Friday, December 31, 2010

New Year's Resolutions!

Dish isn't making any this year. 2011 is too unique, so I will forego listing ways to improve myself. My mantra is what Mark Darcy says to Bridget Jones: I like you very much just as you are.

But John Cougar and Elaine Mellencamp no longer do. This twenty-year marriage is over, though they had a good run. Surprisingly, Sebastian Bach will also be divorcing his wife.

The sad things stars do: 1. Brooke Mueller making out with Dave Navarro in Aspen. If you're going to make out with pathetic people, find a dive bar and sit in the back where no one can see you. This will not make Charlie jealous. 2. Kevin Smith won't do press for his new movie Red State because of some beef with the media. I used to like Kevin Smith and his movies, but he's resembling an overgrown child who's peaked. Redemption is always an option.

Happy New Year!!!

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Countdown to Matrimony: Wedding Movie #14

Sense and Sensibility: What's not to love? Emma Thompson acts 28. Kate Winslet's frightening curls to go with her frightening emotion. Hugh Grant walks around as if he'd just been kicked in the nads. Emma had had a relationship with Willoughby and wound up divorcing no-lips from Henry V and marrying Greg Wise. Movie message relates to the injustices women endure with inheritance and marriage. Marriage is the only choice and should you choose for love or for practicality? Wouldn't it be nice to have both? Such is the Austen way. Or rather, things turn out better than you could have imagined. My favorite scene is when Alan Rickman throws money into the air at the end. Such a nice thing to do.

50 Million Dollars!

If a wife gets screwed over in love, she might as well get tons of money, especially if she's helped amass the fortune. I'm glad Kelsey Grammer wasn't smart enough to have a prenup after two failed marriages. Going into his fourth, still no prenup. I hate that I still love to watch Frasier!

Dish spent the day treating a sinus infection with antibiotics. Modern medicine baffles me but I'm thankful for its miracles. That said, taking these strange pills involved grueling hours of paranoia, psychosomatic symptoms, and euphoria that I can now stand up without getting dizzy. Poor JJ had to deal with diva-like behavior yesterday with my inability to lie back for hair washing.

No one got engaged or pregnant today.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Countdown to Matrimony: Wedding Movie #13

In & Out: Rule #1, if your groom hasn't had sex with you in three years, he's gay or cheating. If he loves Barbra a lot, he's gay or just wants sex with Barbra. So how could these yokels not know that Kevin Kline was gay? Unless he didn't know it himself. In some ways, this story is dated. Times have changed a little bit about homosexuality. I feel bad for Joan Cusack's character who's tried to transform herself to be a bride and gets shat upon. Then, she gets someone better who loves her for who she is. It's all about loving whom you love. And gossiping with old women about a man with three testicles. This film doesn't prepare me for marriage so much as show me a fun situation, entertaining gay stereotypes and a kiss between Magnum PI and Kevin Kline. Just lovely.

Drugs and Hookers Are Not Good For Aging

Radaronline reports that Charlie Sheen is partying and I find this sad. Not because of his health so much as his craggy appearance. I hate to say it but...maybe Charlie needs Scientology. Every celebrity involved in that religion looks fantastic. Though his torso is oddly shaped (see Jerry Maguire bed scene and stills of his shooting Mi:4), Tom Cruise never ages.*

News from the family made famous solely by Kim's sex tape, Khloe Kardashian and her hubby get their own reality show. It's the new Newlyweds only more depraved. Then Rupert Everett dissed Jennifer Aniston for staying golden despite poor movie choices (sort of true)? Really, Princess Daisy and The Next Best Thing? Of course, I can't wait to read his autobiography sitting on my shelf.

Just in time, I tuned in to Duran Duran on the 4th hour of The Today Show. It was my first time watching with Kathie Lee and Hoda. I thought people were kidding with their drinking wine. Too much wine since Hoda thought DD's song was "Hungry Like the Wolves." It's not funny.

*Trivia: Dish is three degrees from Tom. How so?

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Countdown to Matrimony: Wedding Movie #12

Say Yes to the Dress: Season 1--I tried to avoid wedding reality shows but now I wish I hadn't. They are life-affirming to me right now. I see brides freaking out (I'm doing some of this), brides being indecisive (that's me), brides being super controlling (also me) and worried about being nervous right before and will I look okay, so many people there, do I seem bridal enough, will I have a nervous breakdown at the altar, OMG am I hyperventilating, is my face sagging, why is my forehead so shiny, these heels are so damn high, I'll trip, will I get an inner ear infection as I walk down the aisle, if I don't sleep or eat, will I still be marvelous? OMG is everyone okay? Did I offend anyone, do these escort cards look like cheap crap, my makeup will crease into my face, why do I like the sparkly pens, I'm not in kindergarten! The wedding organizer will sh*t on me for pushing the vegetarian option, and why the f*ck didn't I get my chipped front tooth fixed before my big day?????

