow milk, so of course, Angerer's wife is a cow and let's drink her nectar. I'm fine with it but wonder if the husband is depriving his baby and depleting his wife's resources (let's call her Bessie since Dish is too lazy to look up her name) all to make the news and promote his restaurant. When Bessie switches to formula, where will the milk come from?

As an alternative, Dish presents a never-ending source of culinary delights. In some cultures, urine is sacred. On Friends, pee takes the sting out of a Monica's jelly fish bite. In Waterworld, Kevin Costner converts his mellow yellow into drinking water. Since Dish drinks three liters of water a day, a new drink has been concocted: The Marti-pee, with olives, gin, and a special ingredient. I won't go into how to make a dirty Marti-pee, but it might involve Vitamin D, B-6 and Centrum.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Amour et Tryste pour President Putain

Je just heard les news que President Sarkozy and his belle femme are doing La Boom Boom avec other people! Ce sont des cheating frogs! Est-ce tu es surprised? Dish n'est pas surprised parce que les francais ne peuvent pas keep their pantalons on. Peut-etre avec this arrangements, ca fait un happy marriage. Je hope qu'ils ne spread pas les STDs et qu'ils utilisent les condoms (Ribbed! I mean, Ribbet!). S'ils veulent etre les dirty frogs, soiez les safe frogs.

Good Medicine

Dish is slightly older than Cory Haim so missed out on the whole heartthrob thing. Very sad that he deteriorated. Hollywood needs to watch the children who go through there (since the parents are obviously messed up!). So many casualties. Blessings on his coming and going.

So, I'm excited about Nurse Jackie, five hundred years after the fact. I didn't want to watch it because of the spurting blood, vomiting, and cadavres. One can see a pill-popping medical professional on House. I was wrong: Nurse Jackie is special. Not only is Edie Falco a pleasure to watch, this series shows the complexity of women's lives: responsibility, reality, secrets (you are my one and only, TG, and that's the truth), physical pain, work, endless layers of emotion, confidences and pills--from vitamins to Vicodin. Love it, hope it runs forever and it's better than House.

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Suing the Babies

Lindsay Lohan is suing eTrade for their commercial depicting a baby "Lindsay" as a "milkaholic." She's asserting this is a reference to her and while her lawyers will have a whale of a time proving it, she has a point! ETrade could have chosen "Julie" or "Roxie" but the reason why the joke works is because of Lohan's drunkenness of the last five years. I hope she wins tons of money because I hate those commercials.

FYI--I'm very sick of Mo'Nique.

Ps. Gerald Butler and Madonna were grinding on the dance floor at an Oscar party. No surprise. When you see Madonna, what else do you do? Even though he needs a bath and her cheek implants frighten me, they make a hot couple.

Monday, March 08, 2010

Oh, and PS....

... Sean Hayes is gay.

Finally. But who cares--Dish respected all along his not wanting to discuss until now. Not everyone needs to flap on and on about their sexuality, unless it's really juicy!

Dish's Awards

Just in case you were curious:

Best Dress: Vera Farmiglia (or however you spell her last name), Sandra Bullock (love hair and dress), Meryl Streep, Maggie Gyllenhaal, honorable mention to J. Lo
Most Hideous Dress: Demi Moore, but only because she looked very spray tanned and therefore the color of her dress
Epic Hair Failure: Almost everyone had the frizzes, SJP
Most Embarrassing Speech: The director of Music by Prudence where that nasty scene-hog interrupted him. She should be killed.
Best Speech: The guy from Up, Sandra Bullock
Worst Sexual Innuendo: Robin Williams talking about squeezing balls
Best Joke of the Night: Ben Stiller's Avatar spoof
Drunkest: George Clooney's girlfriend
Most Stoned: Morgan Freeman, Judd Nelson, Mark Anthony
Biggest Triumph: Uh, duh, Kathryn Bigelow winning!
Speech Worthy of Kleenex: Uh, duh, Kathryn Bigelow winning!
How Many Times Haiti and Chile Are Mentioned: Very few times, which is troubling, since audiences thrive on celebrity self-promotion through fake altruism and opinion about global issues
Did Alec and Steve Succeed? Was not totally wowed.

Okay, Dish's spray tan is fading already.

Do Bad, Then Go To Rehab, Jail or...Haiti!

If you cheat on your sick wife, father another woman's child, and ruin your chances at becoming prez, GO TO HAITI!

Naomi Campbell is following suit after abusing the help again. She's done rehab and community service already so next month she's headed to Haiti. If she slugs limo drivers and assistants, wonder what she'll do in Haiti. I'm envisioning a lovely new beach home built by the blood and sweat of earthquake victims...

