Thursday, May 31, 2012

I'm Sorry, Michael Chiklis...

...for thinking you were lame. I only saw trailers for The Shield and avoided it like the plague of shaved-headed men I dated around the time the show aired (2002-2006), the era of Vin Diesel's Ugly Sexy. Yes, there were four in a row, all toxic bachelors. How many hours did I cry over a bottle of Mr. Clean? You can't blame me for projecting all these years. Add to this, Chiklis was filmed reacting to an Emmy nod. This sent me into an abyss of irrational hatred. But now, as my husband encourages nightly Shield marathons, I see the genius in Chiklis. There is no show without him. He's just awesome and the camera eats him up. We're on Season 5. I can't bear to think what we'll do when we get to the end. I was wrong. All wrong...Chiklis FOREVER!

More word-eating. Maybe Les Miz won't be so bad...Check out this trailer and let me know your thoughts. I wonder if Anne and Hugh singing at the Oscars started this whole thing in one of those back door meetings. I could make jokes but I won't. Russell is in the room.

Last night, Dishbrother and I had an in-depth conversation about Ashton as Steve Jobs. DB has high hopes that if Ashton can access his "dark side", he will be brilliant. DB is a tough customer when it comes to acting. He's the first to make me realize that Daniel Day Lewis is an over-actor. DB and I would be masterful casting agents.

I lost interest in Fifty Shades of Grey the second after Anastasia Beaverhausen Steele's first big O. I see the appeal but, as an editor, there are too many glaring items I'd want to fix. Am going back to reading great literature (and a celebrity memoir or two--Patti Lupone, you're next!).

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Are the Lambs Still Screaming?

The idea of a trip to Costa Rica with four girlfriends I don't really like sounds like torture, but I'd power through and maybe start drinking (okay, this won't happen). Last night's Real Housewives of Orange County showed me that a TV sensation can be based on minutia--though I love the idea of women hanging out together. Tamra can't help but wiggle her tush and call people out. Slade won't get his act together. Alexis will never take criticism from loved ones. Last night, the girls had an intervention to tell A, "you're so annoying" but she didn't take the hint. I might not have either. Interventions aren't so fair, unless life/death. Can you tell I've never been intervened? Yeah, because I don't do anything scandalous. That will change in a few minutes, she says eyeing a big bag of Doritos.

Pictures of Anne Hathaway doing Les Miz make me laugh. I intend to howl through the entire thing. Official trailer for the movie appeared and disappeared from the web.

I escaped from life by reading RoseMarie Terenzio's Fairytale Interrupted. Who is she? JFK jr.'s faithful assistant and she hasn't spilled her story until now. She is one feisty, tough-as-nails broad. I'd let her can run my life anytime. Exquisitely page-turning, this one.

Showing us why she's in the fourth hour of Today, Kathie Lee Gifford made a horrific gaffe with Martin Short, asking after his wife, who died two years ago. There is video footage but I can't bear to watch it. Hosts need to prepare before they interview ANYONE.

Lost co-stars at war: Dominic Monaghan forced me to follow him on Twitter when he openly accused Matthew Fox of beating women (repeatedly). Drunken Tweet? It wasn't recanted or removed. If true, bravo to DM for his steely Lord of the Ring cojones.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Tuesday's Lies

NYC today--effing disgusting gorgeous with just a touch of whimsy. I threw on my brightest dress and set off for a fabulous day. I hustled, I bustled. Everything fell into place. I came home to an airy and spotless apartment. Now I'm indulging in quinoa, edamame with some salmon and fresh veggies. The cat is not pissing on the floor.

Did you watch last night's The Bachelorette: That Emily, I just want to carry her around in my shirt pocket. She sparkles and twangs and y'alls me into good humor I am not a lesbian except for that one time. On last night's episode she went to Dollywood, where the Dolly herself came out to perform. I could feel Dishbrothersidekick's bliss from 75 blocks away. Dolly blessed the young woman's romantic search, citing her own long marriage (Hershey, you need to Hulu this). My choices for Emily are Chris or Arie. She had chemistry with Chris and his bashfulness was adorable. Arie just seems like a pleasant and cool guy though might need Crest White Strips.

Mad Men: The Political Correctness police is scandalized over Joan's actions, as if trading sexual favors is a new thing or that she had much of a choice. What I found more upsetting was staying with her husband after he raped her. Sex for power/survival has existed since the dawn of man. Is it so surprising that she'd take one for the team? During that time period, I might have done the same thing--were I not married. She will win in the end.

Dish is ruthless.

Monday, May 28, 2012

I'm So Confused--Are Ashton and Demi Back Together?

There's talk of secret meetings. New vows of love. I was just getting used to Demi Moore forging ahead, finding her womanity after the demise of her third marriage. I fantasized about her going on The Conversation and Wendy Williams a few times, being all strong yet vulnerable with her glasses, eyes filling because some love never dies. She would go on to make millions producing films and do the occasional Margin Call. She and Courtney Cox would morph into one person.

As for Ashton, he's starting to look like a man. Before the split he resembled the college student I always yearned to date in my teens but didn't until my mid thirties. He has all these great projects in his future. Does he want to go back?

More importantly, I was just getting over this breakup, so the alleged reunion takes me by surprise. I would rather they get back together but there isn't enough Ativan in the world to ease the stress I'll feel day by day (are they okay, having fun, is he hanging with skanky blondes in bars? did they go to their Kaballah meeting). After 7 years, they do seem to have a special kind of love. Fret not. I will buckle down, get out the scotch, and pray that they rediscover the joy in their marriage.