So...deep breath...yes, it's good to watch all this because I won't feel alone in this bridal experience. The only thing I feel sure about is that I'm marrying my Prince Charming and I can't wait to be his wifeepoo. Have lost count of how many times I've tried on my gold band.

More Engagements!

LeeAnne Rimes and Eddie Cibrian are officially engaged, as are Reese Witherspoon and Jim Toth. I'm dazed by so many engagements this past week. After some hellacious breakups in 2010, there had to be ecstatic makeups. Love doubles as Elton John and his husband bring a new baby boy into the world via surrogate. I remember when Elton was bald, but now he looks like Marge who used to work with me at the dry cleaner's circa 1988. She always wore curled wigs and had a ciggie dangling from her mouth as she handled clothes. Those were the days.

In OMP news, Jeff Goldblum is dating Lydia Hearst. An interesting couple and Jeffy does tend to go super-young. Lots of ado over her playing Lindsay Lohan in Dogs in Pocketbooks (I didn't know she was a actress). It's kind of silly to have so much hype long before a movie is out. No one will care in a year.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Countdown to Matrimony: Wedding Movie #11

Only You: This one is a stinker. Newly engaged Marisa Tomei flies to Rome for the purpose of chasing down another Mr. Right conjured from a childhood Ouija board session. Robert Downey Jr., likely knee deep in heroin by this time, is a comical yet sardonic hero/shoe specialist. He falls instantly in love with Marisa and why wouldn’t he? Ah, the early 90s and that desperate need in movies to marry anyone, even if it’s Mr. Wrong. Mr. Wrong is usually a buffoon instead of what he should be, the victim of an immature heroine who has her head up her ass. If you ignore the sniffles and allergies, Bill Pullman sort of pulls it off at the end of Sleepless in Seattle. I hate dumbass heroines, though love Marisa Tomei. Her eyebrows are fabulous.

RIP Teena Marie

R&B artist Teena Marie has passed away. Dish was especially fond of her song "Work It" which was played over and over again in 1989, while walking up and down the Champs Elysees in Paris. Teena Marie crossed many lines and audiences loved and accepted her. She was black and white and the music world has lost an angel. Blessings on her coming and going.

It seems Rachel Weisz and Daniel Craig are a couple. I totally approve. They look good together, which is all that matters, though romances on the set don't bode well. For now, let's enjoy the sizzle and warmth of new celebrity romance.

Update: Holy crapwagons! Natalie Portman is engaged and preggers by her Black Swan choreographer Benjamin Millepied. Double congrats!

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Countdown to Matrimony: Wedding Movie #10

Here Comes the Groom: This classic flick, starring Bing Crosby and Jane Wyman, features a do-gooder man who treats his long-distance girlfriend like dogcrap. Suddenly, he wants to marry her so that he can adopt two French orphans. Don’t you heart him? Bing and Jane are wildly charismatic, as are most of the characters. No cardboard stereotypes here. A marriage ensues and Jane doesn’t seem at all nervous, even with two potential grooms. Bing breaks into song now and then as he is wont to do. Ah, remember Jane Wyman as the feisty matriarch in Falcon Crest? She was quite remarkable though I remember her as Ronald Reagan’s first wife (I wasn’t alive when they were married…or was I?). At the time, she was a huge star and him not so much. Maybe he was intimidated by her presence. I would be! She’s awesome.

There's a Blizzard in NYC!

Praying for a snow day tomorrow even though Dish is a workaholic. I'm not ready for another week. Should I go into my sinus issues? Dizziness, sniffling, mucus.

Segue into Hugh Hefner's popping the question to his 24-year-old cutie. Sixty-year age difference. It's all about the French tip gel nails. Hubba hubba!!! Also, Ginnifer Goodwin got engaged but not to Hugh Hefner.

TG and I just helped the elderly cross streets and taxicabs drive through drifts. Our faces are frozen but beautifully flushed from gusts of 34 mph. Thank goodness we have leftovers from Dishmama.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Countdown to Matrimony: Wedding Movie #9

Best Friends: Before romantic comedies/dramas became so cliché, there existed something called CHEMISTRY. In this one, Burt Reynolds and Goldie Hawn burn up the screen as best friends who suddenly decide to get married and all hell breaks loose. I had forgotten how gorgeous both Burt and Goldie were but, wow. I watched, felt their pain and, most definitely, their true love. It makes me sad that Burt made such poor career decisions because he’s always interesting to watch. Goldie is just pure fun and you sense she’s full of positivity.

Happy Birthday to Dishbrother!!!

I've been blessed with a wonderful older brother. Not only is he handsome (therefore allowed into the family), but also smart, protective, spiritual and a real gentleman. Instead of posting a picture of him, I'll post his doppelganger (though DB is more the result of what would happen if Russell had sex with Eric Stoltz). Here's to Dishbrother! May this year be better than he could possibly imagine. I love you, bro!!!

