Friday, November 30, 2012

Hey, Anne--Wanna Go to Anthropologie Tomorrow?

Here are Dish's Reasons for Seeing Les Miserables:

The story: A man steals bread and goes to jail. His jailer gets a big boner for him and makes him carry a long flag pole. After his release, the bread-stealer decides to keep stealing but the priest is nice to him (not in that way). BS becomes mayor and befriends a prostitute with short hair who has a cute blond jonbenet daughter who doesn't brush her hair. BS watches the whore-mother die and carries jonbenet off into the night. Meanwhile, the Oz Jailer chases BS and whips out his sword. BS keeps showing Oz mercy (but not his wang). Jonbenet grows up beautiful and falls for a soldier, the one who spent the week with Marilyn Monroe. It's love at first sight and BS is not-miserable anymore since he can marry the girl off so he can join the whore in heaven. Oz Jailer is so upset in general that he jumps off a bridge. Somewhere there is fighting. Vive la France!

Anne Hathaway blows away Oscar competition for Best Supporting Actress with just one song. The weight loss and short hair were worth it! In the star-studded Q&A after the screening, I realized with a start that Anne and I are now imaginary best friends! Julia and I have drifted apart since Larry Crowne--plus, with how Anne sat, with the voices inside her head still speaking, I can tell she's got a touch of the crazy--like Dish!

Hugh Jackman is just as Hugh-ey as you could imagine, and cute as a bug's ear. Criticism: He gets hammy in parts and he's not PRETTY enough in this movie. The hair alone made me shudder with revulsion. If he'd only pulled a Wolverine, it might have been sexy. Remember: acting is attracting.

Russell Crowe acts with just an eye twitch. I've forgiven him now for the phone-throwing. His performance is astonishing and effortless--his singing, well, I would have trained a bit more for those notes. It seemed out of his comfort zone. And yet, next to Anne, he is my favorite in the movie.

Amanda Seyfried: Lovely. Looked hungry on stage.

Eddie Redmayne: Adorable and lovely voice. Nicely done Marius.

Samantha Banks: Winning. Fabulous debut. Though look at her skinny bitch waist. I hate her!

Helena Bonham Carter: As Dishbrother says, "Where was her costume?" Easy transition from Tim Burton to 19th Century Paris.

Sacha Baron Cohen: You should have seen TG's glow during his scenes. Sacha is a scene-stealer.

The biggest star of all: sound and set design. I'd never seen Les Miz before because the soundtrack didn't float my sails. I cried like a baby most of the way through this version. It's a tad boring in spots. Some camera work could have been done on my iPad, but overall, a triumph. Hard to say if it's going to be this year's Titanic (long, sappy movie that touches everyone's hearts). I'm mostly blown away by the work involved in creating this movie and the fabulous performances.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

How I'm Going to Be Famous

I've made a command decision. The way for me to get on TMZ is if I run my face into Lindsay Lohan's fist. She is brilliant at getting arrested and picked on (see today's news). Why not ride on her coattails? This will also attract the attention of my alleged true father Michael Lohan. The idea of bruising my porcelain skin does make me crave a comforting Snickers, but it's worth the extra weight on my ass a black eye if my name can be in lights. Please, Lindsay, you frozen-faced nightmare of a drunk? I don't really mean this, but isn't it worth a good POW in the jaw?

More bad behavior: Whitney/Bobby progeny broke up with her sort-of brother, to whom she was engaged, and wrecked her car. Whatever happened to reading self-help when you're depressed? Est, anyone? I'm signing her up for Dianetic testing right this second. Or...she needs a good dose of Dolly Parton who charmed the dickens out of Colbert on Tuesday night. Now there's someone who works.

Cheating: There is no longevity in celebrity marriages--with the exception of Gwen Stefani, whose cuteness should enthrall a spouse for 50 years. She goes the extra mile by appearing in full makeup at all times. Even Julia Roberts has a crush on her which means I do, too. With Gwen's perfection, why would Gavin Rossdale grab the nanny's ass? It could be innocent.

Robbing the Cradle of Civilization: If you've been living under a rock, the Middle East isn't fighting right now, which means it's safe for Kim Kardashian to go there and brush up. Just as important, Demi is boinking a boy half her age.If she hadn't married Ashton, I'm sure we wouldn't care. She was good in Margin Call.

Dish is off to see Les Miserables. Will Russell redeem himself? Why is Anne Hathaway not being pretty?

