Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Keanu's Korner: Haiku

The message is such
Puppies sing when birds fly low
Til, split ends aren't cool

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Britney and Paris: The Conversation

But, Brit, wouldn't you say Emile Zola was a hack? I mean, like, Naturalism is so, like, Nine Inch Nails but late 1800s.

True, Paree, but churning out twenty million tomes is totally awesome. And you could say that the body's decay--especially of the female body--is much like France post-monarchy.

Agree but isn't it quality and not quantity? Billy Ray Cyrus wrote one cool song, so isn't that enough?

Zola had time on his hands, girlfriend. He could sit and write all day--quality and quantity. No worries on where to get servicing or meals since he had a wife and mistress. No need for a real job so not too shab. Hmmm, been there, married that!

What are you talking about? [cackle, cackle] Okay, c'mon, let's go slug Lindsay Lohan!

Keanu's Korner--Haiku

Ageless and handsome
Yet chin fades to nothingness
Dig the Tao, not Duh

Pam-Rock Split Haiku

I had such high hopes
Fresh green grass and crystal dreams
Who gets the boobies?

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Today's Star Sighting

As Dish was exiting Camper on Prince Street, Catalina Sandino Moreno was entering with innocuous dude. She wore a hoodie and dark blue denim jeans. No eye contact and she should be thankful since we would have shown her the totally funkola boots we just got. And asked her if she really had to swallow and poop bags of heroin in Maria Full of Grace. Gross!

Good Morning, Star Shine

We started reading Shine, Star Jones Reynold’s self improvement testimony and her tips on how to be your best and shine. Mostly, we wanted to snicker, but then realized twenty pages in that this desire wasn’t exactly woman-empowering. She may have annoyed people, married a gay man, or whatever, but she has had quite a life. Why do we have to like or hate these people? Dish doesn’t think Star is harming the planet, so we wish her well on her personal journey.

Who knows what these celebs do? The fact could be that they aren’t as interesting as their PR machines would like us to think. Tons of people file for divorce, have babies or lavish weddings, deliver racial slurs, marry the obviously wrong mate, get fat, get skinny, cheat, follow crazy religions and exude nothingness. I’m sure if we were famous, our romantic woes, spirituality or eating habits would hold no end of fascination. But for now it makes our friends’ and family’s eyes glaze over, n'est-ce pas?

Friday, November 24, 2006

Whores Rule: Reason #1 why Queer As Folk, Sex and the City and The L Word are the same show

Dish's favorite characters on Queer As Folk, Sex and the City and The L Word are the whores of the show. They are outlandish, always speak the truth and don't care what others think. Eventually, they see the light of monogamy (well, except for Shane at the end of Season #3) but until then, they have the most fun.

On Sex and the City, Kim Catrall's Samantha dazzled us with the swing, "funky spunk", a brief affair with Sonia Braga, time with a modelizer and countless delivery men. She threw water on loud trannies, lied her way into an exclusive club and was the only character who really lived up to the show's title. Then they gave her breast cancer, but by then, she'd settled with the hot younger guy.

Gale Harold filled the role of Brian Kinney on Queer As Folk. He filled counless other roles, over and over again in his beautiful Pittsburg loft. With the ever-present condom in hand, he was the show's staunchest advocate for safe sex. And he wore the best clothes. They gave him testicular cancer, too, and then syphillis as extra punishment for his wicked ways. In the last season, he finally says, "I love you" to his much younger sort-of boyfriend, but only after a bomb went off that almost killed the little tyke. Still, it was intense.

Lastly and not leastly, is the butch Shane of The L Word played by Katherine Moennig. Any man or woman should find her sexy as she struts, wears interesting hairstyles and lures sweet naked young things into posh California pools. She wound up in a monogamous relationship with a feisty Mexican but left her at the altar because "that's just who she was." You can't tie a person like Shane down. Well, you can but eventually she'll leave you. Stay tuned for what happens in Season 4. I kinda hope she goes back to Roseanna Arquette. We like it when Roseanna gets work.

Next up is Reason #2 for why these three shows are the same: There's Always an Uptight One--Charlotte, Dana and Ted.

A Jolie Thanksgiving Haiku

Doo-goods on parade
Beauty charity for you
Not wearing panties

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Shocking Shoplifting

The following masked bandit made his way through Petco, shoveling large amounts of beef jerky into his Gucci bag. When led away in cuffs, the thief asked the press to keep his identity a secret as long as possible, at least until trial date. But we did get this photo.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Altman Adieu

Player in Nashville
Let's all talk at the same time
Robert, he Cut Shorts


Monday, November 20, 2006

Star Sighting

Yesterday, we were on our way to see Daniel Craig in Casino Royale--stepfather unwilling accomplice--and saw Sam Mendes on 8th Avenue, between 22nd and 23rd. We witnessed proof of his existence years ago post-American Beauty and pre-marriage to Kate Winslet and forgot to write down the details. Luckily, we didn't gawk this time. Besides, we're prettier.

Tomkat Haiku

Mirror, mirror, on
the wall, who's the boringest
of them all? (hee hee)

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Sexiest Man Alive?