One must always look to Danny Moder and Julia Roberts for marriage spice. They leave "angel cards" for each other around the house. Must get on the stick and do likewise. What is an angel card and how do I find one? Does it fly?

Rumors are a-swirl about Britney reviving crazy behavior on The X Factor. Doing this show might have been a mistake, though the whispers of old Brit might be Simon-hype to bring in viewers. Britney seems to excel in 10-minute increments and judging takes hours and hours. Poor girl.

Congratulations to Cynthia Nixon and Christine Marinoni on their marriage. I love these two gingies.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Oh, It's On...

Dish STILL wore it first...

ZZ Top Was Amazing!

I tried to ignore the bartender when she said there would be 2 opening bands for ZZ Top. I just wanted to get the concert over with. Their beards have always seemed unhygienic so I never "got" them. I steeled myself for the night.

Sporting a glitzy belt, form fitting jeans and black tank Gretchen Wilson opened with "I got your c*ntry right here" or at least that's what I think it was. She was cute, delivering no mixed signals. After her bit, I looked to my left and noticed a person with *that* glow. I whispered to TG, "that's a celebrity." I didn't know which one until the next band took the stage--the guitarist for Three Doors Down.

Their act made my sternum vibrate violently. Thank Hesus for the earplugs because each song was an assault. Since we couldn't talk, I texted TG, "These guys are big p*ssies." He felt the same way and we rode the wave of pain for 45 minutes. I might have liked them on disc but the loudness, some missed notes, and the thrashing made me hate them. I thought I was going to die, even telling TG I might have to dash back to our dive hotel to cry it out. I had my exit strategy. I was so ready to bail, flight not fight, even with the tranquilizer when they just kept playing.

Then ZZ Top saved our sh*tty night. As the yellow light caught those beards, Billy Gibbons's twig legs, and all three bodies moving in tandem, I knew it would be okay. They were a miracle and real pros. They played, danced a little, raked their beards in a performance whose every molecule screeched with awesomeness. These old dudes were even...shall I say...SEXY!!! Yes, they were. I am a rabid fan now. Am now looking through their videos and revising my history of indifference. I have always loved them. How could you not?

The lesson is: Even if you're not into ZZ Top, go see them. They are brilliant and guaranteed to lift your spirits.

Atlantic City is still gross.

Update: After research, saw that Three Doors Down's original guitarist, Matt Roberts, recently left due to health problems. Now I feel bad(ly).

Do You Think This Is a Coincidence?

Dish wore it first...

Saturday, May 26, 2012

we hate atl city. at concert now. ears violated by three doors down. we want to die. ZZ PLEASE SAVE US.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Happy Memorial Day Weekend, Y'All!

So what are you doing this long weekend? Dish and TG are off to Atlantic City to catch ZZ Top. I never thought I'd ever do such a thing: go to the Land of Trump or see those long beards (Angela's dad on Bones) filling my ears with their sassy noise. ZZ Top is highly sexual for a band's name, especially if you know French and TG thinks this choice was on purpose. I grew up seeing them as the ones whose videos took precious airtime away from this awesome showstopper. TG will be happy.

Speaking of happy, Keira Knightley got engaged to James Righton (Right on! I bet you never hear that). Lindsay Lohan found the man who's going to play Richard Burton, as if we aren't all going to be glued to the screen opening night.

The Bethenny divorce rumors are a scam, in my view. How else to build excitement for her talk show starting June 11 on Fox? I'm incensed and will not watch already DVRed.

Say a prayer for Jenna Jameson's tortured soul. She survived a porn career and, after doing the whole husband and kids thing, drunkenly drove into a pole. Someone should write a book about sabotage.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

What Bad Habits Do You Have?

I just finished The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg, which pinpoints the beginning of a habit and how one might go about changing it. I am hopelessly addicted to Altoids, sugar, coffee, Duran Duran, television, watching TG eat and sleep, Words with Friends, Jane Lynch, tingly lip gloss nothing in particular, but I can see how addicted freaks would find this book useful. I just picked it up to learn about others.

Finally capital punishment even I would sign on for: Missouri might be using Propofol in executions. My brother-in-law and two colleagues have said Propofol is awesome, but I have to wait for my first colonoscopy (counting the seconds). How is this punishment? Are we finding more pleasant ways to deny how barbaric we are as a society? Let's get into a heated discussion. No? I know, too much work.

What's with all these celebrity molesters? I hate to think of the stars as abusers. When you have $$$, can't you buy a grope instead of steal one? Roy from Sigfried and Roy is accused of pawing his staff. That's extremely dirty. Sorry, Mom!

Modern Family had a nice twist yesterday. TG and I both love that show. It's one of the few where I can't decide which character I like most. Most weeks it's Cam, then Manny, then Sofia, then Phil, but then all of them, all the time. Great ensemble.

American Idol alumni got engaged on the finale. Ace Young proposed to Diane DeGarmo. Totally adorable except for the pimping of the jeweler, which must mean he got a free ring.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

My Husband Has Discovered The Way to Make Me More Insane

By playing the B-52 -- my Achilles HELL. It only took two years for him to discover my inability to listen to this yelling music. I love them as personalities, just not their tunes. I run into the lead singer in the hood all the time.

The More Celeb Babies, The Prettier the World Becomes...

Fitness goddess Jillian Michaels is now mom of two since she adopted a bambina from Haiti and her partner had a boy. (I smell a reality show) Dish is not a fan of yoga but Jillian makes it seem like aerobics in her power yoga DVD, which I bought a year ago and used once. Congrats, you crazy kids!

