Friday, April 30, 2010

Star Sighting--Could Be Fake Because TG Can Be a Liar

TG says he saw Ed Asner today at the hot dog cart on 86th Street. The vendor recognized him and Ed said, "Yeah, I'm Ed Asner but I've gotten spiritual. Can you make me one with everything?"

Okay, I think that's a lie. Damn you, TG, for toying with Dish!

Cyclops and the City

Isn't this hilarious? Official poster!!! Click on it to get the full effect.

"Hello, Sandra? Hi, it's Halle."

"What's new, fellow Oscar winner for Best Actress?"
"That award is a love-curse. My hot man and I are dunzo."
"Been there!"
"Can I bring my baby over to meet your baby and have a big cryfest?"
"Way ahead of you. Whipping up some margaritas and have a bucket of Snickers bars."

Allegedly, Halle's man just wasn't feeling it, which is more legit than whoring with every tattooed stripper in town, thereby eclipsing your wife's Oscar win. It's okay, best actresses, you will survive!

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Star Sighting--Joan Allen

5:15 pm, 12th and 7th Ave: Dish would know JA's adorable smooshy nose anywhere. DishFriends have had the sighting before and prepared me for Stick Figure Woman. She walked by and I whipped around to see the boney ass. This one had some junk in her trunk. It might not have been Joan Allen at all.

Why... Lindsay Lohan back in the news again? Dish is perpetuating this but I don't understand. She's the most boring person on the planet. What is she doing now that's different from a year ago, i.e. drinking and getting fired from movies? It's been downhill since The Parent Trap.

Alexa Ray Joel got a nose job and now she looks like everyone else. I for one feel huge honkers are sexy. It didn't hurt Barbra Streisand or Adrian Brody.

Tonight TG and I are going to see Cirque du Soleil--the banana one. I'm told some of the dancers wear next to nothing at all. Score!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

It's a Boy!

Sandra adopted adorable Louis Bardo Bullock. What a cute photo. I'm happy for her, but think the timing is weird. We've felt bad for Sandra--not really sorry for her because she's tough, must have known what she married, and has mega-bucks. Having the baby wraps up the previous two months' horror in a nice bow. She won't be lonely now that she has Louis. I doubt it. This Jesse James catastrophe will take a while to get over during which she'll probably be a great mother--especially since she had kept this enormous secret for four months. I sort of think this cover of People should have waited maybe another month. But, whatever, good for her!

Wonder how much People paid her and did she give it to charity?

Tuesday, April 27, 2010


Dish is weeping at the keyboard. Tonight my favorite show Glee aired a new episode, but did I have time to watch? I was responsible and did work. Using her favorite term (other than "The hubris of modernity"), DM would call this "autopunition." It pays bills.

Because I'm in a bad mood, I'll unload an irritation. On Sunday's Brothers & Sisters, the fabulous Sarah thought belatedly that she might be pregnant then couldn't remember when her last period was and maybe she was late. When you're having a lot of unprotected sex with a hot French man named Luc who dropped out of the sky, you're ALWAYS keeping track. Most girls always keep track and know exactly when it's supposed to come, unless she "has irregular periods." Now that I've made J.J. on his Gin & Tonic I will go to sleep.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Happy Birthday, Roger Taylor!

Today, our dear Rog is 50 and the most well preserved of Duran Duran--officially. My feeling about Roger--because you're hanging on each word--he bored me at first with his shyness and gender specific hair but then I was 14. He had a good move now and then, i.e. His sober-eyed drum twirl in the video for "Girls on Film" indicated a highly evolved creature that resided on a cloud above the screeching girls. He left the band, and, truth be told, I didn't cry. After a few years, I missed him (tho "Notorious" drumming was excellent) and was elated when he returned. It made me realize how integral he was to the band, providing a peaceful balance (this based on perception and not reality. They might all fight like snakes).