George Clooney is again People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive (I keep typing Sexist Man Alive, though a total accident). He's handsome and wildly funny but can't they pick someone who hasn't won before? Brad's been having a good PR year, so he could go for a third term. Then Matthew again, then Harrison Ford. Jude Law could go for #2 after he's re-built up his street cred (rumor has it he's left Sienna "for good"). Maybe it's because he's so not controversial and does good deeds. Julia Roberts loves him, too.

Just wish People was more adventurous--like maybe they could choose a geezer, one who still gets all the chicks even though he's hideous. Or they could choose someone who's literally bursting at the seams to be the world's greatest Actor (who is also hot). Jake Gyllenhaal? Matt Damon (wink, wink The Daily Damon)? Heath Ledger?

No disrespect intended toward Clooney. Well, except for Solaris.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

And Then There Were Two

No sooner do we show Dakota Fanning in an earlier post than the preview for the next L&O: SVU appears. Which brings me to the crisis of the week: The world was frightening enough with one Fanning. But now there are two. Elle Fanning plays a demon child on next week's episode and we're already eyeing the muscle relaxants in our medicine cabinet.

What are the odds that these girls hate each other? Perhaps, ten years from now, we'll see a rivalry like the one between Joan Fontaine and Olivia de Havilland. Personally, I think Rebecca could beat the crap out of Melanie.

Dish Upon a Star University

Dish Upon a Star would like to announce its new school: Dish Upon a Star University. To become truly insane, immerse yourself in celebrity culture and get a degree in stargazing. It's sort of like a degree in French, which is not useful for anything except reading Baudelaire.

To receive a diploma, you need to acquire 100 credits.

Friendship with a celebrity (not just a passing hello) -- 5 credits
Eyelock with a celebrity -- 1 credit
Star Sightings - 1/2 credit
Conversation with a star (even just hello, as long as you respond) - 1 credit
Sleeping with a celebrity -- 50 credits
Keeping an ongoing blog about stars -- 10 credits
Longtime crush on celebrity lasting over 10 years -- 5 credits
High school term paper on celebrity -- 5 credits
Reporting spectacular celebrity news -- 2 credits

Courses you can take at DUAS U:

Creating lesson plans for Paris Hilton and child stars: 3 credits

A study of plastic surgery: Does it help a star's career or is it just something for us to make fun of?

How Sex and the City, Queer As Folk and The L Word are the same show: 3 credits

Analysis of accidental erotic dreams where celebrities are involved (like the one we had about Tom Cruise--yuck!): 3 credits

A strategic plan for meeting a celebrity without inconveniencing him/her or going to jail: 3 credits.

Divas' ex-husbands and why Mark Anthony and Cleopatra could have never worked out today: 3 credits

The road to Oscar--a study of cross-dressers, queens, murderers, old farts and mentally challenged characters in film.

Curriculum suggestions welcome.

Sign up today!

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Levert Lament

Gerald Levert Requiem Haiku

Not your Cas'nova
Me 'n Romeo never
Been friends. Can't you see

How much I really
love you, gonna sing it to
you time and time 'gain


Friday, November 10, 2006

Poem Palance

Smirky Adonis
Rugged match for the Bardot
Multi-lingual stud

One armed push-up, sniff
Salt of the earth, eats no dust
Ta, City Slicker


Thursday, November 09, 2006

Confection Haiku

Cake shoes wigs Champagne
Marie reads Rousseau aussi?
Le petit truth stretch

Sofia so brill
Merci, chou chou, je t'aime (oui)
Let them eat boogers!

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Britney Spears Dumps K-Fed!

Oops, she did it again, got rid of Husband #2 finally! Now, Federline can join the pool of back-up dancer ex-husbands and find a job to support his four children.

What will she do next?

Monday, November 06, 2006

Kiss of the Week

Finally, Sally Field gets some action. Last night on the family drama Brothers & Sisters (really Thirty-Something), we almost dropped a stitch when Treat Williams and Sally made out. What a happy accident that we even tuned in, as we'd done the past several weeks. Sally usually plays the role of Mother Who Really Cares, giving new meaning to the word schmacting and viewers overlook her attractiveness. On Brother & Sisters, she is again a mother--except now she gets to have sex. Judging from the previews, this happens next week. I'm already holding up my sign that says, "Union."

So, here's proof that there is life after forty...along with osteoporosis commercials.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Short Straw Haiku

I try so hard, sniff
More costumes, accents and fat
Oh my! Smell my chill

Must try my next face
The industry, all Britneys
Frantic ham sandwich

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Mama Mia

Sometimes, I likes me a good devil movie. But I'll talk about Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible: III later. Today's pick is the remake of The Omen, that terrible 1970s movie starring Gregory Peck and Lee Remick (a movie that still scared the piss out of my brother). Put a W in front of that and you get The Women. No coincidence since Mia Farrow plays a perfect devil's minion and Julia Stiles, who gets top billing, flashes her devil teeth. Both vixens bite it in the end. Mia kills Julia, then Liev Schreiber both kicks and runs over an ax-wielding Mia. Fun!