Back to those stars of the screen: Dr. Drew has recently come out to say that Brangelina will split in "nuclear" fashion. For the sake of their children, I hope this doesn't happen. Dr. Drew speaks out a lot about the stars and tends to have tact issues, though I kind of agree with everything he says (except about Sandra Bullock). I made the mistake of watching Celebrity Rehab and became addicted. That Janice Dickinson continues to be FIERCE.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Effing Christmas

I'm not a fan of this holiday season except for Dishbrother's Birthday, which is tomorrow. Today we must celebrate freshly outed Ricky Martin's birthday. He's had a rebirth this year and I hope it yields new danceable songs. Feliz Navidad!

So many rites of passage these days: Constantine had a baby and Kelsey Grammer is allegedly getting married in January (his divorce not finalized yet). Dish's fear, that he gets married the same day as I do.

One bright spot, after I am married, I will settle in to watch the Golden Globes. It's no accident they're on the same day.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Countown to Matrimony: Wedding Movie #7

Mickey Blue Eyes: Every few years, I convince myself this movie might improve with another viewing. NO SUCH LUCK! It's entirely soporific though, as you can tell, Dish is on a Hugh Grant binge. At best, MBE makes no sense. The chemistry between Hugh and Jeanne? Foggedaboudit! No matter how talented they are, the sizzle ain't there. You don't have to be psychic John Edward to know what happened. Some McKee-worshipping-25-year-old went into a studio exec's office and "pitched" the idea. The studio exec *loved* the Four Weddings and a Funeral meets The Godfather story and saw dollar signs. Seven people probably worked on the crappy script and now it's DOA.

Lovely wedding dress, though. Too bad Dish can't wear white. (And not just b/c of lack of purity)

Happy Birthday to Susan Lucci!!!

And Eddie Vedder and Ralph Fiennes, but mostly Susan (who reminds us a little of Dishmama)!

Dish did something very embarrassing today--all for love. Love of TG, love of my upcoming wedding...and love of Duran Duran. I bombarded Roger Taylor's Facebook page with information about my ceremony music. I figured since FB's quiz "Which Duran Duran Member Are You?" indicated I'm Roger, he'd enjoy this news. Simon, John and Nick might be too flashy to get Dish's quietness. Plus, Roger and I love the same song on the new Duran Duran album. Can you tell I'm trying to project my nervous excitement onto DD rather than obsess about wedding. This is a crazy time. Will the lambs stop screaming, Clarisse?

Poor Jets coach Rex Ryan with his foot fetish hitting the Internets. Everyone has their thing. Mine is...all over this blog. And if you haven't heard yet, here's a Christmas present: Jersey Shore's Pauly D will get his own show because he's sooooo interesting. Perhaps he'll be discussing Cicero's speeches against Cataline.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Countdown to Matrimony: Wedding Movie #6

Notting Hill: As a wedding movie, this is a stretch but I needed a Julia fix. The more I watch, the more I see that Julia’s character is quite nasty toward Hugh. Does this stop me from watching? Mostly, I need to see how Julia does her hair at the end. Like you-know-who, Dish has long luscious hair. Too often, I wear it up for convenience. I acknowledge that hair-up makes my forehead huge and shiny, but my dress warrants a hair-up situation. Around the time Julia filmed this, I walked by her on 2nd Avenue on 49th and nearly collided with a car. Such is her power.

Time to call to find out where the eff my wedding dress is.

What Do You Think Happened?

Regarding Lindsay Lohan and the staffer at Betty Ford, well, I'm sorry but it's all too suspicious that bad things keep happening to LL. If you see someone else drinking, go to another place. If a crazy staffer comes at you, get help or back down (and call the authorities). My personal feeling is that LL should be sent to fight in Afghanistan. That might put her life into real perspective.

Speaking of perspective, Dish woke up right as Obama signed the bill for repealing Don't Ask, Don't Tell. So glad I didn't miss this moment. The day just got better and better with news that actor-turned-director David Schwimmer is going to be a father. I sang from the rooftops and skipped over to Babys R Us to buy a present. Not really. It's the best thing he's done since Friends, though I have yet to see that running movie.

Now finally, what about these Spiderman mishaps. There's not enough money you could pay me to risk my life. I get the feeling Broadway actors can be treated like cattle so this is quite a blow. Maybe the actors should just...well...act and not do all these stunts.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Duran Duran, You're Invited to My Wedding--It's Open Bar

Especially given this EXCELLENT new video. I give this one 4 swoons!
Once again, Duran Duran is my guardian angel, helping me focus on something other than stress.