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Now It's Really Official

Another unnamed actress (I'm wondering if it's Julianna Margulies) reported in today's Post that Steven Seagal used to harrass actresses during the filming of Out for Justice way back in the early 1990s. This is the movie where Seagal wore a French beret and spoke with a hilarious accent. The Seagal camp claims that this actress is bitter for not having a better career, which is kinda pot calling kettle black. Maybe SS could do Jenny Craig, which has breathed new life into Valerie Bertinelli. His camp also wonders why it took this actress twenty years to come forward. Ha! This was the time of Anita Hill, William Kennedy Smith, where you get skewered if you come forward against a powerful man. Asswipes.

Based on this new testimony, a couple tips years ago that I chose to ignore, I really have to give up my obsession with his movies. It'll probably take another push for me to put the DVDs into a bag for the Salvation Army.

Please don't tell me that Julia and the members of Duran Duran are also heathens. My world has been shaken enough.

Ugly Sexy Money

I forgot to report Langdon met porn icon Ron Jeremy. My insides rebel when I hear of imperfect stars having sex and this one bangs often. But Langdon assured me that Ron has a special je-ne-sais-quoi that transcends the less-than-leading-man looks. Plus, there's his huge wang. Cleopatra was allegedly hideous with a massive honker. I remember being shocked that Justin Timberlake and Gene Simmons could be sex icons when one looks like a baby lemur and the other has brillo pad hair. Then I watched Family Jewels and was mesmerized. I get it now. Also if looks and personality don't exist, there's always money to float someone's boat (Hugh Hefner, Donald Trump, Paris Hilton, John Mayer, Snooki). Dish has tested this and the results are: you earn every penny if you're with someone who lacks je-ne-sais-quoi.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

I Almost Forgot!

Happy Birthday to Barbra Streisand and Shirley MacLaine. I have Funny Girl and Sweet Charity ready to watch. Good thing TG not here to witness this Persephone marathon. I ate too much ice cream. Scotch is next.

Dish FINALLY met Gale Harold!!!

That was evil. The truth is I'm now two degrees from Gale. My friend Langdon, the infectious (in a non-STD way) host of "Langdon Nation" ( met Hal Sparks, which is almost like my meeting Gale. Langdon reports that Hal has the sexiest voice and was charming. But what about Gale???? Not to worry, Langdon mentioned to Hal that he (Langdon) had a friend (Dish) who liked Hal's (really, just Gale's) work (charisma, not necessarily work itself). Which is close. Yay, dream come true!

Since nothing could top this excitement, Dish settled in with All About Steve, where Sandra plays a nerdy wordsmith stalker of Bradley Cooper (who, I'm sure, kills small animals but has great gay frosted tips). I hate to admit this: I mostly wanted to hit Sandra's character for being such a nerd.

Back to my cross stitching of trite sentence on pillow, followed by multiple testings of gravity from lofty place--like my superior brain!

Friday, April 23, 2010


Watching 2012 and scared out of my wits. When the sh*t goes down, I'm ready for my cyanide pill. Escaping Armageddon is too much work. Flying to outer space would put me in a straightjacket. While the movie's story is cliche beyond words, the special effects are fantastic. It's nice we live in a world that allows Oliver Platt to take over as President. Finally.

Dish is alone for the weekend and while I miss TG terribly, it will give me the opportunity to see The Back-up Plan without detection. J. Lo is irresistible to Dish, no matter how bad the flick (Monster-in-Law). This one seems beyond awful with the cliche morning sickness, clumsy heroine tripping over self and wispy hero who is no match for the Mighty Mistress of Booty. Then again, perhaps I'll focus my attention and prayers on another celebrity, for we all must send a message heavenward as Brett Michaels seems to be in ICU for a brain hermorrage. Redundant but true.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Why dwell on minutia?

Because it's fun. Kate Hudson got a boob job, though she didn't get porn jugs. My friend L, who hosts a popular radio show in LA, says plastic surgery is an investment everyone in Hollywood is expected to make. I enjoy the novelty of a flat-chested actress (Debra Messing, you're carrying the torch). I never even noticed Kate's boobs, just her sunny smile and infectious perkiness (just like her wonderful mama). Show biz boobs are everywhere, spilling over garments and flopping en route. As Julia says regarding breasstttss in Notting Hill, "What's the big deal?" Then again, if it makes her feel better, more power to her.