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Baaaaa Baaaaa, $$$$, Baaaaa Baaaa

Much ado is being made over the 1/2 man of Two and Half Men, Angus T. Jones, who spoke his mind about the show being filthy and no one should watch. A double-edged sword here, which in the grand scheme of life amounts to gooey meadow muffins in a field. The little lamb should be able to speak his mind and not feel compelled to apologize for his "rant." I'm tired of these celebs apologizing. Note to Chuck Lorre: If Dish were hired for the show, she would keep any Buddha/Pagan/PrincessDi/New Jesus thoughts separate from work, as in don't whizz on the hand that signs your paycheck. Does no one understand this?

I know this disturbs us all but Jessica Simpson had sex again. US Magazine got the scoop that JS might be with child #2. Please make the lambs stop screaming. Until then...

Screw you, writers of Dexter! How could you kill off my favorite character since the Trinity killer? The rest of the season will suck. Characters are now a spray tan away from putting me to sleep. A high body count will not bring fabulous back. And don't insult me by making him--or her--another dumb mentor ghost! Hello, Jaws? You've been jumped.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Where Is My Merch, @DuranDuran?

Many months ago, I signed up to be a Gold Member of the Duran Duran fan club. This means I get lots of free sh*t for only 70$. I'm supposed to get a letter from the band, certificate of Duran Duran awesomeness, a Nick Rhodes tongue depressor, Simon's speedo circa 2008, the witchy spell to conjure Roger Taylor's intensity, special John Taylor nose hair plucked from his coke days and laminated, and Dom's new CD. I want this sh*t.

Do I dare pull out the big guns and start obsessing over Spandau Ballet instead?

Oh wait! Apologies. Forgot that Mercury has been in Retrograde!

Monday, November 26, 2012

Liz and Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Liz & Dick was a poo coup for Lifetime (cue upbeat Hamlishy music) because everyone seems to have seen it. I  learned so much about Liz! Did you know she and Dick made out ALL THE TIME at every opportunity? Also, Dick recites poetry like my cat pisses on all available surfaces. Cleopatra had some hideous bangs and, sorry, no one needs that much eyeliner. Dish received quite an education.

For reals: this flick is a stinker whose pacing is on beta blockers. Poor Lindsay tries to capture the icon but she doesn't seem to be acting. They should have cast Eva Green (the babe in Casino Royale) who can act. My second choice would be Christina Ricci, followed by Mia Kirshner. Elizabeth Taylor had a distinct personality and manner of speaking. Li-Lo doesn't come close. If she'd had an uninterrupted year of studying El-Tay, watching her movies over and over, she might have nailed it. I wanted her to do it. Dammit!

Ugh, I can't even comment on this next topic because it involves mentioning a vile person. I will just say that Jenny Johnson is my hero.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Thanksgiving Gravlax. Qu'est-ce que c'est?

Sundays continue to be too packed with great shows. Homeland, Dexter. Let me catch you up on both: The bad guy/protagonist can't stop banging the crazy blond ho.

TG and I made out like bandits from Dishmama's brunch fiesta today. We will go anywhere for free food. My husband hates the idea of me in the kitchen -- especially since my idea of deliciousness is Potato Bud flakes swimming in an ocean of Land O' Lakes and parmesan, the breakfast of champions with mild food and body image issues. Wash it down with some caffeine free Diet Coke. DM saves lives!

Rihanna shows me everyday the truth about love. It involves taking a picture of your squeeze while he's sleeping, which proves you're doing it and c'est tres serious. Tonight, I'm going to catch TG mid-snore,* maybe give him some fake tattoos and little Sharpie mustache, then post on Twitter.

* Teenagers have done this already and posted the pics on FB. Another reason why the young are awesome!

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Rest in Peace, You Womanizing Oil Baron! (Slap)

The imaginary villain of my childhood, J.R. Ewing, has gone to that palatial estate in the sky. On Dallas, Larry Hagman played the deliciously evil pain in the butt who stayed one step ahead of everyone. Just at the point when Sue Ellen or Bobby might advance, J.R. came from behind and stole everything! How I appreciate his evil now. To pay my respects, here are some choice scenes. The Housewives should take note on how to diss someone:

That awesome theme song
Where Pam slaps JR
Where JR slaps Sue Ellen
Where JR calls Sue Ellen a slut 
Where Bobby shows what a goody-goody wuss he is and J.R. makes sign of devil with his eyebrows

The Middle East may have called a truce, but Thanksgiving drama erupted between Halle Berry's fiance Olivier Martinez (the one who got clocked by Richard Gere in Unfaithful and who used to date Kylie Minogue) got into a fight with Berry's baby-daddy Gabriel Aubry and both men wound up in the hospital. I thought this only happened on television...