Childless Anderson Cooper showed his usual integrity by dissing a bad mommy. I applaud his just kicking an a-hole off his show. I change subway cars all the time when someone is talking too loudly or just being rank. Life is too short.

But it's not too short to discuss Dr. Oz controversial wang photo in Good Housekeeping. TG thought it was an unfortunate angle, that Dr. Oz had something in his pocket (like his penis) and we should give him a break. This reminds me of the time at age four, I walked in on our house-guests stark naked. They acted amused but I was shocked. And yet I didn't want to leave the room. Same thing here, I kinda want to see the pic, but I'm still disturbed.

Reality Observations: My vote is now Arie as the winner of Emily Maynard's heart on The Bachelorette. I lost interest in Doug when he used the term "check it" (which means, be quiet and mindful of what you're saying) and Ryan's pinhead hair distracts me. Plus, I saw on his love letter to Emily all the scribbles, which means he does things half-assed. On RHoOC, was touched by Heather changing to her husband's last name after 15 years of marriage. Dish also changed the last name at an advanced age. Rumor has it that Bethenny and Jason are on the verge of divorce. This has been ongoing since they met. Makes me sad, but not surprised. Relationships are complicated. I've grown to like them together.

TG and I are obsessed with The Shield and the bald brilliance of Michael Chiklis. It is who we are.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

I'm Pulling a Miley Cyrus...

...and taking a picture of my legs. I can't resist my J-Crew minnie pants*! Just say "minnie pants" five times fast. Preferably without snarfing beer from your nose. Okay, I should get going. TG and TG brother are waiting for me at a restaurant. I'm pretty sure my in-laws hate me because I'm wound a little tight. But they should LOVE my purple J-Crew minnie pants!**

*And the most expensive shoes I own, like hundreds of dollars. Surprising considering they doesn't have tassles or sequins or bows.
**Dish finally got hit with the girly shopping gene.

Star Sighting--Anna Deveare Smith!!!

As reported by Dishbrother: "Monday 5/21 3:10pm hailing a cab on W72nd St between Bway & Amsterdam. She looked great...but worried and late." She is kicking some serious acting-ass on Nurse Jackie. Though I have a special fondness for her performance in The American President.

During the Billboard Awards there was a kerfuffle between Ray J and the Houston family. The morning after, Ray J was allegedly out of it, hospitalized for dehydration and exhaustion. Dehydration: diarrhea, right? And exhaustion: from so much diarrhea. That's all I can think. Poor Ray J.

Sham marriage: Tom Cruise advised me during an Oprah interview (I know he was talking to me personally) that the tabloids are 100% garbage. But a recent blind item alleges that he and Katie have secretly split. I'm having some abandonment issues over this. While I want Katie to soar as an actress, I've become accustomed to them as a pair. It pains me to think of Tom as single. He's not getting any younger. Or is he?

It's official: I'm giving up The Today Show for GMA. Duran Duran is playing on 6/18 on the latter! 74 days until Dish sees them in concert again.

FB stock plunged, as TG had predicted (he's not in finance). I was going to buy shares but I gave my 2$ to my favorite homeless person in City Hall.

Breaking Bad gets bad again on July 15--Dish's birthday.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Remembering Robin Gibb Haiku

Talented Aussie
Oh, you thought he was a Brit
Wasn't he that too?

Destined for stardom
Red sun-dots on the dance floor
Disco is my drug

Of choice. I can't dance
for s*t but your songs move me
Thirty years later

Chestnuts, flowing creek
(Barry has one hot stud-stache)
Light's gone on the plain

No reason to go
Suffering catches us all
You live on, legend

Great Bird with long teeth
I shouldn't quit my day job.
Miss you forever!

Sunday Night Belly Ache -- Except It's Now Monday

The second I saw Chris Brown on the Billboard Music Awards, my stomach started throbbing more painfully than it had all day. I don't understand how someone who pummeled his girlfriend could be so well received. And he lip-synched. I'm so old, you would think my jaded soul would accept that there are no consequences. Rapists, batterers and murders are praised every day. I turned the TV off. Okay, I watched the Kardashians and realized all they do is nosh. They make me want to wear white and eat nonstop. These are not bad things.

The Rutgers spycam dude got sentenced to a mere 30 days*. Fury has erupted on FB, and I remember how incensed I was, crying, when I heard that William Kennedy Smith walked free from a rape charge. There are fifty shades of gray in some cases even though we can react emotionally and feel that this a-hole pushed his roommate those last few inches over the edge (that's how I feel, too). Spyboy will probably get justice on the outside. His life is over ... unless he gets a book contract and a reality show.

Cheering myself up with The Bachelorette, ginger ale and a dry potato.

*See lesson of first paragraph: There are no consequences.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Review of New Year's Eve: Rent If You Want to Cry and Go Awwwwww

The truth: If you paid 13$ to see New Year's Eve (I almost did), the syrupy disappointment might still be gurgling in your intestines. Maybe I'm overstating since I love Garry Marshall movies as a rule. Go ahead and rent this derivative sucker. It was better than Valentine's Day--like way better. It didn't have Julia this time but Michelle Pfeiffer makes up for this. Pfeiffer tries to be dowdy, FAILS MISERABLY at it while charming Zac Efron, who is a delight from A to Zac*. Ashton and Lea Michele are sexy together (imagine that) yet Jessica Biel needs to find her heart-light again. She just doesn't look animated or maybe I just was too impressed by her performance in that magician movie. Maybe she needs to crawl out from behind the Justin rock and work more. Bottom line: The whole she-bang is a rip-off of Love Actually, especially the beginnings and endings (someone should look into this). The mediocrity didn't stop me from suddenly bursting into tears as Hilary Swank was reunited with her father (I have daddy issues). Bon Jovi is lovable though playing an asexual ween in the red leather jacket Nancy Reagan wore in the 80s. The last vignette--the big twist--is beyond ludicrous. So when can I watch it again? I think I have 24 hours left on my rental. In two hours, it'll become my favorite movie of all time, knocking Jaws on its fin. New drinking game: Every time someone mentions a ball dropping, giggle then do a shot.

