Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Steven Seagal Still Follows Dish

FYI it's very hard to post from an iPad but mucho convenient. Sorry for the no pics. I'll make up for it on Saturday when we return. But seriously, way back in 2006 I must have posted about how Steven Seagal "appears" whenever I travel. He did not let me down. Spotted him in today's NYT and his hands/feet outside of Grauman's Chinese Theater. Today we did some touristy things and I got to give Morgan Freeman the finger at Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum. So satisfying.

What is unsatisfying: Cuba Gooding Jr is wanted for shoving a female bartender. It's the Oscar curse. This is why I do a sh&tty job so as not to win awards. Oh wait, I sort of did, so I expect life will go downhill immediately. Cuba, there's no excuse for violence, especially in New Orleans, the funnest town on Earth, except the heat drives you mad in July.

NBC Today ratings continue to decline, bahahahahahaha, chortles Ann Curry and Katie Couric.

Monday, July 30, 2012

16 Years without a Wedding Means...

...He's just not that into you but I do allow for special circumstances. For instance, if TG and I were just together forever without a ring, I would have been okay. I adore him, I trust him, he cracks me up. It shocks me that we got married. I know many couples that transcend this He's Just Not That Into You thing. BUTTTT... After two kids, a popular reality show where much face was sucked only to get engaged to "on off" girlfriend of over 16 years, I thought, WTF, Bret Michaels? Many of my middle-aged friends were secretly crushed. Pre-TG, I had wanted to submit myself onto Rock of Love so that I could be the freak who can't stomach kissing him or stripping while ironing his t-shirts. He would pick me, the icy librarian girl, and I'd get my own show because I am that delusional. The stringy fake hair and unwashed look does nothing for me, though. I would last ten minutes on a tour bus. Dishfriend partied with Bret several times way back when and says he's super nice. But not the marrying kind since word came that his long relaysh with Kristi Gibson is at an end. Please let this begin a new skank-fest show.

TG is not speaking to me because I'm watching Bachelor Pad and our room is small. Earplugs. One more person in here and we'd have a Sartre play.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Where Did I Go?

Can I help that my daytime schedule sucked the energy from my limbs? I thought about the stars but could not research, opine or obsess as usual. Dishreaders, that lapse ends today. While I remain in Los Angeles, somewhere in the Santa Monica area in a super-sh*tty hotel, I am free as a bird and ready to root out the dirt.

Today, I'm dealing with the shock wave that Dr. Paul Nassir and Adrienne Maloof are separating. My heart breaks. They fought constantly on RHoBH but seemed to have this shorthand. I fantasized that their chilliness masked a smoldering connection behind closed doors. Maybe they are so rich, so taut-skinned that they don't need to struggle, which can be the struggle. Sad.

Still not reeling over the Kristen Stewart cheating scandal. Still believe it was a staged breakup. If it wasn't, ain't youth grand? Time to bring on the new big couple from a 50 Shades of Grey movie.

The Jacksons continue to be an absolute mess.

In personal news, TG is sore from his first surfing lesson. He's having fun berating me over my poor hotel choice.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Hurray for Anaheim!!!

Dish got out before the storms though turbulence not fun! Woman next to me drank two sodas and didn't have to whizzz once. Landed in sunshine. ha dsplitting headache but did my duties and perked up. Did discuss with friend the latest Kristen Stewart scandal which I find a little fishy, as in staged. Robert Pattinson has moved out, which seems a perfect exit. I don't buy this one bit. And whocares? They are so freaking young!

The other news has to dowith the Jackson family. I'm so sick of them. All of them.

Mitt Romney said something stupid. Duran Duran is singing for the games on Friday!

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Chad Everett, Gone But Never Forgotten

WTF, celebrities in their sixties and seventies? It's really hard for us when you leave this world. Rest in peace, Chad Everett who was fifty shades of "hunkalicious", worked tirelessly in classic TV and movies: most recently in the remake of Psycho and Mulholland Drive. Dish enjoyed him in Love Boat and Murder She Wrote. His CV is miles long.

I'm about to leave for Southern California for Daytime Dish Duties, but TG is storming the castle and forcing some sunning, surfing and relaxing. I will post but it might be a little rushed.

Gossip: The Jacksons are all screwed up again--money, custody, is the mother really competent, interventions, smacking on the face. It's like a long tired seventy-year run of Dynasty.

The pics of Christian Bale visiting shooting victims in CO made me teary. Can you imagine BATMAN HIMSELF visiting you? That would put anyone on the path to healing.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Tuesday Confessions

1. After seeing Jef(f), Emily's choice, on Jimmy Kimmel, I sort of see why she chose him. He's pretty chill and obviously adores me--I mean her, oops Freudian--and will do EVERYTHING she says. Sort of like TG. JK! Not.
2. Today's scandal: Kristin Stewart allegedly cheated on Edward with her married director of Snow White? Really? Dish always thought she was in a fake hetero-relaysh with Pattinson to hide her real seshuality.
3. I've invented a new disorder for super-fans such as myself: Acquired Situational Attachment to Acquired Situational Narcissists Disorder. Self-explanatory. I love stars!!!