So, during my flights to and from Florida, I watched Ted and The Five-Year Engagement. Ted has only a few funny jokes and a predictable plot. It's kind of hilarious that a bear could have sex with a woman, though. Maybe Dish had low blood sugar. And, while I'm glad I didn't pay 13$ to see it, The Five-Year Engagement had cute moments and showed true love's complexity. It's hard not to love Emily Blunt and Jason Segel. In this movie, Jason, at least, isn't constantly showing his wang, which I appreciate. Dish prefers her Rom-Coms with clothes. For dramas, thrillers, Apatow or Ferrell comedies, let it all hang out!

I had a vivid dream where Julianne Moore was trying to enlist me in some cause. She was all enthusiastic the way she is in real life. Like you want to join her club. What does she want me to do?  A message from Julianne is always divine.

Friday, November 23, 2012

American Horror Story... scaring the crap out of me. Though it doesn't make whole lot of sense. TG and I have done tons of ghostly research. Just last night, I scanned our hotel room for presences. There were two. One of them kept playing Monty Python clips on Youtube. Oh wait, that was TG. Anyway, Connie Britton and Dylan McDermott are idiots for staying in that SO OBVIOUSLY HAUNTED house. Anytime you see Jessica Lange, some scary eye-twitchy psycho sh$t is about to happen. Plus, Connie, when you're 45++ and mysteriously pregnant with twins by a rapist in a rubber suit, don't you kinda want to protect your devil children and get the fudge out of the house? The reason why Con and Rob stay in the house is because they want to be on TV. So desperate.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Happy Thanksgiving

This ain't my holiday especially with severe abnominal issues after eating an ecoli Twix bar--not really. Or it could have been the tarragon chicken sandwich. Whatever, it was several hours of ugliness that I'm glad my husband didn't witness. I had a lovely Thanksgiving with my in-laws and parents. I hope my gut is all better by tomorrow.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Why I'll Never See Madonna in Concert

More than once have I read FB updates that said, "Madge is three hours late." Today, while watching The Talk for the first time, they trashed Madonna whose fans have complained about how late she is for her concerts. I don't care who she is. You're not that late unless you're spastically voiding your bowels. A favorite rocker of mine found out that his father died and went to perform two hours later---on time. Sure it's a drastic example and I would have canceled but it showed great respect for fans. Madonna may want to perform for her heartiest fans, those who truly love her enough to pay up the wazzoo and wait forever. Forget about the economy or how time is precious for us little guys. She's lame. I used to respect her for her moxie. I don't anymore. Dead to me.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Thanks, United/Continental!

I thank this airline for delivering me safely and suavely to Orlando. Sheer heaven except the time delay.  I didn't even need a tranquilizer but I sure need one now. I caught up on rag reading--Elizabeth Banks had another baby via surrogate. Hey, TG...could be an idea for us and it's what the celebrities do. Other than this it's all tequilas and margaritas and Mickey!

Monday, November 19, 2012

Tomorrow Voyager!

I waited too long to post and, I'll admit, I took a pill. You never know what I'm going to write. I need sleep badly before I fly. Who am I kidding? I need electro-shock therapy before I fly. Instead, I downloaded American Horror Story, which will be similar. My first girl crush was on Jessica Lange so I'll get all cozy on this plane packed with Disney-bound children and watch some scary sh*t.

It will drown out the fear over Selena Gomez and her alleged strep throat! Also, I'll be able to forget Rylan Clark's rendition of "Girls on Film"--all attitude, no talent.

Off to dream land. Will write from the land of the bright sun, drunken old people, and kids in fluorescent bathing suits. I hope I fry.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Magic Mike Is Terrible

I really wanted to see this movie--though fell ill on the day I intended to cough up 13$. And thank goodness,  because it sucks! How many times can glorious Matthew McConaughey say, "Allright, allright, allright" in his precious twang? How boring is Channing's love interest and their romance? And how dare the creators keep hiding the baloney from devoted female/gay fans. This flick was pure tease with a deceptive trailer. For those who haven't seen it, save your dough. This is a transformation/coming of age story with boring dialogue. The most heinous crime is that it under-uses the bonerific talents of the werewolf from True Blood, Matt Bomer, Alex Pettycoats, and Channing Tatum--and McConaughey. They should have focused more on the stripping and made a Cinderella story for a girl to date a stripper--who is secretly rich and gives it all up for her!