Can you tell it was a slow news day?

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

"Somewhere in the English countryside...Madonna is crying."

I'm obsessed with last night's episode of Glee, "The Power of Madonna." Hearing that music again gave me chills. It could be an actual fever but maybe it's Madonna's power coursing through my veins. Most important for me is the power of Jane Lynch. That woman "haunts my dreams."*

News: Heather Locklear had a run in with the law, a hit and run at 4 a.m. I wasn't there, but it seems fishy to me. As is Cameron Douglas's light sentence for DRUG DEALING. More women have come forward in the Steven Seagal sexual harrassment case, which means I can no longer watch him. At least, Kate Gosselin was eliminated from Dancing with the Stars. Now the viewing public has to stop caring about her so she can return to being a mom. A little justice here and there.

Back to Glee.

* from The 40-Year-Old-Virgin.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Sharon is on L&O:SVU in two weeks!

Who better to sex up and chew scenery on L&O: SVU than Sharon Stone? Love the hair, love the fake glasses, love everything. Will she cross her legs suggestively during questioning?


The first photos of Sandra have surfaced and, OMG, she's not wearing her wedding ring. I was also spotted without my signature hematite ring on my middle finger--prime for bird-flipping at paps--and I had a better excuse than a cheating husband. It broke in the effing shower.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Where is the love?

Something tawdry lingers in the air, like when TGcat has had too much cheese. Maybe it's the Iceland volcano, whose ash released less poison this week than the number of airplanes that usually fly over. Hurry for the volcano!

Boo for the ick in Hollywood right now. It seems A-rod and Cameron Diaz are hooking up. I was worried A-Rod would be without a bubbly blond but will Cameron attend all his games the way Kate Hudson did? She won the World Series last year.

Dish got her first taste of Kesha on SNL. She's kind of alluring but her voice isn't amazing, almost like a female Eminem but without the genius. Speaking of genius, SNL no longer has any. That's a cliche since 1975, but this season is particularly stinky.

As was last night's Desperate Housewives and Brothers & Sisters. TG said, "Is Desperate Housewives always this bad?"

Sunday, April 18, 2010

More Money for Sandra

Is Oxygen taking advantage of our renewed obsession with Sandra or is the network supporting her? Right now, her movies are playing back to back. I turned on for a second but one look at her face and I wanted to weep. I know she'll come through stronger than ever, but it's too soon for Dish.

Cover your eyes, JJ, because this will hurt. Kathy Griffin did a poolside pap smear and got vagazzled to raise pubic, I mean, public awareness for women's cancers. I'm not sure if the notion of vagazzling came from Jennifer Love Hewitt, but I support it. Tho, who has time for vagazzling? Not Dish. If I'm going to devote precious minutes to gluing crystals and sequins on my pelvic area, I better be starring in a Las Vegas show with Cher.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Damn You, Iceland!

It's enough that the Iceland ash disrupted normal travelers' schedules but the stars have been inconvenienced and this will not be tolerated. Poor John Cleese hired a cab to drive him from Norway to Belgium. The sad part of this is that Dish had to look at a world map because we thought Norway and Europe were separated by an ocean.

New Moon (aka Vampires Wear Lipstick)

In an effort to abolish the mental image of Larry King having sex with his sister-in-law, Dish went back 100 years to watch New Moon, which is Romeo and Juliet with a little homoeroticism thrown in. Vampires trump werewolves and I felt bad for multi-talented Taylor Lautner. It boggles the mind that Bella, the most apathetic and depressed teenager, would warrant such fierce rivalry and desire. I say, give her some Zoloft and padlock her door. Of course, Robert Pattinson wins her affections. I couldn't take him seriously as a romantic hero because 1. I'm not 16 and 2. Someone stepped on his face. 3. he's wearing sparkling crimson lipstick. Then I remembered all the makeup Duran Duran wore, especially coral-gloss-wearing Nick Rhodes. Nothing has changed. I am officially old.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Dish is on Facebook!