Sally Ride Dies, George Jefferson Moves on Up

Sally Ride may have lost her fight with pancreatic cancer but she came, saw and conquered her spot in history as one brave broad. Dish can barely get on a plane much less envision a physical trip into space. SR is the first American woman to venture into Kirk territory, paving a path of excellence. In her honor, I'm going to do something brave and not complain one bit about flying to California. Starting now.

I can't even speak about George Jefferson's demise without tears. Sherman Helmsley went up to that dee-luxe apartment in the sky and I love everything he did for my childhood television experience. Dish can do his walk without even trying! I hope he and Weezie are pecking on the lips in heaven.

There is talk of refreshing the cast of RHoOC. Not that kind of refresh. My goodness, there is ample pulling, nipping and tucking to those faces. No, the rumor is that they might yank Vicki and Alexis, which I see as a colossal mistake. Don't give me new OC housewives. The revamped NYC cast is so not working even though I like them personally. Bring back Jill.

Mariah Carey has signed on for American Idol. I just don't get what the big deal is. I know it's Mariah, but the vibrato may kill this Dish. No watchies for me.

Let's all appreciate another shot of Julia Roberts looking normal, i.e. fabulous, in a bikini. California is about to get an eyeful of Dish in like manner. I am also 44.

Monday, July 23, 2012

The Bachelorette: Spoiler

Up to the last minute, 10:03pm, I waited for Emily to change her mind and choose Arie. His face may be sweaty, have less-than-clear skin (been there), he may not have the steadiest job, but he's way cuter and the chemistry! Emily didn't listen to my psychic pleadings. Despite this, my subconscious remains a placid lake of acceptance. I did, after all, invent a new drinking game: Every time Jef and Em say "like", take a shot. It makes the badness I don't really drink go away. I will erase all knowledge that I've wasted the last two months by watching tonight's Bachelor Pad. Many of the uggos from this season are on. Plus, three words: Blakely's Massive Chompers.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Lazy Sunday

I made the mistake of loading Google Analytics into the blog and it delivers depressing news. I'm going to need some time to pick up the pieces of my fragile ego. Blame TG.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Massacre's Aftertaste

I don't know about you but yesterday's Colorado bloodbath is lingering in my psyche, as it should. The world can be an awful place. To get ourselves into seeing the new Batman, TG and I have been viewing Batman Begins and The Dark Knight. The movies have sparkle but tooooo lllooooonnnnnggggg. There is no disputing the genius of Heath Ledger. I'm sad for the movies his death deprived us of, baby (don't end with preposition).

Today Dish broke through a major psychological wall. At 16, I trained hard for soccer with Dishbiologicalfather. We used to run around the track in the early evening, with sun setting and both of us in different parts of the track. He'd yell, "do one more lap for Duran Duran!" and I would. I got to running 6 miles a day. Since that time, I haven't had the heart to run that distance. I'd get to 5.5 and give up. Until today. I am my own motivator, Dishreaders.*

My inspiration is the new trailer for The Master, which is an obvious nod to Scientology, coming out in October from Paul Thomas Anderson. My dream of Joaquin Phoenix returning to acting has been realized. Put him with master Phillip Seymour Hoffman and I officially have my ticket to heaven. It's genius to choose the setting since it seems to explore the roots of Scientology. The easy choice would be to focus on the last twenty years. Tom Cruise allegedly is pissed at this flickipoo, though Dish feels he'll pretend it didn't happen. I cannot WAIT for this.

* I did an extra lap for Duran Duran.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Batman Tragedy

You'd have to be living under a rock not to know about crazy shootings in Aurora, Colorado at a movie showing of The Dark Knight Rises, leaving 12 dead and 71 wounded. I won't dignify the barbarian who did this with a name. Lots of Facebook updates scream for serious gun control. It's too easy to get a gun. Dish would love gun control or even no guns at all, but, as a cynic realist, I feel that crazy people will always find a weapon. The human psyche needs TLC. Stop the insanity. Or at least, get it to an institution. Big Brother may not be so bad. We need to know who lives around us...and maybe everyone should get some strong-ass tasers!!! Not really I'll take one actually. Most of all, Dish's heart goes out to the victims and their families, all of whom will be walking wounded for some time to come. There are no answers to this except peace.

