Tuesday, January 31, 2012

I Rode the Elevator with Peter Riegert!

5:27 pm, somewhere in Manhattan. I saw the opportunity and I took it. I flew into the elevator containing only one other passenger. Of course, I averted my gaze because I couldn't look at The Sun aka Peter Riegert.It took all my strength not to ask, "Are you The Pickle Man?" If you're a girl, this reference is obvious (Crossing Delancey). Instead I said, "Good night, you awesome venerable judge and lawyer on crime dramas." My knees are still weak.

On to news and updates:

So many X Factor judges gone! Dish never watched but is this to drum up new excitement? Can it compete with The Voice and AI?

The Bachelor: I fantasize that one of the girls will get the stomach flu and give it all around--two hours of vileness coming out of both ends. It really is a petri dish for germs. But true love is being sick with your love.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Reunion: I'm not sure if it was the lighting, but the gals looked like dog-sh*t last night. Maloof resembles her own Muppet and I wanted to say, enough procedures. They are all attractive as is. To me, Camille and Kyle looked the least plastic. They bickered about a whole lotta nothing.

Kourtney and Kim Take New York: Kim's distancing from her new husband Kris and how the relationship kept filling her with anxiety and panic--I understand! Twice, I made a commitment (not engagement) to the wrong man and felt life spiraling out of control. I didn't want to hurt a good person and I had to. So, you see, Kim Kardashian and I are so similar. Kim, I did get a furry tailmy fairy tale in my the end. TG is my Prince Charming each and every day--worth the wait.

Chord Overstreet and Emma Roberts are no more. I feel sad for Chord since this means a distancing from The Julia.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Step Back, Maggie. Shirl Is Comin' to Downton!

Did you hear the shriek of ecstasy in Manhattan's financial district? That was Dish reading that Shirley MacLaine is joining the cast of Downton Abbey, the sensation that's sweeping this anglophile nation. She and Maggie and Elizabeth--there are no words. I'm verklempt!

Re SAGs: Well, my picks were wrong, mostly because I forgot that the stars are all about: Craft and Political Correctness. Do not reward projects about or containing: drugs, bad people, actresses with huge boobs, frivolity, serial killing (unless actor is enduring strife in real life). And always give the award to Betty White. I saw 95% of the movies/TV, am obsessed with all the nominees. I just didn't agree. But then, awards are just gravy to excellent work.

SAG observations:

Who looked really pissed to be there: Angelina Jolie, Armie Hammer
Gorgeous: Viola Davis (I cried when she won, even though I thought Michelle or Meryl would--Viola is a goddess), Glenn Close, Michelle Williams and Sofia Vergara (the new Susan Lucci of award shows), Jane Lynch!
Angelina talking to Tilda Swinton at the end--what was that about?

The latest:

Mary Hamer "resigns" from the Joran van der Sloot case. Anderson crying over potential loss of ratings.

Elton John is my hero! I love his bitchiness. He says he hopes Madonna lip syncs "good" at the Superbowl halftime show.

Biggest news: Get your DVRs ready. Dish and TG will be on TV, on Valentine's Day! More details next week!

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Dish's SAG Predictions!

Let's see if I get any of these right! Putting myself in a Zen place, i.e. the celebrity brain:

Outstanding performance by a male actor in a leading role:
JEAN DUJARDIN as George - "The Artist"

Outstanding performance by a female actor in a leading role:

MICHELLE WILLIAMS as Marilyn Monroe - "My Week With Marilyn"

Outstanding performance by a male actor in a supporting role:
CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER as Hal - "Beginners"

Outstanding performance by a female actor in a supporting role:
BÉRÉNICE BEJO as Peppy - "The Artist"

Outstanding performance by a cast in a motion picture:
"The Artist"


Outstanding performance by a male actor in a drama series
BRYAN CRANSTON as Walter White - "Breaking Bad"

Outstanding performance by a female actor in a drama series:
JESSICA LANGE as Constance - "American Horror Story"

Outstanding performance by a male actor in a comedy series:
STEVE CARELL as Michael Scott - "The Office"

Outstanding performance by a female actor in a comedy series:
SOFIA VERGARA as Gloria Delgado-Pritchett - "Modern Family"

Outstanding performance by an ensemble in a drama series:
"Breaking Bad" (I'm not sure it will win, but it SHOULD win since I watched the others)

Outstanding performance by an ensemble in a comedy series:
"Modern Family"

Outstanding performance by a male actor in a television movie or miniseries:
GUY PEARCE as Monty Beragon - "Mildred Pierce" (or it could go to Thurgood)

Outstanding performance by a female actor in a television movie or Miniseries:
MAGGIE SMITH as Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham - "Downton Abbey" (Oh god, but will probably go to Kate!)

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Donkey Sperm--Take Two

There's a chance that Fear Factor episode may be pulled due to outrage for donkeys. So many questions here. Why not use human sperm? In large quantities, this could be deemed highly disgusting especially if mixed with urine. Why not just eat sh*t? Please, Fear Factor. Sh*t hurts no one the way donkey sperm does. I still want to know how they got the donkeys to ejaculate. It was Lindsay's Playboy spread, wasn't it?

I'm digging here. All I can find for news--aside from anchorman Greg Kelly being accused of rape which I'm avoiding--is that Demi Moore might have a Red Bull addiction. Like Red Bull instead of food, which is a little like the Dish diet of Diet Coke in large quantities and nothing else. The problem is that I can't stick to my diet the way Demi can, which is why I'm not a star. Yet. I might have to go on this diet next week. Stay tuned for details.