In more love news: Mark Zuckerberg married Priscilla Chan. So glad he waited until after the IPO because it must have been stressful before.

A special healing prayer goes out to Dishfavorite, Nile Rodgers, who is very sick. He is battling the big C and still touring like a rock star.

*Their dancing scene at the end is worth at least 13$ theater ticket.

Rita Wilson Love Fest

I don't think about Rita Wilson every day but when I see her in a movie, I'm instantly happy. She brightens her surroundings: See Sleepless in Seattle, Runaway Bride, The Bonfire of the Vanities, The Good Wife (she's good at playing a bitch--who knew?), Frasier (ugh), Mixed Nuts, not to mention her brilliance in choosing to produce My Big Fat Greek Wedding, which made her even more super-rich. So what does she do next? She makes an album. When I first heard the news, I thought: Rita singing, I'm so there!

Friday night, I bought the CD. I'd had a long week. I had so much work to do and couldn't sleep. I hate not sleeping. So I sat, read my Runner's World magazine and listened to Rita. It's a lovely album. It relaxed me and soon I was snoozing away. Especially awesome is the duet with Chris Cornell, "All I Have to Do Is Dream."

Bahaha--Now TG is humming the tune.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

How Did I Not See 25 Years Ago How Gay Top Gun Is?

Our Saturday night date: The only movie we could agree on was Top Gun, which TG had never seen. Now as I watch, I'm seeing how completely homoerotic, right down to the steam baths and towel-snapping. You know TG doesn't like it when he says not to pause when he goes to the loo. He likes the flying, though.

Speaking of homoerotic and Scientologist, I used to have this album. When you open it up, the bottom portion is Travolta's crotch. My brothers made fun of the package and now I see how it all connects, like the collective conscious. 7 men have allegedly come forward with allegations of abuse.

Non sequitur: Don't trust airport security in Budapest. An 85 y.o. lady of modest means got mobbed by security and they made her give up her luggage so that they could rifle through it. When she got to her destination, her jewelry was gone. Nice, huh? Officials stealing from an old lady with a fixed income, probably taking heirlooms and nice things, and totally discombobulating her in the airport. F*ckers. Next time she should wear all her jewelry and stick a giant purple dildo in the suitcase for the security a-holes to find.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Kissin', Smackin' and Collapsin'

Will Smith smacked a reporter for kissin' him. I might have done the same thing. You just don't kiss a star without permission unless you're a star yourself. Stars can take liberties and kiss without the consent of a Little Person. If you really want to get celebu-kissed, play by The Rules. Know that in all likelihood, you'll remain kiss-less but this is far less demeaning than a smack. Then again, the smacked reporter is now FAMOUS.

Chyna the female wrestler turned porn actress collapsed at a porn convention. I never thought I'd ever write this sentence. Remember the good old days when Chyna and Michael Knight's model fiancee (Adrianne?) were on The Surreal Life? I weep over those precious memories. We've got a downward spiral here. Can somebody help?

And now, because Jane Lynch is my kryptonite (I just can't resist her), here is 10 minutes of her for my your viewing pleasure: I don't even care what she's saying. Maddow harshes my mellow. I'm in the minority.

Star Sighting--Bryn Hoppy!!!

2:45 pm, Laight & Hudson: Who would have thought I'd be so wowed by a celeb in a stroller? And if I hadn't become addicted to Bethenny Ever After, I would have never recognized one of the most adorable babies ever born. Bryn had her usual look of serenity as her nanny rolled her down the street (I would too if I were in a stroller). Bryn and I locked gazes and in that moment, I heard the wisdom of the ages. She's like a 2-y.o. Yoda. Then she was gone, no doubt to a play date or a nap...or to impart her teachings to the masses. All Hail Bryn!

Thursday, May 17, 2012

I Feel Love...

Dishbrother introduced me to Donna Summer in the 70s when we were living in France. He was in love with her, she sounded awesome, was so purty and we danced to her tunes often. What a sad day. But have a listen and glory in the legend.

Forbes says J.Lo is most powerful celebrity in the world. But leaving AI? Say it ain't so, J. Lo! How could you not want to sit with Steven Tyler every day?

The Killing & Mad Men: I love them both but this season has been illin'. I'm realizing now that all these seasons are ending. What am I going to do this summer? Oh right, the campaigns...

Where is Nick Stahl? The actor has been reported missing since May 9th. The world is going to hell. But I'm going to see Duran Duran. And I have those purple J-Crew minnie pants.

Donna Summer Has Died

I have no words. All I have is the music.

Grab a wall, hug your loved ones...and then dance.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Another Post about Duran Duran

At 12:09 pm, I bought my ticket (note singular) to see them somewhere in the tri-state area in August and saw that the VIP package had sold out within minutes. Not that I would spend extra. I can barely afford 1 ticket (much less the 3 I've bought in the last 10 months). Shockingly, after witnessing DD's brilliance in D.C., TG didn't want to experience another concert, but he'll come with me to the venue if I pony up some "spending money." There is a lot of bargaining in marriage--but TG is worth the $$$.