If you've ever wanted to know who Dishmama has always reminded me of, watch this babe. This siren and my mother are practically separated at birth. But my mom is even more fabulous.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Wanderlust Isn't So Bad

...especially if you enjoy Paul Rudd and Jennifer Aniston. The premise is incredibly one-note and the glow of Jenni-Paul almost makes up for it. Almost. The crazy hippie thing is funny for about two seconds until you realize this flick is a vehicle for the following:

Rudd's endearing boy-nextdoorness
Justin Theroux--who is super-hammy and clever, though his best work so far is Tropic Thunder
Bathroom and sex humor--which Apatow takes to new heights
Aniston's great hair, body and comedic timing. It's hard for me to look away when she's on a screen, she is that Julia-esque
Crazy secondary characters

It's worth a rent if you have nothing to do.

So much ado about Israel these days. I'm not sure what's happening but Kim Kardashian does. So much so that she tweeted her support of Israel, then Palestine, then never mind. Note to Kim: Resist all Ambien-tweeting.

And now, I feel I have to confess: Lincoln looks like a big pile of crap. Am I the only one who doesn't melt over Steven Spielberg and Daniel Day? In a previous post, I said I wanted to see it, but I was lying. In the previews, the only one who doesn't seem to overact is my imaginary aunt Sally Field. Maybe that's inspiration to go...

Friday, November 16, 2012

"Oh, But I'm Gonna"*

I said I wouldn't but I've officially launched Operation Lindsay Lift-Up, in that I'll mention her when she's working for the powers of good. In this GMA interview, yes, her face is frozen, but she's coherent. You can tell she wants to do something with her life. I can't wait to see Liz & Dick even though it seems blasphemous that she'd play Elizabeth Taylor. Keep going, LL!

Britney Spears was just cast in the new Marilyn Monroe movie.

*In which Julia movie is this line snorted delivered?

Dish's New Imaginary Best Friend!

I have a new BFF in the form of Ron Ben-Israel, god-host of Sweet Genius, the dessert cooking challenge show. TG and I are in love! Not only is he captivating as a personality, but his art is spectacular. I might have spent the last few hours watching Youtube videos of his cake creations. You do that for BFFs. I'm sure that if I posted videos of me knitting and reading trashy mags, he'd view them.

In my mind, I go to him when I have problems, like when I'm too reclusive. Ron urges me to meet him at a spot on the Upper East Side (my bad place). Braving the 6 is not easy for Dish, especially during rush hour, but Ron is aware of this. He wants me to conquer my aversion. The flood of young professionals almost makes me hyperventilate but then I see tiers of cakes, patisseries, and candies in the store window. My nerves recede. Behind the curtain is my new BFF with a free plate of frosted sugar cookies.

Maybe I'm getting away with myself. The Cranberry Bliss Bar at Starbucks was a crushing disappointment...

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Oh, Daddy, Where Art Thou?!

My biological father's last contact with me was a handshake 2.5 years ago. It's okay. Blocks of ice tend not to be forthcoming unless swizzled with gin and tonic -- a tasty summer treat. So, this is why my WASP-heart kvelled when Michael Lohan -- Daddy of My Dreams -- took a paternity test on TV to prove he's the father of a girl conceived and raised out of wedlock with no financial contribution from him. Once the test was revealed, he went over to give the girl an awkward hug and she said something like, "I only just met you today." At least he tried, Lucky New Lohan!!! She is fortunate that her life will be so much better. Michael is always there with the paparazzi, ready to get you into rehab, as long as he's interviewed extensively about how concerned he is, so concerned he'll throw up on camera! When he has medical procedures, he lets you see the electrodes on his magnificently hairy chest (which all daddies have). Maybe it's concerning that Daddy has a long rap sheet, looks good in orange and behind bars, that he tends to beat the sh*t out of women. His spouses may suffer, but the children don't! Ergo, using the transitive property: I love fame and the stars. I need a daddy (Bon Jovi is busy). Michael Lohan is also my father.