Oh wait, there is Mary Hamer, guardian angel to convicted murderer Joran van der Sloot. She made her second appearance on Anderson this week and seemed just as insane (but fabulous television). Her reasoning for taking on this cause makes no sense aside from Desperate Woman Syndrome (I hate that I wrote that but it's written all over her face). And while she preaches peace and rehabilitation of a murderer, her facial expression conveys something positively demonic and rage-filled. Somehow, I'm sure, this all relates to donkey sperm.

Insomnia struck again and I made the colossal mistake of watching the pilot for Prison Break. Now I'm hooked. We know why. Because it's a little gay--as gay as Fox will allow--and I'm still mourning the end of Queer As Folk (7 years now). The acting/writing is not mind-blowing but I. Don't. Care.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Today's Biggest Story Has to Do with...

Donkey jizz. On Fear Factor, they are making contestants drink donkey semen to get to the next round. I'd like to know how they get that donkey juice. FF Perverts! This show is right up TG's alley. In fact, he should be a contestant. I'm not implying anything about his experience with donkeys--just that he is fearless. I never liked the show because vomiting and putting a hand in a tank full of slugs holds no appeal.

There was a Cher death hoax today and Thank Cher, it's not true.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Juan Epstein, You Left a Mark on This Girl!

I mean that in the saddest way for the hilarious Robert Hegyes aka "Juan Epstein" of Welcome Back, Kotter has passed away. Dish spent hours and hours watching the show, drooling over John Travolta and fantasizing that Marcia Strassman wanted to get in his pants even though married to Gabe Kaplan. But really, this show had an ensemble cast and RH rocked! Blessings on his coming and going.

Such turbulence today. Pat Sajak admits to drunkenness while hosting Wheel of Fortune. I don't blame him one bit and I applaud him for keeping his sh*t together. It must be freaking boring to keep spinning the wheel for thirty years. Bottoms up! Another game show host, Drew Carey ended his five-year (red flag) engagement. Hmmmm. I won't make any guesses as to what happened to that relationship. Okay, I will! She couldn't deal with having to go to Cleveland. That would be a deal-breaker for Dish.

On the lighter side: Armie Hammer arrested for maryjane. How cute!!!

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Demi to Get Her Groove Back

Yesterday Demi Moore was rushed to the hospital for "exhaustion" and other medical issues. I'm tired too! The gossips are fueling the fire with reports of anorexia (um, duh--but could be situational), an epileptic seizure (didn't know that), does she miss being married to David Arquette, and was substance abuse involved, specifically whip-its? The real problem is that Dish isn't there to scoop up these over-40 female celebs and plop them into my new school:

The Academy for Female Celebs Who Can't Cope with Being Over the Hill in Hollywood AFCWCCBOTHH.

My first pupils would be Heather Locklear, Courtney Love (though she's needed this since her 20s), and Demi Moore. Here are some courses:

Reinvention 101: Do as Madonna does just with a little more substance and without the ropey arms.
Substance Use in Moderation: Sometimes you might need a glass of Pinot or a Xanax, just don't take 5.
Too Much Botox Means No Oscar: But fab for reality show? What will make you famouser? Discuss.
Sexy at Any Age: Guest lectures by Jacqueline Bissett and Helen Mirren.

Dish watched The Ides of March. It's pretty good, compact, delivers a not-so-subtle message against repubs and dems, George Clooney is charming, Evan Rachel Wood and Ryan Gosling are brilliant. Hopeful politico becomes jaded and finds a way to use the system, hence why Washington is broken. Not so Oscar-ish.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

And the Nominees Are...

...not surprising, especially that Leonardo DiCaprio was shut out yet again! Why oh why, though, are there so many Best Picture nominees? Is it to please the whole child? Is this the new No Film Left Behind program? BARF!

Speaking of which...we're feeling better. Fever gone down but for a good day I was like Kate Winslet in Sense and Sensibility--sweating and pale after Willoughby spurns her advances.

As I convalesced, I watched the following:

Untouchable: The Drew Peterson Story--Worst thing Rob Lowe has ever done. He should never have quit The West Wing.

Sexting in Suburbia
--Teen girl texts her naked self to ahole BF and it spreads. Bullying ensues, she hangs herself, Mom is pissed. Unwatchable!

I Don't Know How She Does It: SJP is a delight and lights up a screen. The message, however, is that stay-at-home moms suck and worker-moms are the real heroes of parenting. I was pissed and I don't have kids. Great minor roles played by Olivia Munn, Pierce Brosnan and Christina Hendricks.

Anderson: Anderson Cooper's talk show on "Purity balls". Worth it just to hear him keep saying "Purity balls" and "balls."

Learned also that Tim Gunn has been celibate for 29 years. No wonder he gets so much done!!!

Last bit from the Perez Hilton. Dish is also on Team Joan, forever:

Monday, January 23, 2012

Flattened Dish

Food poisoning. Will never eat again. Only good part,weight loss. In the meantime, feel like death, don't care about stars.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

I'm Taller Than Glenn Close!

How awesome is that? Here I was thinking she was at least Uma-sized. How twisted that I would research her height, personal details for my own satisfaction. Today I pondered how Glenn must feel to be in Meryl's shadow all the time or maybe I imagine this. I love them both and feel they serve distinct purposes. Glenn chews scenery so deliciously. Meryl gets a moving truck and inhabits a scene. I sort of would like to see them in a flick together. Maybe as bakery owners who fall for the same man. They wind up throwing yeast at each other and cackle like witches.