You can now become a fan of Dish Upon a Star. The page is fairly empty and ready for all your scathing or joy-filled comments on the stars. This site will gain momentum over the next few months as I read Blogging for Dummies REALLY FAST and brainstorm with Dishbrothersidekick, who is my true brain.

As for news, how about that Steven Seagal? His reality show has been suspended and more damaging unZen doody is coming out. I'd blocked from my memory Jenny McCarthy's outrageous Seagal experience and Sharon Stone's enraged silence about working with him. How could my spiritual water buffalo be such a letch? I must focus 100% of my attention on Julia now. During tough times, WWJD? For instance, Dish HATES the Upper East Side. I get hives when I have to take the 6 uptown. Yes, 1/2 of my exes live up there, but worst, it's the site of too many fits of Dish-anxiety. Reality check: Julia has popped out three kids, traveled all over the world, been in a relationship with Kiefer Sutherland and lived to tell about it. Going to the UES is small potatoes for Julia, ergo small potatoes for Dish. Here I go...out the door. Lovely people are waiting at the other side.

ps. FYI--Dish's cheekbones are starting to look like Julia's.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Fast Times at JJ High

Dish went to get cut/dyed and now looks fabulous. JJ and I discussed all the important things of life:

How awesome Damages is this third season
How much we hate Martin Short but JJ thinks he's amazing on Damages
Ellen Degeneres's face lift and when we think she got it
Sandra Bullock--face work or no? Yes, we think some Botox
Nicole Kidman: Men at Work on that face even though she denied it
How awful Chloe is, with 45 minutes of Julianne Moore and Amanda Siegfried having sex and who cares? Love Julianne Moore personally.
We admitted that even though we think Mel Gibson is a deplorable person, he's incredibly talented (and gay, Dish thinks)

We discussed Larry King and how Viagra has made it possible for old coots to get laid indefinitely. Not sure this is a good thing. Some need to put theirs in storage.

TG met JJ and had this to say about my hairguru, "He's everything I expected and more. (Does this merit a 15% discount?)"

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Two Saggy-Asses Are Single Again

Girls, don't swarm them all at once:

1. Mel Gibson has left his Russian baby-mama. Wonder if he'll go back to Robin who stuck by him from the beginning. Or he'll go into a nice special bathhouse, get real sweaty and find some way to releave his ache.

2. Larry King seems to be getting his eighth divorce. He and Liz Taylor could make a go of it.

I feel balance has been restored, even with my cattiness because my ass sags, too, like all the way down to my knees. I'm fine with this life-long condition. That's why the Goddess invented Spanx and Joan from Mad Men. Her caboose is massive.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Meet Crazy

Ah, Jon Voight. Not only does he alienate his children, go on TV to cry about Angelina, support Giuliani for President, now he's calling Obama a rapist. I'd ignore JV, but...but...okay, let's ignore him. Girlfriend hasn't done anything in ages. Why not cry rape? Jackass!

Now, time to get ready for Glee and the goddess Jane Lynch.


Several sites report that Steven Seagal kept sex slaves during the filming of Lawman and now he's being sued. There are too many jokes I could make, so I'll refrain. This Glimmer Man is Under Seige because he has too much Fire Down Below and feels that he's Above the Law. Let's hope the ensuing prison time doesn't render him Marked for Death. That would give him a pain in the Exit Wounds!

So, the real question is: Does Dish give up watching SS movies before flying? It's my good luck charm. During high pucker times, I ask myself "What Would Steven Do?" and a mental image of him calms me. "What Would Steven Do?" now means "Keep Sex Slaves." That would put me On Deadly Ground with TG.

You'd think with all the sex he'd lose weight. Okay, that's just mean, Dish.

Update: The Seagal camp is crying foul. Thank goodness.

Monday, April 12, 2010

False Alarm on Number Nine!

Upsie dupsies, Liz Taylor is NOT engaged again. You'd think she would have stopped after five. Of course, some of us haven't even had one. Violet-eyed b*tch! (Just kidding--I really am afraid of Virginia Woolf).