Two other Daddy candidates are now upset with each other. So like, Bobby De Niro met Jay Z at a party and Bobby was, like, I so loooovvvve the lip gloss you're wearing. Thanks, Bobby, let's talk more, I'll show you all my Sephora choices. Bobby called Jay Z but he never answered. Bobby's, like, should I go Lancome or stick with a Nars glow stick? Jay Z was all I'm too busy telling the nannies to change Blue Ivy's nappies. B*tches ran into each other again at a party, and Bobby was pissed, like Mac Red Lipstick pissed, with steam coming out his Noczema. He let his fury show, which made Jay Z all uncomfortable. Beyonce tried to make nice, but Bobby knows Gen-Y manners. Obvs, Jay Z hasn't watched Goodfellas fifty-hundred times, like Dish. Never piss off Bobby who reminds me a lot of the Block of Ice.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

It's Her Life

If Bon Jovi were your dad, why would you ever do drugs? When I read this morning that BJ's daughter was allegedly arrested for an alleged heroin overdose, I was mystified. It's Bon Jovi! I would be on my best behavior if he were my dad since he is his own high-grade drug. If you're having a bad day, you can count on Bon Jovi to lift your mood. He is classic, smooth-sailing. Even though I'm not a big fan, I always smile when I see him perform. Plus, he's kept the same hairstyle over 20 years.

Then again, I hated the maroon jacket he wore in New Year's Eve. It almost made me use. And the hair. He tours a lot and is probably never home. Everyone wants a piece of Bon Jovi so when would he have time for his daughter?

I still wouldn't mind Bon Jovi as my daddy biologically impossible, Dish

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Please Make the Phone Ring!

A celebrity's "people" called me today! We're playing phone tag, but this could be the little boost Dish needs after this month of no-holds-barred hell. Thank goodness I have the daily healing of TG, but celebrity opportunity is truly awesome, too. And to think, 24 hours ago, I was in the throes of a mild panic attack, the kind where I thought I was dying, needed to go into another room to watch Sons of Anarchy and read Runner's World just to calm down. Dishreaders, if I do wind up on TV again, I will require immediate hair rejuvenation. This red straw hasn't seen business-scissors in, oh, 6 months...

In star news: Elmo's voice/handler allegedly had been accused of having a relationship with an underage boy but today the accuser says never mind. I smell $$$$$$. I should have been way more crafty as a 16 y.o. I could have been rich! Sure, I would have sold my soul but what does that mean anymore if you can buy out Anthropologie?

Praying for calm waters tonight. Listening to Enya, watch a little Jack Black and Shirl in Bernie, some post-election-musings on CNN, break into the Edgar Cayce's book on angels. Or the article on exercises to develop a stronger lower back. Perhaps the bio on Catherine de Medici instead? This Sybil brain needs a little of everything.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Crazy Blond

Due to subway claustrophobia, I walked home. As I reached Houston, I saw this pretty, young blond woman walking at a good clip up ahead of me. Her hair was pulled back. She wore black leggings and striped top, bag slung over her shoulder--nicely put together overall. Stopping at a restaurant table, she snapped a picture of diners. It was hard not to notice her high-pitched voice as she rambled about "changing energies, both sexual and material." Oh hell, I thought. Is everyone crazy? I pushed on past, hoping she'd get absorbed in her bananas and ignore me. Of course, she didn't. She matched my pace, seemed to get closer to the point where I decided to pause and let her go by. She never stopped her one-sided-conversation. In a frightening moment, with me stalled at the curb, she looked back. We locked eyes. There was no blurry, muddy expression on her face, which unnerved me even more. I know my meth and heroin face, the boozy stumble, the pot stare. Blondie surged ahead and kept talking, and so did I but from a distance. When she was half-a-block away, she stopped, turned toward the traffic and unleashed this terrifying rage, killer rage, like I-could-easily-no-problem-stab-you-in-your-sleep rage. Size doesn't matter.

General Petraeus might just be a big horndog, which I blame entirely on the pressure of politics, the limelight, the media and show biz--intersecting professions if not identical. Poor shmoopie. Not only is there one other woman, but possibly two. His wife is allegedly furious. Ya think??? This is such a lame story, I can't bear it.

Saw the trailer for Les Miserables and I'm filled with despair when I confess a desire to see it. Damn you, Anne Hathaway.

Exercise and sin journal: Ran 4 miles. Walked 3 miles. Ate 1/3 Snickers bar and practically nothing else--maybe mac and cheese.

Sons of Anarchy watchers: Did EVERYONE from The Shield migrate to this show? No complaints here. I like to see good actors employed. Plus, Dish never turns down the chance to see epic geezer sex between Katey Sagal and Jimmy Smits.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Dish Thoughts During Skyfall:

The Adele song sounds boring out of context but is perfect for this movie.