According to TMZ, Ann Curry might be covering the tragedy with Savannah Guthrie, the woman who replaced her. If Curry has the constitution, I applaud her. She came out the winner in this. NBC is lucky they kept her. It's all very sickening.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

TG Left Me in the Middle of a Rizzoli & Isles

He went out with his brother, I mean. But what's a Dish to do?

Another Day, Another Photo of LeAnn Rimes in a Bikini

Screw that, today's hot-throbbing news is that our beloved wackadoo Fred Willard was arrested for open wang-love in a special kind of theater. Poor TG is crying in his Grape Nuts/chocolate almond milk since he'd take a bullet for Fred. Willard was allegedly fired from his PBS show Market Warriors. Kick a man when he's down. Mucho double-entendre, Dishita.

Speaking of disgraced weiners, Anthony Weiner with baby in tow graces the cover of today's Post. I smell a new run for office. Did I not call this the second the scandal broke? The pubic public will forgive you, especially if you spin yourself as Stay-at-home Dad. I'm appalled, shocked, and can't wait to see what happens next.

Bon Jovi on American Idol? YES! I'd watch it, even though he and Dame Edna ruined Season 5 of Ally McBeal. And he's long overdue for a modern haircut.

More reports are surfacing of Griffith and Banderas on the rocks. She's at home soaking her face in ice, the cigarette down to an ash. He's out dirty dancing with some muy caliente chickita. Please stop raining on my parade! I love them.

Rafael Nadal drops out of Olympics. Where is the sun?

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Political Animals Is My New Best Friend!

First of all: I could watch Sigourney Weaver clip her toenails for two hours. Same goes for Ciaran Hinds, Dan Futterman and Carla Gugino. Put them together and I can barely stay conscious. I was wary of Political Animals because of the crappy reviews. Dishreaders, forget the reviews. This show is juicy and salacious. Sure, the parallel to Hillary is overkill but politics is the new porn! It is way better than Scandal, though I love that show too. Oh, and how could I forget Ellen Burstyn as the trash-talking boozy mother? Priceless.

Criticism: Ciaran's accent is too country and, yes, he's Bubba. If he could just have a straight Connecticut accent, what an interesting, less annoying twist. Why is the gay son always the tormented one? Of course, he's on the verge of death from all his drug-using, but he's creative as evidenced by his piano playing. They pack a lot of issues into one show: discrimination against Asian-Americans (which causes one to become bulimic), gay men = inevitable drug use, Iran bad but maybe something humane behind badness, lots o' cheating, women as either bitches or skanks, men are mostly ridiculous, betraying bastards. It's enough for me to scratch my beard and go, "hmmmmm."

Praise: Sigourney is one of the few showbiz ladies without trout mouth. Plus, I think she gained weight for the role. She looks amazing--and how refreshing to see such a gifted actress strut her stuff. Her speech about life being mostly "hell" coaxed a big tear from my eye. Adrian Pasdar is fabulous as an ineffective yet charismatic President. Wonder what *that's* about?

I'm counting the minutes until the next show!

What in Blazes is Tom Wearing?

I'm really glad Tom is in NYC, but these jeans offend my eyes. Call me a fan of the wide-legged pant but don't they make his gams look tiny? These are important issues. At least he can pick up Suri. What a nice daddy. Wonder if Tom and Katie will see each other face to face.

Miss Advised: I can't help but feel strongly for these three dating experts. For many many many years, I went through the EXACT same things: horrible and confusing dates, the "don't be your total self" stuff, obsessing and invites to be the third party in threesomes. Bleck. It's hard to be a "good girl" in this world. I'm thankful I don't have to waste energy on this anymore, that I can be myself with someone who's better than I'd expected any spouse could be. I just want to wrap Emily, Amy and Julia in a great big Dish hug. It wouldn't be pervy at all. (Amy, I totally went out with a Lewis--exactly to a tee--and you were SO great to just walk out of the restaurant and in high heels! I wasted 6 months on what should have been two dates! Maybe I did that several times...)

The Real Housewives of Orange County, Reunion 2: Even TG started to get into it with the yelling, accusations and the bitchery. This one was tame and the wives all acknowledges their flaws. What the hell? Have feeling Vicki is on the verge of dumping Brooks. But if she's happy, why not date him? It's like my relationship with ice cream.

Last night's offenses: I started reading Portia Di Rossi's Unbearable Lightness and at the point where she describes upchucking Cheetos, my craving for the snack became almost unbearable. The more she obsessed about weight, the more I had to step on a scale. Every food she describes bingeing on, I must have. Like nachos. YUM! Loving this book, feeling admiration for Portia, but my brain is obviously twisted.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

A Waiter Dishes...

Last night, while out with my excellent in-laws, we were blessed with an eavesdropping waiter. The second TG mentioned his Charlie Rose experience, Waiter piped in and seconded what a great guy the newsman was. Of course, I was eager for more. Waiters are this country's most powerful untapped resource. They know everything.