Sunday, March 07, 2010

Star Sighting: Party of Dish

5:20 pm, 19th and 7th: It pays to go to the deli since you might run into a celebrity. As I took home my goods, I brushed past Paula Devicq who played Matthew Fox's tormented girlfriend in Party of Five (aka Party of Weepy Losers) a decade ago. A Canadian, she looked amazing--lots of eyeliner, denim, and funky teased out blond hair.

She eyed me distastefully.

Unofficial Oscars

Dish is going platinum Godiva blonde for the occasion!

What will win?

Best Dress:
Most Hideous Dress:
Epic Hair Failure:
Most Embarrassing Speech:
Best Speech:
Worst Sexual Innuendo:
Best Joke of the Night:
Most Stoned:
Biggest Triumph:
Speech Worthy of Kleenex:
How Many Times Haiti and Chile Are Mentioned:
Did Alec and Steve Succeed?

Dish's Official Ballot

Here's what I think will win:

Leading Actor: Jeff Bridges in Crazy Heart (should have won for An American Heart 100 years ago)
Supporting Actor: Christoph Waltz in Inglourious Basterds (groan, he’s going to make another very annoying speech)
Leading Actress: Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side (though really want Gabourey to win; Meryl might upset, which might make her record winner for Oscars)
Supporting Actress: Mo’Nique in Precious
Animated Feature: Up
Art Direction: Avatar
Cinematography: Avatar
Costume Design: The Young Victoria (period piece)
Directing: The Hurt Locker
Documentary Feature: The Cove (b/c Nick Rhodes says so)
Document Short: China’s Unnatural Direaster: The Tears of Sichuan Province
Film Editing: The Hurt Locker
Foreign Language Film: Un Proph├Ęte (lots of violence in this year's choices but it is foreign language film)
Makeup: Star Trek (prosthetic wins)
Original Score: Avatar (I see you)
Original Song: “The Weary Kind” from Crazy Heart
Short Animated Film: Granny O’Grimm’s Sleeping Beauty
Short Live Action: Instead of Abracadabra (all the rest are freaking depressing and about children so I feel they will cancel each other out and this lighter one will win)
Sound Editing: The Hurt Locker (gunfire)
Sound Mixing: The Hurt Locker
Visual Effects: Avatar (Smurfs raping birds)
Adapted Screenplay: Precious (keep thinking of the dog in Silence of the Lambs)
Original Screenplay: The Hurt Locker
Best Picture: Avatar (Hurt Locker could upset but James Cameron would be pissed. It would be refreshing if he didn’t win)

Saturday, March 06, 2010

Cry Baby

I'm not into Johnny Depp. This goes against a commandment (thou shalt love Obama, Meryl Streep, Tom Hanks, Steven Spielberg, Ron Howard, Clint Eastwood, Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins, Cate Blanchett, Robert DeNiro, Al Pacino, Denzel Washington, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Julia Roberts, George Clooney, and Morgan Freeman) since he "chooses interesting roles," doesn't shower, is the Sexiest Man Alive, lives in France and doesn't care about the establishment. I love the crazy hotel-room-destroying Johnny of the 90s, but now he's all acty and Tim Burton has turned his best efforts into a pretentious freak show. That said, he usually makes me smile when he's on screen.

Michael Mann doesn't do Johnny any favors with Public Enemies. Johnny's performance is forgettable and, frankly, I enjoyed the Mark Harmon/Sherilyn Fenn version much better. A TV movie, it didn't pretend to be great. I've decided Mann shouldn't go back in time before the 1990s. You miss the intense music, the slick and bittersweet characterization, the intense melancholy at the end when your favorite hero dies. This one is a bore with great hats. The only fun part was listening to Billy Crudup do a 1930s movie accent.

Friday, March 05, 2010

Hijinks and Hilarity!

I like to think real female friendship is somewhere in between Sex and the City and The Real Housewives of New York City. The XXYs on SATC are so supportive and nurturing, traveling in a four-pack and meeting almost every day for brunch. By contrast, the real NYC housewives meet at random and forced events whereby they claw each other to bits. I'm addicted to both shows, and while, I wouldn't want to befriend these characters (except Kim Catrall, of course!), they are tough broads. I'd drop any of them in a pool with Shamu, fully expecting them to survive (except Carrie).

Now onto cattier topics: Who's going to be a big mess at the Oscars? Will Johnny Depp drop out of The Tourist because his Perpetual-GF doesn't want Angelina using her powerful feminine wiles on him? Angelina cannot be resisted! When will Lil Wayne serve his jail time? Is Charlie Sheen going to jail himself? Why did Elin move back in with Tiger? Is the Bachelor cheating on his lady love or does his ex have a mouth full of sour grapes? Has Gail O'Grady had botox or does she just look fantastic because of good genes? It's so all-consuming.