But this movie is about Damien, the devil child. The earlier Damien is freakier. This one could have easily been lifted from the Hollywood collection of Stepford child actors. He wins in the end, which is predictable. I mean, even devil children are our future. How else are we going to run the country further into the ground?

If you were bored by the first Omen, this one is only a little more entertaining. Some jazzier special effects--and a more disgusting decapitation of the photographer.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Vanished Update

It was more painful than I ever could have envisioned. Gale Harold, blue lipped, lying on a slab on the show Vanished. Dead. No more seeing him run after the bad guys, sporting metallic gray power-suits, investigating a possible bomb and wearing his ultra-phallic magic bomb-buster helmet. Even Mr. By-the-book Esai Morales cried over his death.

As she held his perfect hand, Gale’s poor ex-wife wept for their lost time. She’ll never get over losing Gale. Then his partner Ming Na entered and assured the wife that Gale missed her. I wondered—did the dead body smell as most decomposing bodies do? Or had they spritzed him with FDS for the visitors? Did Gale enjoy acting dead when he could have spent the last few episodes guest-starring on Law & Order or Deadwood instead? Oh, wait. He was on Deadwood and now he’s dead wood. Now that Gale’s gone, I really don’t care who else dies on the show.

But I hope Penelope Ann Miller gets everything since she's a sweet redhead--or so we think. It's hard to believe she's a huge bee-ach, which makes her all the more creepy. And yet, I think she'd be better served on Law & Order. Perhaps even Carlito's Way II?

Tom Haiku

Welcome, movie-philes
I'll be your actor today
Breathe my happy gas

United Artists
Cruise waits for no Heaven's Gate
Like some fries with that?

Thursday, November 02, 2006

I'll have the Keanu-Kabob with Some Ice-T

Star Sighting: Today, 3:30 EST, HT--friend of DUAS--saw Keanu Reeves walking on the north side of 14th street, midway between 5th and 6th Avenue. He was with a brunette-bobbed babe. Keanu wore a black turtleneck and a brown corduroy blazer with jeans (HT thinks they were jeans and doesn't want to be labeled a Star Whore for noticing). Furthermore, he thinks Keanu had his hands in his jeans pockets and was possibly breathing oxygen through his mouth and nose. Bottom line: Keanu was in Manhattan today.

In other news, while we were at the gym, we turned on the TV and saw long-time super-secret crush Ice-T teaching Wonder Bread middle schoolers how to rap on VH1's Ice-T's Rap School. How cute is that? We especially like the shy fat girl, who keeps getting fatter with each episode. The show features a cuddlier Ice-T, a long ways from his Copkiller days. In these dark times, we highly recommend watching these gawky children rap their hearts out--and fatherly Ice-T helping the little mo-fos through.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

A Ryan Rhyme (Haiku)

I shaved off the beard
Blond sugar and spice, so long!
Will hit Chelsea hard

Just Another Day in Divorce, Cancer and Adoption

Dish hasn't been taking her celebrity Metamucil, thus the irregularity. She apologizes for the hiatus to obsess about real people. The repeated discovery that real people are never so constant as the stars has returned her to life in the clouds. So here goes:

1. Poor Reese. Poor Ryan. But considering how pretentious his character was in Cruel Intentions, and how much he wanted to mount Joshua Jackson, are we surprised? The nail in the coffin is always the Oscar curse. What man can deal with his female partner getting an Oscar--Hello, Benjamin Bratt and Julia Roberts, Gwyneth Paltrow and Ben Affect, Halle Berry and Eric Benet. The sound of shrinking testicles can be heard across the land.

2. Kylie Minogue returns to tour after conquering breast cancer. Yes, please get back on tour, Kylie, before your copycat sister Dani takes over the music scene.

3. Where was Studio 60 on Sunset Strip on Monday? I was all ready to watch but it wasn't there. Need my fast-dialogue (and secretly, Matthew Perry) fix. Plus, I want to spend sixty minutes feeling sorry for the Harriet Hayes character. She's adorable, blonde, on television every week, told often how talented she is (when really she's kinda as good as I would be in sketch comedy), dates a hunky baseball player but is in love with the cute head writer on the show. Don't you feel bad for her?

4. So, Madonna adopted a baby and everyone condemns her. On October 26th, Andrea Peyser of The New York Post called Madonna, "the sluttish superstar." Isn't that nice? Especially to someone who's been married or in long-term relationships for the last twenty years--not that this means anything. Madonna just can't get away from that pointy breast bustier. Did Angelina get as much censure when she adopted Maddox while in a shaky marriage with Billy Bob and they carried around vials of blood around their necks? Then again, Angelina has those blazing eyes and pillowy lips. She's made out with her brother, gone public with her bisexuality and penchant for lovers rather than relationships, snatched Brad Pitt from the Aniston. She can expand her brood and we all stand back to watch with awe. Peyser also wrote--referring to Madonna and Oprah--"Don't trust these women with innocents."

Someone hasn't been taking her Metamucil.