"Who else is awesome?" I screeched.

Well, Dishreaders, Waiter complied and gave some fabulous dirt:

Who's awesome: Heather Locklear. She is the embodiment of sweetness. This filled me with pleasure. I've loved her since Dynasty when she played gay Steven's hot jailbait wife.

Who's AWFUL: Jennifer Lopez. If only this would stop me from watching Monster-in-Law. It's a sickness!!!

Uma gave birth to a little Uma. When's she going to get ass back to work? Clock is ticking and Dish needs another Netflix!

Gossip I don't believe: That Demi is pissed at her daughters because they have relationships with Ashton. Dr. Dish feels this is understandable but Demi still needs to step up and just be their mother -- and do another movie! So Melanie Griffith took off her wedding ring to do the dishes. The paps got a picture of her ringless hand and are going batsh*t. Suddenly, she and Antonio are on the rocks. They've been married for 15 years so a divorce is long overdue. Ms. Bony A** needs to get that ring back on.

I'm at the part of Ally McBeal when she has the daughter from frozen eggs and Bon Jovi is doing her plumbing. Do I see a shark? BJ needs to stop wearing turtlenecks and put on some mascara.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Summer is almost TOO exciting with The Bachelorette finale, Breaking Bad and Political Animals!

This is a gorgeous dress. It would look more amazing on me. Tonight's the night Emily chooses her man (or men...) and I'm on pins and needles. Will it be Jef or Arie? Somehow, I have to sneak in Breaking Bad, which I hear was awesome last night.

Headline: Alcohol + jail time + beating your spouse + ignoring your children + going back to the woman from whom you've been banished repeatedly + talking constantly to the tabloids = Today's White Trash. The world will end because Michael Lohan dastardly seed has impregnated the dastardly womb of former tabloider Kate Major. They are playing out a violent domestic situation for all to see with boozin', hittin', fame-whorin' and jailin'. They will wind up on Snapped. Before then, Jay Leno will invite Papa Lohan on his show and heartily congratulate him. Reality show is next.

FYI--I hate Jacquie Lawson e-cards. Don't send them to me. It takes forever and I don't give two sh*ts about little mice moving at a slow speed to decorate a freaking tree. Just tell me Happy Birthday. Then again, beggars can't be choosers.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

How Could I Forget?

Breaking Bad premieres TONIGHT!!!

Best thing on TV.

Rest in Peace, Celeste Holm!

When you watch All About Eve, the eyes usually remain fixed on Bette Davis or that wretched Anne Baxter (oh, Moses, Moses!). I salivated over Bette, too, yet Celeste's part hit very close to home. In this flick, she didn't fling the juiciest lines or chomp scenery, but remained a distant observer, a witness to greatness which distinguished her in a different way. She was the wise, cool cucumber. Throughout her film career, Celeste was such an underachiever, starring in many classics including High Society, All About Eve, lots of theater and sh*tty but awesome TV. She won a best support actress Oscar for Gentlemen's Agreement, and she was married 5 times. That's a lot of life in 95 years.

In less interesting news, basketball player Jason Kidd was arrested for being soused behind the wheel. SMART. But then athletes don't get paid to use their brains (unless perhaps fencing, tennis and wrestling, which TG says requires a modicum of intelligence).

The Sage Stallone autopsy is underway. Thanks for sharing! FYI--after decades of analysis, I know that star-autopsies are always done 24 hours before they say they're going to do them. So, as I sit stuffing my face with chocolate mousse cake and trying out my new hotsy totsy Goody headbands, Sage is getting his organs weighed. Oh God, I've read too much Scarpetta. I mean no disrespect to the Stallone family. This is very sad to me.

The cosmos gifted Dish with a nice birthday present: Six inches of Duran Duran on Page Six.

It's Not All About You, Arianna Huffington, Forest Whitaker and Brian Austin Green!!!

It's my birthday, too. Take that, you great bodies of talent. With great bodies!!! Speaking of, today is also the birthday of hunkalicious Jacques Derrida who was not only a sexy deconstructionist but wrote things no one understands!!! Then there was Rembrandt. What did he do? Oh right, GREAT ART!!!

Happy Birthday to Dish!

I'm not this young anymore but I'm not so old that I can't moon the notion that I'm over the hill. 44 may be the new 100, but Dish is timeless!

(Wedgies are still a challenge)

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Ambien at 8 AM?

The Kennedy Curse is such a clichay (too lazy to put in accent but not too lazy to write this out) that I can't bear writing this next bit, but I will because I'm trying to delay finishing The Pelican Brief, which is awesome. Andrew Cuomo's ex Kerry Kennedy crashed into a tractor-trailer and then was stopped by the coppers. There are reports that she had taken Ambien and then drove. I'm thankful this drug only makes me eat Cheetos before I fall asleep.