Today's news: Bryce Dallas Howard birthed a wee bairn, female. Penn coach Joe Paterno died, kinda Greek tragique. Dish is caught up on Downton Abbey (Bates + Anna 4evs!). So much football today all of which I missed. Some tabloids are reporting that Heidi and Seal are not splitting up but the marriage is rocky. Could it be to get more publicity? I wouldn't put it past Ms. Stepford-eyed fraulein!

And now, I must to bed.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

I Will Never Doubt Meryl Streep Again...

She was so good in The Iron Lady I could barely breathe. I tried to picture myself doing what she does. I couldn't. She created so many layers to Margaret Thatcher, both Dishmama and I thought we were watching Thatcher herself. She is that good. If she doesn't win the Oscar, they are just wrong. While I wouldn't say The Iron Lady is Best Picture or that the humanizing of Thatcher contained subtlety, Streep is magnificent and I remembered so much of the history in the movie. Though no Duran Duran references, which vexed me greatly. Whoever did the costumes should also win an Oscar.

The big news this weekend and another sign of the apocalypse: The one woman that frightens Dish more than real animals digitized to talk: Heidi Klum is set to file for divorce from Seal. What went wrong? I don't understand. I thought they made beautiful music together.

Latest obsession: Downton Abbey, which revives old girl crush on Elizabeth McGovern and ignites a new deep love for the honorable Bates. No need for TG to be jealous as Bates could be my uncle.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Rest in Peace, Etta James

This legendary diva gave us one of Dish's favorite yet overplayed songs ever. We thank her for the gift of her songs!

More bad news: Kenny G and his wife split, though this could be good news for some lucky perm-loving lady. Speaking of funky hair, Katy Perry unfollowed Russell Brand on Twitter. OMG!!!! Meltdown!!!

Today's rumor: Both Aniston and Jolie are pregnant! I saw an incriminating photo where Jen does indeed seem to be about 6 months along. Or it could be a huge pillow. I did that to avoid being hassled on the metro in Paris (I am *that* beautiful) and wanted a seat. Newsflash: Parisians are more apt to give up their seats for the old and pregnant than seat-hog New Yorkers (and by this, I mean men). As for Angelina, anything's possible. The poor dear does need to put on a few pounds and in our fantasies, she and Brad can never stop copulating because they are gorgeous A-lister stars.

Last night's Republican debate in SC: All the candidates except for Ron Paul spoke of Obama in such vile terms, all but saying he was an uppity you-know-what. It's very sad to see how racism lives on. Good thing Obama could out-debate any of them, though Ron Paul is fun to watch. Love that John King had the cojones to ask Newt about his skanky ways. Hillary forever!

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Happy Birthday, Dolly Parton!

Words to live by from Mistress Dolly: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKeulwZ3sGE. This song got me through a very bumpy plane ride to Canada. She was adorable on the talk show by He Who Is No Longer Mentioned.

Politics are the new soap opera: Rick Perry has dropped out, Newt Gingrich's wife spilled about his wanting a open marriage and being an overall dick, Santorum actually won Iowa, and there's a debate tonight. It's epic WTF time in the Grand OLD Party!

During lunch trolling, I saw a pic of Snooki without makeup. Being a catty female, I never say this, but she's BEAUTIFUL without makeup. I was transfixed.

Today's rumor--that Michael C. Hall and Jennifer Carpenter back together and were caught canoodling. This would make me so happy. This past season of Dexter, you could see the strain. She seemed way too thin and he wasn't as dynamic (or maybe I'm adapting observation to fit this rumor). Please let them be back together! Let's double the incest vibe already on the show.

I just fainted: Jeff Goldblum and Brian Stokes Mitchell as Rachel Berry's gay dads on Glee. Ryan Murphy should get a medal for bringing together two tall drinks of water who are perversely attractive to me: Jane Lynch and Jeff Goldblum. Please put them in bed together for a drunken The Next Best Thing twist.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Dish and TG Might Get a Second Life!

I saw very few "blackouts" on the web and I'm not sure this strike is happening. So I'll blog today and I won't bury the lead: We might be on TV very soon. And meet someone on a par with Anderson! Dish is already hyperventilating and counting chickens. TG asked me if it would be on a major network and if he could have blue M&Ms in his private dressing room.

Not so exciting, but juicy: Tabloids allege that Vanessa and Johnny have split. This will make many of my friends happy but for Dish, it hits right in the sternum. Watch Vanessa: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJrHSfDSm34. I dare you not to fall into a trance--if only to validate the sexiness of baggy sweatshirts. Ah, jailbait.

Brad's ex Emily Maynard is the next Bachelorette. OMG but not surprised. Dish will get lulled into a false sense of southern hospitality though her teeth scare me a little.

John Taylor is having Tweet diarrhea. Mistake to follow him? Though after 29 years of love, Dish can't quit her boys!

Mark Wahlberg pissed off anyone affected by 9/11 by inferring he could have saved the plane--or something. Napoleons always say that. At least he apologized and now he can go back to making his violent feel-good movies. Mostly, I think he's awesome and this comment showed his frustration/rage over almost having been on that plane.

It's so hard to be famous when everything you say is scrutinized and mostly misunderstood!

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Strike Tomorrow

I just caught a headline about some internet strike--Sopapilla or something--about censorship and I'm all for it, I mean against it. Dish is down tomorrow.