Countdown to Matrimony: Wedding Movie #5

Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding—The Baywatch theme song often moves me to tears. Just listen to the lyrics and you’ll be touched. Plus, how could anyone resist David Hasselhoff in swim trunks, showing off his hairy man teets? Feast your eyes on the bikinis jiggling along the shoreline. No one jiggles like Pamela Anderson and even Dish gets a little aroused. Best of all, I get to see my old friend Yasmine Bleeth, who by this time bears the ill effects of coke-nose-cave-in. I love that she’s left the entertainment to live a better life. So in this series, you’ll see lots of young people who can’t act and the regulars, Pammy, Carmen and David, hamming it up. David falls for a Stephanie lookalike which everyone thinks is effed up, while Gena Lee Nolin flaunts her blondness to get David back. Danger ensues as an evil Asian man threatens the fine thespians. A couple gems include: “You filthy slut!” “I’m swearing off men!” “You bitch!” There is some fighting on the waterslide—with boobs thrashing in spectacular fashion, all leading to a see-through wedding dress at the end.

Duran Duran's "All You Need Is Now" is FANTASTIC!

Just when you'd given up hope that the boys could produce a consistently fun and danceable CD, they've done it with "All You Need Is Now." Though Dish loved "Red Carpet Massacre," too. If you like Duran Duran, this one is a must. Dish's fave songs so far:

1. Before the Rain
2. Leave a Light On
3. Safe
4. The Man Who Stole a Leopard

I might even buy this one twice.

Celebrity News: Brett Michael is engaged to long-time girlfriend Kristi Gibson (now he can stop with the Rock of Love skankathon. And poor Steve Landesberg, most famous for Barney Miller and the first celeb Dish ever saw in NYC, has passed away. Blessings on his coming and going.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Countdown to Matrimony: Wedding Movie #4

Sex and the City: The Movie—Since someone recently called me a “Carrie bride,” I had to watch this candy even though it makes no sense. Big’s attack of nerves is weird and why would Carrie make such a public spectacle of herself by flinging her bouquet at him? They’d been blissful for the last three years and it all struck me as crazy. Of course, the whole Charlotte having diarrhea in Mexico kills me, too. The color in this flick is exquisite, the New Yorkness is beyond lovely, and Jennifer Hudson is an underused delight. In the end, Carrie winds up doing the opposite of yours truly: Goes from big wedding to City Hall. At first, Dish opted for a City Hall wedding but somehow my idea exploded. Then again, I’ve been out of the spotlight for too long. Sometimes a girl just needs a big wedding!

Watch Duran Duran's "All You Need Is Now"

I was having a mild heart attack today due to my upcoming nuptials, but now I'm in full cardiac-meltdown with Duran Duran singing their new single, "All You Need Is Now" on the UK's show Loose Women (love this title). If you're having a bad day, this will cheer you up. Try not to judge Simon too much on his beard. He needs to shave that damn possum off his handsome face! This song is absolutely growing on me.

Shania Twain is engaged. After her divorce ick, this is a nice break. I'm going to iron someone's shirts now.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Countdown to Matrimony: Wedding Movie #3

How to Marry a Millionaire: Of course, I’d choose this because these babes knew how to marry and strategize. At fourteen, Dish had grand plans to marry John Taylor of Duran Duran. That blond vixen Amanda De Cadenet beat me to it and I don’t think I’ve fully recovered. I would have been set, married to a millionaire even if his star has faded and I would have had to deal with his nasty coke habit in the 80s/90s. Okay, Dish went off on a bitter tangent there. What kind of golddigger would I be if not to honor three great film divas: Lauren Bacall, Betty Grable and Marilyn Monroe who are blessed with the goddess-given right to go after men with money. With her comedic timing and insouciance, Marilyn steals this movie outright from the other starlets. Marilyn 4ever!!!

Sunday Brunch

Can you believe the tabloids are still obsessed with Miley Cyrus's bong activities? And the media is going batsh*t over Ryan and Scarlett having lunch in NYC yesterday. This is not big news. reports that Liz Hurley already split with a cheating boyfriend. He did look like a tool. But two breakups in one year. My head spins for Liz. That's why she needs Hugh Grant back in her life. Together, they could reemerge into the star-o-sphere like a geyser of lusciousness. I smell a comeback!

There is speculation that Burlesque may have bribed its way into a Golden Globe nomination. I haven't seen this flick but the nomination does seem a bit suspicious--like giving Glitter the gold. Even the trailer looks bad. I'll say a thousand hail marys for dissing Cher.

Off to run my lard-ass into the ground.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Countdown to Matrimony: Wedding Movie #2

Mamma Mia!: As Hersheykiss says, this movie tries to fit a square peg in a round hole, but I love it. I first saw this with DM, thoroughly enjoying watching her laugh (her nostrils twitch adorably). This flick made me glad to be female and not care so much to be over 40. Look at the old broads--they stole the movie away from the youngsters and the men. I just have to channel Meryl's buoyancy and joie de vivre for my walk down the aisle.

Oh, and luscious Firth. One of these days, DM and I are having a Firth-a-thon. She hearts The King's Speech so much she's started stuttering.

America on the Verge of Dumping DADT!