So is Duran Duran with whom I've had a longer relationship. Just saying.

Update: TG says he's kidding about the spending money.

Emily Maynard Is Like Crack!

Usually I would never watch The Bachelorette, but the lure of Emily as the chooser made me giddy. She is beyond adorable with her Southern manners, sob story and bright smile and large fake chompers. I don't care if she's a fame-whore in girl-next-door disguise. Plus, Dolly Parton will guest star and...okay, I just fainted. Too much excitement with Emily, Dolly, buying Duran Duran ticket (and having them respond to my Tweet!).

My verdict on Emily's suitors are:

A few closet cases. Any guy with six-pack abs should go away as washboards are vile. My money is on: Doug, Arie, and Ryan if he gets a better haircut. The singer/songwriter should stay only for entertainment value as he used the term: "disparate facets" which can only mean he's a tool.

Conspiracy theory: This season times well with Chris Harrison's divorce. Maybe HE'LL be the wild card. I sense some unresolved shmexual chemistry.

Rest in Peace, Mary Kennedy

Several sites are reporting the death of Mary Kennedy, estranged wife of RFK Jr, at age 52. She and R. split in 2010 and from what I'm reading it's a little First Wives Club-ish, as in sad divorce leading to a downward spiral.

Tragic. There's always a better way to leave this world. Then again, those dark periods can be especially dark.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Marilyn Never Sounded Like THAT!

Smash finale: Katharine McPhee belted out that last tune like she was on American Idol, but those of us well schooled in Marilyn know the siren never really belted*. She sang in that whispy, sweet breathy voice. Every now and then she belted but never, never like a McPhee. Hmmmmm. I'm not sure about the finale but I will keep watching because Smash is a virus that lasts 9 months. The songs really suck!

Dizzying thought: Obama was one block away from Dishhouse. No wonder all the screeching in my hood. It even brought me and Douchebag--who lives on my floor--into semi-civil proximity. TG likes DB but he's an XY.

Let's try dazzled: The Daniel Craig/Rachel Weisz marriage fascinates me so I had to see The Whistleblower. It's a gruesome story, goodish performances, a bit predictable in its telling--still worth the watch. I'll be even more wishy washy: It's an important story, especially to remind us of the rape/trafficking rampant in Bosnia and how we participated in it. It's a cruel world, the plight of women hopeless. I'm not sure how those survivors survived--with daily abuse. Weisz played the good cop, reminding me slightly of Angelina Jolie in The Bone Collector--sober, quietly fearless, trying to be less gorgeous but FAILING MISERABLY.

I feel better about my thighs: I saw a pic of KK wearing tights and shorts and it made me feel skinny. My IQ just dropped 50 points from previous paragraph, didn't it? How about another 50 (see below)?

Duran Duran is throwing a contest for fans to advertise their new Diamond in the Mind CD/DVD. Dish was so excited! But then realized: I'd have to make it about the band's concert in the UK and not about Me and My Love for Them. This stopped me in my tracks. Where would I even begin? Will watch DVR-ed The Bachelorette instead...or read more Sartre.

Dish is all about the contradictions.

*Why does Tony Curtis in drag make this song even sexier?

Monday, May 14, 2012

I'd Know Those Obama Ears Anywhere!

After announcing his stance on gay marriage, of course the Prez would do a drive by in Chelsea. After O's speech, TG came home just in time to stand by the barricade with me and watch Obama go by. The windows were slightly tinted but Dish had her spidey sense so saw/felt the power of those gigantic ears. What was he doing in Chelsea? Going to Loehmann's to get 'Chelle a nice new purse on sale...or perhaps sauntering over to Splash?

Did you read about the alleged feud between Oprah and Michelle? It's easy to pit these two titans against each other. The media loves to watch girls feud. I always wondered what Michelle thought of Oprah's influence on her hub but the idea that the two women would be jealous of one another. Pullleuuuse. It's someone's wet dream...though perhaps totally true.

In between deliriums, I accidentally stumbled on the last night's finale of Desperate Housewives. TG kept saying, "This is excellent. So tightly written." Especially disturbing were the makeout scenes between Bree and Quantum Leap. I don't know why. Middle-aged hanky panky isn't as sexy to watch as geezer sex. For two hours, we didn't get much of a bang until the end with some lovely cameos and a goose-pimply last 30 seconds. I loved the brief return of Dana Delaney, though waited and waited and waited for Gale Harold to come back and whisk That Woman away from her boring grieving over the boring plumber. I guess the ending was satisfying.

Many shows just got canceled: Most significantly GBC, Pan Am, Awake, Bent, Harry's Law, CSI: Miami, The Finder, Ringer, and The Secret Circle.

The greatest question for our time: What will Gale Harold do now??? They should have just had Gale do the entire show and get rid of those pesky witchy teens. It would have been a hit.

Will spend the night researching and confirming whether or not Charlize and Fassbender are dating. Talk about utter cuteness.

TG is the Ultimate Celebrity Whore Today

You know how TG is with celebs. He interacts with them as easily as with me. He interrupts the fourth wall, can make the snootiest diva fall in love with him. Right now, he is in the presence of Obama, the biggest celebrity right now. I am seething with envy not so much over O, but it's the principle of the thing. I should be there. And deep down, I know TG might Do Something, like shake his hand or tell him how he "loves his work" or do a special Obama cartwheel that lands him in a heap of trouble, which he'll talk himself out of. Damn TG! If only he can work his magic to get me backstage at a Duran Duran concert....