Daniel Craig keeps running fast to save the day--I need to step up my game and stop jogging like I'm 100.

Bond spends entire night boozing it up--Oh god, I feel so much better. I do the same only it's my brain that keeps me intoxicated, not scotch. 85% of the time, I feel crappy in the morning from my shenanigans.

Perfect casting for Ralph Fiennes and Javier Bardem. Javier has a knack for spewing weirdness in one movie, then dashing romance in another. How does he do that? Must investigate the chameleon within Dish.

After Bond's physical, the doc says he has addictions, alcohol and pills--I feel so much better about my own medicating.

Warning: Just as greeting cards mostly mock your age, there are tons of age jokes about Bond. His skin is indeed leathery. This helps me deal with my own wrinkleswho am I kidding, I want to get Botox.

During one of the many times Bond takes off his shirt, I think: If he can be that built at 44, I can do the same. I can barely open a jar of mayonnaise. Note to self: stop eating mayonnaise. Bond probably doesn't. Will strengthen the bod so that I can be ready for my spy job as head of the CIA.

Bond takes an elevator ride by jumping and holding on to the bottom of the car--F*ck, I could never do that but now I'll stop whining about being afraid of heights. Why do spies always dangle in mid-air???

He and M drive all night to desolate area in Scotland--Where did they piss?

The movie is: too long, still satisfying because of the trifecta of DC/Dame Judi/Bardem. Tenderhearts: there is some heartbreak but go see it anyway. And now I'm going to look for a Bond bloopers. I would like, for once, to see them giggling over the cheesiness of this franchise.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Banging the Biographer

I don't like where our country is headed. First that South Carolina politician cheats with an Argentinian "soulmate." Tiger Woods knocks boots with everyone (mainly strippers and PR reps). Now Patraeus has an affair with a biographer, a learned person? Things are going downhill fast. Who will run the CIA? Nominate Dish. I've been watching Homeland so I'm up to speed. I can make hard decisions, hang out with Claire Danes and Mandy Patinkin, and I'm not a cheater. No, not even if you put Duran Duran, Daniel Craig, Gale Harold in front of me. No dice and EWWWWW. See? Totally ready for steely CIA work.

Just realized tonight that Goodfellas is the straight boy's Notting Hill. It's like coming home for TG.

Kat von D and deadmau5 split, as did Justin Bieber, Selena Gomez. Now I don't have to be horrified when imagining Biebs and Selena having sex. You know you have, too. We're so sick.

Friday, November 09, 2012

When Did the News Become an Op Ed?

I can't watch most news shows anymore--except Anderson and Wolf Blitzer and I don't know why. Maybe it's all the white hair reminds me of Santa Claus. But Rachel Maddow, Keith Olbermann (when he was on TV), Don Lemon, Jack Cafferty do long ultra-smirky monologues that compel me to turn in another direction. I agree with everything Rachel Maddow says, just the delivery makes me flip the channel. I watch Fox news and their rants are not so eloquent, therefore I can listen and quietly make fun of them. Nightly news is okay, I guess. Just give me the facts. No flourish, no ironic lilt, no outrage. The liberals are erudite, yet exceedingly self-righteous to me. I listen and want to stomp on flowers, use too much power, just to add balance to the world. I probably need a vacation.

Rachel Maddow was utterly charming on The Colbert Report last night. I thought, I could totally be friends with her. Her show is just not my thing. But I do admire her and appreciate that she has her own show and that everyone loves her. She is way smarter than I am. She loves what she does and it shows. I would like to emanate that somehow, too.

When I came home, there was a bouquet of red roses on my desk. Boy, did I emanate. There's nothing like a bouquet of flowers to put me in a great mood. That TG is some charmer. This bouquet means a lot because TG doesn't believe in giving flowers since they die, so why spend the money. A plastic toy Cupid launcher is far more valuable. Isn't he sweet?
48 hours until Skyfall.

Thursday, November 08, 2012

TG and I Are Obsessed with Candice Delong

Every time she's on TV, this former FBI profiler has a new hairdo and fabulous insight into the minds of killers. And check out those probing blue eyes. They pull you in and say, "I am not making you pancakes for breakfast, Jackson." I don't know where that came from This foxy g-lady is direct, no-nonsense and full of truth. She's blond. Brunette. Hair short. Hair long. Bangs. She is the scary woman who goes into the bathroom to cut her hair so that she'll go undetected...or noticed right away. What's more, she is poised for TV. She hostesses Deadly Women and a number of other killer babe shows that TG and I adore. 