Thank you, Senate! Dish was on the treadmill, watching CNN when the news came. When you're fighting in Afghanistan, does anyone stop to gab about who's doinking who, same sex or opposite sex? Thank goodness, the government is starting to come to its senses on this issue.

There's a Twitter-spat between Neil Patrick Harris and some soap actor b/c soaper dissed an appearance on How I Met Your Mother. It's bitchy, it's a generation gap, it's even more evidence that good manners are fading fast. Thank you.

On to more important topics, like the fact that I'm porking out bigtime. So much fudge, baked goods, second dinners in front of me. Time for either a little anorexia and/or doubling workout regime. 29 days.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Countdown to Matrimony: Wedding Movie #1

Mr. Wrong: There's nothing funnier than Ellen DeGeneres playing a hetero bride to a sleek Bill Pullman. I cackled all the way through. Don't even think of renting this turd as the pacing, plot, and presentation are beyond ridiculous. But who doesn't love Ellen and Bill? They probably knew while filming this was a steamer. You'll see several post-coital scenes where Bill talks sexy and Ellen nods adoringly (thinking, "I wish this were Angelina.").

Happy Anniversary to Dish and TG!

A year ago, Dish went to JFK to pick up TG, after not having seen him for twenty-six years. 30 days from now, I'll be sashaying down the aisle to Duran Duran's "Rio," collecting my gold band and filing a new tax form--among many other benefits. TG gets shy about my mentioning him but Tough Bananas--he's made me so happy. Happy Anniversary, TG!

Speaking of weddings, all of Jessica Simpson's exes are engaged as Tony Romo pooped the question to his lady love Candice Crawford (sister to brother bland Chase). Also, there are rumors of a Brangelina wedding next month. Like Perez Hilton, I don't believe it. If it's true, how dare they steal my thunder!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

It's Jon Tenney's Birthday!!!

The tears well up in Dish's eyes, remembering her days as a temp in Cleveland (days from hell). All I had was The New York Times, my spacious apartment and my Equal Justice, starring the ever-spectacular Jon Tenney. Imagine the goosebumps when I called Dishbrother to say how much I loved this new actor on EJ. He groaned and said, "I know Jon. You've MET him." If only Dish had remembered! Since then I had the pleasure of meeting my idol a few times and he's as nice as you think he would be. Happy Birthday, Jon!

Now back to salacious gossip--rumors abound that Dexter's Michael C. Hall and Jennifer Carpenter split because of potential something-something b/w MCH and Julia Stiles (scary teeth). On-set romances are BS. At 16, I played Mrs. Waters in Tom Jones--the sexiest part in a play--and licked chicken grease off my fingers in front of an audience. The whole time I wished that Tom Jones, my son, would fall in love with me. Never happened. Michael, Jennifer, and Julia are blindingly attractive and talented, so I understand the groping. I'm just bitter.

RIP for Blake Edwards, legendary director who brought us Julie Andrews boobies in S.O.B., among other movies.

Ps. One month from today, Dish will be married.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

All Bets Are Off...

The world has gone mad: Denise Richards dating Nikki Sixx? After Charlie and Richie, I counsel her to date someone remotely normal seeming, like a Tom Hanks type. Over the hill rockers are not sexy. She might as well just date Tommy Lee.

Another divorce: Dylan Walsh and Joanna Going. It will be interesting to see where their careers go from here. Or not.

My long-time girl crush Jennifer Connelly is pregnant again from that Paul Bettany. SO GLAD that marriage has lasted though we know who's the prettiest one. Paul is out of her league though despite jealousy, I find him utterly charming on screen.

The vicious London paps caught Hugh Grant arriving at Liz Hurley's place. HURRAY!!! When your marriage goes down the toilet, have sex with your ex!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

More Splits!

Poor Liz Hurley gets upstaged as two more big Hollywood splits happen: Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson; Michael C. Hall and Jennifer Carpenter.

The former I could have predicted but the latter makes me sad. As TG and I watched the Dexter finale, I noticed how worn and stringy Jennifer looked, like they had a baaaad year outside of filming. No amount of makeup in the world can hide major stress.

More announcements: According to People, Julia Roberts has potty mouth (another reason why she and I should be best friends). As I watch Eat Pray Love on my mini-break, I can't help but feel Billy Crudup is the best one in flick. And my love for James Franco seems to be disintegrating. I like the General Hospital thing. The singing, moviemaking, writing and just generally being weird, well, he seems out of control. Though I'm sure I could be coaxed to worship him again.

My next challenge: 30 days before my wedding, I'm thinking of watching a wedding themed movie each day. I'd have to start December 17.

Monday, December 13, 2010

The Splits Heard Round The World

For those of you who don't follow Liz Hurley on Twitter, listen up. Big scandale with her smooching another married man allegedly and then she set the record straight by informing us that she and her husband separated months ago. Well, Dish never got that memo, so am fuming and confused. Sometimes beautiful people (Johnny Depp/Angelina) just cancel each other out. But what's next for Liz? Maybe she could get back to Hugh Grant whose career is in a free fall. Two wrongs make a right. He did make her into a star (fifteen years ago).