Ps. Sorry about yesterday's oversight. I returned home and promptly fell into a coma.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Day Two: On The Road

I should have never used the Ghost Radar app in my hotel room because it's haunted. WTF? It took a village to knock me into sleep and I dread the night ahead. His name could be Tom. Will pretend it's the spirit of Tom Hanks taking a break from Rita. That Tom is awesome.

Oh God, rerun of Pretty Woman. Must watch Julia be a virginal whore AGAIN. Speaking of Mitt Romney, he just announced he was behind the times and against gay marriage.

TG, please have pancakes and NY Post ready for my return. I will be knackered (is Tom British?).

Celeb news: Russell Brand unfollowed Katy Perry. I ate two pieces of cheesecake. Am secretly watching Mike Huckabee on Fox. The ghost chose the channel.

Friday, May 11, 2012

I'm On the Road...

Expect the following:

Really crappy short posts

No pictures from the internets (which makes it less likely that I'll be sued)

Mundane details of my exploits in Connecticut, the hotbed of celebrity living

Out of date news since I'll be watching reruns of SOMETHING while in the hotel

Groaning over failed attempt to run in place for 7 miles like Nelson Mandela in his jail cell. I brought my sneakers so will haul ass to squeaky treadmill in hotel "fitness center."

I will steal toilet paper and products not nailed down.

Why didn't I get a suite? Bethenny Frankel would have done this better.

Say a prayer for TG who will miss me like crazy (I hope).

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Cause If You Don't Look Good, We Don't Look Good

The passing of another legend: hair god Vidal Sassoon, whose commercials were such a vital part of Dish's formative years, is now styling bobs in heaven. I can't take another high profile death. Need some soothing decaf Earl Grey--or an episode of The Shield.

In stormy couple news: Sean Bean was arrested for harassing his fourth ex-wife. You'd think a dishy actor could just find someone else and not resort to these childish antics. Then again, an arrest is as good as a sex tape. You can sleep easy tonight because the Johnny Depp/Vanessa Paradis union is intact. I've finally emerged from my fog.

In violence: Rihanna unfollowed Chris Brown--finally. If Twitter had been invented in 1982, it might have documented how many times I walked by LB's house. This did nothing to further my cause so I joined the track team just to be near him, hauling my cookies in the 100-meter dash (the shortest distance). Dish was slow. SJ got to him first and they made out like 12 y.o.s as I huffed across the finish line, dead last. I'm pretty sure I dodged a bullet, though.

Wednesday, May 09, 2012

It's Finally a Campaign!

Go, O!

Dish Is Turning Fifty Shades of Red!

Ya know, the author makes some mistakes with language and lofty prose it ain't, but I'm there. As TG snored lightly beside me, I devoured the latest literary trend--and I can't wait to return to it. I get why Fifty Shades of Grey is steaming up ereaders across the world. I haven't reached any firecrotch scenes yet but already the building of virginal attraction has me hooked--and erotica usually bores me! Finally, an overnight sensation I can buy into. Twilight and Hunger Games left this dish cold.

Speaking, North Carolina.

Yay: Sofia Vergara is single. TG and I love to watch her boobs on Modern Family. They just spill out everywhere and it makes us laugh. She's so talented--even with the boobs. I'm sure she'll be off the market in seconds, though something tells me she needs an interesting bloke to keep her attention. Not just anyone will do.

Now receipts and photographic evidence have surfaced of Travolta not in the place in question on the date of alleged masseur abuse. To me, the photo looks poorly shopped -- like Kate's face in Titanic as she's riding the wave down the hallway. But maybe I just need bifocals progressive lenses. This situation is like Mt. Vesuvius.

I called someone a c-word today, but behind its back. This is what will happen if you mess with Dish!

Tuesday, May 08, 2012

Rest In Cranky Peace, Maurice Sendak

I like to remember Maurice Sendak from his recent interview with Stephen Colbert. I would quote Where the Wild Things Are--as many have done in their FB statuses all day--but I can't recall a single blessed word that man wrote. I can only see the book on my lime-green childhood bookshelf and that scary cover, taunting me as I tried to chase away the nightmare of my mortality. I was four. Maurice is a national treasure!

I won't cover the Met Gala because I never can tell what it's for. Anna Wintour, dresses, the Met? The pics of Tom Brady's hair are hilarious--the half pompadour, half fauxhawk. Whose idea was that? The season is lost when athletes go for glamor.

Another masseur has come forward in the John Travolta abuse case. I hope justice is done. Will wait it out and hope the innocent party/s stay strong.

I leave you now with some straight-up questioning of this administration's stance on gay marriage by that cute-as-a-bug's-ear Anderson Cooper via Perez Hilton via Anderson via CNN. We are so behind the times--it's depressing. What's even more sad is how everyone is trying to be so tactful and speaking incoherent English*. Just Say Yes to Gay Marriage--or Just Say Something**: (taken down because it plays automatically whenever I open blog. I love AC, but not THAT much)

*The campaign depends on it! Isn't that sad? Must rewatch The American President to regain hope that U.S. government isn't completely evil.
**Writing in JJ's style of capitalization of each letter to emphasize whole sentence as a headline.