The Real L Word is back! I keep saying I'll never watch it again, but I do. I kind of love them. As you can see, there are no total dweebs in the bunch. It's mostly about sex in the shower, who's mad at whom, parties, tattoos, booze, pregnancy, and love-relationships. No knitting or book clubs, politics, strong career focus, cooking, school, or lofty pursuits beyond acquiring fame. That's my main beef, but it's early yet and I can't get enough of these gals. Whitney and Sara are on the verge of marriage (they did marry), which seems insane to me. They were both "hooking up" with the world not three seconds ago. I enjoy Romi the most because she wears her heart on her sleeve and has the coolest accessories. She may have turned back to penis, but at least she's sober. The couple having the baby is beyond cute. The musicians do nothing for me, as yet. Maybe once they start really fighting, I'll perk up.

Kelsey Grammer and Kayte Walsh have a new daughter named Faith. First normal celebrity offspring name all year!

Angel Feet Works Miracles Again!

I get nervous when I go for any kind of therapy. I don't like to be scrutinized or probed*. Last night was no different as I anxiously and sluggishly maneuvered my bloated self through the summer haze. I felt like sh*t, even after running 4.5 miles. No sooner did I set foot in Angel Feet's modest abode than my nerves abated. Angel Feet is a heavenly sanctuary focused on your feet and hands. Angelic Gingie took hold of my aching dogs and searing hands (I knit), rubbing out knots I didn't even know existed. I started to doze off, especially as "Clair de Lune" played softly. Flickering candles and little cherubs made for deliciously snoozy ambiance. Before I knew it, my time was up. My only thought: Book next appointment, which I did. You should, too.

*Get that mind out of the gutter, Hershey.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Sage Stallone Dies

Poor kid. Sylvester Stallone's son was found dead today, allegedly ODing. He was only 36. Investigation is ongoing as to whether accidental.

Very sad. I sort of remember him as a baby. I was like, what is a sage? Then I moved to New Mexico, and now I burn the stuff whenever I can. Will rent Rocky V and Daylight so that I can pay my respects to his rez.

Blessings on your coming and going, Sage!

Omarosa Saves!!!

Remember how a few years ago Omarosa Stallworth was that b*tch we loved to hate? She picked fights with everyone, including Bethenny, Wendy Williams and Piers Morgan. I never bought her treachery because often TV bitchery is just simple fame-whoring. What lies beneath is a heart of gold. I know, I couldn't say that with a straight face either. Say what you will, Omarosa came to Michael Clarke Duncan's rescue early this morning as he went into some cardiac arrest distress. Because I love Duncan, I now love Omarosa.

American Idol is officially screwed since J.Lo and Steven Tyler quit. Ain't no sunshine when she's gone -- both of them. A flower can't grow without the water of Aerosmith's lead singer or the sweet nectar of our favorite maid in Manha'in. I didn't watch this season, and I double-won't-watch next.

Today in quotable TG: "Life is more than just protein." It's funny because he tells this to the cat.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

I Done Hurts M'Self!

Poor adorable, short Kristin Chenoweth got whacked in the head on the Brooklyn set of The Good Wife. Dish had a sympathy dizzy spell right around the same time, though it could have been the # of M&Ms blackberries I ate.

I'm getting all these reports about Demi Moore being estranged from her daughters. I wondered why she didn't stay for Blazer's graduation. No wait, was it Tallulah or Scout? I can't keep track of the offspring. Life is too short, Demi. You're the parent. Make it right.

Because I know everything.

Miss Advised Is My New Crack!

My attempt to wean off reality has FAILED. Matchmakers/love and sexperts trying to sort out their love problems? I'm IN! How does one become a sexpert, by the way? The idea makes me tired but I'm just curious. Can you tell I'm not 25? Who asked you?

Miss Advised has me under a spell. I can't resist San Francisco sexpert Emily with her foray into non-traditional relationships. Sexperts always seem clinical and uninterested in sex, so I wondered about her visit with the polyamorous hippies from the last episode. I adore how LA-based Julia goes to witches to get herself out of her love funk*. DISH DID THE SAME THING in 1995 with great results. To sort out life's questions, I still seek out the woo-woo. Amy, based in NYC, is a fierce Rules girl who keeps breaking The Rules--which we all do. My only beef with her is her bad NYC lighting and how she sneaks in former Bachelor Lorenzo, as her "guy friend." Yeah, my guy friend is Brad Pitt. Do you think we won't notice? Lorenzo may not want to nail her but let's not pretend he's normal and uninterested in extending his 15 minutes. Does Bravo think we're amateurs?

I hope all three women find what they're looking for**. Ya never know when it bites you in the ass. I mean that in the best possible way.