I took out my pain on a bacon cheeseburger, not caring if my back fat bulges out of my wedding dress. Oh who am I kidding, this bacon burger went straight to my ass. I returned from lunch to find an additional shocker: Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron split.

I have no words. But I do have Ativan.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

You're Welcome!

Finally got around to watching The Expendables: Smirky banter, machine gun, smirky banter, boob implants, machine gun, banter, face lift, tattoo, machine gun, OMP armpits, banter, banter, conspiracy, machine gun. Jason Stratham and Jet Li seemed the only ones in shape enough for this action movie, though Dish applauds all geriatrics who hobble to the gym. As always, Mickey Rourke was a delight. I can't help loving him.

Nicole Richie and Joel Madden married yesterday. Having kiddies seems to have calmed Nicole down, though I miss her outrageousness from The Simple Life. Now she's so...mature.

Carrie Fisher might have accidentally outed John Travolta. I guess it's not so shocking given many in Hollywood swing everywhere and it's possible to be gay and carry on a loving heterosexual marriage. It's a little tactless of Carrie to spew, but we rumor whores love all spillage.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Star Sighting--Evan Handler

10:26 am, Dish received a text from JJ that he'd just seen "Harry" from SATC at Eataly. "Was he bald and hot?" I asked. "Yeah, like a big cock," JJ answered. Where would we be without the musings of JJ?

In romance, Neve Campbell and Isaiah Mustafa are linked. Lucky girl to be dating this fellow who has made a commercial watchable:

Sad news: Son of Bernie Madoff, Mark, has died in an apparent suicide. So many lives ruined starting two years ago when BM was arrested and horrific crimes came to light. This is why I don't really invest.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Miley Bangs a Bong?

Are we surprised? What teenager doesn't do massive bong hits? It does matter more if the teen is in the spotlight. Well, no it doesn't. Dish has nothing to say about this except that there are more exciting stories... the reviews for The Tourist, which looks exceedingly anti-climactic to me. If you've read Andrew Morton's bio on Ange, you'll know she was obsessed with Johnny. The Post reported that great efforts were made to keep them apart during filming. So nice how perception dictates art nowadays. If they'd been allowed to have candlelight dinners and speak privately perhaps the chemistry on-screen might have been hotter. The trailer looks sterile with beautiful people yapping at each other in old accents. But then...all this is based on nothing.

Can you tell Dish is fed up in general? I have no wedding song, no snacks, no Prophynol and no end or help with my list of things to do. F*CK!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, December 09, 2010

Dish Accidentally Exercised in Public with Pantyhose Stuck to Running Pants!!!

JJ had a star sighting: Alan Rickman at 23rd and 5th at about 3:15. According to JJ, Alan looked "good" but has gone completely gray. Mr. Rickman could wear a bikini and rainbow wig for all I care. He must be revered at all times.

So, Seth Meyers was the choice to regale at the White House Correspondents dinner. Really? He can be funny sometimes but help is needed. This season's SNL has been beyond awful.

The savior would be Aaron Sorkin who just ripped Sarah Palin a new one: It's official: I love him and agree with everything he says. Palin bashing has gotten very old for me, but he's pure entertainment and smarts.

In sadder news, it seems Aretha Franklin might have pancreatic cancer. I hope she finds comfort and better health in the days to come.

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

Name Changing

If Katy Perry can change her name after marriage, so can Dish. The more I'm counseled to keep my name for professional reasons, the more I say, "I don't wanna!" Much thinking went into this decision, and the stars helped me. Look at Puff Daddy. He's been Diddy, P. Diddy and Carmella Divine but do we care? Courtney Cox easily transitioned to Courtney Cox Arquette and my name will stay the same length. What's more frightening is the amount I just spent at Sephora on "wedding makeup." Kat Von D puts out a nice lipstick. Frighteningest: the number of celebrities with fragrances at Duane Reade--Antonio Banderas, Halle Berry, Britney Spears, Tim McGraw, Faith Hill, Jessica Simpson. I don't want to smell like any of these people.

Racy pics of Christina Aguilera leak out to fuel her current media blitz: divorce, new romance, potential rerelease of "Bionic," Burlesque. She's very talented, blows Britney out into space talent-wise, but I don't think it'll help. No one remembers that she's the other pop tart who made out with Madonna. Except Dish.

Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Elizabeth Edwards Dies...

Very sad. Just read this headline. Blessings on her comings and goings. I hope her children get some good therapy and TLC.

In less notable news, far less, Kim Kardashian and Gabriel Aubry split after a short relationship (i.e. They're just not that into each other? Sometimes two good looking people cancel each other out, as in Johnny Depp and Angelina who looked like statues in pictures at last night's premiere of The Tourist).

There are now trailers for Mel Gibson/Jodie Foster's potential dud The Beaver. So many jokes, so little time.