Monday, May 07, 2012

Did John Touch the Wrong Throbbing Member*

That woke you up, didn't it? You're wondering, which John? I know a John. Uh oh. Don't worry, it's John Travolta who's now being picked apart for allegedly grabbing a massage therapist's appendage. If it's true, ewwwww. His camp claims he wasn't there to grab anything. Poor guy tends to attract scandalous gay headlines. He's married to Kelly Preston (I love her) so I'm sure he did nothing wrong, but J-Trav is so guilty of wearing those bad, bad wigs and some stinker films.

Woody Allen went to Phillipe with Lindsay Lohan 24 hours after I was there. If it had been the same night, I would have choked on my Peking duck. Then, after criticizing Woody for years over his personal life and film failures, I would have magically transformed into his biggest fan, perhaps even crying a little over such an epic sighting. "At least he married the girl," TG says.

Lost star Matthew Fox is lost after getting busted for DUI. He previously was in the news for drunkenness and punching a lady in the crotch in Cleveland (this should be a country western song).

Today's question: How long before Tanning Mom gets her own TV show? How did owners of Meow allow this kitty to get so fat and die?

Rest in peace, George Lindsey, Goober Pyle from The Andy Griffith Show. This show bored me. I will do the whistle in Goober's honor.

Allegedly, angry Tweeters are seething over the choice of Duran Duran to play for the Olympics. Ha. The people who can afford to attend would mostly be above 30, which would make Duran Duran a semi-logical choice. It's not as if The Beatles could play. The Rolling Stones, maybe? Elton's done just about every venue. Paul McCartney just played the Superbowl. I dunno, why not Duran Duran?

I'm not at all biased.

*Apologies to my relatives.

Sarkozee, Ve Hardly Know Zee

Bonjour, les personnes! Je suis here to announcer que le tres beau et sexy socialiste Francois Hollande (errrr, on get our countries mixed up un peu?) a ete electay President de La France! Mais...est-ce qu'un "Socialiste President" un oxymoron? Furtherplus, le probleme est que l'evil Hollande va TAXER LES RICHES! Abominable, insupportable, semblable. Pourquoi pas les riches ne keep pas leurs moneys? Ils earned it beater et degrader les pauvres sots into submission. Les Wall Streets font shitter dans leur pantalons. Encore plus important, does Mr. Francois France avoir une belle supermodel wife? C'est ca qui fuel une kingdom. Je viens de faire un Google search et, oui, son wife est hot. L'Europe est saved!

Sunday, May 06, 2012

Last of the Shorts

This is the third night in a row of partying for Dish--so nothing to report except Dishbrother and dishbrothersidekick threw a great wedding reception. Worlds collided, we ate, we gabbed, we drank, we danced to the oldies and might have looked good doing it.

Tomorrow I'm back in business.

For the moment, I'll leave you with this: I look great in dots. J.J. can do magic with my hair. The Killing won't go another season. Too much darkness, not enough twists.

Saturday, May 05, 2012

Susan Sarandon's Still Got It

TG and I are catching up on our The Big Cs and Susan Sarandon continues to be a revelation no matter what she does. The added brilliance of this episode was that it replicated every self-improvement seminar I've ever been to--and Dish has been to a gazillion.

Started reading Jean-Paul Sartre's Existentialism and Human Emotions and am sufficiently blown away. The stars don't seem up to snuff today. Maybe JP will wear off in a few hours.

Friday, May 04, 2012

Rest in Peace, MCA

Overheard today in Manhattan: "Oh, Taylor was totally his beard because Jake is totally gay."

My ears twitched over this. Jake Gyllenhaal? So those bro-dates with Matthew McConaughey and Lance Armstrong might have been leisurely sojourns in a steamy Queer As Folk lust-fest? Did anyone catch this on film? This is what happens when you're really good in Brokeback Mountain. I wish I cared more about Jake's sexuality. I just assume the stars will do anything for anyone. I'd rather see the Gyllengod in a good movie!

Oh, speaking of, Rob Lowe supposedly will be in another embarrassing Lifetime movie--related to Casey Anthony. Lifetime is where stars go to die but I love, love, love this network and 90% of their movies (I didn't care for the one with Cameron Mathison and the other babe from All My Children--The Wife He Met Online). A news clusterfudge: Still loving The Conversation, though it's sounding like therapy for Amanda. She listens to the ladies then relates it to her life. Oh wait, that's what a conversation is. That Lady Gaga talks like a girl in her 40s. No way is she 25. The Quaids (of Dennis) are getting back together. Ain't love grand? Did they Dr. Phil-it or is this because of a sh*tty settlement?

Can't you see I'm skirting around today's tragedy? The 80s generation (and beyond) lost one of its own--Adam Yauch, MCA of the Beastie Boys, passed away after a battle with cancer. I loved the Beastie Boys at really loud college parties where you just let your sh*t go. Dish did this every now and then (a keg was usually involved)--they were awesome. During the day, their noise seemed like noise, though I always appreciated what they brought to music. This is a terrible loss. RIP, MCA! This is for you!

Thursday, May 03, 2012

Duran Duran Playing for the Summer Olympics!

They never go away, nor would we ever want them to vanish from our ecstatic landscapes. Dish might be away on business during this event, but I'll DVR it. Duran Duran and Daniel Craig appearing during the summer Olympics--this could exacerbate my mitral valve prolapse*.

Dish's funny of the day: Ellen reading the latest craze: Fifty Shades of Grey. I have this on my Kindle app on my iPad--how's that for dirty?