Kitty Kelley has a new book on Oprah coming out and alleges that Oprah and John Tesh had some hot interracial lovin' going on way back before Connie Selleca rocked his New Age keyboard. John Tesh/Oprah--I don't see it.

Conan will join TBS with his own 11-12 talk show. Not sure this is a stellar move, but thank God, he's employed again as of November.

In other news, Dish is exhausted. The stars never sleep and neither do I.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Female Gay Icon Engaged

Soon we'll have proof that sweet National Velvet star Elizabeth Taylor has had sex nine times since she'll take on her ninth husband. Though as we know from The Tudors, Jonathan Rhys Meyers didn't have sex with wife Joss Stone and their marriage was annulled. Love transcends age but I wonder how much a 49 y.o. man has in common with a 79 y.o. starlet (mama). I know: He thinks she's FABULOUS! Isn't Liz in a wheelchair, at death's door, in constant neck pain? This scenario seems awfully familiar, like when Liza Minelli married David Guest. If I were in so much pain, I'm not sure I'd want to engage in bedroom acrobatics. But what better fun than to marry a gay man, someone who adored you? If I had gobs of money and fame, I'd love to support his hopes/dreams and give him the rush of happiness that comes from being married to an icon. I would marry Cher in a heartbeat, and not just for her money.

Shocking Weekend

Dixie Carter, most famously of Designing Women, died yesterday at age 70. What's happening? Maybe Dish is at the age where everyone is dying. DC was far too young. I hope she and the President of Poland are doing a polka and discussing the hideous drapes up in heaven.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Whose Birthday Is It?

Today is a day of deep mourning for the President of Poland. Let it also be a day of celebration as Steven Seagal turns 58. Happy birthday to my favorite bloated action star/spiritual guru! I'll rejoice with this Steven mantra from Fire Down Below:

"I'll have 300 agents come up here into this little hick town and crawl up every orifice you got. When it's over you can go to your favorite proctologist and get a nice, soothing ointment, and rub it on the hole that hurts most."

WTF? The President of Poland Dies!

President of Poland Lech Kaczynski died this morning in a plane crash in Western Russia. TG did some research, finding out they flew in a crappy plane in the fog. How stupid and preventable is that? Hello, JFK, jr. anyone? In theory, public servants should receive just as bad air service as the little people, but c'mon now. Many noteworthy people in Poland died in this crash. It seems suspicious to me--at the very least, a needless tragedy. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to play Russian roulette with traffic on 7th Avenue.

Friday, April 09, 2010


Let's keep count: Jesse James, Tiger Woods, Tiki Barber. Now Actress Garcelle Beauvais-Nilon (I'm not sure who she is either but she's gorgeous) claims her husband cheated and just announced it on the Internets. Good for her! These wives are making it so hard, though. Tons of women cheat but where is the equal coverage? The trailer for Sex and the City 2 implies Carrie will cheat on Big with Aidan. I smell writers who can't find anything else to do for this franchise. It's a little like SNL after Tina Fey left. I can't wait to see the flick, will count the number of times the girls squeal and set off to a foreign country. More cheating: one of the Gossip Girls allegedly stepped out on Ed Westwick and he dumped her. No marriage and children involved but it's still serious.

Speaking of serious, the lemon bars at Citarella are seriously delicious!

Thursday, April 08, 2010

Rock Me, Amadeus

Instead of the Housewives of NYC, Dish will experience more cultural cattiness tonight. Going to see The Magic Flute (The Magic Fruit) at the Met. I'll pass where Nic Cage and Cher met at the fountain in Moonstruck. The challenge will be: sitting still for 186 minutes. Luckily, it's in the dark and I can create sordid intrigues in my head. Dish once got a tour of the Met's bowels, learned that one tenor used the area to fornicate with lowly damsels when he wasn't on stage. Tonight, like Julia and Cher, I'll be touched by the music and an errant tear will makes its way down my soft cheek.