Dish Served Cold Right Here!!!

Today a woman ran away from me, ostensibly to get to her destination faster but I know she didn't want to endure the drudgery of small talk with Dish. My first thought was, "I'll show you." If I were on Housewives, I'd call her and make a lunch date, then throw a big public hissy. Then I realized, I'm 43. Aren't I above these bitchy revenge schemes?

Think again!

I could see Dishshrink's brow furrowing when I told her revenge made me stronger, not weaker. It motivated me to break boards with my hands, eat a whole tin of Altoids and do jumping jacks in my office. I looked off to the side as memories of persecution and retribution filled my soul. The person who said, "The best revenge is living well" needs to cuddle his stuffed ducky!

My enemy list is rife with jackasses on whom I wish a thousand ills. But I would never act on my malice because my pathetic rivals tend to hurt themselves. The key to revenge is patience and Dish has this in abundance.

Yes, I watched 10 episodes of ABC's Revenge starring Pointy-Nosed Actress all in one weekend. After learning that MLK plagiarized his dissertation, I had to take a hiatus from peace, love, and understanding. Revenge inspired me to be cold, calculating and smarter than everyone. Like PNA, I'll go to Japan where I'll receive my special Karate Kid training.

In addition, all you Dish subjects, I shall perfect a monotone, like PNA, as I wreak havoc on my foes. Right now, I sound like Selma from The Simpsons thanks to twenty years of puffing Parliaments/Merits/Marlboros/Gaulois/Cafe Creme/Vagina Slimes/Anything that smokes. All that will change.

I will be bland. I will be blonde. I will get my revenge!

The Geezers Are Having a Hard Time!

Poor Paula Deen. Poor Bruce Jenner. Someone has to preach the deliciousness of fatty food. So why is Anthony Bourdain condemning her? Maybe he's in love with her. Even though she gave herself Diabetes, she is adorable and America loves her. Are we all supposed to eat steamed vegetables and fish seared in water? I may be pre-Diabetic myself but I'd like the occasional opportunity to fry my food in butter then throw it in a vat of sugar then powder it with some spiced melatonin, while listening to Duran Duran. We might as well burn all of Julia Child's books, too. As for Bruce Jenner having a touch of skin cancer, I wish the poor guy luck. He has enough on his plate of smoked salmon and celery stalks with nothing on them.

The Bachelor--Blow by Precious Blow. Dish was on Team Kacie B--who looked the best in a bikini--but given Ben's nerdlike ways (the Keanu makeover does NOT cover up this Pointdexter) I'd choose the Ph.D scientist who went up the bridge and conquered her fear of heights. Their phobia-facing kiss warmed my cockles as true fake TV love blossomed in the highest! How sad that one girl felt so conflicted about herself that she left, but in true Bachelor fashion, you have to sweep off the crazies, the tormented and the uggos who didn't belong in the first place. I felt terrible for the swooning girl--that would have been Dish from lack of sleep, nourishment, proximity to future reality celebrities--but no guy likes such antics. Pointdexter didn't seem to react either, which means he won't be visiting you in the hospital unless you're almost totally recovered. So glad he kicked off Morticia, though her storming in was incredibly contrived and the girls did a poor job of acting outraged. Double-lame. Yes, I'll watch next week.

Monday, January 16, 2012

I Saw Jodie's "Beaver"

And it was terrible, though Dish enjoys Jodie to the hilt. Now we get to enjoy the behind-the-scenes dirt!

As reported, Kayte Walsh is carrying Grammer seeds. She had the audacity to go red, no doubt taking a page from Dish. She seems highly perky and delightful in pictures and I hope she is happy in this marriage and that it lasts for a long time. One must enter the Hollywood marriage machine with eyes wide open. I am on Team Camille and Team Kayte--just not Team Kelsey anymore. An elephant never forgets.

Elton's hubby David Furnish went off on Madonna for winning best song. I love a good fight between icons! Granted, I give major props to any diva directing and writing a big-ass movie, especially a period piece where you have to read a history book. But I love Elton's bitter cranky grudges!

Kate Major was arrested again for smacking a cop. Did I already report that? I just did it again. Bachelor Pad's Kasey Kahl arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct. Rob Lowe as Drew Peterson: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CRRcL0vkPsQ.

How the mighty have fallen.

Happy Wedding Anniversary to Dish and TG!

One year ago, I walked down the aisle to "Rio" and married my Prince Charming. If you scroll back a few years, you'll see Dish's long journey to this unexpected event. Some highs and lows but I can say that with TG, I "just knew." Like you know with a good melon.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Great job, Ricky!

Ricky made everyone so nervous at the beginning. You could see audience was far too serious or dumb in that they couldn't keep up with him. But he was a bit more subdued from last year, which means he will probably host again.