*Stop kissing boys first, especially when blottoed.
**Though Julia, Amy, and Emily are cool enough just by themselves.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Star Sighting: Charlie Rose!!!

9:37 PM, Le Charlot at 69th and Madison: Left unsupervised with the stars, TG acts boldly. It's like unleashing a kindergartener in a paint/glitter store. While fine-dining with TGbrother and TGbrotherwife, he spotted the debonaire newsman and got all twitter-pated. Afterwards, while standing outside watching the man get away, TG yelled out "Charlie Rose!!!" This was exactly what he did with Will Arnett--a brilliant ploy. As Arnett had done, CR came back to see who called his name. Ha! It was TG, that little happy doggie who just wants to loll in your glory and maybe lick your face. Charlie pat him on the back and moved on.

I could hear the excitement in TG's voice as he relayed this up-to-the-minute star sighting. CR wore a blazer, no tie.

The Bachelorette--More Spoilers

This could be a complete ploy to f*ck with Dish's head (most things are), but Perez is reporting that there are Bachelorette spoilers beyond the spoilers. Perhaps, Dish's wish for Emily will come true.

On a more tragic, non-wedding note, Vera Wang is separating from her hubby of five kajillion years. I wish I could feel bad but she makes so much damn money. Money can keep you warm on a cold day, especially if you hire Eddie Cy-Brain's character from Living Out Loud to rub out your troubles.

Real Housewives Updates (Your Group of Girlfriends in the Technology Age):

RHoOC Reunion: Jesus Jugs. The bird flying into Andy Cohen. The monstrous blond hair that took over Tamra and Gretchen's heads. The super-trampy outfits--okay for sunny OC but total Ross Dress for Less hooker in New York. Heather is the only normal one (flawless lip gloss, BTW). I could criticize and judge the whole lot of them but, turns out, I like them all passionately. Sure, Alexis is as dumb as a box of hair, is married to Dr. Strange and won't let criticism penetrate her cotton candy brain, but I still like her. I don't know why. They all seem to be better than the men they've chosen (except for Heather--he's a rich doctor, who are we kidding).

RHoNY: The London trip makes me want to travel and poor Ramona is back giving classes at the Learning Annex. Remember those classes? Dish took one to be more social. What a bomb! They split us up into smaller groups (the way lazy speakers often do) and I was stuck making small talk with Toupee and Grandpa.

Happy Birthday, Lisa Rinna!!!

My favorite recovering lip-filler addict Ass Lips Lisa Rinna turns 49 today and I'm pleased as punch her age is a perfect square. Don't you know how into math I am? Where have you been? I adore Lisa. She's always so perky and positive about life--a true delight. Her TV movies and appearances charm the daylights out of me. She may grab any chance for the spotlight but WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT? Happy Birthday, Lisa! Please join the cast of Dallas pronto. J.R. needs some sexing up (or knock off Bobby's boring wife, at least)...Or wait, hit that J.R. jr, STAT. Lisa, I know that in one slick move you could break Jordana Brewster in half and mount that slightly fem Jonathan Rhys Meyer doppleganger. That is small potatoes for a luscious goddess such as yourself. Do it as soon as you blow out those candles! Harry can watch.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Happy Birthday, Sofia Vergara, Gale Harold and Jessica Simpson!

Who knew so many stars shared this blessed day? Sofia has a new accessory to go with her splendid bosom--an alleged engagement ring! Now that's how you soften the blow of turning 40. I'm so glad she got back together with that guy (though he was trashed in the rags after they broke up) since the lure of a newly single Tom Cruise must have been torture those three minutes she was single!

If your brain enjoys those tasteless crustaceans at the bottom of the ocean, here's more loser deliciousness: It seems Kris Humphries's babymama was never pregnant--JUST FAT. And psycho. Poor Kris, always the pawn and never the queen.

TG and I are now addicted to Cupcake Wars, especially that French judge Florian whose accent and bitchiness we want to bottle and drink all day long.

(Yes, I realize my former imaginary boyfriend Gale's birthday is today and I should give him proper attention but he's not so appealing in real life. JK! Happy Birthday, Dear Lord Brian Kinney!!! I wish I could *be* as cool as you, especially with destroying furniture and dancing all night in clubs--though this is only good in theory)

The Bachelorette: Y'all I'm Really Scared

Due to many, many minutes of watching Emily Maynard cry and wipe away her tears with those neat white-tipped fingers, Dish is running out right now to get the SAME MANICURE. How does she manage to cry without smudging her mascara/eyeliner? I've never mastered this, which explains why TG looks away from my raccoon eyes as I'm flinging precious glass elephant artifacts willy nilly.