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Promises, Promises

Only the majesty of Sean Hayes could drive Dish to a musical. He was amazing on stage, convincing me that he was no longer Jack McFarland. I even believed he was straight and in love with Kristin Chenoweth. Sadly, the music in this "musical" is deadly dull. I expected more from Burt Bacharach. The dancing and performances were solid but no one could overcome the material. Chenoweth had far too many depressing ballads, to the point where an overdose of sleeping pills seemed a logical solution to her quandary. Katie Finneran as "Marge" stole the show and had great chemistry with Hayes. I would have rather the show be all about them. It's a shame: The Apartment is adorable.

This won't deter me from my quest to support Sean Hayes unconditionally (not financially) in all endeavors.

Relationships Are Complicated!

Ex-football star Tiki Barber pulled a Billy Crudup (+ nuptuals and children) and left his pregnant wife for, yawn, his 23 y.o. sweetheart. It's understandable. When Dish was 23, she really cared about things: like seeing if Keanu Reeves would come visit me in New Mexico, how to starch shirts, and aerobics. Tiki needed a change.

The pool of publicly humiliated spouses is growing.

Star Sighting--John Michael Higgins

At last night's performance of Promises, Promises. We were separated by three seats. I wanted to reach over and pinch him. Instead, I found excuses to stare at John Michael Higgins. "Oh, TG, look at the chandelier." "TG, I wonder who else is here." "I have to stretch my long, elegant neck, especially to my right side." Dish tried to eavesdrop but, alas, no nuggets were acquired. He does have a booming laugh.

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Unforgettable Stars BREAK UP!

It's like an epidemic! I'm not sure how I'll handle this one. Jim and Jenny seemed so perfect together but after five years, they've bid adieu to their relaysh.


(TG, don't even think about it!)

Forgettable Stars Break Up

The news was like a fist to the stomach. Audrina Partridge and Ryan Cabrera split up. When the plane landed, they were totally cool but then they were like fighting and got separate hotel rooms. Whatever happened to sleeping on the couch and making up at dawn when you realize you couldn't sleep because you had a crick in your neck and missed the person sleeping in the bed? Audrina is the one with the vacant stare on The Hills. Oh, that's not enough? She's the brunette. I think Cabrera is a musician, but I knew him when he was dating Ashlee Simpson, Jessica Simpson's forgettable sister who is now married to a forgettable musician. The sad thing--like the elephant, Dish never forgets!

In other news, Nicollette Sheridan is suing Marc Cherry over a Desperate Housewives bitch-slapping. I was waiting for something from her. What else will she do since she got electrocuted on the show and broke up with Michael Bolton?

Me, I'm planning my own publicity stunt. Basketball under clothes, fainting spell at the Ivy, powder on my cleavage. You do the math.

Monday, April 05, 2010

Victim or Fame-whore?

I'm starting to lose hope in celebrities but Sandra and Elin carry the torch for me. Elin isn't attending the Masters. While the media says her presence would be a distraction for precious wittle Tiger, Dish feels she blew it off because golf is super-boring to watch.

Sandra gets my top vote for staying out of the limelight. Sure, she's been humiliated and the temptation to hibernate is irresistible. I love that she's denying the paps their photos. Right this second, a photo of Grieving Sandra has to be worth a good million dineros. According to The Post, Jesse left rehab 40 days early because she wouldn't take his call. He's supposedly furious and wants to confront her. I'm not sure if it began with my generation (X) or Y, but there's this belief that you can be pardoned for outrageous behavior. If you're really sorry, the big romantic scene should happen and all will be forgiven. SOME THINGS ARE UNPARDONNABLE. You screw up, you're gone--no therapy, no extra credit, no touchy feely confessions or press conferences.

Lindsay Lohan gets caught falling often. Photos keep popping up with the allegation that she's always trashed. Well, Dish would have a problem with stardom since falling is a daily occurrence. Stay strong, Lindsay! Be kind: We fair-skinned babes bruise easily. Steps can be uneven and happen suddenly!