As usual, I was wrong on almost every award! What can I say, I'm an American and under 50. Here are my thoughts:

Gingies can wear yellow and white: Mireille Enos, Jessica Chastain
The dresses that looked like boats: Kyle Richards, Kelly Osbourne, Debra Messing, Julia Bowen
Sleek, gorgeous, glamorous, sparkling: Angelina Jolie (I know, shocking), Missi Pyle, Stacey Keibler, Berenice Bejo, Elizabeth McGovern, Julianne Moore
Curtains: Amanda Peet, Charlize Theron
Penis Hair award: Julianna Margulies, Kelly McDonald,
Wrong Color: Sarah Hyland, Paula Patton, Katharine McPhee, Emma Stone--about 50% of dresses
Best jugs: Sofia Vergara even though they were covered up. Not a lot of breasts this year.
Prom Dress (not in a bad way): Mila Kunis, Madeline Stowe
Old broads looking fab: Glenn Close, Tilda Swinton (she didn't look as much like an alien), Helen Mirren
Drunkest: Johnny Depp
Boring in Black: Jane lynch (I love her, tho--have a dress just like this)
Great dress, bad hair: Reese Witherspoon, Emily Blunt
Best reaction to Ricky Gervais: Jodie Foster
Funniest Ricky: Outing Jodie more, his intro to Colin Firth
Ickiest: Seth's comment about his erection next to Kate Beckinsale
Belle of the bal: Sofia Vergara

Prevailing theme: light colors to go with pale complexions. All wrong!

Little golden nuggets: Kayte Walsh preggo with twins. Jon Huntsman dropped out of GOP race.

I've Contributed to the Downfall of America!!!

Despite all the bad reviews, despite her being an evil genius, despite the fakery, the scary dark eyeshadow and Joyce DeWitt wannabe hair, I BOUGHT Kris Jenner's latest book and I hate myself. The worst part, I rationalized this depravity by saying, "It's part of my job to know about pop culture." Forgive me, readers.

Will start on it as soon as I've finished Mary Jo Buttafuoco's book. Will offset this double permanent damage by plowing through another two pages of Proust...in the original French!!!

Dish's Golden Globe Predictions/Wishes:

I cannot wait to hear what Ricky Gervais says! His malice is so refreshing. I won't tarry with my choices:


Best Picture--Drama: The Descendants (my wish is for Moneyball but Clooney is the Golden God)

Best Actress--Drama: Viola Davis for The Help (movie slow but Viola is awesome, understated and shows acting can be good without all the prosthetics)

Best Actor--Drama: George Clooney in The Descending Testicles zzzzzz (my wish is for Brad Pitt in Moneyball)

Best Picture--Comedy: The Artist

Best Actress--Comedy: Michelle Williams for My Week With Marilyn (Give her a bone)

Best Actor--Comedy: Jean Dujardin for The Artist (It must be)

Supporting Actress: Berenice Bejo

Supporting Actor: Viggo Mortensen (playing Freud, though Kenneth Branagh and Jonah Hill were brilliant and I would not choose them b/c Jonah's too young, My Week with Marilyn wasn't amazing)

Best Foreign Film: In the Land of Blood and Honey

Best Animated Feature: Rango (I have no idea)

Best Director: Michel Hazanavicius (He did something DIFFERENT and artful!)

Best Screenplay: The Descendants

Best Original Score: The Artist

Best Song: "Hello, Hello" from Gnomeo & Juliet (I have no idea)


Best Series--Drama: Game of Thrones (though my choice is Breaking Bad) though split on American Horror Story and Homeland. Crap! I don't know.

Best Actress--Drama: Mireille Enos in The Killing

Best Actor--Drama: Bryan Cranston in Breaking Bad

Best Series--Comedy: Modern Family

Best Actress--Comedy: Zooey Deschanel of New Girl (I predict an upset)

Best Actor--Comedy: Alec Baldwin of 30 Rock

Best Miniseries: Downtown Abbey (everyone's squealing over this)

Best Actress in a Miniseries: Elizabeth McGovern for Downtown Abbey (because I love her to death since Ordinary People playing Janine Pratt!)

Best Actor in a Miniseries: Hugh Bonneville in Downtown Abbey. He just rocks in general, amazing body of work. Amazing body.

Best Supporting Actor in Miniseries/Series: Sofia Vergara of Modern Family(just for gorgeous boobs alone)

Best Supporting Actress in Miniseries/Series: Peter Dinklage in Game of Thrones (I've never seen this but he's consistently awesome but I'd be delighted with Eric Stonestreet)

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Possible Star Sighting--Hank Azaria!!!

3:00 pm: 18th Street, exiting the building, I potentially spot a fully helmeted Hank Azaria getting on a motorcycle. I pssst TG and tell him. TG freaked because he hearts Hank and he ran back to say, "I love your work" and give him a thumbs up. Mortified, Dish kept walking though figured that H.A. would think TG was admiring his hog. It may not have been Hank Azaria at all...

Broadway-scion Eric Nederlander was allegedly charged with violating an order of protection for pulling his girlfriend's hair, the same GF he allegedly punched and smashed into pexiglas cab window. Dish always wondered why Jessica Seinfeld left him after three weeks of marriage. This would do it for me, though who knows what happens between couples.

Dish dreamed she had cancer of the chest (?) and worked as a cocktail waitress while going through chemo. I left my station for a few hours during which someone very smartly stole all my money. Luckily, my boss wasn't upset. But then Nile Rodgers--also battling cancer but in real life--invited me to a concert in Germany. I woke to a cat smacking my face and then felt immense relief not to be sick.

TG and I discussed how good Benjamin Bratt was in Modern Family. We like him when he's not serious.

Friday, January 13, 2012

A Crazy Day for Female Celebrities! Dish Is Here for Amateur Counseling!

So, Sinead O'Connor ended her marriage AGAIN, blaming the evil media (though, she is media herself). What's a quirky, wildly-talented middle-aged babe to do? She sought a man for sexcapades and affection. A man stepped up--a drug counselor, no less--and it still didn't work. If their marriage can't last, what hope do the rest of us have?