Ever since...well, a month ago, I can't seem to stop staring at the walls. I figure after Sandy, NancyNoreaster, my unusual workload and this very long election, I'm allowed to be out of my mind for a while. I'm sticking to those simple pleasures: talking to Dishbrother and father-in-law on the phone, ironing TG's shirts, picking out clothes for the next day, making the bed. Maybe Skyfall will resurrect me this weekend. Sure, Daniel Craig is my fave Bond, but it's not a love thing (maybe a little--I've adored him since Layer Cake). If you know the true Dish Psyche, the one that melts over all Die Hard, Lethal Weapon, Seagal, Van Dammness, you understand it's the testosterone-action-exploding-car-awesome-reflexes I can't live without. Plus, Judi Dench could put me on a leash and I would bark and fetch for her till the cows come home.

Today's confession: I watched last night's Couples Therapy and cried my eyes out. Alex's "confrontation" with her sweet mother was so real! Damn you, Dr. Jen. We're all just trying to get through this crazy life... and on TV is always better.

Wednesday, November 07, 2012

What Happened?

So yeah, something happened yesterday but I forget what it is, I was so busy watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills aka a fantastic antidote for the election venom. Now I thoroughly understand why people flee real life to watch reality TV. It's *so* not what our lives are like.

God bless Lisa, Adrienne, Yolande, Scary Mess, Brandi, Kyle, and the Drunk One. I am so ready to pull up a seat and lose myself in RHoBH after months and months of election coverage. Oh and what coverage it was. Here's Dish's roundup:

Anderson Cooper: Cute as a bug's ear.
Diane Sawyer: Allegedly wasted during coverage. Everyone's talking about it. I just think she had bad Botox and couldn't move any part of her face except for her mouth. You be the judge. Dish often talks like this after three hours of sleep. No, just rewatched. She was completely sh*tfaced.
John King: So in love with his board, it made me crazy. I kept watching him because I felt sorry for how obsessed he got. Then today he stood on same stage as ex-wife Dana Bash and both stuttered. Awwwwkkkkwarrrd.
Fox News: You know straight away who they're rooting for and I accept that, which makes the watch entertaining as sh*t.
Jon Stewart: I'm sorry, but this was not a time for funny. Lost interest after three minutes of shtick.
Donald Trump: His post-election Twitter diarrhea was hilarious! I see his purpose in the world. For us to ridicule him.

My bottom line is that I forgive Ohio for existing in 1991. Now we can go back to celebrities. Modern Family's Ariel Winter got out of dodge after allegedly living with an abusive mother. If I were her, I'd make a beeline for Sofia Vergara, who is awesomeness itself.

I heard a rumor that People is choosing Channing Tatum as its Sexiest Man Alive. Finally, a choice that is relevant and not so five years ago. Though he doesn't hold a candle to TG.

Tuesday, November 06, 2012

White Knuckle Time!

Are you on pins and needles or what?

I Just Voted

I did, by the way, but it wasn't fun. The volunteers helping on my block (bless them, but still) were absolute morons and sent me every which way. I'm sure my paper ballot blew away into someone's waste can, but still...

So, you know how people are wearing stickers that say, "I just voted." Dish is having evil, evil fantasies of a sticker that says "I just farted." I didn't, but still...

Evil, evil. The stress of the election is hitting hard.

Monday, November 05, 2012

Vote-Eve (Candles + Anderson)360

Dish loves algebraic expression (see above). I feel so much excitement over the election. Cannot wait to pull an all-nighter tomorrow to watch for results. The Cosmic Goddess has listened to my heart's yearning (a little less running around, svp) and gifted me with a week of paid productive sloth. Make no mistake, I will still run my ass off, thanks to reading LΓΌc Carl's excellent The Drunk Diet--a rocker's manifesto to get healthy. I will work until my eyes bleed and I need to run to Duane Reade to get reading glasses to go on top of my thick coke-bottled specs for my near-sightedness. I am that much of a psychotic workaholic and running junkie. I will listen to The CG's lessons, make the most of Sandy's dust.

And I will be well rested enough to vote tomorrow. I was going to secretly not vote because had my schedule been a normal one, I wouldn't have been able to until after 7pm, which is my prime blowing-off period.

Okay, Obama, I'll sign up for 4 more years. But we know who I'm secretly voting for.