I watched last night's episode and, before this, made the mistake of reading spoilers for the finale. I'm SO not happy with my findings but will watch till the bitter end. Sean is too perfect, Jef is secretly 12 years old and Arie is just right, except for his sweaty face. The choice is obvious to Dish and several Dishfriends. But then...I'm not Emily (thank jebus since I couldn't handle being so darling).

There is allegedly a big announcement she's going to make at the end of The Bachelorette. My heart can't stand the suspense.

Monday, July 09, 2012

"Divorce, Divorce, Divorce"

I don't know if you recognize this line from Steven Seagal's Out for Justice where he plays a Brooklyn cop and wears a crazy beret. His wife leaves him because he's SOOOO devoted to his job (and wears a beret). What does this have to do with the staggering price of Apple products? Tom and Katie have allegedly settled their divorce/custody arrangement. That is AWESOME--and drama free. Makes me wonder: Katie must've had a HUGE, HUGE bargaining chip. Also in divorce: Laura Dern is divorcing Ben Harper, for real this time. I psychically knew this because, the other night, our waitress at some Belgian restaurant on the UES (yes, I went there) looked exactly like Laura. It was uncanny.

Kourtney Kardashian gave birth to a girl, named Penelope Scotland (ugh). I wonder if she pulled the baby out of her own maiden's flower the way she did with Mason. Kourt makes childbirth look so easy.

The Mexican

FYI: This flick is almost unwatchable. I'm not even sure I understand the story. It's about a gun, there's a curse, she's kidnapped a few times, and Brad and Julia spend very little time on screen together. We see no bow-chicka-bow-bow.

I only have three observations besides the obvious one that Julia seems so happy during filming since this is where she met cameraman Danny Moder:

1. Julia hurls in the flick. She doesn't vomit much in movies--and you mostly just see her running to the bathroom or is leaning out of a car. The only other time she yakks is in America's Sweethearts when she eats too many carbs.

2. Great chemistry between Julia and Tony Soprano. I kept wanting THEM to kiss even though he's supposed to play gay (I don't buy it). They probably made him gay to offset their mutual sparks.

3. Brad excels at playing a dumbass.

Sunday, July 08, 2012

Rest in Peace, Ernest Borgnine

A friend of Dish wrote a movie and it got produced a few years ago. There were several stars involved, including Ernest Borgnine. Dishscreenwriterfriend said that Borgnine was possibly the nicest star he'd ever met. The man took him around the set and talked with him at length about his screenplay. How cool is that?

EB was honored at some award show recently, long overdue. I remember feeling inspired by his long life. He seemed like one of those actors who doggedly went about his business and didn't agonize too much about minutia. Thank the Cosmic Goddess for people like this.

TG's comment when I told him about Borgnine's death at 95: "Poor guy should've taken better care of himself."

A Diamond in the Mind Is a Girl's Best Friend

If you even mildly like Duran Duran, you will enjoy their latest concert DVD, A Diamond in the Mind, which had a special Facebook premiere this afternoon (TG was so excited!!!). The boys always give good video. You can buy it here. Just remember, you haven't lived until you've seen Simon Le Bon sing "White Lines" in his glittery shirt. Nick Rhodes rocks a diamond brooch like no one else. The "live" Q&A after was a little snoresville since you could only hear them and they sounded suspiciously like my late grandparents.

Dish watched the last bit of Wimbledon where Roger Federer proved once again that beauty and robotic engineering win out over scrappy Scotland. Can't wait for US Open and shots of icy Anna Wintour and aroused Gavin Rossdale in the stands.

Justin Bieber filed a complaint about a nasty pap, which was why he was speeding down the highway. I don't care. He is dead to me since his reference to the "the Sixteenth Chapel" on Letterman.

Barney Frank married his long-time partner and Sienna Miller popped out a baby. Shazam!

Celebrities in the bathroom: I try not to imagine the stars on the can. For some, I can't help myself: John Goodman, Jenny McCarthy, Judd Hirsch, Fergie...but this weekend, another name was added to my list: George Clooney. Isn't that terrible? He and his lady love got food poisoning in Italy, which only means the middle-aged hunk was perched over a toilet, perhaps with projectiles coming from both ends. I'm seeing her sitting in the bidet while he's on the can and spewing into the bathtub. Let's hope someone was there to remove all evidence of the horror.

Saturday, July 07, 2012

What Are You Doing in this God-Forsaken Heat?

It is so hot out. I'm home with a gassy cat, a stack of Julia movies I could never sit through, and a "cat" puzzle. Isn't this the saddest thing? To me, it's ecstasy except for the gassy cat.

As predicted, Kris Humphries's ex's pregnatiousness could upset his divorce battle, proving that he wasn't so heartbroken that he couldn't bang a chick. Though, I'm sorry, judge, he banged a chick who looked like Kim. And sometimes when you feel like crap, you have to bang someone. The real crime is that they might not have used a condom ... and that the chick herself felt so little self-esteem that she had carnal relations with an athlete, which leads to doom.