Our favorite cute blond from the 80s and 90s (she could skip the last decade) Heather Locklear mixed Rx and booze, winding up in the hospital. I love her. I don't want her to be sick. She needs to be on TV. Aside from the substance abuse, why isn't her phone ringing?

My favorite celebri-cook Paula Deen announced that she has the diabooties, a lesson for us to work out and watch that sugar. Dish is a little pre-diabetic and thin-nish so we're all at risk. Let's end this epidemic and eat good!

It shouldn't be a surprise: Anderson Cooper's talk show is dead to me. Not only is our episode probably never airing thereby holding the Dish/TG celebrity hostage, but he's doing a show on toddlers and bikini waxing. I draw the line.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Dish's New 2012 Diet!

TG and I might have reached a new low (or is it high)as I ate macaroni & cheese while watching him do his ab workout while he watched Jail, a self-explanatory reality show. Guess who's lost two pounds? Me!

Don't Buy Gifts Just Yet: Halle Berry is not engaged! She and Olivier are just going steady. Hurry up, Halle. You don't want to keep us from speculating further on your relationship, do you? And what's the latest on Johnny/Vanessa? It's been days since we saw the shocking photos of Vanessa without makeup, allegedly wan from the misery of a Depp-less day.

Kardashian/Beyonce drama continues with no good outcome. The Khloe Kardashian paternity issue is vile. I wouldn't wish that rumor on those I hate most but it's juicy controversy that comes at a fascinating time. No doubt Khloe will show us her resilience on an ep of Khloe & Lamar. As for the Blue Ivy birthing, I'm sure there was a big production. Beyon-Z are laughing all the way to the bank with the new baby-inspired song. I would gladly hire them to manage my 401K.

Dish signed up for Mama Gena's NYC class in February. Just a lark for this uptight New England WASP. Am envisioning coconut bras, celebrating my inner goddess and stuffing dollar-bills down my own pants. Can't wait!

My good deed for the day: 1 Chapter of Wheelock's Latin. Bad deed: Pretending cat hurl behind the couch doesn't exist.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Kardashian Bombshell That Seems Kinda Malish

The tabloids suddenly and inexplicably seem fixated on the possibility that Khloe Kardashian, the scary and least robotic one, is not biologically a Kardashian. If I were Khloe, I'd be enraged but also not surprised--since all bets are off when you're a K. On the bright side, she's richer than the people reporting these awful things. The rumors might be originating from Robert Kardashian's last wife who also spewed that Bruce Jenner cross-dresses. As if this will get me out of bed in the morning. Give me something *really* scandalous -- like photographic evidence that Bruce and Kris still do it.

In a related note, God Bryan Ferry got married to a sweet young lass. More than this? There's nothing. Well, except this clip, which made me cry despite off key. Think it was the sequins: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H5JyHrqLJNk&list=FLgKF76xPBOTIX6LFpyz2cwA&index=61&feature=plpp_video.

Halle Berry is engaged to Olivier Martinez, but those pesky French boys, so secretive. He popped the question six months ago. Remember when Richard Gere clocked him in Unfaithful? Maybe I need to stop watching Snapped.

Which reminds me, Revenge. Just started watching, thanks to two gay male friends who say it's "The Best". I have misgivings when a series begins with a voice-over, "When I was a little girl..." Pointy-nosed-actress from Brothers & Sisters gives me a dull gut ache but I'm willing to get through a few eps.

So, Bill O'Reilly having NYPD spy on his wife to see if she's cheating? If true, love is alive on Fox!

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

If You Live in NYC, You're Too Nuts for "The Bachelor"

Incidentally, this is my choice for the winner of The Bachelor. Dish doesn't have a whole lot of experience watching The Bachelor (bahahaha) but even this blogger notices a trend. NYC contestants tend not to last. Their craziness stands out amidst the dulcet tones of fine southern ladies and perky nurses from the West coast. NY girls are too crazy, claustrophic/agoraphobic, manic and mal-adjusted. This may be a great city, but it f*cks you up big-time to the point where you can't stop with the rapid eye movement while in public places, you can barely hold a conversation without convulsions and hyperventilating is the norm.

Let's talk about me now.

Golden Globes this Sunday! TG is dying to watch. JK: he's watching Penis Bomb Patrol and I no longer exist. Our one-year wedding anniversary is a holiday this year. Dish is working on a meaningful gift, but will not hold a candle to the blue topaz earrings.

Congratulations to Breaking Bad's Aaron Paul who got engaged. I hope this show wins big at the Golden Globes. Having senior moment--TV is included, right? Oh God.

Monday, January 09, 2012

Star Sighting--Dana Ivey!!!

10:45am: Dishbrother reports the sighting while boarding the Downtown 1 train at 86th Street. Dana seemed annoyed "as usual" but then sat down, whipped out a magazine and appeared perfectly happy. Go, Dana! Angry Birds also helps cool my jets on a stuffy car.

AnnaLynne McCord "accidentally" tweeted her tatas to a no-doubt delighted fan. It's an epidemic! If you can't be topless in a movie, why not Tweet it! Mayhap this blossoms into a movie project for McCord.

Of all the injustice! Snoop Dogg arrested in Texas for carrying around the maryjane. Come on. It's Snoop. He's not hurting anyone and we like when he does cameos on shows. Just let him go.

And so much controversy and news over Beyonce's birth. Jay-Z released a new song about it--already being the best father ever! And allegedly, this was a vadge-birth and not a C-section and were hospital personnel ignoring non-celeb babies? We need the facts ASAP. Maybe consider holding a press conference to clear up all misconceptions.