Yesterday, Ryan O'Neal was everywhere. This hasn't happened since a recent Bones marathon and I liked him on this show. He seems so fake in interviews. What a messed up family--and it didn't have to be. He claims to have been a bad father...and Dish doesn't feel sad for him, because the focus is still on him. Maybe I'm too close to this issue. Instead of writing a book, why not spend time with those kids? I know about 2% of the story, if that, and I do own The Main Event, but still, this skeeves me out. I wish him well in his recovery and that he is able to heal his relationships with his children. That is the most important thing.

I had a moment of weakness today where I looked up plastic surgery of the stars. They've all had at least a nose job. My friend L. was right--they have to. It's an investment. Did not see Julia on the list but does that mean she hasn't gotten a prick or two of the pig toxin?

The Bachelor/ette/Pad Chris Harrison is splitting with his wife of 18 years. What happened? He seemed like the most serene person on Earth. Maybe he is. The tabs say it's super-amicable. Groovy, kids!

*I noticed an irregular heartbeat after nine months of smoking unfiltered Gauloises.

Wednesday, May 02, 2012

A Moment of Reverence for Duran Duran Exes (and Two Currents)

After watching the "Hungry Like the Wolf" video for the 76th time on MTV, my 14 y.o. self agonized over the inevitable pain I would feel if Simon, John, and Nick* ever found true love. I had to work fast. Then came the evil Duran Duran vacation in Montserrat with no shortage of press coverage. Duran girlfriends were everywhere, laughing with hands on precious Duran limbs. My heart hemorrhaged. The blade went deeper when Nick married Julie Anne with flamingos and matching lipgloss. My junior year, Simon married a goddess. The final nail was John's relationship with Renee Simonsen, that gorgeous model who was on every cover. The wound reopened with his marriage to Amanda. I had to accept the facts, though inside I seethed over the audacity of these no-doubt manipulative vixens.

Many decades later, my degree of separation from the boys has lessened to about 1 and 1/2 and my adolescent bitterness has miraculously vanished. (I think Dishmama is vomiting with disgust right now. I'll get back to deeper thinking soon, Mommycakes!). It took Yasmin Le Bon dancing by me during a recent concert to make me forget I was having a panic attack. She just looked so happy grooving to music. I then did the same and ignored the shakes. Amanda's The Conversation dazzled me last week, and now, I've just discovered the blog/website of Julie Anne Rhodes. I'm completely inspired by her. Her site made me want to cook and we all know Dish barely boils water**. My hat's off to this talented woman. I won't even start with Gela Nash-Taylor and the Juicy Couture empire.

Reinvention is possible and necessary over the course of a woman's life. Jealousy is mostly pointless. We have to root for each other instead. Right, girls?

*Andy was already married and, as we all know, Roger and I are the same person so it never would have worked. TG is a Simon, 4 sure.
**I can cook secretly but choose not to--I starch and iron TG's clothes instead.

Jessica Finally Gave Birth!

Wasn't it strange how fixated everyone including Dish became with Jessica Simpson's large belly? Since those bad jeans (which weren't so bad), she's the big butt of so many fat jokes. A baby doesn't help*. I wonder how much of it was real or just a ploy to push a weight-loss plan. Maybe I read about it somewhere and am now passing off the info as my own insight.

Why do I pay attention to this? I should start The House of Green Gables, pronto! Or was it The House with No Cable? I kind of hate people who don't have TV because it's against their beliefs. I shouldn't have eaten those baked beans.

On a related topic, Newt Gingrich ended his campaign. At least Ron is staying in to keep it interesting.

RIP, Junior Seau, former NFL player, who felt it was his time to go. So sad.

*The girl's name is Maxwell, which makes me think of this--a true senior moment since the artist name is different.

Tuesday, May 01, 2012

Barry Obsessing: Part 2

This was the song where I lost it. What made it so moving was that BM sang it to the father who left him at 2. He sang it with a smile, so hopeful and no bitterness. Sniff...

Did I mention that his backup singers were amazing?

Barry Manilow Revs Up Radio City

Sorry for the crappy photo but I was so mesmerized by the Barryster, my usually terrible photog skills suffered exponentially.

Before Concert: Dish was 5 on the Fanilow scale. Liked him a lot, sometimes inspired, but was more into glam 80s pop boy bands. After Concert: 9 and it wouldn't take much to create a sh*tstorm of Fanilow-mania in Dish. Is there enough room for another obsession?

Of course!

I went to the concert with LovesMattDamon who knew every lyric in every Barry song--and sang it! We had jolly good fun. At first, Barry seemed rickety, and the hip surgery must have taken a toll on this tall drink of water. Also, Girlfriend needs a hamburger fast. But tweezed hair and spindly legs aside, he sparkled and grooved and didn't miss a single note. He just got stronger and stronger, hitting all the favorites and charming the bejesus out of us. I found myself tearing up over the tribute to Dick Clark and then his grandfather. No words needed for when Barry sang WITH HIMSELF a la Nat/Natalie Cole. He didn't even need to sing since the audience was singing right along with him.

There is no one like Barry. He is special. He's written amazing songs that stay in our hearts (whether we want them there or not). During "It's a Miracle," I thought: Maybe Barry Manilow could resolve the conflict in the Middle East. All you do is put all the warring factions in a room and have Barry smooth it out with a concert. Those songs, how could you not feel peace and harmony from them?

My favorite lines:

When we wouldn't stop applauding: "Let's lock the doors and order a pizza."

Over his surgery--a little paraphrased: "I discovered something great that will stay with me for the rest of my life...Vicodin."

What a heavenly evening. And now I'm sick.