Sunday, November 04, 2012

Poor Leo. Why Do We Care about His Love Life?

Because he dates beautiful models, preferably from the Victoria Secret catalog, which Dish reads religiously. He just discarded another one. I love that I'm never surprised when I see him out with another luscious blond--or that you can always count on the 3 for 1 deals on striped thongs, the free coupon for underpants during your birthday month. Leonardo's taste in women is as regular as his choice in movies -- mostly Scorcese. Can you believe that McConaughey was the top contender for Jack in Titanic? That would have been awesome. I never liked Leo in that role because he looked about twelve. Now, he's maybe 30. Okay, I'll admit, I had a little pervy Leo crush for about a month around Titanic time (who didn't? Oh, Dishmama, that's who) but then felt very cradle-robby and gross. The best acting Leo did since Gilbert Grape was in The Departed and Revolutionary Road. Just my opinion.

So, Dish is contemplating seeing a past life expert. Isn't that so Shirley MacLaine? There has to be a reason why I love the music of The Four Seasons. And Ancient Rome, I love that empire circa 44BC-14AD. I took 9 years of Latin, which dovetailed nicely with my obsession with Egypt. For why? I want to find out because I was totally Cleopatra, beyotches.

Saturday, November 03, 2012

No Marathon But Daylight Savings Time--Yay!!!

I didn't realize the marathon was this weekend. Cancel it? Why? Then my brain snapped back to consciousness and tried to envision a marathon this weekend--of all weekends--and that pony didn't fly. No freaking way. Dish might have to walk to the day job since it's way downtown because no way in hell am I taking the 6. The horror!

TG and I are getting our bearings back. He made dinner and I thought about ironing his shirts until I decided to do it tomorrow. Instead, I did some thinking. Here's what I believe: that Mother Nature delivered her October Surprise. Superstorm Sandy shut everyone up and slowed the race fatigue. Now we just have to vote and get this done. But one last thing from Cher and Kathy Griffin.

And now, I must tend to a big headache.

Friday, November 02, 2012

I See the Light!!!

Around 5ish, the power came back on--just in time for the celebrity-studded Sandy relief telethon which did nothing for me so I turned it off!!! Plus, having a great husband helps in a time of crisis. Three years ago, I would have never fared so well during Sandy. I would have merged with my couch, not eating for days, letting the batteries run out before my brother and his husband retrieved me via wheelbarrow and IV drip of Revivafrin. TG recharged the electronics, got the big flashlights and last night...sniff...he accompanied me to Jersey Boys. Sandy made him desperate.

Jersey Boys for the 4th time in less than a year am I a psycho or what did not disappoint, though the audience was in outer space and did not applaud as often as I would have liked. So, of course, I had to be one of the starters of the standing O at the end. What a mood-booster and I love the new cast! The new Tommy DeVito, Jeremy Kushnier, is saucy, magnetic and the kind of actor who's probably really good in every role he plays. He's especially oily as Tommy, which is what I'd envisioned. Drew Gehling's Bob Gaudio is tall, geeky and sweet--with a killer voice. You can't go wrong  with Matt Bogart, who made me and TG giggle through most of the show. And of course, I'm always partial to Jarrod Spector as Frankie. He really is fantastic. This post-Sandy week really sucked and JB cheered me up.

Now when can I go again?

Thursday, November 01, 2012

Cold Showers Are Not Funny

I've learned a lot these few days without power:

I am addicted to media.
The constant darkness makes me depressed and could have contributed to anxiety of the last 15 years, not as much the claustrophobia. Thanks, NM Sun! You've given me a disorder.
All my dreaming of living in the country, no more. I am thoroughly a city girl. The silence would drive me crazy. Candlelight sucks after a while.
I understand what Shelby (Julia) goes through when Sally's trying to get her to drink the OJ during her diabetes attack in Steel Magnolias. It's what she needs most but she can't bear to have it. I need sunshine and people and interaction but I can't bear to go out.
I would make a terrible vampire.
Sh$tting in the dark makes no sense.

Day #4--No Power

TG and I are being skanky power whores at a nearby university. Screw healthy eating. We aren't wasting calories on salad or fruit. Give us beef and protein and fat. Survival is goal #1. We are going bananas. Thank Jebus, Dish is seeing Jersey Boys tonight on B-way. TG is so desperate for stimulation, he might go too. This is what happens when you beat your husband at Scrabble. There is no place to go but up.