Sunday, January 08, 2012

Beyonce's Baby Is Here!

Oh, and Jay-Z might have had something to do with it. A little girl Blue Ivy Carter arrived at some point via C-section. The celebs never disappoint with the quirky names, though this one is kinda pretty. The BeyonZ marriage/pregnancy/birth was shrouded in secrecy, which Dish respects. But...doesn't it take a whole lot of effort to be so private? I gave up privacy a long time ago, though I'm not a celebrity. Yet.

The Good Wife's Alan Cumming married his sweetheart. The picture is positively joyous. Keep those same sex marriages coming. The more these buffoon Republicans (except for Huntington and Ron Paul who are intelligent but unelectable) see that gay marriage is real and unstoppable, the more they will shut the hell up and get with the times.

TG and I are having a quiet night at home, watching the latest Snapped and eating butterscotch/chocolate blondies with milk #f$#cknewyearsresolutions.

Saturday, January 07, 2012

Kristy McNichol Comes Out!

Kristy was my idol growing up. I wanted to be her so badly, even through the Empty Nest years. The awesome part was that I was a tomboy and had her coloring so I might have pulled off a Kristy-transformation if I'd had a different nose, mouth, eyes and body frame. She's been out of the news for twenty years but now has come out of the closet after this epidemic of fatal bullying incidents. Go, Kristy! And please get back on TV as the bubbly sister.

Another idol is Mindy Kaling who stars and writes for The Office. Her autobiography Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me (And Other Concerns)? is a fresh and entertaining read. Plus, because she's young, so it's really short, therefore easy on the attention span. Now I love her even more.

Other news: Josh Lucas is engaged and Paula Abdul split with her beau and Chaz wants to buy a penis. An epic day.

Today marks a real anniversary for Dish. 21 years ago, I had a brush with death thanks to random violence. I'm grateful to be alive. The body remembers and I'm a little jittery of late. But having TG home again makes everything sparkly and fun. He is a joy.

Patrick Smith Natural Health: Skin Care for the Stars!

As with exercise, Dish is always looking for a new skin care regime. I recently gave up my Roc Night Wrinkle Cream (which is still awesome) for the all-natural face serum by Patrick Smith Natural Health: http://www.facebook.com/psnaturalhealth. You can visit his store at: http://patricksmithlmt.com/store. I've been using these oils for the last few months and my skin has changed. Rosacea, gone. Blotchy skin, gone. Rough dry face, gone. I highly recommend the whipped body butter as well!

Now to exercise, I just found a Deepak Chopra yoga exercise DVD. It seems so hilarious I have to try it.

Friday, January 06, 2012

Star Sighting--Carlos Santana!!!

5 pm: I was walking off a little panic attack. I get them a lot in NYC and walking helps. As my nerves reached normal, I saw a debonair Carlos Santana crossing Charlton St. with his spouse. They looked cool as cucumbers and he had not one iota of stress on his face. Confession time: I'm about as knowledgeable about CS as I am about The Grateful Dead (as in not at all) but I do love this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXp413NynFk. Seeing Santana was a nice transition into my evening Zen.

More Successful Celeb Fertilization!

It seems Sienna Miller is preggo via boyfriend-turned-fiance Tom Sturridge. Now, when is she going to get out another stylish and well acted movie? I see on her IMDB that she has scads of projects in post-production but...well...oh, actually I don't care. Now that she's no longer banging Jude Law, I don't. Unless she makes another Layer Cake or Factory Girl. Then I'm back on Team Sienna! Don't waste your talent unless involved in an enormous scandal. What I really mean to say is: Congrats to the happy couple.

I read a rumor--and I hope it's a rumor--that Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis are fighting. Celeb fighting means splitsville because they often don't know how to resolve conflict and just move on to the next. These two have been like glue for years so splitting up isn't a good idea. France is awesome. Johnny speaks French. Vanessa is my idol since I was 20. Maybe, though, it'll bring him back to America...Stop me, I'm having mild fantasies of Angelina leaving Brad for him. But that's just cruel, Dish.

The Casey Anthony video diaries. Such delusion.

Thursday, January 05, 2012

Star Sighting--David Birney!!!

As I breathed through the panic of being squashed between two large people, I noticed DB was 2 rows ahead of me at Seminar. Remember him as the ex-husband of Meredith Baxter who is now a lesbian? I only saw him in profile. He wore a nice red scarf and now we know where my 80s perm went. I'd recognize those sparkling Love Boat eyes anywhere.

The performances were excellent. The play was just okay. I'm convinced Alan Rickman is made up of golden molecules. He fairly shimmers on stage.

Off to See God Himself AKA Alan Rickman in "Seminar"!

I cannot wait to see AR on stage again. Review to come. I hear Jerry O'Connell is fabulous too.

More happiness: Drew Barrymore is taking the plunge for the third time! What I love about Drew is that she has a type: dorky dudes and she tends to up their star points. Dishfriend once stood in line with her at Bed, Bath and Beyond and said she was darling.

Keri Russell (aka Felicity) gave birth to a girl! I can't be bothered to look up the name but I imagine it's something like Peach or Lorelei Buzzkill or Raine. Meanwhile, I'm trying to heal the indigestion from seeing the latest Twitterpic of Marc Anthony--all fuzzy-eyed--smooching on a J.Lo twin. Quick, J.Lo time to mount Casper on a bench!