Final word: Love of Duran Duran is like Herpes*; There is No Cure. You might experience sudden and frequent outbreaks. I am very itchy and twitchy over downloading the new single "All You Need Is Now" at midnight.

*Dish does not have Herpes

Monday, December 06, 2010

Someone's Hollywood Stock Just Went Up

Blond bombshell Amber Heard has come out. Loveliness. She reminds me of Scarlett Johanssen and her career, let's hope, will soar. I last enjoyed Amber as Dr. Reid's romantic interest on Criminal Minds.

More blondness, Kelsey Grammer is engaged to his tootsie. Yick but not a surprise. Does this woman know what she's getting into? Though at 29, Dish might have been bedazzled by one of the most famous sit-com actors of all time.

Save a prayer for Elizabeth Edwards whose cancer has spread. I feel bad for all that her children have had to endure--a big effing mess.

Dish wouldn't be doing her job if not encouraging everyone to help make Duran Duran's new single "All You Need Is Now" reach #1 in its first week. Yes, there's a Fabook club you can join: Yes, Dish joined.

Sunday, December 05, 2010

Sunday Thoughts

Stars say goodbye to their New York landmark, Elaine Kaufman, who died this week. Upon moving to NYC in 1997, Dish went to Elaine's to announce her arrival to everyone. Sat at the bar, had a Sprite, no big whoop but soaked in the history. Blessings on Elaine's comings and goings.

Dish had wedding nightmares--people sleeping in the front row, announcer getting Dish's name wrong, fear of fainting at the altar. In the midst of this, I also dreamt that Simon Le Bon made a spectacular splash in the fashion world by modeling flashy red dresses. Everyone was agog and aflutter over his wild stylings and flair.

Did you hear Danny Bonaduce got married? Another child-actor train wreck but I have to stick by the gingies. I hope they're happy.

Today's Post was full of exciting news: review of new Cleopatra book, Alexa Ray Joel sexily proclaims she's worked hard on herself through hard work, Diddy supported a breast cancer charity, took his fee but left the charity with nothing. Are there two sides to this story? Reminds me of a scene in Maid in Manhattan where J.Lo rants about Ralph Fiennes spending a lot of money on a charity event when it could have gone straight to charity. J.Lo, Diddy--remember those days?

Now struggling with whether or not to see The Black Swan. The movie posters scare the piss out of me and I have a problem with Natalie Portman based on no logical assessment of her talent (probably female jealousy--smart, beautiful, talented and has the love of Julia). Recently, Julia raved about Natalie, wanting to rub her feet, so am rethinking my stance altogether.

Saturday, December 04, 2010

Hide the Hellmann's!

Just to show America has sunk to a new low in what this country decides is worthy of fame: The Kardashians girls told Conan they put mayo on their vajajays so that they are shiny. All day I've had this awful image in my head. So many jokes, so much grossness. READ A BOOK!

To combat this trauma, Dish drank like a fish (which means one full glass of wine and some scotch), partying with party animals twice her age.

Am considering watching Mary Reilly again, which happens about once every five years. Sadly, never made it through the whole thing even though it is Julia.

Friday, December 03, 2010

Get The Hell Off My Plane!

Very little angers me about celebrities but I draw the line at phone-throwing, rudeness to the little people and acting out on a plane. I've cut off Russell Crowe, Andy Roddick and now Josh Duhamel, who was ejected from a plane for not turning off his cell (and being dicky to flight attendants).

Today's beef: I don't buy that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are dating. Their romance seems too convenient to me, a way to fend off amorous fans. All these pics of them canoodling--FAKE to Dish. Just as I don't buy the Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens. Young people in the limelight don't stay together that long or carry on stable relationships for years at a time. They ride a roller coaster of hookups, breakups, drama, secret craziness, habits and more hookups. I call BS on all of it. Better yet, I'm thinking everyone's gay!

Maybe that's an overreaction since I have a confession. After months of naysaying, I'll admit, I've been secretly watching The A-list: New York ALL SEASON LONG and cannot wait for every episode. It's sad, it's terrible, but these vindictive queens are my life.

Dish had a slight nervous breakdown yesterday and found comfort in Season 6 of Sex and the City. As I watched, I realized with a thunderbolt that I'm marrying Harry Goldenblatt (only TG has full head of hair and is painfully handsome). I'm just as uptight as Charlotte (except much messier) and he's the voice of reason. How lucky am I that someone puts up with all my sh*t?

Thursday, December 02, 2010

Another Diva's Birthday

Happy Birthday to Britney Spears! Her special day arrives in the midst of controversy regarding her current BF. Star and her first husband allege Brit's BF is beating the crap out of her and, interestingly, bruise photos have surfaced. Is it real or Photoshop? Is Britney being abused or is this more famewhoring? I find it difficult to believe she's only 29. She's gone through so much already. Put me in a rubber room, y'all!