Re: Erin Andrews's rise to fame. First, she's a victim of being filmed naked, then she's famous (but not the fame she asked for, of course)--so famous she gets onto Dancing with the Stars. On the show, she's adorable and talented. Rumors abound that she's dating her handsome dancing partner. Audiences are voting and she gets death threats. Will she have the strength to go on with the show tonight? How much do you want to bet she'll win the competition? While I'm all for victims reclaiming power, it smells like part of a master plan to me. Regardless, I hope she is safe. But: F*ck DWTS, Dish is watching the two-hour episode of 24.

(sorry, DM, for the swear)

(Go Sandra!!!)

Sunday, April 04, 2010

Four Dicks and a Chick

I have to wonder: Where will the next scandal come from? These days, it's all about what cheating/abusive spouses are doing. Bruce Springsteen is allegedly involved in a couple's divorce, Tiger Woods returned to golf but his wife is not by his side (good for her!), Charlie Sheen will return to his show (needs $$$) and Jesse James left rehab after v. little time (I guess he's all better now). We need examples of great spouses, don't we?

TG and I are having a Dolly Parton moment. We watched the video for "Better Get to Livin'" and I might have convinced him to watch Straight Talk. He thinks she's "cute" and he's always liked her. Fingers crossed we can also watch Steel Magnolias, which could be the beginning of his nightmare.

Saturday, April 03, 2010

Oh, Moses, Moses (Duran Duran)

To celebrate the coming of the Lord and the overflowing river of chocolate rabbits, Dish watched The Ten Commandments. Before the viewing, TG explained the story of Moses: He was born and shoved off in a basket. A woman like Angelina Jolie took him in a raised him. Many years later, Moses had a huge identity crisis and went to the mountain. He heard God, which was totally inspiring (like Tony Robbins), and went back to Pharaoh to tell him to heed God's Word. Pharaoh said, "Eff off!" All these plagues came and each time, Pharaoh told Moses to go eff himself. Somehow, Moses overcame and got a lifetime NRA membership. All Dish sees in this flick is bad acting, except for Yul Brynner, who is amazing. What a jewel. TG doesn't know this yet, but we're naming our first-born Yul Simon.

Dish Dishes Out Advice

Since I have five professions already, why not give advice? There are a lot of messed up people out there and I'd be happy to relate your problems to those of the stars. Feel free to send your quandaries to me through the comment section and I'll post them. I have a Ph.D in wisdom.

(Thanks for the idea, Anonymous!)

Friday, April 02, 2010

The Sixth Sign of the Apocalypse

A wave of despair hit me when I heard the news that John Forsythe died. Immediately, I reached for the table to hold myself up. Now that's a real star. No one can top the mundane but honey-voiced Blake Carrington, the original silver fox who banged Joan Collins and Linda Evans on Dynasty. He wore long cardigans like no one else. Before that, he was the voice on the intercom on Charlie's Angels. Blessings on his coming and going.

Dish finally invested in a new mattress. At 12, after reading Deenie by Judy Blume, I was delighted to learn I had scoliosis. I happily did exercises and told everyone about my ailment. Sadly, the problem went away, so I had no irregularity with which to garner sympathy (until my microscopic duodenal ulcer at age 19, which also went away). Now, decades later, I seem to have scoliosis again and a soft mattress doesn't help. I need to do yoga, like Madonna and Aniston. Pray for my curvy back!

Thursday, April 01, 2010

Going to Rehab

Because he parked his car in too many garages, Jesse James is in rehab, which shocks me. I suspect he won't do the reality show route afterwards, but what is the rehab for? Maybe a bigger dating pool. Just think, you're in the same house with like-minded pervs and junkies. Rehab is Candyland (though some people really do work the program--but Dish is suspicious of the stars!). Plus, you get to talk ENDLESSLY about yourself, which I imagine celebs love (I know I do, about myself naturally).

While we're on the subject of addicts, I might have successfully gotten TG addicted to Altoids and Charlie Sheen is supposedly leaving Two and 1/2 Men. The few times I watched the show, it seemed that Charlie WAS the show. He should continue with the coke and prostitues--it sells papers, which invigorates the economy.