Who knew Arafat could be such a soap opera post-demise! TG was telling me all about his possibly being poisoned, the mysterious disappearance of 200M dollars, and a suspicious widow, among other rumors. I need to turn my gossip radar to the Middle East.

Dish is gearing up for campaign season. I can't wait for the debates and real CNN/MSNBC punditing.

Friday, July 06, 2012

Happy Birthday, GWB!

I don't mean the George Washing Bridge! Again, sad that I remember such birthdays. Maybe it's just that I want desperately to forget my own next week. 44 is OLD. It's not 40 or 35. It's not HOT. I'll try to make it hot. Enough about me.

Kris Humphries's ex-GF is pregnant allegedly with his child. Vileness. This is smelling more and more like Jersey Shore. I predict a quicker divorce for KK.

Let's talk about my shopping fantasies. Anthropologie.

Thursday, July 05, 2012

Is EVERYONE pregnant?

Thank goodness for the Countess who's getting those fertility treatments (at 47). It makes some of us feel better about being fertilately challenged. But then again, I sort of feel that if the Countess really wanted a baby, she'd fast-track it and do surrogate since she has the $$$ and everyone's doin' it. Why would she carry the baby herself when some sweet 20-something can. Others who are drinking the same baby water include Claire Danes and Mrs. McConaughey for the third time. Sookie is having twin vampires.

I have to divulge a fantasy. Lately, with the whole bombshell Cruise/Holmes divorce, I dream that one night a black limo will pull up at Katie's door. A hooded figure will emerge with strands of red peeking out (not Dish, but I like how you think). The figure is rushed into the building and knocks on the door of a massive apartment. Katie opens to find Nicole Kidman ready for the Mother of Sleepovers.

The tabs are saying Tom is revving up his army. Is that a mixed metaphor?

Wednesday, July 04, 2012

Happy Fourth of July!

Remember Born on the Fourth of July? You know who starred in it? Okay, never mind. I am so over this storyno, you're not. Because of my lack of attention span, I must do bulletpoints:

1. Someone cried during Cupcake Wars last night. I won't say who. Tweren't I.

2. Jessica Simpson wants to be 110 lbs but is satisfied to reach her pre-baby weight of 130. I scoured IMDB and discovered that she's 5'3. Using the associative property, Dish is thinner than Jessica pre-baby weight.

3. I went on a Facebook fast and lasted three days. See above idiocy to show what happens when you don't FB.

4. Bachelorette spoiler: I can see why Emily sent home Chris, though he's way cuter than Jef and Sean (not Arie). He seems like a sweet guy, though a bit uptight. Jef and Sean aren't competition for Arie, in my book.

5. Yentl: Dish had a Streisgasm this morning. Why did I not see this masterpiece before? Moral of the story: No one gets Babs because she's so special.

6. What is Suze Orman DOING? Dishmama called me in a panic last night over Suze hawking short term life insurance and her pre-paid credit card. This is not the Suze we know and love. She's already rich. Why is she doing this? I tried to find out information from her website and it smells like a duck.

Tuesday, July 03, 2012

Happy 50th Birthday, Tom Cruise!!!

Isn't it sad that I remember his birthdays every year? Do I get anything from him? No! Speaking of Tommy-Tomkins, he's spending his 50th in Iceland and wearing an aluminum suit. Is there anything sadder? Let's hope he breaks out the vitamins and sparkling cider and cuts a rug in his underpants. No one's watching.

There were allegations that Scientology was tailing Katie in their big creepy Escalades. So, TMZ called Scientology and was like, are you following her? And Scientology was like, no we're so not. TMZ was like, were you going to ship Suri into Sea Org, and Scientology was like, she's too young for our gleaming ocean program where we might search for alien treasure. Thusly, Scientology cleared of all suspicions! Dish read the Scientology textbook and can assure everyone that Suri is indeed too young for Sea Org. But then I also read the Paul Haggis article and Andrew Morton bio, which cast doubt on Scientology's assertions. How could a religion lie??? Especially if it prettifies so many celebrities: Jenna Elfman, Kelly Preston, Kirstie Alley, John Travolta, Tom.

Just saw this: Rest in Peace, Andy Griffith [cue whistling]. A pleasure to behold.

Monday, July 02, 2012

Oh, Anderson Cooper, You Brighten My Monday

I admired his silence on this issue because it's no one else's business. But I also admire his coming out to show young people that being gay doesn't mean a life of misery. Look at how awesome Anderson is!

Now we know why he spent all his time talking to TG and didn't immediately make a pass at Dish. Or maybe it's just that TG is savvy about international news.

Now we can all go back to enjoying him for all the good work he does.