In a freaky ending, a potential suspect in the Ronnie Chasen murder shot himself when confronted by police. I'm sorry but I would rather see this on Criminal Minds and not in real life. Dish is scared!

Further scariness, I'm having visions of overrated Tarentino and Uma drinking champagne out of her shoes during his Roast. Must focus on news that Katie Couric will be on Glee possibly after Superbowl. I love Katie! Don't care if she's a diva. She's kept me strong since 1991.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

The Wind Beneath Our Wings

Happy birthday to Bette Midler! She sings like a bird and does good deeds for Mother Earth. Please make The First Wives Club II!

The Post reports that CNN's Parker and Spitzer are feuding. Parker hates that Spitzer takes center stage. Well, if that's true, she needs to do something wild and crazy: like release a sex tape or boink a high school senior. Respectable doesn't fly anymore.

Dish is sleep deprived, as usual. Maybe I could talk to Paul Weston from In Treatment. Last night's session with Adele floored me. Such chemistry between them. Those shrinkies do love to push the envelope--and fantasize about removing panties. Freud would be proud. I'm sure he'd have his own reality show.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Dish Is a Nanowrimo Winner!

Not sure if I remember what I wrote, but it's done. 50K words. A juicy FICTIONAL Dish tell-all.

So, Happy birthday, Billy Idol! In the midnight hour, we all cry, "More More More."

In Treatment: The Sunil storyline disturbs me. Don't you feel he's going to kill his daughter-in-law? Love this show. It scrapes the insides of your brain and takes you to dark places. With Nanowrimo under the belt, Dish now thinks she's friggin Edgar Allen Poe!

Sad Duran Duran news: They've had to cancel tour of South Africa. This means they can spend more time with us in the States!!! They were mentioned on tonight's Glee ("Rio," to be exact, Dish's wedding song!) so it's only a matter of time before their seventh wave of greatness. On a related note, Bob Geldof now pans "Do They Know It's Christmas," which put him on the map (okay, maybe Pink Floyd's The Wall helped) and made teenage Dish squirm with happiness. Even though the lyrics are ridiculous, let's take an awesome, once considered inspired, trip into the past:

Monday, November 29, 2010

Goodbye to the Naked Gun

Dish is bleeding from the eyes from the flood of "Don't call me Shirley" Facebook status updates. Let us mourn Leslie Nielsen, whose Airplane and Naked Gun movies enthralled viewers. I won't call him Shirley, but I will call him Leslie. R.I.P., you silver fox. He was good on The Love Boat, too.

Speaking of love, A-Rod and Diaz are back on! Though perhaps they were never "off." The holidays always bring people together.

Rumor has it James Franco and Anne Hathaway will host the Oscars. I'm sorry but I want a funny comedian who traditionally bombs with the unfunny overly-PC Oscar audience. These guys don't laugh. Maybe it's the Botox or takingselftooseriouslyitis?

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Star Sighting--Rachel Dratch

2:15, Whore Foods, Union Square: While taking an afternoon constitutional, Dish spotted funnywoman Rachel Dratch pushing a baby carriage through the dairy section. Sporting chic black sweatpants, she seemed harried but one would expect this if pushing a baby carriage through a crowded store during the busiest weekend of the year. Hope she got out okay. TG and I spent 0$ though did discover they sell Growler beer.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Post Thanksgiving Withdrawal

The city still empty and I'm craving another Thanksgiving dinner. Because the stars aren't delivering tasty goods either, I introduced TG to Waiting for Guffman, a classic. See fun clip: Upon waking, I realized I'd missed Duran Duran on The Today Show. Dish is getting old.

Speaking of old, Willie Nelson was busted for pot again. Why don't the authorities just let him smoke his doobies? No one is going to stop him. He's a legend, not hurting anyone. Other criminals do more serious stuff. Willie and doobies go together like Mom and apple pie.

Friday, November 26, 2010

The city is dead...

...and Dish still feels like death warmed over. With a couple exceptions, it was mostly a wasted day, which aggravates. If I can't cross things off my To Do, who am I?

Well, I'm not Taylor Swift, though we both sing a little off key. She is the envy of many gay men because she might have even touched the abs of the Prince of Persia, Jake Gyllenhaal. Tabloids report they had Thanksgiving maple lattes (gag!) over the holiday. I'm sure they had a lot of lattes, and why shouldn't they?

Hope you're having a Happy Thanksgiving weekend. Dish is catching up on her stars, like Nicki Minaj and Cheryl Cole. It's a new generation.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Dish is thankful for...

...Lindsay getting out of rehab for Thanksgiving. Dish stayed behind bars through Christmas, without so much as a ho ho ho. Well, maybe a ho.

...Michael Douglas being healthy enough to go to Disney World with his family. He's as skinny as Catherine. The two could tip over at any second. Eat, papa.

...Duran Duran's new album comes out in December.

...Jennifer Grey won DWTS. Power to the middle age!

...most of all, thanks to TG, family and friends.