Friday, December 29, 2006

Julia Jingle: Pregnancy Haiku

Julia Preggers
The key is sep'rate bedrooms
Jules, where is the love?

No quirky romance?
No big laugh at smug hero?
Pretty Woman II?

Watch Mommie Dearest
No more buns in the oven
Chuck serious roles

Diapers are stinky
Say, "I want the fairy tale"

Come back to romance
Make out with a big rich turd
Twenty-five million...

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Damonetics: a bible verse

"How do you like them apples?"

--Good Will Hunting: IX

So, children, when you see them lying in your yard, be they Granny Smith, MacIntosh or those wormy yellow ones, ask yourself--before you chuck them at your bitchy neighbor's window--how do you like them? That is what any good Damoneticist would do.

Rosie Disses The Donald Haiku

Pageant red hairball
Rosie "doesn't enjoy him"
Says, "you're fired, butt munch!"

Now The View is fun
Sugar, spice, nasty and nice
You kick that Donald!

Monday, December 18, 2006

Damonetics: a religion based on the history-changing works of Matt Damon

Today’s Proverb

After school and chores, a sweet girl of sixteen went for a nice walk down a paved road—since that’s what teenagers do. She sang to herself and moved happily until her path came to a dead end. An enormous mansion loomed ahead and she gasped. It was like her dream Barbie house! The windows sparkled with candle light, flowers bloomed in window boxes and a tended lawn surrounded the impressive structure. This was way better than her house on Sadsack Lane.

Just as she was about to turn around, the door to the mansion opened and He appeared. Rainbow colors shimmered in the man's aura and His well-sculpted body was evident as He flexed his calves. Unlike most, He had time to work out; His work depended on it. Under gleaming golden hair that covered a prematurely lined brow (the only imperfection due to not getting a Botox appointment in time), His eyes danced with sardonic amusement. What a stupid girl to get so lost, He thought. Her journey came to him in a vision, made possible by some Grade-A Thai stick.

“Who are you?” the girl asked, pulling on her braids, which were so Melissa Gilbert in Little House on the Prairie.

“I have many names,” He said, securing the belt on his robe. Jail time was steep for those revealing bounty to youth and he was more moral than Mary Tyler Moore-al.

“I’m not into modern technology like iPods and cell phones. But how can I have a mansion like yours?” the girl asked.

“You must follow the way. And make buckets of money.”

“Why do I need money if I have the way?”

A silence permeated the air. She got nervous as she watched His eyes cloud. Then, finally, he spoke.

“Silly rabbit, you must stop confusing the matter with such complicated questions. Simplicity is best.” With that, He took out a comb from the pocket of his silk robe and worked his hair into an even more brilliant sheen. “How does it look?” Angling his head, He raised an eyebrow in question.

So inspired, the girl’s young bosom heaved. “It looks fabulous.” With that, she turned and skipped all the way home.

Moral of the story: When things become too difficult, follow the law of Damonetics and worry about your hair.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Star Sighting

11/16/06--11:20 p.m., somewhere north of Houston Street: After Date #2 with Very Nice Person, I rode the elevator home with beautiful and perky Joyce DeWitt. I didn't try to engage her in conversation (though she did tell me once she was about to "pig out on brownies"), plus she looked tired. Also, I was too preoccupied with fantasies of eating the peppermint chocolate bars in my fridge.

Happy Birthday!

Today is important because it’s Jon Tenney’s birthday. Forty-five years ago, the heavens parted and God pointed his finger downward. “Behold, Jon, and heed the word of the Lord,” He bellowed. “After graduating from Vassar, thou shalt dazzle New York theater crowds in The Heiress and The Substance of Fire. Heretofore, most excellent TV shows like Equal Justice and The Closer will showcase your Me-given gifts. Thou shalt trade barbs with Matthew Perry in Fools Rush in, though we have a hard time believing you’re the mean guy. Most importantly, thou shalt bear a daughter, Emerson, whose talents and gorgeosity (from the perfect gene pool) will shine upon the land.” And so it was. Our Dish wish is for Jon Tenney to have a great birthday and enjoy the rest of his forties. Forty-five is that much closer to fifty. Just ask Bruce Willis, Billy Bob Thorton and Harrison Ford. Fifty is fabulous. So actually, happy early 50th birthday. We think you’re bitchin’ (as long as you don’t get an earring because that would be desperate).

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Superman Haiku

Knocked up Lois Lane
Flies away when he needs to
Do capes pay the bills?

Friday, December 08, 2006

Star Sighting

10:38 p.m.--Fresh from my date with a very nice person, I stepped into the subway stop at 50th and Broadway and almost walked into Holland Taylor. She was luscious and rummaging in her bag before popping a wad of gum in her mouth. I walked by her twice just to see her chomp. How I wanted to tell her that her pivotal line in Legally Blonde--"If you're going to let one stupid prick ruin your life, you're not the girl I thought you were"--was and still is my mantra. Also, that I've loved her since "Bosom Buddies." I ESPeed it to her instead.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Keanu's Korner--a Haiku

Coolness Class starts now
Dude, it's called a thinking cap
Like brain suspension?

The Conversation

Darling, the cosine function is only used when evaluating xy over my butt.

Yo, I think your butt would be a whole integer and not a cosine.

The only cosine you know anything about is what the bank asks when you want to get another house.

Speaking of houses, the area of a receptacle is height times altitude.

I think your receptacle has too much depth.

Baby, you say the sweetest things.

The Conversation

Katnip, how can you say Jane Eyre is about colonial rule? That's so whack!

Snookiebear, he fornicated with that ugly nanny and kept his wife in a cage. Sorta like, ya know, England dominating whatever? We so don't stand for that in the U.S. And I really don't like to be dominated. I mean, I sort of do, but not really.

Come on, poopiepants, would I ever keep you in a cage? Rochester's beyotch-wife was insane and you're so not.

Thanks so much, my short snap-crackle-doodle-bug. I promise I will never ever wever set your housey-wousey on fire.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006


No sooner does Dish show off her masterful Photoshopping with an Aniston haiku than she reads that Jen and Vince have broken up. How will Jennifer deal with the foiled attempt at relationship one-upmanship now that her ex-husband is all snug in a bug on a rug? Get someone else FAST! Someone better and famouser. Like, I can't say it. And besides, he just got married so that wouldn't be nice. If only everyone could have their failed relationships in the headlines. Speaking of headlines, Dish is going out on her first date in ten months. Where did all the time go? Not that this is exciting, but certainly a miracle given absorption in work and Sudoku puzzles. And yet, there will always be time to draw mustaches on stars.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Evil Software Haiku

Dish loves the Jen, yet
we taught ourselves Photoshop

Monday, December 04, 2006

World Events Haiku

The Closer back on!
People dying in Iraq
Brit flashes cho-cho

Bolton goes bye bye
Brown cloud on Albuquerque
Where are Tom and Kate?