Thursday, March 04, 2010

Quick Hit

Today was a day so I'll make it quick. Am pissed they cut the kiss between Mariska and Kathy Griffin but kept in the kiss between Chris Meloni and Kathy. So, lesbian kiss = offensive but hetero just fine. Last night's Law & Order: SVU wasn't the great triumph I thought it would be. Kathy is a good actress, drama or comedy, but this wasn't an innovative story or script. Moral of the story: If you a lesbian activist, you will eventually learn you only need a good man in the end.

Dish came home to a box of homemade chocolate from TG, a great reward for my bad day. It makes up for losing my Nano at the gym. No one will turn in my lost technology. At least, the thief get Duran Duran's complete repertoire (along with serious payback)...


Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Duran Duran Deserves an Oscar

If you love DD, listen to the Oscar picks podcast between Nick Rhodes and Katy (Duran Duran goddess). I'll cover highlights: Bangers, mash and Graham Norton on a stick! I [Nick] refuse to sully myself by seeing The Blind Side and Julie & Julia. Great classics of the nineteenth century, I shall fashion myself a Lady Gaga wig and recline to view these treats: Precious, Inglourios Basterds, and The Hurt Locker. Sandra Bullock will never join me for High Tea or a favorable jam session with Timbaland. Dish gets this (i.e. She should have died on the train tracks in While You Were Sleeping) though, as with family members, I love her despite her flaws. Plus, she and I have the same body type. For this reason, I wouldn't mind Sandy winning an Oscar. Reminds me a little of when Julia won for Erin Brockovich, not so hot in my view. And so then Nick was like: Holy Queen Elizabeth's Crown Jewels and Carnaby Street on a Sunday, Jeff Bridges so should've won an Oscar for Tucker. HA! Is he trippin? What about American Heart!? Plus, he was excellent in The Mirror Has Two Faces. The podcast was a little drony, making me realize Nick and I probably wouldn't get along. But I love him to death anyway.

So, Naomi Campbell assaulted the help yet again. Some judge needs to grow a pair and throw that psychotic b*tch in jail. Also, in the name of justice, watch Kathy Griffin on Law & Order: SVU tonight. Her liplock with Mariska will be the kiss felt round the world.

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Duran Duran Deserves an Oscar!

Dish listened to the Oscar picks podcast between Nick Rhodes and Katy (Duran Duran goddess). Must note: Nick hates the idea of seeing The Blind Side and Julie & Julia. He's a bit of a snooty-mcsnoot but I agree about The Blind Side, which seems nauseating. Nick seems to hate Sandra Bullock. Dish loves her in interviews but less so in movies. I wouldn't mind her winning an Oscar since it's really about who's prettiest. Reminds me a little of my feelings about Julia winning for Erin Brockovich, which I didn't think was so hot. I would never keep an Oscar from Julia but it does seem as if movie-of-the-week performances can win Oscars. I can't believe I said that out loud.

Nick thinks Jeff Bridges should have won an Oscar for Tucker. HA! What about American Heart!? He was also excellent in The Mirror Has Two Faces.

The Bachelor--So Familiar and Painful!

Dish couldn't stomach an entire episode of The Bachelor but had to sneak a peek at the finale. Which desperate fame-whore did he choose to share in his soon-to-be untelevised and unremarkable future? This year's bachelor = the guy in college you were in love with, who had important problems and you'd listen to them until four in the morning just for the iota of a chance that he might make out with you. Who did he love instead? The bad girl who didn't care. The only difference is that The Bachelor cries over wilted lettuce. I wish them luck since they are seconds from sad sucking of jello shots to numb the pain of seeing each other's dirty underwear. The woman he chose looks a little like Judith Light. Love Judith.

Monday, March 01, 2010

Where Was My Invitation?

So much going on these days. Let's start with my feelings of betrayal. Falling for Grace premiered in NYC last week and where was Dish? NOT HYSTERICALLY POPPING ALTOIDS AT THE SIGHT OF GALE HAROLD who walked the red carpet. It could have been the nervous breakdown of my dreams but I sat at my desk, whipping TG into shape and checking off my list of tasks.

The one thing that's cheered me up: Our President and former President Bill Clinton supposedly took the time out of their busy schedules to call Tiger Woods and lend their support while he's in sex and Ambien rehab. This touched my heart as nothing else could. I wonder if Roger Clemens got the same phone call when his career went down the toilet over his steroid use and lying in court. Is sex more phone-worthy than drugs? Tiger upped the ante by combining sex and drugs--which is salacious and fun! I think we can do better and combine: sex, drugs, and a good pounding of the face.

So, Dish has given up on Jersey (Herpes) Sore after 50 minutes. Too much vomiting for me. Speaking of which, Leno is back on The Tonight Show this evening.

Positive note: I applaud Desperate Housewives for going the lesbian route last night, which is unexpected in a female-focused show. Dana Delaney didn't fall for the handywoman with a crew cut. She fell for the ex-stripper who spilled champagne on her bra. I'm not complaining since it's the most fun I had since Gale Harold's short tenure on DH. Full circle.