Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Dish's First Hot Flash! (That's TMI, isn't it, Mom)

It happened while I was on the couch. All of a sudden, I felt overheated, sweating like a pig. Let's get this straight: Dish doesn't sweat! I asked TG if he was hot and he said yeah, but looked at me like I was crazy. So, figuring I also had food poisoning and violent lethargy in addition to menopause, I remained on the couch, playing Candy Crush until it passed. Now I am reading my Dr. Christiane Northrup and fanning myself even though I'm at room temperature. Can I just say this: $&%^^ , %&$*%& and $*$(#^ twice and die! I thought I'd stay young forever.

At least there is a ton of news to distract me. Just when I feel Tori and Dean are raw from crying on True Tori, the mighty Jezebel alleges that it's all fake. That makes the Tori-McDermotts more genius than I'd thought!!! And, then, if that wasn't good enough, Tori had to be hospitalized! This pulled at Dish's heartstrings. Truth be told, I'd be on ALL KINDS of medication if I were in Tori's situation (Picture it, Dish in a dark room, no sound, except for constant buying of extra Candy Crush games--with hot flashes to keep her toasty until the white light).

Celebrity Marriages:

I was so happy to read that Jodie Foster finally got married! But then I saw the pic of her bride and it's the schemy chick from The L Word--one of the best shows ever--who totally screwed over Tina. No seriously, big congratulations to the happy couple.

Paul Simon and Edie Brickell got arrested for a domestic disturbance. Allegedly, she hit him and he hit her back but it was all fine. Maybe she was having a hot flash!

Oh, and I almost forgot George Clooney is engaged. I think the future-Mrs.-Clooney is the new Lady Di, only with a huge job. I'm so conditioned to be bored by his personal life that I can't grasp this.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

True Tori, Peaches, Scandal, Sherlock & Colbert -- My New Law Firm

Thanks to a colleague, whose television taste runs seedier than mine, I remembered to watch True Tori, where Tori Spelling gets real about her marriage to Dean McDermott, what actually happened (he totally cheated), and how awesome their woes are for television. Seriously, they are geniuses for making a buck off their dirty laundry.

If TG suddenly decides he's meant to live life as werewolf, I will grab a camera and record the horror: the hair regrowing even after the laser removal, the howling at the moon, his vicious insults (he called me a pinhead last week) and how he keeps wanting to watch Bones, when Louie is my preference. I'll throw his ass in rehab because mama's gotta watch her stories. I always learn from Tori.

Yesterday's News:

Colbert taking over as Letterman. Nice guys really do finish first! I will watch this new fleet of late night shows. Except Craig. Don't hate me but as Karen says on Will & Grace, "he don't make me laugh."

The death of Peaches Geldof. I remember when she was born, for criminey's sakes. After comparing and contrasting pictures, I could make several conclusions. This would be unprofessional given my medical expertise. I'll wait for toxicology reports. The family's devastation must be unimaginable. As a star-aholic, I watch these people grow up and then disappear. It's sad for me. (Am I crazy?)

Scandal: I don't remember the finale. Someone died. This season, though, for me was all about how Tony Goldwyn looked really stoned. Or maybe this prez was a big stoner or Tones thought it looked more romantic to have his eyes half-mast all the time. What if it's a physical condition he can't help? I will pay for this.

Four years after its premiere, TG and I have begun to watch Sherlock, which is wildly fun. We are loving the super-smart sociopaths these days. BC reminds me of what Kenneth Branagh was 20 years ago--this enthusiastic, extra-terrestrial seeming yet intoxicating, theatrically trained Brit. This is probably why reincarnation exists.

As for me, personally, I'm pleased that I finally found a deep conditioner for my hair. For the first time in thirty years, it's silky soft.

Wednesday, April 02, 2014

Dish as Therapy

I've decided to return to my roots. The truth is, I've been depressed. The blues are normal--like the kind you get when your dream comes true and you're the focus of attention. Five minutes later, there's silence and life goes on. It's ego-bruising so I'm stumbling around, trying to remember who I am and what I like to do.  Since I'm no longer 19, I've decided against chain-smoking or drinking. Call me officially old, but my cure of choice is: Obsessing with the Stars.

First off: the GMA bloodbath. Dish is delirious not to have Josh Elliott's smug mug rain on her Robin Roberts love parade. Though according to not-so-valid sources, conflict will ensue as Amy Robach (my new personal hero--giving cancer the middle finger and marrying Melrose Place's Andrew Shue) and Lara Spencer aren't in love. Now, Michael Strahan has signed on as clean-up, so those cute dog rescue stories will be covered. Is Today laughing its ass off? I would if I thought this movement was disastrous. I see it as weed-wacking. Funny how the whole Ann Curry mess is so yesterday.

Second: We're offering to inherit Gloria Vanderbilt's 200M fortune since Anderson doesn't need it. We don't need it either, but we want it.

Third: Dish went to see Rocky on Broadway, starring the great Andy Karl, Margo Seibert, and Terrence Archie. The actors' stellar performances, the staging and the story are worth seeing over and over again (music/lyrics mostly terrible, but you don't wind up caring so much). Dish was misty-eyed throughout the show. After the fabulous training montages, I went straight to the gym, wearing a hoodie (and hurt my back). Rocky is my new Jersey Boys (Just kidding, TG. I'll only see Rocky one more time, maybe three). 

Fourth: I've been on Alec-Baldwin-watch and so far, he hasn't left New York. In fact, his wife is featured in today's Post, doing sexy yoga poses and insisting that she'll never leave the city.  I was so waiting for a week without a Baldwin. They are liars!