Star Sighting--David Costabile!!!

5:05 at a store on 7th Avenue-ish. It's funny, Hersheykiss and I were JUST discussing Gale from Breaking Bad and how brilliant he is and how one scene just broke my heart in pieces. I walked by the store and then doubled back, my face against the glass. Twas he! My skin tingled which authenticated the sighting--though my failing eyesight could be off.

A fine actor indeed. Dish has three more episodes before catching up on Season 4.

Wednesday, January 04, 2012

Two Confirmed Bachelors Fall. So Does the Sky!!! Followed by Sinead O'Connor's Reconciliation!

Hallelujia! I'm full to busting with happy news! This report brings me to manic tears: After a night of lovemaking, Sinead O'Connor and her husband of 18 days decided to reconcile! Stay away from the weed, Sinead, though I've heard it can enhance sexual arousal. And please, at least have the decency to share which position/s sealed the deal???

Even more joyous (though Hersheykiss might be miffed), Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are finally trying the knot. A dream come true! But Dish wonders how this will affect her movie career. I mean, is New Year's Eve it? Please, Jessica, now that you have the man nailed down, don't give up your gift/dream (no WASP sarcasm, I promise. I saw The Illusionist). And, I've heard that Mario Lopez is also engaged to his babymama!

Let's all join hands and dance in a circle of love and light.

Though, with happy comes sad as Nick Cannon suffers from mild kidney failure. A little cranberry juice does a body good. Please get better, Nick. You're a delight in movies/TV and the only one who can tame the beast.

Oh, and sources are on bumpwatch for Rachel Zoe. Lastly, it seems the President went shirtless in Hawaii, playing football. I do NOT want to see Daddy without clothes. Please get that shirt back on, POTUS.

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

Where's Mariska Hargitay When I Need Her?

Spotted, Steven Tyler topless in Maui. He has a perky set of man-hooters.

After mostly taking an all-nighter due to the scary rantings of a lunatic (every one has a few of these, am I right?), I woke to the police knocking on my door. Two of New York's finest were cordial and asking if I knew about the sweet old lady next door and could I find the super to open her door for them. Dish to the rescue! They even used my facilities. Long story short, the sweet old lady had died a few days before. I'm not sure why this makes me happy. Maybe because she's in a better place, is probably happier now. She was quite ill and lived by herself. It puts the lunatics into perspective. TG is sad he missed all the fun, though I'm sure he would have gotten more involved in transporting the body and wondering about switching apartments.

When Dish hears about The Bachelor contestants threatening to rip a %*($*'s face off, the DVR must be set to record. Ben seems functional as this year's bachelor, a bit too Beta but most definitely the lovechild of Keanu and Nadal. I already know who should win (Kacie, the administrative assistant) and who's too batshit crazy (that blogger chick) to stay but will to keep the show interesting, which it's not.

Sandra Bernhard hates on Kathy Griffin which is beyond stupid. Jealous much of Kathy's success? I do enjoy them both but loathe when women bash each other like this, glorifying themselves by crucifying another which always backfires.

Monday, January 02, 2012

Why I Love Brandi Glanville

She drunkenly married her BFF over New Year's. Good for her even though they're probably getting annulled. Did they consummate the marriage before her head went down the toilet? That bitch knows how to party! I've always wanted to spontaneously get married then regret it the day after. My groom could have gotten drunk and I would have taken an Ambien, which makes me do crazy things like email inappropriate things to acquaintances from decades ago, eat butter/crackers and roast eggplant that's been sitting at the bottom of the fridge for days. Maybe when TG and I renew our vows, we can pretend to be strangers and then get smashed and remarried. I will carry his blood in a vial around my neck. Oh wait, he would worry someone might steal it. Never mind!

Le City De Love!

People, you know it's love if a guy meets you in Paris. Not only does he want to boink you silly (wear a condom) in the City of Lights, but you're soaked in culture. Derek and Minka went to the Musee D'Orsay and so many masterpieces are hanging there. The two must have strolled through the halls, Minka might have told him about this Courbet painting, he went "whoa" and the love just got deeper. In the Musee Rodin, he and Minka probably acted out some of the sculptures, especially the super phallic ones, they giggled, and then went to the rose garden outside wherein Minka gave Derek a super-sexy botany lesson. "Didn't Rodin go out with that scary bitch?" Derek probably asked, and so Minka updated him on super-great Camille Claudel.

I see great things for these two.

Sunday, January 01, 2012

Happy New Year!

I'm with Kim Kardashian, who Tweeted, "i wanna be more simple in 2012." Well, mission accomplished, sweetie! It's time to break out the Derrida and get those chocolate peepers perusing challenging, like, material and, like, having an aMAAAAzing experience. It will, at the very least, prevent her from getting bangs again.

Dish merged with the couch and howled over Kathy Griffin's antics. The stripping down to a bra, well, it just makes a girl think of ways to shock the world. If Kathy can do it, why can't I? There is prison to consider.

Yet another engagement: LeBron James. What does Dish say about dating athletes? Despite this, I wish the happy couple great joy.

What really broke Katy and Russell up? Dish saw it the second they started dating. KP's at the beginningish of a great career. He's kinda doing well but has a string of bummer movies. And, well, he doesn't translate as well here. Plus, the age difference and he's done partying and she's having fun. Something's gotta give.

Pictures have surfaced of Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly canoodling in Paris. Dishfriendintheoffice must be SO pissed.